Original subtitles

-Hello. -Hello.

-Do you have...? -Your book, am I right?

An Autistic Guide to Britain.

By Austin Hogan.

Yes, we've got it in two spots,

Local Authors and So-Called Diverse.

How many do you want?

I'm pleased you stock it,

but I haven't come to buy that particular book.

Do you happen to have anything on the subject of love?

All right, who sent you?

-No-one. -Was it my mother?

I'm here of my own volition.

Then why are you asking me about love?

I'm seeking a guide to love and how to win the heart of another.

It's a path that I haven't really travelled well,

and I fear may have caused upset.

Are you OK?

No. [sniffs]

Not since 2017.

Melissa Blythe, roller derby captain

and destroyer of my heart.

I'm sensing a wound that's yet to heal.

Six months of bliss, and then not even an Auf Wiedersehen.

She just skated off into the distance

on her dusty, pink double-wheelers.

Turns out some people

are really funny about swastikas on crockery.

Tell me about it.

I vowed in that moment, never again.

-Fiction or non-fiction? -Non-fiction.

Well, it's all fiction, isn't it?

Cos love is a lie.

Follow me.

All right, we've got gardening produce,

gardening produce, feelings, feel-ups and fun times.

Guide to romance. How-to books.

Dating.

Oh.

Mastering The Romantic Comedy.

-Perfect. -Is it, though?

"All rom-coms begin with two lovable leads

"who meet under unusual,

humorous, or cute circumstances."

Hmm.

[Australian accent] Oh, no, Snowy,

you've got your claw stuck in that net.

-Let me help you. -OK, that's great.

And now I'm going to add the dramatic complication.

You want to rescue Snowy, but you also... need the toilet.

-Love it. -Yeah.

Oh, Snowy, let me help you.

-Oh, I need a wee! -That's it.

This is the essence of Big Bear, OK? I want you to bottle that.

We're going to go back to scene one,

from the very beginning,

and bring that wonderful Big Bear energy.

Great. That is so great.

I'm loving...

We'll just hold it there a tickety boo.

Ingrid, could I, um...?

Two minutes, guys.

This is my rehearsal room, and that's deeply disrespectful.

-I'm not feeling it at all. -Oh, are you made of stone?

-Crabs. -What?

And clams.

I mean, do we really want to tie ourselves to crustaceans?

Crabs are non-negotiable.

Is there a Logie in crustaceans?

I don't know what that is.

I don't think so. I am so bored.

Oh!

And if I'm bored, then the kids are gonna be...

eating through the furniture. Know what I'm saying?

Agatha, this isn't even a scene about a crab.

This is a scene about love. It's about how you can't always

put others' needs before your own

or you may have an accident.

I don't know what Big Bear wants.

What Big Bear wants, Agatha, is to go to the toilet.

I think it conforms beautifully

to Aristotelian three-act structure.

-Mm. -Wow, that is great.

That's so great and wonderful,

but this is really more of a top-tier chat,

so we'll just...

No, that is interesting, because Big Bear goes to the toilet

and he learns about the toilet, and about himself.

It's archetypal.

Yeah, Snowy the Crab is the Virgil

to Big Bear's Dante,

leading him through the hell of toilet training.

Onto the paradise of brand new,

big blue, big boy, Big Bear pants.

-See? -Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't see that.

I just saw a bear miming wetting his pants, so...

Yeah, I was miming holding it in.

There's a difference.

-It wasn't clear. -Yeah, well, look, we do...

The co-creators do not do excretion comedy.

I mean, at least, so far as I understand.

Yeah, OK, OK. I'm just gonna... I'm just...

Hey, I'm just spit-balling, spit-balling.

What if... there was a murder?

Sorry, did you say murder?

That way, we'd hook the audience in straight away,

and there'd be one less puppeteer to pay.

Sorry.

Agatha, you're not a story person, are you?

No, not a story person, but I do think that it raises the stakes.

Yeah, well, this Big Bear

believes in what we're doing, hm?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Big Bear, he's blue And he's brave...

-You know the song. -Are we really singing now?

Big Bear is gonna have a parade

Big Bear doesn't...

[Big Bear huffs]

Are you OK? Oh, my word.

-I suddenly feel very hot. -It's... It's...

It's your fur.

I know it's faux, but it feels so real.

Boss, could I take a short break?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, be free.

[whispers] Oh, God, Ingrid, control yourself.

It's a family show.

[sighs]

You've had your nose in that for an hour.

-What is it? -A guide to romantic comedies.

Haley and I have already done Chapter 1, The Meet Cute.

I need to get to Chapter 10, Happy Resolution,

while somehow missing out All Is Lost

and Long Dark Night Of The Soul.

I decided that those chapters are optional.

Mel, you should have had that book

when you were dating the Foreign Minister.

Yes, why'd you split up with the minister, Mum?

He's handsome, successful, and charming -

all the things people say they want.

Too good to be true.

No, the reason was...

..sometimes, things just aren't meant to be.

Very profound and also incredibly vague.

It's the best you'll get out of her.

Don't give up, Mum. There's hope for us all.

Maybe you're heroine type C,

"mature lady who finds love

"just after she gives up on the whole rotten business."

Austin's right. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Actually, it's estimated that over 90% of global marine stocks

are now fully exploited or overfished.

A more modern analogy would be something like,

"plenty more chickens at the mega-farm."

Marnus - lover of Haley and overrated franchises.

[both sigh]

-How's your love life? -Difficult. How about you?

Oh, pretty good, yeah.

I'm sleeping on a camp bed in my son's bedroom,

my wife's kicked me out of my Airbnb

and replaced me with a pile of paper,

and she seems to be falling in love with someone

and that someone just happens to be, um...

Yeah, no complaints.

Do you want some tips from this?

It has a lot to say about how humans create

and sustain romantic relationships.

Ay-ay-ay! Austin, you don't want a manual for your love life.

Just be yourself.

Is it really as easy as that?

Yeah, you know, you follow someone else's rules,

it's like wearing a mask, isn't it?

It's like trying to be someone or something that you...

Yeah, second thought, stick with the book.

What does it say you should do next?

It says that the male lead

often gets the female lead's number and gives her a call.

-Sounds about right. -Incorrect.

You can tell that this book wasn't written

by someone from my generation - we never make phone calls.

If I phoned Haley, she'd assume it was either a pocket dial

or news of a fatality.

So message her instead.

You know, impress her with your wit and wordsmithery.

And no sexting.

I'll do that,

without ever saying "wordsmithery",

and certainly no sexting.

She replied.

Told you.

Well, that's a bust.

Do not be disheartened, mon fils.

Want to know a secret?

I asked your mother out ten times before she said yes.

15!

And I only agreed then because I was both drunk and bored.

Mum, have you been listening to our conversation?

No, no, she hasn't, and nor have I.

Austin, if you do any sexting,

you're gonna be in so much trouble.

I'm a grown man, Mum! But there will be zero sexting.

I'm quite partial to a nude myself,

although you have to work up to it, is what I'm saying.

Start with a leg, and then...

All right, Dad. Dad!

[both sigh]

-May I? -Oh, yeah.

Tea, please, would be amazing.

Shall I give you a hand with that?

Sorry, could you? Yeah, thanks.

At least you tried, just like Big Bear would.

-OK. -That's for you.

Can I just say how much I respect the fact

that you stay in the Big Bear costume all the time,

even in the tea break?

Well, when I'm Big Bear, I like to stay Big Bear.

When I'm on set, I only eat berries and trail mix.

-There you go. -Thank you.

I don't want to weird you out, but I just...

I so value our connection.

It just feels so... special.

Do you believe in soul mates?

Wow. [chuckles]

That is a big swing from trail mix.

Yeah, I mean, I... I don't believe in...

Well, actually, I've always believed in soul mates.

I thought I'd married my soul mate, actually,

but it turned out I confused soul mate with egomaniac.

That's understandable.

Is this guy...? Is he bad-bad, or just a bit of a plonker?

Probably just a bit of a plonker.

-Mm. -Wouldn't want to hurt him.

Well, we bears value loyalty,

unless someone is a total dickhead.

But a plonker... well, sometimes,

a plonker deserves a second chance.

OK!

-Hi, Agatha. -Let's get back to it, shall we?

Spit-spot.

Haley, you're very quiet today. What's the matter?

I erm... I broke up with my boyfriend,

so I'm just trying to figure out

when to give him back his Star Trek memorabilia.

Oh, oh, exciting.

Well, you can't "Klingon" after the love is gone, can you?

[Ingrid and Bear chuckle]

Oh, yes. Ha.

Why did you split up with Marnus?

-Was he too much "Tribble"? -Oh.

[Ingrid and Bear chuckle]

Better to be a Sulu player.

[Ingrid laughs]

No? OK.

Oh, we've discussed this, Austin.

Men who read alone in cafes

do not look complex and alluring.

They look like members

of a cheap Notting Hill re-enactment society.

Hola, Greta. I've been expecting you.

What is it?

Mastering The Romantic Comedy?

-That's not in my plan. -Is that so?

Well, I don't follow your plans any more.

There's no easier way to say this Greta, but I'm leaving you.

What, do you mean me-me, or agency me?

There never really was a me-me. But I was your wife.

Were you? We were never married.

-Your work wife. -Is that even a thing?

Yeah, it's a thing. And it meant something to me.

Yeah, well, my quest for connection

has led me to the ultimate love paradigm, which is this.

As much as I appreciate the fact that you taught me

a lot about self confidence,

ultimately, you have been a negative,

chaotic influence on my life.

Yeah, fine. I don't need you.

Ha! I could make anyone here into a star.

Her. Him.

-Hm? -Maybe not him.

Yeah, I'll look out for your books

in the bargain bins, Austin.

And I want custody of the YouTube channel.

-And I'm taking this. -What?

[sighs]

[mutters] Two, three...

[clears throat]

-Ah. -Hi.

Foreign Minister Keeds requests two boxes of staples

and a ream of high gloss A4.

On it.

No need to wait. Tell him I'll bring him up myself.

Unless he wants to come down, like he usually does.

Oh, I think he'd rather keep things

clean and professional from now on.

He doesn't need to fetch his own stationery.

Of course.

You know, he's a reasonable and fair man.

Which is why he'll make a great leader. Yes!

-Yeah. -[they chuckle]

[ringing tone]

-[Heidi] Ingrid. -Hi.

-Hi. -I'm sorry I missed your call.

I thought I'd give you a call and see how it's going.

Oh, it's going quite well now.

But Heidi, can I ask you a bit of a sensitive question?

Yeah, of course. I'm a very sensitive woman.

Do you remember when we went out

for that rather drunken lunch in Soho,

and you told me you had, I can't remember what you called it,

but was it a furries phase?

Yes, I... I recall.

Just a glorious few months, really.

It's a whole sensory thing, that fuzz.

How do you know if it's kind of... your thing?

Did you ever fancy Simba from The Lion King?

The child lion?

No, late teens.

I mean, it's hard to tell,

but he was definitely legal in lion years.

I'm pretty sure about that.

But hey, Agatha tells me

that you have finally found a lead actor.

Yeah, we have, our new Big Bear is just extraordinary.

He has the most incredible touch.

He emanates a kind of feral energy and smells of the woods.

You fancy Big Bear, don't you?

No! Heidi! Don't be ludicrous.

That would be like fancying my own child,

which is not allowed, is it?

Because I created Big Bear...

with a small amount of input from Julian.

But visually, Big Bear is mine.

Well look, Ingrid, we both know it's only fur-deep,

so, you know, who's the actor underneath?

I mean, who is he, or she, or they?

It's later in life. You know, branch out.

It's a he.

And I don't know. He never takes the suit off.

Well, you're gonna need to find out

for the sake of your sanity,

and for the red-blooded woman underneath there.

10% blue blood, but, yeah, I am aware.

Be fulfilled, Ingrid, you know?

Julian has always held you back,

and I don't want to speak ill

of the professionally dead and all that,

but... are you not, erm...?

I mean, maybe you're not properly done with Julian.

I've got to go, actually, Heidi, because I'm a boss now,

and I've got lots of people

depending on my opinion about stuff.

Great.

[whispers] Who are you?

Dad?

Austin, what are you doing here?

Delivering these chilled drinks for Haley. She said it was hot.

And judging from your extremely moist appearance,

I can sense that there's some kind of issue with the AC unit.

Well, that is a very kind gesture, yeah.

But Haley doesn't want to meet with me,

so it is kind but futile.

I'm sorry, mate. Is this something from your book?

Has it gleaned any other pearls of wisdom?

There can't be a relationship without vulnerability,

and you need an eccentric best friend for comic relief.

Big Bear?

Erm... yeah, look,

I can't help you with the vulnerability,

but how's this for eccentric best friend work?

See the light through yonder production office breaks.

Thy true love "splitteth" up with Marnus,

and now is thy "chanth".

Uh-oh.

This means that my kind gesture will make her look like

I'm taking advantage.

She'll think I'm leaping on her unhappiness with these drinks.

No, no, no, no. Don't overthink this.

You know, just go and put them on her desk.

-Do you ever overthink things? -Sometimes.

And then sometimes,

I don't think things through quite enough.

Yeah, clearly.

[message alert]

So it did work!

[straining]

That's it, Snowy Crab!

Whether you've got paws or claws, keeping fit is fun!

[Bear grunting]

Ow! [English accent] Shit!

[Australian accent] Sorry, everyone.

Not a very Big Bear word.

I seem to have lost my head.

[chuckles] Do you want a hand?

[grunts]

I think it's the Velcro. I'll see if I can fix it.

Oh, it's just round there.

-I got this. -Oh, no, you...

-No, I'd... -I went to art school.

I'm very practical.

Are you OK?

I can't get this bloody thing on right.

Oh.

[he grunts]

[she grunts]

[both sigh]

I think that might need a stitch.

Do you want to take off the costume?

I can't. Not with you here.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yes, of course,

there's rules about this kind of thing for a reason.

Boundaries. Me Too was terribly one-sided.

-It's not that. -No, but I... I am...

I am much more powerful than you in this situation,

and I would not want to abuse that.

I should... I should really go somewhere else.

No, no, no.

As the exec in this situation, I will leave.

Really, it should be me who leaves.

No, no, don't be silly.

I'm leaving.

I've left.

Ugh!

Rargh!

Dad?

[gasps] Wha...?

What are you doing here?

You might as well leave that off, Dad.

OK. What will it take, hmm? Money? Our house?

-You know, name your price. -For what?

-To not tell Ingrid! -But you're deceiving her.

I am fully and constantly aware of that fact, Austin.

-So you must confess. -I can't!

-Why not? -Because it'll be the end of us.

She'll go ballistic!

Well, you can't be in that costume forever.

-You're not Big Bear. -Yes, I am.

Big Bear is my creation,

with a small amount of input from Ingrid.

Have you seen what's happening out there on that floor, Austin?

It is electric!

When I'm him, I'm more me than I am when I'm me!

That is very theatrical, Dad, even for you.

[Bear accent] Deal with it!

See, that is my problem with multiverse-based franchises,

because when somebody dies, it doesn't really matter.

Because they can just bring in

a spare one from another dimension.

Yes, exactly. I mean, don't even get me started on Spiderman.

-There's too many Spidermen. -And Batmen, or Batmans.

Hey, Android Voice,

create a reminder for a correct plural of Batman.

Done.

I suppose you're wondering

why I asked you to join me for a beverage?

Erm... I guess so we all can stay hydrated?

Not just that. I like you as a person, Haley.

-I like you as a person, Austin. -Thanks.

I was wondering if you'd like to embark

on a romantic journey with me,

given that you're now free

of the corrosive influence of Marnus.

That sounded bitter. Forget that I said that.

[chuckling] That's OK.

Erm...

I don't know, it feels kind of soon.

Erm...

I find you very attractive,

so I'd like to move the conversation forward

to establishing parameters.

OK. Erm... What do you mean?

You probably have life goals

beyond being a production assistant, right?

And it would be reassuring for me to know about them.

I'm a public figure who is hungry for success.

I'm very driven.

You deserve honesty,

so you may have to cope with me being away a lot.

Right. And you don't think that I'm driven?

Rom-coms are often based on unlikely matches,

like Lady And The Tramp.

Sorry, wrong way round.

Anyway, you can't really help who you fall in love with.

I think you can.

Have I made a faux pas?

I actually thought that you had changed, Austin.

I have!

I'm saying I still want you

despite all the inconvenient things.

Oh, those inconvenient things,

like my lowly career and my lack of life goals?

I really didn't mean to offend you, Haley.

Please, allow me to rephrase my offer.

I think you were pretty clear just then, Austin.

It's all about what you want and what you need.

It sounds like you're following

some kind of weird life-love plan.

So, when were you gonna ask me about me about me?

Or is that not in your book?

See you later, Austin.

Please, Haley, don't go!

It's the wrong moment.

We're on stage five, Kooky Dating!

Perhaps Odin was right.

Love is a lie.

[squelch]

Should've recycled that, or charity-shopped it.

No. I refuse to give up on love.

[heavy breathing]

It's heaven, spending time with you on this fake beach.

When I'm with you, it feels so very real.

It feels like we've known each other since forever, doesn't it?

You just feel so familiar to me.

The way you move.

The way you anticipate me.

You back me,

and... I trust you completely.

I mean, how many people have that in their lifetime?

That's rare. That is... That is special.

We're so in tune, I feel like you can read my mind.

I'm just reading the scripts.

A very bloody good script.

Tell me I'm not mad.

You aren't mad.

Oh.

-Can you feel that? -Not really.

-Can you feel that? -Yes.

-Can you feel that? -Oh, yes.

If you want me, bear, I am yours.

I refuse to feel guilty or ashamed anymore.

Love is love.

[both moan softly]

[moaning intensifies]

What the hell?!

Julian?

I can explain.

Actually, no, I really can't.

What did you think was going to happen?

Well, I mean, I thought

we could have worked around the bear suit.

You know, I mean, it would have been an erotic challenge,

but I was game.

[retches] I think I'm gonna be sick.

Look on the bright side.

This proves you're still in love with me.

Or does it prove that you are an egotistical pig,

determined to make yourself

the centre of every single situation?

Well, both can be true, dear.

Oh, God, I think I hate you!

Argh!

Help!

Help!

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