Original subtitles

Excuse me, we're looking for the deli counter.

Certainly. Turn left at Lighting and it's just past Ladies Wear.

Nice one, ta.

We should leave. People are giving us some pretty dirty looks.

No, we fit right in, man!

Sure, we might not be cash rich, but it's obvious we're classy guys.

Here we go, the taster counter.

Get stuck in, it's free. Yep, really classy.

If you load up, you can taste a full meal.

Can I help you, gentlemen? We're just browsing, thanks.

And eating.

I'm browsing with my mouth.

Just having a little taste - try before you buy.

And are you planning to buy that chicken leg?

Probably not now, to be honest. We're sorry about this.

No, we're not! This is totally legit.

For all this guy knows, we could be mega-minted poshos in disguise.

It would be a superb disguise. Cheers.

Take us to the bed section, my good man. I want to try one of them.

Mm-hm. Security!

Agh. This chair is like a torture device.

I've asked Flavia for one with back support so many times.

At least you get a chair. I have to stand still all day.

Think you could stand a bit stiller? Hard to score if you're jiggling.

I don't want you to score!

Come on! Getting balls in your jug is the only fun part of my day.

Stop it! Calm down.

I don't want them in my jug. Open your mouth, then.

Give him something to aim at. I don't want your balls in my mouth!

It might shut you up for once, water boy.

Sorry. He's been trying to get balls in my jug all day. I don't care.

Paper balls. Stop talking. Water man.

Boys, I'd like to introduce you to Ramases, he's on work experience.

Hey, guys. Cool office.

I'm giving him a tour of the company,

starting with the talking turds in the copy room and working up.

We should press on before we catch worms.

Could I stay and play the jug game for a bit, please?

No, we're going to the grain store. Chop, chop!

Have you thought about my request for a chair with back support?

I have, and if the problem persists, I will take steps...

It will - ..to hire a copier with a stronger back.

Right. I'm sure I'll manage, then. Good-oh.

It's so bloody demeaning.

Even that gimpy work-experience kid is treated better than us.

You can say that again. He's got a sedan chair, look! Hup!

Oi, Ramases! It's Stylax and Marcus, the talking turds.

Oh, hey, guys. Is this sedan chair yours?

It's my dad's, actually.

I sort of crashed my one taking it off-road.

Holy shit! I know, it was really stupid and I've learned my lesson.

My dad's one's way bigger, though, if you guys need a lift.

All right. Who's the flat-top?

This is Ramases. He's Egyptian.

Oh, right, yeah. Them the ones with the pointy houses?

Pyramids, yeah. Please, guys, you can call me Rambo.

I said Rambo could join us for dinner tonight, eh, Grumio?

Fine, yeah. There is no dinner.

Right. First-class slaving.

It's cool. I've got my dad's charge card for the Emporium

if you wanna run and grab some stuff.

Wicked. I mean, I'd rather not run but...

So take the sedan, if you like.

Yeah.

I do like.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, not you again. Shoo!

Hop it. I will not allow you to ravage our luxury foods.

How about I buy 'em, then?

Ptolemy Hachmenenet?

Is the name of my master, yes.

He sent me to fetch his scran.

And I am absolutely delighted you chose us, sir.

Pray tell what your master is craving and I will do my utmost to help.

I thought you might. Well, he mainly likes meat.

Lovely. Shall I fetch a basket?

Get a trolley, I would.

I thought I'd cover all the major food groups.

So sorry about this, Rambo. It's cool, man, it's Dad's money.

He won't even notice.

You ever had mice?

We have, but more as an infestation than a delicacy.

So is Daddy properly loaded?

Er...yeah, I guess so.

He owns, like, a shipping company and a sawmill thing

and a marble... whatever it's called - hole?

Quarry? Yeah!

And the grain company.

The grain company that we work for? He owns that?

Yeah.

Well, I actually own it now. He kind of gave it to me.

Boom! Well done, Rambo. Well, sort of.

I'd much rather be working at the shipping place, to be honest.

But I sort of burnt my boats there after the er...fire.

So Dad moved me to grain, which is obviously super lame!

But at least I met you guys.

Nice mice.

The spoilt brat has the whole company.

When I was his age, I didn't even have pubes.

Really? You said he was 16?

Yeah, I was a late starter.

The point is, this kid can force Flavia to get me a new chair.

And fix the bogs, and oil that very squeaky door.

And lower the price of grain.

Er...yeah, maybe. I mean -

People are starving, Marcus. I haven't eaten bread for weeks.

I thought you were on a wheat-free diet?

Not by choice, dickhead. I can't afford it.

The grain companies are fucking us in the arse,

and expecting us to swallow it.

Yeah, that does sound bad.

It's a disgrace, and a little more urgent than a squeaky door.

You haven't heard it. It's like...

Eee-whoo-whaaargh...

But, yeah, ending starvation. I'll add that to the list.

Salve, Grumio. All right, landlord.

Obvious question - why are you licking a bag?

Oh, yeah, I got in a load of posh nosh last night.

The bag's still got salami juice on it.

Lovely, lovely. Do you fancy a dab?

No, I'll leave it for now, thanks.

Oh, no, I've still got Rambo's card.

Oh, yes! I've still got Rambo's chuffing card!

Yep, my master will like that.

Your master must be quite the foodie, sir.

Oh, he's one of the foodiest fellas you'll ever meet.

What else is good here, then?

Now, we are famed for our seafood.

You what? See food? What's 'see food'?

Fruits de mer, sir - cockles, whelks, crabs, mussels...

Them shiny pebbles? That's food, is it?

They are something of a delicacy, sir. Well, bung 'em in the bag.

And give me one of them pies with legs.

No, no!

Keep still! No, you're not even supposed to be in here.

Two points for straight in? Wicked.

And one point if it goes in off the backboard. Backboard?

Do you mean me? What are we calling this game?

How about... 'Get the ball in the jug'?

Or 'Super juggy throw throw'? Or...

Jugball?

Yes, jugball!

You're a genius! We should play every day. Make it company policy.

Right, yeah!

Brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be brilliant.

In fact, there are loads of cool changes you could make

now you're in charge, Rambo.

We could have - I dunno, comfy chairs,

working toilets, non-squeak doors...

What do you mean, 'in charge'?

If you lower the price of grain, people will buy more.

Whoa, steady on, Professor. I don't get any of that business-y shit.

I said I'd leave all that to Flavia.

He's just a dickless intern! Flavia is out of touch.

She just sits in her office getting her nails done,

while the staff get bad backs and blocked-up bogs.

Sorry, Prof. I promised my dad I wouldn't rock the boat.

I did that at the shipping company and three people drowned.

I should just keep my head down.

Sorry... Do you own the company? Big time.

Right, well, in that case, I will keep my jug still.

Sorry for calling you dickless.

Yes, congratulations, boss! Great throw!

From downtown for five points... Interception! Turnover.

Interception? Since when? Just now. He shoots...

He scores! That's eight-all.

New ball, please, Prof. Uh-huh, coming up.

We should make it doubles!

Then we'd have someone to pass to and high-five! Yes, love it!

Let's choose team-mates. Who's sporty here?

Everyone, who's good at sport?

No! Whatever it is that's happening out here, no!

And why is water boy strapped to a column?

Water man. But, yes, I completely agree. We're playing jugball.

As I say, no. You're going to the Legal Department, where I put you.

Come on, it's eight-all.

I'm sorry that this massive grain company

is getting in the way of your cretinous game, shredder.

It's not cretinous, it's brilliant!

And if you actually cared about this company,

you'd give people squeakier chairs and lower the price of toilets or whatever.

Right, guys? Yeah... Well, something like that.

OK. Well, clearly, someone's a little bit tired.

So let's go and get a nice glass of milk.

I'm not tired! You're tired.

You're tired and you're fired.

Excuse me? You're firing me?

That's right, Flave.

It's time to make way for a guy who knows what's really needed here.

Ha! You don't even know how to wipe your own bottom.

Not me, the Professor.

He's got ideas - big ones. Isn't that right, Prof?

Damn right, Rambo. I see.

In two days, you'll be begging me to come back.

Yeah?

In two days, you'll be begging us for change!

On the streets!

Yes, Prof! Rinser!

Right, let's go jugball. Everyone has to watch.

Now, that's a good chair.

Me tooth's all hurty. It's one of my best ones and all.

Maybe it's a wisdom tooth. Unlikely Grumio'd have any of them.

Why are you dressed like an adult?

Because I'm a big cheese, now, baby, and don't you forget it.

Don't you forget to lower the price of grain, then.

Yes, yes, on my list. Below fixing the loos but above the squeaky door.

You - we've gots to go. Hoots!

Good morning, everyone. My name is Marcus Gallo.

I'm the new Head of HR.

Under my watch, this company is going to look after everyone -

from the brainy boffins in Accounts,

all the way down to Lena the cleaner,

starting today.

Also starting today, guys,

there's a big jugball tournament here on the jugball court.

Please come and watch Stylax and his team-mate take on me and Urbo.

Where'd you get him from?

He works in Finance, I think. Jove's sake, he's like a tree!

Hence why he moved me up here. What?

You can't change the rules just cos you found a tree man.

You have to check with me first. No, it's my sport. I invented it.

I've been playing it for ages! It's my sport.

Is this still the meeting? No, ignore that.

Basically, my point was...

Hello, I'm Marcus.

I'm gonna do some really good stuff around here for you. So...

Like what? Like, well...

give you comfier chairs and unblock the toilets...

and oil that squeaky door.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, exactly.

For too long, this company has put profits above people.

Yeah.

If there's anything you need at any point, just ask and I will deliver.

Thank you very much.

Could I go and find a big man for my jugball side, please?

Yeah. Not exactly what I had in mind, but OK, fine. Wicked, thanks.

It's terrible! I can't eat anything.

You don't know any dentists, do you?

Davus here could extract the bad tooth, if you want. What, really?

Is he a dentist, then? Well, he's a dentish. He's got a hammer.

Davus? Yeah?

Smash out Grumio's bad tooth. Of course, boss. Just give it a wipe.

Very good. Very medical.

All right, fella. Just lean back for me there.

Do you not want to know which tooth it is first?

Yeah, go on, then, mate.

It's that wonky one there.

I'll sort of aim in that ballpark.

Stay still for me.

I-I might leave it, actually.

Yeah, probably for the best.

No, I don't like it!

Everyone's loving it under the new boss, man.

I've heard several people call you 'nice'

and one woman even say 'fairly hot'.

Well, if you listen to what people need, they will thank you for it.

Thanks for letting me get my new partner, by the way, Big Paulus.

Good, isn't he? Well, he's tall, yeah.

Which is what it's all about now we've raised the jug

and swapped the papyrus for apples.

Bitey-bitey, eyes shut tighty!

Oh, my Jove! Where did you get him from?

I just saw him guarding the grain store.

I was, like, 'Big boy, you're coming with me!'

And I'm killing Rambo thanks to you.

You are welcome.

Hang on...so who's guarding the grain store now?

Oh, yeah, no... no one.

Oh, shit!

Stop!

Stop! Stop it!

Oi! Oi!

Well, well, well.

The Professor.

What brings you out here, then?

Oh, just concluding... you know, a big sale.

Pleasure doing business with you! Uh-huh?

How much did they steal? Not much.

A bit, yeah. Quite a lot, actually.

It's fine, though. I can handle it.

Of course you can.

If you'll excuse me, I've just bought darling little Rex.

I've got a busy day of stroking ahead of me.

Out of interest, what would you do if you were me?

Some kind of nose job, I imagine.

About the burglary.

That's easy - make a few cutbacks, fire some of the fat ones.

And if you're very low on grain, you're gonna have to raise the price.

Right, yeah. That's not an option.

So maybe get fired and buy a puppy, then.

Really working for me.

Which style of cuisine would your master most favour today, sir?

He's still keen on the seafood but he's after something...soft.

Soft, sir?

He's a busy man, he don't want to waste time chewing.

I understand completely.

I would suggest caviar.

Caviar, what? They're fish eggs.

Soft as silk but terrifically tasty.

Fish eggs? Mm-hm.

Fish eggs? Mm-hm.

Fish eggs?

Now that, my friend, is scrummy.

Hello again.

Just to say, despite what I said earlier,

we sadly had a burglary this afternoon,

so now have to make a few cutbacks.

Fixing the toilets will have to wait.

Typical! It is typical.

It's typical of one or two antisocial grain thieves

who ruin it for everyone.

It's your fault for moving Big Paulus up here to play their stupid jug game.

Shut up. It's a great game.

Either way, we also can't afford new chairs.

Oh, classic!

You say you're one of us but you're just another lying exec

looking after your mates. I, for one, won't stand for it.

Right, OK.

Anyone else won't stand for it? Raise your hand if you won't stand for it.

That is good to know because we do need to

make some redundancies, so you're all fired.

What? I was stretching! I will stand for it.

We need to reduce spending pretty urgently.

I'm afraid it's a case of 'no pain, no grain'.

Yeah, Prof, the company bought this gold jug for the tournament later.

Mm-hm. So we'll need a bit more pain, then.

Sorry.

Let's lose... the guy with the monobrow

and Lena the cleaner.

What? You can't fire Lena!

Why are you still here? End of meeting, everyone back to work.

Apart from those who've been sacked. You have to go.

Now.

Not even fixed the squeaky door!

Mmm, fish eggs. Cor.

Workers united will never be defeated!

The workers united will never be defeated!

Oh, no, please!

I'm a worker too!

I'm working very hard here!

Lena's worked here for 45 years.

So she probably needs a rest, then!

Give us back our jobs, you arsehole.

Not now you all hate me.

The workers united will never be defeated!

..cheaper grain. When do we want it? Now!

What do we want? Cheaper grain! When do we want it? Now!

Delphine? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, Marcus?

You said you'd cut grain prices and then you raised them!

I had to! Can you not protest against me, please?

Why would you do that?

Because he's looking after himself and his cronies, love.

Mate, I'm trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend.

You go out with this arsehole?

I do, yes. And stop calling me that!

You could do a lot better! Thank you. Shut up, please.

I'd dump him. Dump him! Dump him!

Dump him! Dump him!

Dump him!

I mean, this is not how I thought today would go. Yeah.

Welcome to my world.

OK, let's go, Team Rambo.

Hit it, girls.

# Rambo, Rambo, he's our man

# If he can't do it, no one can!

What? Why don't I have girls?

I invented the game, I get the cheerleaders. That's the rules.

Prof, I meant to say, I gave them all jobs in marketing. Hope that's cool.

Uh-huh.

You three are fired, in that case.

We can't afford you any more.

Er...has it started yet?

Not yet, G-Man, you're just in time.

Yo, Rambo.

Looks like I got a cheerleader of my own.

Please don't employ him. Give us a chant, G-Man.

# Come on, Stylax, you can do it

# Stick that ball in the bastard jug

Not bad.

# Rambo!

Paulus!

Rambo! Agh!

OK. 53-all.

Next point wins.

Urbo!

Yes, Paulus!

Bitey-bitey, eyes shut tighty!

Oh. Hi, Dad.

Don't you 'hi, Dad' me, you little prick.

What did I say? What's the one thing I told you to do?

Floss? Keep your nut down! I did!

So why, for Sphinx's sakes,

is there not one, but two protests going on outside that door?

The Professor did that, not me. Well, hang on...

And why are you chucking apples at some geezer strapped to a column?

Aurelius. Great to meet you, sir. Love the beard.

It's jugball. It's... He invented it, it was all him.

Finally, he admits it!

I couldn't give a pharaoh's fat one.

I've only come here cos I've been contacted by the bloody Emporium.

You've spent 15,420 dinaris, and mostly on caviar.

That wasn't me, I promise. Right.

Tutankhamen, give me the bleeding card back.

I don't know where it is. I haven't seen it since I gave it to...

Oh, brilliant.

Have you got my card, boy?

Mm, yeah.

Give it back, then, fuck face.

I'd rather not, to be honest.

Give it to me.

Let it go. Let it go.

Thank you.

Now, you, my palm, your arse, now. Move it!

I'll eat you alive, I'm telling you.

Oh, bull's-eye.

Me tooth! He's knocked out me hurty tooth!

Well, I couldn't say no.

Ptolemy made me an absurdly generous offer.

What about that puppy you were carrying around?

Oh, I put him down - in every sense.

That little dirt dispenser shat all over my mosaic.

And Rambo, was he put down?

Sadly not.

He's now managing the family vineyard,

which sounds like a monumentally stupid idea to me, but there you go.

Hm...and how about us?

Are there still jobs for us here?

Oh, yes. I've got some 'big jobs' for you.

Quick game of spongebucket?

Yeah, go on, then.