Original subtitles

Come over here. Have a look at this.

It's the Penguin Man costume.

You know, from the Penguin Muffler ads on TV.

I love Penguin Man.

What an honour to be entrusted with the cleaning of Penguin Man's costume.

I love him. He's brilliant.

I love that little waddle he does.

Penguin Man's crap.

You take that back.

You take that, fuck you lot!

I got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

This is going to be one of those days.

This is a show about me.

And me. And all the things I do and all the things I see. And also what I see. I

got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

As long as we're together, it'll be okay.

Do, do, do, do, do.

Why don't we swap? You wash and I'll dry.

No, thanks. No.

I'd prefer not to get too close to the sink if you don't mind.

Why?

I'm afraid of water.

I can't swim.

Don't be ridiculous, Frank. Come here. It'll be fine.

Are you sure?

Yes.

and there was... Come

here, you little ragamuffin. Look, your shorts are all

crooked, and look at your cap, that's all skewiff, and let me straighten your

goggles for you.

You can do it.

That's it, Frank. Do it for me. Make me drown.

That's good.

Do it, Frank. Come on.

Swimming's fun, isn't it?

Don't get down in the dumps.

It's just a little further.

All right. You've got to do lots of... Oh, God.

anything I can do? You just stand right back. I need some room here. Everybody

stand right back, please. Okay, get right back, please. Give us some room,

please. Stand right back.

Madam, please get right back. Get right back, please.

You, you, come here. Get right back.

Right back. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Okay, come on, ladies and gentlemen. Stand right back, please.

Come on, right back. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Please stand right back.

Come on.

Get right back, please. He's a friend of mine. I'll look after him.

Please get right back, ladies and gentlemen. Right back.

He's a friend of mine. I'll look after him. Get right back.

Are my instructions unclear?

Are they a little blurry?

Get right back.

I'm writing in my diary.

All about my new girlfriend.

Frank, she was giving you mouth to mouth to save your life.

Rubbish. She was kissing me.

You're a noodle nut.

She's wonderful, Colin.

She's wonderful.

Oh, we have a love that is timeless.

We go together like Romeo.

and Juliet.

Samson and Delilah.

Shaggy and Scooby.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Happy anniversary.

Can I take your order?

Yeah.

Hey.

I know you, don't I?

I'm Garth Delancey.

Garth.

That doesn't ring a bell, no. The swimmer.

Swimmer. Swimmer.

I won a gold medal at the Moscow Olympics.

Really?

But no.

You are Penguin

Man from the deli! You're Penguin Man!

Oh, God!

Yeah, well, I do do some promotional work for Penguin Mufflers. Whoa!

I really just prefer it if he didn't make a fuss.

Hey, who wants Penguin Man to do his almost waddle? Shut up! Shut up about

Okay, Penguin Man.

I need to get shirt.

You large bird characters from TV are all the same.

to Wendy.

You're giving your toenails to her?

Yeah, some people give locks of their hair, but I love my hair too much, so

giving her these.

Oh, Frankie, you're so naive. You've got no idea how to

woo a woman.

Don't be crude.

Crude? What are you talking about?

Woo a woman.

Doesn't that mean get with a woman and go, woo?

No, it means to court a woman.

Well, once I've caught a woman, I hope we get to go, woo!

frankie but luckily for you you've got me to teach you the elusive

art of seduction okay frank when trying to attract women you have

to be delicate but you also have to be creative you know try something a little

out of the ordinary watch the master at work

Sorry. Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

you back to the pool to show you how to win the heart of your beloved.

Hang on, I've just got to get some sunscreen.

Frank, you better go to the change rooms and smarten yourself up so that when

Wendy sees you, she'll see you at your best.

You all right?

No, not really.

Scar.

I just don't know what to say to him to let him know that I...

what's happened to him.

I still love him.

Maybe if you're finding it difficult, you could write everything down and let

him know in a letter.

A letter?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Good. Thanks.

introduce you to the greatest aphrodisiac known to modern humanity the

pool

Frank, look, Wendy's just come on duty as the lifeguard for the diving pool.

This is your big chance to impress her.

Told you before, no running by the pool.

She wasn't looking. I'll have to try again.

No, try again.

It is the emperor of belly whackers.

Okay, my boy.

That doesn't seem to have worked.

I think it's time he brought out the big guns, Frank.

The ten metre tower.

Frank, come here. Come here!

Now, Frank, this is your big chance to

impress Wendy. Now, I've got a plan. Listen carefully.

You've got to settle yourself.

Good plan.

Walk slowly and carefully along the rail.

Good plan. Go right up to the edge.

Good plan.

And then jump off, doing a triple back somersault with four twists.

Bad plan.

Frank, come on.

Do you want Wendy to be yours or not?

Oh, Danny

boy.

The pipes, the pipes are...

What's wrong?

What's the matter? What is it?

At the shopping centre, I did an experiment.

I asked people to raise their hands if they knew I'd won a gold medal, and

nobody did. Not one single person.

You know what this means, don't you?

I've become Penguin Man.

I am Penguin Man.

I hate what I've become. I hate Penguin Man. I hate...

Sweetheart.

Penguin Man.

Nice cup of tea.

I hate... Hey, Wendy, where are the swimming tickets?

They're on my deck.

I'm going to kill...

their certificate.

All right, guys, here we go.

Dearly beloved, I'm writing this to tell you how much I love you.

You're the only man I could ever love.

Yours always, Wendy.

She loves me.

She loves me.

realise you were appearing in the pool today.

I wish my friend Cole was here. He loves you.

Cole! It's you!

Black wings and they don't fly and it's hard to move in them. I hate the look

and the tail.

Teresa.

Sweetheart, don't just stay here.

I've gotta find something.

life is just crumbling around me. I don't know why I'm surprised.

Who would want to love anyone as pathetic as me?

My life is...

This is all your fault. I hate you, penguin man.

But darling, you're penguin man.

So it's true. That's how you see me too.

You are my dark nemesis, penguin man. I knew I must meet you face to face and

battle you for control of my mind. Darling, what's wrong with you? Now I

kill penguin man.

But you can't hide.

Get back!

It's your daughter's pistol, penguin man. I used to be an Olympic swimmer,

remember? Before you destroyed everything.

What are we going to do, honey?

I'm going to kill you, penguin man.

Once and for all.

Do something, darling.

I can see my flat from here.

feelings for me were just a creation of my own imagination well

i'll never let that happen again