All language subtitles for Austin s02e01.eng

[phone chimes]

[sighs]

-Ooh. Hi.
-Oh!

-Mm!
-Mm!

It was really nice of Dad

to come and support
the exhibition last night,

wasn't it?

Define "support".
He was very late.

Yeah, he was probably very shy.

That... naked drawing of him
is not flattering.

Oh, it is, believe me.

Mum, when are you gonna
come back into the house,

leave the shed?

Why would I do that?
I've got my independence.

Celebrate with me, daughter,
for I am coming into my power.

Mum, you're sleeping in a shed.

Don't see how that's
a power move.

It's a cradle of creativity.

So, Olivia saw you
in the garden centre,

and she said, and I quote,
you were giving "gnomecore".

-That's good, right?
-No.

Look, maybe Dad isn't so bad.

Maybe there's more pluses
than minuses.

Well, let's put that
to the test, shall we?

I will keep a tally
over the next sort of day or so,

and we'll see how he performs.

-It's a bit weird.
-Is it weird, or is it thorough?

I mean, the thing is, Flo,

I don't know
that I actually need him.

Why do we actually need men,
Flo?

I mean, what are they for?

You know,
apart from opening jam jars.

Maybe what I really need
is to move into a commune

of other women over 50,
who all, you know,

are emotionally intelligent
and share the load.

Yeah, and, like, sing.

Well, yeah, no,
and also useful things,

like stack the dishwasher.

I stack the dishwasher.

-Big news, by the way.
-Mm-hm?

I'm not his father.

-What did you say?
-Austin. I'm not his dad.

DNA test came back last night.

Negative. Not related.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, so I...
I don't have a brother?

I know! [he chuckles]

-I'm so sorry, Flo.
-Why? It's good news for her.

You know, the house,
Granny's jewellery.

Julian, are you having
any feelings about this at all?

Course, yeah. I'm experiencing
quite a lot of relief.

He's processing. He's just...

His feelings are just coming
in the post.

Yeah, and not by airmail.

When you think about it,
it's quite a funny story.

Austin's gonna be
completely floored by this.

I mean, you're...
you're really important to him.

I mean, not as important
as buses, admittedly,

but, I mean,
you're still important.

No, no, I know. I know, I know.

Dad, how are you gonna
break this to him?

-Probably by text.
-I was thinking verbally.

-OK.
-Huh.

Face to face. He's earned that.

Yeah, I mean, you could start

with something
good and positive,

and then the bad news,
and then something else good.

You know, your standard
bombshell sandwich.

-Like it.
-Yeah, so,

"Hey, Austin,
I've really enjoyed

having you to stay with us.

"Also, you're not my son.

"Also, great shoes!"

Maybe needs
a bit of finessing, but...

Oh, you're doing that,
are you? Yeah?

Julian, could you open
that jam jar for me?

What?
I've just put on hand cream.

[faint announcement over tannoy]

-[phone chimes]
-Oh, look - from Austin.

Oh, DNA result's in.

"Julian not father."

What the hell?!

-Oh!
-[phone clatters]

I just had that fixed.

Did you hear that, Dad?
Can you text him, please?

-Ask him what he means.
-My phone's in my luggage.

-What?
-Why would I need it?

I'm about to have 250 hours
of on-demand viewing, 4K.

-"Julian not father"?
-Keep your voice down, love.

We'll be at the talk
of the Premium Lounge.

OK, let's do the maths.

The, uh, female gestation period
is... what?

20 weeks, 25?

It's 40 weeks, Dad.

Are you serious?
That's the best part of a year.

Well, hats off to you girls.
That's a commitment.

Look, Dad, as much as I'd like
to while away the next two hours

doing the maths around my sexual
encounters, there's no need to.

It can't be this other guy.
I think.

-You think?
-I don't know, Dad.

It was a long time ago.

Also, those little guys
can hang around in there.

It's the survivors that make it.
Tough little nuts.

-Talking about sperms.
-I got it, Dad. I got it.

-Hi, Austin.
-Morning.

Nice swans.

They're not swans,
they're cranes.

And "nice"
is the enemy of "great".

That's very true.

Listen, Austin,

there's something
I need to tell you.

I had an email last night,
our DNA results.

Yes, I know. Negative.
I also got that email.

-And I read it in bed.
-Why didn't you come downstairs?

I was trying to get to sleep.
It was quarter to midnight.

That's an hour and
fifteen minutes behind schedule.

How'd that go?
Looks like maybe not well.

I eventually drifted off
from sheer exhaustion.

But then not long after that,
the lab called me.

The lab? What, the DNA lab?

Well, he doesn't mean
a Labrador, does he, Julian?

Apparently, they have
someone else on file

whose DNA
is a 50% match with me.

-What?
-Long story short,

my real dad is a 58-year-old man
living in Northampton.

Oh, my gosh.

This brings things into focus,
doesn't it?

Mel was seeing someone else.

Well,
you were seeing someone else.

-Who?
-Me!

Oh, right.
Still sorry, by the way.

The lab asked me
if I was willing

to share my contact details
with this person...

-What did you say?
-..and I agreed to it.

Oh, wow, Austin. That is...
That's a lot to process.

I must warn you,
it may get emotional for you.

But so far,
I'm finding that the best way

to handle this is via origami.

Also, if one of you could
nip around to the newsagent

and get me another ream
of decent-weight paper,

that would be
deeply appreciated.

OK. Right.

Thank you for providing me
this exchange of details.

Much appreciated.

Hey, guys, I have some big news.

DNA Done have connected me

with my
biologically matched father,

and he's agreed to meet with me.

I am now in possession
of his phone number.

Oh, my God.
Austin, that's so soon.

What are you going to do?
Are you going to phone him?

-I prefer text messaging.
-Yeah.

Well, see,
in this instance, Austin,

it is probably better to...

OK, too late. He's texted.

I'm hoping to set up a meeting
with this man,

and assuming that he accepts me
as his "issue",

I'll ask him to provide me
with lodgings

for the remainder of my time
in the UK.

I've already packed up
most of my things.

Austin! Austin,
you don't have to do that.

-No.
-Oh, goodness me.

Go on, go and unpack.

And of course you can
carry on staying here.

No, you can stay with us
as long as you want.

Yeah, well, within reason.

Dad - I mean, Julian - what's
gonna happen with my book now?

Ah, yeah. Now, erm...

Book? What book?

Dad - I mean, Julian -

has offered to publish
my Guide To Britain.

Oh. "Dad-I-mean-Julian" has,
has he?

That's uncharacteristically
generous of him.

How many copies were you
thinking of self-publishing?

A small, you know,
possible print run of, say, 500?

So �5,000.

And you're gonna have to do one
for Florence as well,

so that makes �10,000.

Yes, just cos I'm an artist,
doesn't mean I'm bad at maths.

�10,000, that just seems
like an awful lot

for an unemployed man
to be spending.

Florence hasn't even
written a book.

Yeah, well, that's immaterial.

Newsflash,
this is what you have to do

-when you have two children.
-I haven't.

But you did
when you made the offer.

We aren't gonna publish a book
by Florence,

cos I'm not gonna publish one
by him now.

He's not even my son.

Well, certainly, it's probably
due a rethink, isn't it?

You know, maybe we come at this
from a different angle,

make it an online thing.

Yeah,
we could probably make this

an online thing as well.

What are you writing
in that book?

Absolutely nothing.

-Florence.
-Jesus Christ.

Do you think you could...

if you're talking
to your mum anyway...?

-Oh, put in a good word for you?
-In a word, yes.

I need this. We need this, hmm?

Do you wanna come
from a broken home?

Oh, two Christmas dinners,

two lots of birthday presents,
you know?

No, I'm joking.

I mean, a little, but, you know,

I don't know what I can say
to bring her back to you.

Tell her that I'm sorry for all
the times I haven't measured up,

which I genuinely am.

-Oh, OK.
-And tell her I've changed.

Oh, have you?

Well, I probably will,
you know, if required to do so.

And, erm,

see if you can coax her
back into the marital bed.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Dad, nobody wants to hear
their parents talk about sex.

Well, that's a silly thing
to feel awkward about.

Oh! Oh, OK. Well, then,

how about you think about
your mum and dad having sex?

-Er...
-How does it make you feel?

-Strange.
-OK.

So when it comes to conjugal
issues, you can just...

you can just talk to Mum
about that on your own.

Hey, everyone,
he's texted me back.

-He's invited me to Northampton.
-Oh.

As previously mentioned,
that's where he lives.

Great, let's go.
Shall I drive us?

-No.
-No.

No, you're right.

The M1 will be a nightmare,
won't it?

I'll book train tickets.

Julian, you're being
very enthusiastic.

I'm being supportive.

You're supporting him
right out the door.

Austin loves trains.

I really resent it
when people assume that,

because that is
kind of a stereotype of autism.

And also, it's railways.

Come on, then.
Help me pick out some tickets.

Northampton sounds quite regal.
I mean, it is a Hampton.

Assuming that
it's the original Hampton.

Yeah, maybe you reserve
your judgement on that.

-You OK, Bubs?
-Yeah.

I just can't believe I'm losing
the brother I never knew I had.

Mm, I know.

A good Hartswood man
is too much to hope for.

Mm.

The women, on the other hand...

Guys, er, first class
is at the other end, I think.

[over tannoy]
Due to an earlier cancellation,

the train about
to arrive on platform one

will be declassified.

Shit, it's been declassified.

We're gonna have
to grab our seats.

It's gonna be anarchy.

Big day for you, Austin.

If you want to talk
about your feelings, I'm...

I'm actually feeling
a range of emotions.

Yeah.

Most of them
are quite unpleasant.

I've been trying to cram facts
about Northampton on Wikipedia,

but for some reason,
I can't read on trains.

-Stop sheep-dogging us.
-Shepherding, yeah.

You want my advice?
Just enjoy it.

Enjoy it?
Seriously, that's your advice?

Yeah - for a writer,
no experience is wasted.

Finding out
who your real dad is,

that's an intense moment
very few people experience.

Austin's getting it twice
in a year. Gold mining material.

So, if this train were to crash,

and the three of us were to be
dragged from the wreckage,

barely alive, there would be
a part of you thinking,

"Oh, goody, a trauma
I can write about for cash."

Only way
to get a book deal these days.

Well, it is true,
now I think about it.

If you guys will excuse me,

I'm going to urinate
and obtain snacks.

Think he's gonna be all right?
Not gonna take a wrong turn?

-No, he's not. It's a train.
-He's fine.

Actually, while he's gone,

there is something I've been
meaning to ask you, actually.

I think you should come back
to the house.

Are you aware that sounds
like an order, not a request?

Would you kindly return
to the house?

Better, but no.

Must be some way of saying it
that makes it sound OK.

Well, maybe there isn't.

Has that thought
occurred to you?

Just thought
you'd be about ready.

I'm not a cake, Julian.

[whispers] God.

Oh, wait a minute.

I see what's going on here.
Are you marking me?

How is it up there
on the moral high ground?

-Breezy.
-Hm.

Don't tell me
there's not a little bit of you

that's relieved he's not my son.

How dare you.

All right,
invite him for Christmas.

We always go to the Loch
for Christmas.

We're the Dons!
We're the Dons! We're the Dons!

We're the Dons! We're the Dons!
We're the Dons!

We're the Dons! We're the Dons!

[they cheer]

Just as I feared - the nightmare
of declassification.

-Using your plug, mate?
-No, but, er...

No? Cheers, mate.
Top man. Legend.

Just as long as they don't play

two types of music
at the same time.

Can somebody please remove
this cable?

Thank you.

Oi, oi, it's Sherlock Holmes!
You all right, Sherlock, mate?

I assume you must be referring
to the deerstalker hat.

Fun fact, Sherlock Holmes,

as described
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

never actually wore one.

-[they laugh]
-This bloke's a proper boffin.

You should go on The Chase,
mate.

Do you want a beer, bruv?

I'll pass, thank you kindly.

-Why not?
-It's nothing personal.

I just wish to remain
in full control of my senses,

and fizzy drinks make me gassy.

[they laugh]

[Ingrid]
You have to handle this.

[Julian] I am handling it.

How are you?
You're not doing anything.

-I'm biding.
-Biding?

Yeah, biding, you know.

Gets any worse,

I may move to glowering,
quite possibly tutting.

Why don't you handle it?

If it was a ski lift,
yeah, sure.

I can't handle it
in this situation.

They'll call me a Karen,

and then I cannot be held
responsible for my actions.

I'll go full Nightbitch.
I might bite someone.

-Here, lads.
-[they cheer]

Hey! Hey, I...

Hey!

Hey, I need that
to impress my father!

[they laugh]

Lads, you've had your fun.
Give him his hat back.

Who are you, mate?
Sherlock's dad?

On the contrary, this man

happens to be the author
of the Big Bear books.

-Thanks, Austin.
-Oh, what,

Big Bear Goes To The Toilet?

No, it's Big Bear Learns
To Use The Toilet, actually.

And it won
a Toddler's Choice Book Award.

-[they laugh]
-Thank you, darling.

I've got this. I'm serious.
The hat.

Or what?

Or... else?

[all] Oooh!

-Or else what?
-This yours, is it?

OK, I'm giving you five seconds.
I'm warning you.

I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Three seconds now.

-One... Give me the hat back!
-No, no, no, no!

-[whistle blows]
-There you go, Austin.

Bag out the train, he chucked
your bag out the train!

[all] Bag out the train,

he chucked
your bag out the train!

-[they cheer]
-Hey, that's not funny!

[siren wails]

Erm, H-A-R-T-S-W-O-O-D.

-Occupation?
-Er, children's author.

Anything I might know?

The Big Bear series?

I see.

Do you think Big Bear

would have thrown
someone's bag out of a train?

Well, if there was
a perceived injustice...

No. No, Big Bear
would have used his words.

Yes. Yes, he would.

-So, whic-Ah.e is it?
--This one. Yeah.

So, Austin, are you feeling,
er, ready for this?

-Uh, not really.
-Austin, wait.

Er, just... Before you go in,

I wanted to say
how much I've valued

the time
that we've spent together,

and, you know,

even though I'm not
your biological father...

..I love you.

I did warn you
it could get emotional.

Post's arrived by boat.

[Julian stammers]

I love you too, Dad.
I mean, Julian.

Of course I still wanna publish
your book.

I mean,
if you'll do me that honour.

And Ingrid agrees.

Yeah, of course.

And you must come
and spend Christmas with us.

Yeah, we're family,
whatever a DNA test says.

[Julian exhales deeply]

[Ingrid sniffles]

[Ingrid exhales deeply]

I found all of that
quite uncomfortable

but also pretty lovely.

-Go on, then.
-Go on, then.

Go and meet your real dad.

-Connor Webster?
-Austin Hogan?

I'm your son.

Now, I'm not a scientist,

but I think
there's probably been

some sort of mistake or mix-up
at the lab.

It's only me, love!

Hen weekend was cancelled.

Gastric flu. Amy was the first.

Now they're all dropping
like... flies.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Sorry, who are you?
What's going on?

I did a DNA test.

What?

The company called me to tell me

there was someone on file
who was a match.

-A possible son.
-What?!

But, look, it's fine.

There's obviously been
some kind of mix-up.

[they chuckle]

I mean, I don't think
this young man is my son.

Hi, I'm Austin.
Good to meet you.

Hang on, hang on.

Why did you think you might have
a son you didn't know about?

I didn't. I... I was confused.

Why were you getting a DNA test
in the first place?

Oh, is this about the DNA test?
Is the results back?

-You knew about this?
-Yeah.

You were spending a lot of time
with Nigel back then,

and I just needed to know.

-Hello?
-Oh, my God!

He was my skating partner!

Guys, er, sorry, it's the lab.

Erm, you say you have
someone on file

who's a close DNA relative,
possibly a son?

You've got two sets of results
mixed up.

[she sighs irritably]

Ah, you're not Connor Webster?

I am Julian Hartswood.

Yes, I have your results here,
Mr Hartswood.

It looks like we have someone
on file who is a match.

Is it by any chance
Austin Hogan?

Well, I'll need
the other person's permission.

-You say.
-This is Austin Hogan.

If it is me,
you have my permission.

Yes, you are a 50% DNA match
with Austin Hogan.

-Yes!
-Wow. Well, that is fantastic.

However,
you do need to make sure

this doesn't happen again.

You have caused us
considerable emotional distress.

We've had to come
to Northampton - no offence.

I'm sorry, Mr Hartswood.

By way of compensation,

I could offer you
a free DNA test.

Free DNA test?
Why would I want another one?

I don't know.

If you had another child
you wanted

to check the paternity of, or..

OK, yeah, well, stick one
in the post.

May as well if it's free.

[whispers]
Let's get out of here. Shall we?

-Shall we...?
-Shall we?

Thank you so much for having us.

Yeah, thanks.

-It was so nice to meet you.
-Thanks so much, yeah.

-And we wish you... Yeah.
-Yeah.

-All the best.
-Forgot my bag, sorry.

[faint arguing]

Who knew?

Maybe we're not Britain's

most dysfunctional
couple after all.

-Shall we call a cab?
-Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

Ah, may I suggest that we call
from around the corner?

-Good idea.
-[arguing continues]

Also, we need to tell Florence
the good news.

Ooh!

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

-Good to have you back, son.
-Great to be back, Dad.

-Anyone fancy a hot chocolate?
-Ooh!

-Champagne?
-After you.

Oh, Austin.

Oh, I have 14 missed calls
from my mother.

I guess I'd better go tell her
the good news

that I'm not related to Connor
from Northampton after all.

You need to get an early night.
You've got a book to finish.

I'll bring
your hot chocolate up.

Thanks, Dad.

-Oh, Flo?
-Yeah?

Do you want us to publish a book
by you as well?

Erm, yeah, cool, yeah.

Oh,
and do you want a hot chocolate?

Oh, Dad,
I'm actually on the phone.

But, yeah, please,
that'd be great.

Ah. What about you?
Would you like a hot choc?

What about me? What about you?

What about all of us, hmm?

It's official. Austin's in.

Yeah.

And that doesn't have
to be a bad thing.

I mean, it's an opportunity
for us to have a complete reset.

-Totally.
-Isn't it?

So, do you want a hot chocolate,
or, er...?

-Er... Goddess Tea, please.
-Goddess Tea coming right up.

Do you think I've let myself go?

Hm?

It's just
one of Florence's friends said

I was channelling gnomecore.

-Gnomecore?
-Gnomecore.

Actually, I can work with that.

Kinky.

How did I do, by the way,
in your little score book?

Oh,
it's just a childish little...

You did better
as the day went on.

Still room for improvement,
though.

Room for improvement.

-Mm.
-OK.

So, what would this, er,

ruddy-cheeked, white-bearded,
pot-bellied gnome have to do

to lure this...

-Beautiful.
-..gnome back into their abode?

You wanna fish in my pond,

you're gonna have
to get a bigger worm.

[he chuckles]

I have no idea what that means,
and I don't think you do either.

It means
stop taking me for granted.

Try a bit harder.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the silver mine
at the bottom of the garden.

Well, I don't suppose
you could stay now and,

you know, let me earn it later?

This gnome ain't for turning.
Is that too much gnome?

Can there ever be
too much gnome?

I don't think I really want
to encourage the gnome thing.

-Just be our little secret.
-Yeah.

Night.

-Night.
-[door closes]

Austin's Guide To Britain.

Chapter nine...

..Northampton.

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