All language subtitles for Austin s01e05 Looking for Billie.eng

I need to tell you that it's
looking like

this documentary
is not gonna happen.

Just do the documentary.

I'd really like to go to London
on my own, as an adult.

We go together or not at all.

I've just had a brilliant idea -
we book an extra ticket for Austin

but we don't tell him.

Because autistic people are famously
good with surprises.

I'm going to Great Britain!
I've gotta pack.

Where's my dinner jacket?
Is it pressed?

You look after him,
or I'll chop your nuts off.

(BIG BEN CHIMES)

Couldn't sleep either, eh?
Oh!

This jet-lag is very disconcerting.

I ate almost continuously
for 24 hours

but now I'm hungry again.

Same here. I'm all
at sixes and sevens.

Good morning.
Hello, Ingrid.

Ah, you like cooking.

Making sandwiches doesn't
really count as cooking.

Well, it looks interesting.
Thanks.

Would you care for a bite?

I don't know.

No need to be alarmed.
It's the chemistry of flavour.

Or basic science,
as I prefer to call it.

Help yourselves.
OK.

Well, you're in Great Britain now

and what we do
when we eat sandwiches

is say, "God save the King."

God save the King.
God save the King.

Oh.
Ah! Ooh.

Oh-ho! What is that like?

A fair-trade wasabi chocolate bar

or is it quite a lot
more like that stuff

we used to paint on Florence's
nails to stop her biting them?

Actually, it's not. This is chocolate
spread with English mustard.

Mmm. I like it.
That makes two of us, Dad.

Well, two against one.
(RETCHES)

You OK?
I can't feel my tongue!

(LIVELY MUSIC)

"Mother, I am now
approximately 16,993km away.

"I ate all six in-flight meals

"and I must..." Oh, OK.

He's listed everything he's eaten.

Ooh, I think I'm having
separation anxiety.

Or, like...phantom child pain?
Is that a thing?

I mean, I've got a pain
in my right arm.

Well, it could be that...
or a heart attack.

Did you feel like this, Dad,
when I went overseas?

No, not at all.

The doctor said
my heart-rate steadied

and that pain in my jaw - gone.

I missed you terribly.

JULIAN: Toast
and cold-extracted honey?

Oh, actually,
could I try the Marmite?

What?
Do you know what?

I'm not sure I feel like toast.
You always have toast.

I make you toast every morning.
I know.

But I mean, you do that
without asking me.

That is a gigantic assumption.
Yeah but you like toast!

Do I, though? Do I, actually?
I don't know that I do.

You know what? I think...
Can I try...can I try the muesli?

What?
(PHONE BLEEPS)

Who is that?
Oh, it's just Heidi.

I'm meeting her for lunch.
Ooh, great.

We can update her on the
documentary.

Uh, no, I mean it's just me,
actually, and, um...and Yolanda.

Yolanda? But I need Yolanda!

I'm, uh, taking Austin round London.

You know, it's gonna be
some really valuable stuff.

Some really moody, emotive emotions.

I mean, a lunch -

is that really a subject
for a serious documentarian?

Sorry, Julian - is this documentary
entirely about you?

No.
No.

No, of course not.
You have carpet in your bathroom?!

I can't believe I didn't
notice that last night.

It's actually the original.
I'm not sure it's very hygienic.

Yeah, well, it's soft underfoot.
He has very sensitive soles.

And cosy, when not damp.

We were just talking about today
and, uh...yeah.

Now that we don't have a camera,
I was thinking...

maybe we just chill out at home.

So you want me to put my life on hold
until a camera becomes available?

No! No. I mean, I...I can do things
without filming them.

Can you, still?
Would you like to go sight-seeing?

Well, I do happen to have
a collection of ideas.

As you know, I've always had
a strong passion for British culture.

You have mentioned that, yeah.

And there's someone I've long admired
for their British sensibilities,

their sophistication and manners.

Is it Jarvis Cocker? I think
it should be Jarvis Cocker.

I love Jarvis Cocker.
No, it is not whoever that person is.

It's Billie Piper.

Yes, of course.

The singer-turned-actor,
star of screen and stage,

my long-time favourite
Doctor Who companion

and she's also the co-creator of
a certain streaming hit known as...

BOTH: I Hate Suzie.

So what I mostly want to do today

is visit landmarks of her career

from 1998 to 2015.

You do know that Madame Tussaud's

is basically chock-full
of famous British people

and they're all in one place?

No?

No. I see.

A touring retrospective
of Billie Piper's career

sounds absolutely wonderful.

The only problem with that

is it could take weeks or months
to organise.

Actually, that's been sorted and paid
for through Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

As they like to say, "You name the
person, we set up the excursion."

Ooh, that's a half-rhyme.
I very much fear it's real.

When did you do this?
Before I left Australia.

Via the World Wide Web.

Well, fellas, that sounds
completely amazing

but unfortunately, I have this lunch
that isn't gonna eat itself, so...

Don't worry, stepmother -

I'll provide you with
a minute-by-minute report

when Dad and I get back.

You don't like that, do you?

Mmm.

I hope this isn't something
that you feel obligated to do, Dad.

I'm more than happy to go alone.

No, on the contrary - I'm curious to
see what a bespoke tour looks like.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

(CAR BACKFIRES)

And whether it's possible to remain
unmurdered taking part in one.

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

Good morning! Good morning,
good morning!

And welcome
to Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

Yes. I call my van 'Flattery',
because it'll get you nowhere!

(CHORTLES)

My jokes could be worse -
they could me mine.

Alright. The Billie Piper Tour.

Thank you for suggesting this,
Austin. It's one of my favourites.

My pleasure.
Yes. So...

Oh! Before we start, I should
just declare a small conflict.

Yeah...
Do you know Billie personally?

Pfft! Well...

I played Paramedic Number 3

in season 2
of Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

Alas, I didn't have any
actual scenes with Billie

but I did converse with her
at the craft services table.

What did you say?
I said hello.

And what did she say?

She said hello back. You know?

And then she said...

"Would you mind
passing the soy sauce?"

Then she smiled.

Then she took her sushi back to
her trailer. That's how she rolls.

That's it?
Mmm.

He spoke to Billie Piper,
for god's sake - hello!

And I passed her the soy sauce.

Yeah, it was a wonderful story,
Gawain.

I feel I've learned not just
about Billie Piper

but the entire human condition.

I just wonder if the story
might be even further improved

by the addition of some content
and a point.

Don't mind Dad, Gawain.
He's a writer.

Oh! Oh, right, yeah.
What other TV shows were you on?

Oh! Well, let's see.
How long have you got?

Uh...ooh, Casualty, Cambridge Spies,

Party Animals, The Bill, uh...

I was what was known as a 20-worder,

which is a term used to describe
a very good actor

whom the industry have deemed

unfit to say any more
than 20 words per episode.

Why is that?
'Cause I didn't go to Eton, Austin.

That sucks.

Alright!

Buckle up and let's go
to the first location

on the Billie Piper
Magical Mystery Tour!

(PHONE RINGS)

Heidi! Heidi.

Heidi, what's this
about a lunch without me?

Never mind that. I just wanted to
talk to you before you saw the news.

Oh, no. What now? Oh, my heart.

No, no. It's really...it's nothing.

I mean... No, actually,
it's a little bit bad.

Heidi, spit it out.

Big Bear's image has been used
to promote a Proud Boys rally.

What?
Yeah, I know.

Not ideal. He's on some fliers,
a poster or two, some banners...

Not ideal?! Oh, poor Big Bear!

Oh, they're using your image too,
obviously.

Oh, fantastic. That is fantastic.

And Ingrid? What about her face?

Well, I guess one of the perks

of you stealing the limelight
all these years

is that so far,
Ingrid has escaped the fire.

Well, what are we going to do?
This is a disaster!

Well, I am trying to get you
an appointment

with this really great
defamation lawyer

who specialises in online cleansing.

She works out of an office
in Shepherd's Bush.

I'll let you know
what time she can do.

We'll just nip this in the bud

before they erect a shrine
with your face on it

in their underground bunker.

That's not a good thing, Julian.
OK. Fine. Have a nice lunch.

Thanks.

Right. Billie Piper.

My attention is 100%
on Billie Piper.

Oh, good.

Is everything alright at home?
Is everything OK?

It's fine.

A banner? What...what,
of our baby bear?

It'll be fine. You know? I mean,
no-one will see it.

Uh, m-maybe... I...I'll fix it!

And there is a plan.
Will...will you, though? Will you?

I'm trying, Ingrid!
You know, I mean...

This is me being open, transparent!

This is our life's work!

Big Bear is destroyed!

Well, he hasn't been destroyed.
He's just...gone into hibernation.

He's not hibernating, Julian.

He's been caught
in a very violent trap.

He's probably left a foot behind.
He's losing a lot of blood.

He's...hopping through the forest,
being trailed by a hunter,

who's about to turn him into an
ornamental rug for Nazis!

Well, I'll say it again,
you know? I...

Bye.
(SIGHS)

Sorry, gentlemen.
OK! Stop number two!

What's this, Gawain?

Well, this is a... Ooh.

This is a sleep centre.

It's where adults go to learn
what babies do naturally.

Great. Wonderful. Why are we here?

Well, what a lot of people
don't know

is that at the height
of her career...

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

..Billie suffered from insomnia.

So this is where
her insomnia was treated?

It's where it should have
been treated.

I think it would have
given her a lot of comfort.

Ooh, and as a side note,
just down that road there

is a restaurant where I once
declined to share a tiramisu dessert

with my then-girlfriend

and she broke up with me!

I'm very sorry to hear that, Gawain.

If only I'd parted
with a couple of spoonfuls,

life would have been
quite different!

(GRUNTS)
Excuse me, uh, Gawain.

I wonder if we might
skip a bit of Billie's life

and quite a lot of yours

and go straight to BBC TV Centre
in Sheperd's Bush,

where they would have discussed
casting Billie in Doctor Who,

even though she probably never
set foot in the building,

because the show itself
is filmed 149 miles away.

So we're gonna skip the apartment
Billie lived in

when she was performing Reasons
To Be Pretty at the Almeida Theatre?

Where's that apartment?

Belsize Park.
Well, that's, um...

North. You have the street address,
don't you, Gawain?

He's not gonna have
the street address!

All he's done so far is taken us
to a couple of random buildings

and pretended they have
something to do with Billie Piper.

Uh, 33 England's Lane, Belsize Park.

Since Austin's paid...

..I'm inclined to follow
his direction, sir.

Northwards!

INGRID: This is so exciting.

What do you think is the first step
for my book?

Should we, um, meet with
the publishers, or maybe...

I guess we need to scope out
a marketing strategy...

I think the first thing
is to come up with a good idea.

Yeah, I mean, obviously,
but that's the easy bit.

Yes and I...
I don't tend to have ideas.

Ideas just kind of find me.

Find you! Right.
Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, firstly,
we could surround you

with a few key people,
a supportive network that...

No. No, because I want to do this
on my own.

This is my solo debut.

This is my George Michael
I-Want-To-Break-Free moment.

That's Queen.
Whatever.

I want to illustrate this
and write it.

Authorstrator.

Illustrauthor. Both.

Right.

Uh, well, sometimes when your
area of expertise is one thing

and you're trying to do another,
it can be...

No, because just because I'm known
for doing one thing,

that doesn't mean I can't
do another thing.

It might be indicative.
No, Ringo.

Ringo - not known as a lyricist.
Octopus's Garden.

Any good?
But that's...that isn't...

That's not the point.

In terms of idea generation,
there is one person...

But I've got so many ideas!
So, so many ideas!

It would take a massive tractor

to plough the fertile fields
of my imagination.

Seriously, I've got so many ideas,

the right side of my brain is
actually making this eyelid droop.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.
It hurts!

Well...like?
Well, yeah.

So...

Quite excited.

I've been toying with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.

It's called Coo-cuckoo.

And...done a few
preliminary sketches.

Like...massive cuckoo in a nest,

going, "Cuckoo-ooh.

"Cooo-cooo!

"Cuckoo!

"Cuck-oh!"

And then, like, in bigger font,

"Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

"Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Like, that would be
in a larger font.

Bit repetitive.

No, because I'm going to use
a really interesting typeface.

Right. Any other ideas?

Well, I...I think one...

Thank you.

..brilliant idea is so much better
than millions of shit ones.

I completely agree.

Now, this is the building

in which Billie Piper won
GQ Woman of the Year, 2006.

I thought she was presented with
that award at the Royal Opera House.

She was presented with the award
at the Royal Opera House, yes,

but it was in this location

that GQ's best and brightest
decided she should win that award.

I imagine the selection process
was quite robust.

Lily Allen would have had
her supporters.

As would Kate Winslet.
(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

Amy Winehouse.
Her Majesty, the Queen.

2006 was a very competitive year
for British women.

Oh! Ooh, ooh. And you see...
you see that cafe just there?

Yeah.

That's where my father told me
he was very ill

and only had six weeks to live.

I was only 12 at the time.
Damn!

Yes - but it turns out the doctors
mixed up his results

and he was fine -
he lived till he was 87.

But it was still
a very stressful day!

I get that. Dads can be difficult.

I'm still in the car, Austin.
Oh, yeah. That's right.

Nazi!

Such unnecessary behaviour.
Tell me about it.

(PHONE RINGS)
Sorry. I've gotta take this.

Uh, Heidi, I really need
to see that lawyer.

Some guy just mouthed 'Nazi' to me
in the street!

4:15. Her name's Sloane Matthews.

Don't be late.
OK.

Uh, send me the address.
Um, how's your girls' lunch?

Yeah, it's...it's fine. Yeah.

We're just, sort of...I don't know,
bouncing around some ideas, really.

Ideas? Heidi, are you cuckolding me?

What, with myself? No.

I'm just working on something
separate with Ingrid.

You know, I think it's maybe
smart business if she, sort of,

canters along the path by herself
for a little bit.

Oh, right. Really?
Oh, Julian!

You're sounding very needy.
Well, that's just lovely, isn't it?

I'm being dragged round South London
on some wild goose tour

while you two are boozing it up

at some no-doubt very expensive
luncheon,

talking about how to leave me
behind - thanks a bunch!

(SIGHS)

Trouble at t' mill?
It's complicated.

Been there.
No, you haven't.

I told you, I'm not using
a flipping ghost writer!

Sean's more of a creative
facilitator.

But it says 'ghost writer'
right there!

Just take another look at his CV,
because...

No. No!

Take another look at his CV, because
it's about getting the ball rolling,

the juices flowing, Ingrid.

We need to figure out a story.

I just don't want a bossy man
bossing me about any more!

No, you boss him about!
You're the boss. It's your project.

Is it my project, though?
Yes.

Yes, why...why ponder
over what Cuckoo does?

Why...why labour over the words,

when really, you could be focusing
on what's most important - your art?

I do prefer to focus

on the most important thing
about a picture book,

which is the pictures...

Mmm, so just pop over to his studio,
riff out some ideas...

I don't think you can
say 'riff' any more.

I think it's a bit embarrassing.
FYI.

Oh. Thanks.

You'll tell him your Cuckoo idea.

See if he's got any others
that are worth exploring.

Audition him.

So I am still the
authorstrator-illustrauthor?

Just without the boiled egg
of actually having to write it.

Bingo.

GAWAIN: Ah, yeah - not
part of the official tour

but my personal highlight -
that building there, that big one,

that's where Billie had
her first-ever dance class,

at the tender age of five.

Ooh.
Yes.

And as an interesting side note,

I once saw a man have a fatal heart
attack on that very street corner.

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

I held his hand as he lay dying.

The last words he said to me were,

"One of my nostrils
is bigger than the other."

It's funny what stays with you,
isn't it?

Gawain, could you pull over
for a second?

Uh, listen, mate, uh, the Big Bear
fiasco's turned ugly

and I really need to see a lawyer.

You've got our home address, right?
Yeah, I do.

OK. Use that to get a cab home
when the tour's finished.

Keep the receipt.

OK? Yeah?
OK.

And then there were two.

Yeah, just relax, Austin - you're
alone with a stranger in a van.

What could possibly happen?

MEL: You look after Austin...
or I'll chop your nuts off.

Ooh, wait!

(PHONE RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: Greetings!
You've reached Austin Hogan.

I'm unable to take your call
right now...

(ENDS CALL)

(PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Directory assistance.

Hi. Yeah. I need a number
for Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

Sorry. We have no record of that.

Ah, OK. Uh, could we just try
'Bespoke Tours'?

Also no.

It definitely exists -
I've just been on one of his tours.

Yeah.
That's not my concern.

OK! Thank you.

Taxi!

Hey, Austin. It's me.

Uh, just checking everything's OK
with Gawain and, um...uh, Billie

and, um...yeah.

You know, just, uh, checking in.

Heidi, I just...I was just
thinking, maybe...

uh, could you...could you
give me a call?

Austin, it's me.

When you get to Shepherd's Bush,
could you just...

uh, wait till I get there?

Sorry, uh...hi. Hello.

Hi. Uh, so, uh,
slight change of plan.

Could we go to, uh,
Television Centre?

Yes, just pull up here.
Uh, I won't be a second.

DRIVER: Alright, mate.

Uh, anyway, yeah, she's covered
in glitter and he's got no...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've lost my son.

How old is he?

He's 28 but, um,
he's not from round here

and he's not answering
his phone, um...

Uh...look, he's autistic but I...
Right.

I'm not entirely sure how capable he
is, to be honest, but, uh, I mean...

Look... Aargh!

I mean, if it was you and you'd lost
your grown-up autistic son in London

but you had a slightly crucial
meeting in 5 minutes' time,

would you, uh, A, find your son
or would you, B...

Hey, mate, it's A.

Just go and find your flipping son.

Alright!

Alright! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'll find my flipping son!

Just had a 3B at the gate.

Yeah. Totally off his head.

Anyway, right, so she's got this
knife and he's in this mini...

BILL: Let me guess -
you've lost him.

Is that Austin?
Ah, hi, Bill.

No, no - we were just, um...well,
we just got slightly separated...

I was wondering if he'd called you.

Where are you?

Uh...uh, London.
He give you the slip?

No! We were just, um...

I mean, a couple of people got
between us

on a zebra crossing, you know?

It happens. Uh, so he hasn't called?

What street are you on?

Uh, sorry - bad connection.
Try again?

Just admit it, Julian.
You've lost Austin.

No, no, no. It's, um...

Oh, you numpty!

We'll send you the 360 link.

You were right. Grab your onesie.
We're going to London.

And this, my Australian friend,

is the end of the tour.

I have it on good authority

that it's sometimes
where Billie comes

to write her television shows.

So you think
I'll see Billie in there?

Probably not, no.

Didn't think so.

Well, I appreciate your efforts.

Your tour was simultaneously better
and worse than I expected.

Oh, that's very...
that's very kind of you.

Thanks. (CHUCKLES)

Hang on - you didn't tell me

about your personal side note
for this location.

Austin, old pal...

this happens to be the very last
stop on my very last tour.

Thank you for making it so special.

That's alright. Any time.

But...what are you gonna
do with yourself now?

Property management in Spain.

And once I'm settled there,

I'm going to fulfil
a lifetime dream.

Have doctors make your left nostril
as big as your right?

Correct!

The booking's in your name.
Thank you, my good man.

I wish you all the best.

And thank you for using
Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

No problem.
The final tour.

You're Billie Piper, aren't you?

Shh.
(WHISPERS) Sorry.

The lavender Earl Grey will
put hairs on your chest.

Actually, I've already got
quite a few hairs on my chest.

As you can see.

It's an expression.
Oh!

An idiom.
Yes, that's right. An idiom.

Now, I want you to know,
I don't hate Suzie.

(LAUGHS)

Well, no, you're not supposed to.

The subtext is that she's
actually quite lovable.

Ah. I don't do subtext.

Uh, just text.

If I'm meant to find her lovable,
then mission accomplished.

(CHUCKLES) What's your name?

Austin.

I'm a forklift driver from Australia,

who harbours ambitions
to become a writer.

Of books.
Right.

Well, Austin, I was a singer,

who harboured ambitions
to become an actress,

who harboured ambitions
to become a writer.

You've got...at some point, you've
just gotta stop harbouring -

you've gotta start doing.

Hmm. That is a fair bit to take in.

JULIAN: OK. Turn left here,
then 1.7 miles.

So, Heidi had
quite an exciting idea.

I'm going to meet with
a creative facilitator.

OK.
Which... Yeah.

Is that different
from a ghost writer?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

But I just think it's gonna
be really good for us,

A, to develop creatively

and B, to, you know, have
a bit of space from each other.

Space? What sort of space?

Well...I...I just don't
like toast, Julian.

And I quite like
to sleep in the studio.

(PHONE CHIMES)
Uh, here.

I've got heels on cobbles, Julian.

OK. I'll take...
Heels on cobbles.

Yeah, so there's no such thing
as a perfect time to write -

just, you know,
the perfect time is now.

And don't write for
anyone else but yourself.

And never read what you've written
until you get to the end -

just get it all out,
all down on paper

and then, you know...
then go back and tinker.

Question, R-E muses.

I don't have one.
You need a muse.

I'll be your muse.

Thank you. But I'm not familiar
with the politics of muses.

But just don't tell anyone, OK?

Because...I'm a muse
to a lot of people.

You have my word, Billie.
(MESSAGE ALERT CHIMES)

Oh. Hang on.

Austin!

Dad. Stepmother.

Allow me to introduce you to...

the star of screen and stage,

Billie Piper.

Billie Piper?

She's not here!

Are you OK, Austin?

But we were talking for ages!

She gave me some writing advice
and she said she would be my...

Your what, Austin?

(SIGHS) Never mind.

Come on, mate. It's been a long day.

Let's get you home.

So what happened to Gawain?

Oh, he retired to Spain.
Why?

Due to a problem with his nostril.

Can't take the plate, mate.

Excuse me - there was
an Australian guy sat there.

Do you know where he is?
Uh, he left.

He left? He left.

He asked me to be his muse.

And I said yes.

See, that's actually quite...funny.

I'm...I'm a muse
to quite a few people,

like Rod Stewart -

yeah, and that's unsurprising

but most recently, um, Taylor Swift.

I mean, she didn't...didn't ask me

but I could, like...
I could sense it.

Ah.

Ah!

Uh-huh.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation

What is the process with Sean -
he writes the book

and then you pretend to the public
that you wrote it?

That's ghosting!

So, this is where the magic happens.

I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.

It's with a heavy heart
that we terminate

our association with you
and Big Bear.

The book will be shredded
in the morning.

People will be wiping themselves
with it by next week.

We can't let that happen!

I wouldn't know how to do that
without breaking in.

No-one's breaking in to anything.

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