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00:00:01,741 --> 00:00:13,510
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Make room, precious cargo
coming through.
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00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,097
Why is there a ham
in Hope's car seat?
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00:00:18,165 --> 00:00:20,133
Now you got to put
your ham in a car seat?
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00:00:20,167 --> 00:00:21,834
I knew this would happen
the minute they put
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00:00:21,869 --> 00:00:23,569
a Democrat in the White House.
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We wanted to make sure that it
got home safe from the butcher.
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This holiday dinner
has to be perfect.
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You don't have to work so hard
to impress my parents, Virginia.
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00:00:31,145 --> 00:00:33,079
They gave up on us
a long time ago.
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Oh, that's them.
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Best behavior, everybody.
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No offense, Hope.
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Grandma's got to toss out
your splotchy brown eggs.
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Next week we'll go
back to pretending
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00:00:40,554 --> 00:00:42,555
everything you do is wonderful.
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00:00:45,926 --> 00:00:47,427
Mom, Dad.
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00:00:48,495 --> 00:00:49,662
What's up, Grammy?
19
00:00:49,696 --> 00:00:50,930
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
20
00:00:50,964 --> 00:00:52,098
And, uh...?
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00:00:52,132 --> 00:00:53,466
It's Sabrina.
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00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:55,635
Oh. Hi, Sabrina.
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00:00:57,204 --> 00:00:59,872
Anyway, uh, we're really
sorry that you couldn't
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00:00:59,907 --> 00:01:01,040
make it to the wedding.
25
00:01:01,074 --> 00:01:02,875
Well, we would've RSVP'd,
26
00:01:02,910 --> 00:01:05,111
but we're boycotting
the post office.
27
00:01:05,145 --> 00:01:07,180
They gave 40 million
of our tax dollars
28
00:01:07,214 --> 00:01:10,283
to some blood-doping cheater
riding a bike all over France.
29
00:01:10,317 --> 00:01:12,185
I saw that on Oprah.
30
00:01:12,219 --> 00:01:13,853
Well, that guy's got
a lot of ball.
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Yeah.
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00:01:14,721 --> 00:01:16,389
Christine, Ralph,
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can I interest you in some
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Easter Island head cheese
and crackers?
35
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,227
Oh, yeah.
36
00:01:21,261 --> 00:01:22,462
Oh.
37
00:01:22,496 --> 00:01:23,830
Look, we have some
38
00:01:23,864 --> 00:01:25,198
big news.
39
00:01:25,232 --> 00:01:26,966
Maybe we should all sit down.
40
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,402
Oh, no, are you dying?
41
00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:31,604
Or you're both dying.
42
00:01:31,638 --> 00:01:32,772
Or you're getting divorced.
43
00:01:32,806 --> 00:01:34,446
Oh, Mom, did you finally
find that picture
44
00:01:34,475 --> 00:01:36,309
of Dad wearing that black dress?
45
00:01:36,343 --> 00:01:38,377
Nobody's dying
and nobody's divorcing.
46
00:01:38,412 --> 00:01:40,813
And that black dress
is a graduation gown.
47
00:01:40,848 --> 00:01:42,682
You'd know that if you ever
graduated from anything.
48
00:01:42,716 --> 00:01:44,784
Well, so what's the big news?
49
00:01:44,818 --> 00:01:47,687
About two weeks ago,
we went to a Bar Mitzvah,
50
00:01:47,721 --> 00:01:49,755
and I was talking
to the Goldbergs
51
00:01:49,790 --> 00:01:52,225
and realized we had
a cousin in common.
52
00:01:52,259 --> 00:01:53,659
After blowing
a hundred dollars
53
00:01:53,694 --> 00:01:56,996
on a genealogist, your mother
discovers she's Jewish.
54
00:01:57,998 --> 00:01:59,665
And, Burt,
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00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,133
according to tradition,
56
00:02:01,168 --> 00:02:02,768
so are you.
57
00:02:02,803 --> 00:02:04,036
You're Jewish.
58
00:02:04,071 --> 00:02:05,838
Oh, crap.
59
00:02:05,873 --> 00:02:07,206
Well, now I'm gonna have
to go punch Frank
60
00:02:07,241 --> 00:02:09,909
for that hilarious joke
he told me last week.
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00:02:09,943 --> 00:02:11,944
Does that mean that we get to
have those little prayer rugs
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00:02:11,979 --> 00:02:13,412
and pray five times a day?
63
00:02:13,447 --> 00:02:14,614
I don't feel Jewish.
64
00:02:14,648 --> 00:02:16,088
Maybe that's why they
call it Jewish.
65
00:02:16,116 --> 00:02:18,150
Because when people find out,
they don't feel full Jew.
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00:02:18,185 --> 00:02:20,152
They feel Jew-ish.
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00:02:20,187 --> 00:02:21,754
You should do what I've done.
68
00:02:21,788 --> 00:02:24,156
Embrace your new heritage.
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00:02:24,191 --> 00:02:25,491
Connect with your people.
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00:02:25,526 --> 00:02:26,926
Learn your history.
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00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,995
But most importantly,
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00:02:29,029 --> 00:02:31,931
do what every
good Jewish boy does.
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00:02:31,965 --> 00:02:33,733
Get Bar Mitzvahed.
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00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,434
Whoa, slow down now...
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00:02:35,469 --> 00:02:37,937
You're asking me to throw
everything I know to be true
76
00:02:37,971 --> 00:02:39,639
about Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny
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00:02:39,673 --> 00:02:41,707
and just accept
some crazy new religion?
78
00:02:42,809 --> 00:02:44,777
I'm not sure I want to do that.
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00:02:44,811 --> 00:02:47,179
Okay, fine.
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00:02:47,214 --> 00:02:48,347
Don't do it.
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00:02:48,382 --> 00:02:49,782
If you want
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00:02:49,816 --> 00:02:50,850
to break your mother's heart,
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00:02:50,884 --> 00:02:52,785
I guess I can't stop you.
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00:02:52,819 --> 00:02:54,353
My happiness
85
00:02:54,388 --> 00:02:56,022
means nothing,
it's more important
86
00:02:56,056 --> 00:02:57,723
that you get what-what you want.
87
00:02:57,758 --> 00:02:59,125
Oh...
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00:02:59,159 --> 00:03:01,027
Ever since your mother
found out she's Jewish,
89
00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,728
she really knows how
to lay on the guilt.
90
00:03:02,763 --> 00:03:04,096
All I ask
91
00:03:04,131 --> 00:03:05,631
is if you care one...
92
00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:08,301
one iota about your mother,
93
00:03:08,335 --> 00:03:09,936
you'll think about it.
94
00:03:11,505 --> 00:03:12,972
Fine, I'll think about it.
95
00:03:13,006 --> 00:03:15,207
I know you'll come
to the right decision.
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00:03:15,242 --> 00:03:16,309
Look.
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00:03:16,343 --> 00:03:18,144
In the meantime,
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00:03:18,178 --> 00:03:19,812
your guests in our home,
99
00:03:19,846 --> 00:03:23,182
and I have planned
the greatest Easter feast
100
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:25,484
our family has ever had.
101
00:03:25,519 --> 00:03:26,752
Oh, it sounds great,
102
00:03:26,787 --> 00:03:27,820
but, uh,
103
00:03:27,854 --> 00:03:29,689
we no longer celebrate Easter.
104
00:03:29,723 --> 00:03:31,123
We're Passover people.
105
00:03:32,993 --> 00:03:34,727
Since we're all
sharing secrets,
106
00:03:34,761 --> 00:03:36,201
maybe it's time
I told you which side
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00:03:36,229 --> 00:03:39,065
of World War II
Wilfred fought on.
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00:03:39,099 --> 00:03:41,367
Japanese.
109
00:03:43,870 --> 00:03:46,505
Passover-- I don't even
know what Passover is.
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00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:48,107
Me neither.
111
00:03:48,141 --> 00:03:49,976
It's weird.
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00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:52,244
This morning I was just
a normal average guy
113
00:03:52,279 --> 00:03:54,981
but tonight I'm a Jew.
114
00:03:55,015 --> 00:03:57,984
Maybe this could be
good for you.
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00:03:58,018 --> 00:04:01,053
Different songs, more holidays.
116
00:04:01,088 --> 00:04:03,389
And I'm sure there's some
amazing Passover recipe
117
00:04:03,423 --> 00:04:05,257
for that Easter ham I bought.
118
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,960
I guess we just got to take it
one step at a time.
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00:04:07,995 --> 00:04:09,962
Keep asking ourselves,
120
00:04:09,997 --> 00:04:12,298
"What would Jesus do?"
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00:04:25,178 --> 00:04:27,115
Okay, when it's our turn,
122
00:04:27,224 --> 00:04:28,524
you ask about the Jewish stuff.
123
00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:29,525
Me?
Yeah.
124
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:30,827
You're the one who's Jewish.
125
00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:32,929
But that's what makes it weird.
What?
126
00:04:32,963 --> 00:04:34,731
Now you go.
127
00:04:34,765 --> 00:04:35,932
Can I help you boys?
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00:04:35,966 --> 00:04:38,101
Hi, I'm Burt.
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00:04:38,135 --> 00:04:41,104
I'll take, uh, half a pound
of the corned beef,
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00:04:41,138 --> 00:04:42,472
three of those little sausages,
131
00:04:42,506 --> 00:04:45,174
some of that pink fish,
132
00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:46,843
and two of those giant pickles,
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00:04:46,877 --> 00:04:49,045
a full explanation of what
it means to be a Jew,
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00:04:49,079 --> 00:04:51,581
and two of those
brown and white cookies.
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00:04:51,615 --> 00:04:53,950
The explanation
of Judaism comes with a side.
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00:04:53,984 --> 00:04:56,953
Would you like coleslaw
or potato salad?
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00:04:58,555 --> 00:05:00,556
Okay, you try.
138
00:05:03,949 --> 00:05:06,582
My father recently found out
that he's Jewish
139
00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:08,931
and he's looking
for a little information.
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00:05:08,966 --> 00:05:10,500
Hey, Rose.
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00:05:10,534 --> 00:05:11,768
Burt here wants to know
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00:05:11,802 --> 00:05:13,810
what it means to be a
member of the tribe.
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00:05:13,912 --> 00:05:15,913
Well, tickle my kishkas--
hit it.
144
00:05:16,948 --> 00:05:20,350
♪ 5,000 some odd years ago ♪
145
00:05:20,385 --> 00:05:22,819
♪ Abraham and sons ♪
146
00:05:22,854 --> 00:05:25,789
♪ Found a God, said,
"Hey, we're Jews ♪
147
00:05:25,823 --> 00:05:28,659
♪ And we're the chosen ones" ♪
148
00:05:28,693 --> 00:05:31,261
♪ They moved around
and customs grew ♪
149
00:05:31,296 --> 00:05:34,298
♪ Enslaved by Romans,
Persians, too ♪
150
00:05:34,332 --> 00:05:36,934
♪ But sense of humor
got them through ♪
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00:05:36,968 --> 00:05:38,335
♪ Now here's what makes ♪
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00:05:38,369 --> 00:05:43,006
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
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00:05:45,176 --> 00:05:47,211
♪ To be a Jew you have to eat ♪
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00:05:47,245 --> 00:05:49,379
♪ It's always salty,
sometimes sweet ♪
155
00:05:49,414 --> 00:05:51,548
♪ I'll go grab a knife
and fork ♪
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00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,750
♪ But don't eat lobster,
shrimp or pork ♪
157
00:05:53,785 --> 00:05:55,786
♪ There's babke, brisket,
hamantaschen ♪
158
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:57,754
♪ Pickled herring
you can nosh-on ♪
159
00:05:57,789 --> 00:05:59,323
♪ Kreplach, kugel, mandelbrodt ♪
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00:05:59,357 --> 00:06:01,959
♪ Gefilte fish and lox ♪
♪ Hey ♪
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00:06:01,993 --> 00:06:03,894
♪ Don't stop there,
there's matzo brei ♪
162
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,662
♪ And lean pastrami
piled on rye ♪
163
00:06:05,697 --> 00:06:08,932
♪ Blintzes, challah, macaroons
and bagels by the box ♪
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00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:11,268
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Traditions endless, history long ♪
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00:06:11,302 --> 00:06:13,070
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
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00:06:13,104 --> 00:06:15,105
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
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00:06:15,139 --> 00:06:17,341
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
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00:06:19,444 --> 00:06:21,278
Dad, this is pretty incredible.
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00:06:21,312 --> 00:06:22,412
I had no idea.
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00:06:22,447 --> 00:06:23,947
Neither did I.
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00:06:24,393 --> 00:06:25,826
♪ But what is in ♪
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00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:27,028
♪ A Jewish home? ♪
173
00:06:27,062 --> 00:06:28,663
♪ Lots of silver, never chrome ♪
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00:06:28,697 --> 00:06:30,665
♪ A lot of tchotchkes
in the mix? ♪
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00:06:30,699 --> 00:06:32,566
♪ Yes, but not a crucifix ♪
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00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,368
♪ There's dreidels,
yarmulkes, menorahs ♪
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00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:36,203
♪ Stars of David, maybe Torahs ♪
178
00:06:36,238 --> 00:06:39,073
♪ Bubbe's china, kiddish cups
and Seinfeld on TV ♪
179
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,107
♪ Hey ♪
180
00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:41,409
♪ Mezuzah hanging by the door ♪
181
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,444
♪ Hired help
to sweep the floor ♪
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00:06:43,478 --> 00:06:45,146
♪ Books about the Holocaust ♪
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00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:47,214
♪ And Streisand on CD ♪
♪ Hey ♪
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00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:48,749
♪ The people short,
the beards are long ♪
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00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:50,751
♪ Perfect for a deli song ♪
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00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,753
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
187
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,022
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
188
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:12,073
♪ Overbearing mothers ♪
189
00:07:12,107 --> 00:07:15,509
♪ Movie-making brothers ♪
190
00:07:15,544 --> 00:07:18,312
♪ Fathers who earn money ♪
191
00:07:18,346 --> 00:07:22,416
♪ Schlubby sisters
who are funny ♪
192
00:07:22,451 --> 00:07:25,252
♪ Traditions endless,
history long ♪
193
00:07:25,287 --> 00:07:27,621
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
194
00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:29,557
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
195
00:07:29,591 --> 00:07:31,892
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
196
00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:33,360
♪ Eating rye and pumpernickel ♪
197
00:07:33,395 --> 00:07:35,362
♪ But no foreskin
on their pickle ♪
198
00:07:35,397 --> 00:07:36,797
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
199
00:07:36,798 --> 00:07:39,166
♪ Listen, Burt, we're
teaching you ♪
200
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:41,102
♪ I think I know now,
guys, I do ♪
201
00:07:41,136 --> 00:07:42,803
♪ Just what makes ♪
202
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:48,476
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
203
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,010
♪ "La chai-um." ♪
204
00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:51,245
You're telling me
205
00:07:51,279 --> 00:07:53,581
everyone broke out into song?
206
00:07:53,615 --> 00:07:54,724
Even the bagels?
207
00:07:54,844 --> 00:07:56,150
That's how I remember it.
208
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,485
We're a very creative people.
209
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:58,919
Plus after they
stopped singing,
210
00:07:58,954 --> 00:08:01,589
we sat down, we kibbitzed--
which means "talked"--
211
00:08:01,623 --> 00:08:03,958
they told me all about
their customs and traditions.
212
00:08:03,992 --> 00:08:04,959
They even explained
the whole process
213
00:08:04,993 --> 00:08:05,993
of getting Bar Mitzvahed.
214
00:08:05,994 --> 00:08:07,495
Oh, really, what is it?
Turns out,
215
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,096
a Bar Mitzvah's, like,
a right of passage.
216
00:08:09,131 --> 00:08:11,098
You go from being a boy
to a man.
217
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:13,200
Burt, come on,
you're already a man.
218
00:08:13,235 --> 00:08:15,302
Am I?
Think about it, Virginia.
219
00:08:15,337 --> 00:08:16,837
I never graduated high school.
220
00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,606
Heck, I never even finished
that book report
221
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:19,940
on people from Finland.
222
00:08:19,975 --> 00:08:21,675
I never even learned
what they're called.
223
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:22,710
Finnish.
224
00:08:22,744 --> 00:08:24,378
I'm trying to.
225
00:08:24,412 --> 00:08:25,813
I never followed
through on anything
226
00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:27,248
because I never became a man.
227
00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:28,849
I think I need
to get Bar Mitzvahed.
228
00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:31,485
Are you sure you
really want to do this?
229
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,621
The Jewish thing
is a lot of work.
230
00:08:33,655 --> 00:08:37,091
Trust me, I'm planning a seder
and I can't find anything
231
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:40,628
on Paula Dean's
Web site I can use.
232
00:08:40,662 --> 00:08:42,696
Bubbe, Zayde,
233
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,964
I got big news.
234
00:08:43,999 --> 00:08:45,699
I am gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
235
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,068
Our son's finally
becoming a man.
236
00:08:48,103 --> 00:08:50,638
Oh, yes, you are.
237
00:08:56,919 --> 00:08:59,109
In Exodus, when the-- Oh!
238
00:08:59,225 --> 00:08:59,971
Come in, come in, come in.
239
00:09:00,091 --> 00:09:02,127
Kids, this is Burt Chance.
240
00:09:02,161 --> 00:09:03,528
He's gonna be
joining our class.
241
00:09:03,563 --> 00:09:06,131
Now, while you've all had six
months to study and prepare,
242
00:09:06,165 --> 00:09:07,532
he has a week.
243
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:08,934
Um, my parents are in town.
244
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:10,602
They really want me
to become a man,
245
00:09:10,636 --> 00:09:12,470
which I thought we covered
when I got married
246
00:09:12,505 --> 00:09:13,672
and had a kid at 17.
247
00:09:13,706 --> 00:09:15,507
Wear condoms, boys.
248
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:16,708
All right, then.
249
00:09:16,742 --> 00:09:18,410
Uh, why don't you have
a seat here, Burt,
250
00:09:18,444 --> 00:09:20,245
and, uh, put this on.
251
00:09:20,279 --> 00:09:21,813
Here you go.
252
00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:22,847
Let's get started.
253
00:09:22,882 --> 00:09:24,015
Put this on, mm-hmm.
254
00:09:24,050 --> 00:09:26,618
Burt, you're going
to have to read
255
00:09:26,652 --> 00:09:28,720
from the Torah as part
of your Bar Mitzvah.
256
00:09:28,754 --> 00:09:30,989
Now, it's in Hebrew, so it's
gonna take a lot of work.
257
00:09:31,023 --> 00:09:33,158
Repeat after me.
258
00:09:33,192 --> 00:09:34,192
"Baruch."
259
00:09:34,227 --> 00:09:35,694
Barack.
More in the throat.
260
00:09:35,728 --> 00:09:36,728
Baruch.
261
00:09:36,762 --> 00:09:38,897
Baruch...
262
00:09:38,931 --> 00:09:40,532
Kids, kids, come on.
263
00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:42,000
Come on...
264
00:09:42,034 --> 00:09:44,302
Let's try another one, Burt.
How about this? "Melach."
265
00:09:44,337 --> 00:09:45,737
Melick.
Again.
266
00:09:45,771 --> 00:09:46,738
From the throat.
267
00:09:46,772 --> 00:09:48,073
Huh, huh, huh.
268
00:09:48,107 --> 00:09:49,908
Huh, huh...
269
00:09:55,381 --> 00:09:56,648
Please, please.
270
00:09:56,682 --> 00:09:58,250
You're gonna get
schmutz everywhere, all right?
271
00:09:58,284 --> 00:09:59,484
Kids,
272
00:09:59,518 --> 00:10:00,599
why don't you all go outside
273
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:02,687
and play a game of basketball.
274
00:10:02,722 --> 00:10:04,656
First team to 11 wins.
275
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:08,994
Okay, that should give us
about three hours.
276
00:10:09,028 --> 00:10:10,195
Let's get to work.
277
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,034
Good afternoon, ladies.
278
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:18,103
Might I interest you
in a sample sausage?
279
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,938
Is it kosher?
280
00:10:19,972 --> 00:10:22,073
I'm not even
sure it's real meat.
281
00:10:22,108 --> 00:10:24,042
Thank you, dear, we'll pass.
282
00:10:24,076 --> 00:10:25,844
So, what brings you guys
into Howdy's this afternoon?
283
00:10:25,878 --> 00:10:28,713
Well, my mother-in-law
insisted that we shop
284
00:10:28,748 --> 00:10:30,615
for the seder dinner together.
285
00:10:30,650 --> 00:10:33,251
I was just trying to help, I...
286
00:10:33,286 --> 00:10:36,521
Look, if-if I'm in the way,
I-I can wait outside.
287
00:10:36,555 --> 00:10:39,891
My people spent four decades
in the burning desert,
288
00:10:39,925 --> 00:10:40,892
and I think
289
00:10:40,926 --> 00:10:42,060
I can last
290
00:10:42,094 --> 00:10:44,529
20 minutes schvitzing
in a hot car.
291
00:10:44,563 --> 00:10:45,530
Follow me.
292
00:10:45,564 --> 00:10:48,600
Uh, so all of our Jewish foods
293
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,268
are over here surrounded by
294
00:10:50,303 --> 00:10:52,237
the Syrian and Egyptian foods.
295
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:54,939
Oh, the way I see it, if the
pitas and the matzohs can sit
296
00:10:54,974 --> 00:10:57,642
peacefully side by side, maybe
there's hope for the world.
297
00:10:57,677 --> 00:11:00,011
Well, I'm just staring
at funny-named foods
298
00:11:00,046 --> 00:11:01,212
with funny-shaped letters.
299
00:11:01,247 --> 00:11:02,981
I don't know how
to make a seder dinner.
300
00:11:03,015 --> 00:11:04,516
Allow me to help.
301
00:11:06,819 --> 00:11:09,120
♪ My ex-wife was very cruel ♪
302
00:11:09,155 --> 00:11:11,289
♪ Bordering on shrewish ♪
303
00:11:11,324 --> 00:11:13,625
♪ But luckily for all of you ♪
304
00:11:13,659 --> 00:11:15,727
♪ She happened to be Jewish ♪
305
00:11:15,761 --> 00:11:17,796
♪ We never really
talked at all ♪
306
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,365
♪ I barely ever laid her ♪
307
00:11:20,399 --> 00:11:22,300
♪ But I did get
one thing out of it ♪
308
00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:24,803
♪ I learned to make a seder ♪
309
00:11:24,837 --> 00:11:26,938
♪ She doesn't know
which foods to buy ♪
310
00:11:26,972 --> 00:11:29,140
♪ She doesn't know
what to fixah ♪
311
00:11:29,175 --> 00:11:31,309
♪ She needs someone
to help her out ♪
312
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:33,578
♪ I'm just a silly shiksa ♪
313
00:11:33,612 --> 00:11:35,647
♪ It really is quite simple ♪
314
00:11:35,681 --> 00:11:37,749
♪ You cook and tell a story ♪
315
00:11:37,783 --> 00:11:39,918
♪ The food will
give you heartburn ♪
316
00:11:39,952 --> 00:11:42,320
♪ The tale is very gory ♪
317
00:11:42,355 --> 00:11:44,689
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
318
00:11:44,724 --> 00:11:46,958
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
319
00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:48,827
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
320
00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:51,029
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
321
00:11:53,132 --> 00:11:55,166
♪ Pharaoh was
a great big jerk ♪
322
00:11:55,201 --> 00:11:57,602
♪ He told the Jews
to get to work ♪
323
00:11:57,636 --> 00:12:00,038
♪ But Moses had God
on his side ♪
324
00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:02,207
♪ Bada-bing, infanticide ♪
325
00:12:02,241 --> 00:12:04,209
♪ The Jews fled
from the Pharaoh ♪
326
00:12:04,243 --> 00:12:06,778
♪ That guy,
he sounds oppressive ♪
327
00:12:06,812 --> 00:12:08,046
♪ Then Moses
parted the Red Sea ♪
328
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,782
♪ That's pretty
darn impressive ♪
329
00:12:10,816 --> 00:12:12,984
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
330
00:12:13,018 --> 00:12:15,387
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
331
00:12:15,421 --> 00:12:17,355
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
332
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:19,624
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
333
00:12:21,427 --> 00:12:24,329
♪ A shank bone
for the sacrifice ♪
334
00:12:24,363 --> 00:12:26,331
♪ I've heard that
kosher wine is nice ♪
335
00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:30,735
♪ Salty water to show the tears
of wandering for 40 years ♪
336
00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:32,704
♪ But now the story
has been told ♪
337
00:12:32,738 --> 00:12:35,707
♪ The Jews came out
the winner ♪
338
00:12:35,741 --> 00:12:37,342
♪ I'll schlep this stuff
back to my house ♪
339
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,911
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
340
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,846
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
341
00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:43,882
♪ She'll do it
for her Jewish spouse ♪
342
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:46,384
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
343
00:12:46,419 --> 00:12:48,520
♪ I'll get drunk
and lose my blouse ♪
344
00:12:48,554 --> 00:12:50,422
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
345
00:12:50,456 --> 00:12:52,424
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
346
00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:54,058
♪ And make ♪
347
00:12:54,093 --> 00:12:56,995
♪ A seder ♪
348
00:12:57,029 --> 00:13:00,432
♪ Dinner. ♪
349
00:13:00,466 --> 00:13:02,734
Molotov!
350
00:13:02,768 --> 00:13:04,035
And everybody
351
00:13:04,069 --> 00:13:06,104
in Howdy's just joined in
singing and dancing?
352
00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:07,238
That's how I remember it.
353
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:08,573
I swear to God.
354
00:13:08,607 --> 00:13:10,909
My God and your God.
355
00:13:10,943 --> 00:13:13,711
Burt, you got to see this!
356
00:13:14,747 --> 00:13:16,080
Great news, bubeleh.
357
00:13:16,115 --> 00:13:19,117
The RSVPs have
been flooding in.
358
00:13:19,151 --> 00:13:20,752
All our friends are
359
00:13:20,786 --> 00:13:22,554
tickled pink you're
gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
360
00:13:22,588 --> 00:13:24,389
Some think it's
gonna be heartwarming.
361
00:13:24,423 --> 00:13:26,157
Others think it's gonna
be a train wreck.
362
00:13:26,192 --> 00:13:27,959
Either way, they're coming
to see what happens.
363
00:13:27,993 --> 00:13:29,527
You invited all your friends?
364
00:13:29,562 --> 00:13:31,463
Well, when you've waited
over 40 years to see
365
00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:34,199
your son become a man,
you-you want to share it.
366
00:13:34,233 --> 00:13:35,900
Oh...
367
00:13:35,935 --> 00:13:37,235
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
368
00:13:37,269 --> 00:13:38,236
No, no, I'm just practicing.
369
00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:39,737
I got a lot of studying to do.
370
00:13:39,772 --> 00:13:41,139
There's our taxi.
371
00:13:41,173 --> 00:13:42,707
Well, we're on our way over
372
00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:45,109
to the Silvermans for something
called babke.
373
00:13:45,144 --> 00:13:47,579
That's apparently Jewish
for "dry cake."
374
00:13:47,613 --> 00:13:49,180
Uh, I haven't had
a healthy stool
375
00:13:49,215 --> 00:13:51,449
since your mother
changed religions.
376
00:13:55,020 --> 00:13:56,221
Dad?
377
00:13:56,255 --> 00:13:57,822
I can't do it, Jimmy.
378
00:13:57,857 --> 00:13:59,157
I got too much to learn.
379
00:13:59,191 --> 00:14:01,559
I haven't Schlemieled
or Schlimazeled and I have
380
00:14:01,594 --> 00:14:03,661
no idea what Hasenpfeffer
Incorporated even makes.
381
00:14:03,696 --> 00:14:05,063
I got to find a way out of this.
382
00:14:05,097 --> 00:14:06,264
Uh, hey, maybe I can hide
383
00:14:06,298 --> 00:14:08,132
in the attic till
this whole thing blows over.
384
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,001
I'm not gonna
let you give up, Dad.
385
00:14:10,035 --> 00:14:12,437
- Did you let me quit T-ball
when I wanted to? - Yes.
386
00:14:12,471 --> 00:14:13,972
How about when I dropped
out of high school?
387
00:14:14,006 --> 00:14:15,840
I didn't say a word.
388
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:17,775
Okay, well, what about the time
that I wanted to quit the thing
389
00:14:17,810 --> 00:14:20,278
at the hotel at the airport
that... what-what...
390
00:14:20,312 --> 00:14:22,413
what was it?
The seminar for enhancing your memory?
391
00:14:22,448 --> 00:14:23,982
Yeah, I think that was it.
392
00:14:24,016 --> 00:14:25,416
Look, the point is
393
00:14:25,451 --> 00:14:28,286
I'm a quitter because
my dad never taught me
394
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,454
how to follow through.
395
00:14:29,488 --> 00:14:31,823
All right, if you
never become a man
396
00:14:31,857 --> 00:14:33,424
I'll never become a man.
397
00:14:33,459 --> 00:14:35,827
Ah, forget it, Jimmy.
398
00:14:44,303 --> 00:14:46,204
♪ Forget the times ♪
399
00:14:46,238 --> 00:14:48,706
♪ You quit before ♪
400
00:14:48,741 --> 00:14:50,108
♪ Now pick yourself ♪
401
00:14:50,142 --> 00:14:51,843
♪ Up off the floor ♪
402
00:14:51,877 --> 00:14:53,711
♪ Today's your day ♪
403
00:14:53,746 --> 00:14:55,847
♪ Feel the burn ♪
404
00:14:55,881 --> 00:14:58,149
♪ It's just your brain ♪
405
00:14:58,183 --> 00:14:59,651
♪ Trying to learn ♪
406
00:14:59,685 --> 00:15:04,355
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
407
00:15:04,390 --> 00:15:07,992
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
408
00:15:08,027 --> 00:15:09,661
♪ You're gonna know every word ♪
409
00:15:09,695 --> 00:15:11,796
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
410
00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:13,531
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
411
00:15:13,566 --> 00:15:16,868
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
412
00:15:16,902 --> 00:15:20,138
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
413
00:15:23,075 --> 00:15:27,011
♪ Read these words
as I unscroll it ♪
414
00:15:27,046 --> 00:15:28,313
♪ Don't hold back ♪
415
00:15:28,347 --> 00:15:30,381
♪ Just rock and roll it ♪
416
00:15:30,416 --> 00:15:33,685
♪ Write your speech
from the heart ♪
417
00:15:33,719 --> 00:15:38,523
♪ 'Cause a mensch don't stop
once he starts ♪
418
00:15:38,557 --> 00:15:42,560
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
419
00:15:42,595 --> 00:15:46,030
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
420
00:15:46,065 --> 00:15:47,865
♪ You're gonna know
every word ♪
421
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:49,801
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
422
00:15:49,835 --> 00:15:51,769
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
423
00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:55,406
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
424
00:15:55,441 --> 00:16:00,578
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
425
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:09,654
Hey!
426
00:16:09,688 --> 00:16:11,756
♪ You've got the dreams ♪
427
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:16,761
♪ Of a man ♪
428
00:16:16,795 --> 00:16:19,364
♪ And it's all part ♪
429
00:16:19,398 --> 00:16:22,233
♪ Of God's plan ♪
430
00:16:23,936 --> 00:16:26,471
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
431
00:16:26,505 --> 00:16:28,706
♪ High on a chair ♪
432
00:16:28,741 --> 00:16:32,443
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
433
00:16:32,478 --> 00:16:33,745
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
434
00:16:33,779 --> 00:16:36,347
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
435
00:16:36,382 --> 00:16:38,049
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
436
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:41,386
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
437
00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:43,488
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
438
00:16:43,522 --> 00:16:46,290
♪ High on a chair ♪
439
00:16:46,325 --> 00:16:49,794
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
440
00:16:49,828 --> 00:16:51,396
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
441
00:16:51,430 --> 00:16:53,631
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
442
00:16:53,666 --> 00:16:55,466
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
443
00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:59,337
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
444
00:16:59,371 --> 00:17:03,274
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
445
00:17:05,944 --> 00:17:07,779
♪ C-Come on ♪
446
00:17:07,813 --> 00:17:10,148
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
447
00:17:14,286 --> 00:17:19,090
♪ Gonna rock, rock,
rock the Torah ♪
448
00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:21,459
♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. ♪
449
00:17:21,493 --> 00:17:23,361
Some old lady told me
to give this to you.
450
00:17:23,395 --> 00:17:26,497
That's nice.
451
00:17:26,532 --> 00:17:29,434
Hey, there's a couple
hundred bucks in here.
452
00:17:29,468 --> 00:17:30,601
It's Bar Mitzvah money.
453
00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:32,437
It's the first major payday
for a Jewish kid.
454
00:17:32,471 --> 00:17:34,205
With sound investment strategy,
455
00:17:34,239 --> 00:17:36,040
some people turn that
into a nice little nest egg.
456
00:17:36,075 --> 00:17:37,775
I'm getting a Jet Ski.
457
00:17:37,810 --> 00:17:39,844
Why didn't my parents
tell me about this?
458
00:17:39,878 --> 00:17:42,146
They probably wanted you to do
it for the right reasons.
459
00:17:42,181 --> 00:17:43,614
You know, I thought
I knew my parents.
460
00:17:43,649 --> 00:17:46,217
Maybe I didn't give them
enough credit.
461
00:17:53,058 --> 00:17:54,192
What the hell
are you guys doing?
462
00:17:54,226 --> 00:17:56,494
We're just welcoming
your guests, honey.
463
00:17:56,528 --> 00:17:57,795
You got a card
from the Bronsteins.
464
00:17:57,830 --> 00:17:58,830
Oh.
465
00:17:58,864 --> 00:18:01,299
Oh, dog with a "yar-mulkay."
466
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,533
Funny.
467
00:18:03,402 --> 00:18:04,736
Where's the money?
468
00:18:04,770 --> 00:18:05,837
We know you've been stealing.
469
00:18:05,871 --> 00:18:07,305
We're not stealing anything.
470
00:18:07,339 --> 00:18:08,706
It's our money.
471
00:18:08,741 --> 00:18:10,742
Easy, honey,
we've come too far.
472
00:18:10,776 --> 00:18:12,710
What do you mean
"come too far"?
473
00:18:12,745 --> 00:18:14,645
Give me that money!
Burt, stop it!
474
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,749
It's my money. I'm the one
getting Bar Mitzvahed.
475
00:18:17,783 --> 00:18:19,917
No, it's not, 'cause
you're not really Jewish.
476
00:18:19,952 --> 00:18:21,586
We made this whole thing up.
477
00:18:25,424 --> 00:18:27,592
Oy vay.
478
00:18:32,685 --> 00:18:34,019
What do you mean I'm not Jewish?
479
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,246
Okay.
480
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,882
This may sound a little bit
selfish, but
481
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:41,442
we came up with this great idea
to raise money for a cruise.
482
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:43,755
Would that be a cruise to hell?
483
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,523
Because I think that's where
you two are going.
484
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,659
Look, Burt, for years
485
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,927
your father and I have been
invited to weddings,
486
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,496
graduations, Bar Mitzvahs.
487
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,765
We've spent thousands
of dollars on gifts
488
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,501
for our friends and their
horrible children.
489
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:58,403
Oh, it's the Weinbergs.
490
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,305
Thank you for sharing
our special day.
491
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:01,572
You see them?
492
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:04,309
Five kids-- they breed
like they're Irish.
493
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:05,743
I mean, we laid out cash
494
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:08,613
for five Bar Mitzvahs, five
graduations and five weddings.
495
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,181
And you never even had one.
496
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,016
This is a payback to us, son.
497
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,217
Please don't blow it for us.
498
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,120
Sounds like they're starting.
499
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,755
Oh, make us proud,
500
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,990
bubeleh.
501
00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,191
Have a good Bar Mitzvah.
502
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,696
I can't believe
I was trying to get
503
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,297
those schmendriks to like me.
504
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,565
You should go up there
and expose
505
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:30,535
their whole meshugana scheme
to everyone.
506
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,203
No.
507
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:33,705
This is still my Bar Mitzvah.
508
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,473
All these people came
to hear me.
509
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:37,375
And for the first time
in my life,
510
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:38,843
I'm gonna finish what I started.
511
00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,817
So, I'd like to thank all of you
for coming here
512
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,919
to share this
special day with me.
513
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,454
But first,
514
00:19:49,488 --> 00:19:52,023
I have something I have
to say to my parents.
515
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,892
I haven't exactly had
big events in my life
516
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,594
that were worthy
of celebration.
517
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:59,063
And I know that, uh,
518
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,898
knocking up
my high school girlfriend...
519
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,235
...and giving you
a great-grandchild
520
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:07,171
whose mother is a serial killer,
521
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,674
aren't exactly reasons
to rent out a hall
522
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:10,975
and have a chocolate fountain.
523
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:13,144
So...
524
00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:16,013
I do this for you now.
525
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,448
I love you.
526
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:18,816
We're even.
527
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:22,453
And so we begin.
528
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:30,395
"Baruch atta adonai."
529
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:31,629
Uh...
530
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:34,332
moustache with a squiggly line,
"H" with a tail.
531
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,167
"E-lo-hei-nu."
532
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,002
El, el, hey, you.
533
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:41,873
My dad may have struggled,
but he didn't give up.
534
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,642
Even when the rabbi correctedevery word he said
535
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:45,910
for over three hours.
536
00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:49,380
L.O.L.
It's like a marathon.
537
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,450
You don't have to win, theaccomplishment is finishing.
538
00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:56,087
And I've never beenmore proud of my dad.
539
00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:57,588
That was amazing, Dad.
540
00:20:57,623 --> 00:21:00,825
And to think, you did all that
and you're not even Jewish.
541
00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:02,560
I'm sorry.
542
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:05,797
Did you say he's not Jewish?
543
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:08,533
Funny story, Rabbi.
544
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:12,170
♪ My goyim parents told
a little fib... ♪
545
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,538
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
546
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:15,540
You've wasted enough of my time.
547
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:17,442
Shalom, sir.
But, Rabbi...
548
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:19,477
I said shalom.
549
00:21:23,081 --> 00:21:26,250
Okay, the Jewish thing's
officially over.
550
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,686
Everybody back to our house
for some honey-glazed ham.
551
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,923
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
552
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,925
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah! ♪
553
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:39,868
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
39614
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