Original subtitles

Now, shithead. Give me your money. Please, I'd really rather not.

Give me your money, or I'll knife you.

Well, obviously, when you put it like that.

And the rest of you. Come on.

I've only really got this. Yeah. You can keep that.

And that's all I've got. I'm so sorry. Don't apologise. He's mugging you.

I know. I'm saying I just spent it all on these shoes. So give me your shoes.

Oh, no. Please. They won't fit you. I've got surprisingly dainty feet.

Shoes, now. All of you.

And I'll have your necklace, as well. Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Yeah. Don't call the armed mugger rude names, probably.

Listen to your boyfriend, love.

Now give me that necklace, or I'll cut his dick off.

Of course he won't. You sure about that?

Just give him the necklace now. Please, Delphine.

Cheers, Delphine. Thank you.

Nah, you can keep them too. Magic.

I lost my money, my shoes, and Delphine's respect in one go.

At least he didn't cut your penis off. He may as well have done.

She wouldn't even touch me last night. Classic animal behaviour, innit?

She's seen her male get out-antlered by another stag

and no longer wants to mate with him.

But I want to mate with HER. This is the best mating I've ever had.

Then you need to show her that you're the alpha male.

Spread your wings. Get your talons out. Talons? I thought I was a stag.

Well, you're more of an eagle. Cos of the beak.

Oh, cheers. Kick me when I'm down.

All right, Agatha? Hiya, Grumie.

I was hoping you'd come by. I made a new orange and almond cake.

Yes, please. Or maybe "no, please", Grumio.

We need the money for shoes. Don't worry, it's on the house.

Is it? Why? I'm sort of like Agatha's taste consultant.

He's got such a refined palate.

It could do with a squeeze more orange, a few less almonds,

and being a much bigger cake.

And you must try some flapjack.

Hey. Check this out. 'Roman Military Fitness.

Get in shape and learn to fight with genuine ex-soldier.'

Maybe we should do this. I think I'd rather learn Persian folk dancing.

We'd never get mugged again. If anything, we'd be doing the mugging.

Not sure that's the idea.

And you can show Delphine that you're the biggest bull in the barnyard.

Get her ready for mating season. What do you reckon, G-Man?

I reckon this flapjack is fan-flapping-tastic.

Plenty more where that came from. Is there?

I always assumed Grumio was fully asexual.

Like a monk. Or a plate.

The guy's getting his oats, man.

And not just from her flapjacks. You know what I'm saying?

What's with the queue?

It's new security measures cos of this crime wave. Absolutely typical.

Oh, bloody hell. I know. The one day I bring in my longbow and this happens.

Longbow? Why have you got that?

To ward off muggers, obviously. What? From miles away?

I can still fire it up close. Course you can't. Look. I can.

Or I can bonk people with the bow.

Oh! There. Warded off.

OK. You're clean.

These are the new security measures? You frisking people?

Not all people. I don't need to do you. Or you, water boy.

What about me? Well, obviously not.

You're hardly likely to pose a threat.

It's gonna be young, athletic ne'er-do-wells like...oh, shredder.

How is he getting frisked and not me?

I've got a longbow for Jove's sake. Water man.

Yes. I'll take that, thank you.

Right, you. Spread 'em.

It's full of middle-aged women. Look.

Yeah. This really isn't for us. No, come on. It'll be good.

We can learn how to protect ourselves.

You know how to protect yourself, Marcus.

When in danger, you just give away my jewellery.

OK. Shush, please, ladies.

Welcome. My name is Hector and I'll be teaching you self-defence.

The streets are full of predators, many of them sexual.

And a gorgeous bunch like you will of course be prime targets.

Not you, to be fair.

Just a bit of banter.

This class will also include military fitness.

If you don't know what military is, it means army.

Which I was in. The Third Legion of.

OK. Let's get the blood flowing first. Shake it down now, girls.

Yeah. First up, we're gonna learn the nose-slam.

This little beauty saved my arse many times at the Battle of Philippi.

OK. Volunteer time. One of the fellas, maybe?

Yes, please. The big man with the muscles. Come on.

Er, yep. Sure thing. The rest of you, buddy up.

So if Muscles here is this attacker...

And let's pretend he's a lot bigger, make it realistic.

More banter, Muscles.

Imagine he comes in with a right-hand jab. Yes please, big man.

Left arm parry, right hand flat, crunching into the nose.

Keep practising and it will become muscle memory.

Get it into your muscles.

Right, Muscles? OK. Once again, please. Bit faster.

Parry. Nose-slap. Left arm round the back of the neck into a chokehold.

From here, we can break the neck or rapid punch the bonce.

Where would you rather, muscle man? Neither, please.

I dunno why you're blubbing, Muscles.

I'm not even doing it properly. This shouldn't even be hurting.

Salve, Grumio. All right, landlord? All right, Davus?

Your rent's overdue. I know. We got mugged by some scumbag last night.

Should've taken advantage of our crimewave protection deal.

What's the deal?

For a mere 30 denarii, Davus here will offer you protection

from all those violent thugs out there. Including, of course, himself.

Wicked. Bang it on the rent, eh?

Hi, Grumie. Agatha. What are you doing here?

Special delivery. I made you a cake.

Oh, yeah. I should try some of that.

You know, check it's not poisoned. I've got a protection deal.

It's a strawberry and walnut sponge with a honey glaze.

Mmm. I should check it too, actually.

I'll take my chances, thanks. Well, I hope you like it.

Maybe you're right. It's not really for us.

Are you kidding? I loved it. We're going to get so fit.

Parry. Nose-slam. Stay down. There are other ways to get fit.

We could learn Persian folk dancing, for example.

Because the big man picked on you? What? That?

That was just banter. He was messing around.

When you were squealing like a pig in a box, that was banter, was it?

Yeah. Pretty niche banter, admittedly, but you know.

Sorry. Where are you going? Home. I'm kind of pooped after that.

OK. Want me to escort you? Cos of the crime wave and stuff.

Yeah, right.

She's never gonna mate with me again.

You shouldn't have pitted yourself against the alpha male.

You pitted me against the alpha male. The class was your idea.

I'll be better off taking romantic advice from Grumio.

Any time you like, brother.

This baker must be really into you, judging by the cake.

Why? Cos it's strawberry?

Cos it's heart-shaped, you div.

Oh, yeah. I hadn't spotted that.

Why do all confident men feel the need to dominate me?

It's Mr Tappo's PE class all over again.

You need to fight back. Show Hector you're not to be trifled with.

But I am. Clearly I am to be trifled with.

So fight dirty. Bop him in his balls. Chuck sand in his eyes.

Or I could just hide behind the fat kids, like I did in PE.

Proper moist.

Honestly, there's nothing up there. Well, you can never be too careful.

From my point of view, you really can.

Ah. And...

OK. You are clean. Right. I don't feel it.

Er, yes. You, come forward.

Thank you. And spread 'em. Copier, water boy, you can go through.

Right. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I see. It's outrageous. Water man.

You're clearly profiling us and only frisking the hot ones. How dare you.

My selection process is entirely random. I demand to get searched right now,

or I'll file for discrimination. OK. Come on, then.

Spread 'em.

It was horrible. I feel brutalised. It was just a slightly gropey pat down.

She encircled my member.

She's a very frisky frisker. What do you expect? We could sue for this.

Touching a staff member's member is sexual assault.

I know someone who got a payout of 3,000 denarii after something like this.

Three grand? Yeah.

Did she touch your member? Mate, she was all over my staff member.

And my balls. In fact, now that I think about it,

I'm starting to feel pretty traumatised.

You see? Like I've received about three grand's worth of sexual assault.

Would you like to lick the bowl? Yes, please.

What about the spoon? I'll lick the lot, mate.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

Come on, then. I'll eat you alive.

Things going well with Agatha, then?

It's delicious.

Not quite what I asked. Course they are, it's a match made in heaven.

She's happy baking. I'm happy eating.

Right. And I don't want to put a downer on what is clearly true love,

but you don't think she might be a feeder, do you?

Oh, shit. Never thought of that. Well, she does feed me, so.

But as in, she likes turning her boyfriends into big, cakey fatties.

Well, let's hope so, eh?

Keep slamming those noses and it will become instinctive.

Parry. Nose-slam. OK, volunteer time.

I need someone to take me on.

Yes, please. Muscles.

No thanks, Hector.

What? Scared you'll hurt me, are you?

No. Just wanna give someone else a go. I'll do it, Hector.

Thanks. Thank you. Rescued by his girlfriend. What a gentleman.

All right. Step forward then, please, my darling.

Today we're gonna do some sexual assault roleplays.

If you turn around, I'm gonna try and goose you,

and you're gonna beat me off. Actually, I will do it. It's OK.

Changed my mind. He's not actually going to goose me.

I know. It's just I'm happy to do it.

And he did ask for me, so. All right.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Right. So here's the deal. I'm coming in for a goosing.

What do you do? Run away?

Run away! What is this? A wild goose chase?

No. You deploy the chicken thrust.

Use those whopping great arms of yours.

I'll demonstrate. Try and goose me.

Chicken thrust! Bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, shit!

Or version two. Come at me again, please, Muscles.

In your own time, big dog.

OK. And I've neutralised him.

Now he's on the deck, we can pin him down.

And if there's gas in the tank...

..guff on the face. We used this all the time in the Third Legion.

That guy should not be allowed to teach.

He's an aggressive arsehole with an aggressive arsehole.

As if they teach farting in the army.

I don't believe a word he says. The guy's full of shit.

Certainly smelled like it. I do wish I could guff on command, though.

That is well impressive. Not really. I can do that.

The trick is not following through. OK. Wicked.

Delphine could barely watch.

She's gonna dump me before I can get the stench out of my hair.

That's what you get for joining a fitness class.

Should've stayed here with me and the cakes.

Do you think you might have a bit of a cake problem? No. I can stop when I want to.

Go on, then.

I don't want to. You are a bit of a flubster around the face.

That's muscle from all the chewing.

I did it! Sweet. Oh, yeah. I followed through.

Mini cupcake? Give me a sec, I've just put one in.

They're only mini. You're meant to eat two at a time.

Max, is that you?

Agatha! Wow. Good to see you!

I didn't know you were in Rome. Yeah. Doing private security now, ain't I?

Thank fuck for this crime wave. You know what I mean?

All right, mate? All right? This is Grumio, my new boyfriend.

Yeah, I can tell. His mouth's full of cake.

I've got a whole box if you want one.

Nah, you're all right. I should be getting back to work. OK.

Well, good to see you, Max. Yeah. You too.

Good luck, fella.

He an ex of yours, was he? Years back, yeah.

He looks awful now he's lost all that weight.

This one's lemon drizzle.

What's this? What in Hades do you call this?

"Sexual assault"? That's right.

You wouldn't know sexual assault if it bent you over and bit you on the bum.

Which, for the record, I did not do.

Sorry. Who is that? It's my lawyer. Ah.

He's here to swat away pesky little parasites like you.

Well, we both found your frisking style very traumatic, actually.

Oh, what rot. You violated us and you know it.

And you were asking for it.

No, he was. He literally asked me to do it.

Let's just see what the tribunal has to say about it, shall we?

Oh, bring it on. Many have tried to pin me for sexual assault,

and every time I've wriggled free.

Because I am feared around these parts,

and my word goes a very long way.

And because I didn't do it...also.

She was shaking in her shoes, man. We've as good as won it.

And then we can get a new flat, some new threads,

a trolley to wheel around the muffin man here.

I'm on a break from cake, as it goes.

What's that in your hand, then? Carrot cake. It's basically salad.

That's pretty much the definition of having your cake and eating it.

Agatha says it's good for me.

Because she wants you to be as big as a big house.

You don't think there's anything weird about this, G-Man? I suppose.

I did bump into one of her ex-boyfriends earlier. And?

And there were a lot of him.

And apparently when they were going out, there were a lot more.

It's probably nothing, though, eh?

You've gotta get away from her. She's a menace.

What did we tell you?

She'll keep stuffing you with cakes till you can't move or get out of bed.

Keep talking. No, Grumio. You don't want this.

You'll be utterly helpless. She'll do everything for you.

While you lay there, eating.

Still waiting for the bad news. You'll have to wash with a wet rag. Fine.

Pee in a pot by the bed. I do that anyway.

You'll be dead by the time you're 40.

Oh. There's always a catch.

Listen, I know it's tough, but you gotta say no to her cakes.

Go cold turkey before it ruins you.

Believe it or not, I was once the fittest guy in my platoon.

I had a six-pack and everything. You were a solider?

Commanding centurion in the Third Legion. Third Legion.

Don't suppose you ever served with someone called Hector by any chance?

Yeah I did, actually.

Maybe he is a war hero. Hero? Are you pulling my plonker?

Er, no. Not deliberately. He's a total coward.

He nearly got us all killed in Philippi.

Came out of formation and let the bloody enemy in

while he crawled off under his shield, the prick.

And I'd say that right to his shit face if I ever got the chance.

Huh. Interesting.

And then she worked her way up my rear thigh.

Checking for concealed weapons, yes.

Up to the bum zone and anus area,

giving me a firm probe and then a thumb up.

Sorry. Do you mean she gave you the thumbs-up? Or -

No. I mean she placed her thumb...up.

Oh, for Jove's sake. I'm not a trained security guard.

If the company refused to hire people,

then I have to take things into my own hands.

Can you show us on the dolly where she touched you? Yes.

Right. OK.

We now have Stylax Eurysaces to testify.

All right? In your own time, Stylax, tell us what happened, please.

Flavia started patting me down on my arms, legs, nipples and stuff.

Yes. Rightly so. Then she began to work the frontal groin.

Poking it about a bit. Poking it how?

Like you might if you were checking a mango to see if it's ripe.

A mango? Hardly.

Can you show us on the dolly? Oh, yeah.

Oh, not really. The goolies are a bit small on this one.

They were too small for me as well. For the record.

OK. Do we have a life-size model anywhere?

Yes. I do.

I confiscated that. It's not mine.

Oh, OK. It was a bit like this.

Because I thought it was a weapon.

OK. I think we all need a bit of a break after that.

Let's pick it up again tomorrow, please, people.

Oh. Boys, boys. Quick word before you go.

OK. How much? How much for what?

To settle this right now. How much?

It's not about money, as a matter of fact. It's about justice.

I'll give you 500 each. Oh, yeah. OK, I'll do that.

What? No! We're gonna get three grand. We're not taking 500 now.

You're just scared you're gonna lose. No. That is a good offer.

Well, your luck's run out this time. Everyone's finally gonna know

that you're a sneaky old sleaze. What? Old!?

Parry! Nose-slap!

Well, now. This changes things.

Apparently, the nose-slap pretty much cancels out the groin grope,

so we've called it quits. You nose-slammed Flavia? Bloody hell.

It was muscle memory, man. These things remember way more than my head does.

Hi, guys. Oh, hey. Sex attack!

Roman arm-twister! Ah, no! Not a sex attack. You're my girlfriend.

That's one of Hector's. Good, right? Yeah. Brilliant.

Isn't Hector just great? What a great guy.

OK. Afternoon, ladies.

Today, we're gonna learn about frontal attacks.

When predators go for the torso. And when I say torso, I do mean tits.

Volunteer time. Muscles, you're a tit. Up you come.

Sure thing, Hector.

Now try and grab my nawks and I'll demonstrate the Spartan strike.

Sure. So this is another military move? Oh, yeah. Used this all the time.

Took out shitloads of enemy scum at Philippi with this baby.

Wow. Amazing. Cos I actually met someone

who fought with you at Philippi just yesterday.

What? Really? Yeah.

I told him what you said and he had, well, a couple of quibbles.

Well, I may not remember everything perfectly but - Well, let's ask him.

Maximus? Oh, shit. OK -

You're not a war hero, you lying arsehole.

You're a dirty coward. Dirty, dirty, coward.

You make me sick. Breaking rank like a scared little bitch

while the rest of us took the flak.

You should've killed yourself after that. OK. That's a bit much.

You're a disgrace to the uniform and a traitor to Rome.

While the arrows rained upon us.

While our brothers lay dying facedown in the dirt,

you crawled off under your shield like a fucking turtle!

You deserted us, Hector. You left us.

And we will never, ever forgive you for what you did!

OK. I think he got the message. What the fuck, Marcus?

Well, he was a fraud. What were you trying to do?

Well...yeah. Basically this.

She still won't mate with you?

But you completely destroyed the alpha male. Sort of.

I sub-contracted out his destruction to another, much angrier alpha male.

Ah. I guess it's not as sexy.

Apparently I trigged some sort of post-traumatic episode

and now he won't get out of bed. Should probably go and apologise.

Where have you been, Grumie?

I've not seen you at the stall for days.

Oh, you know me. Busy, busy.

I made you another cake.

It's a banana, fudge, cherry, berry, custard cake.

With frosted vanilla icing and raisins on top.

No. You're all right.

You don't want it? No, thanks.

I'm not into your cakes anymore. They're a bit...much.

I'm on the cold turkey now.

I see. So that's that, then?

Yes. That is very much that.

Well done, G-Man. I didn't think you had it in you.

That's the hardest thing I've done in my whole life.

So what's she gonna do with that?

It's very sweet of you, Marcus. Well, I just wanted to say sorry.

And I figured he's a deserter, so he must like dessert.

Too soon? A bit but thanks for the cake.

Well, Agatha here made it. You're an amazing baker, darling.

I've been on bloody health foods for eight years. This is unbelievable.

Plenty more where that came from.