Original subtitles

STYLAX: So what do you reckon? GRUMIO: Yeah. It's good.

It's pretty hardcore, innit?

STYLAX: It is hardcore, but it's also classy.

Classy, yeah.

Is that a gang bang?

No, that's a threesome. Two guys can't be a gang, can they?

They are definitely ganging up on her, though.

Yeah, but she's cool with it, she's smiling, look.

Oh, yeah, ha.

MARCUS: Grumio, why haven't you emptied the bin? I've asked you so many times.

I squashed it down instead.

Oh, fine, then.

And now you're looking at porn. I mean, first-class slaving.

Uh, this is not porn, this is vintage erotica, for his birthday.

Yes, of course, one of those thoughtful gifts

where you've clearly bought something for yourself.

No, it's for him.

What, even though he's never expressed any interest in pottery or porn or,

well, anything.

Oh, ey-up! Look at her. Who's that remind you of?

Um, give me clue.

- Cynthia. - Okay, that's quite a big clue.

What? Let me see.

No, I can't see how you're getting Cynthia from...

Oh, wait, oh, wait, hang on. Oh, wow, yeah, got it!

- This is the gift that keeps on giving! - It looks nothing like her!

It does from a certain angle, look.

- Where? What angle? -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, What you up to?

- Not much. - Nothing.

Just got a new vase.

Okay. What are you doing later?

- Ah, um... - Can't quite hear you.

- Oh, no, don't come in, we've just mopped. - Oh, sorry.

- MARCUS: No, we haven't. What are you... - Just lean.

Oh, come on.

- Lean in. - Stop it.

- Right, I was just seeing if... - Still can't hear you.

Sorry, just lean in like a tiny bit more, like an inch, just a tiny bit... There! Stop there!

Now we can hear you.

I was just wondering what you were doing tonight?

His cousin's in town. We're meeting her in the bar,

you should definitely come.

Coolio! See you there!

- You saw that, right? - I'll take it back. It's a great gift.

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home All I got is you #

- So, how old are you going to be tomorrow? - Ah, dunno.

You don't know?

When his parents got me, no one knew me age, so I just started again.

I could be anywhere between 18 and 45.

Wow, you have incredible skin for a 45-year-old.

Cheers.

- Right, everyone grab one of these. - Top-shelf challenge?

- Top-shelf challenge. - Yeow!

- What's that? -It's a family tradition.

One shot from each bottle on the top shelf, which in this place

includes vinegar and brass polish, so pick wisely.

I want a drink! I don't want a challenge.

You need to loosen up, Marcy boy. Starting with this tunic.

Don't touch it! It's expensive!

- Really? How? There's hardly any material. -It's skinny. It's deliberately skinny.

It's anorexic, mate. I can see the lot.

That look is very in right now. I think it suits you.

Mmm, thanks very much.

Got you a birthday cocktail brew. Happy birthday.

So what have you got him for his birthday, then, Marcus?

- Oh, um... - He's not getting me anything.

- What? Why? - Seriously?

- Well, no, I'm get... - He says I don't deserve it.

That's cold.

I didn't say... That was a joke, Grumio.

'Course he deserves it. Being a slave is really hard work!

- MARCUS: I know. - I'd like to see you do that.

Well, that is exactly why I've got him what I've got him.

What have you got him?

Well, tomorrow I'm gonna...

Uh...

I'm gonna be his slave for the day and you'll be my master,

because, as you say, they work so hard, and it is very easy to forget that.

- Wow, what a truly amazing gift. - Yes.

I'd rather have a cake!

- I think that is so impressive. - Yeah, it is.

In fact, everyone, I would like to propose a toast to my tireless slave,

but above all, friend, Grumio.

ALL: Grumio!

Me!

(GAGGING)

Okay, that's the polish.

- Happy birthday. - Cheers.

- Is that my vase? - Yeah, mmm?

Why were you in the bog with it?

I was just trying it out, seeing what it looked like in there.

- Did it look like Cynthia? - I didn't check.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Morning all. Happy birthday, G-man.

Yeah, ta.

Hang on, is this a walk of shame?

- Walk of pride, mate. - Who was it?

- A gentleman never tells. - Was it a gentleman?

- Which gentleman was it? - Okay, piss off! It was a girl.

- What girl? Was she in the bar? - Yeah, she was with us, sort of.

You shagged Cynthia? You couldn't not?

Whoa, whoa, calm down! I didn't shag Cynthia!

Right, so, Metella? Bloody hell, that's brave.

Not Metella.

Totally nailed Lucretia! Yow!

Go get 'em, tiger. Boom!

Sorry, no, hang on. You shagged your cousin?

Yeah, it's no biggie!

I'm pretty sure it is a biggie! Incest is one of the biggest biggies.

- Does that count as incest? - You're related! Your mums are sisters.

Yeah, but they're not close.

Oh, well, if they're not close, that's...

I mean, this is so big I have no idea where to even start.

-(GIGGLING) That's what she said! - Did she? Did she say that?

Or did she say, "What the hell are you doing? We're related."

Of course not! She's never had a problem with it.

- You've done this before? - Yeah, on occasion.

How many occasions?

I dunno“.Ten,12.

(LAUGHING) A dozen?

You've shagged your cousin a dozen times!

- A cousin's dozen. - A cousin's dozen!

- When was the first? - Uh, her mum's 50th.

We got wasted, it was really boring and, you know.

No! No, I do not know!

When my family get together, they get drunk and argue.

Last summer, I helped my cousin Antonia pick up sea shells.

What I did not do was fuck her!

I mean, this is depraved, even for you.

Alright, bullshit! It's not depraved. The royal family do it all the time.

The royal family are mental!

In fact, that's why they're mental, they're incest-y sickos!

No, no, no, you've got this one wrong, mate.

Hah, as the tight tunic proves, you're out of touch with what people think.

- What do you think, Grumio? - Yeah, it's alright.

Don't ask him, he won't know! He once put his dick in a melon!

- Yeah, why did you do that? - I weren't hungry.

Ask around. You will find this is not cool.

Okay, Captain High Horse, I'll ask around.

But answer me this, which one of us got laid last night?

Well, my family are all out of town, so...

I did, so I win, baby. l win!

Oh, not on the tunic!

Oh, hey, great night last night. I love your cousin!

Yeah, I know. Me, too.

- MARCUS: That's amazing. - I made it myself.

- Oh, cheers. - Hmm, sort of.

Well, Metella did the baking bit.

What did you do?

I did the icing. I meant to put "Grumio", but I ran out of space.

My fault for not making a big enough cake, apparently.

Well, let's not get into that again. We're both to blame.

So how's the swap going?

- Yes, it's going well, isn't it, Grumio? - What? What is?

The job swap that we've done, with you being the master.

Ah, no! Can't be arsed with that!

That's a shame.

(LAUGHING) What do you mean, "arsed"? You don't have to do anything!

You can just sit there with your feet up and relax.

He's doing that already.

Exactly! It's pointless, innit?

He's not quite got the hang of it yet. Who wants some cake?

Hmm? Master, some cake for you?

- I will, please. Just a sliver. - Right you are.

A teeny sliver.

Also, Marcus, not a criticism, but acting-wise it might be a bit more realistic

if your slave character is a bit more sad and hunchy.

Sad and hunchy? Um...

Hmm?

Yeah, nailed it.

And if you want to be imperious, Grumio... Can you be imperious?

No, I can't.

One, I don't know what it means. Two, I'm not playing.

Come on, Grumio, it's fun, mate!

Why not get your slave to clean the toilet, Grumio?

Nah, toilet's fine. Blokes can just sort of piss it clean.

- Oh, dear. - I'll give it a wipe later.

So there's nothing you want? Nothing at all?

Go on, Grumio. He'll do anything you say.

Anything?

Uh, well...

Yeah!

Fine. Game on!

Oh, fantastic!

Oi! Put that back.

Uh, how do I do that?

- Don't move and keep dripping. That's mine. -It's rainwater!

I don't give a shit, mate. It's my bucket! You owe me for that.

Okay, fine.

- Landlord, can I ask you a personal question? - Go on.

Right, do you think it's okay to make love to your cousin?

Mmm, good question!

- What level of cousin are we talking? - First.

- Oh, the top floor. - Mmm.

Okay, now, see, this is not a problem I have,

because my cousin Nigella's been very much beaten with the ugly club.

-(GIGGLING) Isn't it ugly stick? - In her case it was a club.

Although, I shouldn't really joke, she is genuinely very unhappy.

On the flip side, I've got a mate, Hector, whose cousin is an absolute stunner,

and if I was him, I'd be in there like a rat up a drainpipe!

Right. So what you're basically saying is it depends on what she looks like?

Very much so.

- Does that help? - Sort of, yeah, cheers.

- No, that is not part of the game! - You said anything.

Yeah, I meant anything in terms of abstract tasks, not personal accoutrements.

You know, I'm giving you my time and energy, not like actual belongings.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Look, you'll get it dirty! You're dirty!

Oh, I see.

And, you know, Cynthia kinda likes me in it, so...

(MIMICKING MARCUS)

I'm not bothered! You're my slave, you do as I say!

That's the game, innit?

You don't even want it, you're just trying to annoy me!

You should have thought about that

when you give me this shitty gift, then, shouldn't you?

Now take off your bastard tunic!

- Please, Grumio... I'll buy you a hat. - What kind of hat?

- Pointy! - Eugh!

- No, not pointy! Smooth. Anyhow... - I want your tunic!

No! Categorically, no!

Or I'll tell Cynthia what you've been getting up to in the bog,

with the vase at a certain angle!

- I'm sure she'll be very impressed with that. -(SCOFFS) You wouldn't dare!

Just you try me!

Oh, yes, that's much more slave-y!

(LAUGHING) Yeah, thanks. I thought $0.

Keep up the hunching!

No, 1,000% no! Gross, eugh!

Hang on.

- Has one of you humped your cousin? - Well, no, in theory.

- Oh, my God! Who was it? - Well, pfft, who knows?

- Okay, I do. it was clearly you. - Yeah, it was him.

Marcus, you weren't meant to say!

There's no way Marcus would do something like that.

- Correct. - Like he ever has sex with anyone.

Well, no, that's not why.

And you're a dirty little perv, so it's right up your horrid alley!

I don't care what you think, mate. She's hot as shit, so it's fine.

- Really? What's she look like, then? - Tall, dark, curly.

Exactly like him, basically!

Oh, wow! This gets better and better.

You're knobbing your cousin,

'cause it's the closest you can get to having sex with yourself.

You may as well bore a hole in the mirror and shag that!

Alright, Aurelius, that'll do.

Oh, you want me to take the piss out of that sack you're wearing instead, Marcus?

Oh, no, go back to him, then.

Dirty, dirty, dirty dick! You've got a dirty dick!

Eugh! Gross. Dirty cousin-fucker.

You've got a dirty dick on the end of your dick.

Yow! Great night!

Oh, man, it got proper messy at the end there.

- We gotta stop doing that. - Yeah, really, you think?

Hell, yes! Who dances on bars? We're such dicks.

Oh, yeah, I thought you were talking about the whole us shagging thing.

What, hey, we were on fire, cuz!

If there'd been an audience, we would have got a standing ovation!

- You see, I'm not sure we would. - Okay, normal ovation.

Well, maybe even booing.

What? What you talking about?

I've told a few people about what we do and they reckon it's iffy.

That is horse shit! What is iffy about it? I'm a girl, you're a boy...

Yeah, but also cousins.

We're close. So what?

Yeah, but there's close and then there's so close that you're kind of inside each other!

Who cares what other people say, Sty?

It's private and it's awesome, so chill the fuck out.

It's not like we're getting married or anything.

Yeah, yeah, fair point.

Although meeting your family would be a breeze!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Salve, Grumio! - Alright, Landlord?

That's a snazzy tunic! ls your master in? He owes me money.

No, he's at work, but I'm master today, as it goes.

Oh, well, in that case, you owe me money!

Fair do's.

Do you want some cake, by the way? It's my birthday.

Oh, really? Well, many happy returns, whatever that means.

Yeah, I could murder some cake.

Whoa, what is this?

This is not part of the original furnishings, as I recall.

That's vintage erotica.

Lovely. Oh, look at them go!

- That really is fabulous. - Yeah.

Yeah, I actually make that face, as it goes!

That very much is the face I make when I'm doing what he's doing.

There's a girl on the other side looks like Cynthia from next door from a certain angle.

Really? How do you get...

Oh, yep, got it, okay!

- Yeah, oh, can I borrow this? - Borrow?

Yeah, well, I'm just toying with the idea of getting a vase myself,

so I could really do with seeing what it looks like in my place.

How long's that gonna take?

Oh, 10, 15 minutes should be fine!

Okay, fire away.

Right. (CLEARS THROAT)

I hereby call the first meeting of the Office Incest Society.

- Oh, fantastic! Count me in. - Really?

Of course. I've been hooked since I was a wee lad!

I used to collect butterflies.

I once owned a Purple Emperor, if you can believe that?

Oh, no, sorry... "incest".

Oh, right.

No, I didn't do that.

No. So if you just put down, "Anyone who enjoys relations with relations

"should come for a drink and a chat after work."

- Got it. - Can I still count you in?

I'm meant to be meeting my mother this evening.

Bring her along!

(BEATBOXING)

# My name is Stylax I'm into weird sex

111 I shag my granny in her fanny

# I kiss my brother I fuck my mother

# And all my uncles in the... #

What a life you lead, water boy.

Water man. I was doing him.

Sounds like you were doing everyone!

- You missed the beginning bit. - Lucky me!

Change your tunic, copier?

Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just for today.

I don't know, it's very you! It's functional and drab.

Shredder, darling, quick word in my office.

- Yep. -(GROANS)

Sorry if it's inappropriate or something.

Don't be. I fully approve.

Really?

As you might suspect, shredder, my family are both gorgeous and liberal,

so I have, of course, climbed the family tree, swung from its branches

and sampled its fruit and/or nuts.

Right, so you're pro?

An old pro, yeah!

And I believe that society has no right to judge!

- Oh! - Each to their own, I say.

Mmm, I guess that's how incest works, yeah!

Was your one with a cousin?

My one was more of a three, actually.

My first affair was with an uncle when I was 17.

He was extremely generous as a lover, teacher and chef.

The second was with a first cousin and the third was with a second cousin.

- Phew! - I salute you, shredder.

You're doing a noble thing.

I'm doing a terrible thing!

Yes, I know. I've been telling you that. What changed your mind?

- Flavia. - What, has she told you off?

No, she told me on.

She loves it, and she's a bloody deviant!

I mean, she takes baths in arse milk, for fuck sake!

Mmm, pretty sure that's ass' milk rather than arse milk.

Yeah, that makes sense. I was wondering how you milk an arse.

What you gonna do?

I'm gonna have to dump my cousin, aren't I?

Brilliant! As if family holidays weren't awkward enough!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Marcus! Give this back to your master.

Sorry, why have you got it?

- Well, I was just having a go on it. - What? What does that mean?

Well, from a certain angle one of the girls looks a little bit...

- I know, I know about the angle. - Alright, chill out!

Tell Grumio I meant to return it earlier, I was trying it out in different rooms.

Yeah, I bet you were!

Oh, look, missed a spot!

Grumio, do not, I repeat do not lend Landlord the vase to wank over.

- Hey! - Hello!

- What are you doing here? - Come and have a look at Grumio.

Okay. I mean, I have seen him before, but...

(LAUGHING)

Alright.

Doesn't he look amazing?

Yeah, that is great.

Just stop a sec, please, mate. How much is this costing?

Oh, don't worry about that, slave, it's my money now.

And Franco's worth every penny.

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) Glad to hear it.

Carry on, Franco.

Just watch the tunic, would you, please, Franco?

What's for me tea?

Well, we've got potatoes and eggs...

I want a goose!

(LAUGHING) We're not having a goose.

- Your master's asked for a goose. - Yes, he has, but I'm not gonna...

What were it I heard you saying about lending Landlord the vase?

Let's have a goose, in fact. Why not? Why not?

Groovy! Do you wanna goose, Cynth?

Do you? Would you like a goose?

No, thanks, there's still some cake left.

Franco, goose?

Okay.

Two gooses.

STYLAX: It's not you, it's me.

In fact, it's not me, it's us.

It's our grandparents being the same.

I know. It's so weird. People were properly judgy when I spoke to them about it.

- I know, right? - Maybe we're just ahead of our time.

- Or behind our time. - Mmm.

So are we ending it, then?

The incest bit, yeah. But, I mean, we're still gonna be friends, right?

Hell, yeah! More than friends, rellies!

Exactly! It's not like we're not gonna see each other again.

Right. I think we're all going to Auntie Augusta's this summer,

which is now gonna be boring as shit without the shagging!

Yeah, we'll have to do a crappy treasure hunt, eh?

Yeah.

Come here, cuz!

And release!

Dinner time, then, you curly twat!

Hurry up, I'm starving.

- Where's Franco? - Oh, he couldn't wait for you.

- So what do I do with this goose? - Mmm, whatever. Release it!

Release it? Okay, brilliant.

Off you go, then, mate! You're free!

- Oi, that's not a goose. - Yes, it is.

Goose have got long bendy necks. That's a shit goose!

No, it's not a... Do you mean a swan?

That's it! I want one of them arrogant pricks!

- Well, they don't sell swans. - Well, go and catch one, then.

What? Hang on, what's that on my tunic? Is that dye? Have you dyed my tunic?

Ah, that's from where I got me highlights done.

- Right, that's it. Game over. Take it off. - No. I'm the boss.

Not any more, you're not. We're stopping this. Come on.

I'll tell her about the vase. Cynthia!

Get that bloody tunic off now!

Maybe I'll show her the angle! Cynthia!

Well, you can't prove anything.

Ah, give it back, give it back. Cynthia!

You big bastard!

Oops!

You want "oops"? I'll give yer "oops"!

Well, no, no, no!

- Agh! - Stop.

I'm eating the cake all wrong. Oh, no!

- Stop, stop it, that's worth more than you are! - Apparently, yeah!

Since you couldn't be arsed to get me a birthday present, I know you think that.

Right, it's mess you want, is it? I'll give you mess.

(TRICKLING SOUNDS)

You pissing yourself?

It's your tunic, so technically I'm pissing yourself.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

- It is, actually. - Oh.

What you doing?

(GRUNTING)

I'm upping the ante!

Grumio, stop it. Seriously.

- Ah, and touchdown! - Ah!

See if I've got any more where that came from.

- No, don't, come on. - Oh, I nearly do. (GRUNTS)

Stop it!

(GRUNTING)

Have you pissed and shitted yourself?

"Shat", yeah!

Stylax had sex with his cousin.

Ah, thanks for fixing it.

Can't quite find the angle any more, though!

Ah, well. I got the stains out your tunic, by the way.

- Oh, thanks, man! - Yeah, it took ages. It were dead soiled.

- Sorry about the soil. - That's fine, hmm.

Shrunk a bit.

Yeah, might be too skinny now.

Yeah, and it stinks of shit.

Aaw, go on, go on, do it!

(LAUGHING)