Original subtitles

And this for a new high score.

Go on, my son. Aim and fire.

Oh! 135 points!

In your face!

One minute you're top of the world, the next minute you're nobody.

Maybe it's time to stop playing with your balls and do something else.

I can't stop. I need to get back up that leader board.

There's a theatre festival starting next week.

Get some culture before your brain shrinks.

We get loads of culture, thank you. When did you guys last see a show?

I watched a couple of dogs humping the other day.

That's not really a show, Grumio. I was clapping.

Maybe it's not your thing. Well, no, no, let me see.

'Some of Rome's most revered and uncompromising directors

present all the Aelius' tragedies.'

That'll be a barrel of laughs. It'll be a barrel of art

and adult sophistication, which is very much our thing.

180. I've got 180! Ooh!

He's done! He's only gone and done it! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

50 denarii a ticket? And that's sitting behind a pillar.

I'd prefer it, to be honest. I'll have to find something cheaper.

Do you think those dogs'd do an encore? Stop! Stop right there!

That's him. isn't it? That's our Cupid.

Cherubic little face, body of a big, beautiful baby.

Wow. Yeah, he's uncanny. You what? No, I'm not.

I am Iona Ruffina, the actress/director/writer?

Cool job. I haven't finished.

/producer. For months I've been searching for a Cupid

for my upcoming production - The Bastard King.

Just when I'm about to give up the search and use a dummy,

what do I see, right in front of my own theatre?

The all-conquering god of love himself.

My name's Grumio. Charmed.

And Sebastus, you will, of course, know. Call me Seb.

Oh, hi. I'm Stylax. This is Marcus. Great. I won't remember that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to stretch it out before rehearsals.

Now Grumio, my dear child,

would you consider playing the role? No, you're all right.

Sounds like a right faff. Just consider it, for me?

For dear little old me? He did say no.

He may just consider it. I don't think he's capable of that.

It will be very well paid. Just consider it. Please do

and we'll talk tomorrow. Until then, adieu.

Bless you.

Bread. Nice. Uh-uh. Not before you agree to be in this play.

I haven't got time, it'll get in the way of my housework.

No more than your napping.

Come on. Then we can hang out in the theatre. Did you see the hotties?

Only because of that actor guy. I could be an actor guy.

I can stretch and speak nicely and not remember people's names.

Come on, it'll be a doddle. I promise.

Egg in bread, look.

Oh, this is too, too splendid.

Finally, we have an upgrade on the dummy. Don't speak too soon.

How much can you pay him? Yes, I was thinking.

95 denarii? How does that sound?

Could we make it 100?

Hm. Your agent is a tough cookie, Grumio.

Very well, 100 it is.

We're going to go on such a journey, my little cherub.

As long as it's an easy journey. Oh, it's too easy.

You are the Deus ex machina, the god from the machine,

on stage for a mere moment

to soften the heart of the bastard king,

who's imposed a sex ban on his daughters. Wicked! Amazing!

Oh, it's quite wonderful. Can I be in it as well?

I'd make a great king, or prince. There's no prince in the play.

Friend of the prince? There is no prince. General guy?

It's all been cast. I just want to be involved. I love the theatre.

Of course. You could understudy Sebastus.

We do need someone for that. Great. What's the pay like?

There is no pay. Deal.

What? Grumio's in the play?

Yeah, and I'm actually pretty tight with the director, Iona...

Iona Ruffina?

You know Iona Ruffina? Yeah, I... Do you know Iona Ruffina?

I know her work. I saw her Hecuba.

It was so powerful and so bloody.

Wow. The classic Iona combo.

We've been invited to a soiree at her place, if you fancy meeting her?

Maybe you're such an uncultured idiot after all.

Thank you.

Behold, for it is he, Cupid himself made flesh.

When do I use the bow and arrow? Oh, you don't use it.

Oh, right. What about the wings? Are you asking if you can fly?

I suppose I am, yeah. Then no, you walk on, using your legs.

And that's lunch, people.

Right. I'll be in my dressing room.

Your food awaits you, Seb - steak, medium-rare with chips.

Yum!

Is my steak in my dressing room? You don't get a dressing room

or a steak. What food do I get? The food of encouragement,

and you're doing terribly well.

Hey, er, Seb? One moment.

Come!

Hey, Seb.

We met yesterday. A-ha. Could be.

Outside the theatre. I'm Stylax.

I meet a lot of people.

So I'm your new understudy.

Congrats, dude! That must be huge for you.

I should say, though, I've never missed a performance,

so don't get any ideas. I'm only interested in that type of thing.

Humping the fans, you know. Oh, buddy, you've got this all wrong.

Shit, sorry, I just assumed you were... No, I was.

I was humping her silly. I mean you've got it the wrong way round.

You can't have your pudding unless you eat your greens, can you?

You can if you're a grown-up. We're not grown-ups, we're actors

and she wasn't in here because I'm a ham, it's because I'm the lead

and that takes years of graft. Sorry to break it to you, buddy. No, sure.

Nice coat, by the way. Oh, thank you. It's 100% yak.

Why should they get a dressing room and not me?

If you don't get dressed, what would you use it for? Eat my steak in.

That's what actors get. You're not a proper actor. I'm a god.

A god should get a dressing room. Tell that fruity bint I'm walking.

Don't call Iona a fruity bint, she's a major artist.

Not to mention a close, personal friend.

I'll ask about the steak, leave it to me.

And I want a long, jazzy coat. We don't get one. I bought a fake

that looks similar to Seb's. It's an amazing coat. Thank you.

It's 15% yak.

Ah, ciao, Marcus.

Grumio and the understudy.

And you.

Who are you? Yes, Iona, this is my girlfriend, Delphine.

I'm a huge fan of your work.

Thank you, child. Too, too kind.

May I ask et tu Gauloise? Yes. You speak Gallic?

Tres petit peu.

I toured Gaul many moons ago.

Terrific audiences. Even better lovers.

Yes. Entre, entre.

We have wine, punch. Hm. Yes, I know, I...

I wonder, Iona, could we discuss Grumio's contract a sec?

Now? After rehearsals have begun? It's most irregular.

Other actors get dressing rooms. And a private soiree at the director's?

Oh, dear me, no. And Seb gets a steak. Seb is the star.

Look, I'll see if there's a box room he can have.

Take that now or make me angry.

And the steak? You know what divas these actors can be.

Only when their agents indulge them. OK. A small room and a small steak.

No chips.

Hey, Seb. How's it going?

Stylax. Your understudy.

Oh, that's my coat. You've bought my coat.

As your understudy, I should cover all the bases.

That's great, I respect that, but that is my coat. It's fake,

but yeah. Hm. Don't buy my shoes.

I won't. I promise.

Seb. Ah.

I've been collecting these for aeons.

This one's from Turkey.

Look. I took my Hecuba there.

I saw that production. It was so powerful. And so bloody,

as I recall. It was a call to arms,

for women to defy the male oppressors

and seize our independence politically, financially, sexually.

You must savour your freedom, child.

At your age, I was travelling the world,

experiencing a kaleidoscope of cultures and orgasms.

That's what really made me who I am.

Er, shall we get a drink? No, no.

Darling, have you been to Tingitana?

I've only ever been to Gaul and Rome.

Go. Drop everything and go.

The men are vast.

This statue is absolutely to scale.

Ha-ha! Good stuff. Let's go get that drink.

And the hammams are too divine.

What's a hammam?

Bless the child. What is a hammam?

Tomorrow, I shall take you to mine.

There's a masseur there by the name of Abu who will open you up.

This party's jizz, innit? Ran out of chicken drumsticks ages ago.

I'm starting to think acting's jizz as well.

Unless you're the star you're scenery. Quick game of marbles?

Big time. You know where you stand with marbles.

Swing by my dressing room if you'd like to have sex with me.

Sebastus. Buddy.

Oh, my foot! Oh, my lovely foot!

Holy jove! What happened, Seb?

I slipped on something, it must've been this...

..bauble. You're drunk. Alas, what am I to do?

- No, I'm fine, I'm absolutely... - Oh!

My leg's broken. Oh!

The understudy.

Thank the gods we have an understudy!

Welcome aboard, darling.

Hoo! Being a king's the best. I get to wear a metal hat and everything.

You know you have to learn lines. I'll be fine.

Bloody nightmare and I've only got one. You can't learn one line?

I know it now - shut your mouth, for the love of God!

'Open your heart for the god of love.' See? It's murder.

I should be paid more. Don't start that again.

I got you a steak, no? Well done. Thanks. No, the steak.

I want it well done. Speak to Iona. That's what got me in the shit.

She introduced Delphine to a range of international dildos.

Iona would've done that anyway. And tell her I want to fly.

You see what I'm dealing with? My character wouldn't plod on stage.

He should fly on on a winch. That's you being lazy.

Get me a winch or I walk. Those are the two options.

And a cream bun. For the character or for you? For both.

Behold, I am your... What was it again?

King. Yeah, I am your king and...

If. And if...

Just if. And just if.

No, no, it's just if. OK. I'll start again. Behold...

This is taking too long. Seb! Seb? Oh, is he here?

I need you to get Stylax up to speed.

It's the least you can do after your drunken lechery got us in this mess.

Now chop, chop.

Behold, I am your king!

If you crush me I will crush you!

That's really good, man. I know.

Shame no-one's going to hear it. That is harsh.

Sorry, are you guys in the play?

Hi. Yeah, I am. I'm the king. Not now, please, hon.

We've got some serious acting work to do here. Well, have we?

Look, dude, you're bad, REALLY bad,

so we need to knuckle down to get you ready. No more distractions.

Behold!

I wanted to say what an honour it is

to work with someone of your artistry. Of course.

We're new to the industry, so if I offended you I am truly sorry

and as a token of goodwill I'd like to revert to Grumio's original deal.

Bless you, that's too, too decent of you, Marcus.

And in exchange, could you maybe not

suggest to Delphine that she, you know...

No, I'm afraid I don't know.

Well, I guess sleep around?

I beg your pardon? She's my girlfriend

so I'd prefer it if you didn't encourage her to have sex with Turks.

She's not your property and neither am I. I know.

I will not be censored by you or jove himself.

I'm an artist and I speak from the heart. OK.

In that case, it's best from now on that you keep away from Delphine.

Absolutely not. I've already made the booking of the hammam.

Or I might have to pull my client out of your show. Careful,

you've not got what it takes to play hard ball with me.

Well, I've got the hardest balls you've ever...felt, so try me.

Now? Little bit longer.

You're the boss.

Salve, Grumio. All right? Haven't seen you around here for a while.

Been starring in a play. With your flamboyance,

it was only a matter of time.

Except my crappy agent's not getting me what I want.

That's showbiz for you. That'll do.

What's his problem, then? Won't pay his rent.

Reckon he will now, though.

Delphine. Hey. What's going on?

Ciao, Marcus. We've just been to the hammam.

Abu was incredible.

What about our chat? Have you forgotten that?

There's no need to mince your words.

I told Delphine what you said. You... Oh, God.

And you can't stop me from seeing people.

I'm not your pet mouse that's let out of the cage when you say so.

It's not like that. You can leave the cage whenever.

But there is still a cage. There is no cage.

I was worried she's pushing us apart. Maybe it's for the best.

What do you mean? Iona's asked me to go to Turkey with her.

I'm going to be her PA. Turkey? That's bloody miles away.

Don't worry, she'll be taken care of.

The gentlemen there are very generous.

You can forget about your Cupid, you thespy shitbag.

Oh, really. Yeah. Dust off that dummy because Grumio is out.

Interesting. That's not what his new agent's been saying.

What do you think you're doing?

Now, don't get mardy. Who is it? Who's your new agent?

Salve, Marcus. Don't raise your voice at my client, please.

You've got to be kidding me. He's a very strong negotiator.

He's got me my winch. And his fee up front.

You were my first agent, I'll never forget you,

but I needed someone hungrier. I'm hungry. I'm bloody starving.

My prima donna slave won't cook me dinner.

Here's your 10%. Er, I thought it were you that got the 10%.

Hm. Don't think so.

Oh, the rent's due.

Oh, it chafes a bit. It chafes. The winch is chafing my client.

Get him a cushion. A once kind king... Delphine's going to Turkey

on a six-month tour with the largest penises. To my kin... Line?

To my kin become so cruel. To my kin become so cruel.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

That's not your line. "Spurned the love of my fair queen."

Spurned the love of my fair queen. So what do I do? So what do I do?

That's not a line. Stop rhyming, then. Listen to me, then.

What do I do about Delphine going to Turkey? I need a miracle.

Pray to the gods. Test me.

A once kind king and now a fool become so cruel.

Spurned the love of my fair queen with violent rage and words obscene.

Cupid, come down from above and soften this heart with love.

I think you know it. Yes!

Behold, I am your king! Nice one, Your Majesty.

I am so proud of you, buddy.

I wont lie, there were times when I thought you were a workshy boob

who only cared about girls and coats.

No offence. None taken.

But you have knuckled down and risen to the challenge.

I couldn't have done it without you. Of course. It's mostly me,

but you played your part, Ajax.

Ajax?

Do you still not know my name? No, but I like you,

whoever you are. Now you get out there

and show those disappointed people who bought tickets to see me

that you're here instead. You're not as good, obviously,

but not bad. I'll do my best.

I'll be watching from the wings.

Break a leg, brother. You, too.

Oh, er, Seb, I think you've got my coat!

Oh, hey. Hey.

I'm actually on stage in five minutes, so... Five minutes is fine.

Sorry I tried to control you. I get it, Marcus.

You thought if I went away we'd break up. Yes,

and I really don't want that. I know. I don't want that, either. Great.

So you won't go to Turkey? No, I'm still going.

I'll try not to sleep with others. How hard will you try? Shhh!

Do you mind?

This isn't 100% yak.

I'm coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, forgive us for this somewhat false start.

We have an understudy taking the part of the king.

I imagine his nerves are getting the better of him.

It was you. You're the one who balled with me.

Behold, I am your...argh!

Fear not, stay in your seats.

Gardy gordy gordy. The show must go on!

Mark!

Well, that went quite badly.

Apparently, first nights always do.

Even so, shooting the director's a real no-no. Tell me about it!

My agent's dropped me. It's not all bad, though. Turkey's off.

It is. The humid bathrooms and vast penises will have to wait.

And in a way it was a classic Iona production -

powerful and bloody. Sure.

Let's never go back to the theatre again, eh? Steak for Grumio!

Well done! Oh. Might just pop back one last time.

There you go, sir.