All language subtitles for Austin s02e02.eng

What do you mean,
she's moved it forward?

Ay-ay-ay.
Er, the meetings clash.

Well, I can't be in two places
at the same time.

Really?
Cos you can two-time people.

-Oh, still?!
-I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It's like a completely
automatic response now.

It's OK, Dad. I'm a grown man.
I'm happy to meet Greta alone.

But do I really need
an agent, though?

[both] Yes!

And Greta is brilliant,
apparently.

Up and coming,
according to Heidi.

And if she takes you on,
she'll do all

the really irksome stuff
so you don't have to,

like dealing
with the publishers.

But Dad's my publisher.
I don't mind dealing with him.

You've outgrown me, Grasshopper.

5,000 downloads.
You are now a commodity.

A commodity? You mean
like zinc or coffee beans?

-Mm-hm.
-OK.

Hey, don't panic.
There are two of us, Julian,

so you go in with Austin

and I'll take
the Heidi meeting, yeah?

Sorry, Austin. I absolutely need

to be in the Heidi meeting.

I absolutely need
to be in the Heidi meeting.

Do you, though?
Don't you trust me?

Well, of course I trust you,
but I mean...

-Oh, my God.
-What?

Oh, my God, you actually do.

-I didn't say a thing.
-You think I'm incompetent.

Oh, my God,
is this because I won't drive?

OK, fine. You take the meeting
with Heidi, I'll take Austin.

Yes, I will.
Thank you. You're welcome.

Dad, this publishing stuff
is kind of confronting.

I feel like my destiny
is being controlled

by people that I don't really
know,

some of whom could be idiots.

Trust me, Austin,
most of them ARE idiots.

Austin,
your book is sensational.

-So you've read it, then?
-Almost a third of it.

Oh, for an agent,
that is high praise indeed.

It's one of the best travel
books I've come across.

And then I thought, "Ooh,
who actually wants to read

"about an Australian man's
wanderings

"through modern Britain?"

Is this a thing where you're
toying with us, or...?

Everyone. Everyone
will want to read this.

Ah, good. It was.

If we get the right strategy

for the book and for you,
Austin.

So, how ARE you?

It's, like, strangely hard to
get a meeting with you, Heidi.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, compared
to the, er, before times.

Oh, well, I don't know.

You two are still very high up
on my author priorities list.

You know, not as high as before.

[chuckles] But still, high-ish.

Well, that might be about
to change, because...

Oh.

..we have a very exciting
idea that we want to share.

Oh, you're sitting down.

Do you want me
to sit down even more?

Er, no.

[Greta] Opportunities
don't come along every day,

and when they do, you need
to do everything you can

to leverage them.

Well, I, for one, am happy
to take yes for an answer.

Have I said yes yet, Julian?

It's probably yes, though,
isn't it?

So I shall leave you two
to disrupt publishing

while I just, erm, check on,
erm...

-Right, so...
-Oh, Greta?

Quick note for whoever
is lucky enough

to publish this meisterwerk.

About, er, halfway down the
second page of chapter four,

I've used a semicolon.

Some people are averse to them,

but I'd like to keep it,
if you don't mind.

Yeah, I can't even find it,

so, erm, as long as Austin
likes it.

I've heard that it's the
Dom Perignon of punctuation.

Great.
Well, the semicolon stays.

-Fantastic. Catch you later.
-Fantastic. OK, ciao.

-Let's drop the semicolon.
-Already gone.

So, I've spoken
to a few publishers

and they like the book.

But they've made it clear
they won't publish it

unless you prove you have
a solid British origin story.

Well, my father's British,

and as he often quotes
after two pints,

"That's nothing
to be ashamed of."

Yeah, they want more.

You know, a bit of find your
roots, family tree stuff.

So, any royalty in there?

Or perhaps an East End villain
who once punched a cabbie?

I honestly have no idea.

Well, then, have a look, and
please discover that you are.

Do you remember how I never
wanted to do Big Bear TV?

Yes. Cost me 15% of millions.

So... [chuckles]

..well, over Christmas,

Julian and I watched
The Horse, the...

The Oscar winner, mm.

Yeah, that's an animation,
and...

and it's just done
really properly.

It's expensive.

-Is it?
-Yes.

So, how are we doing?
Have we got a deal?

-Yeah, a bit of a non-starter.
-What?

Yeah, Heidi says, erm,

it's too expensive, probably,
to do properly.

You've gotta be kidding me.

We had so many offers, you know?

Not just animation, stop motion.

What about live action?
That's got to be cheap.

Come on, Julian.
A man in a furry suit?

Furry? I mean, I don't know.

It might be...
might be an interesting idea.

Yeah, why not? You know,
you could argue live action

highlights the humanity
of the characters.

I think there was one company
that wanted to do live action.

I mean, I don't know, but...
Oh, here they are, yeah.

Yeah, Australians.

Ah, serendipity. Love Australia.

No, you don't. You hate
the sun, hate the wildlife,

and Australians
make you feel effeminate,

and that's just the women.

Oh, you will have
to work with actors.

Have you met an actor before?

I would bloody love
to work with actors.

-Based on what?
-Billie Piper.

We met in that tea room.

I don't wanna go on about it,
but, you know, bit of a bond.

And she didn't talk
about her process at all.

No. Julian, am I shouting
into a well?

It's a no. It's a hard no.

Absolument non. I do not want
to do live action.

Ingrid...

..if we don't do this,
Big Bear is dead.

And he's never coming back,
not even for a book

called Big Bear
Meets The Grim Reaper.

That look means yes.

Yeah? Wrap it up.

Oh...

Close your eyes. Imagine how
big you could be by 2030.

-OK, I'm imagining.
-Now triple it.

-Now I'm excited and terrified.
-Open your eyes.

So, first we get the book out
there and you with it.

Now, write this down.

You're not neurodivergent
any more, you're neuro-spicy.

Everything good?
Yeah? You good? You good?

Are we The Monkees?

The Monkees walking
down the street?

Er, page 42, Austin refers
to the Australians

as having "less problems
than the British".

I think we need to amend that
to "fewer",

otherwise we'll lose
the goodwill we built up

with the semicolon.

I am not going to let that man
steamroller me any more.

And that is hard.
He gets into everything.

Like glitter.

He's like that pathogenic fungus

that gets into the brains
of ants

and turns them into zombies

and then shoots spores
through their eyes.

He's THAT controlling.

I'll tell you what's gonna
happen now.

He's gonna come back in here
and he's going to pretend

that he's just had the idea

that maybe he should be
the creative director.

Where in fact, he's probably
been plotting that for months.

Guys, quick thought about the,
er,

Big Bear TV thing
on the inter-office commute.

Was it that you wanted to be
creative director?

No, it's not that I want to
be... All right, yes.

I want to be creative director
of the Big Bear TV show.

I just think there should be
one voice at the top,

and that voice should be mine.

Yeah, he thinks I'm incompetent.

No. Cos I came up
with the original idea.

I beg your pardon?!

It was definitely me
who had the idea

about us doing a bear.

I'm the one who gave him
his defining characteristic,

which is that he's big.

Erm, you...

you think that the adjective
trumps the actual bear?

Yeah, I do, because there are
millions of books about bears,

and hardly any of them
are about big bears.

So you two want me
to work with you both, again,

while your marriage just
disintegrates

in front of my eyes?

-Yes, please.
-Yes, please.

-[phone pings]
-Right, great idea!

Oh, dear, it's my one o'clock
that's waiting for me.

Heidi, it's ten to eleven.

Is it?

Right, next.

You always, always have to be
authentic and open.

So, what's a secret about you

that very few people know about?

I'm not telling you my
secrets, Greta.

We've only just met.

-You can just lie. Make one up.
-I can't just lie about it.

OK, fine.
Here's a secret about me.

I can't wink.

That's rather peculiar,
but all right.

Every time I try,
both my eyes close.

There have been so many dates

where people confuse my
flirting for Bell's palsy.

That's my secret. What's yours?

No, I don't think I can.

Come on, I just told you

something embarrassing
and personal.

All right.

I always thought meme
was pronounced "me-me".

Then my girlfriend said,

"Austin, it's pronounced
'meme',"

and I haven't heard from her
since.

So you're being ghosted?

Perhaps true love
will have to wait.

Just for a bit. Perhaps.

Was that a wink?

Let's just say
my truths weren't lies.

Hm.

And since when has Big Bear
been a woman?

I think Big Bear can be either.

You were the one
who said that Big Bear

-should be gender neutral.
-What?

You were the one who said they
shouldn't have genitals.

You were the one who said,

"Big Bear should exist
beyond gender."

Yeah, you were woke
before the word even existed,

and yes, I am saying that
to annoy you.

Dad?

Greta says
that she can't sell the book

unless I show
that I'm British enough

to make fun of the British.

So I need to know my British
origin story pronto.

Can you possibly
take me through that tomorrow?

-Unfortunately, I am available.
-Excellent.

Also, it's not OK to have
a crush on your agent, is it?

Absolutely fine until about
ten years ago,

then problematic, much like
everything else in the world.

Got it. I'll cancel the crush
for now, at least.

Austin, forever, hm?

Yeah, doing that's like going
back

to an unexploded firework.

You know, there's a big danger
of it blowing up

and removing
quite a lot of your face.

Fine.

[Julian exhales]

So, which British origin story
are you going to tell him?

The easy one or the hard one?

I'll tell him the story

that's most beneficial
to Austin moving forward.

Now, Austin,
not every origin story

features mood lighting
and soaring music.

Sometimes, it's just about two
flawed people coming together,

rather awkwardly, actually,

and just attempting to make
the best of things, OK?

Right. My expectations
have been lowered.

Maybe lower them again,
just to be on the safe side.

Is that necessary?

Yeah.
Take 'em down another notch.

All right.

OK, now, this building here,

this is where your mother
and I first met.

Fork Yeah Catering.

A place where the food was
almost as good as the puns.

In fact, it was up there

that I asked her to
accompany me to La Boheme.

-The opera?
-That's what she said.

Opera turned out to be

not quite your mother's
cup of tea.

But, er, well, she found me
moderately amusing

and we shared
a certain corporeal desire.

That's quite
a disturbing visual.

Also, I'm sensing some judgement

about my mother's
intellectual acumen.

She knows a lot more
about stationery

than you're ever going to.

Can't argue with that.

I've always meant to ask you,
Dad,

how did you cope
with dating my mother

and stepmother simultaneously?

How long have you got?
It was 1995.

I was at the peak of my
powers, socially, creatively.

And my hair was actually
in a very good place,

which I knew wouldn't last.

You can't blame a chap

for making the most of his
short window of excellence.

Do you have any photos

depicting this short window
of excellence?

Austin, Austin, Austin.

Listen, those of us that
survived

that hedonistic decade

were far too busy enjoying
ourselves to take photographs.

And, er, yeah, I lost the box

with my photos in it
during a move.

Well, that's a bummer.

Ah, behold.

And this is where
you were conceived.

I always thought too much
information

was a cliche, until now.

My old flat. Third floor,
second from the right.

That's where the magic happened.

Please stop talking, Dad.

Afterwards,
in a moment of vulnerability,

I told your mother that
I wanted to become a writer.

She told me
to stick to catering.

And look at you now.
You showed her!

You don't usually go in
for sarcasm. Everything OK?

Truth be told, Dad,
this isn't exactly

the British origin story
that I was hoping for.

I wanted to learn more
about my ancestors.

Even just grandparents
would have been great.

Whatever happened to them?

This is solid gold material
that I'm giving you,

earmarked for my memoirs,
as it happens,

but given to you gratis.

You're welcome.

I would like to know less

about you having sex
in the previous century

and more about your parents.

You know, my grandparents.

They're dead, mate.

Sorry you never got
to meet them.

Now it all makes sense
why my origin story tour

has been so deeply unsatisfying.

You were concealing inner pain.

Shall we continue
being down in the dumps

or should we just take our
leave?

Let's take our leave.

Even you have to admit that
if I'm the creative director,

Big Bear stands
a thousand percent more chance

of retaining his joie de vivre.

Are you taking your hormones?
I wrote the books!

I'm the one that faced the
tyranny of the blank page.

The words came
before the pictures!

World's tiniest violin.
And that's actually not true!

My preparatory sketches
came long before the words.

Ha! What, those rough drawings?

Very detailed roughs,
with a color wash!

Oh, I remember.
Yeah, yeah, the scribbles.

Oh, scribbles! Oh, my God!

OK, this is a scribble.

Right? And THIS is a sketch.

Oh, can you tell
the difference? Can you?

Cos I don't think you can.

I feel like I'm not
in my body. I... I...

I feel...
I'm actually feeling faint.

-[Ingrid sighs]
-[Julian exhales]

Dad, do you need
an air ambulance

or a less exciting ambulance?

No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It only feels
like I'm having a stroke.

Excellent.

Now, since your version
of my British origin story

was a complete misfire, I've
had to investigate it myself.

Don't worry. I do have to sit
down, though, yeah?

-It's... It's the stress.
-Pfft!

Dad, I am proud to report that
you are a direct descendant

of William the Conqueror.

Yes, and I bet William's wife
valued his contributions.

Interestingly, William the
Conqueror was a total bastard.

And his wife had a name.

I don't currently know
what it was,

but, you know, she had one.

OK.

[clears throat]

Your great-great-grandfather
was sentenced to death

for the crime of being
in the company of gypsies

for longer than a month.

Yeah, figures.

Your great-grandmother

invented the windshield wiper
in 1903.

Exactly.
Family genius for creativity.

-And your parents...
-And that's where it ends.

..are alive and well and
running the Epsom post office.

Hm. Poked a bit of a wasps'
nest there, Austin.

Matilda of Flanders.

That was her name.

I should also say that during
my origin story research,

I discovered that the house
you're currently living in

once played host to a homicide.

-Of course it did.
-And some very keen swingers.

Comic. Balance out the horror
with more horror.

-Are you quite all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why you're worried.

If anyone should be worried,
it should be me.

Your granny absolutely
loathes me.

-She doesn't loathe you.
-Yes, she does.

You know that she once said
that I was so up myself...

Er, not in front
of the children.

Austin, do you know
what passive-aggression is?

Yes, I believe Greta's already
told me about that.

OK, that's great.

Because if it were
a martial art,

your grandparents would
be senseis.

OK, good to know.

-OK. Shall we go?
-Sure.

I must say, I'm feeling quite up

for another bout
with the old witch.

-Witch?
-Granny.

OK.

[knocks on door]

Well, that's that, then. Shall
we go and get an ice cream?

It's fine, Dad.
I'll take it from here.

Before you shut the door on me,

I just want you to know
that I come in peace

and bearing gifts.

My name is Austin Hogan.

I love railways,
and I'm also your grandson.

Probably should have started
with that.

Despite the travesties that
my father may have committed,

I would still like an
introduction

to you and your husband,

who I believe is my grandfather.

-She's making tea.
-Great.

I'm parched.

You're not getting
the good tea set.

I wouldn't expect
the good tea set.

And it's debatable
whether you'll get digestives.

I can't believe
we're only finding out

we have a grandson now.

Well, to be fair,

Julian only found out about
Austin quite recently.

So you're still on the scene,
then, Ingrid?

[Breathy chuckle]

Yeah!

I have actually been married
to your son

for quite a while now.

Mike, take a picture of me
with Austin. Is that OK?

Yeah, of course. I'd be honored.

Do you know where the camera is?

No.

Can't believe you've still

only got one phone between you.

We only need one.

If you spend all your time
with someone,

why would you need two phones?

So you could call other people?

Maybe there's nobody else
we wanna talk to.

15 years!

You don't answer my calls,
my emails, my letters.

I don't even know
what I've done.

One day, you just stopped
communicating.

You know exactly
what you've done.

I'm sorry, but I don't.

I mean, could you give me
a hint?

You named Big Bear's wolf
enemies, Elaine and Mike,

after us.

-Broke your mother's heart.
-What are you talking about?

What do you mean,
what am I talking about?

Those evil wolves that kidnap
children have our names!

Those wolves aren't named
after you.

They're named after
Mike Nichols and Elaine May.

Never heard of them.

Allow me to explain.

They were pioneers
of modern sketch comedy,

and then they went on to
become writers and directors

of some of the greatest films
in modern cinema.

Did either of them make
Mamma Mia?

No.

Mamma Mia 2?

The point is, those wolves
aren't named after you.

[Elaine] Ingrid...

..you help with the books,
don't you?

Erm, if by "help with
the books", you mean,

"You illustrated every single
one of them," yes.

Yes, I do.

And is it true that the wolves
are named after...

thingy and thingy?

Erm, after the director
of The Graduate

and the writer of The Bird Cage?

Well, I just...

I can't believe you're even
asking me that question.

I mean, yes!
Of course it's true!

-I don't know I believe her.
-Neither do I.

Oh, the phone, I found it!

Oh, yes, well done, Austin.
Where was it?

It was just under the cushion.
Shall we take the photo now?

Here you are. Give it here.

Austin, isn't your grandmother

the most attractive woman
you've ever seen?

I'm not really sure
if it's appropriate

for me to comment on that,
but yes.

Your grandfather's
still my stallion.

Grr.

Would you like to take
a photo of me as well?

Oh, no, I don't think
there's enough battery.

-We like you, Austin.
-Thanks.

We're going to give you the
number for the mobile phone.

-Thank you.
-It's turned off after 6pm.

Saves the battery.

Ah, right. Erm...
[Austin clears throat]

Grandma, do you happen to have
any old photos of my dad?

I'm not sure.
We might have got rid of them

during the last clear-out.

No, you wanted to, but I said
keep some back just in case.

Oh, yes, and they're down there,

under the board games
and the takeaway leaflets.

I know my place.
[Julian chuckles]

Would you like some tea, Austin?

Please and thank you.

Now, that's a lovely picture.

Now, what era of your father's
life

would you like to look at?

Could I possibly see
a photograph of Dad back in 1995

when he was at the peak
of his artistic powers?

And his hair was also
in a really good place?

Coming right up.

There's me and Mike
doing keep fit.

Ooh, that one's a bit saucy.

You must have at least one
photo of me from the '90s.

Here we are, look.

There's your dad and Ingrid
on one of their first dates.

-That's actually my mother.
-So it is.

-Isn't she pretty?
-I suppose she is.

The Elaine and Mike characters

weren't named after
Nichols and May, were they?

Oh, God, no.
Named after Mum and Dad.

[Ingrid gasps] Oh, God. Heidi.

The Australian producers
are calling us tonight.

Well... Well, that's got
to be good, isn't it?

They wouldn't call
if they didn't want the show.

But they might say
they don't want it now.

They could be saying that
they'll just keep us in mind

if they get a space available
on their slate.

Or they could be calling
to yell at us

for not accepting their
original offer two years ago.

OK, but now are we spiraling?

-Yeah, spiraling.
-We're spiraling.

Oh, I don't want to be like
my dad.

I don't want to be the sort of
person that never compromises.

Oh, Julian,

I think you are the opposite

of your dad in every single way.

And believe me,
there is no higher compliment.

Thank you. Thanks for having
my back in there, by the way.

Sensei.

Sensei.

Let's be joint
creative directors.

-Joint creative directors?
-Mm.

Yeah, that could work.

You know,
if they don't buy the show,

it's at least allowed us

to dream
of keeping Big Bear alive,

and occasionally shopping
from the Tesco Finest range.

I think you're a genius.

-I think YOU'RE a genius.
-Oh, no, you're the genius.

You're more of a genius
than I am.

I'm more of a genius
than you are?

Sorry to break
a tender moment, guys,

but just a friendly reminder
that you're not exactly alone.

But feel free to continue
when I'm not present.

Sorry, Austin. Absolutely fair
enough, in fact.

They you are. Oof!

Hey, Dad, I've just spoken
to my stepmother

and I think we need
to make a pact.

No more lies.

Sure. I'm sorry.

I find it really difficult

talking about my relationship
with my parents.

It was tough growing up, being
the least favorite child,

especially when there's only
one of you.

That is quite sad, I'll admit.

But still, no more lies.

Sure. What do you think?

Would you be tempted
back into the marital bed?

On that subject, may I suggest
that you try this?

It's called Manifestation,

the scent of rare leathers
and burnt driftwood.

Mm. Ooh, yeah.

-That was an air dab.
-That was not an air dab.

Flesh and cologne must meet.

We agreed on no more lies,
remember?

Perfect.

Smells very, erm, Australian.

Trust me, Dad,
this is bound to help you.

Yeah, that'll keep
the flies off.

[Roy] Ugh!

Still got a headache
that'd kill a small buffalo.

We've been back for weeks, Dad.

Besides, I thought you said
jet lag was God's way

of saying you should have
flown premium economy.

I think God's turned his back
on premium economy.

[phone rings]

Ooh!

Hello, sweetheart!

Mum, I have some exciting news.

My book has been picked up
by a major publisher.

-You bloody legend!
-Marvellous!

I was tasked with providing
them my British origin story,

which covered everything
from where I was conceived...

Oh, well, Austin,
that's disgusting.

..to where I live now.

But what's more interesting

is the screenshot
I just sent you.

It's the Google Street View

of my father
and stepmother's house.

And if you'll notice, there's
a car parked out the front.

-Yeah?
-Yeah?

Now zoom in and take a gander
at the two people inside it.

Do they seem familiar to you?

Because they seem familiar
to me.

Austin, love,
I think we're breaking up.

I can't hear you very well.

Mum, we're on a Wi-Fi call.
It doesn't break up.

It's all right,
I've pulled the Wi-Fi.

Grandad, when you pull the
Wi-Fi out of the modem,

the mobile data
automatically takes over.

I know you did what you did
because you love me.

But in future, it would be nice

if that love was expressed
in a more legal way.

-He's totally onto us.
-I've gotta somehow spin this.

Grandad, I can still hear you.

You just turned
your speaker off.

Oh, bugger.

[Ingrid] Does this taste
of air freshener?

Oh, no, that's,
er, Manifestation.

Aftershave.
Austin insisted I wore it.

It's the smell
of an airport bathroom.

Thank you.

That's one of the more
upscale bathrooms

you've accused me
of smelling like.

[Julian chuckles]

Erm, something I've been
meaning to ask you, actually.

That's strange.

Something I've been meaning
to ask you too.

Oh, you first.

Well, I believe that we have
been experiencing

something of a rapprochement.

Certainement.

-We're getting on better.
-Yeah, definitely.

And while my feminine power
absolutely rocks

and I will surrender it
for no man...

Natch.

..I do still find you
very, very...

[phone rings]

Hi!

[Heidi laughs] Hi!

Hey, erm, I've, erm...

I've actually got Agatha
on the line,

the executive producer
from Twee TV in Australia.

G'day! It's g'night here.

Ooh, hello.

Top of the morning to you.
A-ha! So great, so great.

[chuckles]

Hey, I just want to say
thank you for remembering us.

[chuckles]

Although we...
we remembered you too.

The second thing
I want to say is...

we want to buy your show.

Oh, that's so fantastic to hear.

Yeah, we actually have
40 territories worldwide

who want a live action
version of Big Bear.

However, 36 of those 40

don't want Julian anywhere
near the project.

But that means that they are
willing to accept 50...

Sorry, er,
you don't want me what?

No, Julian,
this is a good thing.

How?

Yes, you may miss
the first two seasons.

But just imagine the impact
you can have when we secretly,

just quietly,
bring you back after that.

Oh, right, yeah, after
you've won all the awards

and everyone hates each other?

Yeah, you'll be our little
rocket booster.

[chuckles]

Well, that doesn't sound
patronizing!

Hey, I know you're not
a bad guy,

and I can't wait to work with
you

in three to four years' time.

Well, I wish you all the best.

And Ingrid, I just wanna say
I can't wait to work with you

as the creative director
on Big Bear.

And for you to get
the best possible outcome

for the Bearniverse.

-Thanks so much, Agatha.
-No, thank you.

Ooh. Well, that's a turn-up.

I don't really want
to talk about it.

I don't suppose you want to talk

about WHY you don't want
to talk about it?

Not really, no.

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