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# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
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00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,999
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,799
# Horrors that defy description,
Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,199
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,039
# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,039
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and Measly Middle Ages
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# Gory stories, we do that
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# And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,239
# The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:27,519
# Welcome to...
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00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,360
# Horrible Histories. #
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Have you ever dreamt of being
a prince or princess,
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00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,279
living in a fancy castle, wearing
cool crowns,
14
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,559
and drinking only the finest bin
juices?
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00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,839
SLURPING
Hmm, nice!
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00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,599
Of course, that only happens by
magic in fairy stories.
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00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,479
Normally, a lot of work goes into
being a royal.
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00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,479
Guys, what an incredible show we've
got for you today!
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I'm famous French hairdresser Sieur
Larsenneur.
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And I'm portrait artist, Joseph
Ducreux,
21
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,879
and we are here to collect an
Austrian princess.
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00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,919
Say hi to the viewers. H-Hello.
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00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,079
This princess knows she's heading to
France to marry Prince Louis,
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who is going to be king one day.
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What she DOESN'T know is how much
the French public
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00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,359
will hate her if she looks Austrian.
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What?!
28
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,359
They literally won't let her into the
country looking like this.
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They'll rip her to shreds!
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Which, quite frankly, would be
an improvement.
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00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,360
So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.
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00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,119
Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
"Marie Antoinette."
33
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,639
But that is not my name.
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My name is Maria Antonia.
35
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Not any more! We're changing it to
Marie Antoinette.
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00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,079
It sounds more French.
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00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,680
Future Queen of France, let's
dance!
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00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,719
What is going on with this hair?
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00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,279
You've got it scraped back so far,
it's pulling out the roots in clumps.
40
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,759
But it's very fashionable in
Austria.
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00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,199
Huh! That explains everything...
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00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,199
At the moment, honey, this forehead
gives me a sore head.
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00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,999
Oh, MG, you are SO right!
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That's why, when I was sent to
Austria to paint you,
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I painted what I WANTED to see,
not what I DID see.
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She is so fresh, so fly, so French.
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It doesn't look anything like me.
48
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BOTH: Exactly!
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So good. Thank you.
50
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,079
Wow. It's magnificent. I know.
51
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Now, sweetie, we want this makeover
to get you smiling again,
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00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,079
but only after we've fixed your
disgusting Austrian fangs.
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00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,119
Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place.
54
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It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"
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So we're going to give you a very
beautiful and very straight smile
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00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,239
and all it will take is some
light dentistry
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00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,839
using these state of the art metal
tools.
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00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,239
Ah! Won't that hurt? You won't feel
a thing...
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00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,439
Oh.
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00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,959
..because you'll feel everything!
We don't have pain relief.
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Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.
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SHE WHIMPERS
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00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,520
MIMICKING
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00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:30,719
When we met Maria Antonia she was a
real "No, no, no-nia."
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00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,239
But Marie Antoinette is tres chic.
She's glamorous.
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00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,479
She can barely move her mouth
after agonising dental surgery,
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but she is fit for France.
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00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,039
Ah oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!
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00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,199
CHEERING
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00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,559
So, what do you think of your
transformation? Are you happy?
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00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,760
MUFFLED WHIMPERING
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Oh, she's speechless.
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And now, you're finally ready to
enter France and marry a prince.
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00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,319
Yas, queen!
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This is the happi... Argh! Happiest
day of my life. Oh!
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00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,959
Let's dance!
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,280
Woo!
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00:04:04,151 --> 00:04:09,559
Yeah, we probably should have
worked on her dancing, too.
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00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,479
Definitely.
80
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,080
Please, just stop. You're
embarrassing everyone.
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00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,199
Some can spend their whole lives
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00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,519
searching for true love and never
find it.
83
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,599
But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to
the throne of England,
84
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,839
his true love was arranged by his
father's lawyers
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00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,519
as part of a peace treaty when he was
two years old.
86
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:31,999
And they say romance is dead!
87
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,919
But while Arthur has known the
name of his true love
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since he was a toddler,
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this will be their VERY first
date.
90
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:40,850
Enjoy.
91
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,399
I really hope we get on.
92
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,519
We're getting married at the end of
next week.
93
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,919
Prince Arthur's first date
and soon to be wife
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00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,439
is Spanish Princess Catherine of
Aragon.
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00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,399
So great to finally meet you.
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00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,079
I'm Prince Arthur. My father is
King Henry VII...
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00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,719
..er, which means I will be
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00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,040
the first official King Arthur of
Britain, eventually.
99
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,840
Hi.
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00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,799
So it turns out she can't speak any
English at all,
101
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,439
which is, you know, a shame, cos
English is my best language.
102
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,719
Gracias, chorizo, Barcelona.
103
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,360
Nachos. Si?
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00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,439
You like food? "Food"?
105
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,999
"Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!"
Chicken?
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MAKES CHICKEN NOISES
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00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,719
Creo que es un idiota.
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00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,120
Si, el es un idiota.
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00:05:43,121 --> 00:05:47,319
I think idiot means something
completely different in Spanish!
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Actually, it's the same thing.
Right.
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00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,559
This is an absolute disaster.
112
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,879
I mean, I probably should have seen
this coming, right?
113
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,559
Cos we just used to write to each
other in Latin, so...
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..wait.
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00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,359
Game on!
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00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,279
Te amo. Te amo.
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00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,799
The international language of
love, Latin.
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00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,599
What can I get you?
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00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,959
SPEAKS LATIN
120
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,279
I... I'm so sorry, I do not speak
Latin.
121
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,880
Idiota!
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00:06:12,881 --> 00:06:16,319
Do you think you'll see each other
again?
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00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,919
Er, yeah. I mean, we're getting
married in ten days,
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00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,799
Heads! Sorry, bro. Great touch,
though
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00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,519
That's just my little brother,
Prince Henry.
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00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,399
Ah. Henry, er... Ocho.
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00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,559
Henry VIII?!
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00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,799
HE CACKLES
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00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,839
No! Fat chance of that.
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00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,879
He can only be called that if
he became king,
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00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,479
and that's not going to happen
unless I die, so... No.
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00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,999
Once we get married, you'll never
have to worry about him ever again.
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00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,920
Bull's-eye! Right, come here!
134
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,440
Gives me all the feels, actually.
135
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,439
Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots
and, as you can imagine,
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00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,279
being Queen of Scotland made me
quite a catch
137
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,679
in the 16th-century dating world.
138
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,639
SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm also well fit!
139
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,519
Ssss... Ouch. Ha-ha!
140
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,479
My hand in marriage was so sought
after
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00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,839
that I was engaged to be married
when I was just six months old.
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00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,119
Henry VIII wanted me to marry his
son, Prince Edward.
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00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,919
But, tell me, what did he send to
help seal the marriage?
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00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,639
SCOTTISH ACCENT: I like presents. Who
doesn't?
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00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,840
Did he send...
146
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,400
BACKGROUND: Aw!
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00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,920
BACKGROUND: Ooh!
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00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,359
BACKGROUND: Oh.
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00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,719
The answer is...
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00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,679
..C! He sent an army.
151
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,679
SCOTTISH ACCENT: He started a war to
make sure I married his son.
152
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,719
It's called the Rough Wooing, and it
lasted for eight years,
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00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,359
so I married the King of France
instead.
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00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,479
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Do one, Edward!
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00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,799
You see?
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00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,079
You probably think that princes and
princesses have an easy life,
157
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,639
but that's not always been the case,
158
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,999
Mm, mm, mm.
159
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,319
Back in history, they were often
married off to other royals
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00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,479
just to make their own family
more powerful.
161
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,959
And if THAT sounds bad,
162
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,999
wait until you see what giving birth
could be like!
163
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,560
It's poor old Marie Antoinette
again. Hmm...
164
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,959
Oh, where is my husband?
165
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,039
Er, I cannot see the King, Your
Majesty,
166
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,359
unless he is at the back?
167
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,639
SHE GROANS
168
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,959
Why are they watching? I'm
trying to give birth here.
169
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,759
Right this way. Room at the front,
Your Majesty.
170
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,119
I love a royal birth!
171
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,079
Don't get me wrong, an execution is
fun but it is over so quickly.
172
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,039
Darling, do we really have to have
all of these people here watching?
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00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,519
My love, we are here to celebrate
the birth of a prince...
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00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,639
..or princess.
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00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,839
WHIMPERING
We need an audience!
176
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,239
We need witnesses to prove the Queen
ACTUALLY gave birth
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00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,479
and they didn't use somebody
else's baby.
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00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,599
Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them
swapping it out for a boy,
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00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,639
so the King then has an heir.
180
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,519
Bonjour!
DOOR KNOCKS
181
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,759
Oh, the doctor has arrived! It is a
bit quiet in here.
182
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,360
I thought you were having a royal
birth. More people! What?!
183
00:09:04,361 --> 00:09:07,559
I was only here to sweep the
chimney.
184
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,119
Urgh! Get your grubby stick away from
me!
185
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,159
Ignore them, my darling. Just
imagine they are not there.
186
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,679
What if I didn't have to imagine
and they actually weren't there?
187
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,919
THEY GASP
She doesn't mean it.
188
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,479
I do. It is coming.
189
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,279
THEY CHEER
190
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,599
How do you feel? A little bit woozy,
actually.
191
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:26,999
He was talking to... Ah!
192
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,159
Can somebody open the window,
please?
193
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,799
The Princess de Lamballe
194
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,399
clearly needs some air!
195
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,799
OK. Everyone ready?
196
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,119
TOGETHER: Oui.
197
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,519
Where are the...
THEY EXCLAIM
198
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,559
Don't panic. I will stick a spike
into her foot
199
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,399
to release the blood pressure in her
body.
200
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,519
Will that work? It will certainly
wake her up.
201
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,679
SHE CRIES
202
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,759
She's back!
THEY CHEER
203
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,479
Come on, Your Majesty, push!
204
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,719
SHE GROANS
Push!
205
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,840
GROANING CONTINUES
CHANTING: Push! Push! Push...
206
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,119
BABY CRIES
Push.
207
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,679
It's a girl.
208
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,199
FAINTLY: Yay...
DISAPPOINTED GROANING
209
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,239
Er, that's OK. It's good,
that's good!
210
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,279
Er... OK, so, er... I need some time
to meet my daughter, so...
211
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,679
Everyone, out!
212
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,559
The King needs some private time
with his new daughter.
213
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,679
This is a very, very personal
moment.
214
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,599
That is a "personal moment?!"
215
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,519
I've just had a baby in public!
216
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,120
Unbelievable.
217
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,479
My first wife, Catherine of Aragon,
gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,
218
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,119
which was great and everything,
219
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,279
but I wanted a son and heir to my
throne - a prince!
220
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,839
Erm, I did actually then have a son
but, erm...
221
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,799
..not with the Queen, so he couldn't
be an official prince.
222
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,079
Awkward! Er... But now my second
wife Anne is pregnant
223
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,359
and I'm certain it's going to be
prince time, baby!
224
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,439
Although I wouldn't lose my head if
it's a girl.
225
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,000
Someone might, though...
226
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,159
Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant
and everybody's thrilled!
227
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,199
You lie about my mum to get
a divorce,
228
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,039
you ban me from visiting her,
229
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,239
and you say I'm not a princess any
more,
230
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,879
and you expect me to be happy about
your wife being pregnant?
231
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,679
Too right, Mary! Can I get a
"whoop-whoop"?
232
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,599
Yeah, she's pretty upset.
233
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,359
I should probably go see if she's
OK...
234
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,119
..or, I can organise a special
joust for the birth of my son.
235
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240
It's bound to be a boy this time.
236
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,599
Right? Wrong!
237
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,359
King Henry is delighted to announce
the birth of the Prince...ess.
238
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,599
The whole point of divorcing
the last one
239
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,999
was so that I could get a son,
240
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,479
and now look what's happened!
241
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,119
A beautiful, healthy baby girl.
242
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,440
Oh, not now! Guys, read the room.
243
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,119
Can I just double check that...
244
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,200
She's definitely a girl! ..OK, fine.
245
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,040
BABY SHRIEKING
246
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,559
Urgh!
247
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,480
Father. Hello.
Father's fake wife...
248
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,719
Queen Anne, actually.
249
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,439
For now. Let's see what happens next
time you don't have a son.
250
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,280
Speaking of the King's sons. Henry
Fitzroy in the house!
251
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,559
You don't count.
252
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,839
Ugh! JUST cos the King wasn't
married to my mum. Typical.
253
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:12,999
Sorry, guys.
254
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,599
I can't believe you gave him better
rooms than me at Christmas.
255
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,000
It's going to be one of those days.
Right. Can we try and smile, yeah?
256
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:25,799
Wonderful news, Mary. We want you
to live with Princess Elizabeth.
257
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,279
ELIZABETH CRIES
It will be convenient
258
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,399
because you will be working for
her... As a servant.
259
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,119
That's no position for a princess.
260
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,239
But you're not a princess
any more, are you?
261
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,999
Your daddy took your title away,
didn't you, darling?
262
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,239
Hmm? I certainly feel a bit
peckish, actually.
263
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,679
No. Stay where you are.
264
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,319
Dad! You can't let that woman
talk... Er, the QUEEN!
265
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,879
..my mother, Catherine of Aragon, is
the Queen.
266
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,479
Not any more, she isn't.
267
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,719
SHE GRUNTS
268
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,119
I'm just going to go grab a couple of
pork chops...
269
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,519
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh.
270
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,279
I eat when I'm nervous.
271
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,239
And when I'm not nervous.
272
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640
I'm a hungry boy!
273
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,039
They've taken away my household.
274
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,999
Anne Boleyn has destroyed my
life.
275
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,079
I'm not calling her "Queen"
276
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,679
and I'm not calling her daughter
"Princess"
277
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,639
and I'm not agreeing with her about
anything, ever!
278
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,759
Hey, guys. Just came to say
hello to the baby.
279
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,279
BOTH: What's HE doing here?
280
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,159
Weird. Suddenly all I can think
about is pork chops.
281
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,399
A chop off the old block.
282
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,079
BOTH: Oh, I hate him.
283
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,600
Oh, jinx! Ha-ha!
284
00:13:28,601 --> 00:13:32,759
No, you can't keep calling yourself
"princess."
285
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,239
This is my final word.
286
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,559
Please, Daddy!
287
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,279
Oh, go on, then. You can carry on.
288
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,599
What?! What can I say. I'm a big
softie.
289
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,959
I'm a princess.
290
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,399
Have we had lunch already?
291
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,439
Better have another one, just to be
on the safe side. Yeah?
292
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,720
Lunch. Let's wrap it up.
293
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,719
Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales,
294
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,359
and when my old man,
King George III, dies,
295
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,559
I'm going to be made King George IV.
296
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,479
Let's hope that's not too far away.
297
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,839
I'm King George III, his father,
298
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,479
and I'm still alive.
299
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,559
What's the best
thing about being a prince?
300
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,519
Well, all that pampering. Spoilt
rotten. I blame your mother.
301
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,119
She thought he was so perfect that
she put him on display to the public
302
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,559
when he was just a week old.
303
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,559
And people came from all over
just to see His Royal Cuteness.
304
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,359
I mean, you just looked like
any other baby.
305
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,919
Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so.
306
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,559
She had a life-size
waxwork model made of me,
307
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,119
kept it in this little
glass display jar.
308
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,119
Actually kind of creepy now
that I think about it but, er...
309
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,520
Dad?
310
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,679
Am I going to be King George IV?
311
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,719
HE SNORES
No!
312
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600
Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you?
313
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,199
Many princes and princesses
lived a life of luxury.
314
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,679
But others had much more
difficult lives.
315
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,879
Some suffered like you
wouldn't believe.
316
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,999
One 18th-century African prince
was taken from his home,
317
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,839
sold into slavery
and forced to travel to America,
318
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,399
where he did back-breaking work on a
cotton plantation in Mississippi.
319
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,519
His life did eventually
improve a little,
320
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,799
but it took time - a long time.
321
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,279
A long, long, long time.
322
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,359
Ladies and gentlemen,
323
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,679
I am Prince Abdul Rahman
Ibrahima Sori.
324
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,119
Thank you all for coming tonight
325
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,359
to hear the tale
of my escape from captivity.
326
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,759
Oh, forget it!
327
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,559
I can't believe me eye.
328
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,359
Could it really be?
329
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,919
Prince Abdul!
330
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,999
Oh, he tell you
he was a prince, too?
331
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,119
Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave.
332
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,999
Prince Abdul, it's me -
Dr John Coates Cox.
333
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,319
Oh! Your father, King Ibrahima,
saved me life
334
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,919
when I was in West Africa.
335
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,359
Dr Cox! Ha-ha!
336
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,039
Oh, I was taken
from my family's kingdom,
337
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,839
and I have been enslaved
here for 19 years.
338
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,039
I'm so sorry, Abdul.
339
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,199
Hey! In your face,
grumpy villager lady!
340
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,159
I'm a prince!
It's true, he is a prince.
341
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,159
Well, that's nice.
342
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,879
The authorities here won't care.
343
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,439
He's still enslaved.
344
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,759
Over my dead body.
Your Royal Highness,
345
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,039
you will be free within a year.
346
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,919
21 years later,
347
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,799
I was still a slave,
348
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,839
and my potential rescuer,
Dr Cox, was dead.
349
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,319
AUDIENCE GASPS
But, while my hopes were fading,
350
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,679
others were still fighting my cause.
351
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,599
Thank you for continuing
Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall,
352
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,959
but I'm still here.
353
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,119
So, I wrote to your father,
the Sultan of Morocco,
354
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,319
and now he's written to
the President of America.
355
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,319
The Sultan of Morocco
is not my father.
356
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,999
Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.
357
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,759
Anyway, the Sultan was so moved
that he wrote directly
358
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,479
to President Adams, who has now
approved your journey home.
359
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,799
To Morocco?
360
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,399
Uh-huh.
Which is not my home.
361
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,479
I'll admit, there's some details
that need ironing out
362
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,319
but, Prince Abdul, don't you see?
363
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,679
You can leave this place.
You're free.
364
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,239
STRING MUSIC PLAYS
365
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,239
This is really happening.
366
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,439
Where's my wife?
367
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,639
Darling, get the children.
We are all free!
368
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,519
Ooh...
MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT
369
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,759
You did get the freedom for my wife
and children, right?
370
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,639
Er, this is awkward.
371
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,599
My eight children.
372
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,639
Hmm.
I'm a free man now.
373
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,519
I will do it myself.
374
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,399
And that is why I am here today,
telling my story
375
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,159
and raising money to buy freedom
for the rest of my family.
376
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,919
And I will not rest
until I am done.
377
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,239
Can't your dad,
the Sultan of Morocco, help?
378
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,159
Not my dad!
379
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,159
Please, pay attention.
380
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,479
Huh! This tour is very long.
381
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,479
VOICEOVER: Prince Abdul did
eventually make it back to Africa,
382
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,159
but he sadly died before
reaching his home again.
383
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,639
Some princes and princesses
384
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,439
choose to live their lives
differently to most royals,
385
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,559
and march to the beat
of their own drum,
386
00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,279
like my fellow suffragette
Princess Sophia Duleep Singh.
387
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,759
Have you not heard of her? Wow!
388
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,759
She's a huge celeb
here in Edwardian England.
389
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,759
She uses her fame to raise
awareness for our cause -
390
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,239
votes for women, votes for women!
391
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,279
WOMEN CHANT: Votes for women!
Votes for women! Votes for women!
392
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,919
D'ah!
Votes for women!
393
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,119
Ah. Votes for women!
Votes for women!
394
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,079
Hi, cuz, don't see you at
Hampton Court much.
395
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,919
I thought Buckingham Palace was
your vibe.
396
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,159
Er, I'm not your cuz,
Princess Sophia.
397
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,759
I am your king.
Whatever.
398
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,159
Make it quick. I've got rights to
fight for and bikes to fix.
399
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,159
OK, look, I know you're not a
member of the British royal family,
400
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,639
but you are a princess,
and we royals are expected
401
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,039
to behave in certain ways.
402
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,639
Give us a hand oiling this chain.
403
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,639
Certainly not!
The daughter of a maharaja
404
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,719
should ride in a coach,
not on a...a bike.
405
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,759
Yeah, but I'm the newspaper's
face of female cycling.
406
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,439
And how can you campaign for
equality riding in a royal carriage?
407
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,759
Look, Princess Sophia,
408
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,479
your behaviour is
embarrassing the family.
409
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,399
Any more and I shall
have to ask you
410
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,919
to stop living in
Hampton Court Palace.
411
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,279
You can't. Your grandmother,
Queen Victoria, was my godmother,
412
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,079
and she gave me these rooms to live
in before she died.
413
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,239
They're mine.
414
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,479
Cycling, selling suffragette
newspapers,
415
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,439
protesting with a
troublemaking rabble.
416
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,159
I'm just trying to do my bit.
417
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,919
Oh! You could do your bit
by paying some taxes.
418
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,319
I won't pay tax until women have
fair representation in Government.
419
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,359
Votes for women! Votes for women!
420
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,799
Right. Votes for women!
421
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,079
Fine! Do what you want,
forget you're a royal.
422
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,559
Please, try and make
sure to keep your room tidy.
423
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,119
Tidy my room?
424
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,799
SCOFFING: No way!
We have maids for that.
425
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,759
I am a princess, after all.
426
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,120
ALL: Votes for women! Votes
for women! Votes for women!
427
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,479
Alfhild, your mother and I can't
always be with you... Oh.
428
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,639
..making sure
you don't meet any boys.
429
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,679
Uh... That's why we're putting
a couple of deadly snakes
430
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,319
in your room...
Ah!
431
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,599
..to keep them away.
432
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,519
SHE YELPS
Sleep well. What?
433
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,279
But don't touch them.
Oh, snakes, get off!
434
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,839
I'll never get a boyfriend now.
435
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,879
I'm...
436
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,199
# Princess Alfhild
You're going to get killed
437
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,639
# By the viper that guards me
438
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,279
# Watch where you tread
Or you'll end up dead
439
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,079
# With a capital D
440
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,359
Go away!
441
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,159
# Yes, I'm surrounded by snakes
442
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,399
And those are some serious stakes
443
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:35,960
# For a terminally curious
prince or three. #
444
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,199
Like a princess from an old-school
fairy tale,
445
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,879
Alfhild wants to find her prince.
446
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,439
Prince Alf, you got past the snakes
and rescued me.
447
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,919
Let's get married.
It'll be...
448
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,799
# A whole new life
449
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,559
# Golden slippers
and silver frocks
450
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,679
# I'll be your wife
451
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,519
# No snakes hiding in my socks. #
452
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,999
What? You are getting married?
453
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,359
All you know about him is that
he can avoid snakes.
454
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,159
Ah! Fine, you win.
455
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,399
What? I won't marry him.
What?! Yes!
456
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,919
I'll dress up as a man
and become a pirate!
457
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,239
Happy now?
Oh! Er...
458
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,879
Wait, what just happened?
459
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,879
Alfhild, the true story
of the princess
460
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,199
whose parents filled her bedroom
with snakes
461
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,679
and who ran off to become a pirate.
462
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,679
# Piracy
That's for me
463
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,919
# Plundering boats at sea
464
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,319
# I think we can all agree
Yeah!
465
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,959
# There'll never be
a queen like me. #
466
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,879
Alfhild, a princess
tale like you've never seen before.
467
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,919
Erm, I'm still a bit confused
by the whole pirate thing.
468
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,039
Oh, and does anyone have any
anti-venom for my bottom?
469
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,440
Oh!
470
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,839
# Loo man, loo man
471
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,519
# The living toilet poo man
472
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:54,719
# From the Middle Ages
473
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,559
# With a bucket
so that you can
474
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,359
# Have a poo
in a private place
475
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,719
# Sitting on my bucket
with a cape to hide your face
476
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,399
# Aid bum
And then you're done
477
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,279
# I will charge depending
if you did a two or one
478
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,159
# Loo man! #
479
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,399
Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo -
480
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,759
Bonnie Prince Charlie!
481
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
482
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,319
Greetings, friend.
Ah!
483
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,119
Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie,
the 18th-century prince
484
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,559
who laid clam to the thrones
of England, Scotland
485
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,959
and Ireland?
486
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,999
Yeah! Mm. Who are you?
Sorry, I just really need the loo.
487
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,119
HE FARTS
488
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,519
I...am Loo Man!
489
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,919
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
490
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,639
You have travelled through time
from the 18th century
491
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,839
to use my first-rate
toilet facility!
492
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,399
Oh!
493
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,159
It's...Plop Quiz!
494
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,319
RECORDED FART
495
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,159
What? Answer questions one and two
496
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,599
and I'll let you do a...
AUDIENCE: Poo!
497
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,319
I really, really need the toilet,
so can we...?
498
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,719
Say no more.
Question number one.
499
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,599
What is your proudest moment?
500
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,759
Well, my grandfather, James II...
FART
501
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,199
..was robbed of his English throne
during the Glorious Revolution,
502
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,039
just for being a bit Catholic.
FART
503
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,759
Er, so my proudest moment would be
504
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,839
when I and my Jacobite troops
505
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,919
crushed the British in battle...
FART
506
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,159
bringing me closer to
taking my throne back
507
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,159
from the usurper George II.
FART
508
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,879
Throne, as in the toilet?
509
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,799
No, the throne as in the throne!
510
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,359
I am the rightful King of Britain
and I really need a poo!
511
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,319
FART
All right.
512
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,319
Question number two.
Mm!
513
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,639
LAUGHING: Number two -
it gets me every time.
514
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,759
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
515
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:35,879
FART
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
516
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,359
What was your most
embarrassing moment?
517
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,919
Er, our rebellion ran out of luck
around the time of
518
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,359
the Battle of Culloden...
FART
519
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,559
and the English
captured 3,500 of my men
520
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,119
and executed 120.
521
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,679
And?
FART
522
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,079
I had to escape in a boat
while disguised as an Irish maid.
523
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,839
Now, can I please go to the toilet?
I'm nearly touching tartan!
524
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,519
You may pass...
525
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,959
liquids and/or solids.
526
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,519
That honks, man!
527
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,799
Come on.
528
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,399
Join me next time, when I'll be
stopping another historical celeb
529
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,159
from doing a poo,
to ask the questions...
530
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,239
FART
..just for...
531
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,719
Want to say it with me,
Bonnie Prince Charlie?
532
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,800
BOTH: Just for you.
533
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,719
Hi, I'm Prince Edward,
534
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,719
eldest son of Edward III.
535
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,879
Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales,
Duke of Cornwall,
536
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,799
and absolute lad!
537
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,759
People also called me
the Black Prince
538
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,079
on account of my sleek black armour,
and because I'm hard as nails.
539
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,039
What's the best thing about being
a prince?
540
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,519
Easy.
541
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,839
The weapons.
542
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,519
Like this bad boy.
543
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,239
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
544
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,199
This beauty's retired now,
545
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,399
but I've given it a place of honour
in the Royal Hall.
546
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,039
Every day, it gets fed
a ration of its own food.
547
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,999
Got to keep your
strength up, haven't we?
548
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,239
Huh? What's that?
549
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,599
He likes chops!
550
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,560
Such a great sense of humour.
551
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,519
So that was some of history's most
pitiful princes and princesses.
552
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,159
And many of them never even
got to be King or Queen,
553
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,879
especially the girls.
554
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,039
Until 2013, it was the oldest boy
who took the throne,
555
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,599
even if he had older sisters.
Imagine!
556
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,639
The most important thing
you've got to do
557
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,239
if you want to be in charge
is to stay alive,
558
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,639
and that wasn't
so easy in the old days.
559
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,239
Just ask the Black Prince Edward,
Prince Arthur Tudor,
560
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,520
and Frederick, Prince of Wales.
561
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,719
# When I was a young prince
562
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:42,039
# My father took me into the palace
563
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,480
# To say I'd rule the land
564
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:49,959
# He said, "Son, when you grow up
565
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,279
# "You'll be King
566
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,999
# "The great King of the Tudor
567
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,879
# "Your life's already planned
568
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,279
HE RETCHES
569
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,599
# But I dropped dead at 15
570
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,479
# They gave my crown and queen
To my brother
571
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,840
# Who later divorced her
572
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,599
# And they left me a side note
573
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,999
# A phantom in the sad parade of
574
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,800
# Great kings that never were
575
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,639
# For Edward died of dysentery
576
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,879
# We call him The Black Prince
577
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,200
# No throne for him
That stylish warrior
578
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,439
# When Frederick got awful sick
579
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:41,919
# His dad George was relieved
580
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,919
# Cos as an heir
Fred was below par
581
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,799
# We can't rule on
We can't rule on
582
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,479
So let's hear it for the roll call
583
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,479
# Of kings you never knew at all
584
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,919
# We can't rule on
585
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,719
# But don't forget the kings
you never had
586
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,799
# Cos we all died before our dads
587
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,479
# Disappointing Fred
Drew his last breath
588
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,719
# Ah, ah, ah
589
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,679
# Ed looked cool
But pooed himself to death
590
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,759
FART
Ah, ah, ah
591
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,519
# And there's also me
592
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,279
# And don't forget Alphonso... #
593
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,119
Alphonso?
594
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,679
Yeah, Alphonso.
595
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:27,759
Dad was Edward I.
596
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,359
I was going to be King of England
but I died in 1284.
597
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,079
HE TUTS
Come on.
598
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,399
# We could have ruled
But we were gone
599
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,199
# So we could have had
a King Alphonso
600
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,199
# There's no King Fred
to be anointing
601
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,919
# Because he's dead
Dead disappointing
602
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,519
# The never kings
The sad procession
603
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,599
# It really stinks
We've no succession
604
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,039
# We died too young
That much is clear
605
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:58,120
# Some, like Ed,
Of di-a-rrhoea. #
606
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,999
Er, could we all stop going on about
how I pooed myself to death?
607
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,759
There's nothing wrong with pooing
yourself to death.
608
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,159
People did it all the time.
609
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,399
Shut up, Alphonso.
610
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,800
DRUM BOOMS
611
00:28:08,850 --> 00:28:13,400
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