Original subtitles

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[DEVICE BEEPS]

[MACHINERY WHIRRS]

[GUN COCKS]

For the new world.

[GUNSHOT]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[CREATURE SNARLS]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[WOMAN ON PHONE]: ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, my beautiful boy Zachy ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I love you!

I love you too.

Seventeen already! How has the time gone so fast?

I know, I know.

I'm sorry you have to spend the day alone today.

Are you mad at us for not coming up sooner?

No! I mean...

it would be nice to have you guys here but..

Oooh! Right, right, right,

you want some big boy time. I get it!

Hey buddy! - Yeah!

Hey, Dad.

[DAD]: ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Still can't whistle.

Thank you.

Hey, has Joe's family arrived yet?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Okay, well.

We'll make sure everything is set for tomorrow.

It's gonna be a big day for the birthday hero. That's you.

Yep. Sounds good.

The Airbnb has a sauna here! - Oh yeah.

We are getting in there later, if you know what I mean. Hahaha!

Right, hun? - Yeah!

Okay. Is that gluten free?

What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - Zach...

You gotta take care of your tum-tum, buddy.

You remember Honolulu? - Dad. Of course.

Gosh, gosh. - Hey, come on.

It was like a volcano from your butt!

Oh. - Yes, I know! I know. Oh!

What was that? - Nothing, erm...

Everything is good, just, um... - What is going on there?

Blowing the old nose. Urgh!

Okay, calm down.

Are you watching porn?

No! No!

Chilling here. Ha.

What's going on? - Nothing! Guy stuff!

The YouTube video came up on my phone

and it was really weird that, that happened...

Well, my mistake then. Let me guess -

you are going to put on Highlander.

That's our tradition buddy.

Yes! Highlander.

I cannot break that tradition. I'm going to do that.

Absolutely. We'll let you get to it, okay?

But hey, if you need anything at all,

anything, you call us. Okay, buddy?

Yeah. Dad. Everything, everything is cool.

I pro.. I promise.

Happy Birthday. - Happy Birthday!

See you tomorrow!

Alright. Love... I love you.

...he was masturbating. - Oh my gosh!

Ay-ay-ay.

How come every conversation about sex

and alcohol with your parents has to be

so freaking awkward?

Like...

can we just have a casual conversation?

Like... Oh...

Hey, Mom and Dad.

I'm just gonna go over friend's house, maybe get wasted.

Possibly get laid with the hottest girl in school.

Honey, really? Wow!

I'm so proud of you.

And I know you are ready to get wasted and have sex.

I mean...

youth is all about raging hormones,

wild desires and doing stupid stuff, right?

We can't control that.

Nature gave us these things like freaking superpowers,

and our parents and society want us

to supress it and act like it's normal.

Is that normal?

Would you say no to a Spider-Man?

[DOORBELL RINGS] - Hmh?

And yeah, sure. You can say it's childish and silly but,

so is life itself.

I mean, we are all children pretending to be adults, right?

Okay. Fine, yes.

I was watching some exotic photos and videos,

but like, you haven't? - [DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh, uh, oh! Clear search history! Click!

Blue balls.

But yes, I do have this birthday tradition,

where I like to sit down and watch my favorite movie -

Highlander. Why?

Because Highlander is the fricking best movie ever!

We have Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery,

Queen's amazing songs,

just all melted into this beautiful symphony

of pure '89s awesomeness.

You can't beat it!

I mean, I do like the Adrian Paul series too,

do not get me wrong. But...

in the end...

there can be only one.

Oh, hey Joe! - Zach! Cigarettes!

[HE SPLUTTERS]

Joe Goldsmith everyone.

My best friend since I was eight years old.

And...

Um...

Him... Who, who is this?

Oh, that, that's Jaakko.

Oh, okay.

Hehe. - Hey man.

Hey. What, What's up bro? Hehe.

Uh...

Nothing, man.

Yeah, I dig it.

I'm a cool guy.

Well, come on in, I guess.

So... where did we find him?

Ahh. Just found him lost in the woods.

Lost in the... really? - Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a kind of bad sense for directions.

Help!

Help!

You gonna cry now?

Let's get out of here.

Any... anywho, um... Do you go to school here or?

Yeah... I actually wanna be a pilot.

Oh, a pilot. That's cool!

That's super cool. - I know.

My other option is to be a survival guide.

Uh, Jaakko.

Do you like, uh...

do you use some kind of medication

for that bad sense of directions?

Funny you asked.

What?! - Dude!

Where did you get these man?

I have a plenty of room in my jacket like.

Cos tonight we're gonna party like there's no tomorrow!

I have friends now. [HE CHUCKLES]

Guys, wait!

I forgot my pills. - What?

Joe, beer has gluten, which gives me diarrhea.

You know that!

Oh, yeah.

Guys. Got it.

Yeah! DJ spin that shi-bi-dii!

Fuck it! - Yeah!

♪ Oh, Joe's mom is hot ♪

♪ What the fuck dude, what you looking at? ♪

♪ Don't you see that I have the bigger bat? ♪

♪ Uh-huh! I will fuck you up if you are in my way ♪

♪ I will knock you out, you won't be the same ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

♪ You heard me, bitch! ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

♪ It's my birthday ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

♪ You heard me, bitch! ♪

♪ Say what? I want vanilla with sprinkles, bitch! ♪

♪ Tell them, Zach ♪

♪ These stupid, stupid heads ♪

♪ This time you get shot, motherfuckers! ♪

♪ All the haters and... ♪

[WOMAN IN FINNISH]

Sorry, Mrs. B!

She, she's really nice.

Just lower, lower a little bit.

♪ Let's train! Stop being that fucking party killer ♪

♪ No, no. We have booze and beer in the chiller ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah! So have a drink and sit the fuck down! ♪

♪ Or we kick your ass to the motherfucking ground ♪

♪ Boom. Yeah. ♪

♪ You heard me and him. We are bigger than you ♪

What's with these outdated and sexist lyrics?

Sounds so aggressive man.

♪ We have got beer and booze in the chiller ♪

♪ Have a drink and sit the fuck down ♪

♪ Or we kick your ass to the motherfucking ground ♪

Bitches!

What the hell?

[JOE]: Where is everyone?

I think everyone is in that direction.

That's where we came from, Jaakko.

Oh.

Chug, chug, chug!

No way!

Excellent!

[THEY ULULATE]

Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey! What's up and what is going down?

This is Wild Pete

hoping you are all having a fun and exciting day here

at the Vuokatti Ski Resort!

Vuokatin Aateli.

Pleasure, life and love.

Shaken, not stirred.

Let's party!

Woo!

Today is going to be especially special

even more special than yesterday.

We will soon see monsters taking over

because it's the annual Monster Fest! Oh yeah.

And to top it all off

we have an amazing special guest appearance by a superstar

from Hollywood! Oh yeah.

And most importantly there will be the opportunity to consume

alcoholic beverages. Do not miss that opportunity.

Holy crap.

That was a pretty intense introduction.

Totes! - I'm sold.

Count me in.

Seriously? You guys actually want to go in there?

What about

kalsarikännit, plunging in the forest with beers?

Huh?

I actually have some toilet paper with me

if someone needs it.

Means you.

That's a book

Oh.

Anyway it looks like there's a COVID-19 party and...

I guess what looks like a sexy nun party.

And um...

Whoa, an '80s party! That looks fricking awesome!

Maybe we should go to that... one... Guys? Hello?

Sexy nun party. Great.

Man, I wonder who the Hollywood superstar guest judge is?

[JOE]: Haha. Maybe it's Christopher Lambert.

Yeah dude. In my dreams.

We are so honored to have you as a celebrity judge

on this year's Monster Fest model contest Mr. Lambert.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Looks great.

[CHITTERING]

Hello!

Is someone there?

Jens!

Very funny.

[SNARLING]

[SHE SCREAMS]

[SHE WAILS]

[SHE SCREAMS]

Hey, hey, hey! What's up and what's going down?

This is Wild Pete here at the Vuokatti Ski Resorts.

Oh, hey!

Hi!

Dude we're in!

Hey, you're welcome.

This is sick bro!

What the fuck?!

Bro, I am so sorry about that.

Shit!

Shit!

What the hell is your problem nerd?

Uh, nothing man. I was just... uh, I mean

I spilled your beer. That's a problem, sir.

Well, you better buy me a new one then, huh?

Kick his ass, Biff! - Uh, please don't.

Wait.

Biff?

What?! - No, your name is Biff.

I love the movies.

What the hell are you talking about?

Like Biff. You know? Biff...

I don't speak nerd!

Chill out! Chill!

What are you? Houdini?

Just take it. Chill.

You better make like a tree and get out of here!

Wait, I told you he knew!

What did you say? - No-nothing, man.

Just listen I... You know, we're cool. Right?

I just... uh, we'll uh...

[CHITTERING]

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

[ALL CHEER]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! What's up and what's going down?!

Hey! Hey!

Uh... ladies and gentlemen. Are you ready?

Are you ready to have some fun?!

Yeah!

Today, today will be a special day

that you will remember for the rest of your lives.

Which will be long. I'm sure.

Hold on. Hold on. Before we go on, hold on.

It's time. Now it's the most important time of the day.

It's time to consume an alcoholic beverage.

[ALL CHEER]

Instructions.

First you smell it. Then you look at it.

Then you put it in your mouth and you taste it.

You feel the expectation

of beautiful things that are about to come to you.

It will creep from your belly into your brain

and it will whisper to you.

It will let you know when it's time to take another one!

Yeah!

Monster Fest! Please welcome House of Eli!

[ALL CHEER]

♪ Wanna party till they light ♪

♪ Every day, every week, working till my hands bleed ♪

♪ When the weekend comes, all I want ♪

♪ Is to find someone who wants to let loose ♪

♪ Rock and roll till the break of dawn ♪

[ALL CHEER]

♪ On the dancefloor ♪

♪ Mystify yourself ♪

♪ Like you never did before ♪

♪ Mystify yourself ♪

So many snow bunnies! - Haha. Panettaa.

Yeah! What?

Panettaa. Like... panettaa.

Panettaa. I don't know what that means but I like it.

Okay.

[WOMAN SINGS]

♪ Gently called out your name ♪

♪ There can be ♪

♪ Only one ♪

♪ And it's not the same ♪

♪ Without you here ♪

♪ Don't let me go ♪

♪ Here comes the pain ♪

♪ It's taking over ♪

♪ My heart is an ocean ♪

♪ And are there waves crashing through me? ♪

♪ Do you feel the motion? ♪

♪ Is this a dream or reality? ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey Uncle John. What's up? - Hey!

Happy Birthday Zachy boy!

Hey, thank you. Thank you. - How are you?

How is Finland? - Good. Yeah. Uh... Finland...

You know, it's beautiful. I'm just in my room chilling,

enjoying my privacy. Waiting for my parents to come, you know?

What's all that noise? You at a party?

What? No, no, no. No parties. I-I'm only 17. Remember?

Only 17?! - Yeah.

When I was your age I was high on drugs

and doing it like a rabbit.

What? That's, that's weird.

Hey! Someone's in here!

Uh hey, Uncle John. I - I really got to go, man.

What? To have some quality time alone?

No, no. Some-some... someone's in here!

No. Nothing like that.

Listen. I get it. When I was your age

I was doing it all the time.

Great! Now I can't get that image out of my head.

Thank you so much for that. Great.

What?!

What did you say Zach? It's really loud in there.

Yeah yeah! Err... Umm.

Hey! I - I think the mailman's here. Um... you know...

I really got to go. I love you. Thank you for calling.

Tell Aunt Elisabeth that I love her too, okay?

Thank you!

Party hard, Zach. - Okay.

You're only young once. - Yeah. It's true.

You're right, you're right.

Okay. Love you. Bye!

[CLATTERING]

Gosh. Hello, hey! Somebody's in here!

Someone...

Chicane...

I'm in a portapotty. Where are you?

I'll be right there.

[CLATTERING]

[YELLING]

What?

What? What are you talking about?

[CLATTERING]

Okay.

Where is everyone?

Joe?!

[CLATTERING]

Shit! Run! Run!

What? - Run!

Hey! - Run!

What - what the fuck?!

Run Jaakko, run!

Wait! Snow mobile!

Shit!

Oh my gosh! Look!

What is going on?!

It's like the Muppets would attack!

Aaaw, I love the Muppets, man! - Me too!

Guys! Shut up!

How do you freaking start this thing?

Yes! Yes!

Go! Hurry! Hurry! - Yeah!

Guys, where am I going? - Jaakko?

There's a big store close by.

All right, let's go!

What are you doing? - I'm just checking.

He's checking who is the Hollywood superstar.

Go, go, go!

Maybe it's Kevin Costner!

Go!

Quick, they're coming!

Go!

You have served me well. You wanna mess with me?!

What's going on back there? - Jaakko?!

Uh-oh!

Holy fuck!

Go back to Frozen!

You motherfuckers!

I feel alive!

I don't know where we're going bro?

Oh the store! - What?! Jaakko you were right!

I told you!

Come on! Yes!

[THEY LAUGH]

Stop! - What? Why?

We lost Jaakko! - What?

We lost Jaakko! - What?!

Go back! - What?

Go back! - Ah!

Dude! - Jaakko!

Jaakko!

Jaakko! Buddy! Buddy!

Wake up! - Is that what I think it is?

Yeah. Can you feel it? - [HE MOANS]

What?! - Oh....

Shit guys! Hurry up! They're coming!

Saved by the book.

Go, go, go!

We're not going to make it!

Yes we are. Don't give up on us now Mr. Finland.

Mr. Finland?

Do you find me attractive? - What? No!

What? So, I'm ugly?

What the hell are you talking about?!

Listen, we gonna make it!

Just stay cool!

Yeah Jaakko, Sisu! - Sisu!

Sisu together!

Oh shit dude. What you're doing?

I think someone survived.

Oh. Okay.

Come on boys. We're burning daylight here.

Go, fast! Go! - Go!

What? Oh yeah. - Go!

Locked! There must be people already inside.

Hey! Open up!

Hey, thank you for saving us you beautiful stranger.

No problem.

My name is Joe, by the way.

Natalia.

Has anybody ever told you that...

Hey. Wait, wait, wait, Joe. - What?

What the hell are you doing man? - What do you mean?

I saw her first.

What? Brother, please. - Hey, don't brother please me.

We need to find another way to get inside.

She's like a dark angel.

Joe, Joe, Joe. Look at me.

I really like her. Okay?

We all do.

Bro. - Yeah bro. We all do.

No bro. You don't!

Okay. Listen. Joe, I...

I saw her...

She is...

her eyes... - I understand.

There's plenty of more fish in the sea.

No! Do not give me that fishes shit!

What do you want them to be, crabs? You stupid head!

You're stupid head! - You are stupid!

You're stupid! - Why are you guys bickering?!

We need to move! We got company.

Go, go, go, go.

Jaakko. - Jaakko, come on.

All the front doors are closed.

We need to find a way to get inside.

Hey, how about we just use the snowmobiles?

They would catch us.

Safest is to get inside and barricade the place.

Yeah, Joe!

You! - Just stop it!

Wait. Jaakko? How did you...

Easy.

I have keys.

You have keys?!

Why didn't you tell us you stupid?!

You work here? - Yeah, kind of.

Kind of? What do you mean kind of?

It's - it's complicated. Okay?

Um, ah...

These are nice. - We need to gear up.

For... For what?

For a battle.

Should we just call the cops?

Already did and I bet many others did too.

[OFFICERS SING ALONG]: ♪ Sexy, sexy Christmas! ♪

♪ Christmas! ♪

♪ Missing you! ♪

I love that song!

First time I ever got laid was with that song.

Me too.

With your wife.

[THEY LAUGH]

What did they say from the office?

I don't know. Some kind of crap about -

little monsters attacking people at the Monster Fest.

Look out!

What the hell!

We need backup?

[THEY LAUGH]

You're hysterical!

Be careful!

[ON RADIO]: They come from Saarioisen...

Saarioinen meat factory, I don't know what...

It's like a pumpkin fucked a snowman

and a Gremlin watched. It was horrible.

[ON PHONE]: The end is near. Asshole!

[HE LAUGHS]

[HE WAILS]

I love that guy!

[ON RADIO]: This is Wild Pete asking everybody to come.

Not come.

Come. But if you have beverages you can come by quickly.

But then you have to go. Just go. This is dangerous.

Do not come!

I have to calm my nerves.

I have to consume an alcoholic beverage here.

Tommi!

Tommi!

[HE YELLS]

[WILD PETE]: What's up and what's going down?

Well, horrible things are going down

here at the Vuokatti Ski Resort.

Some... tiny creatures have taken over and...

they are destroying everything.

And they're killing people.

And... I managed to escape them but

I've been stuck here in the studio for hours and I'm...

I'm running dangerously low in beverages.

And the weather tomorrow is going to be clear

and the slopes will be in good condition.

Uh, but don't come here!

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Yeah, thanks.

Jaakko? Where's your gear?

Holy baloney. - Not bad!

The building...

Yo, yo!

Oh, so hot.

Biff?

What the hell are you doing here?!

Wha... Dude we're just here for safety.

I wasn't talking to you nerd.

I was talking to my brother.

Yeah. - Your... your brother?

He's my step-brother.

Shut up nerd!

I told you never to come up here!

Back off!

Ooh...

Hey.

You are that chick from the rock band.

You want to have a little fun?

There's always room for a three-way.

You can be such an asshole! - Shut up!

You bitch! - Hey!

Bring it on, jerk!

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Mighty strong words nerd.

[THEY LAUGH]

Losers!

Hey, come on man.

Let me in!

God damn it! Let me in!

Jaakko? Talk to me. Who is it?

Some drunken guy in a Santa costume.

I think he wants in.

The Creeps?

I don't see them. What should I do?

Let him in. - No.

We're going to let him in. Right now.

My dad owns the store, so I'm the boss here.

[SOFT CLUNKING]

Let him in.

Oh guys, watch out. Watch out!

Is he okay?

That's weird.

Yep.

Oh Shit! The Creeps! The Creeps!

[WOMEN SCREAM]

I'm out of here!

Sayonara buttheads! - Biff!

Hey Biff! Wait!

Shit. Are you guys okay?

Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker!

Die Hard.

Come on! Come on!

[HE YELLS]

Guys, you see that?

[WOMEN SCREAM]

Guys!

Come on, come on.

Shh... Come on, guys. Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit.

You didn't make it silent? - It's my birthday.

Really?

Yeah. I'm 20.

[HE LAUGHS]

Fine. Fine. I'm 17.

Still could have made it silent.

Get back!

That was awesome!

What the fuck! - Yeehaw!

Howdy ho, people!

I apologize for barging in so uninvited

sure sound like you guys needed some assistance, so...

here I am.

Sure sounded like we need some assistance, my ass.

Thank you

Yeah. Thank you so much...

handsome stranger. - Well...

what can I say?

Guess, I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Just happened to be in the neighborhood, my ass!

Hey, how'd you get in?

Back door. It's open. I just walked straight through.

Just walked on straight through. - Joe. I got it.

Sorry.

Are you...

Looks like the party is about to get very hot

very soon.

You know. Time out. You know what guys.

Thanks for stopping by

but we totally had this under control, so...

so thanks, you...

Hey kid.

Had to break it down to you like this, but

seems to me like I'm the only hope you got.

So what do you say Chief? Can I stay?

Hey, Chief. I'm fucking 17.

Good for you son. That's a fun age.

Yeah!

So... a little bit of plastic...

You don't want to choke on that.

Bro. Got gluten in it.

Wait, there's gluten?!

Fuck! - No, no, no, no, no...

It's fine! It's fine Jaakko!

Ladies, you got yourselves nothing to be worried about.

I will take a good care of you.

[HE YELLS]

This can't be good.

Zach. - What? What?

The guy. Is he okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

Jaakko is there anywhere where we can go?

There - there's a cabin bar. - Okay. Okay.

Up in the mountains.

Okay great! Lead us there, okay?

Lead?

So, like a boss?

Jaakko, you seem distressed. Can I help you?

Guys! I have an idea!

Wow! Like a boss.

[CAR]: Technically you are not the boss, Jaakko.

I am now.

Yo, is this the real? Is this the real KI...

For legal reasons I would not finish that sentence.

Bro.

Shit!

[CAR]: That's good enough.

Shit. - Bro why are you stopping?

What is that?!

I've been waiting to do this for years now.

To do what?

Jaakko. We already talked about this

with the psychiatrist. Didn't we?

Jaakko, what are you doing man?

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Hasta la vista, fuckers! - No, no, no, no, no, no!

[ALL SCREAM]

Are you happy now, Jaakko?

Oh hell yeah I am.

So, then I shall cancel

our next week's appointment with Dr. Landis.

Yeah, that's okay.

Did you plan this? - Yeah, I did.

I hated that place.

Jaakko, you are such a weirdo bro!

[RUMBLING]

What are those sounds?

What? Oh.

No. That's the explosion.

Keep driving Jaakko! Please. - Yeah, yeah.

[CAR]: It sounds like someone is urgently needing

to release some...

No, that, that's fine. Thanks K...

For legal reasons I would not finish that sentence.

[RUMBLING]

Hey. There it is. The cabin bar.

We're there? Okay! Great, great! Hurry up! Go, go, go, go, go!

Have a great and productive night. Kick some ass.

Ohh...

It's coming. It's coming.

Do you... do you have a key for this one?

Yeah. My... Yeah my, my stepdad, he owns this place.

Yeah, yeah, yes? Yes. Yes.

So no.

Fuck you man! - Just kidding.

Jaakko! Jaakko! Where's the bathroom?

In the back. - In the back. Oh gosh! Okay!

[FARTS]

What is that?

Oh, that's fucking gluten man. It's brutal.

Okay guys. Come on. Let him be.

Oh, and don't turn on any of the lights.

But, but the bar?

Okay. But only the bar.

Oh. Thanks.

[HE MOANS]

Oh yeah!

[HE FARTS] Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Man, I wonder what Natalia is thinking like...

do you think she cares or...

do you think like she's kind of into this?

You know like, oh, I love a man who's not

afraid to poop in front of everyone.

He's so manly and so tough that he can poop in front of everyone

and smell the whole room up. And it's okay.

It's okay.

Right?

Chicane.

Jaakko! The whole place looks like a Christmas tree!

I thought I said only the bar. - Oh.

Thanks.

Nice!

Oh snap!

Cocktail!

You wanna? - No, I mean like the movie.

Tom Cruise Cocktail. Yeah.

Oh snap, Mr Diarrhea. How're you holding up?

I am good now.

Hey guys, I just want to say, I am...

so sorry. It was really embarrassing. Um...

It's never happened to me before, uh...

Don't go to the toilet for like 35, 45 minutes.

Amen. - Yeah.

Jaakko, I got to ask you something.

Yeah.

Where did you find this book? - Oh that one. Yeah, yeah.

It - it was in the forest. Yeah.

My life savior. Yeah.

Pretty, uh, weird stuff in it.

Looks like a diary or...

Diarrhea! [HE BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Do you mind if I keep it?

Yeah sure. Yeah. I took it for urgent matters.

I'm thirsty. - Hey!

I have an idea.

Are we having a party here?

Yeah, kind of.

Hey, uh Jaakko. - Yeah?

What's in this stuff?

Oh, it's just a vodka.

Yeah.

Can I say something...

to you, I just want to... You know...

I don't know you guys so well.

And this has been a bizarre day...

and everyone just keeps bullying me all the time...

telling me I'm worthless, that I - I mean nothing.

But you guys have shown me that

life can be worth living

and fighting for.

[HE SPEAKS FINNISH]

Sisu! - Sisu!

Cheers guys! - Yeah! Cheers!

Mm... Mm-hm.

Mm-hm...

Mm-hm...

So good. - Yeah.

I love you guys.

We love you too Sloth.

Yeah. - Sloth?

Yeah. The Goonies. - Yeah.

Do you mind if I join? - No...

I mean yeah. I - I don't care.

This end of the world stuff makes me so wanting to be close.

Really?

You're really brave, you know that?

What? Uh me?

Get out of here.

You want me to leave?

Uh, what? No. Oh no. No, no, no. I just, uh...

Hang on. Oh.

Okay. Mm-hm.

Okay, oh wow. O-o-okay.

Great. Uh, hey uh, so, so, so sorry, um...

Uh, first of all, uh...

thank you for that, and...

second of all, uh...

just hold that thought. Okay?

What are you doing?

Uh, bon appetit. Huh.

Hi. - Hi.

What's up?

Very beautiful speech.

Oh, thank you.

So are you.

Beautiful? - Yeah.

Beautiful.

Wow.

You're super wonderful. Super. But, uh...

You - you want to have tea first. Maybe -

Do you want to have sex?

One second...

Sure.

Sure.

If we're going to die... - I don't want to die a virgin.

Maybe I can help you with that. - Oh, please help me sister.

Please, help me.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um... calling a boyfriend or...

No. No. Um...

I don't have one. I just...

was just trying to reach my mom and dad.

Where are they?

Um, they're in New Mexico.

I'm originally from Kiev, Ukraine.

But I moved around a lot as a kid because of my dad's job.

I never really felt like belonging to...

anywhere, I guess.

Well, I was born and raised in Oregon -

lived there my whole life so -

can't really relate.

It's stupid to think now, but...

I wish my dad would have never taken that job from Chicane.

Chicane?

Like the research facility? - Yeah.

He's, um... He's a scientist.

Oh, wow. - Yeah.

I just wish... I could have seen them more.

Sorry. - It's okay.

So...

You didn't like her?

Oh... Wha...

Oh, uh... her?

Yeah. - Oh.

No.

Joe!

Zach!

KITT!

No, I mean...

No.

It's funny that you say that, um, actually...

that you brought that up... because, um...

Actually...

I...

I, um... I like you.

You like me?

Yes. Um, like...

like a lot.

I think you're very beautiful. So...

Oh. Okay. I see.

Well, for the record...

I don't think you're too terrible either.

Oh, you can be funny. - Mm-hm. I can.

I know this isn't the best timing, um, but...

I was wondering, if...

maybe you would want to have...

this dance with me.

Zach, there's no music.

Oh, umm...

Well...

There can be.

Don't you horny guys just want to get laid

before the world ends?

I just want to dance...

with you.

Joe! Take me. Fuck me. - Okay. Okay.

Come on! Don't stop now.

Oh, good.

Oh, Joe!

Wai-wai-wait! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Wait, wait, wait!

One second! - No!

One second, please! - Slap me!

Slap me!

Oh, uh... Just got to find this song.

Mm-hmm.

You might actually know this one.

Yeah? - Um...

Okay.

Just relax, Don Juan.

[SOFT SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS]

You are so beautiful.

♪ My heart is an ocean ♪

♪ You are the waves crashing through me ♪

♪ Do you feel the motion ♪

[THEY MOAN]

[HE SPEAKS FINNISH]

What's with the lights?

You don't want to know.

Happy birthday.

♪ Is this a dream or reality? ♪

[CHITTERING]

It's fucking freezing here. - Shut up! Shut up.

[GUNSHOT] - [GUN CLICKS]

[HE SCREAMS]

Not on my watch.

Merry Christmas.

See that scar. - Where did you get that?

In a fight.

Fight? - Yeah. With a cat.

Ah, a real one? - Full grown.

Wow. - Yeah.

So, we get it.

You guys had sex.

No! We didn't. - No.

Why would you think that?

What's up with the lights by the way? Bad wiring or...

Oh... well, uh...

In the heat of the moment, and uh... well...

Guys, guys, guys!

I think I got it. - What?

This morning when we left the house -

there was green smoke in the woods.

Don't recall that, no.

Well, please let me explain.

♪ Uh, what the fudge dude ♪

♪ What, what are we... What... what is that? ♪

♪ Don't you see that I have the bigger bat? ♪

♪ Fools ♪

Right! Don't you remember?

Still don't remember.

No! I also saw it when...

What the hell?!

Yo, sucker. Where is everyone?

Huh?

[IMITATING JOE] I'm Joe. I'm Zach's best friend.

Zach has a much bigger penis than me.

I love him so much.

I never said that!

All right. We'll move on. We'll move on. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Um, then Jaakko was like -

[IMITATING JAAKO]: Uh, I'm not the best at this

but I think everyone is in that direction.

No, that's not right.

Um, uh... well, your accent's like...

Jaa... I'm Jaakko. No. Um.

Hold on. Let me try again.

[IMITATING JAAKO] I'm not the best

but I think everyone is in that direction.

I... again. I keep doing it.

Ahem. Looks pretty lame.

That's still not right.

No, no. It sounds cool.

It's cool? - Yeah. Yeah that's good.

Cool. - Nailed it.

Anyway...

Wha-What's about the green smoke then? Um...

Well, wait for it.

It's coming.

And I guess what looks like a sexy nun party.

And then there's this awesome '80s party which looks

really awesome! Maybe none of this shit

would have happened if we went there?

Oh. Where? Oh.

What does it have to do with The Creeps?

Guys.

Anytime we killed one of those Creeps -

green blood spews out. Right?

And their eyes, they glow green.

Just like...

smoking Northern Lights.

No? Ugh!

In the book that Jaakko found in the forest...

This is my book.

Yes that's your book. You found this in the forest.

This has the answer to

everything that's happening here.

Oh, The Creeps you mean?! - Yes, exactly.

They're like this evil spirit from a different dimension.

Whoa. - It's crazy.

That's so cool.

Yes it is cool Jaakko.

And this book... it's like a diary.

There's images all about this stuff. Look!

[JAAKO]: Oh my.

There is the machine that created the smoke.

Whoa.

And someone set this up. - Ah.

But why?

Ooh, I think I know!

Somebody...

hates ski resorts.

Nope.

Okay. No. Forget it.

Well, it seems like it started in World War II -

but I can't read any of it. It's all German...

and Russian and there's... there's these Nazi logos and

all these crazy drawings, and...

and Chicane.

Chicane. My dad's Chicane? - Yeah.

And somehow it's all connected to The Creeps.

And I believe. I firmly believe -

that the source of all these crazy murder snowmen, come...

from that green smoke.

Yeah! Green smoke baby!

No, no. Not like weed.

Not... like... just like the green...

from the machine. The machine. Not weed.

The machine.

Oh. ♪ Do you want to build a snowman? ♪

No.

I want to fucking kill him.

That totally sounds like cliche...

creature feature, B-movie writing...

But...

in this case...

it could actually even be...

true.

Thank you.

Ooh!

Wait! Is that okay if I do that? - It's okay.

Ooh! Wow! - What's happening?

Oh lordy, Daddy, is that a kiss we see?

What's happening in here?

Hey, hey.

I think this is the cabin of love.

[SNARLING]

[PHONE BUZZES] - Oh. Shit.

Um... excuse me guys. It's my dad.

Hey, come to bed. - Okay. Right behind you.

Hey Zach. You're probably already asleep.

If he only knew the truth...

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

I've got a little surprise.

Okay. A big surprise for you tomorrow -

and I can't wait for you to see it.

You know what?

I'm so dang proud of you.

And I love you son.

I love you too Dad.

Good evening!

It's Christopher Lambert!

And they say...

Finland...

is one of the safest countries in the world.

Ha-ha!

I hope you don't mind.

I'll be on my way soon.

That's totally cool.

So, you're the Hollywood superstar?

I am. Yeah.

Umm...

Are you okay?

I - I - I love you...

[HE CHUCKLES]

You must be Zach.

You know my name? - Of course.

Your dad told me about you.

My dad? Uh?

Yeah. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday

on this very crazy day.

I'm dreaming, right? I... am... I'm dreaming?

Just remember...

you only have one life.

So pick the damn good one.

Fight for what you believe is right.

Surround yourself...

with friends and loved ones

who truly care about you.

Follow your passion and dreams

and always believe in yourself.

This is insane.

So go and pursue the greatest gift of all.

Life.

Be kind and gracious.

And always look at everything with an open heart.

And I promise you,

your dream will come true.

I believe in you.

Stay safe kids.

I'll be back.

[HE CHUCKLES]

Bro, that was Christopher fucking Lambert!

That was amazing.

Thank you Dad.

I know what I have to do now.

Hey, me too.

What are... - Hey, hey boy.

Oh man. I don't know if I can eat those.

Hey there's no gluten.

Cookies! - You can eat those.

How do you know? - It's Biff's secret stuff.

He has the same crap like you.

Besides you need the energy. Huh?

Okay. - Just take one.

All right. Uh... - Hey!

Cheers. - Cheers.

That's good.

Oh my God.

It's so good. - Yeah.

This is a funky flavor.

What is that?

Bananas.

[THEY LAUGH]

What was in those cookies?

They work, like Spielberg movies...

Dude. If we're going to go and kill Kurgan -

Kurgan? Guys, that's a Highlander reference.

Jaakko just made. It's my birthday...

You need to watch it! - You're gonna...

You're going to need this.

Holy... ha-ha!

Thank you Ramirez. - No problem.

Sensation you feel is the Quickening.

What is happening? - They are totally baked.

I feel it.

I feel it!

You know -

we are one. - Yeah.

We're brothers. - Yes.

Let's end game this!

Hey, maybe I should just stay here

and protect our ladies, huh?

Yeah man. That's cool. - Yeah.

Hey! High Landers. Let's get the jackets.

We need to go. Your jacket was over there.

Come on! - Where are we going again?

Hello ladies...

Follow the cookie.

Come get the cookie.

Hehe. It's cookies.

Today's my birthday!

Yeah! Happy Birthday Zach!

Thank you Joe!

Oh shit!

Roadkill!

I had sex!

I met Christopher Lambert! Woo!

Guys! Shut up!

I'm not a virgin anymore!

I'm still a virgin! - Yeah!

Roadkill! - Roadkill!

Fuck!

Woo! - We got here!

Dude. Do you remember when we just did that?

What?

We went just downhill.

When? - Oh shit. Hey!

You are here!

That is a strong woman. - I like her.

She is feisty, and I freaking love it.

That's right.

First person shooter?

First person shooter, baby.

Yeah! - Bam!

Na-na-na-na-na, Batman!

Nice. Cos you got a bat. - See.

Okay.

Oh shit!

Three points! - Are you guys okay?

Yeah! You okay?!

I'm full health baby. - Yeah!

They just keep coming.

Just like the sexy nun.

Oh crap!

Hey! Splash baby!

Haha! Yeah man!

Splash two! The musical.

Nice man! - Love it bro!

Cheers! - Guys! Guys!

Come over here! Come on. Let's go.

Come on! Over here! - Zach, come on! Zach!

Shit!

We need to close the door! Come on!

Come back. Come on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

What's the plan?

Wow! That's genius. - Oh.

Ohhhh. - Smart. She's smart.

You're the smartest person I know. You know?

You're very high, darling.

Shit!

Oh my gosh! That's freaking gross!

That's disgusting.

Yeah! - Ugh.

The way it's melting just reminds me

of like when I get an ice cream...

Oh, hey!

I think it's playing a game.

Can you get sober already? Guys? Come on!

Hey, I'm so sorry.

Don't leave me like this.

♪ Tonight is the night ♪

♪ That I'm saying goodbye ♪

♪ I'm saying goodbye to you ♪

[GIGGLING, MOANING]

Ooh, what a snake!

Do you mean my dick?

Oh, please.

Stop it.

Joe?

Zach?

Biff?

What the hell are you doing here?!

How did you two get up in here?

Hey! You wanted to have a three-way!

Hey! Shh.

You are so...

fucking dead!

I got this.

I got this. - Stay with us. No.

I do not even know your names, but I got...

I will... protect you my ladies.

Killer undies.

Where did you buy them?

Losers 'R' Us?

Now fuck off!

No Biff! You leave us alone!

What did you say?!

You know, you're an asshole!

Huh? You know what else?

Life is too short -

to be associated with people like you, so -

Fuck off Biff!

You really think they care about you?

I learned that from a real friend.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You bastard!

I know you are, but -

what am I?

A hero!

That's right!

A hero!

It's called Back to the Future!

Asshole!

Hero! Hero! Hero!

Come back.

Should we continue, my ladies?

Yeah!

Can you help me up? - Yeah.

Oh. This is hard. - Okay.

Argh!

Oh dude, there's a car!

Oh sweet. What does mine say?

We can see there's a car guys.

I love that movie though. - I fucking love it too.

Top three movies ever made. - Top three? That's pretty good.

What the fuck was that?!

[RUMBLING]

Did you hear something? - Oh.

Joe you're not going to believe this...

Huh? - That was my stomach.

My stomach. I'm hungry. I am so...

I've never been this hungry before.

Natalia? Do you have food?

We'll be like... - We need a food.

Guys! Focus!

Please. God!

Hey! I have a sandwich though! I took it from the store.

You got a sandwich?! - Uh-huh.

Oh what is that? - Mm...

I don't know? - Is it like wheat?

No I think it's like... - I can't have gluten.

I think it's ham bro. - It's ham?

It's ham. - Shh! Guys.

Shh.

CCP. Ohhh!

Guys! Joe! Joe!

This must be the source.

Highlander 5, bro! - Ooh!

Shh! - How do we switch it off? Guys?

Oh.

Um... Oh, the book! The answer's in the book!

The book.

The fucking book.

The book.

The book.

Uh, let's just hit it with a car.

Let's do that.

You forgot the book.

I forgot the book.

Great! - Guys...

Let's just blow it up.

What?

Alright.

Joe, you okay? - Fuck!

All good.

Wah! Argh! Argh!

What the?! - Dude, did you kill him?!

I didn't kill him. He was there, dog.

The dude was here when we came.

Guys... - He's dead.

He's dead. That's not good.

That is not good.

That - that is good. That is so good!

Zach?!

What's up baby?

Okay, mister, I'm 20 years old.

[ZACH] You're cute.

And you're eating regular bread.

Yeah.

Oh...

Whoa!

Did it say something?

What? All I heard was... [SPEAKS NONSENSE]

Oh shit!

Is this real? Ah... Okay.

Oh, shit!

Argh!

Not today!

Joe! Look out! - Wargh!

It's snow!

Stupid snow!

Help! Help!

Zach?!

Ninja!

Smells so...

Zach?!

Get off of me!

Time to blow shit up.

Oh... - Get up!

Thank you.

What?

Oh, I need to stop doing drugs, man.

Oh...

Where the hell is Zach?!

I don't know. Fucking... pickup truck!

Ah, shit!

Come on! - Oh shit!

Where the hell is Zach?!

What the hell!

Oh fuck! Shit!

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on. - Go, go, go, go!

Hi... there!

You okay?

You look really scary. Um... you good?

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Okay here we go. I'm about to destroy some snowy ass.

Okay!

[THEY YELL]

Okay. Okay. Again.

Okay.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh! That freaking hurt man!

[RUMBLING]

Oh!

That was close. That was... argh...

Fuck!

Really?!

Lambert! Please!

Go, go, go, go! - Yeah, okay!

Ready?!

[THEY YELL]

Again! Okay. Oh shit! - Wa-ha-ha!

Oh shit!

Fuck! I got a bad feeling about this!

Fuck!

Fucking... Oh! Oh!

They have come to rescue us!

[HE CHUCKLES]

Oh shit! - Oh shit!

You shall die.

Like all your kind.

We will travel through the portal to your world -

and destroy it.

What?

A portal?

You know what? You just made a classic villain mistake -

wannabe Kurgan.

You just told me your whole plan. Yeah.

That's right.

It's too late. - Oh shit!

Please, please...

Please, please! Wait, wait wait!

Lambert?! - Greetings Zach.

You called?

Go!

In the end...

there can be only one.

Go, go, go! Zach!

Zach?! - Yes!

[RUMBLING]

What is he doing?

The bread! You fucking genius!

What?!

[LOUD FART]

Go take that shit there! Ha-ha!

♪ What the fuck dude? What you looking at? ♪

♪ Don't you see that I have the bigger bat? ♪

♪ I will fuck you up if you're in my way ♪

♪ I will knock you out, You won't be the same! ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

♪ You heard me bitch! Say what?! ♪

♪ You smell that? It's my shit! ♪

♪ Say what?! You heard me bitch! ♪

♪ Say what?! ♪

♪ Eat this, Creep motherfuckers! ♪

Yes!

Stupid, stupid heads!

♪ This time you get shot, motherfuckers ♪

♪ All the haters and the bitches ♪

♪ and the mockers - Yeah! ♪

Whoa!

Holy shit! That was wild.

That fucking worked! - That was fucking wild.

There can be only one.

Woo! Ha-ha!

I'm sorry.

I'm getting emotional.

Are you okay?

I am now.

Bro...

So...

We - we did it, huh?

Joe, come on here man! - Joe, come on!

Come on! - Joey!

You guys see this?

The key.

This unlocks the worlds,

connects the dimensions, releases the spirits!

With this key...

I have the power!

What the....

Give me the key!

Hello...

Gollum... Wake up! - What?

Dude? What happened?

You went like Lord of the Rings on us right there.

What? I...

Now what? - Oh shit!

I think this is... this is the moment we leave!

Zach!

Come on! - What, oh...

Guys! - Shit, shit! It's okay!

Oh guys!

Holy schnikeys!

This is some serious shizz.

Oh snap! They look legit. - Yeah.

At least they don't have green eyes.

[HE LAUGHS]

Guys. That dead guy...

he stole the key from Chicane to unleash the spirits

from another dimension

to finish what they started in World War II!

Right on, Agent Mulder. Right on.

Inform Chicane that we got it back.

Copy that.

Okay...

Let's just um...

let's just get out of here guys. Yeah?

Yeah. You're right. She's always right.

Yeah.

Alright.

Got it bro.

Yeah! Woo!

[APPLAUSE]

♪ It happened to us ♪

♪ But we made it through the night ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ Because we're all still alive ♪

♪ There are people dying ♪

♪ And we should have helped them ♪

♪ Oh, crap, you're right ♪

♪ We can make this world a better place ♪

♪ We are the world ♪

♪ We are survivors ♪

♪ We are the ones who survived this shit ♪

♪ So let's sue this fucking place ♪

♪ We are the world ♪

♪ We are survivors ♪

♪ We are the ones who survived this shit ♪

♪ So let's sue this fucking place ♪

Oh...

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh... oh shit!

What? - What?

It's my folks. I better get going.

Oh.

Guys.

Come on.

Buddy!

That was amazing!

Joe, man...

just... thank you...

for everything.

I fucking love you, man.

I love you too.

Shh!

Oh yeah. Uh...

Better wash them hands. - Come on!

Yeah, Mom? Yeah. I'm coming.

Best birthday ever!

Just go! - Yeah I'm coming.

I'll see you later!

He's something, huh? - Yeah.

Yeah. He's funny.

Yeah.

Well...

Well...

Now what?

Um... I mean...

I've never been in New Mexico...

That's true.

Um...

I think we should fix that. - Really?

Yeah.

Oh well, what would that be like?

I think, something like...

this.

[LAMBERT]: You did good kid.

[HE CHUCKLES]

You did good.

[HE WHISTLES]

Oh. Hi, Stepdad.

Jaakko!

Hey Daddy. - Wanna join?

Oh, hell no!

Heh. Double trouble.

Ba-na-na-na-na-now!

What's up everyone? Tom Cruise here.

Just kidding, It's Zach, but you already know that.

So, I guess you're wondering

what happened after that day, huh?

Well... my parents, they finally arrived -

and we had a wonderful birthday party

outside of the ski resort with Joe's family.

They had no idea what happened that night. And...

trust me, we kept our mouths shut.

My dad, he was just so thrilled that I finally got to meet

Christopher Lambert and so was I.

Who, by the way, escaped that night -

unharmed and totally kicked Kurgan's ass!

Believe it or not, we're actually in touch -

and he invited us over his house to screen Highlander -

anytime we want.

How freaking cool is that?!

Uh, you're probably wondering what's up with Jaakko?

Well... that little minion got kicked out of his house

but...

he now lives with the two lovely sexy nuns -

who, by the way just bought a dog -

and named him Zach.

Sweet. Huh?

Joe's been trying to text the one nun...

but unfortunately she's just been ghosting him.

So, that's like...

really sad for him in a lot of ways, uh...

But I know.

I know, you want to know what's up with Natalia and I, and um...

I owe you the truth.

We uh...

We didn't...

go to New Mexico...

but instead she came back with us to Oregon!

My parents totally fell in love with her!

And, yes...

I also fell in love with her.

She's, she's amazing.

So, the lesson is this kids.

Don't be afraid to fall in love.

Sure, yes. Fine. Sex is great, but love -

love is even greater!

Go out there!

Go find new adventures! Fall in love! Open your heart!

And if you're already in love, treasure it. Take care of it.

Take advantage of the greatest gift that life can give.

I'll quote John Hughes:

Life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and look around once in a while -

you could miss it.

Mm... - Wrap it up, Casanova.

Yep... um... and...

Alright. Have... have lots of sex.

Whoa!

I love you Mr. Snowman.

[LOW WARBLING]

I'll be back.

[HE CHUCKLES] - [ZACH]: Good job, man.

Yeah. This is live already, yeah.

Shh. Hey, hey, hey. This is Wild Pete here.

All well and all good I... I am fine. I'm...

Everything is good, I... I know if you happened

to listen to my show yesterday

you might be under the impression that,

that something, uh, really strange happened here

at the ski resort. Like some creatures like, you know -

killed people and stuff like that...

But... but, ha-ha!

I fooled you! Yes, this was all one big practical joke.

Yeah, this is the biggest practical joke

I've ever done on this show.

The Wild Pete Show. This is, this is big.

Well, I was under the influence of some alcoholic beverages...

I guess I had one or two, too many, than normally.

But things - things like that happen here.

Just regular, uh hangover, after the

normal, annual Monster Fest.

Like every... every year. Oh...

And most importantly our guest Mr. Christopher Lambert is fine.

He's fine, and nobody is suing anybody

or anyone or anything like that.

So everything is... is back to normal.

Just forget about it and...

and enjoy this beautiful day here in Vuokatti.

Hey can you bring me another beverage, I'm really...

I'm really hurting here.