Original subtitles

-Here he is. -[woman] Whoo!

Austin. Austin!

Put your hands together for Mr Austin Hogan.

[cheering and applause]

[Austin clears throat] Hello, Canberra.

Thank you for coming to this press conference for my book.

First question.

Yes, you with the hand.

Austin, what's the favourite place

you've visited in Britain?

That's a stupid question, and I won't answer it.

But if I were to answer it, I would say Stonehenge

for its excellent visitor centre and cafe.

[whispering] Austin.

No, don't do that. Don't do that.

But I'm not going to because it's dumb. Next.

What the Jazzy Jeffs has got into Austin?

I've no idea.

-You gonna have a word? -I don't know, Dad.

I've been thinking, I mean, we went all the way to Britain

to spy on Austin, and I was mortified when he rumbled us.

Yeah, that was a bit weird, in retrospect.

Yeah, maybe I should stop interfering, you know,

for Austin's sake.

-You'll never keep that up. -Watch me.

And if I did know, I'm disinclined to tell you.

-End of answer. -Yeah, OK, wow.

And that's all we've got time for.

But Austin hasn't actually answered any questions.

Well, you'll just have to write about that, then.

And what a bad boy Austin is.

Look at him.

Yeah, the James Dean of travel writing.

[mic screeches]

Sorry. That's... No, that's actually broken.

Yeah, so just exit quickly, please,

they need the space for Tumble Tots.

No more questions. Come on, let's go.

Please respect his privacy.

Yeah, well, I am far too busy to worry about this,

and I am super aware it's not my job,

but what is going on with Austin?

Oh, I like it. He's got swagger, attitude.

Reminds me of Kurt Cobain

and a certain young man knocking around London in the '90s.

Cos you are exactly like Kurt Cobain.

Maybe a little bit.

Did I ever tell you the most '90s thing

that happened to me?

You might have mentioned it.

I was walking through Soho, been up all night.

-Bit wasted, to be honest. -"Bit wasted, to be honest."

And walking the other way...

-it was Noel Gallagher. -Noel Gallagher.

So when you think about it, it's just like the Oasis album cover.

And he gave me this cheeky little wink,

like, "You're in the club."

-Yeah. -What a guy.

Yeah, I love that story. I never tire of it!

All the plot twists and turns,

and then one man winks at another man.

-Mel, you're being really quiet. -Yeah, just work stuff.

I gotta go, you guys. I'll see you later.

You know, I just think Austin's fallen under the spell

of that fleabag, Greta.

I don't like her. I've said it.

Ah, well, that fleabag Greta

has just invited us to cocktails later

to discuss the "big picture".

But I guess you won't be interested.

Cocktails?

What kind of cocktails? Premix at her house, or...?

It's Greta, isn't it?

-So I imagine proper. -Yeah.

Well, I suppose I'd better come, hadn't I, just for Austin?

-For Austin. Yeah, yeah. -What?

-There you go. -Not gonna be Driving Miss Dozy?

No, I'm going to a cafe, do some writing.

Really?

I mean, what are you gonna be writing?

Your retired detective turned fossil collector

isn't making a reappearance, is he?

-Jurassic Mark? -Yeah.

Wants to avoid the past but keeps digging it up?

Ah, no. I might get back to that. Here.

I can drive. I can drive.

Hello there, Mel.

I just wandered down cos I'm fresh out of staples.

Really? I gave you a box of 5,000 last Wednesday.

Well, there's so many things to fasten

when you're a minister.

I suppose I could, er... spare you a few.

Oh, a colleague of mine might pop over to your place later.

What about?

Just to ask a few questions, you know, about you

and your life generally.

Are they vetting me?

I wouldn't put it like that, Mel,

but yes, yes, they are.

To see if I'm a suitable partner for a minister?

It's a bit early for that, isn't it?

Yeah, I know. I know.

But I have to think ahead.

I mean, just say there was a foreign trip to Paris planned,

you're my plus one,

you know, we'd have to go through the official... What?

-Are you taking me to Paris? -That's a for instance.

I kind of wish I'd picked a different, erm...

When do we go?

There's nothing in the calendar as yet, Mel.

I'll need new shoes.

Ah, thank you for the staples, Ms Hogan.

Of course.

Greta, I'm concerned.

They're saying very rude things about the press conference.

Yes, that's exactly what we want.

Are you sure it isn't exactly what we don't want?

It's got people talking. You have to stand out, Austin.

We're positioning you as the wild child of neurodiversity.

-You break all the rules. -But I really love rules.

Can't I just break the occasional rule

and give everyone prior notice?

No, all the rules. You are a rock star.

I hope I don't have to throw the TV out the window.

I was gonna watch it

because they dropped a surprise episode of Bluey.

You do whatever you want now. That's the point.

Anything I want, you say?

You bet.

Though check in with me first

to see if it's something I think you actually do want to do.

-Understood. -Good man.

Oh, that's awful. That is awful.

Hi, Ingrid.

-Hi. -Hello.

-I've got your new scripts here. -Oh, amazing. Thank you.

Erm, and I'm about to go do a coffee run.

A-ha.

Would you like a turmeric latte?

I do love turmeric lattes,

but I sometimes have a herbal tea

because if I drink too much caffeine,

I lose all my self-esteem,

-so... -Great. OK, one latte coming up.

-Oh! Hi, Haley. -Agatha, I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, that's like... you, walk. -Sorry.

-Ingrid. Hi. -Agatha.

Look, I just had to pop by and say...

Yeah?

-Love the rewrites. -Amazing.

That new writer is an absolute revelation.

Ah.

Well done, you, for finding her.

-Well done, me? -Yes.

Great.

And can I just check,

which of the new writers are we referring to?

Savannah Robbins.

-Savannah Robbins. -The only new writer.

Yeah, I'm telling you right now,

I don't want to work with anyone else.

-Uh-huh. -Other writers are dead to me.

-Are they? -Mm.

Oh... Oh.

Yes.

This is what gets us a major star.

You know, I mean, when Big Bear turns to Squirrel and...

[tearful] ..and says, "No pair, no bear."

It's such powerful message.

Yeah, it's a message I'm definitely getting.

Mm. I wept.

Yeah, I think I might cry as well.

Yeah, you know the best bit?

-She's LGBT+. -Is she?

-Yes! Under 25. -You're shitting me?

-Oh, I'm not shitting you. -Sorry.

She rescues bees in her spare time.

Because... bears...

-Bears love honey. Yes. -..love honey.

How dare she be so perfect for our show?

I know, right? And you found her.

-I found her. -Yeah.

That makes you, my friend, a genius.

Yes, it does.

-And I found you. -Ah.

So that makes me a genius.

-Yeah. -You see how that works?

-Yes, so clearly. -Yeah.

[Agatha chuckles]

Haley!

-Wow. You look amazing. -Thank you.

I tend to set the glamour bar quite low normally,

so I can hop over it when required.

Negroni, please.

Yeah, look at us. We scrub up pretty well, don't we?

Bet everyone thinks we're a couple. Are we, though?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we should go non-exclusive,

start seeing other people.

What, so I could chat up any woman in this room,

and you'd be cool?

Well, what about her?

She's completely out of your league.

-Yeah, fair enough. Er... -Oh.

There is someone on the Big Bear team you might like.

-Right. -Yeah.

One of the writers.

Her name is Savannah Robbins.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, hang on, you can't meet her because you are her.

Sorry, I don't quite follow this...

Oh, Julian, don't even try.

Oh, God, yes, OK, fine. Fine.

Yes, she's me, I am her. We are each other.

Yes, I've been writing scripts for Big Bear.

What were you thinking?

How dare you pretend to be a woman!

And Le-Ge-Buh-Tuh-Qua?

And with a skin condition, which is why she couldn't come in.

-And rescuing bees. -Character colour.

What happens if they find out?

You're gonna take me down with you.

This is gonna make cancellation

seem like two weeks in the Seychelles.

We're gonna be deplatformed into the shadow realm, Julian.

We'll have to move to the Pacific Pole of inaccessibility,

live off drowned things.

Look, I didn't have any choice, did I? Take a look at me, yeah?

They wouldn't have read my scripts otherwise.

We wouldn't have read them,

not because you're a middle-class white man,

but because you are you!

And the worst thing is...

I really like them.

So now, once again,

you have put me in an impossible situation.

Well, I'm sorry for making our show better.

No, MY show. My show to make better or worse.

Why do you have to keep on barging in?

What is wrong with you?

Why can't you just do things men your age are supposed to do?

Like what?

A podcast about the Roman Empire.

I've got a few ideas in that direction.

Well, please, go and do them.

Oh! Here we go.

Wow, Greta, you look stunning.

I refer you to my previous comment about leagues. Austin.

-Hey. -Hello.

-And, er, Greta? No, yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Shall we? -Yeah.

-OK. Two? Nice to see you, too. -Great shirt.

Thanks, Greta picked it for me.

I'll like it once I've gotten used to it.

Let's get a drink.

Isn't your mother coming?

She'd love to, but she has to talk to a complete stranger

about her sexual history.

Perhaps we could start with some of your past boyfriends,

erm, dalliances.

Haven't really had time for dalliances.

More's the pity.

How about that 29-night stand in Cairns?

Hm, that was a relationship.

How would you categorise your involvement

in this social media group, Aussie '80s Music Nuts?

That's just people who know more than one Men At Work song.

Would you call it an extremist organisation?

No, there's room for INXS fans too.

Moving on.

Your son, Austin, did a press conference earlier today.

His behaviour was... erratic.

Wait a minute, I thought this interview was about me.

Austin reflects on you, and you reflect on the Minister.

Do you think you can control him?

Why should I have to? He's his own person.

Good evening, ladies.

I've prepared some light bites and libations for you.

-Attempted corruption. -Not now, Dad.

Oh, fine. I'll take the tray back to the kitchen.

Not so fast. William Hogan...

..can you confirm that you rented two films

while on holiday in Fiji ten years ago?

Busty Bridesmaids 3,

followed a day later by Busty Bridesmaids 2.

Well, there's some plot points in 3

I didn't quite follow, so...

-..I wanted to clear it all up. -Oh.

Well, all right, girls, I'll let you get on with it.

-Mojito for my star client. -Thank you.

Cheers, guys.

So, did you like the press conference?

It went exactly as I hoped.

So you wanted people to be annoyed?

Yeah, look, neurodiversity can be so worthy.

Austin needs edge. Don't you?

But aren't you just alienating the people you need the most?

The legacy media? Oh, Ingrid, bless you.

No, we don't need them, and we can engage directly with fans.

There's a book festival in Canberra on Friday.

-We want to do a signing. -Good idea.

Yeah, but have you got a slot?

These things get booked up six months in advance.

Greta has a plan for that.

You're going to get him into the festival.

Austin, I can't get you into a book festival

with 36 hours' notice.

I could help.

Surely, it's been long enough since my cancellation...

No? No, OK, I won't, then.

You have a lot of goodwill

in the publishing world from Big Bear.

That's leverage. Use it.

I can't bully people.

What, you don't want to help, then?

-You don't see him as important? -Of course I do.

Because he's not a blood relative,

you don't see him as family?

-No, I'd do anything for Austin. -So you'll handle it, then?

Oh, and can you pick up the books for the signing?

Sorry, can I just ask you a question?

-It's really been bugging me. -Go ahead.

Why are your arms different colours?

Greta wanted me to adopt an outdoor look,

so I'm testing different shades of spray tan.

This one is Wet Sand, and this one is Whisper of Teak.

-Any preferences? -I love Wet Sand.

Can I vote for Austin as he was before?

Apparently, that's not an option.

I think you're a bit uncomfortable

about Austin changing.

That's a bit of a safe suburban attitude.

I am not safe, and I am not suburban.

My tastes are very international.

We went to see Macbeth in Japanese.

-A year ago. -But we went.

Left early.

Because it was very long and bad.

But I... Listen, I went to art school, yeah?

Yeah.

I once made a throne out of hair. I'm pretty wild.

Are you?

-Austin? -Yeah, er...

hope you don't mind us asking, erm,

because we couldn't quite work it out.

Yeah. Are you and Greta an item now,

romantically speaking?

What you need to know is Greta doesn't like labels

and nor do I now.

-Grandad? -What is it?

Just for future reference, I don't like labels.

Right you are, Austin. Ah, balls!

I've dropped my phone in the toilet.

Modern phones can withstand a short submersion.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah, it's... still working.

No, you need to give it a really good wipe.

-Yeah, good, good idea. -Is your mother in?

-Mel? -[Mel] Hi.

Hi.

-Hey. -Yeah.

Did you have a fun evening, Austin?

Yes, I did, Mother.

Did they authorise you for intercourse

and travel with the Foreign Minister?

They'll tell me tomorrow.

If you wish to have sex with more ministers,

will they vet you again, or is it one vetting covers all?

Er, I don't know, and how about we never talk about that again?

Do we have a full roll of garbage bags?

Yes. Why?

Greta says I should freshen up my wardrobe,

so I need to get rid of all the clothes that I love.

You don't need to completely transform.

David Bowie did it several times,

and you old people love him.

Indeed. I was perhaps his biggest fan.

You had one cassette - Let's Dance.

Yeah, well, and the Labyrinth DVD.

[as Jareth] So, the Labyrinth is a piece of cake, is it?

"Ground control to major wrong."

Sorry, Mel. Yeah, we wanted to talk about Austin.

Yeah. Yeah, he's really come out of his shell, hasn't he?

Yeah, I mean, he's certainly turned into a bit of a,

you know...

-Mature young man? -Bellend.

Mel, is Austin or is Austin not behaving

like a bit of a prat now?

Like I keep saying,

I'm not gonna micro-manage Austin any more.

If he wants to be a bell...

make his own choices, that's good with me.

I'm happy to let Austin be Austin.

Yeah, maybe that's what makes me a good parent.

Oh, God.

Austin is too trusting.

That makes him vulnerable, and Greta is a malign influence.

Mm, I think we know

why you've got a problem with Greta, don't we?

-It's what I was saying earlier. -No.

-No, no, no. -Yeah, yeah.

You don't like other women, does she, Mel?

And it's not a big deal, it's just your personality.

Don't gaslight me, Savannah.

It's not all women, it's just Greta.

Mel and I have enormous affection for each other.

You can just feel the warmth between us,

so there you go, disproved.

Actually, er, when we first met, I kind of thought you hated me.

But I like you now! And you like me, too!

Just go with it, Mel, whatever you think, cos she won't stop.

Red card. Fan of red cards.

-Thanks. -Right, OK.

Bad boy. Attitude.

Three, two, one, and... action.

This is my brunch.

It's all fried.

I know what you're thinking.

Where are the green leafy vegetables?

Well, there aren't any.

And if the haters want to complain about it,

they can suck on my breaded mozzarella sticks.

Yes! Eat it!

-[phone beeps] -That is so rock and roll.

Are you sure not eating vegetables is rebellious?

And to be honest, this plate could do with some salad.

No, it's gonna be great.

This should get the right readers along to your signing.

Aren't the right kind of readers anyone who buys the book?

No. You'll learn, Austin. You're gonna take me a long way.

You mean you're gonna take me a long way?

Yes! Yeah, yeah, no, that's exactly what I mean.

-Oh, my God! -Ah! Ah!

-Oh, my God, Ingrid! -Ah!

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

-It's all good. It's all good. -Can I get you something?

Actually, could you go to the book warehouse

and get ten boxes of Austin's books

and deliver them to the Canberra Book Festival

no later than 3:30?

Yeah, I'll ping you the deets after I've...

Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of,

like, a turmeric latte.

[squeaky] I don't want a turmeric latte every time!

[normal] Sometimes, I just genuinely

really just want a herbal tea. OK?

I'm so sorry, Ingrid.

-Oh, no, I'm sorry. -I'm gonna get you a herbal tea.

-No, I'm sorry. -It's so unprofessional.

I'm so sorry. Do you know, I feel like a turmeric latte.

I've just realised.

The ones you make are so good.

They're fabulous, so if you could...

But would you do the books for me as well?

-Would that be OK? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yep.

-Great. -Sorry.

Amazing.

No, don't... don't apologise. You're perfect.

-Hi! -Hi.

-Agatha, right. -Ingrid.

I've been thinking.

-Ooh. -Yeah.

And the thought that I've been having,

sort of recurrently, is...

let's not use any scripts by Savannah Robbins.

-Right. -Yeah?

Except, oh, minor detail.

The scripts are brilliant, and you put her forward.

But did I, though?

-Yeah. -Did I? Because...

Actually, I don't want to go there.

I am the creative lead, and you have to trust me

that Savannah Robbins is not the right fit for this show.

So we're gonna take all her scripts,

we're gonna put them in a bin and set fire to them,

and toast marshmallows over the top while you ring her,

and you tell her that her services

are no longer required, OK?

I loved this chat, it was so great.

Thank you for your time.

Not exactly.

Wait, so you're disagreeing with me while nodding?

That's so weird.

What is that? Is that a conflict resolution thing they teach you?

No.

-Ingrid? -What?

-Can you sit down? -I don't want to.

Come on. Sit down.

-I don't, I really... -Shh, shh, shh! Sit down.

-Now... -Yeah.

..I think I know what might be happening here.

It's because Savannah's a woman, isn't it?

No!

No, no, no! I love women.

I'll tell you a secret, I...

I genuinely wish I were a lesbian.

And yet here you are, turning on a woman.

No, no, that's how the patriarchy wins.

I'm not turning on a woman.

No, it's just I don't think

we should use this person's scripts.

I'm future-proofing the show. I am being discerning.

OK, well, I would just love to sit here

explaining feminism to you.

However, we sent the scripts off to the network yesterday,

and they just came back with...

-.."Love, love, love them." -Three "loves".

Are you looking at me with...?

I'm...

-I'm not either. -Oh.

Good afternoon, Ms Hogan.

Do you have any paper stock

suitable for printing up clearance

for travelling with a minister?

What's wrong? Did she bite?

[she sighs]

Look, she was doing her job.

She knew more about my past than I wanted to remember.

A bit of scrutiny comes with the job.

Yeah, your job, not mine.

I mean, I don't have a perfect past.

-I'm messy. -But I... I like messy.

It's not just me. They're gonna rake through Austin's life too.

Mel, you said it yourself,

Austin needs to make his own mistakes.

That's just it. He won't be able to.

He'll have to have a perfect life,

and that's not fair on him.

Look, I'm gonna take the afternoon off.

I know I said that I was gonna let Austin do his own thing,

but sometimes, a mum just has to get involved.

Well, you really care about him.

That's one of the reasons I like you so much.

I'm sorry.

And I really do have a trip to Paris coming up.

Haley, you need to understand I'm not exploiting you.

-This is career development. -No worries.

And also, it's just really nice, isn't it?

Spend women time together out of the office.

-OK. -Yeah.

On that, have you read

The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood?

No.

It's amazing. It's my favourite book.

-Oh, God. Julian! -[Julian] Yeah?

You gonna help carrying your son's

really rather heavy books?

Yeah, sorry, I wanted to offer, it's just, er...

worried it would be sexist to ask.

You know, the male assuming the female's weaker.

So you're doing that, are you? I want you to help.

-I consent to you helping. -OK.

You happy?

Such a minefield.

So, is this a dream come true? Am I a miracle worker?

Am I Moses?

Austin's not happy.

-That's right, I'm not happy. -Who is? Modern life, eh?

Apparently, Austin's in a pokey corridor, way out back.

Oh, no, that's just the space for emerging writers.

Greta says I've already emerged.

No, but I had to name a character in Big Bear TV

after the organiser's dog to get that space,

and let me tell you, Snowy is not a good name for a crab.

Yeah, well, it's not good enough.

Isn't Austin meant to be a rebel?

Aren't rebels supposed to be on the outer?

-Greta, this is... -I don't care.

Look, there is on the outer, and then there is way out back.

Actually, do you know what?

Setting up here is where a true rebel would sign books.

Austin... come here.

Yeah, I've decided to go ahead with the signing.

Yes, I've decided to go ahead with the signing.

What a roller-coaster.

"Dear Esmeralda, I hope you enjoy the book."

Austin, you're being a bit soft.

"And if you don't enjoy it,

"I couldn't give a snake's boobies."

Oh.

Austin, that was, erm, that was a little rude.

Feedback was not requested.

Hayden, go get Austin something to drink.

-OK, what about a coconut water? -Fine.

Fine.

What a character.

You can't be proud of him behaving like this.

Just like me in the '90s.

A philanderer with terrible taste in shirts?

-Philanderer? -Yes, you were.

It was an overlap.

-You were unfaithful. -Grey area.

You... That's absolutely clear.

And I had some great vintage shirts.

Yeah, they were from the Oxfam, and they smelt of dead men.

-Eric. -Eurgh.

Why have you come?

I'm asking myself the same question.

I don't even like books.

We don't need them now any more,

now that we've all got phones, right?

But yeah, yeah, my mum's not allowed a phone in prison,

and they found the one I tried to smuggle in up my...

you-know-what, finders keepers.

So this'll have to do.

"Dear Patricia, I hope the next..."

How much longer does she have to serve?

Just the 15 years, mate.

"..15 years go by quickly for you."

Can't even play games on it. What a waste of time.

But thanks, buddy.

What a sad little man.

Why was my former nemesis allowed in?

I agree, Austin. It's unacceptable.

Everyone except me is letting you down.

Do something. You're a bad boy, remember?

These people are the wrong kind of readers.

This signing is over.

All right, but maybe

after you've finished signing the books

-people have paid for. -No, it's over now.

-Austin. Austin, love. -Not now, Mum.

Can't you see I'm busy cancelling a book signing?

OK, so, they did not have coconut water,

so I got you an apple juice instead.

-But I asked for coconut water. -No, you didn't.

I think I suggested it, remember?

I don't want an apple juice.

You might as well have brought me poison.

What is the matter with everyone?

You know what, Austin?

You're as bad as Sylvester McCoy

on the set of Return Of The Cybermen.

And that's bad.

[Julian] I mean, fine.

You know, from time to time,

he's gonna put a few noses out of joint.

You know, that's gonna happen when he's finding his voice.

He's, er... Well he's a, you know...

Say it, Julian.

He's turned into a bit of a dickhead, hasn't he?

-Too right, he has. -What happened to Switzerland?

Switzerland just tooled up.

[he sighs] I was never like that, was I?

I mean, you know, I was roguish, yes.

I was always charming and likeable.

Well, regardless, you know, the point is,

if we think that Austin's turned into a bit of a knobber...

What are we going to do about it?

[he sighs]

What is even the matter with you?

Keep it going.

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