Original subtitles

MARCUS: This is the skankiest gym in town.

I mean, why did we join this place?

This is so rank. I mean, what is that guy doing?

STYLAX: He's exfoliating.

He's grating his foot onto the floor like a block of cheese.

(STYLAX CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's grim.

So I'll take it out, then?

No, leave it in. Cork it.

(MAN HAWKING UP PHLEGM)

Lovely.

Now swallow it.

Swallow it, maybe? Are you gonna swallow it?

-(MAN SPITS LOUDLY) - No. Spit on the floor, much better.

- You don't like people, do you? -(GRUNTS DISMISSIVELY) I like people.

I just don't like their bodies.

Yeah, but that's kind of how they come.

Standard packaging, isn't it?

There's just a limit to how much my senses can take.

And that's my limit!

I think I'll hit the plunge pool before someone takes a shit in my lap.

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home All I got is you #

- Excuse me, mate, are you dry? - Oh, uh...

Are you dry, mate, or are you still a bit wet?

Uh... No, I'm pretty dry.

Can I borrow your towel, then, please?

Oh, right. (STUTTERING) Do you not have a...

I've been a right numpty, I've left mine at home.

I'll be as quick as a flash, I promise.

Uh...

-(NERVOUSLY) Yeah. - Cheers, mate, you're a legend.

It's just I'm supposed to be meeting this bird...

Yeah, right. No, it's fine. I'm fine with this.

- Ta. - Uh-huh. Okay.

- I'll be two ticks. - Two ticks, okay.

(WHISTLING)

Oh, he didn’t just pat himself down,

he got right in the cracks. He was practically flossing with it.

- That's gross. - I know! I had to throw it away.

- Why did you lend it to him? - Well, he put me on the spot.

He was naked and...

What kind of sicko borrows a towel, anyway?

Well, what else was he supposed to do?

- He could have dripped dry. - You drip-dry?

I often drip-dry, or shake-dry.

Shake-dry? Do you mean like a dog?

It works, doesn't it?

You never see a dog with a towel.

- Oh, by Jove, it's him. It's the towel guy. - Where?

He just walked in with the flowers.

- Who, Cassius? - You know the towel guy?

Yeah. Cynthia's started seeing him.

Seeing him? Out and about, or, like, seeing him during sex?

What do you reckon?

Everyone, this is Cassius.

Cassius, these are my neighbours, Stylax, Grumio and Marcus.

- Oh, it's you! - Hardly recognise you with your clothes on.

(LAUGHING) Yeah, likewise.

- You two know each other? - This hero lent me his towel.

- Oh... - I would have stood you up

if it weren't for him. So thanks again, geez.

Hey, nice tat, dude.

- Oh, thank you very much. - The mark of a gladiator.

- You're a gladiator? - Oh, God.

- STYLAX: Cool, what type? - Middleweight net man, east-end division.

Just transferred from Syracuse last season.

God, you know your stuff, don't you?

I collect the stickers.

Well, listen, I can sort you out with some tickets

'cause I'm on tomorrow.

So, why don't you come and cheer me on?

- No, no, we're all right. - Wicked.

- Nice one. -(RELUCTANTLY) Okay, yeah.

I can't compete with that.

Well, not at fighting, no. But you've got other skills.

- Such as? - Spelling.

You were always top of the class at school.

So I challenge him to a spell-off, then?

(BLOWS) Yeah, you'd spell him a new arsehole.

Also, there's something else I didn't mention before.

- What? - When I saw him naked

in the changing room this morning, he was, um...

- Muscular? - Yeah.

There was one muscle in particular that stood out.

Uh, what we talking here, long and slender?

And sort of thick and fearsome.

Like a boa constrictor.

Thick. A thick dick.

Whereas mine, you know, I'd just come out of the plunge pool and it was, uh...

- Not so snaky? -It was more like a dormouse.

His penis could've eaten my penis for breakfast.

Yeah, just dislocated its jaw and chowed down on it.

God knows what damage he's doing to Cynthia with that thing.

- No, don't think about it. - Well, what if he tells her about my one?

You know, I'd just come out of the plunge pool, for God's sake.

He's not gonna be talking to Cynthia about your penis, Marcus.

Why not? I'm telling you about his.

The guy is a gladiator!

He fights in the arena.

Why would he go home after that and talk to Cynthia about your penis?

Anyway, I've seen your penis, Marcus,

-and it's fine. - Really?

- It's absolutely fine. - Well, thanks.

When have you seen my penis?

(AU AURELIUS CLEARING THROAT)

Can we give it a rest?

- Give what a rest? - All the penis talk. It's really unprofessional.

Oh, I'm sorry, are we distracting you?

Well, maybe just focus on doing some work for a change,

-mouse cock. - Whoa!

I call it a mouse cock, not you.

Yeah, and to be clear, his cook's the size of a mouse, not the size of a mouse's cock.

- That's right, isn't it? - Yeah, kind of without the tail.

I don't care. I don't want to discuss it any more.

- Oh, shit. - What?

I've just written "haughtily mouse cock" on the company's spending report.

Right! You see? Focus.

So psyched for this!

- Are you? - Big time. I've always been into gladiating.

- It's not called gladiating. - I meant gladiatoring.

Tickets! Buying and selling tickets!

All right, Landlord.

Oh! Salve, Grumio. Lads.

You taking a break from landlording?

It's not called landlording.

I'm just helping a mate out who runs the fights.

We're here to see a mate, as it happens.

More of an acquaintance, to be fair.

Cassius the net man.

Oh, he's up against Orgetorix the Gaul.

Mmm. He any good, this Orgetorix?

Nah, he's jizz. Yeah, one for the crowd.

They love to see a Gaul get slaughtered.

Well, good. That is a relief.

Anyway, enjoy the bloodshed.

Tickets! Buying and selling.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(STRIDENT WHISTLING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(NEIGHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(FANFARE PLAYS)

CROWD: Ooh!

(FANFARE)

CROWD: Ah! STYLAX Ooh! Ah!

(ANOTHER FAN FARE)

(CROWD GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yeah, sport!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Look, here he comes.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Where's his helmet?

Net men don't wear helmets.

No, yeah, I know that.

So, did Cassius tell you about when we met?

Yeah, in the baths. Small world.

Yeah, exactly. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

I'd been in the plunge pool.

- Okay. - Just to give you the context.

You know, I was

extremely cold and, um,

my body had gone into survival mode.

- Just so you get the whole picture. - Right.

BOTH: We who are about to die

salute you.

Oh, I love that bit.

GRUMIO: Here we go.

Yeah, go on, Cassius!

Not now. You'll distract him.

Oh.

Oh, that's it, my son.

Keep your distance.

No, don't get drawn in.

- Wait for it. - Wait, wait, wait for it, my son.

- Oh, not there, not there. - Clearly not there.

GRUMIO: That's it. Wear him out.

Nice.

-(GRUMIO LAUGHS APPRECIATIVELY) - Ooh!

Ah, net him. Fucking net him!

Got the bastard! (LAUGHING)

Job done.

- May I? - Go ahead.

Go on, Cassius!

Oh, that is so adorable.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, how do you do this, then?

Well, what you wanna do is you wanna whip it over and then you wanna reel it in.

That's how I pulled Cynth.

Really? You put a net on her head?

Yeah, I wouldn't let her go until she agreed to a date.

- Isn't that right, baby? - Mmm-hmm. It was very romantic.

Yeah. It's the same move I used in the fight today, actually.

It's not so romantic.

Oh, you bossed it out there, man.

- You were magic. - No, no, it was too easy.

They keep putting me up against these Gallic mugs.

- Gallic mugs? - Gallic mugs.

His name was Orgetorix.

Was it? Oh, if you say so.

O-R-G-E-T-O-R-I-X. Orgetorix.

He's awesome at spelling.

I can see. You know, that is very impressive.

- Thank you. - Well done, mate.

Thank you.

Fucking hell!

- Yeah. Very good. Very good. - Your face!

- You were really afraid! - I was.

I was afraid that I'd hurt Cassius.

- What, that you'd pulled his hand off? - Mmm-hmm!

- Yes. Yes. - I'm sorry, geez, I'm sorry.

-It's fine. (FAKE LAUGHING) - Cheap joke, cheap joke.

Oi-oi, that's a nice grip, man.

- You done this before? - I've dabbled.

I fancy a hot drink. How about you?

- Oh, that'd be lovely. - Oh! You got anything herbal?

- Salve, Marcus. - All right, Landlord.

- Enjoy the gladiators? - Not really.

- Hmm. - Just out of interest,

what's their average lifespan?

- I don't know, one or two years. - That long?

Well, at least. I know one fighter in his seventies, got a sword in one hand

-and a walking stick in the other. - Right.

- So this mate of yours who runs the bouts... - Darius.

- I don't want to know his name. - Too late. It's Darius.

Okay. Could he, in theory,

put Cassius against someone properly dangerous?

Well, depends.

- What's your budget? - Budget?

Well, if you wanna knobble this guy you've gotta have a budget.

I didn't say I wanted to knobble anybody.

I mean, knobbling a gladiator's easy.

It's untraceable, isn't it?

Five denarii.

For five denarii, he could put him up against a dog.

- And for eight? - Think there's an old hippo knocking about.

How much for an actual person?

At least 20.

- What's your upper limit? - I can't go higher than 22.

Three. 24, 25.

I'll see what I can do.

Great! See what you can do.

Now, hot drinks.

METELLA: It's gone! Relax! CYNTHIA: Yes, but where has it gone?

- There it is. - What?

- A spider. - Oh, yeah.

- Got it. - What the hell did you do that for?

Sorry. What did you want me to do?

Not kill it, you bloody psychopath!

- It's only a spider. -It was a living creature!

Have you no care for the sanctity of life?

The sanctity of...

What? You are the one going out with a gladiator.

- Yes, so? - So killing's kind of what he does for a living.

Except for it's less spiders, more people from France.

That's completely different.

Because he doesn't stamp on them?

No, because he doesn't actually kill anyone!

He... (STAMMERING)

- Sorry, what? -It's theatre.

Well, it's in a theatre.

It's not the kind of acting that I want to do or anything,

but fight scenes that realistic are a very skilful theatrical form.

Hmm. Do you want to tell her? Or should I?

It's real, Cynth. That's his job.

Piss off.

- Are you serious? - METELLA: Afraid so.

So, that guy he killed yesterday wasn't an actor?

Or if he was, it was his last performance.

He's dead. Because your boyfriend shoved a trident into his body

and his guts fell out.

So that's why he didn't come for a drink after the show!

- Again, not a show. - Mets, why didn't you say anything?

I suppose because we'd already seen him kill four people,

I assumed that you were aware that he

kills people.

- What about the blood? - She thought it was fake.

- And the scars? - Also fake.

Maybe she thought his penis was fake, too.

God, I hope so. That is the only explanation for his bloody...

girth.

AURELIUS: And they're back on penises.

Sorry, we should focus, right?

Well, it might be an idea, mightn't it?

Focusing on work rather than penises for a change.

Do you know what would help me focus?

A nice, cool glass of water.

Yes. It would, actually.

Scientists say that it increases your productivity by 20%.

- Really? - Yeah.

I did not know that, Aurelius. Thank you!

See, this is so much more civilised.

Oh, holy shit! There's a hand! Is that a fucking hand?

Oh, God. Flavia!

Flavia, there's a fucking hand in the jug...

It was an innocent prank. I just wanted to noodle him a bit.

Yeah, well, you certainly did that. He's a gibbering wreck!

I had to send him home for the day.

- Whose hand is it? - Uh, a dead man.

Yeah, well, that's something. He won't be asking for it back, then.

- Did you know him? - Not personally, um,

but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded, he was very outgoing

and French.

Right, here's what I want you to do. First, buy a new jug.

- Not a problem. - And then you will apologise to water boy.

- Oh, come on, that's pushing it. - Do it. Now get out.

- Where's the hand now? - I'm taking it home.

- What for? - I just wanna keep it.

Oh, that is disgusting.

No! Oh, no! God! That's not what I meant!

Why would you even...

Although, I suppose if you shut your eyes, you could...

Throw it away!

Throw it away.

GRUMIO: Go on.

- I've got to get him a jug. - So buy him one, then! That's ours.

- We never use it. - I do, actually.

If I need a wee at night, then it's well handy.

- Okay! Yeah, take it. - Sweet.

(CLATTERING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Can you hear that?

CASSIUS: Cynthia!

Cynthia!

Cynthia!

(PEBBLE CLATTERING)

33$!

- What's up, man? - She's dumped me.

Cynthia dumped me.

Never been dumped before.

- She said I was a savage. - Oh, that's horrible.

I mean, you can see where she's coming from.

No, fine, you know, what I do is a bit savage,

-but I'm not a savage. - No, you're not.

You're a highly trained professional killer.

Yeah, it's not like you enjoy it.

No, I do a bit. I...

- I don't know. - Oi!

There must be hordes of women out there desperate to jump a gladiator.

Get out there and shag yourself happy.

I'll come with you, if you like, and mop up your cast-offs.

Thanks for the offer.

But I don't think I could sleep with anyone else.

- More for me, then. - And what would I do?

You could wait.

Or watch, I suppose.

And you think it'd cheer me up to watch you shagging?

Well...

It's worth a try.

(STARTING TO CRY)

Put her out your mind, and focus on your next fight.

- When is it? - This weekend.

- And who's it against? - Don't know, don't care.

You know what? How about I get you a nice, hot drink?

Oh, an herbal tea would be lovely.

- I'm gonna do that right now. - Thanks, Marcus.

- You're a real good mate. - Well...

Yeah.

You don't need to knobble him any more. Uh, cancel the knobbling.

Too late, he's knobbled.

- What? How? - I sorted it.

You said you'd see what you could do.

Yeah, I saw what I could do, and then I did it.

Well, doing is not a part of "I'll see what I can do."

Sure it is. "I'll see what I can do, leave it with me."

No. "Leave it with me," you can do it, okay?

"I'll see what I can do," you report back.

- Well, I did it. - So undo it.

I can't, it's been advertised.

- I'm already selling tickets. -(SIGHS)

Who's he fighting?

The Beast of Germania.

Is that a man or an actual beast?

I'd say he's of mixed heritage.

So what are Cassius' chances?

Very slim.

I reckon the Beast is going to chew him up and shit him out.

Not literally?

- Has been known. - Oh, God.

Can I just ask,

what did this Cassius do to piss you off in the first place?

Um...

He borrowed my towel.

Oh! Heavy.

Look, this Beast guy won't definitely win.

I mean, first he's gonna have to kill Cassius

and then he's gonna have to kill his enormous penis.

(CHUCKLING)

- Hi, Aurelius. - Good morning.

Sorry about putting that thing in your jug yesterday.

- That thing? - Yeah.

That thing was the hand of a dead man.

Of a fucking dead man!

I apologise. it was meant in the spirit of fun.

- Well, it wasn't funny. - No.

- But on the other hand... - There is no other hand.

AURELIUS: I see you've bought me a new jug.

- Yeah. -It's a bit gaudy, but it'll have to do.

- Oh, can I give you a hand with it? - No, I'm fine.

Thank you.

I'd like to lodge a formal complaint.

Listen, don't you think this has all got a bit out of hand?

- Oh! He's still doing it. - Stop it, shredder.

- Well, no, that one was by accident. - I mean, of course it wasn't!

- It was! It was off the cuff! - And another one!

No, hang on. I said "cuff", that's not the same as "hand".

Oh, it's the same ball park!

Okay, okay, can we all just calm down, please?

- No. Not until I lodge a formal complaint. - Oh, for God's sake.

How do I do that?

You sit up straight and you say it

in a formal manner.

What, really?

Okay. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Since they've arrived, they've basically turned the copy room into a boys' club.

They are obsessed with their penises.

- We're not obsessed. - Yes. Yes, you are.

They create a puerile and unfocused atmosphere, and it hacks me right off.

- Is that it? - Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, water boy.

May I have a word alone with shredder?

Thank you for your time.

- Water man. - Water man.

- Fire him. - Shut up.

You make this nuisance go away or I will fire you both.

- How? - Buy him a brooch, take him out dancing.

Cook him a fucking flan! I don't care!

Just deal with it.

- This is actually my first time here. - Yeah?

- Have you been much, have you? - Oh, yeah. Loads. Love it.

I'm an old hand.

- I'm sorry, it's just a joke. - Oh! (LAUGHS) No, it's fine, it's funny.

-It's funny now. - Okay. Cool.

(HORN PLAYING)

CROWD: Ooh!

(HORN PLAYING)

CROWD: Ah!

(HORN PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

- What the fuck was that one? - That's for the Beast.

The Beast has his own chant.

-(CROWD CHEERING) - Oh, the men are coming.

Shit.

- Is your mate the Beast, or the... - The other one.

- Where's his helmet? - Net men don't wear helmets.

Right. Do they have nets?

Probably should do. Grumio, where's his net?

Bugger. He's forgot it.

He needs to get focused.

Yeah, well, focus is critical. That's what I've been saying.

(GERMAN ACCENT) We who are about to die salute you.

What's he doing?

- He appears to be sitting down. -(CROWD BOOING)

Stand up! Fight! Fight!

Is he crying?

Come on, you. Be a man.

Come on, Gas.

- What's wrong with him? - He's lovesick.

Oh, that's bad timing.

(CHANTING SOFTLY) Cassius. Cassius.

- Cassius. Cassius. - Cassius. Cassius.

ALL THREE: Cassius.

- Cassius! - CROWD: Cassius!

(CHANT BUILDING) Cassius! Cassius!

- Cassius! Cassius! Cassius! - Cassius! Cassius! Cassius!

- Cassius! Cassius! Cassius! - Come on, my son, get your game face on.

Fist-bump me, lad.

That's it. Back in the game, my son.

- Go on, Cassius. - That's it.

Have him, Cassius!

Oh!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Hey. -Hey.

- What you got there? - Just some stuff he left at my place.

You should have it.

- He liked you guys. - Oh, cool.

Thanks.

- So, who was it who killed him? - Um, guy called the Beast of Germania.

Absolute monster. He didn't stand a chance.

Especially because some twat shouted out.

I was trying to encourage him.

What did you shout?

-"Get him, Cassius." -"Have him, Cassius."

Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?

- Well, Marcus bloody... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- If we're playing the blame game... - Which we are not.

- No more games. No more sport. - Oh, what did you do, Marcus?

Oh, not much. Only fixed it for him to fight that giant fucker in the first place.

What?

(MUTTERING) Yeah.

- How would you even know... - Landlord.

Landlord had him knobbled.

He said he wanted a challenge!

Death is quite a challenge.

I wasn't the one who dumped him and packed him off to the arena with a broken heart.

- Oh, so it was my fault. - Mmm!

You paid to have him knobbled, but it's my fault?

He was a wreck. He forgot his bloody net.

I thought he'd get over it.

Maybe he will, given that it's all elaborate stunt.

He probably had a trap door.

Or a trap head.

He did actually have quite a good innings for a gladiator.

- It was bound to happen sooner or later. - There we go.

So how about we agree, we all killed him,

and just move on? Hmm?

Now, who wants a hot drink?

(SKA MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)