Original subtitles

MARCUS: Hi! I think we're on the guest list?

- BOUNCER: Name? - Marcus.

BOUNCER: Marcus what?

Marcus Phillippus Valerius Gallo.

BACKGROUND CHATTER)

No, you're not on here.

Okay, try Stylax Rufus Eurisces.

- Don't think so. - Might be down as a plus-one?

- Whose plus-one? - I don't mind, who have you got?

Back off. You're not on the scroll, so it's 10 each.

Ten denarii? I mean, one of us is just a slave, so...

So leave him outside.

Can we leave you outside?

Well, I'd rather not.

- He'd rather not, is the thing. -It's dead nippy.

Evening, ladies. You have yourselves a good night.

Okay, so we sort of need to get in.

Look, gents, I'm not sure this is a place for guys like you.

Guys like us? What does that mean?

Do I need to spell it out for you?

# Yeah! When in Rome

# Do as the Romans do

# Far from home, all I got is you #

- Salve, Marcus. - All right, Landlord?

Certainly am. Just got some new tenants, fresh off the boat.

- Oh yeah? What are they like? - Brilliant! Paying 60 a week.

- I meant as people. - Well, idiots, clearly.

But make them feel welcome, won't you?

Here, let me give you a hand with that.

Oh, thanks. I literally love you.

(CHUCKLES) Um, well, I love you too.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm Marcus, I live upstairs.

So do I, I think. Cynthia.

This place is a dump.

Marcus, this is my slave, Metella.

- Hello. - And goodbye. We're not staying here.

Oh, no, really?

What? No, stay! You should stay.

It's dirtier than home, Cynth.

- Where's home? - Britain.

Where we live in huts made of mud.

So, what could be dirtier than mud?

Dog shit on our doorstep.

Oh, gross. That really is dirty.

Yeah, but the dog that did that is actually pretty cute, so...

Still not great. Thanks so much for your help.

Oh, my pleasure. So I tell you what,

I'll get my slave to clean up the dog business,

and when you're settled in, I'll give you a tour of the hood. Yeah?

We could use a tour guide.

Well, then. Done deal.

So, are you a native Roman, then, Marcus?

Pretty much, been here about six weeks, so...

Are you really sure this is a good idea?

Brilliant idea. You'll love it here.

- Anything from home? - No, just junk.

What took you so long, then?

Just helping some new neighbours move in. A couple of Britons.

Girls?

Er, no, boys. Big boys.

In fact, Grumio, I need you to clean up some dog shit from outside their door, okay?

Not okay.

Right. Why not?

It's not our shit or our dog or our door.

Yeah, that's the wrong attitude, mate. We're not on the farm any more.

We're in Rome now.

If you want to impress people here, we've got to...

- Pick up their dog shit? - Well, in this case, yes.

Oh, wow. Oh, my bloody wow.

What?

An orgy?

"The followers of flesh, a feast for the senses."

No, thank you.

No, thank you? Simple as that?

- Not for me. - What, orgies aren't for you? Okay.

What about her? Is she not for you?

- That's a drawing, that's... - Gotta be based on someone.

Someone who won't be there.

But you said you wanted to meet girls.

I said I wanted a girlfriend.

But you might meet her there.

Mmm. Funnily enough, I don't wanna meet my future wife

while she's being humped by a couple of centurions.

So, wait 'til they've finished.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

How much is it?

It's reassuringly expensive, but we can make cutbacks.

- Where? - Uh, with groceries.

We can cut back. Right, Grum?

- Not really. - We are prioritising orgies over food now?

No, it says "feast".

For the senses. That won't be an actual...

Oh, no, there is, there's a bloody buffet!

A buffet at an orgy? That sounds hygienic.

- Is it all you can eat? - Well, I assume so.

You're not going, Grumio! I'm not paying for my slave to bang his way through a buffet.

I wanna be a follower of flesh!

Oh, come on, mate.

You can do this. It's only following.

Following flesh!

I mean, if that's the only way you can get your rocks off,

then, frankly, I feel sorry for you.

And where do you get your rocks off, Aurelius?

Anywhere, mate. Er, bars, galleries, the temple...

- The temple? - Yeah, the temple is full of quality women.

Yeah, on their knees praying. You don't talk to them.

No, actually, on their knees worshipping my rack.

-(SNORTS) - Really? Rack?

Rack means boobs.

No, rack is muscles.

- You have boobs? - Show us your boobs!

I do not have boobs.

I'm glad to hear it. (LAUGHS) Working hard, then, boys?

Always, thank you, Flavia.

I come bearing gifts.

Right, as in more work?

Copier, I need 12 of these double-sided for the business-affairs meeting on Friday.

- Ah, I have already done these. - Oh, you poor thing.

It's just I'd rather not do them again.

And I'd rather not ask you, it's just they were a bit smudgy,

like someone had been weeping on them.

Were you weeping on them?

Uh, no.

Oh, sorry, I think I must have...

- Cheers, mate. - I'll leave the old ones for you, shredder.

Have it done by tomorrow, if poss.

Well, we'll try.

Yes, exactly. Try, and also succeed, because I will need it by then.

So let's maybe have no talking in here.

- Straight back, water boy. - Water man.

Straight back!

(SIGHS) Salve, Grumio.

All right, Landlord?

Working hard, then?

I'm quite stressed, actually.

- Yeah, you look it. - Financial worries.

I'm trying to balance me budget for groceries with me budget for orgies and that.

Cut back on the groceries. No-brainer.

Cheers, yeah.

Do you know anywhere I can get food for cheap?

Well, how cheap are we talking?

Like, free?

Yeah, I might, as it happens.

Whizz kid.

Mmm, well, this is bad food.

Where did you get this mulch?

Landlord showed me a place.

You see, the trick is not to smell it or chew it, just swallow like a duck.

(GULPS)

I mean, am I guaranteed sex? I mean, there must be a catch.

Marcus, trust me. They'll be queuing up for you, mate.

Ah, "Male attendees each have to bring a towel."

- We have towels. -"And a female guest."

- What about them Britons? - No, Grumio, don't.

- I thought you said they were big boys. - Big boys with breasts.

- I saw them first. - Fit Britons?

- Fit Britons. - The Fitons! Ask them to the orgy.

- Uh, no, that's, er, no. - Why not?

Well, one's a slave, sorry, and I kind of like the other one.

- It's perfect. - No, imperfect,

'cause I'm just getting to know her, and...

No, you don't want to get to know her.

That's not how it's done in this city, man.

Girls want guys who are balls out and sexually liberated, not chatty prudes.

I'm not a prude!

Marcus, I know when you've been fiddling with yourself

because you make Venus face the wall.

- She makes me self-conscious. - Well, not any more.

Man up, all right! Get this girl to the orgy.

This is the ideal way to take it to the next level, bro.

Might be skipping a couple of levels.

Well, exactly, cut to the chase.

That's how Romans roll.

Hey, and if she doesn't like it, she can get the next boat back to rainy Briton.

Britain. It's Britain, you dick.

Britain, Briton, whatever. If you don't ask her, I will.

(EXHALES) All right, fine, I'll ask her. Just leave her alone.

Good boy.

So, what about you, who are you going to take?

Don't worry about me, old friend. I've got girls coming out of my arsehole.

Okay. Go ahead.

Female members of staff are invited to an orgy this Friday night.

Yeah, you... You can't put that in a memo.

- Why not? -It's inappropriate.

Has Flavia said so?

Well, not specifically, no,

but memos are more for office news, fire drills, sponsored swims

and, well, not that.

What if I did it through the entertainment committee?

There is no entertainment committee.

- I've just started one. - Really?

Yeah, and I'd like to issue some memos, if that's okay.

Sure, why not?

Memo number one. (CLEARS THROAT)

This Friday, there will be an office cake bake.

Oh, I'll make a lemon drizzle!

Oh, that sounds lovely.

- But no, hang on, don't do that. - Why?

'Cause, memo number two,

due to unforeseen circumstances the cake bake has been cancelled.

Oh, that's a shame.

I know, I'm gutted. So thank God for memo number three.

The cake bake has been replaced with an orgy.

- Great news! - Only girls need apply.

- Anything else? - Must bring own towel. And...send.

"...own towel."

So, this is the Forum.

Oh, it's so romantic!

I find it very romantic.

It's a bit crowded.

Britain's practically empty. We've never really been in a crowd before.

Well, three can be a crowd, can't it?

So what's that building, then, tour guide?

- What, with the red, er, legs? - Columns.

You can also call them legs. That's a temple or a bank or something.

- Oh, which is it? -(CHUCKLES)

- They'll both take your money, won't they? -(LAUGHS)

I'll just check in the city guide.

Oh, the city guide's useless. You should throw it away.

I'm giving you gold here, nuggets of gold you won't find in a bloody guide.

You don't the names of any of the buildings.

Yeah, but, you know, Rome for me is about the people.

They're the real buildings, in a way.

I completely agree. I'm actually training to be an actress.

- Oh, wow! - So I need to know about the real people.

Oh, well, we can't move for real people.

Um, that's a real homeless man there, look!

Hey, that's brilliant.

- Well, not for him. - Um, what else?

Oh, people urinate against that wall at night.

Great, another nugget.

No, no, it's good. Carry on.

Well, as it happens,

I'm actually going to this really Roman thing tomorrow night, if you wanna come.

Not you.

What kind of thing?

Er, it's a party.

- Coolio! - I should say it's, um... (LAUGHS) It's a...

It's a what?

It's an or...

Awesome party.

Okay, coolio.

Coolio. Um, on with the tour!

- Uh, over there's a horse. -It's a donkey.

Cool, really glad you came.

(DONKEY BRAYING)

All right?

What you got there?

Um, rubbish.

- What are you doing? - Just browsing.

How old is that peach?

- It's pretty old. - Can I have it?

Fruit's not one of those things that improves with age, you realise?

What's in that bag?

- Corn on the cob. - Oh, I'll take it.

- It's without the corn. - Cob's fine. I can use cob.

(RUMMAGING)

Saw you earlier, with the hairy stick.

Sweeping. I was sweeping.

I'm Metella, slave of Cynthia.

Grumio. Off of Marcus.

Of course you are, 'cause that makes perfect sense.

You going to this thing on Friday night, then?

No. I'm not invited.

Nah, me neither. I'm not fussed, like.

I want a nap after I've eaten, and I figured at an orgy

you'd keep getting woken up by people trying to fuck you.

What did you just say?

Sorry, make love to you.

Are they going to an orgy?

What's in that bag?

- Toiletries. - Right, I'll leave that. Thanks, then.

Shredder, darling, a quick word.

- Am I in trouble? - Yes.

That's not what internal memos are for, you know, shredder.

Yeah, I mean, I realise that now.

We're not running some kind of dating service.

No. It's not really dating. It's more kind of anonymous humping, really.

That's not much better, is it?

- No. - No.

- Out of interest, had there been many replies? - No.

Good. Good, I'm pleased about that.

I really wanted to test the moral fibre of our workforce for a...

- Stop it! - Sorry.

- Are you going to fire me? - I haven't decided yet.

- What was that? - Nothing.

-It's nothing. I panicked. - Just get out.

- Oh, and shredder? - Yes.

Don't ask anyone else to accompany you to an orgy.

- I won't. - There's no need,

-because I'll be going with you. - Yes.

- Sorry, you'll... - I'll meet you there at 9:00.

I have my own towel.

That'll be all, shredder.

Oh.

- Cob's the best bit. - Well, it isn't.

- What's this grey stuff? - That's just general grey.

Where in Rome sells general grey?

The grey's actually pretty good.

Hmm, it's meaty, but it's also sort of moussey.

It's a meat mousse.

Hmm, think I'll leave it. Wait 'til the buffet.

Are you good to go on that, then? You've conquered Briton?

I'm telling her in stages. Today, I invited her to a party.

Tomorrow, I'll fill her in on the theme.

Oh, yeah. No need, actually.

- Why? - I saw her slave at the bins.

She's probably filled in by now.

- Oh, you total dickhead! - I didn't know about the stages.

Hang on, is this from the bins?

Which one are you more angry about?

(SPITS) Oh, what's the point of you, Grumio? I should bloody sell you.

No one'll buy me.

This is what you drive me to. Do you understand?

I'm, not bothered, I completed it.

She might not mind.

Of course she'll mind. What the hell am I gonna tell her?

(DOOR SLAMS)

You done with your grey?

I think I'm gonna press on, actually.

You forgot it was an orgy?

I forgot to mention it was an orgy.

And when would you have remembered? When we got there?

When we were surrounded by thrusting dicks?

Before that, probably.

Well, she'd have worked it out otherwise.

Stay out of it, please, mate.

Look, orgies are just, you know, a traditional Roman pastime.

So why aren't they in the city guide?

The city guide is just the tourist stuff, you know.

This is what the locals do.

- What, local perverts? - No, local normal people.

I bought a new dress for a naked party!

Well, you can wear it on the way over there.

Look, I know it seems a bit edgy, and you're obviously quite sheltered, and...

Pardon me, I'm not sheltered.

Well, you've never been in a crowd before.

This is modern city living, okay, and if you can't handle it,

maybe you should get back in your mud hut in soggy Briton.

It's pronounced Britain.

Thought you might lend them some milk, not invite them to a bloody orgy.

All right, Landlord. You heard that, then?

Which orgy is it, out of interest?

Er, the followers of flesh...

Oh, the flesh followers! Bloody hell!

- Why, what's wrong with it? - No, it's whatever you're into, mate.

But I'm not into anything.

Yeah, it's just it's not entry level. That one's more for specialists.

What are specialists?

People who specialise.

Yeah, that makes sense.

- Oh, shouldn't have told them to go home. - No, you shouldn't.

Those two are a much higher calibre of tenant than my usual twats. No offence.

- None taken. - Right, see if I can't calm things down,

-smooth a few feathers. - Oh, that'd be great, thanks.

- Not part of my job description. - No, I know.

So I'll put another five on this week's rent.

Look after Juno, will you?

(GOAT BLEATS)

- What does "not entry level" mean? - I dunno. I guess it's kinky.

Yeah, but kinky how? Is it more stroking and massaging

or, you know, punching and smearing?

Hmm. Now, that sounds great. Wish I could come.

I'm not sure I could handle the competition.

Oh, trust me, mate, if I was there I would clean up.

- Oh, what, fluids? - No, women.

- With a little mop and bucket. - That's very considerate of you.

- Oh, very funny. - No, I'm saying I could bang everyone.

Oh, good for you, water boy. Aim high!

Thank you, water man.

- Night, all. - I finished those copies that you asked for.

- Oh, bravo, pass them to shredder. - What? Why?

Because the meeting's been moved to their place, so they're sorting the copies.

- Night-night. -(WHIMPERS)

Ooh, shredder, are you shaved?

Am I...

Oh, I... can be.

If you would.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

You're taking her to the orgy, aren't you?

In many ways, she's taking me.

- Oh, you idiot. - What?

You could literally shag us out of a job.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) More likely to get a bonus, if anything. Yow!

Okay. Look at me. Answer me honestly.

Are you actually any good at sex?

I know you talk a good game, but are you actually any good at it?

- I think so. - You think?

- What's the feedback been like? - Well, I've never had any complaints.

Well, how about compliments?

Well, no, when do people do that? Like, straight after?

No, further down the line.

Well,

once is enough usually.

Well, that's bad then, isn't it? People are voting with their feet.

Or they've had the best, so...

So what? They retire from sex,

'cause it can't possibly get any better than sex with Stylax, can it?

Hi. I've come to say sorry.

Okay, thanks.

Not to you, though.

I'll pass it on.

Okay. Uh, can you tell Cynthia

that I regret deceiving her and being rude about her country, also your country,

and if she can forgive me

I'd like to take her for a drink that definitely won't end in group sex.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Yeah, don't mention the sex, actually. Go up to the drink.

- In fact, can I just tell her? - Nope.

Because, whoa, sorry, with respect,

I'm not sure you're going to convey the right emotions when you do it, so can I?

She's out.

- When's she back? - Dunno. I think she's gone to an orgy.

(CHUCKLES) That's very funny.

Well, some cretin told her that she was too sheltered.

Ah, go on, be a mate.

This is appalling. I've argued her into an orgy.

I don't want to shave your balls.

Yeah, but I can't get the right angle myself.

Okay, I'll do it, if I don't have to look at them.

No, that's... No, I can't risk that.

Maybe let's just forget it. Let's just have a lads night in, yeah?

What? You can't pull out now, this was your idea.

I need to be there to stop Cynthia from sleeping with another man.

- Another men? - Exactly, another men.

These people are specialists.

Yeah, but we don't know what that means.

It means I've got to keep them off her, like a human shield.

And how were you gonna do that?

Slide in?

No, I mean you need a female guest.

Oh, fuck pigs!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay, I've got an idea, and I'll be honest, Grumio, you won't like it.

However, bear in mind there will be a free buffet in it for you.

- Don't think so. - Why not?

Because that's clearly a man.

Yeah, fair point. Thing is, we're not even really here for the sex.

- What are you here for, then? - The buffet.

Then go to a buffet.

We do like to be around sex while we eat, though.

There he is!

All spick and span, I hope, shredder.

Like a baby's bottom.

- And Marcus, too? - Hello.

This is practically an office night out. And is this your partner?

No. No. That's...

There's no explanation for what that is.

Shredder, this is my husband, Crassus.

Oh, your husband.

I thought we were...

Or are we?

- Or even? - This is his goon, Lucinda.

Goon? What's the... Am I a goon? Am I your goon?

One of the goons is chosen for the cage game.

The what?

It's just a game, a fun little game, in a cage.

- I like games. - There you are, then.

Less keen on cages.

Would you stamp my loyalty card, please, darling?

She's got a fucking loyalty card.

- At least she's loyal. - Yeah, loyal to orgies, Grumio.

That's sort of the opposite of loyal.

And now he's putting a bag on his head.

Don't panic. I'll try to find a girl and meet you in there.

Shredder! Come along.

These people are specialists!

Orgy!

Do you want to go to an orgy with him? No? Orgy, anyone?

Stop it, Grumio. We'll just get arrested.

Do you think Cynthia's already in there?

It's hard to tell from the outside.

Hmm.

Maybe she's not actually going.

Metella was probably winding me up.

Who would she go with, anyway? She only knows us.

And the landlord.

Yeah, exactly, and she's hardly going to go to an orgy with the landlord, so...

Okay, that's them there. That's clearly what she's done.

Oh, shithouse!

You all right?

Well, we're broke, the girl I fancy is at an orgy with the landlord,

our best friend's being molested in a cage,

and my slave's pissing on my foot.

Least we're in Rome, though.

(MOANING AND GIGGLING)

No, thank you.

ALL: Cage game, cage game, cage game, cage game, cage game...

(MAN GROWLING)

Okay! I don't like the cage game!