Original subtitles

-(STYLAX GRUNTING) - MARCUS: Will you stop scratching it?

STYLAX: It's really bloody itchy. MARCUS: At least while we're eating.

(GROANING ANGRILY)

Okay, right, I'm done now. It's all good.

Is it? Is it all good? You've contaminated another spoon.

- Onto the fire? - Mm-hmm.

You know, you should really get someone to take a look at that.

Oh, cheers! Will you have a look at it?

No, not me! I don't know what I'm talking about, do I?

Of course you do! You've got a penis, don't you?

Yeah, of sorts.

Well, then. It's probably just bedbugs anyway.

There is no way I'm going eye-to-eye with that thing!

You don't mind, do you, Grum?

- Knock yourself out. - Can we please wait?

- Oh, blimey. - Really?

- A bit, yeah. - What does it look like?

- It looks sort of like a stick of rhubarb. - Oh, that's fine!

That's been stabbed repeatedly with a fork.

Mmm, that's less promising.

Also, there's like a kink in it.

Oh, no. The kink's all mine.

It helps you get round corners and reach parts others can't reach.

Unfortunately, those are the parts with herpes.

Shut up! This isn't herpes.

It's just a few little bedbugs having a nibble on the old rhubarb, that's all.

It's really fine.

(GROANING)

MARCUS: Stop it!

We're running out of cutlery!

- On the fire? - Yes.

Nice and warm in here, though, isn't it?

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home All I got is you #

(CATS YOWLING)

Sixteen, 17, 18, 19. loan see 19 from here.

- Thanks for the update. - I'll let you know if owt changes.

- How's that? -It's a bit tight.

This is for your own good. You can't be trusted with hands.

Yeah, but what if people think I've been in an accident?

You have. A horrific sex accident.

- It's bedbugs. -(CAT MEOWING)

And 20.

No, Grumio, get that furry fuck out of here!

GRUMIO: Hello, pussy-puss-puss.

I mean, where are all these cats coming from?

According to Landlord, the Emperor's got them in to get rid of all the mice.

Yeah, good thinking.

Well, not really. We're now infested with cats.

Well, they'll have to get in some dogs, then.

And then what? Just work his way up the food chain?

- What eats dogs? - Greek people.

That's very offensive, Grumio.

Hey, that's a brilliant idea!

You're copying a cat now, are you? You're literally a copycat.

Damn straight. This cat's a genius!

No, he's not. He's a prick!

Cats think they're so cool. Get over yourself, mate.

You're a cat. You can't even read.

(GROANING)

Mess with me again, buddy, and you're going down.

Do you hear me? All the way down.

- Morning. - Hello.

Close the door, I would, before this dirtbag and his dirty mates all flood in.

Right. That's good advice.

Cynthia, I've found Felix!

Felix?

Oh, Felix.

Oh, thank God! Where was he?

Next door. Marcus was just dropping him off, weren't you?

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't realise Felix was your pet.

I thought he was one of the mangy strays from the courtyard.

Well, he is from the courtyard.

Right, and a lot of them are lovely, too.

Lovely, lovely cats. I mean, he's clearly the nicest one.

Well, he was the only one we could catch.

- Right, because he's the tamest? - Because he was asleep.

Yeah. Well, lucky him. He's landed on his feet.

Cats always do. Thanks for finding him.

My pleasure, my pleasure. Bye. Bye, Felix.

(MAKES KISSING SOUND)

I mean, why does it have to be a cat? I'm really not a cat person.

I'm not really a dog person either, to be honest.

What kind of person are you?

I guess I'm a plant person.

You know, anything quiet and still I'm fine with.

Well, you'd better start being a cat person,

because you cosy up to Felix and Cynthia will cosy up to you, big time.

Hey, guys.

You will never guess what I did last night.

Stayed at home crying and wanking again?

No, stop it. I met my long-lost Uncle Adrian for the first time.

Lost? Why lost? Where was he?

No, was he lost or just hiding from you?

No. I didn't know he existed. "Long-lost" as in absent family member.

How long was he? What was long about him?

- No... - Was it his member?

Oh, no... What?

Did he take out his long member?

My uncle does not have a long member...

Oh, shame! Still, it's how he uses it.

- Fill me up, please, water boy. - Yes! Water man.

A bit behind today, are we, shredder?

Yeah, sorry. I shut my hand in a door.

A door?

Doors. I shut my hands in doors.

(WHISPERING) A quick word in my office.

Whew! Okay. Yeah, sure. Office.

Ha!

What's going on down there?

Down where?

It's obvious you're sporting those makeshift mittens

to stop you gouging chunks out of yourself.

How do you know these things?

Been there, done that, bound the hands.

I'm pretty sure it's bedbugs.

And where on your person have these bedbugs bitten?

Well, they've concentrated their attacks on my...

penis.

- Why would they have done that? - Well, largest surface area.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You see, I think it might be the other type of bedbugs.

The type you get not from the bed itself but from what you do in it.

Right.

Come on, shredder, spill the beans!

Well, I guess it has been hurting when I spill the beans.

Thank you.

I'm gonna give you the name of an excellent clinic and a cream that will help you.

Thank you.

(READING) Herp Ease.

- That's a great name. -It's a great cream.

The itch should soon disappear, though you might be left with some discolouration,

which, in my opinion, only adds character.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Should I tell them that you sent me?

Absolutely not.

Salve, Grumio.

Alright, Landlord.

Feeling lucky, are you?

I suppose I am, yeah.

I just found a bit of chicken in my teeth I didn't know were there.

Well, then, in that case you want to get one of these.

Ride that luck like a big, old unicorn.

- What are they? - Lottery ticket.

Caesar's raising funds to ship in a load of dogs.

- We thought that might be next. - Yeah, you want one?

- How much is it? - A single denarius.

- What's the prize? - A million.

Imagine what you could do with that.

Bloody hell. I'd be a millionaire, wouldn't I?

Yes, you would. Until you spent any of it, then you wouldn't.

- So I just wouldn't spend any of it. - There's a plan!

Right, the draw's tomorrow. Be lucky.

- Will you come in with me? - What for?

In case the doctor tries to finger me!

Why would he do that?

Because that's what they do, these old quacks!

They get you in there, check you over and they finger the shit out of you.

(SCOFFS) What, even if you've just got a cold?

Even if you've just got a sniffle, mate.

Stylax Rufus Eur...

Eurisces.

Yes, that's me.

- So, shall I... - You know what? I think I'll be alright.

- What if she tries to finger you? - I'll cope.

And have you had intercourse with anyone

who's recently returned from Gaul or Germania?

- So, yes, basically. - Yes.

And have you ever engaged in sadism or masochism?

No.

- It's much better if you're honest. - Yes, then.

Okay. I'm just gonna have a little look.

Hey, aren't you gonna buy me dinner first?

- I tend to eat before my shift. - That's very wise.

Oh, it's a bad rash, isn't it?

Yeah, it's quite...

In fact, it's just a little bit to the left on the...

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Okay and how does it feel when I do this?

(SHUDDERS) Yeah.

(SIGHS) That's fantastic.

The awkward bit is out of the way. We've already got to third base.

- I'm not sure that counts as third base. - Of course it does.

Well, in that case she gets to third base with several men every day.

No, I think it was different. She was laughing at me.

- Is that a good thing? - At what I was saying, not at my goolie.

- Sorry, your goolie? - Yeah.

I don't think you can have one goolie. It's just your goolies.

No, no, no, no. The whole thing is your goolies, which means all three of them.

But it you're talking about one in particular, you say goolie.

(SNIGGERS)

So, how long do you think I should leave it before I see her again?

- Four or five years. - That's too long!

Well, you can't just pop in like it's your local café.

Yeah, but I need to get back in that little room with her.

Shall I get Felix the horrific dead pigeon or the terrifying stuffed rat?

Get both.

I'm gonna pay 10 denarii for carcasses?

It's all about Cynthia, right?

You get in with her pussy, and you'll get into her...

So, okay, stop there. That's one of the worst things you've ever said!

I know. I've been working on it.

These.

It's a pigeon and a rat.

Oh, they're lovely.

- I should say, for Felix. - Oh, right!

Passing a pet store, could not resist.

They're a bit grisly.

Yes, but they have bells in, so they're also fun.

-(BELLS CHIMING) - Well, I'm sure Felix will love them.

Yeah. I was thinking you and me could take him for a walk.

Cats don't go for walks.

We could carry him, then. Take him for a carry.

And he's round at your place.

- Is he? - Yeah, he loves it there.

And we love having him, obviously.

Although, you probably want him back now, don't you?

Oh, no rush. You guys bond.

It's going brilliantly. Maybe I could put a cat flap in between the two flats.

Hey, that's a good idea. One man's cat flap is another man's glory hole.

Oh, what's he doing now?

Oh, I think he's coughing up a fur ball. Go on, buddy, you can do it!

If I win the lottery, I might buy a pet.

Not like that, though. A big 'un. Like a bloody great horse.

- What you gonna do with a horse? - Sit on it.

What? Like a big hairy chair?

Yeah, and you're not having a go on it.

Grumio, mate, you bought that ticket with my money.

- So? - So I own it.

I also own you and all your possessions, including your imaginary horse.

Get your hands off my horse!

It doesn't matter anyway, because there's as much chance of you winning the lottery

as there is of Felix over there getting on two feet, admitting he's a prick,

and offering to put a good word in with Cynthia for me.

Actually, there's more chance of us winning the lottery.

- Only marginally. - Because he's a cat.

Yeah, because he's a cat,

but also because he's dead.

Fuck.

He choked on something.

What did he choke on?

The fur ball, I think.

I mean, if it's any consolation, I think he died happy.

- I don't think you can choke happily. - Well, serenely, then.

Show me how he choked serenely.

Why?

Because I want to see it for myself.

Uh, well, it was a bit...

(CHOKING SOUNDS)

That sort of thing.

Did you like Felix?

What? Yeah, of course I liked him. I liked him loads!

Why did you threaten to throw him off the balcony, then?

That wasn't serious. I was...

"Mess with me again, buddy, and you're going down."

Buddy. I called him buddy. We were buddies.

And did he mess with you again? Is that what happened?

- No, no. - Or did you give him herpes?

I'm sorry, what?

We found this note in the bag with the toys. Herp Ease.

That's not mine. That's for Stylax.

I told you it couldn't be his.

Why couldn't it be mine? I could have herpes.

I mean, I don't... Just, I'm sexually active.

- With cats? - No, humans!

Women, human women.

So, did Stylax touch Felix?

No. Well, they shared a scratching post...

Because all I know is that Felix's last moments on this earth

were spent with one man who threatened to throw him off a balcony

and another man riddled with herpes!

- You're burying the toys, are you? - Yes, with their owner.

But I kept the receipt, so we could...

No, do bury them.

It's what he would have wanted.

- She thinks I gave him herpes? - Or that I chucked it off a balcony.

Well, mine's worse. Yours involves chucking it, mine involves fucking it!

No, she's not accusing you of actually fucking the cat to death.

Okay, good.

She just knows that you have herpes and you shared a scratching post.

So, at the very worst, she thinks you indirectly fucked it to death.

Can you even give a cat herpes?

I don't know. Ask that nurse of yours.

Don't talk about my nurse.

- What's wrong with you? - I don't want to talk about it.

- Okay, cool. - Uncle Adrian died.

- What, the long one? - He just had a heart attack and died.

- God, that's terrible. - I know. I'm devastated.

Although, you did only just find out he existed, so it's not that bad, is it?

-"Not that bad"? - No.

I mean, the total number of Uncle Adrians in your life

is kind of the same as it was a couple of days ago, you know.

There's a brief spike and then it evened out.

- I've lost an uncle! - Yeah, but he was already lost, wasn't he?

So, you found him and then you lost him again.

- Anyway, I've got something to cheer you up. - Go on.

Stylax has herpes.

Ha.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Thanks for telling me.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I might not have it any more.

Oh, for Jove's sake, I'm on an emotional roller coaster here.

Hey, I just want to...

- Knock, please! - Yeah, sorry.

Don't just barge in!

Sorry. I just wanted to say, you were spot on!

It wasn't bedbugs, it was genital herpes.

The Herp Ease cream you recommended worked a treat.

You really know your stuff.

(GASPING)

I think you're in the wrong room.

- Is this not the office nurse? - No.

- Do we have an office nurse? - No.

Right. You see, I've confused this room

with where the nurse's room might be if we had one.

Um, we've all done it.

(LAUGHING)

Can I get anybody some water or a sandwich?

- Just go. - Cool.

Hi. How is she?

- Bearing up. - Good, good.

I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Not for killing Felix, because I did not do that, but just for her tragic loss.

Right. I'll pass that on...

And if there's anything I can do, please, let me know.

Well, you could take out the rubbish.

Yeah, more for her.

I mean, I could take her for a drink or something.

I don't think so.

Yeah, too soon?

Yeah, and because you're a snide, two-faced, creepy liar.

Right. Did she say that or is that more your opinion?

-It's a combination. - Okay.

Anything I can do to redeem myself?

- Well, taking this would be a... - Yes, fine!

- Are you gonna tell her I did this, or... - Probably not.

Of course not.

Nine women in one night?

Yeah, approx.

I mean, after I left here I just sort of went on a bit of a sex rampage.

A rampage in a criminal sense?

Oh, no, a consensual rampage. You know, so it was all fine.

Not from a sexual-health point of view. But...

No, sure. Sexual-health-wise, it's a fiasco.

So you'll see me again, right?

Okay. Come through.

- Salve, Grumio. - Alright, Landlord.

- Oh, you didn't win, then? - What makes you say that?

Well, your clothes, your posture, your face.

It's not the look of a classic lottery winner, is it?

I didn't know they'd done it yet.

Yeah, the winner number is 3461.

Check your ticket, I would.

Yeah, I will do. How did you get on?

Me? Well, I don't play the lottery, mate. I'm not an idiot.

Listen, let me know if you want one for next week, yeah?

Yeah, will do.

One of them was a witch?

Yeah, she was horrible.

So why did you have sex with her, then?

I know, right?

But, anyway, enough about me, let's talk about you for a change.

Are you single?

Yes, I am.

Now, you might feel some discomfort now as I insert this swab into your goolie.

(GASPS) I say goolie!

- Sorry? - I also say goolie.

- Great. - Do you want to go out with me sometime?

- Because we both say goolie? - No, because we've got chemistry!

Look, you seem like fun and everything,

but you're also a morally bankrupt sex addict.

Ah, hmm... But I am fun.

I'm sorry, it's a no.

I made it all up, all this sex rampage and that.

You know, I'm really not as naughty as you think I am.

I made it all up just so I could see you again.

So, was that rash you first came in with made up?

Ah, no, that was real.

And the hordes of one-night stands you've had, all...

No, no, no. Don't count them!

Just give me a chance.

There's honestly nothing you can say right now

to make me think you're good boyfriend material.

Okay.

Well, in that case, do you think it's possible that I gave herpes to a cat?

Then she said, "I never ever want to see you here again."

Harsh. Then what happened?

Well, I put my penis away and left. What else could I do?

Grumio, mate, can you clear all this up?

Once I've found my lottery ticket.

It was humiliating though. I mean, I would have run home if it wasn't for the chafing.

I thought the herpes had gone?

Yeah, so did I, but it's itching round the back now.

- Do you think it could have migrated? - Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

- Can you take a little look for me? - Not in a million years.

- G-man? - Not right now.

- Have you found it? - No, but I think I know where it is.

- Where is it? -Inside the cat.

Whoa! Serious?

It weren't coughing on a fur ball, it were my ticket.

What makes you think that?

One, it were a very greedy cat, two, it ain't in here.

You can't fault his logic.

How dark is it outside?

- It's dark enough, I reckon. - No, no, no, wait. What if Cynthia sees us?

I want my horse!

Grumio, mate, tell me this.

What are the chances of the ticket being inside the cat?

50/50.

Hmm, and if it is, what are the chances that that is the winning ticket?

50/50.

- Well, it clearly isn't. - Of course it is!

In what way is you winning the lottery 50/50?

Either I will win it or I won't.

-(WHISPERING) Are you sure it was here? - I think so.

I'd have paid more attention if I'd known we'd be digging him up again.

Are we really using a spoon?

It's fine. It's one of my scratching spoons.

(BELL CHIMING)

- What the hell was that? - Oh, that'll be the toys.

I'm taking them back.

And...got him!

Hooray! Nice one.

- Salve, boys. - Perfect.

- Alright, Landlord. - Having fun?

My lottery ticket is in Cynthia's cat.

I want half.

- Half the cat? - Half the winnings.

You can have a quarter.

- Half, or I tell the girls. - Alright, done.

- How are we gonna cut it open? - With the spoon.

What, are you gonna scoop him out like a melon?

- I'll do the honours. - Why have you got that?

For this sort of thing. Shove over.

It could have got lodged in the throat, but I'll try the stomach first.

Oh, come...

(LANDLORD GRUNTING)

- Oh, it won't be in either, actually. - Why not?

Because I just found it in my pocket.

I should probably have checked there first, really.

- Probably, yeah. - Well, did we win?

What's the winning number?

3461. What does that say?

Uh...

-2... - No, then.

No, we didn't.

Alright. Well, get him back in there. That will be five denarii reburial charge.

Of course.

Oh, and make sure you scrub your hands. You don't want to catch worms.

Mangy mog.

Oh, that'll explain the itchy anus!

DOCTOR: So, I'm afraid that's extremely infected.

- Mm-hmm. - But I can give you some cream for the itch,

and recommend some food that will flush the worm out of your bowels.

Cool.

So, what time do you get off work?