Original subtitles

Hello there, sir. What I'd really like you to do is take a look at this little

baby. This little baby is an incredible piece of state -of -the -art video

merchandise and you can keep it in your pocket because it's pocket -sized. It

goes into one's pocket like... Not that pocket, but this pocket.

Did you see that?

Did you see what happened then? It went into his pocket because it's pocket

-sized. In, out.

In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out. What am I doing?

What am I doing?

What am I doing? I'm walking around with it in my pocket, and I can do that

because it's pocket -sized.

It is a pocket -sized... It's pocket -sized.

It's pocket -sized.

It's pocket -sized.

It's pocket -sized.

It's the size of a pocket!

Megascreen TV, madam. An excellent purchase, may I say.

Now, service is what we're all about here at Electroland, so my partner and I

will carry it out to the car for you, if you wish.

All right, madam, where's the car?

Oh, it's on the top floor.

Oh, that's okay. We'll just take the...

Stairs.

I get the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

This is going to be one of those days.

This is a show all about me.

And me. And all the things I do and all the things I see.

And also what I see. I get the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

As long as we're together, it'll be okay.

What's the matter with you, Colin?

You've been moping around the house for hours.

When are we ever going to keep a job for more than one day?

It's not the end of the world.

I think we should just put all our problems behind us.

We should move on.

Why don't we go out tonight and have a good time?

Maybe we should go down the pub.

We might even make some girls.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I'll just go to my door.

Are you going to say... That's better.

I really... think we should go out?

It's worth a try. I don't think so.

Give it a chance.

There's no way.

Come on, Cole.

I'm not sure.

Could just work. Do you really think so? You never know. But I just don't.

You're coming round. I think I am. That's the way. Let's give it a try. I'm

you. So am I. Come on, let's go.

Better get ready. Good idea.

I'm hitting the shower.

I am too. No, you're not.

I'd like to shower alone.

I mean, I like you.

I like you a lot. And we're going to go out tonight. It's going to be great. But

I'd rather shower by myself if that's all the same to you. Okay.

Hey! What are you doing with that?

I found it in my pocket.

I must have left it there when I was showing that customer.

But it's there for the boss day.

What's he going to do?

Fire us again?

I'll take it back tomorrow.

I thought we could make a little...

bits. Get out of here!

There's a smaller lucrative market for films like this, Carl, but I have to get

a good view. Hang on.

Don't move.

I'll shoot you from here. I'll kill you. I swear I'll kill you. Put that thing

down or you'll regret it.

Go into the other room.

Go!

You've got some chalk on your face.

Is it gone?

No.

Is it gone?

Not really.

Is it gone?

No.

It's gone now?

Yeah. All gone.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Bernies, Bernies, bulky Bernies.

You know, Frank, I think we're just kidding ourselves. We're not going to

any girls.

It's not going to happen.

You're right, it's hopeless.

Us and girls just don't seem to mix.

As much as we'd like to believe it, it's a fantasy.

Hi, fellas.

Excuse me, I'm talking to my friend here.

I don't think there's any way in the world that we're... I just thought that

might like to play doubles.

Rude!

You know, there's no way in the world that we're going to...

I put some music on to create the right atmosphere.

How about some jazz?

Yeah, not that sort of jazz. Right, okay.

All right.

How about a bit of this then?

How about I get us all a bit of a drink, eh?

Right.

Don't go away.

I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Bam!

If you stepped there, lived there for nine years, you'd think I'd remember it

was there.

Colin, it's all set up. No, don't show that video.

Don't show it.

Maybe I can make a film of you guys. No, don't video that.

ladies.

Sorry, what is it we've got?

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

kitchen for a minute, please.

Frank, do you realise what's going on here? This is the chance of a lifetime.

Don't stuff it up.

We've got to really impress the girls.

What can we do to really impress them? What can we do? What can we do? I know.

I could do my old man impersonation.

What's that?

No, they'll love this.

All I need is some spring onions. Hold on. Here we go. You know how, like, when

men get older, the hair in their nose and their ears keeps growing?

Well, this is what I'm going to look like when I'm old.

I don't think that's such a good idea, Frank.

Come on.

We've got to work out which girl goes with which boy.

Do you like one of the girls in particular?

Yep.

Which one? The dark one.

No, the blonde one.

I like them both in particular.

I just can't believe this is working out so beautifully.

Hey, guys.

Guys, come quick.

Look.

We just saw a man rob the house across the road.

Yeah, it was incredible. He just smashed the glass door to get out and then ran

off down the street. Yeah, but before he ran away, he took his balaclava off. We

got a really great look at his face. He had long, red, curly hair. Right. And

like a handle -button, it's dark.

What's the phone number of the police station so we can tell the cops? I think

the cops would know their own phone number.

Dial 000.

Damn, this phone's only got buttons. Give it that.

You call the cops and you tell them what you saw.

No, look, we can't do that.

There's something that we need to tell you.

We're both married.

Sorry.

So that is why you didn't want to be videoed. Yeah.

Not only are we married, but our husbands can be very jealous.

Violently jealous.

I don't think they'd be very happy if they found out we were here with two

Two men?

What two men?

Where are the two men?

You're the two men.

We're the two men!

That's right, and if they found out, well, they'd kill a lot of us.

They'd kill all of us.

They'd kill us, the new girls, and the two men.

Wow.

That sticks people dead.

We're the two men.

It's really quite simple. Why don't you ring the police and tell them that you

saw the robbery? You can give a description of the thief.

OK.

All right, thanks a lot, officer.

OK, see you.

Well, apparently he's a really well -known criminal, and with such a perfect

description, it couldn't be anyone else, so it's really straightforward.

Well, you know, this has been really quite upsetting.

I think we should go.

Go? Go?

Yeah. Me too.

You really don't have to go.

Hey, why don't you give us your phone number and we'll give you a call. You

come out, you know, another time.

I don't think so.

You know, we can play some more.

And now it's just back to our boring, normal selves.

So no more.

In.

All right?

Hello,

officers. Good morning.

I am Sergeant Pierce. This is Constable Abernathy.

And we need to talk to you.

Are you the person who reported the robbery across the road last night?

Uh, yes.

Yes, I am.

Right, well, that's very interesting.

Take a look around, Constable.

You see, the description you gave was an absolutely perfect match for a very

well -known petty crim.

So things seemed open and shut.

Unfortunately, he has an absolutely airtight alibi.

In fact, he was streaking at the cricket on live television at about the time of

the robbery.

He showed his nudie bits?

That's right.

And it was witnessed by millions of people.

He was arrested and then released about a half an hour later.

Would have been impossible for him to have been here at the time you said.

But I don't understand.

Let me tell you what I think.

I think you two guys are trying to set up that poor bugger.

You knew that everyone would assume that someone with a record like his was

guilty. But...

Found this behind the bar.

Ah, what have we here?

A maroon tracksuit.

A torch.

And a black balaclava.

Now, these look familiar, don't they, Constable?

Yes, Sergeant.

It's exactly what the carpet was wearing when he was captured on the security

video of the burgled house.

My God, we've been set up!

You've been set up?

You must be kidding.

No, that's why they didn't want to be videoed.

Don't move.

I'll shoot you from here.

I'll kill you.

I swear I'll kill you.

Put that thing down.

Or you'll regret it.

Go into the other room.

Go.

Move.

Frank, quick, let's get out the window and climb down the fire escape. Come on,

quick.

In here, quick!

Carl, I was thinking, is it too late to change places?

Frank was incredible.

I just saw the guy with the red curly hair and the scarred face. I don't know

where we are and I don't know what's going on, but I saw the guy.

Frank?

Frank? Frank?

Were you asleep?

I'm sorry, I always nod off in moving vehicles.

Let's look in the window and see if we can see the two men.

We're the two men.

We're not the two men.

We're not the two men.

We were the two men, but now we're not the two men. We are two men, but we're

not the two men.

We're not the two...

Hold on.

Stupid

bloody

idiots! Look what you've done!

Apology. I think the skinny one had his video camera.

You morons stay here. We'll handle it.

They're coming.

The girls.

The blonde one. And the dark one.

Which one do you like better?

Look, there's a car park. Let's hide in there.

I'm going to regret meeting those girls until the day I die. If you live that

long. Well, that sounded funny, you know, because of course I'm going to

until the day I die. Shut up!

I think they went down this way.

Hang on there, they're up here.

Um,

Cole?

We can't park here.

We're not allowed.

It's a personal car space. It's only for A. Beretta. We're running for our

lives! We're allowed to do whatever we want.

But you can get quite a substantial fine for parking illegally.

It's not even our car.

It's a stolen car, you...

away once. Would you just shut up about the car space thing, alright?

Come on, people.

This doesn't have to get ugly.

Just hand over the video and we can all go home.

The video camera's in my pocket and that's where it's going to stay. It fits

my pocket because it's pocket -sized.

It just so happens that this is also pocket -sized.

Be careful there.

We wouldn't want you cute boys to get hurt.

Are you just saying we're cute so you can get the video back?

Of course not.

I don't know whether to believe her or not.

Will you give us the video or won't you?

No.

Just about enough of this.

Hey, what are you...

I reckon we are the two men.

I win.

Right.

I wouldn't describe myself as a hero, you know.

I'll leave that up to the media.

Get that camera off my nudie bits! Get out of here!