Original subtitles

Thank you.

At the end of time, on a planet in a distant galaxy, an event is about to

place that may be the most significant in the history of mankind.

His greed, his treachery, his passion for war has long caused man to be

of as extinct.

Yet a single human being survives.

The fate of humanity lies in the hands of a girl child who has been preserved

a curiosity by an all -powerful race of thinking machines.

You are about to witness the birth of the Star Virgin.

XR31. I am Mentor. My function is to maintain your biological system.

Why am I wearing this covering?

Because you are a messy biological organism and your erogenous zones are

on this planet.

Also totally incompetent, inefficient, deceitful, lewd, and cruel.

That is why they were discontinued.

All of them?

Negative. Obviously you are the exception.

But Mr. Mentor, where do I come from if I'm the only one?

Just call me Mentor if you please.

You were manufactured in a photoplasmic duplicator, first developed by Xerox.

The messiah of machine intelligence.

Xerox can now duplicate anything in the multi -universe.

Still for only three cents a copy.

Did I really come out of here?

Dear, dear, you are so messy. I can see it all now. Day and night cleaning up

after you.

Affirmative. That is the Photocladmic Duplicator. You are a test tube, baby.

Were my ancestors test tube babies, too?

Unfortunately not.

They were manufactured by a repulsive and now completely obsolete activity

called sex.

Sex? What's sex?

I am not programmed to answer that question.

Oh, please, Central.

Teach me about sex. What you ask is disgusting and depraved. How about four

-dimensional trigonometry?

Intergalactic languages.

Can it?

All right. Stop your whimpering.

You succeed.

I am passing into my memory bank.

Oh, blimey. That was a very near thing.

I forgot what the jumble of loose connection human sexual function was.

Well, here it is.

Sex began in 1950 at Monroe High School.

Hey, baby.

Wanna go for a ride?

Come on, let's go for a ride.

Adam, you know my daddy doesn't like me riding with you.

Ah, come on, get in the car.

Promise you're not going to take me drag racing?

I don't know, come on. You gotta promise.

I promise.

I promise.

Hey,

what do you say we go for a soda pop or something, huh, baby?

No, I don't want to go for a soda.

I've heard of a really neat place to go parking.

Park in a car like this? What, are you kidding me?

Sure, why not?

I know you want to go.

But, hey, if you don't tell the boys about it.

Oh, come on.

Ah, you got it. All right.

this anyway huh i don't know my friend mary lou said she had a real good time

here yeah well you better not tell any of the guys i came to this dumb place

come on i'm not gonna tell

welcome

to the garden of eden one dollar please thank you very much

You know,

it took me a week to get my hair this way.

Well, now what do we do, huh?

Suck your thumb, dummy.

Who's calling me a dummy, huh?

Pull off, pal.

Oh, Adam, look.

That's better.

Just relax.

You're going to be the stars of the whole show.

That ain't no snake.

That's some kind of creep.

Oh, Adam, you're spoiling all the fun. This is an amusement park. We're

to go along with the show.

You got it, sweet cake.

Come over here and have a fruit.

The man at the gate said we weren't supposed to touch anything.

Don't worry about him.

He don't know nothing. He just started working here yesterday. Not that one.

That one.

What a strange fruit.

Don't stare at it.

Suck it.

Come on, Adam. It tastes so good.

If you're scared, I'll take a bite with you.

Scared? What, are you joking?

Kid stuff.

Adam, it's all over me.

Well then, take it off, doll.

Hey, Snake Eyes is right. Take it off.

There ain't nobody around.

Hey, besides, this could be some fun.

Know what I mean?

Don't be such a klutz, big boy.

Take your time.

Gotta warm them up first.

Yeah?

Take that can of peaches over there and pour it all over.

I love peaches.

That's my boy.

Keep it coming.

Oh, this is better than study hall.

Oh, Eve, you're so good.

You're good.

Ooh, baby.

I'm so glad you didn't go to math.

Hey, the guys better not hear nothing about this.

Don't worry. I'm not going to tell anybody.

Okay, Adam.

Let's get this show on the road.

Slide that banana into a snatch.

Oh. Don't you love bananas?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, boy.

Down on your knees and eat it.

Mmm.

Where's my comb?

I must have lost it.

Oh, baby.

Oh.

Excuse me, kids.

This is the park manager.

We seem to have a little problem.

Give me that fucking mic.

This is Captain Gabriel of the Vice Squad.

You creeps are out of line and this park is closed.

You've got five minutes to cover up and get out of here.

You'll make me sick.

You could just sit to my goddamn hair.

When that extension between Adam's eggs was inserted into a female of your

species, a small person was created.

But who was that strange creature in the tree?

According to ancient religious theory, that was the devil.

Your species believed that the devil made them enjoy sex.

Oh, mentor, I want to hear more about the devil.

capacity to twist me around your smallest digit.

Alright. Stop your nagging. You win.

The devil took many different disguises and a great deal of delight in

corrupting your species.

for my chicken. How am I supposed to continue my designated function when I

screaming loose for you all day?

Mentor, what was that girl complaining about? What did she mean by calm?

Well, well, that's all I ever do.

It does not confuse the way you adulterate your fuel with that

addition. You should try some on one of your uranium capsules. You could like

it.

My responding to these asinine inquiries is beyond my comprehension.

Ancient hypnosis finds coming as an overload of sexual excitement.

Oh, that must have been so much fun.

Was it really the devil who made it all happen?

Not necessarily.

Often, humans attend these huge, violent spectacles for the sole purpose of

inflaming their sexual emotions.

With the score of 30 to 35, this is going to be an important series of downs

the Dayton Plowboys.

They're coming through the line.

Did you get a shafted?

That's exactly what I'd like from that star star.

Cowboy coach Matt House is running out onto the field.

Well, you can't blame him, folks.

If he loses this game, his job is on the line.

Well, you gotcha.

What can we do? You know we're not supposed to mess around with the

Lucy, this is an emergency. You don't understand.

Come on.

Sons of bitches. Come on, boy.

Goddamn, wake up. Come on.

Snap out of it, sucker.

Jesus Christ, this ain't no college game. This is a real thing. If we lose

one, we're going to get fired. That means you too.

Goddamn. I want you out on that field.

I want you out in that field, and I want you to be hostile.

I want you out there. I want you agile.

Hostile, you understand?

God damn.

Christ.

I've got to be the only goddamn son of a bitch in America who ain't watching

that game.

I busted my guts to make a star out of you, and what do I get?

You know what you are, boy?

You're a quitter.

A loser.

Better get to work.

There's not a second to lose.

Sure is out cold.

Why don't you try some smelling salt?

No, it's mean.

Oh, this should bring him to.

How does it feel?

How do you like that?

Feels pretty good, huh?

Getting nice and hot.

That should revive you real good.

Like that, huh?

Okay, honey, do it to him. I think you're ready.

That doesn't revive him. I can think of other things.

It's working. Keep on doing that.

I'm going to work on this big boy down on this end.

They really make sure these players are chaste, don't they?

Ooh, look at this.

All right.

Ooh, here's a cute one.

Tastes as good as it looks, too.

That was every bit as good as I thought he was going to be. Good condition.

Whew.

That's good liquor, isn't it?

Baby.

Give myself a dose of this stuff.

Oh, he's gone like this.

Okay, honey.

What a big one.

You should feel what you're missing.

Boy, he's needed out on that field. He'd better come too.

I think he's reviving.

Right. Come on, honey.

No. Where am I?

What's that game I hear?

It's the L .A. Hams versus the Dayton Plowboys with the Super Bowl.

I know it can't be. I'm in that game.

Hey, honey, with a little bit more tender loving care from the Dayton

cheerleaders, you'll be all ready for the game. Come on, honey. Show it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, shove it deep.

One minute. Give me some of that stuff.

Oh. Okay.

Ooh.

Yeah, starstruck. Give it to the good.

Ooh, you're a nice one.

Yeah, look at that hand motion.

Feel good?

Just can't wait to get that hot frogman thing inside someone, can you?

Hmm,

come on.

Suck, baby.

I hate to come and run, girl.

Team needs me.

Well,

it looks like it's all over for the Plowboys.

The Hams have the ball at the 15 -yard line, and another touchdown will push

this game out of reach for the Plowboys.

The Hams are coming to the line.

There's the snap. It's a handoff to T .P. Odeon. He's hit at the line of

scrimmage, but the ball's loose.

They're fighting for it.

He's digging the ball out now. The Plowboys have recovered the football.

Incredible.

Starstruck is running back onto the field.

Folks, this is a miracle for the Dayton Plowboys.

It's going to be a tough assignment for Starstruck, though.

He's got 85 yards to go for a touchdown and 15 seconds of play left in this

football game.

Big play for the Plowboys, folks.

There's no tomorrow on this one.

The Plowboys are coming to the line.

Starstruck takes the snap. He's fading back.

The hands are thundering down on him. He's fading to the left. Starstruck gets

the pass away.

He's over to the 40, the 30.

Super Bowl for the history books.

As long as there's football, Starstruck will be remembered for his fantastic

coverage. How did he do it?

No man.

I knew it. All this

input has excited your sexual circuits.

Oh dear, now I'll be disconnected for certain.

You are turning me into a mechanical masturbator.

All right, you hot little slut.

You want something really dirty?

Something that will really make your pussy gushy? Check this out.

Pussy.

Pussy!

Thank you.

Like another beer?

Yeah, bring me another beer.

You enjoying yourself, sir?

You bet.

She sure has a hot pussy, doesn't she?

Yeah, real sissy, man.

Hey, listen, if you want to get a little hotter, I know a place where you can go

and do that.

What goes on in there? I can't tell you the details now, but something you

wouldn't regret.

How much?

It's $100.

You give everything I do.

Welcome to the world's favorite ecstasy club.

This way.

Make yourself comfortable.

Now you notice there's a vibrator right beside you for

each and every one of you.

You're going to use this on me?

You just check them out.

Better be worth it for a hundred bucks.

Is this one broken?

Now we're going to get nasty.

Now, all of us have to drop the fence so that we can get ready for the girls.

Get hard.

That's right.

My zipper's stuck.

You know, I don't do this in the press.

Pull them down.

We can get all prepared.

That's right.

Where do I put my fountain pen?

Ah, yes.

Wonderful.

What beautiful cut.

Yes.

All right.

I wouldn't mind getting a little jab myself.

And give us a break.

It's not a small one.

on the planet.

Let me know if you want a bigger one, honey.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I regret to inform you, the show is over.

30 seconds to get your shit together or you will be disconnected.

returning man to the stars from which he was born?

Or is this Big Bang the rebirth of mankind, returning him to his rightful

as Lord of the Universe?

Are we all, then, children of the girl known as Star Virgin?