Original subtitles

Ooh, check this one out! "Here lies Damien Marrow. A fishmonger.

Always had a smile on his face." Aw, that's nice!

How many are you planning to read?

I dunno. Another 80...maybe?

Why, are you not enjoying it? No.

Of course not. It's incredibly boring and creepy.

I've no idea why you wanted to come here.

I find their lives...interesting. Why?

They're dull as shit. I couldn't just be some smiling fishmonger.

Ah, it'd be OK. You'd eat well!

I don't want "OK".

I want fucking great.

I want to sail through a storm and ride a white deer

and have sex in the graveyard.

Yeah, er...bit disrespectful though, isn't it?

And chilly.

You're too safe, Marcus. You may as well just jump in the grave now.

Er...OK, well, if it's naughty grave sex you want, let's do it.

Right now. Yeah, right.

You couldn't handle it.

Mmm.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

# When in Rome

# Do as the Romans do

# Far from home

♪ All I got is you ♪

How can anyone be "too safe"?

That's like a toilet being too clean.

I think she's gonna dump me. Whoa, no, you'll win her round.

Just give the girl a bit of danger. I am terrible at danger, though.

Maybe I'll take her on a mini-break to Tuscany.

There are some fairly hazardous hill walks.

Yeah, that might not cut it, bro.

So what do I do, buy her a pet crocodile?

Push her down a well?

Holy Jove, God of Thunder.

What? There's a hottie in the office!

Finally! I was beginning to think it was company policy

that female staff had to be total gorgons.

Ah! Apart from Flavia, of course!

Oh... Yeah, but Flavia's senior management

so that comment obviously doesn't include her.

Hey! Hi, Flavia.

A bold but unconvincing recovery, Shredder.

Yeah. You've noticed Pandora, then?

Pandora?! Oh, her over there! Yeah.

I can see her now. Is she new, then?

Indeed, she is. The board are planning to fast-track her.

As is Stylax, I expect.

Well, , she's been selected for her intelligence

and good judgement, so I can't see that happening.

Oh...

Gawping over, back to work!

It's a step down from the palace, but it has a certain...

gritty charm.

Oh! Er...what's that?

And a shitty charm. Yes...what are the neighbours like?

Grumio, what are you like?

I'm all right. He's "all right"!

Oh, right. Well, yes...that'll do.

Good. Good.

Grumio, this is your new neighbour, Strabo.

Play nice, won't you?

Hey, Pandora, is it? I'm Stylax.

That's great. If you've got a memo, please just pop it in my inbox.

Oh, no, I don't have one of them.

Just thought I'd come over for a chat.

And that's super, Stylax, but I am currently streamlining

the company's internal communications system

and learning Greek. So now really isn't the best time.

How about tonight, then? I could help you bed in here.

And thanks so much, but I've already had a full staff induction.

Tomorrow, then? Tomorrow's basket weaving,

then I'm in a conference in Rimini.

Week after's chocca... How about...April?

April this year? Uh-huh.

How's your diary looking? I don't own a diary.

Perfect. Well, ping me a couple of dates

and we'll find a window.

So you're going to wait until April?

April, schmapril. I'll find a window before that, you know,

- hoik it open and slither in. - Oh, how romantic

Oh, give us a hand for a second, would you, lads?

The landlord's only gone and talked some other stupid sucker

into moving in here. Oh! Go landlord!

Carefully, please, precious cargo.

All right, this is Strabo.

Me and the big man are helping him move in.

Right... Cos it looks more like you are eating his food.

All part of the service. Sorry about this.

Oh, you spicy bugger! What is it, G man?

Indian food. They call it takeaway, cos you can take it...away.

You can eat in, as well. Honestly, the things this guy knows.

Oh, cool, you've got ants!

They're for my work. I call them my assist-ants.

What do you do, transport leaves?

No. I'm a weatherist.

My ants react to tiny changes in the atmosphere,

which I use to create a forecast.

I did it for the Emperor until recently.

Wicked, what's he like? Shorter than he looks in statues.

This one is called Mark Antony.

He's my most trusted barometer.

At least I think this is him.

Go on, then, give us a prediction.

Very well. I scribbled something on a scrap of papyrus..?

Ah, yes, that's the chap.

"Tomorrow is overcast with occasional sunshine."

Classic.

followed by heavy rain in the afternoon."

Sorry. Did you just say "tremor"?

"Followed by heavy rain in the afternoon." Yes.

Tremor, as in earthquake?

According to Mark Antony here, it's more of a flutter than a tremor.

Perfectly safe, but people tend to panic

when you start talking about earthquakes.

Thinking they are going to die and whatnot!

So best not to spread it around.

Hmm?

So...there's gonna be an earthquake tomorrow.

What?! How do you know?

I have it on the highest authority. Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you've found God!

Pass me some of those grapes will you?

Not God, my new neighbour. He's a weatherist.

Excuse-moi, he's a what? A weatherist.

A scientist of weather. He used to work for the Emporer.

He's legit, I promise. Are you serious?

An earthquake, here in Rome?

Maybe don't tell anyone, might cause a bit of panic.

What are we going to do?

I guess, get some supplies in. Drink whatever it is you're making

and just embrace the danger... and of course...each other.

Is it going to be a big one?

Well, he can't say for sure. Because that would be amazing!

Pretty big. Yeah, a bloody whopper. Properly dangerous.

I knew you'd win her round.

It was mainly thanks to our weird new neighbour and his ants.

They're the real heroes.

What about when the earthquake never happens?

I guess, as your girlfriend she's used to disappointment!

Oh, yeah, she's gonna be really gutted

she's not under a pile of rubble.

It's all about the build up. That's the sexy bit.

That's why people bang each other on sinking ships and stuff.

Of course they don't, it would be far too wobbly.

When faced with death, people just dump everything and hump anything.

In fact...ooh!

Where are you going? Is this to do with humping?

Oh, he's had a humping idea. Tell me what it is? No.

Bad friend! Bad person!

Mmm.

Here, you missed a bit.

Ta.

How was your meal, sirs?

Cracking, thanks. Real spicy.

Not too spicy, I hope?

Nah, nah, nah. Nice and spicy.

I tell you what, grab us two more yellow currys, would you?

Coming right up, sirs.

Actually, what's that red curry they're eating over there?

That is a speciality of the house. Very, very spicy.

Oh! Give us that one this time, please. Good call.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, but the red curry is only for regulars.

What?! Why?

It's for your own safety, sir. It requires a sturdy constitution.

Sturdy constitution? You're talking to a man

who'll quite happily eat out of a bin.

And it's an honour to have you dining with us, sir,

but it will be the yellow curry.

Red curry. Yellow curry. Red curry. Yellow curry.

Yellow curry. Re-

I'll send some complimentary papadums.

Salve, Pandora.

Hi, Stylax. No time for chit-chat, I'm afraid.

I've got to action all of these memos before today's budget meeting.

Very much looking forward to touching base in April, though.

Oh, no, no. This isn't chit-chat, this is work.

I've got a work memo for you.

Ah, OK, what am I filing it under?

Er...I guess it's social, with a hint of health and safety too.

Well, let's hear it and I'll make a call.

All members of staff are cordially invited to the copy room

tomorrow afternoon... Yeah. That's definitely social.

..cos there's gonna be an earthquake.

Oh! Wow! Gosh! I see.

That is more health and safety now. Yeah.

Come and hunker down... "Hunker down..."

..in a safe, but fun, environment.

Wear loose clothing.

I'll get that off right away. Great.

Oh, and of course, do make sure you come along.

Erm...that's going to be tough, Stylax,

because I'm really getting slammed here with work.

Bring it with you. Treat my desk as a hot desk.

Is it a hot desk? It would be if you were at it.

Huh?

Just get on the cart, Delphine.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

Hey, everything all right?

Can you talk to her, please?

She's refusing to leave and there's gonna be a bloody big earthquake!

I did say not to tell anyone. I only told Maya...

..and the other guys on the cart...

Delphine? ..and Gregory.

Ah, you told your ex!

I am not on my own, I am with Marcus.

Marcus? This guy, Marcus? He's staying for the earthquake?

Oh, I can't wait! I am all about the earthquake.

If it's too real for you,

by all means, scamper off out of here...Greg.

You are really staying with him?

OK. Safe trip, then. Off you pop.

- Bon voyage. - Hey, on.

They are so pathetic. Well,

these things really separate the men from the boys, don't they?

And on the plus side, we've got the whole place to ourselves.

Hey, Strabo.

Terrific forecast, earlier.

Please pass on my thanks to the ants.

Yes, will do. Are you going somewhere?

Mm...I thought I'd go and stay with my sister.

Yes, my reading for tomorrow's changed somewhat, you see?

Oh, right. What's going on? There is still a tremor?

Oh, yes, but it may be a bit bigger. Bigger?

How much bigger?

Well, I checked with the ants and they were quite, well...antsy.

They are now suggesting a full-blown earthquake...

but I'm sure it will be fine, though.

What? No, you're not. You're gonna stay with your sister.

Yes, that is true.

The ants can be wrong, of course. So it could be nothing, then?

Oh, absolutely. It could be nothing.

Excuse me.

You're completely overreacting, the guy's a gibbering looney.

He's a respected weatherist... ..who talks to ants!

He knows his stuff.

Yesterday, he said it would be overcast with sunny spells.

And Io...it was! That's not Io, that's default forecast.

He could have just said, "There'll be weather".

I trust him. He said curry were nice and it is...very nice.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's a monster quake on the way.

Oh...so presumably you'll wanna get out of town, then.

Nah, sounds like a right faff. Uh-huh? What about you, then?

Oh, no, I've got to hunker down with Pandora.

This might be the only time she can...slot me in.

I figured you might prioritise slotting yourself in over survival.

At least I'll die happy, Marcus.

Come on, we're gonna be late for work. What?!

I'm not going to work. There's gonna be an earthquake!

Whatever! See you tonight, then.

I sincerely hope so. Yeah, I'll see you tonight!

Morning, Shredder.

Oh, hey. Where is everyone?

Good question. No-one seems to have shown up.

That's weird. Isn't it?

One wonders if it has anything to do with the memo you sent yesterday

informing them there'd be an earthquake?

Well, no, that was meant as an invitation, not a out-vitation.

Well, your out-vitation has lost me my whole staff.

Not your whole staff! No.

A few of the keenest beans and saddest sacks

have decided to brave it.

Morning, guys. Oh, great! Hey, morning, Pandora.

So sorry that I'm late,

but I've been at a breakfasting network event.

Have a terrific day. Yeah, let's really make it count.

I hope for your sake there's a catastrophic earthquake, Shredder,

or you are so fired!

OK. Fingers crossed.

What can I get you, gentlemen?

And I'm afraid I still won't be able to serve you the red curry.

Yeah, that's fine, we're not hungry today.

We just thought we'd come by to let you know about the earthquake.

The what?

Any minute now. Gonna squash the lot, apparently.

Here they come.

We are in bloody business here.

Move it!

This is so annoying.

We still need candles, rope, bandages. Bandages?

Definitely? And everyone's closing!

Look!

Hey, I was thinking, why don't we do something crazy and spontaneous?

Sure, OK, great. Like what?

Like, I dunno...go to Tuscany for a mini-break?

It doesn't sound that crazy. But it would be spontaneous...

if we go now, jump in a cart and just head for the hills!

But then we'd miss the earthquake? Oh, yeah, I guess we would!

And you are all about the earthquake, right?

Yeah, course.

I'd just rather be all about it from Tuscany.

We can go afterwards if we are still up for it, then.

And I guess...alive?

I'll pick up the bandages and the rope.

You go and get some candles from your place.

And then we'll meet back at mine.

And hurry...this could be a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Yeah, I know.

It could well be.

Where are you, you red bastard?

Bingo. Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. Nearly took my schnozz off!

Mmm.

Oh, praise Jupiter...and of course, the Indian God of lovely grub.

Amen.

Haw...haw...haw.

Is it hot?

Hot...hot.

Norks alive!

I don't think I can take it. Don't let it beat you, big boy.

Come on, chew through the pain! Ow! Ooh, mamma!

Ooh, mamma. Mamma.

It's only Marcus! All right, landlord.

Got any plans for this "earthquake"?

Yeah, I think I might die in it.

Oh, fair do's. I'm getting out of here.

Between you and me, I built this place on the cheap.

No, what a surprise A fruity fart could blow it down.

Right, well...make sure they put something appropriate on my grave.

Like, "Here lies a fucking bell-end."

No problem. Oh, you've not seen Davus, have you?

I saved him a seat in the cart.

No. I suppose you'll have to go without the big bozo.

You don't want it, do you?

25 dinari each way.

50 for priority boarding or any luggage over three kilos.

Sorry, I had to squeeze one out.

I don't like shitting by the road.

Course not, you're a lady.

Are you coming, then?

Thanks so much for coming.

Do you want to take off your coat, maybe?

Er...I won't. I'm just putting in face time, can't hunker long.

Of course. Would you like a glass of water while you're here?

Thank you, I would.

Aurelius? I'm not helping you out, mate.

Come on, it's your job.

OK, but only for her.

So what's the gameplan here? I guess we just hunker and wait.

Ah, because I should flag up

that I do have a basket weaving class starting imminently.

Yeah, it should be here any sec.

Er...have you been in any other natural disasters?

Erm...let me think...

not a disaster as such,

but we were snowed in when I was a child.

We couldn't open the door because of all the snow.

Wow. So what happened? It melted, presumably.

Er...stay out of this, please.

Did it? It did, yes.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to duck out now, guys.

Wait...I think I can feel it coming!

Holy Jove, can you feel it?

No. Yeah, I'm really not getting any vibes on this one.

Look, forget basket weaving. I can't. We're doing handles today.

There's an earthquake coming! And I wish the timing was better

but I really can't squeeze it in right now.

Thanks again for the water.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh...

Hot!

Oh!

Did you hear that?

I can't hear shit, all my senses are numb.

There was a rumble. Probably my tummy.

No, no. It was bigger than that. Your tummy?

I think it was the earthquake.

Hmm...sweet.

Ah, bollocks.

I'd better go and find the wife and kid really.

My missus will be well angry if she dies and I'm not there.

Right...I reckon I'll press on.

Well, have a good quake. Better catch you, big lad.

Hot!

Shredder?

You're still here, I see.

Well, you know, I take my job very seriously.

Yes, of course. Hence inventing an earthquake

in order to lure co-workers to a panicky fuck-fest!

I didn't invent it, exactly.

No? Then where did this rumour of yours come from?

And make this good or you will lose your job.

Well, my neighbour's got these ants that know the future.

And you're fired! Here is your contract,

if you'd like to perform your final act of shredding.

I...

Ants indeed!

I've never heard anything so preposterous.

Yeah, I know! The guy's a crackpot!

I think I might hunker down here, just in case.

Mmm...I think I might join you.

Here it comes. Brace yourselves.

God! Whoa!

Urgh! Get off me, you pervert.

You all right, Mum?

Huh! This beaky bastard tried to molest me.

I didn't. It was the quake, it...

Hang on, has it finished?

Yeah. I'll turn her around.

That was the earthquake?

What a load of rubbish.

Back we go. No refunds.

I expected that to last longer.

Sorry, it usually does.

I meant the earthquake! Oh, yeah, of course.

Thought it would be bigger.

Erm...the earthquake again?

Yes. Although the earth didn't really move

in either regard, to be honest, Shredder.

So not like that was payment or anything,

but could I have my job back now, please?

You may... Yes! ..provided you never breathe a word of this to anyone

as long as you live.

Oh, yeah, obviously. What?! What do you mean, obviously?

Oh, nothing, I just...

my lips are sealed. Good. Now get out!

Same time next earthquake? Out!

OK.

Hey. So sorry.

It took ages to find my candles.

And then I got trapped under a sort of...beam!

Uh-huh? Was it before or after you got a lift out of town?

I... Sorry, what?

I saw you in the cart. You sneaky little rat.

Right.

What's that shit on your tunic?

Er...it's supposed to be rubble.

Hey, Marcus. What's he doing here?

And also in a towel?

Where were you, man? You missed our little party.

What? Did you..?

With him?

There was an earthquake. We thought we were going to die.

And you were supposed to be out of town, you Gallic git.

I came back.

It's times like this where you realise who you care about most.

She wasn't the Gaul for you. I've always said that.

You like mini-breaks, she likes earthquakes.

Yeah...how was the office, then?

Did you manage to "hunker down"?

Uh-huh. Yeah, it wasn't quite what I had in mind,

but I did do some hunkering.

Well, at least things worked out for one of us.

Er... Hey up? Look who it is?

Oi! So much for your giant earthquake.

Oh, yes, I know.

The ants pass on their profound apologies.

Some of their predictions are built on shaky ground,

as it were.

Oh, look, it's starting to rain! They did get one thing right.

Yeah, great, because things weren't shit enough already!

Hey up, that's not rain, mate. That's snow!

Yes! Ha!

It's snowing! See... things couldn't be any better.

Hey!

Boom!

All right. Er...Grumio!

subtitles by Deluxe