All language subtitles for Austin s02e06.eng

Austin's just cancelled
his own book signing.

What a bad boy.

But that doesn't mean
you shouldn't buy

a copy of his book.

You know, fair's fair.

Please,
stop taking pictures of me.

And please go away.

That's great, Austin.
Why don't you throw a chair?

[text pings]

Oh, breaking news, everyone.

Austin's just booked
a guest spot

on the Cobb Harper podcast
this week.

That's not the guy who thinks

that kangaroos
were built in a lab?

Yeah, and who says
autism's a choice.

I'll say this, though -

Cobb was one of the few people
that stood up for me

when I was cancelled.

-Oh, I like him now!
-Which, to be clear,

does not change the fact
he's a thoroughly bad man.

I just think
my little boy's gone.

Oh, he's not gone, Mel,

but someone does need
to do something about it.

And we both know
who that should be.

-Mel.
-Me.

Seriously? Mel brought him up.

If he's going to listen
to anyone's advice,

he's going to listen to hers.

No-one is denying
that Mel's put in a shift.

-[women gasp]
-Put in a shift?

-Austin's swagger is genetic.
-Like type 1 diabetes?

He'll respond best
to someone who understands it.

I faced the tiger, tamed it,
live with it every day.

[chuckles]

Hopefully, I can teach Austin
to do the same.

OK, now, just...
just run with me.

Imagine you and I are
co-piloting the Big Bear plane.

Oh, I love that.

And then all of a sudden,
bang, bang!

Engine catches fire.
Now, don't worry.

-We're in trouble, but...
-Yep?

I have two parachutes.

-Great. That's a relief.
-Yeah.

[laughs]

-And one of them is for me.
-Yes.

And one of them is
for the very first person I see

who I think is even remotely
capable of playing Big Bear.

-OK.
-Mm.

OK, so I am really enjoying
the story,

but I don't think I follow
what you're saying.

I mean, are you saying

you would let me die
to save the show?

-Is that...?
-Yeah.

And this is the week
that you definitely sign off

on a replacement actor
for Big Bear.

-OK, well, I got that message.
-Oh, good.

Dad, why do you and Ingrid

have a sheet down
the middle of your bed?

Don't you worry about that.
You just enjoy your brunch.

When you said come over for
brunch, I thought there'd be,

you know, brunch.

Cereal's brunch.

Anyway, I wanted to have
a bit of a chat, you know?

-Erm, sort of man to man.
-Sounds ominous.

I wanted
to tell you a story, OK?

About a young man on the brink
of literary fame.

-It's you, isn't it?
-It's not important.

What's important is
this young man had it all, OK?

Interviews with Paula Yates,

lunches
with Christopher Hitchens,

-parties with the Gallaghers.
-It's you.

-Yeah, OK, yeah. It is me.
-And there's the plot twist.

The point is I got carried away.

The ideas dried up. You know,
the pitches deteriorated.

I mean,
a hedgehog who solves murders.

A giraffe running a B&B.

The giraffe one has potential.

No hands, Austin.

A giraffe can't run
a guesthouse with no hands.

I mean,
I just crashed and burned.

If Ingrid
hadn't come along, well...

And what am I supposed
to take from this?

OK, listen.

Swagger opens doors, yeah, sure.

But you know
what keeps them open?

-Humility.
-That's a bit old school.

Greta says you have
to be annoying to get popular.

-It's called rizz.
-Well, Greta's not right.

And she's not right for you.
This isn't you, Austin.

Are you jealous because

I'm going
on Cobb Harper's podcast?

No, because I believe
that kangaroos evolve naturally.

Is our man-to-man chat over?

Because
I'd like to leave and order

the sort of brunch
I was hoping for.

Hash browns, toast, poached
eggs, grilled halloumi...

Well, now you're just
listing ingredients.

I know. I find it strangely
comforting. Mushrooms...

Heard you're gonna be
on the Cobb Harper podcast?

-Yeah, so I hear.
-[doorbell rings]

You should listen on Tuesdays,

when he has radical relationship
scientist Brock Steele.

Oh, yeah? Why should I listen
to a relationship scientist?

Because your marriage
is circling the plughole, mate,

and you've no idea
how to save it.

Austin told you about
the sheet divider, didn't he?

I mean, loads of healthy
marriages have those.

Yeah, in prison.

Oh, Mel, so sorry.

I couldn't get through to Austin
at all.

-Who are those from?
-Nobody.

-What was that about Austin?
-Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.

Thought you were gonna
connect with him,

swaggerer to swaggerer.

Yeah, well, according to Greta,
my swagger is passe.

Maybe
I should talk to him, then.

Austin's always gonna listen

to Greta more than he's
gonna listen to any of us.

The only person whose opinion
would outrank Greta's

is someone
from a vintage British TV show,

and they're pretty thin
on the ground around here.

Oh, my goodness.

You genius. Mwah!

Well, hello there, Mel.

Did you get a delivery

from the Department
of Floral Affairs?

As a government employee,

I cannot accept fringe benefits,
sorry.

But I cleared it with upstairs.

Is there something I can assist
you with stationery-wise?

Right, well,
I do need some paper

for a ministerial memo.

I was thinking high-gloss,
extra-refined?

Sorry, I'm out of refined.
All I've got is pre-pulped.

-Pre-pulped?
-Yeah.

Paper that's lived a life,
you know?

Full of imperfections,
complexities.

We're not talking about paper,
are we?

We're talking about Austin.

I need to make him my priority.

And I find that hard to do
with you

and your high-gloss perfection
around.

[he sniffs]

So, who exactly
are we meeting again?

Old friend
from my Comic Con days.

Morning, sir.

-Do you have your QR code?
-Yes, there you go.

Yeah, that's a screenshot
of a QR code from the internet.

That is an outrageous
accusation.

-Brother, look. Watermark.
-Oh, that's interesting.

Look, I don't usually pull
this card, but, erm...

I don't suppose
you know who I am?

Oh, yo!

You're the bro who was locked up
in the embassy for years, eh?

Bro, you look good, cuz. You got
your colour back and everything.

[Julian chuckles]

Yeah, nice.

Yeah,
I still can't let you in, bro.

Er, I don't suppose
you know who HE is?

My name is Austin Hogan,
and I...

Oh, wait.

You're going on Cobb Harper's
podcast today, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Oh,
you should have just said that.

I love that show, cuz.

Hey. Kangaroos...

..I've always known there's
something weird about them.

Head like a dog,
tail like a rat.

Lab job, hundred percent.

-Yeah.
-Hey, take it easy.

-Tell Cobbs I said hi.
-Thank you.

Now, erm, Dad,
who is it that we're...?

Oh, my God.

[Julian chuckles]

Austin, this is Janet Fielding,
who...

I know. She played Tegan Jovanka
on Doctor Who from 1981 to 1984.

Key storylines include

-The Caves Of Androzani.
-Pleased to meet you.

Hello, Julian.

You haven't changed a bit.

Although you do look richer
and more traumatised.

Well, you know, every day's
a gift-wrapped catastrophe.

Comic Con 2009,
he got trapped in a Dalek.

Well, I wasn't really trapped,
it was more sort of lodged

-for comedic purposes.
-Then it caught fire.

-[she laughs]
-[robot voice laughs]

That's my AI app.

It detects when I've said
something pithy or profound

and gives me instant validation.

No more waiting
for slow-witted humans.

Can I say I really loved you
in Tales Of The TARDIS?

[App] Don't interrupt Janet when

she is being pithy and profound

It's an AI, sorry.

Oh, OK.

Well, Janet, this is an honour,

although you're not my
favourite Doctor Who companion.

That'll always be Billie Piper.
But you are a strong second.

The position
I've always aspired to!

[chuckles]

So, your father tells me
you're in need of a lesson

on how to conduct yourself
as a person of note.

Actually, about that,

I've been getting
said lessons from my agent.

Yes, although said agent seems
to think it's appropriate

for Austin to behave like -
excuse my language...

[whispers] ..an arse.

Oh, it's easy to think you're
important when you're famous.

It's like being the tallest kid
in primary school -

meaningless, but still,
everyone looks up to you.

[App] Exquisitely observed,
Janet. You've done it again.

See? Janet's clearly
on Team Famous-But-Nice.

Don't put words in my mouth,
Julian.

Sorry?

Being a nice celebrity
is one path.

The more effective path is
to make trouble

and challenge the status quo.

What?

Relax. Celebrities aren't
priests. They're special.

The bad ones apologise.

The great ones keep making
headlines.

Thank you, Janet Fielding,
and your robotic voice.

Call her Tegan.
We know you want to.

Thank you, Tegan.

Listen, when all of this
goes pear-shaped,

just remember, I was firmly
in the "Don't be a knob" camp.

Right, I'll keep that in mind,
Dad.

[man] Cobb Harper tells
the truth - the real truth.

Twelve million listeners...

-Wow!
- ..six days a week.

Relax!

But be ready to duck
if he throws a curveball.

I don't know
if I should do this.

What if people think
I'm ashamed of my autism?

They won't.

Cobb says that autistic people
put on a funny voice

to skip the line at theme parks.

Focus less on what he says

and more
on his 12 million listeners.

Dad thinks
I'm risking cancellation.

Look, I took a risk repping you,
do you know that?

People said,
"Who is this hairy nobody?

"What bank branch
is he the junior manager of?"

But I didn't listen
because I saw potential.

And now you're about to blow
him off the podcast-o-sphere.

-Is that a thing you can do?
-Yes.

[mimics explosion] Like that.

But if we're gonna take this
to the next level,

your wardrobe needs to put in
the extra ten percent.

-You need a jacket.
-I already have a jacket.

No, you have coats.

That's what men wear
when they're cold

or disposing of bodies.

I'm talking about a look!
The final brush stroke.

The exclamation point.
Comme ca, right?

You have
a whole costume department

at your disposal, Austin.

-Be creative.
-Right.

So all I have to do is reframe
my identity, dodge career ruin,

and find an exclamation mark
to wear over my person?

Exactly. I don't know why you're
being so weird about it.

-Up.
-No, down.

Fine.

[Cobb]
Austin, what I like about you

is you say
the quiet part out loud.

There's no fluff.
There's no nonsense.

So, let's talk.

Autism - choice or lifestyle?

People are born with autism.
That's what the science says.

It's the same science that says
that red wine's bad for you,

then it's a superfood, then it's
bad for you again, you know?

But if it's not a choice,
riddle me this -

how come some people
stop acting autistic?

They don't.

Some autistic people
develop survival strategies

to navigate
a world not built for them.

Exactly. Survival strategies,

like a guy learning to cry
to dodge a parking fine.

That's not how I would put it.

Of course you wouldn't
cos you're too polite.

But what you're saying, let's be
honest, is autism is a mindset.

Well, maybe there's an element
of personal navigation, sure.

Mm. Boom. There. There.
There it is.

Finally,
someone has had the cojones

to stand up and sink the boot
into big autism.

I don't think "big autism"
is a thing.

It's a thing, mate,
and big autism

has been handing out diagnoses

more than Oprah hands out cars.

You're brave
because you're breaking ranks.

I wouldn't
say I'm breaking ranks.

It's more about
having the conversation.

I've enjoyed having
this conversation.

Buy the man's book, folks.
That's all there is to it.

An Autistic Guide To Britain.
You're one of the good ones.

Was that OK?

Mate, you just revolutionised
the discourse.

Thanks, Cobb.

[he roars frenetically]

Argh, I'm a bear!

I also got "Mother bear
who's lost her young".

-Oh...
-No, that's OK.

-I'm full.
-Yeah, that was great.

-Is that an actual fish?
-Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, do you want me to...?
-Yeah.

Sorry, yeah. Oh, Christ.
Thank you so much.

-No, thank you so much.
-It's been an honour to be here.

[he chuckles awkwardly]

-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.

Yeah, of course.
You won't regret it. Thank you.

-Not the vibe.
-I thought he was very real.

-Awful. Dreadful.
-Very likeable.

-Appalling. Terrifying.
-Sweet.

I am gonna throw myself
off a cliff.

He didn't even
make my bottom 20.

I think that's really harsh,
Ingrid, really har...

[whispers, indistinct]

There.

All right, well, er,

you'll have to handle
the next one on your own.

OK, change the rules.
There's no more props, OK?

-No fish, no honey, no logs.
-OK.

-And can you tell them that...
-Gotta go.

..pretending to hibernate
is not an excuse for bad acting.

Oh, God.

-Oh, Haley, hi!
-Hey!

Come here! Come here!

Oh, my God, have I told you
how beautiful your skin is?

Yeah, it's like you've been
spritzed by a fine mist

of youth and optimism.

-Oh, God, you're firing me.
-Not yet.

Hey,
did you tell Ingrid's stepson

that he could
borrow our costumes?

-No.
-No. No?

Well, that's really funny
because he came in, waltzed in,

and just grabbed
a Pilot Penguin's bomber jacket

and signed it out in your name,
see?

So now we have to use

Firefighter Fly's costume
for Pilot Penguin's camera test.

And you know what? That's gonna
make the network furious.

And guess who they're gonna be
most furious with?

-You?
-No.

-You.
-Oh.

Well, me. But you. Yeah.

OK, sorry, Agatha, I just...
I'm not...

I'm not too sure
how someone coming in

and forging my signature

and stealing a bunch of costumes
is my fault.

Well, he's your little mate,
isn't he?

No. No, see, he's...
he's not my little mate.

Marnus is my little mate.

-Oh.
-That sounded really weird.

Agatha, look,

if you're gonna fire me,

I'd prefer you just get it
over and done with.

Relax,
I'm not gonna fire you today.

Oh!

I'll do that on Thursday
when the execs are here.

That way, they can see
that I CAN make the tough calls.

And you get an extra
two days' pay, so win-win.

Here he comes. Places, everyone.

[door opens, shuts]

Ah, a family gathering.

Nice. Is this
a podcast listening party?

Austin, sweetheart,

we just thought we'd have
a general check-in.

That sounds
like a terrible thing

disguised as a good thing.

No, nothing terrible.

Just noticed a slight shift

in your interpersonal
presentation.

Right, so you think I've
disappeared up my own behind?

-I wouldn't put it that way.
-I would.

Firm but gentle, Dad.

Austin, Haley has been fired

because you came into our place
of work,

and you helped yourself
to a load of production costumes

without permission, and you
signed them out under her name.

-Oh.
-The network are furious.

And they're mainly furious
with me because we're family.

And so now, if I don't find
the perfect Big Bear

in the next 24 hours,
I'm gonna be fired too,

from my own show,

because of you.

Greta did warn me
that there'd be some casualties

on my road to success.

Well, I hope Greta's always
gonna be there for you, mate,

because carry on behaving
the way you are, we won't be.

I mean, you know,
if you break your leg,

we'll still drive you
to emergency, but, erm...

-There'll be less hanging out.
-No hanging out at all.

-Mum, you too?
-I love you, sweetheart, but...

lately,
you've turned into someone

that's not much fun
to be around.

Wow, OK.

Grandad,

did you enjoy hearing me
on your favourite podcast?

It didn't sound like you.

The Austin I know would have
struck a blow

for neurodiversity.

But this bloke
just ducked and weaved.

I'm sorry, love.

Don't be sorry, Mum.
You're right.

I think I've been led astray
and let you all down.

You certainly have.

Would you like some crackers
and dips and stuff

as you ruminate
over your mistakes?

Not right now, Grandad.

To restate, I'm actually
disappointed with Greta

and Janet Fielding,

who played Tegan
in Doctor Who from 1981 to 1984,

for filling my head
with such nonsense.

But most of all,

I'm disappointed in myself
for not standing by my ideals.

But now I intend to rectify
those mistakes post-haste.

High five!

-No?
-Quick question.

That WAS an intervention, right?

-Yes, it was.
-Cool.

Testing, testing.
Do you read me, Austin Hogan?

Loud and clear.
Nice hat, by the way.

Now, this is a precision
operation, OK?

My words, your delivery.
No ad libs.

And if Haley catches us?

I'll deny everything,
and you'll take the fall.

-Standard protocol.
-Why am I not surprised?

[whispers] I have eyes on Haley.

Great. OK.

Start casual.

-Easy breezy.
-Haley.

-What an unplanned coincidence.
-Oh. Hi, Austin.

Thank you so much
for getting me fired.

Now, if you could please stay
out of my line of sight.

Happy to oblige.

You're still
in my peripheral vision.

This is not going well.

OK, yeah, yeah,
stay calm, right.

Say, "Haley,
I'm sorry for my behaviour.

'I would like to make amends."

Haley,
I'm sorry for my behaviour,

and I would like
to make friends.

You wanna make friends?

I've tried to be your friend,
Austin.

I think
it's a little late for that.

Amends, Austin, amends.

OK, we don't need to be friends,
but I would like to make amends.

Yes. Say, "I was dishonest."

-[comms line breaks up]
-"I... cavalier."

Because I was dishonest
and like a cavalier.

And I know
that only an op...mist

would think
you'd accept my apology."

-I know only an optometrist...
-Optimist. Optimist.

-Optimist.
-[electronic feedback]

I'm sorry, Haley.

I was nervous about this,

so I asked my dad to feed me
lines through an earpiece,

similar to David Tennant
feeding lines to Catherine Tate

in Partners In Crime.

Yeah, it is similar, I guess,
except they were, you know,

saving the universe

and had a legitimate reason
to be doing that.

I thought I did too,
but I was wrong.

In any case, this is me now.

Austin...

..you've yelled at me,
you forged my signature,

and you cost me my job.

Do you know how hard
I've had to work to get here?

Yeah, I do, which is why I
provided a signed declaration

that you had nothing to do
with borrowing the costumes.

-You did?
-Yeah.

I may have lost you your job,
but I got it back for you.

OK, well,
thank you for doing that.

But you don't get points

for fixing a problem that
you caused in the first place.

That's fair. But in the words
of the Tenth Doctor, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You seem to be quoting
the Tennant Doctor a lot

for someone who specifically
said they weren't a Tennant fan.

He has his moments.

OK, fine. I accept your apology.

I've got to get back to work,
so...

Sure.

But I was wondering
if you would like to join me

for a post-apology beverage
after work, perhaps?

Oh. Erm...

-Well, I have to meet Marnus.
-Oh.

Yeah.

-See ya.
-See ya.

In the final reckoning,
when Cupid fits his last arrow,

a wee knot ashes, blown upon
the wind, ready to bloom... Oh!

[Austin sighs]

How did it go?

-Let's call it a nil-all draw.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Did she at least like my bit

about flowers
growing from ashes?

She might have, if she heard it.

Oh.

Sorry,
do you mind if I carry on?

I'd just like to get this
sort of symmetrical.

Yeah.

Hi!

All sorted
with Agatha and Haley,

so you can cross that
off your anxiety list.

-How's the... Christ alive!
-Shh, Julian.

Cutting a fringe.

Yeah, no, I like it.

Oh, you've never been totally
truthful, though, have you?

It's just so different,
isn't it? Erm...

Also, quite separately,

I wonder if
the pressure's getting to you

a tiny, tiny bit, or...

No, I'm absolutely fine.

I'm just taking a self-care
break from decision-making.

There's so many decisions
to make,

like how scary
can Tanya Tree be, exactly,

in the Spooky Forest episode

before she psychologically scars
the target audience?

-Very sharp...
-You know?

..those scissors, aren't they?
Very close to your eyes.

You should be
a tiny bit careful.

Shh.

Also, it is only a TV show.

Julian, it's kids' TV.

It is THE most impactful
of all the tellies.

I have to create
lasting experiences of wonder.

I have to foster
a sense of belonging

and a love of the environment,

and I have to teach
the little...

..babies maths, you know?

It's like trying
to build a utopia with wasps.

And I don't even have
a lead actor.

Yeah, I see you've annexed
my side of the bed again.

-Don't you dare touch those.
-OK.

I just need one of them
to come in,

nail it, and save my life.

Is that too much to ask?

-No.
-No, no.

No, I'll just go on the sofa.

No, you can't go on the sofa

cos I've got the set designs
on the sofa.

Well, I could always move out.

Yeah, I think...
I think that would be good.

I think I just need
a bit of space.

I just need it to be just me...

and my hair for a bit...

..if it's OK?

-Sure.
-Yeah.

-OK.
-OK.

Sorry, just...

..just to clarify, erm...

..this isn't it for us
or anything, is it, or...?

[whispers] I really don't know.

You know what?
I do genuinely like that fringe.

[actor] I'm a bear.

Argh! Arr. Like, very...

-Great energy.
-Oh!

-Great energy.
-Bravo.

-Thank you.
-Great.

Thank you so much.

-Thank you.
-Thank you ever so much.

-You'll be hearing.
-Yes.

[Agatha exhales]

-Agatha?
-Yes?

Can I very politely ask

why you invited that man
back for a recall?

Because
he wasn't right yesterday.

-Mm...
-He wasn't right

the day before yesterday.

And he still isn't right today,
that's the thing.

I think he's
Timothee Chalamet...

I don't think he's Chalamet.

I don't think he's remotely like
Timothee Chalamet.

I don't think he's even
a pound shop Timothee Chalamet.

And I don't think he's Big Bear.

Well...

Well, good luck telling that
to the network.

[Ingrid breathes heavily]

No bear, no show.

[sobs]

[man] Have you got time
for one more little audition?

-Who are you?
-I'm a late addition.

Er, yeah, sure.

Have you had the brief
explaining what the show is?

Yeah, kind of

Wiggles meets
Barney the Dinosaur.

Yeah, yeah, that's what she put
on the email, but it's...

But to me, Big Bear
is so much more than that.

No matter
how old and cynical we get,

Big Bear is the child
that lives in all of us.

Yes, yes!

And he's a friend to the kids
who don't feel they've got one,

and the parents watching, too,

because
God knows they need a hug.

Wow. [she laughs]

Well, shall we, er...
Do you want to read some script?

It would be my pleasure.

[chuckles]

I'll read Pilot Penguin.

Let's go!

Hey, Pilot Penguin, have you got
a problem, little fella?

Yes. If I can't fly my plane,
Big Bear,

I don't know who I am.

I know!

We'll fix it
and get it back in the sky.

You, me and all our friends,
we'll work together.

Yes, I think we might.

I think we might.

[she laughs]

[exhales heavily]

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