Original subtitles

What do you mean, she's moved it forward?

Ay-ay-ay. Er, the meetings clash.

Well, I can't be in two places at the same time.

Really? Cos you can two-time people.

-Oh, still?! -I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It's like a completely automatic response now.

It's OK, Dad. I'm a grown man. I'm happy to meet Greta alone.

But do I really need an agent, though?

[both] Yes!

And Greta is brilliant, apparently.

Up and coming, according to Heidi.

And if she takes you on, she'll do all

the really irksome stuff so you don't have to,

like dealing with the publishers.

But Dad's my publisher. I don't mind dealing with him.

You've outgrown me, Grasshopper.

5,000 downloads. You are now a commodity.

A commodity? You mean like zinc or coffee beans?

-Mm-hm. -OK.

Hey, don't panic. There are two of us, Julian,

so you go in with Austin

and I'll take the Heidi meeting, yeah?

Sorry, Austin. I absolutely need

to be in the Heidi meeting.

I absolutely need to be in the Heidi meeting.

Do you, though? Don't you trust me?

Well, of course I trust you, but I mean...

-Oh, my God. -What?

Oh, my God, you actually do.

-I didn't say a thing. -You think I'm incompetent.

Oh, my God, is this because I won't drive?

OK, fine. You take the meeting with Heidi, I'll take Austin.

Yes, I will. Thank you. You're welcome.

Dad, this publishing stuff is kind of confronting.

I feel like my destiny is being controlled

by people that I don't really know,

some of whom could be idiots.

Trust me, Austin, most of them ARE idiots.

Austin, your book is sensational.

-So you've read it, then? -Almost a third of it.

Oh, for an agent, that is high praise indeed.

It's one of the best travel books I've come across.

And then I thought, "Ooh, who actually wants to read

"about an Australian man's wanderings

"through modern Britain?"

Is this a thing where you're toying with us, or...?

Everyone. Everyone will want to read this.

Ah, good. It was.

If we get the right strategy

for the book and for you, Austin.

So, how ARE you?

It's, like, strangely hard to get a meeting with you, Heidi.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, compared to the, er, before times.

Oh, well, I don't know.

You two are still very high up on my author priorities list.

You know, not as high as before.

[chuckles] But still, high-ish.

Well, that might be about to change, because...

Oh.

..we have a very exciting idea that we want to share.

Oh, you're sitting down.

Do you want me to sit down even more?

Er, no.

[Greta] Opportunities don't come along every day,

and when they do, you need to do everything you can

to leverage them.

Well, I, for one, am happy to take yes for an answer.

Have I said yes yet, Julian?

It's probably yes, though, isn't it?

So I shall leave you two to disrupt publishing

while I just, erm, check on, erm...

-Right, so... -Oh, Greta?

Quick note for whoever is lucky enough

to publish this meisterwerk.

About, er, halfway down the second page of chapter four,

I've used a semicolon.

Some people are averse to them,

but I'd like to keep it, if you don't mind.

Yeah, I can't even find it,

so, erm, as long as Austin likes it.

I've heard that it's the Dom Perignon of punctuation.

Great. Well, the semicolon stays.

-Fantastic. Catch you later. -Fantastic. OK, ciao.

-Let's drop the semicolon. -Already gone.

So, I've spoken to a few publishers

and they like the book.

But they've made it clear they won't publish it

unless you prove you have a solid British origin story.

Well, my father's British,

and as he often quotes after two pints,

"That's nothing to be ashamed of."

Yeah, they want more.

You know, a bit of find your roots, family tree stuff.

So, any royalty in there?

Or perhaps an East End villain who once punched a cabbie?

I honestly have no idea.

Well, then, have a look, and please discover that you are.

Do you remember how I never wanted to do Big Bear TV?

Yes. Cost me 15% of millions.

So... [chuckles]

..well, over Christmas,

Julian and I watched The Horse, the...

The Oscar winner, mm.

Yeah, that's an animation, and...

and it's just done really properly.

It's expensive.

-Is it? -Yes.

So, how are we doing? Have we got a deal?

-Yeah, a bit of a non-starter. -What?

Yeah, Heidi says, erm,

it's too expensive, probably, to do properly.

You've gotta be kidding me.

We had so many offers, you know?

Not just animation, stop motion.

What about live action? That's got to be cheap.

Come on, Julian. A man in a furry suit?

Furry? I mean, I don't know.

It might be... might be an interesting idea.

Yeah, why not? You know, you could argue live action

highlights the humanity of the characters.

I think there was one company that wanted to do live action.

I mean, I don't know, but... Oh, here they are, yeah.

Yeah, Australians.

Ah, serendipity. Love Australia.

No, you don't. You hate the sun, hate the wildlife,

and Australians make you feel effeminate,

and that's just the women.

Oh, you will have to work with actors.

Have you met an actor before?

I would bloody love to work with actors.

-Based on what? -Billie Piper.

We met in that tea room.

I don't wanna go on about it, but, you know, bit of a bond.

And she didn't talk about her process at all.

No. Julian, am I shouting into a well?

It's a no. It's a hard no.

Absolument non. I do not want to do live action.

Ingrid...

..if we don't do this, Big Bear is dead.

And he's never coming back, not even for a book

called Big Bear Meets The Grim Reaper.

That look means yes.

Yeah? Wrap it up.

Oh...

Close your eyes. Imagine how big you could be by 2030.

-OK, I'm imagining. -Now triple it.

-Now I'm excited and terrified. -Open your eyes.

So, first we get the book out there and you with it.

Now, write this down.

You're not neurodivergent any more, you're neuro-spicy.

Everything good? Yeah? You good? You good?

Are we The Monkees?

The Monkees walking down the street?

Er, page 42, Austin refers to the Australians

as having "less problems than the British".

I think we need to amend that to "fewer",

otherwise we'll lose the goodwill we built up

with the semicolon.

I am not going to let that man steamroller me any more.

And that is hard. He gets into everything.

Like glitter.

He's like that pathogenic fungus

that gets into the brains of ants

and turns them into zombies

and then shoots spores through their eyes.

He's THAT controlling.

I'll tell you what's gonna happen now.

He's gonna come back in here and he's going to pretend

that he's just had the idea

that maybe he should be the creative director.

Where in fact, he's probably been plotting that for months.

Guys, quick thought about the, er,

Big Bear TV thing on the inter-office commute.

Was it that you wanted to be creative director?

No, it's not that I want to be... All right, yes.

I want to be creative director of the Big Bear TV show.

I just think there should be one voice at the top,

and that voice should be mine.

Yeah, he thinks I'm incompetent.

No. Cos I came up with the original idea.

I beg your pardon?!

It was definitely me who had the idea

about us doing a bear.

I'm the one who gave him his defining characteristic,

which is that he's big.

Erm, you...

you think that the adjective trumps the actual bear?

Yeah, I do, because there are millions of books about bears,

and hardly any of them are about big bears.

So you two want me to work with you both, again,

while your marriage just disintegrates

in front of my eyes?

-Yes, please. -Yes, please.

-[phone pings] -Right, great idea!

Oh, dear, it's my one o'clock that's waiting for me.

Heidi, it's ten to eleven.

Is it?

Right, next.

You always, always have to be authentic and open.

So, what's a secret about you

that very few people know about?

I'm not telling you my secrets, Greta.

We've only just met.

-You can just lie. Make one up. -I can't just lie about it.

OK, fine. Here's a secret about me.

I can't wink.

That's rather peculiar, but all right.

Every time I try, both my eyes close.

There have been so many dates

where people confuse my flirting for Bell's palsy.

That's my secret. What's yours?

No, I don't think I can.

Come on, I just told you

something embarrassing and personal.

All right.

I always thought meme was pronounced "me-me".

Then my girlfriend said,

"Austin, it's pronounced 'meme',"

and I haven't heard from her since.

So you're being ghosted?

Perhaps true love will have to wait.

Just for a bit. Perhaps.

Was that a wink?

Let's just say my truths weren't lies.

Hm.

And since when has Big Bear been a woman?

I think Big Bear can be either.

You were the one who said that Big Bear

-should be gender neutral. -What?

You were the one who said they shouldn't have genitals.

You were the one who said,

"Big Bear should exist beyond gender."

Yeah, you were woke before the word even existed,

and yes, I am saying that to annoy you.

Dad?

Greta says that she can't sell the book

unless I show that I'm British enough

to make fun of the British.

So I need to know my British origin story pronto.

Can you possibly take me through that tomorrow?

-Unfortunately, I am available. -Excellent.

Also, it's not OK to have a crush on your agent, is it?

Absolutely fine until about ten years ago,

then problematic, much like everything else in the world.

Got it. I'll cancel the crush for now, at least.

Austin, forever, hm?

Yeah, doing that's like going back

to an unexploded firework.

You know, there's a big danger of it blowing up

and removing quite a lot of your face.

Fine.

[Julian exhales]

So, which British origin story are you going to tell him?

The easy one or the hard one?

I'll tell him the story

that's most beneficial to Austin moving forward.

Now, Austin, not every origin story

features mood lighting and soaring music.

Sometimes, it's just about two flawed people coming together,

rather awkwardly, actually,

and just attempting to make the best of things, OK?

Right. My expectations have been lowered.

Maybe lower them again, just to be on the safe side.

Is that necessary?

Yeah. Take 'em down another notch.

All right.

OK, now, this building here,

this is where your mother and I first met.

Fork Yeah Catering.

A place where the food was almost as good as the puns.

In fact, it was up there

that I asked her to accompany me to La Boheme.

-The opera? -That's what she said.

Opera turned out to be

not quite your mother's cup of tea.

But, er, well, she found me moderately amusing

and we shared a certain corporeal desire.

That's quite a disturbing visual.

Also, I'm sensing some judgement

about my mother's intellectual acumen.

She knows a lot more about stationery

than you're ever going to.

Can't argue with that.

I've always meant to ask you, Dad,

how did you cope with dating my mother

and stepmother simultaneously?

How long have you got? It was 1995.

I was at the peak of my powers, socially, creatively.

And my hair was actually in a very good place,

which I knew wouldn't last.

You can't blame a chap

for making the most of his short window of excellence.

Do you have any photos

depicting this short window of excellence?

Austin, Austin, Austin.

Listen, those of us that survived

that hedonistic decade

were far too busy enjoying ourselves to take photographs.

And, er, yeah, I lost the box

with my photos in it during a move.

Well, that's a bummer.

Ah, behold.

And this is where you were conceived.

I always thought too much information

was a cliche, until now.

My old flat. Third floor, second from the right.

That's where the magic happened.

Please stop talking, Dad.

Afterwards, in a moment of vulnerability,

I told your mother that I wanted to become a writer.

She told me to stick to catering.

And look at you now. You showed her!

You don't usually go in for sarcasm. Everything OK?

Truth be told, Dad, this isn't exactly

the British origin story that I was hoping for.

I wanted to learn more about my ancestors.

Even just grandparents would have been great.

Whatever happened to them?

This is solid gold material that I'm giving you,

earmarked for my memoirs, as it happens,

but given to you gratis.

You're welcome.

I would like to know less

about you having sex in the previous century

and more about your parents.

You know, my grandparents.

They're dead, mate.

Sorry you never got to meet them.

Now it all makes sense why my origin story tour

has been so deeply unsatisfying.

You were concealing inner pain.

Shall we continue being down in the dumps

or should we just take our leave?

Let's take our leave.

Even you have to admit that if I'm the creative director,

Big Bear stands a thousand percent more chance

of retaining his joie de vivre.

Are you taking your hormones? I wrote the books!

I'm the one that faced the tyranny of the blank page.

The words came before the pictures!

World's tiniest violin. And that's actually not true!

My preparatory sketches came long before the words.

Ha! What, those rough drawings?

Very detailed roughs, with a color wash!

Oh, I remember. Yeah, yeah, the scribbles.

Oh, scribbles! Oh, my God!

OK, this is a scribble.

Right? And THIS is a sketch.

Oh, can you tell the difference? Can you?

Cos I don't think you can.

I feel like I'm not in my body. I... I...

I feel... I'm actually feeling faint.

-[Ingrid sighs] -[Julian exhales]

Dad, do you need an air ambulance

or a less exciting ambulance?

No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It only feels like I'm having a stroke.

Excellent.

Now, since your version of my British origin story

was a complete misfire, I've had to investigate it myself.

Don't worry. I do have to sit down, though, yeah?

-It's... It's the stress. -Pfft!

Dad, I am proud to report that you are a direct descendant

of William the Conqueror.

Yes, and I bet William's wife valued his contributions.

Interestingly, William the Conqueror was a total bastard.

And his wife had a name.

I don't currently know what it was,

but, you know, she had one.

OK.

[clears throat]

Your great-great-grandfather was sentenced to death

for the crime of being in the company of gypsies

for longer than a month.

Yeah, figures.

Your great-grandmother

invented the windshield wiper in 1903.

Exactly. Family genius for creativity.

-And your parents... -And that's where it ends.

..are alive and well and running the Epsom post office.

Hm. Poked a bit of a wasps' nest there, Austin.

Matilda of Flanders.

That was her name.

I should also say that during my origin story research,

I discovered that the house you're currently living in

once played host to a homicide.

-Of course it did. -And some very keen swingers.

Comic. Balance out the horror with more horror.

-Are you quite all right? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why you're worried.

If anyone should be worried, it should be me.

Your granny absolutely loathes me.

-She doesn't loathe you. -Yes, she does.

You know that she once said that I was so up myself...

Er, not in front of the children.

Austin, do you know what passive-aggression is?

Yes, I believe Greta's already told me about that.

OK, that's great.

Because if it were a martial art,

your grandparents would be senseis.

OK, good to know.

-OK. Shall we go? -Sure.

I must say, I'm feeling quite up

for another bout with the old witch.

-Witch? -Granny.

OK.

[knocks on door]

Well, that's that, then. Shall we go and get an ice cream?

It's fine, Dad. I'll take it from here.

Before you shut the door on me,

I just want you to know that I come in peace

and bearing gifts.

My name is Austin Hogan.

I love railways, and I'm also your grandson.

Probably should have started with that.

Despite the travesties that my father may have committed,

I would still like an introduction

to you and your husband,

who I believe is my grandfather.

-She's making tea. -Great.

I'm parched.

You're not getting the good tea set.

I wouldn't expect the good tea set.

And it's debatable whether you'll get digestives.

I can't believe we're only finding out

we have a grandson now.

Well, to be fair,

Julian only found out about Austin quite recently.

So you're still on the scene, then, Ingrid?

[Breathy chuckle]

Yeah!

I have actually been married to your son

for quite a while now.

Mike, take a picture of me with Austin. Is that OK?

Yeah, of course. I'd be honored.

Do you know where the camera is?

No.

Can't believe you've still

only got one phone between you.

We only need one.

If you spend all your time with someone,

why would you need two phones?

So you could call other people?

Maybe there's nobody else we wanna talk to.

15 years!

You don't answer my calls, my emails, my letters.

I don't even know what I've done.

One day, you just stopped communicating.

You know exactly what you've done.

I'm sorry, but I don't.

I mean, could you give me a hint?

You named Big Bear's wolf enemies, Elaine and Mike,

after us.

-Broke your mother's heart. -What are you talking about?

What do you mean, what am I talking about?

Those evil wolves that kidnap children have our names!

Those wolves aren't named after you.

They're named after Mike Nichols and Elaine May.

Never heard of them.

Allow me to explain.

They were pioneers of modern sketch comedy,

and then they went on to become writers and directors

of some of the greatest films in modern cinema.

Did either of them make Mamma Mia?

No.

Mamma Mia 2?

The point is, those wolves aren't named after you.

[Elaine] Ingrid...

..you help with the books, don't you?

Erm, if by "help with the books", you mean,

"You illustrated every single one of them," yes.

Yes, I do.

And is it true that the wolves are named after...

thingy and thingy?

Erm, after the director of The Graduate

and the writer of The Bird Cage?

Well, I just...

I can't believe you're even asking me that question.

I mean, yes! Of course it's true!

-I don't know I believe her. -Neither do I.

Oh, the phone, I found it!

Oh, yes, well done, Austin. Where was it?

It was just under the cushion. Shall we take the photo now?

Here you are. Give it here.

Austin, isn't your grandmother

the most attractive woman you've ever seen?

I'm not really sure if it's appropriate

for me to comment on that, but yes.

Your grandfather's still my stallion.

Grr.

Would you like to take a photo of me as well?

Oh, no, I don't think there's enough battery.

-We like you, Austin. -Thanks.

We're going to give you the number for the mobile phone.

-Thank you. -It's turned off after 6pm.

Saves the battery.

Ah, right. Erm... [Austin clears throat]

Grandma, do you happen to have any old photos of my dad?

I'm not sure. We might have got rid of them

during the last clear-out.

No, you wanted to, but I said keep some back just in case.

Oh, yes, and they're down there,

under the board games and the takeaway leaflets.

I know my place. [Julian chuckles]

Would you like some tea, Austin?

Please and thank you.

Now, that's a lovely picture.

Now, what era of your father's life

would you like to look at?

Could I possibly see a photograph of Dad back in 1995

when he was at the peak of his artistic powers?

And his hair was also in a really good place?

Coming right up.

There's me and Mike doing keep fit.

Ooh, that one's a bit saucy.

You must have at least one photo of me from the '90s.

Here we are, look.

There's your dad and Ingrid on one of their first dates.

-That's actually my mother. -So it is.

-Isn't she pretty? -I suppose she is.

The Elaine and Mike characters

weren't named after Nichols and May, were they?

Oh, God, no. Named after Mum and Dad.

[Ingrid gasps] Oh, God. Heidi.

The Australian producers are calling us tonight.

Well... Well, that's got to be good, isn't it?

They wouldn't call if they didn't want the show.

But they might say they don't want it now.

They could be saying that they'll just keep us in mind

if they get a space available on their slate.

Or they could be calling to yell at us

for not accepting their original offer two years ago.

OK, but now are we spiraling?

-Yeah, spiraling. -We're spiraling.

Oh, I don't want to be like my dad.

I don't want to be the sort of person that never compromises.

Oh, Julian,

I think you are the opposite

of your dad in every single way.

And believe me, there is no higher compliment.

Thank you. Thanks for having my back in there, by the way.

Sensei.

Sensei.

Let's be joint creative directors.

-Joint creative directors? -Mm.

Yeah, that could work.

You know, if they don't buy the show,

it's at least allowed us

to dream of keeping Big Bear alive,

and occasionally shopping from the Tesco Finest range.

I think you're a genius.

-I think YOU'RE a genius. -Oh, no, you're the genius.

You're more of a genius than I am.

I'm more of a genius than you are?

Sorry to break a tender moment, guys,

but just a friendly reminder that you're not exactly alone.

But feel free to continue when I'm not present.

Sorry, Austin. Absolutely fair enough, in fact.

They you are. Oof!

Hey, Dad, I've just spoken to my stepmother

and I think we need to make a pact.

No more lies.

Sure. I'm sorry.

I find it really difficult

talking about my relationship with my parents.

It was tough growing up, being the least favorite child,

especially when there's only one of you.

That is quite sad, I'll admit.

But still, no more lies.

Sure. What do you think?

Would you be tempted back into the marital bed?

On that subject, may I suggest that you try this?

It's called Manifestation,

the scent of rare leathers and burnt driftwood.

Mm. Ooh, yeah.

-That was an air dab. -That was not an air dab.

Flesh and cologne must meet.

We agreed on no more lies, remember?

Perfect.

Smells very, erm, Australian.

Trust me, Dad, this is bound to help you.

Yeah, that'll keep the flies off.

[Roy] Ugh!

Still got a headache that'd kill a small buffalo.

We've been back for weeks, Dad.

Besides, I thought you said jet lag was God's way

of saying you should have flown premium economy.

I think God's turned his back on premium economy.

[phone rings]

Ooh!

Hello, sweetheart!

Mum, I have some exciting news.

My book has been picked up by a major publisher.

-You bloody legend! -Marvellous!

I was tasked with providing them my British origin story,

which covered everything from where I was conceived...

Oh, well, Austin, that's disgusting.

..to where I live now.

But what's more interesting

is the screenshot I just sent you.

It's the Google Street View

of my father and stepmother's house.

And if you'll notice, there's a car parked out the front.

-Yeah? -Yeah?

Now zoom in and take a gander at the two people inside it.

Do they seem familiar to you?

Because they seem familiar to me.

Austin, love, I think we're breaking up.

I can't hear you very well.

Mum, we're on a Wi-Fi call. It doesn't break up.

It's all right, I've pulled the Wi-Fi.

Grandad, when you pull the Wi-Fi out of the modem,

the mobile data automatically takes over.

I know you did what you did because you love me.

But in future, it would be nice

if that love was expressed in a more legal way.

-He's totally onto us. -I've gotta somehow spin this.

Grandad, I can still hear you.

You just turned your speaker off.

Oh, bugger.

[Ingrid] Does this taste of air freshener?

Oh, no, that's, er, Manifestation.

Aftershave. Austin insisted I wore it.

It's the smell of an airport bathroom.

Thank you.

That's one of the more upscale bathrooms

you've accused me of smelling like.

[Julian chuckles]

Erm, something I've been meaning to ask you, actually.

That's strange.

Something I've been meaning to ask you too.

Oh, you first.

Well, I believe that we have been experiencing

something of a rapprochement.

Certainement.

-We're getting on better. -Yeah, definitely.

And while my feminine power absolutely rocks

and I will surrender it for no man...

Natch.

..I do still find you very, very...

[phone rings]

Hi!

[Heidi laughs] Hi!

Hey, erm, I've, erm...

I've actually got Agatha on the line,

the executive producer from Twee TV in Australia.

G'day! It's g'night here.

Ooh, hello.

Top of the morning to you. A-ha! So great, so great.

[chuckles]

Hey, I just want to say thank you for remembering us.

[chuckles]

Although we... we remembered you too.

The second thing I want to say is...

we want to buy your show.

Oh, that's so fantastic to hear.

Yeah, we actually have 40 territories worldwide

who want a live action version of Big Bear.

However, 36 of those 40

don't want Julian anywhere near the project.

But that means that they are willing to accept 50...

Sorry, er, you don't want me what?

No, Julian, this is a good thing.

How?

Yes, you may miss the first two seasons.

But just imagine the impact you can have when we secretly,

just quietly, bring you back after that.

Oh, right, yeah, after you've won all the awards

and everyone hates each other?

Yeah, you'll be our little rocket booster.

[chuckles]

Well, that doesn't sound patronizing!

Hey, I know you're not a bad guy,

and I can't wait to work with you

in three to four years' time.

Well, I wish you all the best.

And Ingrid, I just wanna say I can't wait to work with you

as the creative director on Big Bear.

And for you to get the best possible outcome

for the Bearniverse.

-Thanks so much, Agatha. -No, thank you.

Ooh. Well, that's a turn-up.

I don't really want to talk about it.

I don't suppose you want to talk

about WHY you don't want to talk about it?

Not really, no.

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