Original subtitles

over here you stupid little skinny man you're lucky you have a more intelligent

friend around aren't you

I got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

This is going to be one of those days.

This is a show about me.

And me. And all the things I do and all the things I see.

And also what I think. I got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

As long as we're together, it'll be okay.

You know, Cole, I reckon we're both as dumb as each other.

Both as dumb as each other.

Both as dumb as each other.

Both as dumb as each other. Both as dumb as each other.

Cole,

red light!

That was your fault. You distracted me.

I just think that we're of equal intelligence... Oh, my God!

What? That man.

Over there. Yeah, what about him?

Can't you see?

He's got a... He's got a... He's got a... Beard!

Yeah, so?

He's got a beard, Carl.

Didn't you know?

I suffer from...

Yes!

Beard fear!

Frank, what the hell are you talking about?

Beard fear!

Beard fear, it's a... It's a phobia of men with... Beard!

He's coming over.

He's coming over.

Hello. Would you like your windscreen washed?

No! No! Get away from me!

No!

Okay, I was just asking.

Be it for you.

Be it for you.

You are without doubt the stupidest person I have ever met.

ever made.

do some lateral thinking games, okay? To see who's the smartest.

Do you know what a lateral thinking game is?

No.

Well, I tell you a mystery story and you have to try and guess what happened.

Okay? And you're only allowed to ask yes -no questions.

Okay. Ready? Yep. Here we go.

Fred and Ginger are lying on the floor in a pool of water surrounded by broken

glass. Dead.

What happened?

It's just a hypothetical.

They don't really exist.

Just try and guess what happened.

Just play the game.

I'm not in the mood for games, Carl.

Not anymore, not after this terrible tragedy.

Yes, it's time for Australia's favourite game show, Mindbender.

This is the perfect intelligence test.

Whoever can answer the most questions before the players on the TV will be

deemed the winner.

Welcome to Mindbender. I'm Greg Chalmers, filling in for Nick Hartley,

vacation. Where's Nick Hartley? I love the Nick Hartley.

Players, test your buzzers. Hugo.

Jemima.

Colin.

Frank.

Let's get started.

What is a glockenspiel?

What somebody says when they're trying to sell you a glockenspiel.

What is the sum of the inside angles of a triangle?

Albert Einstein.

Correct. Who created Tom Sawyer?

Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer.

Ix theology is the study of what?

Albert Einstein.

Correct.

Name three prime numbers.

Albert Einstein.

hell are you doing?

Well, I haven't got very much general knowledge, Carl, so I thought I'd try

using the law of averages.

What is the chemical symbol for sulfur?

Sugar. Yes, correct.

I didn't actually squeeze my buzzer there.

So, Hugo and Jemima have been neck and neck all show, so this question will

decide tonight's winner.

Who created the formula E equals MC squared?

Albert Einstein. Hugo.

Albert Einstein.

Correct!

intelligent oh my god oh my god my brain is just

too big it's too heavy i can't keep it up it's just too large frank

there's something i have to tell you there's just too much weight i

can't hold it frank will you be quiet i need

to do i look peculiar

Like, is my head out of proportion to my body because it's just so huge? Frank,

will you just shut up for a minute?

Like, I need props.

I need some sort of props to hold up my head because my neck hasn't got enough

strength. You know, and it's not all easy being an incredibly intelligent

person. There are, you know, bad sides.

Like, no, there aren't any bad sides. It's all fantastic.

I am just incredibly intelligent. I am just so unbelievably smart.

Oh!

Frank, what are... been trying to tell you is I let you win this whole time

I've been pretending to be dumb just so you can feel better about yourself but

I'm afraid I can't keep it up I hope this

doesn't sound like I'm overreacting

and squashed with a hammer.

I won fair and square and you know it.

Okay, fine, sure. If that's what you want to believe, that's fine by me.

No way.

No way. You can't do this.

All right, all right. We'll play again tomorrow night and when I beat you,

there'll be no question.

Okay, tomorrow night. Tomorrow night.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, no, hang on.

I can't play tomorrow night. I've got a doctor's appointment.

Really? Yeah.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine. I think I'm just coming down with a cold. Yeah, I'm sure

everything's fine. I hope so.

Yeah.

So, uh... The next night!

I didn't want to have to do this to you, but you forced me into it.

Just play the game.

Let's get started with the first question.

What city was Marco Polo born in?

Venice. Hugo.

Correct.

What is the speed of light?

186 ,000 miles per second.

Correct. Gee, that's fast.

Between what years was the Second Opium War between China and Britain fought?

1856 to 1860.

Hugo.

1856 to 1860. Correct.

Who am I?

1969.

Gee, Carl, I guess you are the more intelligent.

I'm tired.

I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow.

Carl, I thought you were lying and...

I guess there's something I should say.

I'm sorry.

That's why I'm afraid of beads.

Hello.

So, ladies and gentlemen, at this point, I'd like you to meet a new member of

our group.

This is Frank.

Hi, everyone.

Frank, maybe you'd like to tell us your story?

Well, when I was a boy, my mum took me to a theatre show of The Seven Dwarfs.

It was fantastic.

And afterwards, I hung around the stage door for hours, and eventually, one of

the dwarfs came out, and I rushed up to him, and I asked him for an autograph.

And he just took a drag on his cigarette.

And he blew smoke into my face.

And then he said, piss off kid, I've got your money, that's all I want.

And that was happy.

buying the ticket, Colin. That's okay, Frank.

I wish we didn't have that Ziffer sitting behind us, though.

Ziffer?

Yeah, Ziffer. Don't you know what a Ziffer is?

A Ziffer is the guy that sits behind you, and whenever something amazing

in the film, he just sits there and goes, Ziff.

Nothing annoys me more than a Ziffer.

I can't believe how much you've changed, Colin. The last two weeks have just

been amazing.

Not only are you a genius, but you're so generous too.

Like, one night, you display your supreme mind -bender skills. The next

you take me out to a movie.

Then, you impress me again with mind -bender.

The next night, we go out to dinner. One night, amazing mind -bender. The next

night, we go out again.

I just can't believe it. I love this strange, alternating lifestyle we've

into.

But, Cole, I don't want to lead you on and then hurt your feelings because, you

know...

We could never be anything more than just good friends.

I've got to go to an automatic teller machine.

I've got to get some...

Why

did you do that?

A guy I knew, Russell, once held his nose when he sneezed and both his

popped out of his face.

Who's the man with the gun?

What?

Who's the man?

With the gun?

Oh, is this another lateral thinking test?

So there's a man with a gun.

He's got a ski belt and a carver on.

Is he out in the snow?

No, he's standing right there.

You're only allowed to answer yes, no or irrelevant.

No.

I love these.

Is the victim somebody that he knows? No.

Is he Caucasian? Irrelevant.

I'm going to get this. I'm going to get it.

for the ballet The Nutcracker.

Hugo. Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaik... Tchaikovsky!

Oh, I must still have that cold. I've been sneezing all day.

Tchaikovsky!

You know, Colin, if you've got a cold, you really should cut out the dairy

products. What's with the cheese stick?

A guy I knew, Russell.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing about this Russell.

Oh, no, it's a different Russell.

He was on his deathbed with pneumonia, right? And his naturopath recommended

that he cut out the dairy products. He did so. The next day, he ran a 42

-kilometre marathon.

Really? Yep.

Well, a guy I know, Russell also, was in a terrible fire. He was burnt

horrifically. All his limbs were completely burnt off and his face was

disfigured. Then he cut out the dairy product.

Miraculously, his arms and legs grew back and now he's a highly paid model.

Did that really happen?

Wow,

what

an incredible story.

Okay, thanks a lot. Bye.

Frank, mindbender's starting.

You know, you should go on the show, Carl.

You could win heaps of prizes.

You are the game show god!

Frank, come on. That sort of showing off and parading of one's intelligence

isn't my style.

Gee, Carl.

You're so clever, but you're so humble as well.

Frankie.

Frankie wanky, come on.

As far as I'm concerned, there are more important things in this world besides

intelligence.

Honesty.

Sensitivity.

Humility.

These are the qualities that I truly value above all others.

Aren't you a great car?

Do you think I'll ever be as amazing as you?

Oh, sorry, I lost interest after I stopped talking.

Let's get started with the first question.

What do the initials DNA stand for?

Deoxyribose nucleic acid. Deoxyribose nucleic acid.

Correct. What is the only fish with a prehensile tail?

The seahorse. The seahorse. Correct.

Why not you?

It looks like Janet. Who composed the music for the ballet The Nutcracker?

Tchaikovsky. Hugo. Bless you. Tchaikovsky. Correct.

Hugo's off to a great start tonight. The pancreas. What internal organ creates

insulin? My pancreas.

What is the... Pancreas. Tchaikovsky.

1860 to minus 40.

Bill Clinton.

Who composed the music for the ballet The Nutcracker? Frank.

Yeah. Okay.

Obviously, I've got to make a confession.

I've been cheating. Okay.

Great. Thursday night. Bye.

What were you saying?

Oh, weren't you watching me then?

Oh, no. I was just on the phone to... Russell.

What was that? You said something about a confession.

There's something about the fact that you've been... Cheesing!

Cheesing.

Yeah, cheesing!

You know how I said I was going to cut out dairy products?

Well, I've been sneaking into the kitchen when you haven't been around and

cheesing down something rotten.

But, sir, we are desperate.

Look. I've already told you, boys.

I'm sorry, if you can't afford to pay, you can't stay here.

But we have nowhere else to go.

Will we have a trip or two to Germany?

What's going on? Where are...

Sorry, mate. You'll have to wait in the green room, please.

Hey,

can I help you, fellas?

No.

Beats.

Beats.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Welcome to Mindbender and thanks very much to Greg for filling in while I was

away.

Alrighty, let's get set up for the game. Let's meet our carryover champion

tonight, Hugo.

Sorry,

Hugo. Big night for Hugo this evening because if he wins tonight's program...

Steel. All right, then. Let's play Mindbender. Here we go. Round one. Hands

buzzers. 20 points each to start, and good luck to both of you.

What is the famous gimmick of the rock band ZZ Top?

Hugo. They're long.

No, taking too long to answer the question there, Hugo.

You've got to deduct five points from me there. The answer, of course, was

they're long beards. Never mind. Let's try question number two. Here we go.

What do the following have in common?

Noah. Abraham Lincoln, Karl Marx, Ned Kelly, Sigmund Freud, General Custer,

Stevens, and the entire male cast of The Fiddler on the Roof.

Well, no time's up. Never mind, of course, the answer is they all have

Everyone's big, bushy beards. We have thin beards, black beards, black beards,

grey beards, curly beards sometimes, or we have straight, long beards. Every

single one of us.

Darling, darling, I love you so much.

But how could you love me?

I'm such a freak.

Cole, it's time for you and I to go shopping.

Hello, Samantha.

And what are we having to gift shop tonight?

It's camping gear, Nick. Camping gear indeed. Presented, it seems, by our very

good friends from the Rounders Bushwalking Club.

And I can see that you've got some of your bushwalking friends in the audience

tonight. Good to have you in, bushwalking friends in the audience.

Okay.

You're my lawyer.

There must be something you can do.

They're suing me for malpractice.

My life has been ruined by... Beards.

I hate beards. I hate them!

Oh, my God.

I need to make an appointment to see you.

which means that Cole tonight is our winner.

Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have to agree, an extraordinary result in the history

Mindbender. That's the first time anyone's won the program without

answering a single question. So a big round of applause for Cole once again.

Sadly, Hugo's leaving us, our previous champion. Hello, mate. Do you know where

we can get the beer?

And the good news for you, Cole, is that you have won a trip for two to Germany.

How do you feel about that, Cole?

How about Einstein?

Yeah, good on you, Cole.

Still got that sense of humour. Well, it's time for Samantha and I to say

-night to you all. Thanks for watching. We'll see you tomorrow night. And I must

say that this new beard of mine, I think it'd be rather becoming. I think I

quite like it. A bit itchy on the old nose, though, but apart from that... Oh,

excuse me.

No!

I'm sorry I lied to you, Frank.

Yes, well, I'm a bit confused.

Excuse me.

This may sound like a strange and desperate request, but I've been

could I please have your airline...

You saved my life.

Well, your beard saved my life.

And Carl, I don't think I've got beard fear anymore.

Thank you.

Thank you. What can I ever do to repay you?

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye, helmet.

Bye -bye, Carl.

Bye -bye, bearded German man who took my trip to Germany.

You know, Carl, I still don't quite understand.

I set the video to record and learnt the answers.

But how could you?

I'm sorry.

No, I mean, how could you set the video to record? I wouldn't have a clue how to

do that.

It seems so complicated.

Like, there's so many different little factors you have to take into

consideration. Like, all those different buttons. I mean, like, there's that

plus and minus button. Do you use them? I mean, I'm never, ever very good at

maths, so that's a write -off for me right from the start. And then there's

other button. What is it? The next button. Do you use that, like, just when

you're going to program for the next show?

You get a blank video cassette, right? Right. And you put it into the VCR.

Oh, you need a video cassette?

Yes, you need a blank one to get the program actually on.

Oh, right. Where do you get that?

You get it from a shop.

Oh, right. Any sort of shop. Or just... Well, usually like a video shop. Oh, so

you have to hire it. No, you don't hire it.