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Sometimes the smallest actions can unleash

a series of events that become vast and unstoppable.

A butterfly flaps its wings, a ripple becomes a wave,

a wave that crashes on the rock of eternity,

tearing the fabric of the cosmos and changing the course of history.

This is not one of those stories.

Lee Matthews Junior.

You know, flash git from town, weird-looking, sparrow-legged twat.

You'll never guess what, right? He's had a few jars, it's Christmas,

but he decides to take the car out for a spin when the roads are quiet, see?

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ♪

He hits some black ice over by St Dunstan's there

and takes out the whole bloody nativity scene, don't he?

Mary, Joseph, even the little baby Jesus!

He knows he's toast if he's caught, right,

so he takes the coward's way out, calls Daddy for help.

Dad? Dad!

Dad, I've really fucked up!

Now, they know who the car belongs to,

so it ain't but a few hours till they turn up at the big house, is it?

But Little Lord Fauntleroy's way too important to go to jail.

And what with him being heir apparent to a chicken empire

and his dad being a big noise with the local Masons,

why, they make the whole thing go away.

Poof!

Best bit is, they pin it on some poor sap instead, don't they?

He got ten months. Ten!

Of course, it was only a matter of time

before he came home,

looking for answers.

Honda XLR. Solid dirt bike.

Some people don't like the Japanese ones.

They're idiots.

It's a 2000 but I've done a complete refurb on it.

You'd never even know.

Except I do know, don't I?

You told me.

I'll give you 1,200.

It's worth twice that!

No. Not with its history it's not.

Two grand, come on!

1,400 and a handshake.

What am I gonna do with a bloody handshake? It's not American Pickers.

Meet me in the middle.

1,450.

- That's not in the middle. - Well, it's the middle of 14 and 15.

But the good news, it still comes with a handshake.

Come on. Step into my orifice.

Here.

One king's ransom.

Tell you what,

I'll throw that in an' all.

And that ain't none of your local bush weed neither.

We're talking medical grade stuff, like proper hospice shit.

My supplier. Out of town. Postal only.

You enjoy that, you message him.

Tell him I sent you.

He'll hook you up.

But keep it on the downlow, eh?

Said too much already.

Supposed to be keeping my nose clean.

It's kinda one of the conditions.

Oh, aye.

What did they get you for?

Driving without insurance, leaving the scene of a crime, desecrating a grave.

Serious shit.

Yeah. Would be if I'd done it.

You like that, do you?

All-seeing eye, mate.

Means I'm switched on. Awakened.

Heard of the Illuminati? The Bilderberg Group?

Like "Da Vinci Code" and that?

Yeah, he was one of them, till they chucked him out.

"They"?

New World Order. Puppet masters' puppet masters.

Shadowy forces controlling all this.

Not all this, but like all this! All that.

Lincolnshire?

Lincolnshire,

West Norfolk, anywhere you can imagine.

All they need's a phone mast these days

and they can re-programme you remotely.

Beam a cancer straight into your brain.

Seen it happen.

I tell you, every war, famine, financial crash,

anything you can think of, "they" engineered it.

Free will is an illusion, my friend.

Innocent men like us?

We're just meat for the grinder.

I'm not scared.

You should be.

I'll find them.

What if they don't wanna be found?

I'm good at looking.

Oh!

Sweet revenge, eh?

Do you need a gun?

Might take me a couple of days but I could get you a gun.

Or if it's something more urgent, a blade maybe?

- Or a Ninja star? I got a big box of... - No. No.

I need answers.

They took something from me and I want it back.

Couldn't give me a lift into town, could you?

I can do you one better than that.

Stupid fucking bike!

Jayce wasn't the only one looking for answers.

Local dickheads Sticks and Vincenzo, in their natural habitat,

wrestling with the big questions of the day.

Do you want to see a picture of a monk on fire?

Uh, yeah.

Ooh! Fucking hell!

He's gonna want some Savlon on that!

Proper nutters them Buddhist monks.

This was during 'Nam. Yanks took one look and said,

"No, thank you. There is no way we are fighting them double-hard bastards."

Threw down their weapons and went home.

It's mad, innit?

Are you listening?

Thought he was banged up.

- Must be out. - He's grown.

Nah, that's a very small bike.

Out.

Go! Get out!

Shit, man!

Knobhead!

- It's good to see you, Jayce! - Yeah. Clearly.

- Who was the...? - Yeah, cross-country runner.

- Probably lost. - Oh.

Get a lot of them round here. Anyway...

let me give you the tour of Casa Del Lee. Come, follow.

You're not staying at the big house anymore then?

Nah. Grew out of that place.

Well, Dad got remarried and they thought I should move down here,

but I'm totally fine with it though.

Why? What have you heard? Someone been saying something?

Uh... no.

Yeah, I know. Keep it that way.

Um, as caravans go...

I don't like that word.

I prefer to call it a one-bedroom flat on wheels.

Plus I got way more space now. Well, less space but more privacy.

Well, beside the fact you just wandered straight in here.

The gym.

That's just some stuff in a pile.

You're welcome to helping yourself to anything, mate.

And this bit here...

Wow! Just use your imagination.

- What's with the hole? - Yeah, don't get too close.

A badger lives down there.

I reckon I could handle a badger, mate.

Yeah. Badgers are the British bear, mate.

Watched a documentary on them.

Vicious bastards.

An apex predator.

Right. You imagine that you're some cute little apex

minding its own business, eating a fucking strawberry or something.

Then all of a sudden, one of them cunts comes bursting out,

teeth and claws! Crrrr!

You'd shit your pants.

You've been gone away too long, Jayce.

Things have changed.

The name Lee Matthews Junior...

well, it means something round here.

I'm empire building. Spreading my wings.

LA, California.

Honestly, there is nothing quite like it.

Cruising in a low rider, making deals down the Los Santos freeway.

You been to LA?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, GTA 5, but it's well realistic.

- Mmm. - Come, sit.

So was it Maximum Security or...

Young Offenders.

Did they segregate you?

No.

Yeah, they'd have to segregate me.

High-value target like myself, crosshairs on my back.

Did you escape?

Obviously not.

Oh.

That's the difference between you and me, mate.

I suppose there's not much to do in there except work out.

Do you do much working out at all or...?

I see you've bulked up though.

- Have I? - Mmm.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Maybe a bit.

It's the Matthews' Method, mate.

Building mass and kickin' ass.

I guess you know why I'm here then.

The car.

Any idea who took it?

Car enthusiasts, students,

seasonal workers with a grudge. Could have been anyone really.

- You know what people are like. - So where is it?

Thing's a write-off, mate.

There's value in a wreck, you know that.

I mean, the seats alone were worth a couple of hundred,

plus the hub caps. I mean...

We put a lot of work into that, Lee.

It's all gone.

Five-O took it, crushed it up, made an example out of it, didn't they?

There is nothing left.

I begged them not to.

Anyway, water under a duck's back now, innit?

I mean, we all want to know what happened,

but some questions, they just don't have the answers, do they?

Finish it.

Thanks, mate.

Anything you need, you give Lee Matthews Junior a call, all right?

Cheers.

Mind you, reception's shite round here.

Thinking of getting a mast.

So, is it how they say it is or...?

What?

The gangs. The hole.

The showers.

What do you mean?

Never mind.

Never mind.

Yeah, there's a sniper in the watchtower.

- He's gone. - Yes! No, it's all right, I've got him.

Okay, head to the compound.

- Take out the guards at the entrance. - Okay.

- Get your hunting knife out. - Camera's disabled.

- Okay, yeah, carry on! - South entrance?

Now, follow me round the back, there's too many out here.

Okay, I'm going to loot this building on the way.

- Have you still got that knife? - 10-4.

Yeah? Got it?

Okay. One to the heart! One to the neck!

Stab, stab, stab!

And they're down!

Carry on. No, round the back. I'm going round the back.

Fuck's sake! Hwan, you can't drop out now.

Need to go to bed.

What do you mean, you need to go to bed? What time is it in Korea?

- I'm tired. - Yeah, well, I'm tired, too.

We're all tired.

- All right there, Mr Maddams? - Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- Still there, Hwan? - Ambush?

No, it's just some nosy old bloke from next door.

I'm off.

All right then. Annyeong, have a good day at school tomorrow.

Nan, I've got your Wotsits!

Dad?

- Can you hear me? Over! - Dad?

No, you don't have to say "over".

And... And you don't have to shout either, you'll wake Jemmy.

Oh, sorry.

What's... what's the matter? Why are you calling?

You called me!

Yeah, 'cause I had 49 missed calls

and I thought you might have had a fall or something.

Or died.

How could I have called you if I'd died?

I don't know. It's very late here. Can you please stop shouting?

I just wanted to tell you something funny that happened at work today.

You don't work there anymore. We've gone through that.

I like to check in with the lads. It's good for morale.

Let me set the scene.

Rotterdam shipment. Always a problem with those.

It said on the manifest, 300 units.

But Dangerous Dave said he'd been thinking.

And I said, "You don't want to be doing that, mate,

remember what happened last time?"

It's a little joke I like to have with him

on account of him being a bit slow on the uptake.

Some of the lads even call him Turbo.

Oh, I think the screen's frozen.

Oh, no, I'm still here, Dad.

Did I tell you about Douglas?

His wife ran off with some lad from Senegal that she met on eBay.

Devastated he was.

Still, he's having his drive done, so swings and roundabouts.

I think you need to, um, go out and meet more people.

I've met more than enough people, thank you.

Get... Get a little job or something, you know, like we talked about.

Back to bed, Jemmy!

- Who's that? - It's Grandad.

I can see up his nose! And why is it so hairy?

She's grown.

Yeah, kids do that.

I don't like Grandad!

Can I say hello?

Dad, no! It's two o'clock in the bloody morning!

Care work?

Uh, no.

Um, foreign languages?

Mm-mm.

It's just a formality.

You checking I've got arms and legs?

Oh, no, we don't discriminate.

What, even for pushing trolleys?

Especially for pushing trolleys.

If the government says you're fit to work, you're fit to work.

And what are you, 80?

No, 67.

Exactly. Still got miles left in you. Silver service?

- Mm. - No.

Telesales?

Door work?

I'll put that down as a "no", shall I?

Uh, word processing?

Typing.

Yeah. Why not?

- Words per minute? - Um...

Fifteen.

Depending on the words.

Right.

So, just a phone number from you then, Mr Maddams, and then we're all set.

Oh my God! Meg.

Meg! Meg, Meg! Come in here!

Come in here! Come in here and have a look at this.

Have a look at this relic!

Oh... Look!

Fucking hell.

No, no. No, not him, the phone.

Fucking hell!

Someone call The Antiques Roadshow!

What, do you use that to ring the dinosaurs?

Here you are, let's have a picture!

Nice.

Looks like it runs on steam power that, don't it?

Where you dig up that fossil up, Phonehenge?

It looks like it's from the... the Phone Age!

Well, that don't work, does it?

'Cause like Phonehenge works

'cause you can imagine them all stacked up on top of each other and that,

but I mean, we're basically in the Phone Age, aren't we,

so you fucked it.

Anyway, you might want to cas' it up a bit next time.

Look like you're going to a funeral.

Actually, can I get another picture, but this time

can you look even more old and pathetic?

Yeah, nice.

Just like that!

Oh! Yeah, sick.

Classic. Love it.

Ah!

It's like The Walking Dead in there!

Uh, telesales?

All right, lads? How's school?

Any good? Good? Good? Good?

All right. This is your finest.

Lee Matthews.

Good stuff.

I'll take that off you. Have a good one. See you in a bit.

How we doing?

Dugga-dugga-dugga!

You what?

Uzi, nine millimetre.

I don't see no Uzi, mate.

That's the point. You wouldn't till it was too late.

Then bang!

I'd shoot you right between the head.

See you later.

Remember, yeah, if that had have been a real Uzi,

you squits would have been proper dead by now!

D-E-D. Dead.

Stay out of trouble, yeah? Peace.

Chicken, lads?

Have a good one.

I don't give a shit, mate. I don't give a shit.

- I'm in charge, mate. - No, you're not in charge.

This should be 50/50 and it's not.

- What do you mean, it's 50/50? - You said I could give him the money.

- That was the deal. - "That was the deal"!

- You're a knob. - Your mum's a knob.

I told you, don't talk about my mum!

And you, you're king of the knobs.

You wear a crown of knobs, sit on a knob throne,

holding a big old knob in your hand and smiling!

Yaaaah!

Cockfinger!

Stop talking about knobs, you dicks!

Fuck's sake!

Which one's the hardest?

Eh?

If you saw these on top of that hill, which one would shit you up the most?

I've no idea, mate.

Look harder.

That one?

Wrong. It's this one.

We're getting a mast, 5G, hot as shit.

And it's one of them ones that looks like a tree.

What do you mean, it looks like a tree?

It's a phone mast that looks like a tree.

I don't get it.

Remember that comb I had that looked like a flick-knife?

It's... It's a bit like that.

So it flicks up?

- Maybe. - I can't see!

Yeah, that could be good.

I'm still in the research stage.

Vincenzo did it again!

Special delivery!

Ah!

Paula. Where's your nan?

Nan?

Rosemary. Where is she?

Oh, she's not here anymore.

Do what?

She's gone.

Moved on.

Oh, God! That's terrible news!

She's in a better place now.

Oh, I'm so sorry. When did this happen?

Yesterday.

If it's any consolation, she wanted to go.

That's very philosophical of you.

I'm a very philosophical person.

Wait! Wait a sec! Sorry!

- She's not... - She isn't?

- No, she's gone up to Shady Pines. - Oh.

Can't look after herself anymore.

Oh! Cocking blimey! Idiot!

Look, uh, Paula.

- Sorry for, um... - Don't be, I needed a laugh.

What was it you wanted?

From chicken farm to slaughterhouse,

haulage firm to rest home,

the ill-gotten gains of a business empire.

And that was just the legitimate action.

Dogs, bare-knuckle boxing, cock fights - the Matthews ran it all.

What chance did Jayce have against The Man?

Little did he know, but his fortunes were about to change.

Jeez! Stop going on about prison, why don't you?

It's nothing to be proud of.

Were you somebody's bitch? I always thought you'd make a great...

- bitch. - Shut up!

I don't mean to be rude, mate, but...

is there a reason you smell like cat food?

Is that a prison thing or...?

I'm working the meats.

Dad's drinking again.

Two pairs of gloves and my hands still smell like a butcher's apron.

The guys I work with, they say,

"Jason, the smell is always the smell.

You are doing evil work. Evil work, evil smell.

This is the price we must pay.

God does not exist in that building."

Must be some trick to get rid of it. 'Cause that is minging!

No trick, only acceptance.

Mmm.

Very Zen.

Yeah.

Well, on the plus side.

Perk of the job.

What is it? Pork?

Lamb? Chicken?

Yes.

Ugh!

Are you busy tomorrow?

Nan's neighbour, the nosy old bloke,

says he's got something that belongs to her.

- What, a big black dildo? - Fuck off, Jayce! No!

Jesus! Don't say things like that.

- And why's it have to be black? - Racialist.

- Ever hear anything? - About?

The car. Why I got put away?

Oh, that. Yeah, the whole town was talking about you.

There was a letter-writing campaign. The One Show came sniffing about.

Proper media splash.

Really?

Oh, not really.

Probably best put it behind you. Water under the, you know, thing.

Yeah, that's what Lee said.

You saw Lee?

Yeah, why?

No reason.

So I can count on you for tomorrow?

Don't be late!

He's late.

Five minutes.

Punctuality's a sign of good character.

Kev, Jayce.

He smells of meat but you'll get used to it.

All right?

You're late.

Her nan asked me to look after them.

Thought they might be worth something.

Two and a half grand.

Judging from the smell, which was his first mistake,

this a strain of White Widow.

Street value ten pounds per gram. 28 grams per ounce.

Each one producing a yield of, say, nine ounces.

You're looking at roughly two and a half grand here.

Two and a half grand for each individual plant.

Would be better if, you know... they were actually dried.

What, you mean, like this?

Well, they keep growing, don't they?

I had to do something with them.

Luckily my wife owned a lot of Tupperware.

She used to batch cook.

There's more?

Holy shit!

- I've died and gone to heaven! - Ah, perhaps.

But it's taking up precious freezer space.

I didn't want to just chuck it away though

'cause it's not really mine, is it?

Besides, it's not like I could take it down the dump.

Questions would be asked.

They're very strict at the dump.

Plus Neighbourhood Watch have got eyes everywhere.

Kevin!

Noticed any unusual activity next door?

Can't be too careful.

Squatters get a sniff of an empty property,

before you know it, there's a crack house on your doorstep!

I made a stab at trying to sell it.

Hello.

- Paedo! - Paedo!

Yeah, I'm not sure I've got the right look.

What, and I have?

That's not what I meant.

Everyone look at the black kid, why don't you?

It's because you're the ex-con.

- Still made the assumption. - Well, he's not going to do it, is he?

Would you buy drugs off some 80-year-old bloke in a cardigan?

I'm 67!

Think I've upset him.

Am I a racist?

It's so hard to tell these days.

It really isn't.

Been out of jail less than a week.

Supposed to be staying out of trouble.

I think the universe has other ideas.

Your mum!

- What? - Your mum's here.

She's not my mum.

Stash?

Tell her to step into my office and... warm down, lads.

Grab yourselves an egg and don't forget to stretch it out.

Well, I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere,

because there was I thinking Muscle Beach was in LA.

What's happened to him?

Got cockfingered.

I'm afraid I don't know what that is.

Phoar!

His mum's fit.

She's not his mum.

Don't care, she's still fit.

I wish my mum was fit.

Tie or no tie?

I'd feel naked without a tie.

That's not an image I'm comfortable with.

First impressions. Kev. We don't want him getting the wrong idea.

Look, the man's a drug dealer.

Uh, please put that down. That was a retirement gift!

Weren't very popular, were you?

Hilarious.

Is it ironic?

It's brass, I think.

"To Trev."

Kev.

- It says Trev. - That was a mistake.

I'll say.

Cash Converters offered me money for this, I'll have you know.

They said it was a lovely piece,

but that they explained that the market for Argos-era Louis Quatorze

engraved with the name "Trev" is a bit sluggish at the moment.

What they really wanted was egg boxes.

Egg boxes?

I've absolutely no idea why.

Hmm.

All them years you worked for the Matthews?

Mmm. Man and boy.

Can't even imagine 40 years.

Yeah? Well, it'll creep up on you soon enough, mark my words.

X-Boxes!

Who's this?

That's Jemimah, my granddaughter. Sweet, in't she?

Adorable.

Yeah, I hope to meet her someday.

You've never met your own granddaughter?

She's coming on. Just... Yeah, you're fine.

- There she is, yeah. - All right then.

Dad?

Good day, cobber!

Do you know what time it is?

It's 7:00pm local time, if my calculations are correct.

They are! I'm impressed.

I've been on the internet.

I've been doing some research into flights.

Really?

It's 20 hours...

but there's a stopover.

There is. It's Singapore.

Oh, it's great. They even have a waterfall.

Did she say waterfall?

You're being really weird. What's going on, Dad? Are you dying?

Never felt more alive.

Well, I can't believe you remembered.

Oh, your screen's frozen.

Oh, you didn't remember.

Your own granddaughter's birthday.

Um... Of course I remembered!

Who forgets their granddaughter's birthday?

Quite soon... isn't it?

It's very soon, yeah. Hmm.

Yeah, well...

Coming over now might be a bit tricky.

I've, um, got a job.

A job?

Like we discussed.

And, uh, I've been meeting people.

Oh, what kind of job is this?

No, go on, Dad. No, you should tell me. No, I want to know.

This job that's so important that

you can't come and meet you own granddaughter.

Well, you know the old lady next-door?

Uh, the screen's frozen.

Did she say waterfall?

Shut up, Jayce.

Little Chef?

That's what he said.

- Little Chef - what is that? - Restaurant.

Yeah, I know what it is, but what does it mean? Is it drug code?

Again, I don't like the way you look at me when you ask that.

You're in my eyeline.

It's just somewhere to meet, Kev. Stop being suspicious.

- Seatbelts! - We're in the back, Grandad.

There's nothing "Grandaddy" about The Highway Code.

If I were to slam the brakes on,

you two would go flying through the windscreen.

And then I've lost my no claims bonus!

Come on.

Just for one day you're not Kev Maddams.

You're Clint Eastwood.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking...

Let us out!

Pardon?

You've got the child locks on. Let us out!

Wind the window down. I can't hear you over all the traffic!

You've got the child lock on.

Let us out!

Oh! I couldn't hear you. Besides, I had the child lock on.

What have you come as?

This is my interview suit.

This ain't a job interview, Kev.

I wanted to look professional.

Well, not professional, but, you know, serious.

Why have you got your barbecue shirt on?

Well, I looked too serious, didn't I?

I don't want this bloke thinking I'm a policeman so I've casualled it up a bit.

You don't look like a policeman, Kev.

Ah, thank you, Jason.

You look like a sex tourist.

That's right. You two act the giddy goat!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm having a raspberry milkshake.

Don't see them many places.

He's late.

Stop looking at the door. You're making me nervous.

There's one with a Mars Bar in it. Don't know how I feel about that.

Our whole plan hinges on this meeting and all he can talk about is milkshakes!

He's a drug dealer, Kev. He doesn't have to be punctual.

Well, I think it shows a lack of respect.

He's a drug dealer, Kev. He doesn't have to be respectful.

Well, I don't like the sound of this man one little bit.

Uh, we need a little bit more time, thanks.

I don't. I'll have a raspberry milkshake, please.

Uh, we're waiting for someone.

Mr Green, perchance?

Shit it! We've been rumbled!

Uh... Look, officer, we've not even done anything wrong yet.

Not that we were going to.

Relax, I'm Mr Green.

Well, in that case, you're late.

Full English with extra bacon?

Oh, that's me.

What a treat!

My wife would kill me if she could see me eating this.

I'm supposed to be watching my cholesterol. Hmm-mm!

Before we go any further, Mr Green,

I feel you should know that I have in my possession a gun.

Um, should you try any funny business.

Kev!

He doesn't have a gun.

Why did he just say he did then?

Too much TV. Just ignore him.

- Oh! Is that why he's dressed... - Yes.

Okay. And the shades?

They're not shades, they're prescription transitions.

They go like this when it's sunny.

We're inside.

Yeah, well, they were cheap.

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

No real names!

Call me Clint.

Okay. Clint, do you really have a gun?

No.

That's a relief.

Now, look, I've in this business the best part of 20 years.

And in all that time I've not had one single instance of violence.

It's not how I do business and it's not who I care to do business with.

I go home at night to my wife and family with my head held high.

And do you know why?

Because I'm very good at my job and I've built up a loyal customer base.

I'm proud of it, okay.

Bunch of junkies.

No, no, no. Sorry, I'm going to have to pick you up on that!

A lot of my clients are dealing with chronic pain.

Pain that my product helps alleviate.

I'm talking MS, ME, arthritis...

a lot of palliative care.

You might not believe me, but I deal with a lot of hospices.

All unofficial, of course,

but until the NHS steps in to provide access to this medicine,

I'm providing an essential service.

So all this gun talk, Clint,

frankly, it's not on.

- Say sorry, Kev. - Clint!

He's a big boy. I'm not saying sorry.

Kev!

Clint!

Oh...

All right.

I'm sorry, Mr Green, if I offended you.

Apology accepted.

Ah!

Good sausage.

Mark of a good breakfast that.

Get the sausage right, you're onto a winner.

I'm not going to lie, this hasn't started well.

Pretending to have a gun, all that kind of stuff. It's silly.

Clearly none of you have done this before.

Which is totally fine.

Don't be nervous. Everyone has to start somewhere.

We're gonna navigate our way through this together.

You keep providing me with good product and I'll give you a fair price.

I always pay on receipt of the goods. Everything above board.

And we only deal with each other. No middlemen.

Or women.

Or women, exactly. And thank you for picking me up on that.

Good relationships are built on trust.

Now, do you have a sample for me?

Nice tight buds.

Right. Now for the real test.

I shall return.

"I have in my possession a gun."

Piss off!

How long does it take to smoke half a joint?

Don't know.

I'll take everything you have.

What a nice man.

Did you see the way he polished off those pancakes?

A little too nice, if you ask me.

At the end of the day, he's a drug dealer,

and drug dealers are criminals.

Aren't we drug dealers now?

- That's... That's different. - How?

I don't know but, you know, it just is.

You can't trust somebody like that Mr Green.

How can...

Can you roll down the window, please?

What did I tell you?

Be ready, everyone.

All that talking, I forgot to give you the money.

What a dingbat!

Oh...

It's all there. Count it if you want?

No, it's all right. We trust you.

It's really nice to meet you all.

Yeah.

Here, Clint, I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot.

I... I shouldn't have lost my temper like that.

You're new to this and I should've been more understanding.

Anyway, drive safely.

I'll be in touch.

Yeah, Kev, definitely untrustworthy that one.

Eh?

Jayce.

What's he up to?

We'd better tell Lee, hadn't we?

Yesterday's man. With the trees. What is it with the fucking trees?

Trees are shit!

Lee Matthews Junior awoke from his chicken nap

at the wheel of his 3 Series in a lay-by off the A16.

5G!

Mmm.

These pleasant green fields were once witness to a minor Civil War skirmish

in which three people were blown apart by their own cannon.

Horrible.

The site is now a business park.

But another kind of business was on Lee's mind that morning;

the business of expansion.

- Where are the big ones? - The...?

Trees. The big fuckers.

These are all trees.

No. I want a proper tree.

Not this midget Japanese gonzo shit.

Oh, well, this is a sapling and it will grow into a tree.

Nice. How long?

Uh, about 30 years.

I ain't got that long.

You got any faster ones?

No.

I want to see me dad.

For what?

- Business. - What business?

Family business. We're getting a tree.

That's a very small tree, Lee!

It's just a photo!

The real one's much bigger and it's made of metal as well.

Oh, you're not still going on about that idiot mast?

It's called progress, actually.

You should look it up in a dictionary. Now, can I see him?

No, he's having a sleep. Just tugged him off.

I'll tell him all about your tree but you need to do something for me.

What's that?

Can you smell fish?

I can smell all different types of things.

Why do you want me to smell a fish?

No, he pool. It stinks.

Probably the filter.

Gets clogged with skin and hair, or could be the stack.

Or might even be a squirrel, that happened once.

Oh, lovely!

Take a look now, I suppose.

Do this for your mother?

You're not my mum.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Your friend keeps asking questions.

So now I'm going to ask you a question.

Can we trust you to take care of it?

Lee and Jayce had been best friends since the age of seven.

Of course, it's not easy thing to do to betray your best friend,

but it's the kind of thing all great leaders must be willing to do

as they claw their way to power.

A blood sacrifice, if you will.

Well, not quite a blood sacrifice,

just ten months in a Young Offenders. But still, you get my point.

But it didn't quite sit right with Junior.

Guilt weighed heavily upon those broad shoulders.

He felt forces conspiring against him.

And conspiring they were,

as a new crew in the 'hood settled down to enjoy the fruits of their labours.

To the victor, the spoils!

I might treat myself to a new Flymo.

There's some pretty snazzy barbecues at the garden centre as well.

There's some on wheels now. Gas ones!

- I want a 65 inch LED TV. - Oh!

I'm a woman of simple pleasures.

When people start aiming high, that's when the problems start.

Stress, depression. No thanks!

I've set my sights low, that way I will never be disappointed.

By that metric I'm probably the most successful person you know.

Amen to that!

You're being suspiciously quiet.

What do you want?

Ten months of my life I'd like back.

No, I meant, more like that bike you're always banging on about.

What's the matter with him?

Search me.

Upsetting the supply chain of a provincial drugs market,

no matter how small and twatty, doesn't come without its consequences.

As Newton's Third Law states:

for every action in nature there must be an equal and opposite reaction.

And this reaction was imminent,

as Kev Maddams and his young friends were shortly to discover.

Why aren't they buying?

Obviously, everyone round here's got their shit together all of a sudden.

Well, it's a free market, right?

No, mate, it's a quasi-oligopoly controlled by a cartel.

Prices are kept artificially high

by manipulation of supply chain

and a ruthless monopolisation of resources.

Oi!

Eh!

- We're keeping this. - I'll get my brother on you!

Oh, yeah?

- How old is he? - Fifteen.

We're keeping this!

Let that be a lesson to you! Don't do drugs!

Unless they're ours!

Tell you what, this is good shit.

Nice tight buds.

Sticks, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Do they really put boxing gloves on kangaroos

or is that just in the cartoons?

Yeah, that's actually not what I'm thinking, mate.

Remember that scene we saw at Little Chef?

What, you think it was dope?

Well, I don't think it was fucking football stickers.

No, I do not think that at all.

Good cop, bad cop.

Don't want to be a cop.

What do you wanna be?

Fireman.

Good fireman, bad fireman? What's a bad fireman? There's no such thing.

All right, lads? Are you having a smooch behind there?

Popular dogging area that.

No, we work for Lee Matthews.

Oh, not that sparrow-legged little twat?

Keep your wits about you, yeah? Some of these old blokes are nutters.

I could take an old bloke.

You haven't met my uncle, mate.

Sixty years old, built like a brick shithouse.

Punched a dolphin to death at Seaworld.

With the grandkids, reckoned one of the dolphins looked at them funny.

Lifetime ban from the state of Florida.

We go in, poke around for a bit.

Look for anything unusual. Capiche?

- Cabbage? - Capiche.

What? What does that mean?

"Do you understand".

Not really.

- What? - I don't understand.

What don't you understand?

Are you taking the piss?

Fuck you, man!

We're cops.

He's by the book but I'm a renegade, a maverick.

I do things my own way but I get results.

We're not cops.

Make your mind up.

You are cops or you aren't cops?

Because they told me not to open the door to anyone

except Meals on Wheels or policemen.

Wait a minute, I know you two!

It's Paul and Phillip, isn't it?

From Scouts.

You're friends with my son, Alastair.

Oh! You've come for your sponsorship money, haven't you?

Yes, I'm always happy to help a good cause.

So...

one for you and one for you.

We can't take this.

Speak for yourself, I'll take it. Thank you.

But... he obviously ain't no drug dealer.

Can we go?

He smells tragic and...

to be honest, mate, this is making me feel really sad.

Stay for tea? It's corned beef.

You boys always loved your corned beef, didn't you?

I'd like the company if I'm honest.

See you, lads. Thanks a lot.

Spend that money wisely!

And you can tell Rumbelows I'll be cancelling the standing order!

What the fuck just happened?

Why did you offer to do his gutters?

I don't know. He confused me.

He's mugged you off, mate, that's what he's done.

Fucking beige bastard!

He made me feel really sorry for him.

He was taking the living piss.

Nah, nah, I'm not having that.

- Vinny? - Bad fireman.

Holmbeach 713.

Hello, Kevin. It's Douglas, next door.

Hello, Douglas. Life treating you well?

Can't complain. Well, I could...

Had your drive done, I see.

Indeed I did.

Yeah. Unusual finish on it.

Well spotted!

It's a resin-bound mix of stone and aggregate.

Cutting-edge driveway technology.

Ooh, resin, eh? Fantastic.

Oh, brave new world that has such wonders in it!

I've no idea what that means but I'll take two of them!

Anyway, Kevin,

the reason I'm calling is that your bin's on fire.

Uh, your... looks like your green waste bin in your front garden.

Uh, it's quite on fire now, actually. Uh...

Slightly concerned it might spread.

As I said, it's a resin-bound mix and there's no fire clause in the warranty.

Do you know how hard it is to extinguish a wheelie bin fire?

I don't often I say this, Kev, but I'm impressed.

But why did nobody tell me it was so good?

- Ooh! - It's hardly a secret.

Did you miss the '60s?

Think the '60s missed me.

Yeah, well, this is the arse end of nowhere.

It's funny that, because if you look at a map of down the road, East Anglia,

it looks a bit like an arse.

Italy looks like a boot, East Anglia looks just like a big old bum.

Britain's bum.

How high are you?

Five foot eleven in my slippers.

You know, Paula, I expected this to be a bit more complicated.

The whole "dealing drugs" thing,

I thought it would be, you know, a bit riskier.

It always is on TV.

You know what, Kev?

I've learnt in life that if something seems too easy to be true,

it's best not to question it.

Maybe I'm getting paranoid.

Mm, it'll do that to you.

When I were your age I weren't scared of anything.

Apart from Daddy Longlegs. Never got on with them.

Mmm. They are quite chaotic creatures.

But the older you get...

the more...

life...

happens.

It starts to... carve bits off you.

- Mmm. - You know what I mean?

Not really.

It's the fear, in't it?

Fear shapes a person.

It's the things that you don't do that take away from you.

The more you let fear in, the more it takes.

Missed opportunities.

The chances never taken.

I've lost a lot to fear.

- Deep. - And you know what?

At the end of it all, the things that you were scared of...

turn out to be not nearly half as bad as the fear of the thing itself.

That's very philosophical of you.

I'm a very philosophical person.

Mmm.

Are my... Are my hands getting smaller?

You haven't taken LSD. Weed don't do that.

Oh, well, maybe I should take LSD?

One step at a time, Kev, eh?

Oi! Just need your John Hancock and you can ride that beast out of here.

Who desecrates a grave?

Well, he didn't do it. You've met Jayce.

Ah, I must confess it don't seem very likely.

Worst-kept secret in Holmbeach!

Well, how did it happen?

It was last Christmas.

Where did you get this?

Oh...

Good story this.

You know that flash git from the town? Weird looking, sparrow-legged twat?

Right, well, get this, yeah.

He's had a couple of jars, it's Christmas.

Decides to take the car out for a little spin,

you know, while the roads are quiet and that.

Hits some black ice up near St Dunstan's.

Mary, Joseph, even little baby Jesus.

Well, the best bit about it is,

they pinned it on some poor sap instead, didn't they?

He got ten months! Ten!

Hmm!

Total write-off, of course.

I'll break it up for parts if you're interested?

God! That's awful.

You're telling me.

That you could do that to your best friend.

What?

You betrayed him.

Betrayed's a strong word, Kev. It's not like I had a choice.

You could have stood by him. You could have done the right thing.

It's not that simple, is it? You know the Matthews.

How can I trust you?

You don't understand, I didn't want to! I was...

I was scared!

I was scared!

Oh, Kevin.

- Second window on the left. - Eyes on.

Take him out, Hwan!

- Oh, good shot! - Always.

At ease, soldier.

- Alright, "friend". - Jayce, where the fuck...?

So you just let me go to jail, did you?

- Now, before you go accusing people... - Judas!

- Did Kev tell you? - What, Kev knows too?!

No, I literally just told him! It's the worst-kept secret in Holmbeach.

And I honestly thought you had my back! You're just like the rest of them!

- Don't start saying things like that. - Fuck off!

- Jayce, listen to me. Jayce... - I'm tired of listening to you.

Fuck off!

Hwan. Life and death situation.

- In the game? - No, actual life and death.

What's up, Knobhead? You seem a bit agitated.

You know exactly what's up, you prick!

Honestly, mate, I ain't got a scooby.

Were you ever gonna tell me?

Oh...

that.

Yes, fucking that!

I was hoping you wouldn't find out.

I bet you were.

You'd never even have got it finished without me!

I know that!

You were the one with talent, mate, not me.

That car was the only thing that I've ever done that I was proud of!

Why did you tell them I stole it? You stupid fucking...!

Coward?

I know! I'm a coward and a wanker! I can't argue with that.

One minute I'm blasting along and next thing I lose control at this corner

and I plough into a crowd of blokes wearing robes!

Honestly, mate, there was bodies flying everywhere!

I panicked and I ran.

What else could I do?

I mean, a man like me in prison?

Crown Prince of Holmbeach? I wouldn't last five minutes.

- You don't know what it's like! - I know exactly what it's like, Lee!

You didn't have to tell them it was me.

Snitches get stitches.

Not if you're snitching on yourself, Lee.

I don't know, do I? I don't make the rules.

I did feel bad when you went down though, like one G to another.

I'm not a gangsta.

You're more gangsta than I am.

Do you honestly think I'd try to ruin your life on purpose?

No way, man.

I love you.

That's my knee.

Sorry.

That's alright.

Is it?

Is it all right? I don't know, I...

Pre-workout. man. I took too much. I'm confused.

Listen, Lee...

I could hate you for a lot of things...

but I could never hate you for a thing like that.

Look, I've been thinking...

He wants to see me.

He wants to see me!

I'm coming, Dad! I'm coming! I...

Help yourself to an egg.

♪ The burn, it's the burn ♪

♪ The burn, it's the burn ♪

♪ The burn, it's the burn ♪

Come closer where I can see you, boy.

Bad as that, is it?

No, you look fine.

You never were a good liar.

Are you comfortable?

"Am I comfortable?" he asks.

I've got a tube stuck up me knob, piss in my veins,

and can't even wipe my own arsehole anymore.

Of course I'm not comfortable.

Right. Sorry.

What are you sorry for?

Wasn't you that did this to me.

It's that bastard God.

Yeah. Sorry.

Don't keep apologising!

What did I teach you?

Never apologise for nothing to no one, never.

Makes you look weak.

Sorry. I...

Oh!

For fuck's sake!

I've gone rotten on the inside.

It's all packing up.

Don't say that, Dad.

I'm dying, boy. You've got to accept that.

Things are going to change.

I'm gonna need you to step up for me now, boy.

No more of this namby-pamby shit, right?

I need to protect my empire, assure my legacy.

I'm ready, Dad.

Mel's got a baby on the way.

I'll look out for him. Teach him the ways.

I'm gonna need that name back.

What do you mean?

My name.

The one I gave to you.

I'm gonna need it for the sprog.

I... I...

I don't understand.

Well, it would be bloody stupid if there were two Lee Matthews Juniors

running around now, wouldn't it?

You want me to give back my name?

It weren't yours in the first place. It were mine. I lent it to you.

I can't just change my name.

You can and you will.

Mel's got the paperwork. You'll sign it and that's the end of the matter.

But...

what am I going to call myself?

"What am I going to call myself"?

Call yourself fucking Shirley for all I care! The name goes to the kid.

I'm your son!

You and mum gave me that name! That's all I've got left of her.

Your mother...

Your mother was a tramp.

God knows how many farm boys she were rutting with.

Word has it you've been up to the same.

Apple never falls far from the tree.

I only kept you 'cause I felt sorry for you.

That's why I gave you the caravan.

That were my mistake.

I hold my hands up to it.

I should have got rid of you there and then!

Why are you saying all of this?

Ain't you wondered where you ever got that dusky complexion from?

You've got Gypsy blood coursing through those veins, boy!

Gypsy blood!

Gypsy...

I thought everybody knew.

Kind of like an open secret.

I mean, you don't always see things the way the rest of us do.

That's what I love about you, Jayce.

You can give me the silent treatment all you want,

but you're gonna have to talk to me eventually.

What are you doing, you idiot? Why have you tied yourself up?

Look...

You're gonna have to take that tape off. I can't understand a word you're saying.

Like a Little Chef, do you?

Saw you and your little crew playing swapsies with the lanky bloke.

And I said to Sticks, I said, "I don't think that's fucking football stickers.

No, I do not think that at all."

Be aware that I have a mobile telephone

and I shall be calling the police!

Why has he stopped so far away?

So he can walk towards us.

I've had a telephone call from Korea,

telling me that you kids might need a bit of help.

- What for? - Dramatic effect.

It seems to me that you've... you've all been let down.

And I take some responsibility for that.

I think lately I've been inclined to dwell in the past.

I fell asleep at the wheel.

And as Dangerous Dave will tell you,

if you fall asleep at the wheel,

the next thing you know is you've palloxed across two lanes of the A47!

Where was I?

Uh...

I warned you, son. I've got a mobile telephone and I'm going to call...

Uh... Oh.

Yeah., reception's a shitter round here, old man.

We're getting a mast soon.

But not soon enough for you.

Did you have to put him in the boot?

I don't want to be a nuisance, lads, but I really need to pee!

Put the fucking stick down.

It's a gun.

Put the gun down.

I feel safer with it, if it's all the same to you.

Go easy on the clutch there, lads!

Fuck's sake!

You probably want to put it in first!

Why did we bring him?

Insurance.

We've stolen his car, why do we need insurance?

What you've done there is flooded the engine!

- I wanna go home. - No!

No going home.

We're in too deep.

We're outlaws.

Kidnappers.

We burnt down a bin. You get five to ten for that. That's arson!

- Are you crying? - No!

I've got smoke in my eye.

Sorry to press the point but I'm really not overstating

the urgency of my need to wee!

♪ Get ripped! ♪

♪ Get pumped! ♪

I'll be speaking to the vicar of St Dunstan's, Mr Jason Reed.

This weekend they will be holding their annual summer fete,

and this year their hoping to raise £1,000

to help restore their wall which was unfortunately destroyed

in an accident last Christmas Eve

when a drunk driver careered through into the graveyard

and destroyed several graves.

I should mention, of course, this is St Dunstan's in Holmbeach,

not to be confused with St Dunstan's in Attleborough.

They had a completely separate incident which wasn't related.

Okay, so next up on the line we have Jenny from King's Lynn.

Jenny, I understand you bought an air fryer...

Just get me out of here, for God's sake!

Uh... Help!

We'll do the old man first.

Rattle it, turn it quickly anti-clockwise.

There's a knack.

You know what they say, ‘"Never cross a man who owns a meat processing plant."

I'm not really into this, to be honest.

No?

Well, I'm not hitting an old bloke.

What difference does it make?

He looks like my grandad.

What, and you've never hit your grandad?

Fine. I'll do him.

Vinny?

Ah!

So you've heard the rumours?

They're saying Lee Matthews grows weaker by the day.

That's bullshit! You've seen what I can lift.

Not you, your dad.

If he even is your dad.

It's over, Lee.

No more errands.

No more bossing it.

No more naked work-outs.

We work for Mel now, yeah?

Who are you anyway?

Hiding behind your dad's name your whole life.

What are you without him?

You're nothing.

Makes sense why he stuck you down in that poxy caravan, don't it?

Gypo!

Oh...

What are you gonna do?

Try and sell me some lucky heather?

Tarmac my drive?

Dad! Dad!

Mmm.

Aaagh!

Get off! Get off!

Get off, man!

Fuck you!

What are you doing? Give me an hand!

My prescription transitions!

- Get off, man! - What?

Aaagh!

- Aaagh! - Cockfinger, motherfucker!

Huh!

What?

What?

Let us out!

I think they're saying the child locks are on?

Let us out!

I can't believe you didn't tell me!

- I came to rescue you, didn't I? - Yeah. Good job!

- What do you mean "good job"? - Ten months!

- I came, didn't I? - Ten months of my life, Paula,

and you didn't tell me anything!

How was I meant to tell you? You weren't even fucking here!

Don't come any closer!

All right?

I'm a fucking nutter!

Monk-level nutter!

Uh, no.

I'm not sure that's wise.

I know it's not wise but I'm warning you,

you don't want to see this!

Look, put down the can!

Bad fireman.

A little life lesson for you.

Next time a 67-year-old man tells you he needs to wee,

take him seriously.

You what?

Son, you've just covered yourself in piss.

Help me!

You know, Jason, if you want a good life,

a decent stab at life,

you've got to leave Holmbeach.

There's nothing for you here.

The rest of us, you know, we could be content with it,

but... but I don't think that you can, so...

- Kevin. - You've got...

Yeah?

I'm leaving.

Oh!

Oh, well...

In that case, I'm glad you've taken my advice.

Mmm.

Haven't you got a plane to catch?

Uh, me?

Granddaughter's birthday?

I don't think so.

You could still make it.

Nah, well...

My family are used to me letting them down.

Besides, you're my family now.

Eh?

- Bollocks we are! - Ugh!

Idiot!

Stupid old man!

Oh...

Oi, Lee!

- Don't call me that. - Oh.

The name Lee Matthews Junior means nothing no more.

What shall we call you?

I don't give a shit, mate.

How about... Clint?

Clint?

It's a good name.

Sounds like someone you wouldn't mess with.

Yeah. Sounds like a real tough guy.

Now, uh, Clint...

This man here needs to get to the airport.

He's got a birthday party to go to.

No-fucking-problemo.

Are you crying, Lee?

You know it's okay to cry. It releases dolphins.

Endorphins!

Dickhead.

Lee was a changed man.

No longer in his father's shadow, no longer skipping leg day.

The sparrow-legged twat was gone.

He was more than that now.

He was still in the chicken business, albeit in a more consumer-facing role.

Sticks and Vincenzo presided over the vast empire they'd won.

Which came with a caravan and all the eggs they could eat.

So that's nice.

That's it, Paula! It's not about the weight, it's about the form.

That's why I call it the Matthews'...

the Clint Concept.

If you wanna be the ultimate soldier.

Incoming!

- Annyeong, Hwan! - Okay, Killer!

- How is he? - Oh, you know.

- Building mass and talkin' ass! - Hey, Hwan, what's up, G?

Chillin' and killin', G. Chillin' and killin'.

And Paula?

Well, her online hit squad had increased by 50%,

and she was more than happy with that.

All we are is meat for the grinder.

Pawns in a game of cosmic chess.

Unexpected items in the bagging area.

There's no cheating for the little people.

It's a rigged system. Free will is an illusion.

Although, did you hear the one about the guy who got sent down

for a crime he didn't commit,

only to get out, clear his name and get a lovely new bike in the process?

Good story, that.

♪ Get ripped! ♪

♪ Get pumped! ♪

♪ Get ripped! ♪

♪ Get pumped! ♪