Original subtitles

You know, Blackie, I don't know. All I know is I'm about one step away from

porching this place to cinders.

Hey, you know, boss, I know business is slow and everything, but going into the

charcoal briquette business ain't gonna solve nothing.

Blackie, look around.

What the hell do you see, huh?

Well, uh, you know, I've always wanted to fuck Dottie there, the bartender.

Aside from that, what do you see?

I see a lot of empty chairs, a lot of overhead.

Exactly my point. I mean, hell, I even got my old lady working just to make

meet. So I heard.

I heard she's a great palmist, or she gives great palm. Hey, she's a palmist.

Eleanor is a palmist, all right? You get that through your thick head, all

right, Blackie?

Hey, boss, she's a palmist.

You're going to meet a tall, dark stranger.

Actually, I already have, but it was more of a money transaction.

Oh, really?

Well, tell me about it.

Well, it was kind of simple, really. He just told me to reach, and I handed him

my wallet.

Let me see your palm.

I must have missed that.

Ah, I see.

New opportunities are ripe.

That's good, because the old opportunities are rotten.

You poor man.

I lost my job.

Robbed at gunpoint, and you lost your job?

Yeah, I was a cul -de -sac designer.

Well, that's interesting.

No, it's kind of a dead -end job.

That's unfortunate.

What, the joke?

Actually, speaking of dead -ends, I'd really like to find out more about my

life.

That's inappropriate.

What do you mean?

Well, from the looks of things, I see that you spend a lot of time in the

reading men's magazines.

And I'd do anything to change that situation.

I mean, I want to be a doer, not a reader. I want to be an achiever. I want

go out and find and meet that girl next door.

Mr. Archer, let me give you some advice since obviously you don't have a clue.

Look around you.

The chances of finding the girl next door in this dump are about as good as

finding a princess on a porno set.

What's my alternative?

Suicide.

Or a mercy fuck.

Do you read that in my poems?

No. That's an excerpt.

Ah.

Mercy fuck?

Mm -hmm. Or suicide?

Mercy fuck, suicide.

Maybe I can help you decide.

Ah. Ah.

At least you're fine.

Well, you know, the women in this town, they ain't stupid.

They know this place has a bad reputation.

Why? Because we haven't changed the bar from the porn studio it used to be?

Come on, how narrow -minded can they be about fucking?

They stay away because, you know, they think we're going to take their clothes

off.

Gee, I wonder why.

Holy shit, get a look at them yams.

Check out the outfit there.

Straight out of Kansas.

I'm not using such bright talk around this place.

Can you help me find this gentleman?

Movie producer, huh?

Yeah, he wanted me to get a hold of him when I got into town.

Well, you got the right town, but the wrong state.

Please don't tell me that. I'm flat busted and broke with no money to get

to Indiana.

Yo, Toro.

Yo, Toro.

What do you want me to tell you, Toots, that you're going to come here and be a

big Hollywood star, act one in a screenplay? It just don't happen like

Excuse me, Aunt Dottie, can I be of some assistance?

Oh, sorry. We've got another one of those dames with bright lights and big

dreams clogging her noggin.

How you doing?

I'm Thursby, owner of this establishment.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, Mr. Thursby, I'm a long way from home. I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm

hungry.

And let me guess, you're from Kansas, too, huh?

Indiana, actually.

Just as bad, missy, just as bad.

The name's Jinx. Jinx Cunningham.

Well,

in that case, welcome to the town too tough to die, Jinx Cunningham.

Is that Gary, Indiana?

No.

But if I was a Benton man, which I am, I'd bet you were from the sticks.

Why do you say the sticks?

Easy, your boots.

What's wrong with my boots?

Well, they don't exactly scream big city now, do they, Jinx? Come on.

Hey, Blackie, why don't you go get Jinx some brandy or something?

Where, boss?

Where do you think we keep liquor in the bar?

Move it. Okay, boss. Move it, move it.

Now, where was I?

Why don't you, uh...

Put your foot right here on my lap. Why?

Don't worry, I'll tell you why. I'll show you. Just put your foot here on my

lap.

See?

Cowboy boots.

These are indigenous to Kansas and the Midwest.

And those damn little horse jeans, whatever.

It's Indiana.

Oh, no.

I'm home.

Cool.

What do you want?

Sorry to bother you, boss, but you know who is coming you know where.

Another one of your bimbos, Miles?

Of course not, Eleanor.

This young lady was just asking for directions to Kansas.

Indiana.

Kansas? Indiana?

I wish you'd get your story straight, Miles.

Look, I'm not fucking your husband.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

But be that as it may, Miles, this is Mr.

Archer.

Pleased to meet you, dear. Mr.

Archer's out of a job, Miles.

Well, you know, times is tough.

You said you'd help me get the girl of my dreams.

Shut up.

I want you to put him on the payroll, darling.

Now, sweetheart, hiring him is what?

You promised, and I want her.

I said shut up.

Be creative, darling.

It may keep you out of divorce court.

Hi, my name's Archie.

Archie like the comic strip?

I'm sorry, Mr. Thursby. I had no idea that this would happen.

Yeah, yeah, I gotcha.

Question is, now, what the hell am I going to do with you?

You know, maybe I should put him on the car trunk detail.

Shut up.

You know, boss, this is so beautiful I could cry.

Well, hold your tears until after Bubbles' performance, please.

She won't let you down, boss. Yeah, well, she better not.

Bubbles! Hey, we're ready. You're close up there.

I swear to God, Blackie, I'm going to murder you for this one.

Hey, it's okay, baby. It's okay. You look fabulous.

We're going to make this.

Eleanor!

I don't know how I let you talk me into this.

Oh, it's pretty easy, baby.

You know, in divorce court, half of nothing, nothing.

But see, this movie is going to make us a shit pop.

Where's our extras?

Oh, kids!

Get these people on today. All right, there you are.

Now, basically, it's pretty easy. This is what's going to happen here. You guys

are going to need some bystanders, all right? You're going to be all

dumbstricken when Eleanor and Bubbles here discover the joy of lesbian love.

Where do they discover that, Mr. Thursby?

On the couch like everybody else.

All right, come on. Places, everyone. Let's go.

Where do we stand, Mr. Thursby?

I don't know. Go stand up in a corner and do what you do, okay? Go.

All right.

Everyone ready?

Places and action.

Roll them.

You said roll them.

I mean, yeah.

I said roll them, not roll them, you asshole.

All right, boy. Get out of here. Get off my set, okay?

Obviously, we got some more rehearsing to do.

Please continue.

All right.

It's just Anne.

What I meant to say was... Shh.

We're supposed to be stand -on lickers, don't you remember?

Yeah.

You know, I had to send Bubbles home early, but I just had to tell you, you

fucking terrific.

Thanks, honey.

Now get out of here.

Hey, boss, we got a problem.

Actually, we got two problems.

One now, Blackie.

You see the guy, the male talent guy, you know, he can't make it because he's

got, like, hives on his balls or something.

So that leaves, um... Guess what?

Sorry for my friend. You get to do the scene.

Hey, wait, no. Hey, yo, yo, hey, yo, boss.

I can't do that.

Tell me why.

Well, you know, because it's like Connie's scene, you know, and she won't

me in front of the camera because, you know, unless she gets royalties and, you

know, boxes. No, no, no, no. Fuck that.

Huh. Well, what about the Archie Jughead guy?

No, no, forget him. What's the other problem?

Well, you see the girl, the other girl didn't show up because...

It's something about being a vampire and can't be out in the daytime.

So what does that leave us with?

Well, there's jinx.

You know,

pretty good, you know, goody -two -shoes blonde taking her clothes off. I'd like

to see that.

I'm ready for my scene, Blackie.

That wasn't in the script. That wasn't in the script.

You get out. You get out of here. Yo, Jughead, take a hike, okay? That wasn't

the script. You get trunk detail, man. All right, ladies.

Not too much explaining to do here. You two know what to do. I'm going to be up

in the booth and have fun.

Oh, we will.

I'm going to get out.

Thank you.

Oh yeah!

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mr. Thursby was kind enough to get me a bus ticket back to Indiana.

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is to Kansas.

Oh, no. What do I do now?

It's fake.

See, Jinx?

It's your birthday.

It's written in the palm of my hand.

It's funny. All I smell is palm oil.

I'm just a hopeless romantic.

Hopeless is the word.

I'm just a hopeless romantic, Jinx.

I want to settle down and raise a family.

Hear the sounds of little feet pitter -pattering around.

Boy, are you in the wrong video.

What do you say, Jinx?

You and me, a house with a white picket fence?

You're better off with a pink pickled pecker. A puckled picker?

A speckled packer?

Why don't you two demonstrate?

Oh my God.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ouch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

So good.

I did find my princess in a porn studio.

The girl next door.

And I'm about to ask her to be my bride.

R .C., what time is it?

10 .45.

I've got a bus to catch.

But... You've been really sweet.

But... By the way, I was reading your palm when we were having sex.

Yeah? You're doomed to die a miserable, loveless failure.

But don't take it personally.