Original subtitles

Austin's just cancelled his own book signing.

What a bad boy.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't buy

a copy of his book.

You know, fair's fair.

Please, stop taking pictures of me.

And please go away.

That's great, Austin. Why don't you throw a chair?

[text pings]

Oh, breaking news, everyone.

Austin's just booked a guest spot

on the Cobb Harper podcast this week.

That's not the guy who thinks

that kangaroos were built in a lab?

Yeah, and who says autism's a choice.

I'll say this, though -

Cobb was one of the few people that stood up for me

when I was cancelled.

-Oh, I like him now! -Which, to be clear,

does not change the fact he's a thoroughly bad man.

I just think my little boy's gone.

Oh, he's not gone, Mel,

but someone does need to do something about it.

And we both know who that should be.

-Mel. -Me.

Seriously? Mel brought him up.

If he's going to listen to anyone's advice,

he's going to listen to hers.

No-one is denying that Mel's put in a shift.

-[women gasp] -Put in a shift?

-Austin's swagger is genetic. -Like type 1 diabetes?

He'll respond best to someone who understands it.

I faced the tiger, tamed it, live with it every day.

[chuckles]

Hopefully, I can teach Austin to do the same.

OK, now, just... just run with me.

Imagine you and I are co-piloting the Big Bear plane.

Oh, I love that.

And then all of a sudden, bang, bang!

Engine catches fire. Now, don't worry.

-We're in trouble, but... -Yep?

I have two parachutes.

-Great. That's a relief. -Yeah.

[laughs]

-And one of them is for me. -Yes.

And one of them is for the very first person I see

who I think is even remotely capable of playing Big Bear.

-OK. -Mm.

OK, so I am really enjoying the story,

but I don't think I follow what you're saying.

I mean, are you saying

you would let me die to save the show?

-Is that...? -Yeah.

And this is the week that you definitely sign off

on a replacement actor for Big Bear.

-OK, well, I got that message. -Oh, good.

Dad, why do you and Ingrid

have a sheet down the middle of your bed?

Don't you worry about that. You just enjoy your brunch.

When you said come over for brunch, I thought there'd be,

you know, brunch.

Cereal's brunch.

Anyway, I wanted to have a bit of a chat, you know?

-Erm, sort of man to man. -Sounds ominous.

I wanted to tell you a story, OK?

About a young man on the brink of literary fame.

-It's you, isn't it? -It's not important.

What's important is this young man had it all, OK?

Interviews with Paula Yates,

lunches with Christopher Hitchens,

-parties with the Gallaghers. -It's you.

-Yeah, OK, yeah. It is me. -And there's the plot twist.

The point is I got carried away.

The ideas dried up. You know, the pitches deteriorated.

I mean, a hedgehog who solves murders.

A giraffe running a B&B.

The giraffe one has potential.

No hands, Austin.

A giraffe can't run a guesthouse with no hands.

I mean, I just crashed and burned.

If Ingrid hadn't come along, well...

And what am I supposed to take from this?

OK, listen.

Swagger opens doors, yeah, sure.

But you know what keeps them open?

-Humility. -That's a bit old school.

Greta says you have to be annoying to get popular.

-It's called rizz. -Well, Greta's not right.

And she's not right for you. This isn't you, Austin.

Are you jealous because

I'm going on Cobb Harper's podcast?

No, because I believe that kangaroos evolve naturally.

Is our man-to-man chat over?

Because I'd like to leave and order

the sort of brunch I was hoping for.

Hash browns, toast, poached eggs, grilled halloumi...

Well, now you're just listing ingredients.

I know. I find it strangely comforting. Mushrooms...

Heard you're gonna be on the Cobb Harper podcast?

-Yeah, so I hear. -[doorbell rings]

You should listen on Tuesdays,

when he has radical relationship scientist Brock Steele.

Oh, yeah? Why should I listen to a relationship scientist?

Because your marriage is circling the plughole, mate,

and you've no idea how to save it.

Austin told you about the sheet divider, didn't he?

I mean, loads of healthy marriages have those.

Yeah, in prison.

Oh, Mel, so sorry.

I couldn't get through to Austin at all.

-Who are those from? -Nobody.

-What was that about Austin? -Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.

Thought you were gonna connect with him,

swaggerer to swaggerer.

Yeah, well, according to Greta, my swagger is passe.

Maybe I should talk to him, then.

Austin's always gonna listen

to Greta more than he's gonna listen to any of us.

The only person whose opinion would outrank Greta's

is someone from a vintage British TV show,

and they're pretty thin on the ground around here.

Oh, my goodness.

You genius. Mwah!

Well, hello there, Mel.

Did you get a delivery

from the Department of Floral Affairs?

As a government employee,

I cannot accept fringe benefits, sorry.

But I cleared it with upstairs.

Is there something I can assist you with stationery-wise?

Right, well, I do need some paper

for a ministerial memo.

I was thinking high-gloss, extra-refined?

Sorry, I'm out of refined. All I've got is pre-pulped.

-Pre-pulped? -Yeah.

Paper that's lived a life, you know?

Full of imperfections, complexities.

We're not talking about paper, are we?

We're talking about Austin.

I need to make him my priority.

And I find that hard to do with you

and your high-gloss perfection around.

[he sniffs]

So, who exactly are we meeting again?

Old friend from my Comic Con days.

Morning, sir.

-Do you have your QR code? -Yes, there you go.

Yeah, that's a screenshot of a QR code from the internet.

That is an outrageous accusation.

-Brother, look. Watermark. -Oh, that's interesting.

Look, I don't usually pull this card, but, erm...

I don't suppose you know who I am?

Oh, yo!

You're the bro who was locked up in the embassy for years, eh?

Bro, you look good, cuz. You got your colour back and everything.

[Julian chuckles]

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, I still can't let you in, bro.

Er, I don't suppose you know who HE is?

My name is Austin Hogan, and I...

Oh, wait.

You're going on Cobb Harper's podcast today, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Oh, you should have just said that.

I love that show, cuz.

Hey. Kangaroos...

..I've always known there's something weird about them.

Head like a dog, tail like a rat.

Lab job, hundred percent.

-Yeah. -Hey, take it easy.

-Tell Cobbs I said hi. -Thank you.

Now, erm, Dad, who is it that we're...?

Oh, my God.

[Julian chuckles]

Austin, this is Janet Fielding, who...

I know. She played Tegan Jovanka on Doctor Who from 1981 to 1984.

Key storylines include

-The Caves Of Androzani. -Pleased to meet you.

Hello, Julian.

You haven't changed a bit.

Although you do look richer and more traumatised.

Well, you know, every day's a gift-wrapped catastrophe.

Comic Con 2009, he got trapped in a Dalek.

Well, I wasn't really trapped, it was more sort of lodged

-for comedic purposes. -Then it caught fire.

-[she laughs] -[robot voice laughs]

That's my AI app.

It detects when I've said something pithy or profound

and gives me instant validation.

No more waiting for slow-witted humans.

Can I say I really loved you in Tales Of The TARDIS?

[App] Don't interrupt Janet when

she is being pithy and profound

It's an AI, sorry.

Oh, OK.

Well, Janet, this is an honour,

although you're not my favourite Doctor Who companion.

That'll always be Billie Piper. But you are a strong second.

The position I've always aspired to!

[chuckles]

So, your father tells me you're in need of a lesson

on how to conduct yourself as a person of note.

Actually, about that,

I've been getting said lessons from my agent.

Yes, although said agent seems to think it's appropriate

for Austin to behave like - excuse my language...

[whispers] ..an arse.

Oh, it's easy to think you're important when you're famous.

It's like being the tallest kid in primary school -

meaningless, but still, everyone looks up to you.

[App] Exquisitely observed, Janet. You've done it again.

See? Janet's clearly on Team Famous-But-Nice.

Don't put words in my mouth, Julian.

Sorry?

Being a nice celebrity is one path.

The more effective path is to make trouble

and challenge the status quo.

What?

Relax. Celebrities aren't priests. They're special.

The bad ones apologise.

The great ones keep making headlines.

Thank you, Janet Fielding, and your robotic voice.

Call her Tegan. We know you want to.

Thank you, Tegan.

Listen, when all of this goes pear-shaped,

just remember, I was firmly in the "Don't be a knob" camp.

Right, I'll keep that in mind, Dad.

[man] Cobb Harper tells the truth - the real truth.

Twelve million listeners...

-Wow! - ..six days a week.

Relax!

But be ready to duck if he throws a curveball.

I don't know if I should do this.

What if people think I'm ashamed of my autism?

They won't.

Cobb says that autistic people put on a funny voice

to skip the line at theme parks.

Focus less on what he says

and more on his 12 million listeners.

Dad thinks I'm risking cancellation.

Look, I took a risk repping you, do you know that?

People said, "Who is this hairy nobody?

"What bank branch is he the junior manager of?"

But I didn't listen because I saw potential.

And now you're about to blow him off the podcast-o-sphere.

-Is that a thing you can do? -Yes.

[mimics explosion] Like that.

But if we're gonna take this to the next level,

your wardrobe needs to put in the extra ten percent.

-You need a jacket. -I already have a jacket.

No, you have coats.

That's what men wear when they're cold

or disposing of bodies.

I'm talking about a look! The final brush stroke.

The exclamation point. Comme ca, right?

You have a whole costume department

at your disposal, Austin.

-Be creative. -Right.

So all I have to do is reframe my identity, dodge career ruin,

and find an exclamation mark to wear over my person?

Exactly. I don't know why you're being so weird about it.

-Up. -No, down.

Fine.

[Cobb] Austin, what I like about you

is you say the quiet part out loud.

There's no fluff. There's no nonsense.

So, let's talk.

Autism - choice or lifestyle?

People are born with autism. That's what the science says.

It's the same science that says that red wine's bad for you,

then it's a superfood, then it's bad for you again, you know?

But if it's not a choice, riddle me this -

how come some people stop acting autistic?

They don't.

Some autistic people develop survival strategies

to navigate a world not built for them.

Exactly. Survival strategies,

like a guy learning to cry to dodge a parking fine.

That's not how I would put it.

Of course you wouldn't cos you're too polite.

But what you're saying, let's be honest, is autism is a mindset.

Well, maybe there's an element of personal navigation, sure.

Mm. Boom. There. There. There it is.

Finally, someone has had the cojones

to stand up and sink the boot into big autism.

I don't think "big autism" is a thing.

It's a thing, mate, and big autism

has been handing out diagnoses

more than Oprah hands out cars.

You're brave because you're breaking ranks.

I wouldn't say I'm breaking ranks.

It's more about having the conversation.

I've enjoyed having this conversation.

Buy the man's book, folks. That's all there is to it.

An Autistic Guide To Britain. You're one of the good ones.

Was that OK?

Mate, you just revolutionised the discourse.

Thanks, Cobb.

[he roars frenetically]

Argh, I'm a bear!

I also got "Mother bear who's lost her young".

-Oh... -No, that's OK.

-I'm full. -Yeah, that was great.

-Is that an actual fish? -Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, do you want me to...? -Yeah.

Sorry, yeah. Oh, Christ. Thank you so much.

-No, thank you so much. -It's been an honour to be here.

[he chuckles awkwardly]

-Thank you. -Thank you so much.

Yeah, of course. You won't regret it. Thank you.

-Not the vibe. -I thought he was very real.

-Awful. Dreadful. -Very likeable.

-Appalling. Terrifying. -Sweet.

I am gonna throw myself off a cliff.

He didn't even make my bottom 20.

I think that's really harsh, Ingrid, really har...

[whispers, indistinct]

There.

All right, well, er,

you'll have to handle the next one on your own.

OK, change the rules. There's no more props, OK?

-No fish, no honey, no logs. -OK.

-And can you tell them that... -Gotta go.

..pretending to hibernate is not an excuse for bad acting.

Oh, God.

-Oh, Haley, hi! -Hey!

Come here! Come here!

Oh, my God, have I told you how beautiful your skin is?

Yeah, it's like you've been spritzed by a fine mist

of youth and optimism.

-Oh, God, you're firing me. -Not yet.

Hey, did you tell Ingrid's stepson

that he could borrow our costumes?

-No. -No. No?

Well, that's really funny because he came in, waltzed in,

and just grabbed a Pilot Penguin's bomber jacket

and signed it out in your name, see?

So now we have to use

Firefighter Fly's costume for Pilot Penguin's camera test.

And you know what? That's gonna make the network furious.

And guess who they're gonna be most furious with?

-You? -No.

-You. -Oh.

Well, me. But you. Yeah.

OK, sorry, Agatha, I just... I'm not...

I'm not too sure how someone coming in

and forging my signature

and stealing a bunch of costumes is my fault.

Well, he's your little mate, isn't he?

No. No, see, he's... he's not my little mate.

Marnus is my little mate.

-Oh. -That sounded really weird.

Agatha, look,

if you're gonna fire me,

I'd prefer you just get it over and done with.

Relax, I'm not gonna fire you today.

Oh!

I'll do that on Thursday when the execs are here.

That way, they can see that I CAN make the tough calls.

And you get an extra two days' pay, so win-win.

Here he comes. Places, everyone.

[door opens, shuts]

Ah, a family gathering.

Nice. Is this a podcast listening party?

Austin, sweetheart,

we just thought we'd have a general check-in.

That sounds like a terrible thing

disguised as a good thing.

No, nothing terrible.

Just noticed a slight shift

in your interpersonal presentation.

Right, so you think I've disappeared up my own behind?

-I wouldn't put it that way. -I would.

Firm but gentle, Dad.

Austin, Haley has been fired

because you came into our place of work,

and you helped yourself to a load of production costumes

without permission, and you signed them out under her name.

-Oh. -The network are furious.

And they're mainly furious with me because we're family.

And so now, if I don't find the perfect Big Bear

in the next 24 hours, I'm gonna be fired too,

from my own show,

because of you.

Greta did warn me that there'd be some casualties

on my road to success.

Well, I hope Greta's always gonna be there for you, mate,

because carry on behaving the way you are, we won't be.

I mean, you know, if you break your leg,

we'll still drive you to emergency, but, erm...

-There'll be less hanging out. -No hanging out at all.

-Mum, you too? -I love you, sweetheart, but...

lately, you've turned into someone

that's not much fun to be around.

Wow, OK.

Grandad,

did you enjoy hearing me on your favourite podcast?

It didn't sound like you.

The Austin I know would have struck a blow

for neurodiversity.

But this bloke just ducked and weaved.

I'm sorry, love.

Don't be sorry, Mum. You're right.

I think I've been led astray and let you all down.

You certainly have.

Would you like some crackers and dips and stuff

as you ruminate over your mistakes?

Not right now, Grandad.

To restate, I'm actually disappointed with Greta

and Janet Fielding,

who played Tegan in Doctor Who from 1981 to 1984,

for filling my head with such nonsense.

But most of all,

I'm disappointed in myself for not standing by my ideals.

But now I intend to rectify those mistakes post-haste.

High five!

-No? -Quick question.

That WAS an intervention, right?

-Yes, it was. -Cool.

Testing, testing. Do you read me, Austin Hogan?

Loud and clear. Nice hat, by the way.

Now, this is a precision operation, OK?

My words, your delivery. No ad libs.

And if Haley catches us?

I'll deny everything, and you'll take the fall.

-Standard protocol. -Why am I not surprised?

[whispers] I have eyes on Haley.

Great. OK.

Start casual.

-Easy breezy. -Haley.

-What an unplanned coincidence. -Oh. Hi, Austin.

Thank you so much for getting me fired.

Now, if you could please stay out of my line of sight.

Happy to oblige.

You're still in my peripheral vision.

This is not going well.

OK, yeah, yeah, stay calm, right.

Say, "Haley, I'm sorry for my behaviour.

'I would like to make amends."

Haley, I'm sorry for my behaviour,

and I would like to make friends.

You wanna make friends?

I've tried to be your friend, Austin.

I think it's a little late for that.

Amends, Austin, amends.

OK, we don't need to be friends, but I would like to make amends.

Yes. Say, "I was dishonest."

-[comms line breaks up] -"I... cavalier."

Because I was dishonest and like a cavalier.

And I know that only an op...mist

would think you'd accept my apology."

-I know only an optometrist... -Optimist. Optimist.

-Optimist. -[electronic feedback]

I'm sorry, Haley.

I was nervous about this,

so I asked my dad to feed me lines through an earpiece,

similar to David Tennant feeding lines to Catherine Tate

in Partners In Crime.

Yeah, it is similar, I guess, except they were, you know,

saving the universe

and had a legitimate reason to be doing that.

I thought I did too, but I was wrong.

In any case, this is me now.

Austin...

..you've yelled at me, you forged my signature,

and you cost me my job.

Do you know how hard I've had to work to get here?

Yeah, I do, which is why I provided a signed declaration

that you had nothing to do with borrowing the costumes.

-You did? -Yeah.

I may have lost you your job, but I got it back for you.

OK, well, thank you for doing that.

But you don't get points

for fixing a problem that you caused in the first place.

That's fair. But in the words of the Tenth Doctor, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You seem to be quoting the Tennant Doctor a lot

for someone who specifically said they weren't a Tennant fan.

He has his moments.

OK, fine. I accept your apology.

I've got to get back to work, so...

Sure.

But I was wondering if you would like to join me

for a post-apology beverage after work, perhaps?

Oh. Erm...

-Well, I have to meet Marnus. -Oh.

Yeah.

-See ya. -See ya.

In the final reckoning, when Cupid fits his last arrow,

a wee knot ashes, blown upon the wind, ready to bloom... Oh!

[Austin sighs]

How did it go?

-Let's call it a nil-all draw. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Did she at least like my bit

about flowers growing from ashes?

She might have, if she heard it.

Oh.

Sorry, do you mind if I carry on?

I'd just like to get this sort of symmetrical.

Yeah.

Hi!

All sorted with Agatha and Haley,

so you can cross that off your anxiety list.

-How's the... Christ alive! -Shh, Julian.

Cutting a fringe.

Yeah, no, I like it.

Oh, you've never been totally truthful, though, have you?

It's just so different, isn't it? Erm...

Also, quite separately,

I wonder if the pressure's getting to you

a tiny, tiny bit, or...

No, I'm absolutely fine.

I'm just taking a self-care break from decision-making.

There's so many decisions to make,

like how scary can Tanya Tree be, exactly,

in the Spooky Forest episode

before she psychologically scars the target audience?

-Very sharp... -You know?

..those scissors, aren't they? Very close to your eyes.

You should be a tiny bit careful.

Shh.

Also, it is only a TV show.

Julian, it's kids' TV.

It is THE most impactful of all the tellies.

I have to create lasting experiences of wonder.

I have to foster a sense of belonging

and a love of the environment,

and I have to teach the little...

..babies maths, you know?

It's like trying to build a utopia with wasps.

And I don't even have a lead actor.

Yeah, I see you've annexed my side of the bed again.

-Don't you dare touch those. -OK.

I just need one of them to come in,

nail it, and save my life.

Is that too much to ask?

-No. -No, no.

No, I'll just go on the sofa.

No, you can't go on the sofa

cos I've got the set designs on the sofa.

Well, I could always move out.

Yeah, I think... I think that would be good.

I think I just need a bit of space.

I just need it to be just me...

and my hair for a bit...

..if it's OK?

-Sure. -Yeah.

-OK. -OK.

Sorry, just...

..just to clarify, erm...

..this isn't it for us or anything, is it, or...?

[whispers] I really don't know.

You know what? I do genuinely like that fringe.

[actor] I'm a bear.

Argh! Arr. Like, very...

-Great energy. -Oh!

-Great energy. -Bravo.

-Thank you. -Great.

Thank you so much.

-Thank you. -Thank you ever so much.

-You'll be hearing. -Yes.

[Agatha exhales]

-Agatha? -Yes?

Can I very politely ask

why you invited that man back for a recall?

Because he wasn't right yesterday.

-Mm... -He wasn't right

the day before yesterday.

And he still isn't right today, that's the thing.

I think he's Timothee Chalamet...

I don't think he's Chalamet.

I don't think he's remotely like Timothee Chalamet.

I don't think he's even a pound shop Timothee Chalamet.

And I don't think he's Big Bear.

Well...

Well, good luck telling that to the network.

[Ingrid breathes heavily]

No bear, no show.

[sobs]

[man] Have you got time for one more little audition?

-Who are you? -I'm a late addition.

Er, yeah, sure.

Have you had the brief explaining what the show is?

Yeah, kind of

Wiggles meets Barney the Dinosaur.

Yeah, yeah, that's what she put on the email, but it's...

But to me, Big Bear is so much more than that.

No matter how old and cynical we get,

Big Bear is the child that lives in all of us.

Yes, yes!

And he's a friend to the kids who don't feel they've got one,

and the parents watching, too,

because God knows they need a hug.

Wow. [she laughs]

Well, shall we, er... Do you want to read some script?

It would be my pleasure.

[chuckles]

I'll read Pilot Penguin.

Let's go!

Hey, Pilot Penguin, have you got a problem, little fella?

Yes. If I can't fly my plane, Big Bear,

I don't know who I am.

I know!

We'll fix it and get it back in the sky.

You, me and all our friends, we'll work together.

Yes, I think we might.

I think we might.

[she laughs]

[exhales heavily]

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