Original subtitles

Everything starts somewhere...

...although many physicists disagree.

There is the the constant desire to find out where.

Where is the point where it all began?

But much, much later than that,

the Discworld was formed...

...drifting onwards through space

atop four elephants

on the shell of a giant turtle,

the great A'Tuin.

It was some time after its creation

when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning

are, sooner or later, about blood.

At least, that's one theory.

The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis.

"Things just happen. What the hell?"

And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork,

the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork,

the biggest city in Discworld,

a city where magic is just another job,

and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards

looms over all the dark, narrow streets.

Our story begins on a midwinter festival

bearing a remarkable similarity to your Christmas.

And so.... it was the night before Hogswatch.

"And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk,

adding murder and ecological terrorism

to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned,

and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more."

"But he got away with it and lived happily ever after

without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done.

which proves that you can be excused just about anything

if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions."

And now, it's time for bed.

- Susan? - Yes?

You know last week when we wrote letters to the Hogfather?

- Yes? - Well, will he really come?

And when's he coming here?

Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?

Yes.

Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather,

- there won't be any presents. - Thought so.

But while children everywhere sleep fitfully

in the belief that a jolly fat man is about to deliver their presents...

...not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit,

especially in a city where there is a guild

for everything.

The doors are locked. The windows are barred.

The dog does not appear to have woken up.

The squeaky floorboards haven't.

I really doubt that you are a ghost,

and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely.

You could, of course, be Death,

but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties.

Besides, I'm feeling quite well.

Hmm...

Good evening.

Good evening, Lord Downey.

You appear to be.. a spectre.

Our nature is not a matter for discussion.

We offer you a commission.

You wish someone inhumed?

Brought to an end.

- Our scale of fees... - The payment will be $3 million.

- No questions asked, I assume. - No questions answered.

But does the suggested fee represent the difficulty involved?

The client is heavily guarded?

Not guarded at all,

but almost certainly impossible to delete with conventional weapons.

We like to know for whom we are working.

We are sure you do.

We need to know your name, or names,

in strict client confidentiality, of course.

You may think of us as... the Auditors.

Really? What do you audit?

Everything.

We maintain the logical order of the universe.

I think we need to know a little more than that.

We are the people with $3 million.

We need to know where, when, and, of course, who.

The location is not on any map and we need the task to be completed

by sunrise tomorrow. This is essential.

As for the who,

let us call him... the Fat Man.

But won't he be out on his rounds?

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Is this a joke?

We have no sense of humour.

There are some that say that this... person does not exist.

He must exist!

How else could you so readily recognise his picture?

And many are in correspondence with him.

He would be difficult to find.

You will find persons on any street

who can tell you his approximate address.

Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference.

Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed?

A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?

You misunderstand the nature of employment.

How do I misunderstand you exactly?

We pay, you find the ways and means.

- How can I contact you? - We will contact you.

We know where you are. We know... where everyone is.

- Winvoe? - Yes, sir?

Is Mr Teatime still in the building?

Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter!

Up, Tusker. Up, Snouter!

Giddy up!

Wahey!

Go away. I don't do that stuff any more.

Yes, Twyla?

I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan.

- It's going to eat me up. - What, again?

Ye gods, there's a girl out here with a poker!

What are you doing?

Twyla said she's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs Gaiter.

And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh?

Yes.

- Susan's our governess. - She beats up monsters with a poker?

Actually, that's a very clever idea. My daughter gets it into her head

there's a monster in the cellar, you go in with a poker

and make bashing noises while the child listens,

- and everything's alright. - Is that what you're doing, Susan?

Yes, Mrs Gaiter.

This I've got to watch.

It's not every day you see monsters beaten up by a girl.

Come on.

Come in, Mr Teatime.

Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you?

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'll go and fetch another cup directly, sir.

- What? - For your visitor, sir.

What visitor?

Oh, for when Mr Tea...

Mr Teatime?

It's pronounced... Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir.

Everyone gets it wrong, sir.

How did you get in here?

Easily. I got mildly... scorched on the last few feet, of course.

The dog seems to like you.

I get on well with... animals, sir.

I have a report...

...here that says that you nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.

I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.

- Some people would have drugged it. - Oh.

But I definitely fulfilled the contract.

I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.

Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.

That was alright, wasn't it, sir?

It, erm...

...lacked elegance.

I thank you, sir!

I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.

It was about the next time that I wished to talk.

As a matter of interest,

how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?

You don't have to worry. She always wins.

Very well done.

Very p-sychological. Clever idea, that, bending the poker.

I expect you're not afraid any more, eh, my girl?

No.

No. Very p-sychological.

Susan says, "Don't get afraid. Get angry."

Oh, well, er, thank you, Susan.

And now, if you'd all like to come back into the parlour...

I mean, the drawing room...

Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that!

- Have they all gone, Twyla? - Yes, Susan.

Good.

Mind the tail!

That's what we do to monsters.

Now it's back to bed for you, my girl.

Difficult, sir.

Certainly.

But I have devoted some... time to it, sir.

You mean you've actually sat down and thought out

how to inhume the Hogfather?

Why, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.

And Death, sir.

They're imaginary creatures.

Makes it a challenge.

I suppose I just see things differently from other people.

We may be able to see the complaint of Sir George's estate against you

with regard to his dog rather differently,

and approve your graduation to full membership of the Guild.

Take the dark, sir?

Wear black, sir?

If you agree to undertake... this contract.

With due elegance, of course.

With elegance guaranteed, sir.

Er, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?

You have... actually applied yourself to a study

of ways of killing Death?

Only as a hobby, sir.

But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.

Everyone has their weak points, sir.

It's gone six. He's not coming.

- Let's go. - Sit down, will you?

Assassins are always fashionably late,

because of style, right?

What's this? You never said anything about him being an assassin.

It's Teatime. He's paying top rate. We can wait for top rate.

Teatime?

I've heard he's... mental.

And he's got a funny eye.

What I don't understand is... how long has this place had waiters?

Good evening.

Do have another drink

while we wait for the other members of our little... troop.

Susan, there's a monster under my bed again.

Oh! Ow!

Ow!

That's a wizard.

No, I'm not. I'm incognito.

Yeah, right.

You're just someone in a pointy hat.

Mr Sideney here is indeed a wizard. A student, anyway.

This is my brother Banjo. This is Chickenwire.

I didn't want to come!

Mr Sideney's down on his luck at the moment.

Hence his willingness to join our little venture.

So what's the job?

We don't do jobs. We perform services.

And the service will earn each of you $10,000.

No one said anything about there being magic in all of this.

Well, I...

Do the voice on it!

- Do the voice on it! - No!

- Not the voice! - Hit it on the head with a poker.

- Not the poker! - This is the friendly warning.

Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.

What are you, a witch or something?

I'm just... something.

Now, you won't be around here again, will you?

Or we'll put your head under the blanket.

It's got fluffy bunnies on it.

Fluffy bunnies... No!

Go away and stop bothering me.

That wasn't as much fun as the one last month,

You know, the one when you kicked him in the trousers.

Just go to sleep now.

- Locks. - We have a locksmith.

- Who? - Mr Brown.

And you can help me carry this.

It's rather heavy.

What is this?

This is my brother Banjo.

Does it do tricks?

No.

He can lift two men up in each hand, by their necks.

Yeah.

He looks like a volcano.

Really?

Wanna be fashionably late, do you?

I do so hope we're gonna be friends, Mr Medium Dave.

It really hurts to think I might not be among... friends.

And I suppose we might as well make a start.

Hello! My name's Violet,

and I have been your tooth fairy for this evening.

Here, there ain't nothing valuable, you know.

Nothing valuable, only a few bags of t-t-t-t...

Teeth? I know.

My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh. What's your name, sir?

Ernie. Yes, Ernie.

Come along, gentlemen.

This is my friend Ernie.

He's gonna be our driver for tonight.

Put her in the back, Banjo.

Mister, I ain't rightly allowed to carry passengers, ya know.

Charlie'd give me a right telling off.

Oh, don't you worry about that. We're all friends here.

Our mam said no hitting girls.

Only bad boys do that, our mam said.

Shut it!

Ssh! Ernie here doesn't want to listen to our troubles.

Wh-Wh-Where to, mister?

You know the way, Ernie. Behind the Unseen University.

Where the students of magic are still hard at work

on the night before Hogswatch.

It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding, Busar.

You want radiation shielding, Mr Stibbons?

Advice from Hex, Bursar. As the university won't supply us students

with a thaumic particle accelerator, we've started to build our own.

Safety first and all that!

Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?

I need some urgent advice!

Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

- Er... Hmm... - Lecturer in Recent Runes?

Well, you see, it all depends...

I don't know...

In my day, when I was an undergraduate,

I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch Night.

It's just not natural. I'd have been sick twice by now.

Bursar?

- Bursar? - Hello, Mustrum.

- Dean? Oh, there you are. - Archchancellor?

Members of the faculty, I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself,

to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom.

So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas.

It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.

'Ere, I can't take you lot through the wall!

Listen, Ernie.

Ern. You will take us through,

or, and I say this with very considerable regret,

I'll have to kill you.

- If I take you through the wall... - What's the worst that can happen?

You'll lose your job.

Whereas if you don't, you'll die.

Really, Mustrum, I think this is most unwise.

It said in the plans there was a bathroom.

You chaps are all acting as if it was some kind of torture chamber.

A bathroom designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson!

The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor!

Yes!

Well, not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw.

I mean, think of that thing they use in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.

You mean that thing with the brass plate saying "improved manicure device"?

Well, it's only water.

Even old Johnson can't do much harm with water.

Go to it, lad.

- So? - Er...

Well, he just chucks it at the wall there

- and it goes "twing". - Really?

May I try?

Ain't that nice, our Davey?

Yeah.

And then you just drive forward.

Right. Quick, mind, cos it only stays open for a little while.

Thank you very much, Ernie,

very much indeed.

Wasn't he dull?

If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather,

why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?

The Tooth Fairy? Hah! Another childish belief.

- Exactly. - Very elegant.

- It is. - You have to start somewhere.

Once you have their little minds in your grip,

it's goodbye, Hogfather.

It's him!

- Could I give you a hand? - Oh, yeah!

Oh! Here, your fingers aren't half cold, mister.

Sorry.

What did he want to go and do that for, eh?

I did what he said! He could've killed me.

Yes.

I always keep a nip on me these cold nights.

- Keeps me spirits up. - Indeed.

How am I gonna explain all this, then, eh?

Sorry?

That was very rude of me. I wasn't paying attention.

What am I gonna tell people?

Letting some blokes ride off in me cart, neat as you like...

That's gonna be the sack for sure.

There, at least, I have some good news, Ernest.

And then again, I also have some bad news.

So... I'm dead, then.

Correct.

Now, tell me about these blokes who stole your cart...

...and killed you.

Honestly! Death gets worse and worse.

He seems to like humans.

So illogical!

But the beauty of the assassin's plan

is that he can't interfere.

But Death can go everywhere.

No.

Not... quite... everywhere.

Great job,

but you look a right tit wearing these helmets.

Hello.

My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.

What's yours?

Albert,

something is not right.

Too right.

This is the Mythological Persons room.

How can one of them die?

Soul Cake Duck.

The Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Albert!

We may not have much time.

Oh, is anybody there?

I don't know what you're expecting me to say, but...

Ssh.

Questions first.

Babble... later.

Now, Miss Bottler,

I'd like you to think of me... as a friend.

- How we doing, Mr Modo? - Tanks are filled

and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir.

You did read the sign on that door, Ridcully?

You mean the sign which said,

"Do not under any circumstances open this door"?

Surely it was sealed up for a reason.

Oh, he only wrote that to keep people out.

That's right. That's what people do.

- Don't say I didn't warn you. - Hygiene! That's the ticket.

I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead.

Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.

Man the pumps, Mr Modo,

or dwarf 'em, of course, in your case.

She's a tooth fairy, but she's not "the" Tooth Fairy.

Ssh.

Teeth...

What do you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?

It gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

You don't have to think. You just have to do what I said.

- All of 'em? - Every last one.

- Put 'em in a pile. - That's millions.

Mr Brown?

I want you to unlock every door you can find.

What's this really all about?

Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck?

The Sandman?

The Tooth Fairy?

Yeah.

Even the Hogfather.

Cos after we're finished here, not even he will.

Onwards, Binky, to the Hogfather's Castle of Bones!

The first Hogswatch off in a thousand years,

even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the mor...

And how can the Hogfather bring presents to everyone at the same time?

Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.

Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes?

- Yes... - Well, if you don't believe in him,

- he won't come down the chimney. - It's a very small chimney.

And a very small stocking, if you don't go to sleep.

Ah, yes. And, erm...

"Ho, ho, ho."

There's a tap in there marked Old Faithful...

...which I think perhaps we might leave alone for now.

This is... a most peculiar Hogswatch.

Any mustard? They're a treat with mustard.

Apple sauce.

I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial.

Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master.

In character, that sort of thing.

But going down the chimney... Where's the sense in that?

It's gotta be chimbleys, innit, eh? A bit like the beard, really.

Do you think these little buggers would be writing to someone

who can walk through walls if they knew?

Oh, and that reminds me.

The "ho, ho, ho" could do with some more work,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Ho, ho, ho?

No, no, no!

No, you've got to put a bit more life in it, sir.

Er, no offence intended.

You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir,

you know, like...

Ho, ho, ho!

Like that. See? You've got to sound like you're pissing brandy

and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,

if you'll pardon my Klatchian.

Really? How do you know all this?

Well, I used to be young myself once, sir,

surprising as it may seem.

- These teeth give me the creeps. - Just keep going!

- Why are we piling them all up? - You don't wanna know.

Quicker all the teeth are in a pile,

quick we're out of here with our money.

No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our mam died.

Tough but fair, your mam.

I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg.

Yeah.

Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and...

Yeah!

I keep thinking about that glass eye watching me.

I keep thinking it can see right in my head!

Don't worry. He doesn't know what you're thinking.

How do you know?

You're still alive.

These damned eyeballs are hard, aren't they?

They're walnuts, not eyeballs.

I don't want you back in my life. Understand?

Don't say you haven't been warned!

Warned?

Ah! Did you check the list?

Couldn't really make head nor tail of it, to tell you the truth.

I don't normally care if they've been naughty or nice.

I can feel belief in the Hogfather fading.

- What's that? - It looks very bad.

No, no. It's just where something's been nibbling it.

I mean the situation. I fear we may be too late.

Oh, well. Never say die, master.

That's our motto.

I can't say it's ever really been mine.

You'd better watch out.

Because if the Hogfather still comes to town

as result of a magical misjudgement on your part,

then, you will no longer be my friend, Mr Sideney.

I... understand, sir.

Do you have a lot of friends,

Mr Sideney?

Erm... quite a few, actually.

I don't have many.

Don't seem to have the knack.

On the other hand, I don't seem to have any enemies at all.

Well...

...it's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.

That is... very... simple...

...and will make the pile of teeth... very...

Mr Teatime!

... dangerous.

Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.

It's supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly...

and other things... ending in "olly".

It's a time when people are meant to feel good about things,

and eat until they explode,

a time when they want to see all their... relatives.

I mean, it's a time when humans are really human,

and they don't want a... a skeleton at the feast,

especially one, I might add, who's wearing a false beard

and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe! I mean, why?

Albert said it would help me get into the spirit of the thing.

This is a real job,

and I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch

where normal things happen with normal people

in a normal house,

and suddenly, the old circus comes to town.

Well, I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave right now.

Albert.

Buggery.

Master?

I'm stuck.

The pixie.

Oh, come along in, do. If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon,

there's not going to be enough room for him.

- Oh... - He won't be joining us.

So what have you turned up for? And if it's for business reasons,

I will add then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.

The Hogfather is... unavailable.

- At Hogswatch? - Yes.

Why?

He is...

Let me see.

There isn't an entirely appropriate human word,

so, let's settle for...

...gone.

Yes. He is gone.

How can the Hogfather be gone? He's.. Isn't he what you are? Anth...

Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.

He has become the spirit of Hogswatch.

And while he's gone, you've taken over. That's sick.

I see the girl writes in green crayon on pink paper

with a mouse in the corner.

The mouse is wearing a dress.

I ought to point out that she decided to do that

so that the Hogfather would think she was sweet,

including the deliberate bad spelling. But look, why are you doing...

She says she is five years old.

Seven. In cynicism, she's about 35. But why are you doing the...

But she believes in the Hogfather.

She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her.

But you're not going to leave without telling me...

And what are you doing here, Albert?

I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world.

Ah, but we are not in the world.

We are in the special congruent reality created for the Hogfather.

Normal rules have to be suspended.

How else could anyone get around the entire world in one night?

That's right. I'm one of the Hogfather's little helpers, me.

It's official.

I've got the little pointy green hat with the bell and everything.

Have you been good, have you?

Now we must be going.

Happy Hogswatch.

And, er... Oh, yes.

Ho, ho, ho.

Heh, heh. It's a nice drop of sherry, this.

You've actually been drinking the actual drink

little children leave for the actual Hogfather?

Well, yeah. Why not? He won't be drinking any more, will he?

Eh? Not where he's gone...

How many have you had, may I ask?

Hmm? Well, I dunno. I haven't been counting.

One million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six.

And sixty-eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies.

And one turnip.

Oh, yeah. Well... it looked pork-pie shaped.

But then, everything does after a while, doesn't it?

Why are you doing this?

I am sorry, I cannot tell you.

Forget you saw me. It's not your business.

Not my business? How can you say...

You wanted to be normal.

Good night, granddaughter.

Sleep tight.

I know I shall. Pardon.

There are a lot of doors. I hope this is the one.

This isn't the room we're looking for.

Just teeth in here.

Keep going, Mr Brown.

Boo!

Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know.

Oh, dear.

Especially after you told her not to.

You think so?

Oh, yes.

Dear me! I still have a lot to learn about humans, don't I?

Oh, I dunno.

Obviously it would be quite wrong to involve a human in all this.

That is why, you will recall,

I clearly forbade her to take an interest.

Yes, yes, you did.

- Besides, it's against the rules. - Yeah, well, of course, that's a shame, really,

because she likes to break 'em, doesn't she?

You might think I've already thought of that,

but I couldn't possibly comment.

Oh.

And we have much to do. We have the Hogfather's promises to keep.

Has he done something to the real Hogfather?

Binky.

Can she be eliminated?

Oh, yes. She's mostly human.

Oh, good.

Then, can we go back to just concentrating on running the universe,

making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin?

Yes, when there's not an atom of belief left in the world.

And the Hogfather is just the beginning.

What are you looking for, Mustrum?

My father always said,

when you see a lot of people bathing together,

the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack.

Modo!

Any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?

Welcome home, Susan. You took your time!

I don't do family reunions.

Sandman.

Soul Cake Duck.

Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Grandfather, what have you done?

This cushion is still uncomfortable.

You're doing well, master.

Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged sherries...

...sleigh tracks all over the roofs. No, no. It's got to work.

You think so?

Oh, yeah. Oh, here's a little tip, though.

"Ho, ho, ho," will do.

Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!"

Oh. Really?

So many chimneys...

It would be so much quicker if I lost the cushion.

Yeah, well I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,

the little perishers need to believe in you, master.

Er, I mean the Hogfather.

So you've got to look the part, master.

I tell you what'd be really good to boost belief

is a public appearance.

Oh, I don't normally do them.

Yeah, but the Hogfather's more of a public figure, master.

I tell you what, one good public appearance would do more good

than any amount of letting the kids see you by accident.

Really?

And I know just the place.

Thank you very much indeed.

Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?

- Yes, Mr Crumley. - Jolly good.

Let's go... sleigh them.

I don't know if you noticed, Albert,

but that was a pune,

- or play on words. - Ho, ho, ho, sir.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

You're frightening the little kiddies!

- Wow, they got tusks! Cool! - That one's doing a wee.

It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that have done this, isn't it?

They're out to ruin me! That's it!

I don't mind the smell of the oranges and the damp trousers,

but I ain't putting up with this!

And he's not even doing it right!

What's going on here, then? Eh?

Come on!

Who are you?

You can call me Uncle Heavy.

- You're not a pixie. - No, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!

Now, just ssh! Keep quiet!

And what do you want for Hogswatch, small human?

The autobiographies write down everything that happens to you

as it happens.

I know. I used to live here, remember?

But I can't read this. The letters are all... odd.

Oh, so I suppose now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom.

Ethereal runes. The Hogfather ain't human, after all.

Er, I suppose a bit of warm liver's out of the question?

~ On the second day of Hogswatch

~ I sent my true love back

~ A nasty little letter

~ And a partridge in a pear tree

What's your game? Small-time thief, are you?

You ain't supposed to be able to see me.

I'm a wizard! We can see things that are really there, you know.

Oh, what's in this bag?

You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.

Oh, will I? What are you doing here, young man?

Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?

Well, it's sort of like the same business.

- You take things away? - Not take away as such...

More sort of bring.

- Ah. Right, new teeth. - Like new verrucas.

Oh, you're him.

I saw your piggy do a wee.

Oh?

Well... good.

It had a great big...

- What do you want for Hogswatch? - She wants...

I want an army and a big castle

with an active drawbridge and a sword.

I think they're supposed to say thank you.

Are you sure? People don't normally.

No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you! Right?

- Sorry. - Yes, of course.

You're supposed to say thank you.

Thank you.

And be good. This is part of the arrangement.

- Yes. - Then, we have a contract.

- Ah, verrucas, eh? - Wish I knew why.

- Do you mean you don't know? - No!

Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome!

Why, how strange!

Anyway... amazing bathroom, isn't it?

It's even got a special pot for your toenail clippings.

- Special pot for your toenail clippings? - Well, you can't be too careful.

Get hold of something like somebody's nail clippings,

hair, teeth, you've got them under your control.

I mean, that's real old magic.

Children of the world,

prepare to think as you are told.

Mr Sideney?

Your big... no-misjudgements magic moment.

You can't give her that! It's not safe!

It's a sword. They're not meant to be safe.

- But she's a child! - It's educational.

What if she cuts herself?

That will be an important lesson.

Really?

Oh, well. It's not for me to argue, I suppose.

And she doesn't want all that other stuff. She's a girl!

And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that.

I thought I gave it away.

- You do? - You do?

You don't! That's our merchandise! You don't just give it away.

Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away.

I mean, yes, you do give things away,

but you have to buy them first.

You mean... this is all... free?

It... would seem... to be.

So, Mr Stibbons,

this thing's a great big artificial brain, then, eh?

You could think of it like that.

Of course, Hex doesn't actually think, not as such.

- It just appears to be thinking. - Amazing!

You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but really it's just a show?

- Er, yes. - Just like everyone else, then, eh?

Oh, I knew I came here for something.

Now, this little chappie

is the Verruca Gnome...

...who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatch Night,

being the most magical night of the year.

Last year's occult rubbish piling up...

I thought you chaps might like to check up on it.

The Verruca Gnome?

Well, it makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?

After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, isn't there?

Makes one wonder why there's a god of wine

and not a god of hangovers.

Anyone hear a noise just then?

Sorry, Archchancellor?

A sort of...

Like a lot of, er... tinkling bells?

I didn't hear anything like that, sir.

Oh. Well, where was I? Erm...

Oh yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.

I've never heard of me until tonight, and I am me!

Well, erm, we'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor.

Good man.

Amazing!

Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this.

None of this is right. Everyone knows he's just a jolly old fat man

who hands out presents to kids.

He wasn't always so jolly.

- You know how it is. - Do I?

Well, it's like, you know, industrial retraining.

Even gods have to move with the times.

You see, your Hogfather

was probably just your basic winter demiurge,

you know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up...

So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?

Hmm! Well, it starts off with animal sacrifice,

You know, hunt some big, hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff,

very folkloric, very... mythic.

Didn't stop at animals, neither.

They had sacred kings, the strongest and the best,

died at the dark time of year to give life to the unconquered sun.

And in a way, the Hogfather was all of 'em.

- And then? - Then some bright spark thought,

"Aye, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway,

so how come we're giving those Druids all this free grub?"

The world moves on, and he's gotta find a new job.

So he started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up?

Exactimundo.

And now he gives out presents.

Top of the evenin', squire.

I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch, and this is Constable Visit, sir.

I want you to arrest him!

- Arrest who, sir? - The Hogfather!

What for, sir?

He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his... grotto...

...giving away presents!

Not quite up to speed here, sir.

I thought the Hogfather was supposed to give away stuff, isn't he?

But this one's... an impostor!

You know, I always thought that.

I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks sitting in a wooden grotto

in some shop in Ankh-Morpork, very busy time, too. Nice life, eh?

He's not the Hogfather we usually have!

You mean a different impostor? Not the real impostor at all?

Yes!

No!

Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?

- Yes! - On Hogswatch Night?

- Yes. - For giving away presents?

In front of all these kiddies?

Yes!

- In your shop?

- Y...

You think... that might look a bit... bad?

Difficult to see how it could look good, sir.

Could you not do it... surreptitiously?

Oh, well! Yes.

Surreptition. Yes. We could give that a try.

You won't find me ungrateful.

In Omnia, we call Hogswatch Night the Fast of St Ossory.

But it is not an occasion for superstition

and crass commercialism.

I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular.

All that ever happened was my dad was sick in it once.

I'm going in.

There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere.

It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.

It's the expression on their little faces I like.

Yeah, a sort of cross between fear and and awe.

They don't know whether to laugh, cry or wet their pants.

Yes. Now, that is what I call belief.

Next.

And what's your name, little...

...person?

Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.

And have you been a good bo? A good dwa? A good gno?

A good individual?

Yes.

So why isn't it working?

Ah, the chalk... just got a bit scuffed,

you know, when we were piling up the... the things.

- You're sure that's what it is? - Well, er...

What about the spell?

Oh, that'll go on forever. Simple ones do.

It's just a state change, powered by the... the...

It just keeps going.

That's very good, Mr Sideney.

Because if the sympathetic magic doesn't work,

you will find me very...

...unsympathetic.

What happened? What happened?

Ah, it's disgusting, this whole business!

It is the worship of idols!

It's a genuine Burleigh & Stronginthearm

double-action triple-cantilever crossbow

with a polished-walnut stock and... silver engraved facings.

Aren't we going to arrest the impostor, Corporal?

You're foreign, Washpot.

I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.

On the whole, I think that went very well, don't you?

Yes, master.

And I think I've got the laugh working really well now.

- Ho, ho, ho! - Yes, sir. Very jolly.

Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, alright.

They'd better.

Because if they don't, then there won't be a tomorrow morning.

So for the sun to come up tomorrow, the Hogfather has to be alive.

Precise-amente.

But what if he's dead?

And this was gonna be your big... moment.

It's him!

Such a shame!

Pretty lights...

Think... happy, Banjo.

Wake up! Wake up! You've got to find the Hogfather!

He was at the Castle of Bones.

You're not the Hogfather.

There must be thousands here.

What's all this stuff? It's just paper.

They're title deeds to properties, and they're better than money.

So if we steal them, do they become ours?

Is that a trick question?

Anyway, let's get going.

He won't miss a few, er...

- Gentlemen. - We were just, er...

We were just... piling up the stuff.

Hah!

Hmm! I know people say

I'd kill them as soon as look at them.

And in fact, I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.

You're thinking that Banjo's gonna help you.

That's how its always been, isn't it?

But Banjo's my friend now.

Banjo has the heart... of a little child.

And believe, I have, too.

Help him, Banjo.

As far as this goes, I really have no use for it.

It's only pillow money.

Something much more... interesting has become apparent.

Albert...

I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own.

Drop him.

Control. Control the inner child,

and it'll even give you its teeth.

And somewhere in this tower,

you're gonna help me find someone who can use it...

...who can use it to... give me the world.

So, is he saying to take the money and go?

Don't be so bloody stupid!

Daddy?

I say... It's not what you think!

Yes, it is.

Mr Brown?

There's one door you haven't found.

Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room. And when he does...

...then, just think what I can make the kiddiewinks think.

- Are you alright? - I wish I was dead.

I think you may have come to the right place.

- Oh, my head... - Are you the Hogfather?

I feel awful! Have you got any ice?

Duty calls.

Yeah, but which one? That one or this one?

Happy Hogswatch, everybody!