Original subtitles

I don't eat the pizza!

Oh, Jesus!

Jesus! Jesus!

Jesus!

Hot!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

And stuck!

Hot! And stuck!

Burnies, burnies, hot pizza burnies!

Watch it, mate.

Oh.

Pizza?

That's it. Can we have some pizza?

You want some pizza?

Stupid.

What'd you say?

He called you a stupid moron.

Morons, are we?

We'll never see you again.

We won't be so friendly.

Good park.

I got a feeling.

Got a bit of an inkling.

This is gonna be one of those days.

This is a show.

And me. And all the things I do, and all the things I see. And also what I see.

I get a feeling, got a bit of an inkling, as long as we're together.

believe you sometimes, Frank.

If it wasn't for your big mouth, we would never have gotten fired.

And I don't think you understand how serious this is.

Pizza was my life.

I was a pizza man. It was in my blood.

My whole identity was wrapped up in delivering pizza.

It was what I did.

It was who I was.

It was our first day.

Okay, but it felt right.

And now it's all gone.

And guess what?

I think when we lost our job, we lost our friendship too.

I'm sorry, Frank, but you've proved time and time again what a selfish and

irresponsible person you are.

And frankly, I don't think I can be your friend anymore.

What do you mean you can't be my friend?

Carl, our friendship can't be over.

You're the only friend I've got.

Come on, Carl.

You're making a mountain out of a very big hill.

Look, why don't we just... Get away from me!

Just get away!

I jarred my finger then.

It got caught on your shirt and jarred.

You did that on purpose.

You pushed me.

You made sure that your shirt was hanging in such a way that when I pushed

my finger would get caught!

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You did it on purpose. You did.

You're an on -purpose jarrer.

To think I used to be your friend.

I was a friend of an on -purpose jar.

Oh. I thought I knew you.

I didn't think you were perfect, but I didn't think you were this evil. I

think you were an on -purpose jar.

I'm going. I'm getting out of here.

Don't you think you're overreacting? I'm not overreacting.

You can't be trusted.

You've changed. You've gone weird.

I'm going.

There must be some way that we can save our friendship.

Hey, there's a long weekend coming up.

Why don't we get away and have a great time together?

Come on, Carl. Come on, give it a chance.

The boys, back together again.

Come on.

Like we used to be.

Come on, the boys on the loose.

Looking for action.

What?

that beach holiday. Then we got up to all that wild stuff.

And you, you had that affair with that married woman.

I'm getting confused.

I was sure that was you.

Did we ever help a whale get free?

Don't push it.

I nearly forgot.

Why are you taking an oar? In case we hire a canoe.

Yeah, but the canoes come with oars. I want to use my oar. Why?

My great, great, great grandfather gave me this oar. What?

He gave it to me a few years ago. It's one of my most prized possessions.

How could your great, great, great grandfather have given it to you? He

have died about 100 years ago.

No, he's still alive.

Oh, sorry.

He's not my grandfather's father's father's father.

He's just my normal grandfather, but he's a really great, great, great

grandfather.

He's really great.

I love him.

Stretchy straps.

There we go. One.

All right. There's two.

All right. Be careful. Be careful.

Careful. All right. Where's the other? Right. There we go.

Frank, whatever you do, don't let go of your N.

What? I said don't let go.

No, I can't.

Okay, Frank, let's just check the things we had to do before we left the house.

Firstly, the things I had to do.

Check the doors and windows are locked.

Yep. Plan the route and check the map.

Yep. Cancel the paper delivery.

Yep. Defrost the fridge.

Yep. Water the plants.

Yep. Remind the neighbours to feed the cat.

Yep. Cole, we haven't got a cat. But their cat's looking really skinny.

Right, Frank, those are the things I have to do. What was the one simple task

that you had to achieve? That was to book the caravan park.

I was wondering if I could book a caravan for you. Frank, what are you

You weirdo!

Who was that?

Some crank ticker.

But I didn't hear the phone ring.

I called him.

Come on, Frank, we've got to get out of here.

I've just got to call Grandma Cole and let her know that we're going away. You

know how she worries?

All right, but make it quick.

I was wondering if I could book a caravan for the weekend.

No, no, no, this weekend starting today.

Yeah, I know it's late notice, but you've got to... Nothing at all.

Look, you've got to fit it in.

You see, my mate Cole, he's going to kill me. In fact, I am not asking you.

I am telling you that you have to get us a caravan.

Hello?

Hello?

Frank, what's wrong?

Grandad's dead.

Frank, didn't your grandad die five years ago?

I think it's time you got over it.

Remember? We were sitting at home and you had to go down to the shops and I

the phone call saying that he died and when you got back from the shops I

told...

wrong frank frank stop shaking what are you nervous or something no i'm i'm

shivering because i've i've got a fever i've i've caught the flu and i'm too

sick to go on the holiday

Satan. You were meant to write, I love Satan.

What are people going to think when they read, I love Sutton?

Hey, mate, do I look like the kind of guy who'd be into Quality Manchester?

Hey, you look familiar.

Do I know you?

Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...

He's my cousin.

He's from overseas.

He's on holiday.

All right.

Fair enough.

Hey, I know you.

You're that pizza dude.

Hey, guys, Mr Pizza's back in town.

orders ready yet? Oh, they're just out the back. I'll go and grab them.

Well,

I'll see you soon.

So much to teach those hoons a lesson.

Hey, cop.

Can you remember that film that we saw once about those two pizza delivery guys

who got hassled by a gang of hoons? I love that film.

That was us.

That wasn't a film.

That was us!

That'll be the doctor!

The doctor?

Come on, Frank, it's going to be fine.

It's for your own good.

This won't hurt a bit.

Okay, Doctor, I'm sure you know what you do.

Annie Boy!

The pipes, the pipes are cool.

I know that, but I don't think you understand my position.

You have to get us a caravan.

A week.

No, you obviously don't understand.

In a week, I'll be dead.

Bye. Carl, I've only got a week to live.

That was the doctor.

She said you were fine.

She got back some surprise test results.

I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

Tom, you don't... Come here, Matty, come on. You don't usually... You've

never...

So am I to understand that... Right, I understand.

Thanks for calling.

Gifted, that was Frank.

It was the man from the caravan park.

And guess what?

He's had a cancellation.

He can fit us in.

Even though we haven't bought...

Surprise!

Now, what the hell's going on?

You're going to tell me the truth and you're going to tell me now!

All right.

All right, if you want the truth, I'll tell you the truth.

I am an alien.

Frank!

Now, you are going to stand here and tell me the

truth!

party for me have you or have you not been sick

did you or did you not ring your grandmother

did you or did you not receive a prank get off me

here's the biggie

did you or did you not book the caravan like i

You call yourself my friend, but you never show it.

You never do anything for me.

You're so dumb, aren't you?

You're such an idiot.

You're so stupendous.

I don't think you know what that word means. I know exactly what it means.

And you're just jealous.

Because you know I'm so much better.

You know I'm superfluous.

Is that how you count me down?

I'm going to count to three.

And if you're not down, I'm going to get you down myself.

One!

Hello, Mr.

Pizza Man.

It's about time we made pizza out of you.

Oh, no.

He's got a sprain.

A sprain.

Oh, no, don't.

Stop. Please, don't.

He's got me.

No, no, Percy, no.

Stop.

No, no, not my car.

Not my car, please.

Please, don't. Not my car. Thank you.

You didn't really think we'd be afraid of that, did you?

No, but I was hoping you might be afraid of this.

Thanks, Frank.

Give us a look at this.

It's fantastic.

Where did you get the idea for the flamethrower?

I saw it in a film once.

Although in the film, it blew up and killed the guy.