Original subtitles

-Er, so, have you got ideas? -I don't need ideas.

I'm the showrunner. I'm the director of creativity.

They need to bring their ideas to me, honey.

Deepest, deepest respect, but you're in Australia now.

This is their turf. You've got to bring something to the table,

or, you know, they'll look down on you.

You know what Australians are like.

What, tall?

-Yeah, and sneaky. -I like Australians.

I think they're nice.

I think they're a magical porridge pot of positivity.

Somebody called me a legend

just for holding the door open the other day.

Well, that's a trap, isn't it?

They butter you up with "legend" and "mate"

while secretly judging you for not being able to surf.

Anyway, I've got some jumping off points for you...

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

Julian, we have had this conversation.

I don't need them. You're my plus one.

Why don't you just, you know, chillax? Explore Canberra.

Go and see the museum. Or the other museum.

-Enjoy the sight. -In time, yeah? Check this out.

Big Bear goes into the jungle, finds a stash of honey,

takes it home, but there's a twist.

The honey... belongs to Rabbit.

Oh, so Big Bear's a thief now?

Not exactly. Big Bear challenges Rabbit to prove it's his honey.

They have a struggle and, erm,

yeah, you know, they end up deciding to split it.

You know, so it sort of teaches the kids about sharing.

Except it's not Big Bear's or Rabbit's honey, is it?

It's the bee's. So it's not a story about sharing.

It's a story that introduces the under-fives to colonialism.

Er, well, I've got other ideas. Erm, Big Bear Breaks A Chair.

Is that because he's big?

Because that is sizeist and not allowed.

[Greta] Come on, Austin. Focus.

Before we continue, Greta, I'd like to check one thing.

There's no romantic future for us, is there?

Oh, this jet lag is brutal.

I think our future is friends and work colleagues.

-Right. -Yep.

Which means I can now answer these questions

without distraction.

That doesn't mean I don't think you're special.

I followed you to Australia because you're my star client.

And not just because you want free Tim Tams at the launch.

No, you can get them in Britain now. So, favourite singer?

Frank Sinatra.

Austin, if you're under 40 and you want to sell books,

it's better to say Taylor Swift.

But she's not my favourite singer.

She is now.

I don't know anything about her.

All you need to say is she's the ultimate storyteller.

But Doctor Who is the ultimate storyteller.

He travels through space and time.

Can Taylor Swift travel through time and space?

Austin, no Time Lords, no blue police boxes.

Just say Tay Tay is untouchable

and watch your books fly off the shelves.

Favourite TV show?

That's an easy one - The Goodies.

No. You love Euphoria.

Isn't that just beautiful people crying in slow motion?

Exactly! Be the guy who's deeply moved

by beautiful people crying in slow motion.

But I'm deeply moved by three misfits on a "trandom" bike

and a giant kid knocking over the post office tower.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but the aim is to make you sound like you're under 70.

It's sad what's happened to entertainment.

Or Halloween special.

Big Bear spends the entire episode

terrified of his own shadow,

only to discover that it's actually part of him.

So, Big Bear's having an existential crisis?

-Thank you. -Yeah, exactly.

Do you think that you're maybe projecting your problems

onto Big Bear?

Yes, I do, because that's what I always do.

Yeah, and your writing is brilliant, my love,

but you do have to remember two things.

Firstly, that 36 territories don't want your ideas right now.

And secondly, I am in charge. I'm in charge.

Would you please drive me to the office?

Because the big Australian trucks are very scary.

Yes, Madam.

Can you take my stuff?

Cos it's not heavy, it's just really awkward.

Erm, can I ask you a question?

Is it odd that, as a married couple,

we have a barrier down the middle of our bed?

Well, obviously, anybody looking at it would think it was weird.

Deeply, deeply weird.

But I sense that we are,

neither of us, quite ready to take it down,

and I need to meet Rodger Corser soon.

Rodger Corser?

Hi, just wondering what the situation is

with the plus ones for the book launch.

How many would you like, Ms Hogan?

Just one.

Mum, am I getting a new dad?

Austin... would you at least consider going with my choices?

If you'd consider watching Fawlty Towers.

It'll change your life for the better.

OK, I'll add it to my media digest.

And I'll learn your cool kid cheat sheet off by heart.

Deal.

Right. Practise until you believe it.

We'll meet at the venue at four

and shadowbox through the rundown.

-How's the speech? -Rather mediocre.

-I need Dad's help with zingers. -Good luck with that.

OK, everyone, favourite Rodger Corser shows.

I'm going first. Rush. Prime-time crime. Wonderful.

Just sort of washes over you, you know, like whale music.

I just can't choose. He's so great in everything.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. "Arrest me, Senior Sergeant."

"Examine me, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor."

Don't fancy him.

-Who is Rodger Chaucer? -Are you kidding me? Corser!

-Australian national hero. -You know, you know the one.

He's-He's that... He's sort of generic attractive.

Think Sam Neill,

circa Jurassic Park, only emotionally available.

Now, can we focus on my speech? I need a funny opener.

Good idea. Everyone think of something funny.

Oh, look, there. There, there, there.

No idea who that is.

Oh, look at that!

Er, shouldn't that be "co-creator"?

They probably ran out of room on the sign.

-Hi! -Hi, Ingrid.

-Welcome. -Thank you.

I've got your double shot extra foam latte

with just a hint of turmeric.

-Oh, my God. How did you know? -I researched you.

-Oh, wow! -I'm Haley. I'm your assistant.

Oh, Haley, I'm so looking forward

to being assisted.

Julian, can you get my stuff out of the boot?

Yeah, I've never had an assistant before,

so apologies in advance if I'm kind of Lady Hitler.

Oh!

How does it, how does it, how does it work?

Well, just think of me as like a human Siri,

if Siri could sense when you need chocolate.

Or vodka. Hope Siri... Whoops!

Hope Siri can sense when I need vodka.

You want vodka now?

What? No, no, it's ten in the morning.

-No, that's... that was a joke. -Oh, yeah.

That's just my husband, just dropping me off.

And that's Austin, my husband's son.

Hi.

He's just dropping me off as well.

Sign in at the front there. Yeah.

I assume your favourite Doctor was David Tennant?

You assume right. I assume yours was Matt Smith.

-I would say he is. -Mm.

But there's no doubt

the best and greatest Doctor Who companion is...

[both] Billie Piper.

I say that all the time.

Finally, a David Tennant fan with great taste.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yeah, I just remembered. I don't like Doctor Who.

Oh...

If Paul Mescal played Doctor Who, I'd be into it.

But he isn't, so I'm not.

-Sorry, who? -Paul Mescal.

He was in Normal People and Gladiator II.

Right. You want to sign in?

I'm more into kind of vintage entertainment.

Is, er, Rodger in yet?

Um, Ingrid, your office is straight through there.

[whispers] Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah. That... That is your ergonomic chair

which arrived from Finland last night.

Wow! It's like sitting in a marshmallow,

but a marshmallow that really cares about your lumbar.

Great. OK, I'm gonna leave you to get settled in,

and I am going to go and do a pastry run.

Do you need assistance with the "pains or chocolate"?

Um, yeah, that'd be great.

It's called pain au chocolat.

Don't embarrass me in front of Haley, Dad.

I don't know why you care,

seeing as you have such wildly different cultural tastes.

God, so is all this yours? Oh, very good.

-Ingrid? -Agatha!

Julian! Oh, wow! So nice of you to drop by briefly.

Ah, this is Rodger, our magnificent Big Bear.

-Yay! -Hello.

-Hi! -Wow.

Oh, what can I say?

Rodger, oh, is... our Daniel Craig.

Oh!

If you were to mix in the smarts of... Eddie Redmayne.

Yes.

I'm probably more Daniel Craig with the smarts of Damian Lewis

and the heart of Andrew Garfield.

But I'm not here to argue.

Well, you know, it's just

such an honour to meet you in the flesh.

Beyond exciting.

Fun fact, your books probably got me

through the second divorce.

Big Bear put such a smile on my face,

I even let the ex take the yacht.

Huge compliment.

-Is that good? -Think so.

Ingrid... the latest sketches for Big Bear,

they're literally mind-blowing. Mm.

Beatrix Potter would be so proud.

I'm terrified of Beatrix Potter, but I'm still truly touched.

So here's a quick idea.

So, I was in the Red Lion the other day

whipping down to Bunnings.

-Commodore. -Car.

Fun fact, my Red Lion, once owned by Brocky.

-He'd be James Hunt. -Oh, wow!

Still got the original V8 under the hood.

Oh, it's a sweet, sweet ride.

A V8, er, it's like an eight-cylinder engine.

You know, so, most cars have four cylinders, so...

this is eight, which is, like, twice as many cylinders.

So I'm in the car park,

and I catch myself in the rear vision mirror.

I say to myself, "Dodge, why are we covering up this mug?"

-You following? -Actually, I really don't.

What I'm pitching is Big Bear, as you brilliantly created,

but instead of that whole headpiece thing,

it'd be my face coming through.

A little bit like Dame Judy in Cats.

-A lot to love in that film. -Yeah.

So, erm, a bear,

but also somehow not a bear?

Kids will love it, and there's something for the mums as well.

Yeah, I mean, I am loving that you're creatively engaged,

but the thing about Big Bear

is that he really does have to be a bear.

And so, I mean, if we can see your face,

then it just looks like... he's eaten you

and you're trying to crawl out.

Of course, I'm going to draw

on the little black nose and the whiskers.

People are gonna totally buy me as the bear.

Do you think?

Or do you think we're going to have to do

a safety announcement?

"If swallowed by a bear, you cannot escape through its face."

Well, I think that if kids believe in talking trains,

they can believe in a bear with a face.

[awkward laughter]

But it's... it's your show.

Yeah.

You know, as one of the co-creators,

and I think we should possibly look at the title

on that parking spot,

I think seeing your face is a really interesting idea.

It's amazing that you're still here.

Not interfering, just offering.

Anyway, I'll leave it with you.

Such a pleasure to meet both of you, especially this guy.

-Hey? -Ah!

Love some of his ideas. Really great.

Hey, come check out the V8 when you've got a mo, yeah?

-Try and stop me. -He's got a lot of mos!

Love you.

Wow! I feel like I've been rubbed all over

in testosterone gel.

What are you still doing in my office?

I'm leaving, OK?

But do not forget to mention my story ideas.

I am going to forget to mention your story ideas

because I can't even remember what they are now.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Husbands are so tricky.

-Yeah. -Mine's dead.

Oh, lucky you. I mean, sorry.

Oh, I can tell I'm gonna love working with you.

I'm gonna love working with you.

To take your question seriously for a moment,

I mean, where do ideas come from, you know?

I mean, with Big Bear,

part of me thinks, yeah, I'd like to claim it.

And part of me says...

-That I did it. -Ooh.

-I'm Ingrid. I'm the creator. -Co-creator.

Could I have the tiniest of words with you?

Yes. Yes, of course. Yeah. Keep up the good work, guys.

Thank you so much for that.

-I mean, brilliant work. -What?

Rodger! Scattering half-arsed opinions all over the place.

I didn't scatter anything. I lobbed a whole-arsed opinion,

which you're welcome to take or leave.

Now you've given me a star who thinks he can redesign the show.

And even if you were involved,

which, polite reminder, you are not,

the visual side of Big Bear is and always has been my thing.

I am the illustrator.

I don't go around rewriting your precious "zlaps" and "kapows"...

OK, OK.

-..and "blips" and "blops". -Ingrid!

Big Bear has to look like a bear.

He cannot look like a detective at a furries convention.

-Ooh! -[both] Hi.

OK. Fine, I'll ask him to cover his face.

You will, will you? How are you going to do that?

What, are you going to take him

on a drumming weekend in the outback?

Or are you going to smear him

with more of your special man gel?

I'll talk to him about V8s.

And he who chatteth V8s endeth up mates.

Don't pat me.

For the record, I don't just write "blip" and "blop".

Oh, no, you also write "whiz", and "splash",

and "plop", and "floosh"!

Sorry, that was a bit harsh.

He is actually a really good writer.

He's just, erm... he's just not on this show.

Hey, Austin. Time to make a move.

Get ready for your book launch.

I'm not going to be getting one of my own anytime soon,

so I am living through yours pretty vicariously,

I can tell you.

Copy that. I'm just helping Haley

take these to the writers.

Um, Austin, that one there is for Sandra Anderson.

You mean Landers Sanderson?

Oh. Yes. Sorry, that's what I meant.

-Haley seems nice. -She's like me.

Neurodiverse?

Technically, Dad, that one person cannot be diverse,

only a group can be diverse.

-I think she's dyslexic. -How can you tell?

She mixed up her Sanderson with her Anderson.

Well, that's as good as a clinical diagnosis!

Riddle me this. If you like her,

why did you tell her that you're not a fan of Doctor Who?

Greta says I need to change how I present to the world

in order to sell books.

Telling Haley's not gonna...

-But Greta says... But, Dad... -Rodger. Rodger.

-Rodger, Rodger, Rodger, Rodger. -J-Train.

Would now be a convenient moment to take a look at your Red Lion?

-The High Beastess? -Grrr!

The Beast from the Middle East.

-Yeah. -Probably not that last one.

-Sure. You are gonna love her. -OK.

Cold air intake, tricked-up exhaust system...

Dad?

-[Tyres screech] -[screaming]

You don't get that kinda power with a four-cylinder, no siree!

They don't have the torque.

The towing capacity on this thing's unbelievable.

I could tow literally any boat. Any.

I'm really enjoying this, Rodger,

and I'm not experiencing any fear or nausea,

despite my expressions!

-[phone chimes] -Hang on a sec.

-Just got Hemsy on the text. -Hemsy?

-Chris. -Who?

-Hemsworth. -Right.

He's in Prague shooting the new Die Hard reboot.

Do you know he can speak fluent dolphin?

Amazing. Some of those noises are really hard to make.

-Oh, dude is next level. -Yeah.

I just want to reiterate, it's just wonderful

having someone of your stature play Big Bear, Rodger.

Well, J-Train, when I do something, it's always 110%.

Yeah, I wonder, though, was I a little hasty

in seconding your idea of showing your face

in the bear suit?

But if you don't show the face,

-they don't know it's you. -Right.

It's just when I was a Hollywood producer,

looking to cast the next action hero,

I might think twice before going for the guy

who sung Wizzy, Washy, Flushy, Wipey in a bear suit.

Don't you want what's best for the show?

I do. I do, but I also want what's best for you, Rodger.

And you are 50,

and just entering that action star sweet spot.

-Really? -Yeah, think about it.

You know, I mean, Keanu Reeves is 60,

er, Statham's 57, Cruise is 62.

-Stallone is 78. -Got it all ahead of you, Dodge.

Let's say we, er, axe the doughnuts, OK?

Amazing.

Let's go straight for the figure eights.

Ooh, great. Yeah, great!

-[engine revs] -[tyres screech]

[Julian shouts]

-This is gonna be fun. -Yeah, love a book launch.

It's my favourite way to drink boxed wine with nowhere to sit.

So, Rodger Codger was definitely fine with not showing his face?

Completely, absolutely, gave every impression

he was good with it.

-Yeah. -That's not a definitive yes.

Well, I said exactly what we discussed, so...

Because Agatha hasn't been able

to get him on the phone all afternoon.

Yeah, well, he's probably doing one-armed press ups, isn't he,

or texting Hemsy.

That's what me and Rodger call Chris Hemsworth.

OK, I'm just going to check.

You didn't spend the afternoon banging on

about how Ocean Colour Scene were criminally underrated

or lament the demise of modern journalism?

Ingrid, I'm not the monster you've created in your head.

No, but you do say one thing and do another.

For example, despite having promised not to,

you have left a folder on Agatha's desk marked

"Big Bear Story Ideas by Julian".

In case you had a story shortage.

We have a room full of writers!

Yeah, but they're Australian writers, aren't they?

I mean, come on, you can't develop a rich inner life

at a bloody barbecue.

I mean, have you been to one of their bookshops?

It's half crime, half blank notebooks.

You are a brilliant writer, but please back...

..off.

-Thank you for not swearing. -Thank you for noticing.

So, the music will go off, then we have a special guest saying,

"Welcome to Austin Hogan's book launch,"

then you will do your speech.

And you remember everything we said, don't you?

-I do. -OK.

But before that,

I've lined up an exclusive with The Canberra Times.

Say that Zendaya is amazing,

you're emotionally exhausted from binging Euphoria,

and you're obsessed with Beyonce.

Zendaya, Beyonce, Euphoria. I got it.

Look at you. Getting better all the time.

It's a trade-off.

While I miss my old self, I am enjoying kombucha.

Great! You wait here, and I'll get him.

You're making me feel underdressed there, Bill.

Oh, it's Ricky Stuart's travelling suit

from the 1990 Kangaroos tour of England.

There was a Cliffy Lyons suit there as well,

but Ricky's fits me better.

Think I can smell a bit of Ricky on it too, Dad.

-The scent of greatness. -[she chuckles]

It's the best 750 bucks I've ever spent.

It's not often your grandson writes a book.

And there was a time when we weren't entirely sure

whether he'd crack writing his own name.

Thank you, Dad, for always being there for us.

Yeah, well, you always did the running.

I just stood around and looked amazing,

like Andrew Ettingshausen in a Tina Turner ad.

[Bill chuckles]

-[man] Sir, a quick photo. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, that suit is, er, simply the best.

You look amazing.

I think the hair's doing most of the heavy lifting.

-Ah, hey, quick one. -Mm.

I just received an intel briefing that, er...

it's time you changed your washing machine.

The one you've got now has got a sensitive spin cycle.

You're right.

It beeps all night. I have to turn it off at the wall.

It also has a horribly low energy rating.

That's why I think Glen Powell is the greatest living actor.

He's reinvented what it means to be a movie star

at a time when movie star reinvention was needed.

You got enough?

Yeah, but... I'm just slightly confused.

The Austin in your book seems to be completely different

to the person standing in front of me now.

Different how?

Well, what I liked about your book

was that you had an unusual perspective.

You know, when you described your cultural influences,

you didn't fawn over the usual suspects,

like Taylor Swift, Timothee Chalamet and... Glen Powell.

Mr Hogan is a mercurial talent.

He disrupts expectations.

Some can handle that, some can't.

Actually, put that in your piece.

It's not my job to take dictation.

Austin Hogan didn't push back when asked the hard questions.

He didn't have to. He's somehow above all that.

Just in case you change your stance on taking dictation.

Right, that's all we've got time for.

When Austin told me my first thought was panic.

Who wants literary competition from their own child?

My second thought was, "At least I get to correct his grammar."

[laughter]

Austin has written an annoyingly hilarious book,

part travelogue, part heartfelt manifesto,

part scathing critique of British public transport.

Austin, thank you for teaching me

that seeing the world differently isn't just an asset.

In the right hands, it is a superpower.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

and with great pleasure, I give you the one, the only,

Mr Austin Hogan!

[cheering]

Go, Austin!

[Austin clears his throat]

Thanks, Dad.

Here's to being grammar-shamed in front of everyone.

On a more serious note,

someone asked me today if I was trying to be cool

by saying I love Taylor Swift, Harry Styles and Euphoria.

-The truth is, I'm not cool. -Oh.

But I can like The Stones and Harry Styles

because there'd be no Harry Styles

without The Stones.

[man] Hear, hear!

There'd be no Taylor Swift without Dolly Parton.

That's what I'm talking about.

There'd be no Beyonce without Aretha Franklin.

[whooping]

And there'd certainly be no Euphoria without Doctor Who

and its canonical spin-offs.

[Haley] Whoo! Yes!

Because Doctor Who is an exploration

of identity and transformation.

Austin, wrap it up. Cut it.

Anyway, thanks for supporting my book,

and have a great evening.

-Enjoy it. -So excited.

Thank you. I'm such a big fan...

Erm, quick debrief -

good speech, slight wobble mentioning Doctor Who.

I can't help it, it's deep inside me,

like the squidgy bit of a Dalek.

I don't know what you just said, but somehow, you pulled it off.

You held the crowd. You're actually quite magnetic.

Look, I know you've got a press conference

for your Australian launch in the morning,

but maybe you and me could slope off somewhere else.

There's a place across town, Enigma.

-Why is it called Enigma? -Exactly.

-As friends and work colleagues? -Well, that's under review.

We've worked hard enough for one day, Austin.

We've earned some fun.

Thanks for the invite,

but it would be negligent of me

to leave until I've talked to everyone.

Right, if I don't see you again, we're meeting at 8am sharp.

Hey! I'm gonna have to get you to sign my book.

So, now you know I'm a Whovian as well.

I, um, I already knew you were a Whovian.

What gave it away?

The mini sonic screwdriver on your key chain.

Yeah. But also, you sort of...

wear this, like, permanent expression of,

"I've just seen something from another dimension,

"but I can't quite talk about it."

I'm afraid Doctor Who is just one of those things

I've been advised not to talk about.

Er, Haley, would you be against transferring our discussion

regarding the things I can't talk about

to a high-end dining situation?

My shout.

Oh, I'd love to, Austin, but I...

Thank you. This is my boyfriend, Marnus.

Marnus, Austin. Austin, Marnus. He's a Star Trek guy.

Oh. Well, Trek is objectively better than Who.

It explores themes of hope and morality

with, er, greater depth.

I don't know.

Why would I want to watch people in pyjamas talk about science?

Well, at least it's not a children's show.

Doctor Who's about big ideas, Marnus.

Time travel, parallel worlds and moral dilemmas.

Nothing else ever comes close to it.

And with that, I shall take my leave.

-Good day, Haley. Marnus. -Bye, Austin.

Greta, I would like to go to Enigma.

Ooh, and you shall. Stick with me, Austin.

This is just the beginning.

-Sardines? -Ooh!

Maybe there's not enough salt.

Do you have any more salt, or...?

-We're just joking. -Just kidding.

It doesn't matter. Sorry.

-It's fine. -Sorry. Whoops.

[she sighs]

Oh, I had a text from Rodger Todger.

-Mm. -Yeah. He says,

"You do it any way you want, boss."

Told you. All fine.

Yeah. I quite like being called "boss".

I call you "boss" all the time.

Yeah, but only when I've asked you to take the bins out

and you're being sarcastic.

This is like, this is professional.

You know, I get the feeling he actually thinks I'm the boss.

Well, boss, maybe it's time I did the same.

Listen, I know this is really hard for you, and, erm...

I appreciate it.

-Ah, there you are! -Agatha, you came!

Oh, my God, you look amazing!

Yes. He's gone.

Who has?

Rodger has pulled out of the show.

Mm. Julian.

When you spoke to him this morning, did you...

did you say that if you were a Hollywood producer

looking for an action hero,

you may be dissuaded from casting him

if you saw him singing Wizzy, Wipey, Flushy,

Washy in a bear suit?

That is a ridiculously... accurate account of what I said.

-Oh! Julian. -Oh, Julian!

I was only, as per Ingrid's instructions,

trying to talk him out of showing his face.

Oh, well, congratulations. Yay!

Won't be showing his face or even be in the show.

Oh, and, yay, the network have frozen the budget

until we find a replacement that they like.

Agatha, I'm really sorry. If there's anything we can do...

Oh, yes, yes. Stop making trouble.

Just stop. OK.

Mendo. Yeah, it's me.

I guess the sheet barrier's staying up

for a little while longer?

Remember the Berlin Wall?

Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna rebuild that between us with my bare hands.

OK, good. Good to have a hobby.

It's not funny, Julian. It's really not funny.

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