Original subtitles

Hello, children.

I'm Mother Goose.

Guess what?

I've dusted off the old storybook, and I'm about to bring you a wonderful tale,

sure to bring a smile to your face, a tear to your heart, and that tingly

feeling in your naughty parts.

You may want to share your fun with Mommy and Daddy, but...

Mommy and Daddy start to get naked and do some funny wrestling.

And Mommy starts to scream, Jesus Christ, fill me,

fill me.

You must promise to run straight to your room, quick as a bunny.

Now, let's snuggle back and enjoy the wonderful...

Adventures of Little Red Riding Hood.

Once upon a time, when fairy tales were really hot stuff, in a small village of

gobbledygook, near a big forest, there lived a kindly

lady named Mrs. Hood, who owned a quaint little store featuring bread, homemade

candies, and lotto tickets.

But we don't give a shit about her.

It's her stepdaughter we want to focus on.

Now, there were a lot of pretty women in that village, but the finest of them

all was Mrs. Hood's stepdaughter, Bernice, better known as Little Red

Hood.

She was called that because she always wore the... Little Red Riding Hood, a

gift from her beloved grandma.

Yes, Little Red was mighty fine.

She had an ass this motherfucking wide.

Oh, and her titties.

Yeah.

Oh, am I still on the air?

Oh, excuse me.

Anyway, lots of handsome single men were always trying to get next to Little

Red. She wouldn't let them. And her stepmama was very protective.

You need two black folks to get here.

And here is your beautiful daughter, Red.

No, Red, for you.

Get out of here.

My beautiful daughter, Red.

Now for everything.

for your daughter's head, Barry, huh?

He shouldn't die, King.

The little rat and his stepmama lived quietly in the village of Gobbledy Goat.

They rarely went out except to pick wildflowers to bring to their friends.

Red was very devoted to her dear granny.

Oh, Red, do come and see her, dear.

Oh, sweet child.

You must be thirsty from your long walk in the woods. Come, let me get you some

lemonade. Look what I brought you. Some sweet cake, some hot butter, baby's lamb

nipples, and a bouquet of flowers.

Oh, dear, that was just lovely of you.

Oh,

let me go get you a vase for these.

Everything seems nice and serene in the village of Gobbledygook.

Isn't it, boys and girls?

Well, believe me, evil lurks in the

person of... Come on, it's useless to run.

A wolf.

You're such a bold and manly wolf. How do you know I don't have a husband?

Husband? Where?

Oh, don't ever use that word.

Please, it has a horrible effect on me. That and the word castration.

Oh, Mr.

Wolf, do we have to make love here in a bed of pine needles and chipmunk shit?

Can't we just run off to some distant kingdom and live happily ever after?

That is my sentiments exactly, my fair maiden.

It is?

It is true.

Nah, not really. I'll just tell you what you want to hear until I have an

orgasm. Then I'll tell you to get lost.

Such a schmuck you are, Wolfie.

They just have to have that. They're a cock.

It's Wolf O'Dell, cat of our town.

You say that to all the wolves, don't you?

Rude, hard drinker.

Lover of poontime.

The beer will not come up on you, don't worry.

What's this?

Yeah. Oh, what a beautiful pussy.

Would you mind if I ate that?

Not at all.

Lovely tasting swag.

Mm.

Mm.

That's a wolfie dick.

I call him my wolfie brother.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

wolfie, promise me you'll stop fucking all the fair maidens in the village.

Okay, I promise.

It's easy, because I already have.

Except her.

Hide.

Forget about it. Legend has it that lady was cursed by a witch.

Yeah? We'll see about that.

I'd like to glaze her donut.

Now, come over here.

You're right in the middle of sucking on my dick.

So here.

Come on.

Give it some feeling. Come on. Gretel!

I thought you didn't have a husband.

I don't have a husband. This is my stupid brother.

Stupid, am I?

Wasn't it me who thought of leaving breadcrumbs so we could find our way out

the forest?

Oh, a girl gets lonely sometimes.

Why don't you pick on a wolf your own size, you dickhead?

Here I am again.

This is not working out.

about how to lay weenie tracks in Red's Pink Pathway.

Whoa.

Forget about it.

I'm telling you, I tried to get a date with a woman myself.

Forget it.

Oh, yeah?

Are you forgetting that I have fucked your wife more often than you have?

Good point.

Well, then.

I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you half the thruff and shill and tuppence you don't even get to first

base with her, huh?

You're on.

I'll take some of that.

You're both on.

Poor blind wolf.

There's that woodsman.

The one who's new to town. Going into the sweet shop.

What woodsman?

Ah, a mighty woodman who's only recently moved to town. Hello?

Is an immediate threat to the wolf.

Hello, I'd like to buy some candy elf nostrils. Anyone here?

Hello?

Well?

Aren't you going to help me? Oh, of course.

I'm sorry.

I'm a clumsy book.

That's okay. You're very sweet for helping me. Thank you. Hi,

I'm Hal, the mighty woodsman. I want to chop down all the trees.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I have to go.

It's nice meeting you. Don't you want some milk?

Oh, no, that's okay because they're fattening.

ever see you again?

I

couldn't

help but to witness that that fellow was so very shy.

Uh, yes, so how can I help you?

Well, I'm new to this village, and I need someone to explain to me the lay of

the land.

So perhaps you'd like to join me for a leg of mutton tonight around, uh, eight

of the clock?

Do you have a paper bag for your face?

Thanks a lot.

That'll be eight o 'clock, right?

See you, guys.

I'm convinced Red is in love with the woodsman.

God damn it. I take one little trip to get some pig lips and look what happens.

Well.

Not to worry. No problem.

He's a stupid and shy oaf anyway.

Well, then again, Red is no rocket scientist herself.

Although, she could decide to pursue this woodchopper.

Perhaps we could devise a plan to show he is not worthy of her considerable

charms. And why, may I ask, are you so interested? I mean, you didn't ply me

with that wine and plow my salmon cornfield just to get a shot at popping

daughter, did you?

Ow, you hurt me.

You obviously don't know me very well.

Don't know you very well? I don't know you at all.

Madam, you'll eventually be thanking me in due course.

I'd better be, or I'll have you castrated by my ex -husband.

Husband? Where, husband?

Oh, oh, oh. Madam, please do not use that word. Please.

Which one?

Castrated or husband?

Ready to fuck?

Oh, gosh.

Anybody home?

Come on, Dickie.

Hang on.

you can get this thing inflated.

Mother Goose! I don't believe this.

I read all your stories when I was a little kid, and now here you are on my

getting ready to suck on my dick.

And if you don't shut up, you're not going to live happily ever after.

Mother Goose?

Look, Mr. Zod, it's better good.

is taken.

Who told you that?

I didn't.

Heard it. I have my sources, you know.

Who is it?

Nobody. Some big lumberjack.

He was carrying an axe.

What a great looking tool.

Axe. Now you hurt my feelings.

Oh, come on.

So there was this guy.

So I was attracted to him.

So I felt feelings I've never felt before.

So I wanted to lick his biceps, and his chest, and his thighs, and his cuffs.

Snap out of it.

Come on, Elizabeth.

Don't be that way.

You know, we said no men, and I thought we meant it.

You know you're the only one for me.

stepmother and stepdaughter.

We don't do no kinky shit like that in our fairy tales.

They're really lesbo -lovers of the 47th degree.

No!

Hello. Hello. Hi, Elizabeth.

Well, yes, it is. And your name?

Well, I'll give you a hint. What is this?

Well, it's a red riding hood.

Well, that's it.

I'm sorry I didn't get your name still.

A little red riding hood.

But you can call me Denise.

Oh, surely. Hi, Denise.

I'm picking some flowers to go to my grandmother's house. Would you like to

me? Yes, I surely would. That'd be a lot of fun.

Um, perhaps you could... Perhaps you and I could... Oh, you're so gentle and

kind and sweet.

Oh, well, I'm really not. Well, I mean that I work hard around here. I chop the

trees and I burp a lot.

Oh, you're so funny.

Sorry.

Well, I must be on my way. I've got to go to my granny's house.

Well, let me walk with you.

No. On second thought, I know something. There's an emergency tree falling. I've

got to get back.

You know, I can't really stay here.

Fare thee well.

Fare thee well.

Hi.

Mind if I pick some flowers with you?

No, I don't mind.

I'm Wolfie. Remember me?

Well, I'm just on my way to my grandmother's house.

Oh, I love grannies, and they like me because I'm a soft and gentle kind of

Can I journey with you?

Well, which way are you going?

This way. Well, I was going that way. Bye.

Oh, I can switch.

Okay, bye -bye.

Honey, I really can go that way.

Oh, fuck.

I see a guy in the woods, you know.

Oh, and they're hugging and kissing and smiling and holding hands.

Could have made a girl's world huge.

Ah,

there you are, Mrs. Hood.

They're telling the fella here about Red and the Lumberjack.

What do you mean?

As we speak, Red is on her way to her grave.

As a matter of fact, she won't be back till next week.

Oh, really?

Look, why don't you wake up and smell the cockle shells, lady?

I just came from the forest road.

And I thought of two of them just as sweet as can be, picking wildflowers

together.

Oh, for Christ's sake. I don't even know what I'm worried about. I mean, you'd

think she'd have the common sense not to fall for a wood -chopping clod.

Oh, my God.

I think I have a boner and I don't even have a cock.

Oh, I'm willing to bet that this guy is a maid with a capital silent A.

Besides, I'm certain that he is up to no good.

Well, I think it would get red to not fall for these considerable

charms.

Considerable, considerable, irresistible charms.

Lip -smacking, considerable, irresistible charms. That's why I say...

Will you pull yourself together?

Come on, Gretel.

What are you doing?

I'm dropping peanuts so we can find our way out of the forest.

I'm supposed to drop peanuts, you idiot? You're supposed to drop breadcrumbs.

I'm out of breadcrumbs, so I'm using peanuts, okay?

Wake up and smell the curds and whey, Gretel. That old bitch is just trying to

get us lost in the forest where we can get eaten by wolves and shit.

Don't say that. You know I'm scared to death of wolves.

Gretel, I'll protect you.

Come on, let's go down here in the gully where it's warm.

Goddamn pages we've stuck together.

Would you guys like some company?

God damn book!

Fred, we're not supposed to be in our fairy tale.

Well, when Mother Goose doesn't know, I'll hurt her.

um

um um

Oh.

Thank you.

No, I can't.

Yeah. Oh, here it comes.

Now, Red is due back later this evening.

I went and left a note on Hal's ex, telling him that Red wants to meet him

later tonight.

How's your party?

It seems taken care of, my fair lady.

Good.

Maybe now she'll get rid of this silly infatuation once and for all.

Yeah, I pray that you are correct.

Adam, for the sake of your daughter and you.

Here comes the woodsman.

Everybody act natural.

Be ye the woodsman here to see fair Red Riding Hood.

Hi, B .D.

Then, here ye be.

From Sheen.

Believe me, the powder will take hold. It is merely a matter

of... Time.

What?

Trouble, my good man?

Uh, God, gee, uh, something's, something's happening.

Uh,

my manhood, uh, found fire.

Yeah, I feel like you could wrap that up. Yeah, immediately, but...

Yeah, I know the feeling. It just kind of takes over a man, and only a good,

tight cunt will relieve the sensation.

Oh, God, please don't say that. Last night, no man. Yeah, you're right.

Last thing you want to hear me talk about is a hot, wet, ugly, dripping,

delicious pussy and a hot dread about a heaving, buxom wench connected to it.

Oh, God, please do not help him get off.

I'm not?

Uh, heaving, buxom wench. Oh!

Heaving, buxom wench. Oh!

I'll be over there.

My manhood is on fire.

Please put it out.

Oh, I don't mean...

Well,

it's a plague and all. You can't be too safe.

What's that?

Oh, you old scumbag. You have used these many times before.

Let me put it on. Oh, no, no.

I'd rather put it on.

No, I really know how to do it. Well, that's okay because I've done it many

times myself.

Oh, I have an idea.

How about we do it together?

I was holding his butt.

Oh fuck!

No. No.

turns, doesn't it, children?

I wish old Mama Goose had some of that sex powder for some of those limp -ass

knaves and princes that come visiting around here with their limp -ass dicks.

Anyway, that's not in the story.

So you can guess what happens next.

In the middle of house crazy sex with these two bar wenches, Little Red comes

along.

I'm beating him out of the bar.

Bernice!

You horrible scoundrel!

Bernice! Bernice!

Oh my God, what have I done?

You should remember I shall actually make it home.

Me? Oh,

I doubt it.

Oh, not the groin. Oh, god damn it.

You okay?

Well, let me put it to you this way.

Would you be okay if someone did this to you?

I don't know why you want to go with that broad anyway, but all she wants to

is pick wildflowers and make pies with her granny and play in the forest, baby.

Her granny?

Yeah, her granny. I mean, you're sure to lose the bet. She refused to date with

me. She's not going to go out with you. This is ridiculous.

Her granny.

I know. You're not going to get to clear space with the broad. I don't even

wonder why you're wasting your time. If she wouldn't go out with me, she's not

going to go out with you. Hey, still a minute. Still a minute. I keep saying

granny. Her granny. Now, you're not supposed to say, what about her granny?

I say...

See if she will help me.

Oh.

What about her Grammy?

Well, maybe I can pay a little visit. Oh, shut up, you idiot. Come here.

I got a little secret. I got a plan.

I'm hanging out. Come here. Here he is now.

One more thing. I'm going to do a zing and a ding and it's going to be a little

bit of a battle. Do you mind? We're trying to have a private meeting.

You know, sometimes we have to learn things on our own, painful as that may

You know, Red, I just hate to see you in this state.

She's always bringing me wildflowers and cakes and candies and pies and things.

But between you and me, I was hoping that she'd spend a little bit more time

finding herself a nice, handsome, strong husband. Someone not unlike yourself.

A brawny guy.

Well, perhaps you could put in a good word for me. Perhaps I could.

By the way, what was your name?

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Oh, you don't have to shout Mr. Fucking Christ. There's nothing wrong with my

hearing. It's my eyesight that's off just a little.

It seems that you've soiled your panties.

Time to take a little nap, Granny.

Oh, well, thank you. I'm not very much into naps. Just a guy.

Shut up.

Help.

Well, it's about time.

Oh, Grandma weighs a fucking ton.

Wait, you want some of those pies, Grandma?

Boy, thank you.

Well, I think these candied reindeer earlobes are really going to go.

I hope they do better than these deep -fried penguin gallbladders.

Me too.

Excuse me. Red, I bear ill -tidings.

Your granny just took another cottage.

Oh, what a pisser.

I think I have to slip all the way to the cottage again.

I brought you a basket of goodies.

Why, thank you, my sweet.

Boy, what a gruff voice you have, Granny.

It's a lot hotter than it was when I started my journey. I think I'll put on

lighter blouse.

My, what big eyes you have, Granny.

Well, it's the better to see you with, my dear.

And what a big nose you have.

the better to, uh, smell you with, my dear.

And what big teeth you have.

The better to eat you with, my dear.

Eat, eat, eat.

Oh, nobody wants to fuck anymore.

I love you too.

Father, you should be ashamed of yourself with them dirty pictures.

Leave the premises, please.

Now!

No way, Father Craig.

What did I put in that tea?

Oh, Red.

You know, I was just talking to this young man about you finding some nice

husband type.

But I was hoping that you'd at least date a few times before you got to this

heavy catch.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

What did you say you were doing?

Woo! Woo!

Fuck.

Oh.

And that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood.

Wasn't the woodsman how big and strong and handsome?

But that's what fairy tales are all about. So you can dream.

And you know what they say?

Fairy tales can come true. It can happen to you.

Love.

Brought to you by Wolfman.