Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Make room, precious cargo coming through.

Why is there a ham in Hope's car seat?

Now you got to put your ham in a car seat?

I knew this would happen the minute they put

a Democrat in the White House.

We wanted to make sure that it got home safe from the butcher.

This holiday dinner has to be perfect.

You don't have to work so hard to impress my parents, Virginia.

They gave up on us a long time ago.

Oh, that's them.

Best behavior, everybody.

No offense, Hope.

Grandma's got to toss out your splotchy brown eggs.

Next week we'll go back to pretending

everything you do is wonderful.

Mom, Dad.

What's up, Grammy?

Oh, hi, Jimmy.

And, uh...?

It's Sabrina.

Oh. Hi, Sabrina.

Anyway, uh, we're really sorry that you couldn't

make it to the wedding.

Well, we would've RSVP'd,

but we're boycotting the post office.

They gave 40 million of our tax dollars

to some blood-doping cheater riding a bike all over France.

I saw that on Oprah.

Well, that guy's got a lot of ball.

Yeah.

Christine, Ralph,

can I interest you in some

Easter Island head cheese and crackers?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Look, we have some

big news.

Maybe we should all sit down.

Oh, no, are you dying?

Or you're both dying.

Or you're getting divorced.

Oh, Mom, did you finally find that picture

of Dad wearing that black dress?

Nobody's dying and nobody's divorcing.

And that black dress is a graduation gown.

You'd know that if you ever graduated from anything.

Well, so what's the big news?

About two weeks ago, we went to a Bar Mitzvah,

and I was talking to the Goldbergs

and realized we had a cousin in common.

After blowing a hundred dollars

on a genealogist, your mother discovers she's Jewish.

And, Burt,

according to tradition,

so are you.

You're Jewish.

Oh, crap.

Well, now I'm gonna have to go punch Frank

for that hilarious joke he told me last week.

Does that mean that we get to have those little prayer rugs

and pray five times a day?

I don't feel Jewish.

Maybe that's why they call it Jewish.

Because when people find out, they don't feel full Jew.

They feel Jew-ish.

You should do what I've done.

Embrace your new heritage.

Connect with your people.

Learn your history.

But most importantly,

do what every good Jewish boy does.

Get Bar Mitzvahed.

Whoa, slow down now...

You're asking me to throw everything I know to be true

about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny

and just accept some crazy new religion?

I'm not sure I want to do that.

Okay, fine.

Don't do it.

If you want

to break your mother's heart,

I guess I can't stop you.

My happiness

means nothing, it's more important

that you get what-what you want.

Oh...

Ever since your mother found out she's Jewish,

she really knows how to lay on the guilt.

All I ask

is if you care one...

one iota about your mother,

you'll think about it.

Fine, I'll think about it.

I know you'll come to the right decision.

Look.

In the meantime,

your guests in our home,

and I have planned the greatest Easter feast

our family has ever had.

Oh, it sounds great,

but, uh,

we no longer celebrate Easter.

We're Passover people.

Since we're all sharing secrets,

maybe it's time I told you which side

of World War II Wilfred fought on.

Japanese.

Passover-- I don't even know what Passover is.

Me neither.

It's weird.

This morning I was just a normal average guy

but tonight I'm a Jew.

Maybe this could be good for you.

Different songs, more holidays.

And I'm sure there's some amazing Passover recipe

for that Easter ham I bought.

I guess we just got to take it one step at a time.

Keep asking ourselves,

"What would Jesus do?"

Okay, when it's our turn,

you ask about the Jewish stuff.

Me? Yeah.

You're the one who's Jewish.

But that's what makes it weird. What?

Now you go.

Can I help you boys?

Hi, I'm Burt.

I'll take, uh, half a pound of the corned beef,

three of those little sausages,

some of that pink fish,

and two of those giant pickles,

a full explanation of what it means to be a Jew,

and two of those brown and white cookies.

The explanation of Judaism comes with a side.

Would you like coleslaw or potato salad?

Okay, you try.

My father recently found out that he's Jewish

and he's looking for a little information.

Hey, Rose.

Burt here wants to know

what it means to be a member of the tribe.

Well, tickle my kishkas-- hit it.

♪ 5,000 some odd years ago ♪

♪ Abraham and sons ♪

♪ Found a God, said, "Hey, we're Jews ♪

♪ And we're the chosen ones" ♪

♪ They moved around and customs grew ♪

♪ Enslaved by Romans, Persians, too ♪

♪ But sense of humor got them through ♪

♪ Now here's what makes ♪

♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪

♪ To be a Jew you have to eat ♪

♪ It's always salty, sometimes sweet ♪

♪ I'll go grab a knife and fork ♪

♪ But don't eat lobster, shrimp or pork ♪

♪ There's babke, brisket, hamantaschen ♪

♪ Pickled herring you can nosh-on ♪

♪ Kreplach, kugel, mandelbrodt ♪

♪ Gefilte fish and lox ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Don't stop there, there's matzo brei ♪

♪ And lean pastrami piled on rye ♪

♪ Blintzes, challah, macaroons and bagels by the box ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Traditions endless, history long ♪

♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪

♪ Listen, Burt, we're teaching you ♪

♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪

Dad, this is pretty incredible.

I had no idea.

Neither did I.

♪ But what is in ♪

♪ A Jewish home? ♪

♪ Lots of silver, never chrome ♪

♪ A lot of tchotchkes in the mix? ♪

♪ Yes, but not a crucifix ♪

♪ There's dreidels, yarmulkes, menorahs ♪

♪ Stars of David, maybe Torahs ♪

♪ Bubbe's china, kiddish cups and Seinfeld on TV ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Mezuzah hanging by the door ♪

♪ Hired help to sweep the floor ♪

♪ Books about the Holocaust ♪

♪ And Streisand on CD ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ The people short, the beards are long ♪

♪ Perfect for a deli song ♪

♪ Listen, Burt, we're teaching you ♪

♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪

♪ Overbearing mothers ♪

♪ Movie-making brothers ♪

♪ Fathers who earn money ♪

♪ Schlubby sisters who are funny ♪

♪ Traditions endless, history long ♪

♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪

♪ Listen, Burt, we're teaching you ♪

♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪

♪ Eating rye and pumpernickel ♪

♪ But no foreskin on their pickle ♪

♪ Listen, Burt, we're teaching you ♪

♪ Listen, Burt, we're teaching you ♪

♪ I think I know now, guys, I do ♪

♪ Just what makes ♪

♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪

♪ "La chai-um." ♪

You're telling me

everyone broke out into song?

Even the bagels?

That's how I remember it.

We're a very creative people.

Plus after they stopped singing,

we sat down, we kibbitzed-- which means "talked"--

they told me all about their customs and traditions.

They even explained the whole process

of getting Bar Mitzvahed.

Oh, really, what is it? Turns out,

a Bar Mitzvah's, like, a right of passage.

You go from being a boy to a man.

Burt, come on, you're already a man.

Am I? Think about it, Virginia.

I never graduated high school.

Heck, I never even finished that book report

on people from Finland.

I never even learned what they're called.

Finnish.

I'm trying to.

I never followed through on anything

because I never became a man.

I think I need to get Bar Mitzvahed.

Are you sure you really want to do this?

The Jewish thing is a lot of work.

Trust me, I'm planning a seder and I can't find anything

on Paula Dean's Web site I can use.

Bubbe, Zayde,

I got big news.

I am gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.

Our son's finally becoming a man.

Oh, yes, you are.

In Exodus, when the-- Oh!

Come in, come in, come in.

Kids, this is Burt Chance.

He's gonna be joining our class.

Now, while you've all had six months to study and prepare,

he has a week.

Um, my parents are in town.

They really want me to become a man,

which I thought we covered when I got married

and had a kid at 17.

Wear condoms, boys.

All right, then.

Uh, why don't you have a seat here, Burt,

and, uh, put this on.

Here you go.

Let's get started.

Put this on, mm-hmm.

Burt, you're going to have to read

from the Torah as part of your Bar Mitzvah.

Now, it's in Hebrew, so it's gonna take a lot of work.

Repeat after me.

"Baruch."

Barack. More in the throat.

Baruch.

Baruch...

Kids, kids, come on.

Come on...

Let's try another one, Burt. How about this? "Melach."

Melick. Again.

From the throat.

Huh, huh, huh.

Huh, huh...

Please, please.

You're gonna get schmutz everywhere, all right?

Kids,

why don't you all go outside

and play a game of basketball.

First team to 11 wins.

Okay, that should give us about three hours.

Let's get to work.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Might I interest you in a sample sausage?

Is it kosher?

I'm not even sure it's real meat.

Thank you, dear, we'll pass.

So, what brings you guys into Howdy's this afternoon?

Well, my mother-in-law insisted that we shop

for the seder dinner together.

I was just trying to help, I...

Look, if-if I'm in the way, I-I can wait outside.

My people spent four decades in the burning desert,

and I think

I can last

20 minutes schvitzing in a hot car.

Follow me.

Uh, so all of our Jewish foods

are over here surrounded by

the Syrian and Egyptian foods.

Oh, the way I see it, if the pitas and the matzohs can sit

peacefully side by side, maybe there's hope for the world.

Well, I'm just staring at funny-named foods

with funny-shaped letters.

I don't know how to make a seder dinner.

Allow me to help.

♪ My ex-wife was very cruel ♪

♪ Bordering on shrewish ♪

♪ But luckily for all of you ♪

♪ She happened to be Jewish ♪

♪ We never really talked at all ♪

♪ I barely ever laid her ♪

♪ But I did get one thing out of it ♪

♪ I learned to make a seder ♪

♪ She doesn't know which foods to buy ♪

♪ She doesn't know what to fixah ♪

♪ She needs someone to help her out ♪

♪ I'm just a silly shiksa ♪

♪ It really is quite simple ♪

♪ You cook and tell a story ♪

♪ The food will give you heartburn ♪

♪ The tale is very gory ♪

♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪

♪ Let's have a seder ♪

♪ First we'll tell the story ♪

♪ And we'll have the dinner later ♪

♪ Pharaoh was a great big jerk ♪

♪ He told the Jews to get to work ♪

♪ But Moses had God on his side ♪

♪ Bada-bing, infanticide ♪

♪ The Jews fled from the Pharaoh ♪

♪ That guy, he sounds oppressive ♪

♪ Then Moses parted the Red Sea ♪

♪ That's pretty darn impressive ♪

♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪

♪ Let's have a seder ♪

♪ First we'll tell the story ♪

♪ And we'll have the dinner later ♪

♪ A shank bone for the sacrifice ♪

♪ I've heard that kosher wine is nice ♪

♪ Salty water to show the tears of wandering for 40 years ♪

♪ But now the story has been told ♪

♪ The Jews came out the winner ♪

♪ I'll schlep this stuff back to my house ♪

♪ And make a seder dinner ♪

♪ She'll schlep this stuff back to her house ♪

♪ She'll do it for her Jewish spouse ♪

♪ She'll schlep this stuff back to her house ♪

♪ I'll get drunk and lose my blouse ♪

♪ She'll schlep this stuff back to her house ♪

♪ And make a seder dinner ♪

♪ And make ♪

♪ A seder ♪

♪ Dinner. ♪

Molotov!

And everybody

in Howdy's just joined in singing and dancing?

That's how I remember it.

I swear to God.

My God and your God.

Burt, you got to see this!

Great news, bubeleh.

The RSVPs have been flooding in.

All our friends are

tickled pink you're gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.

Some think it's gonna be heartwarming.

Others think it's gonna be a train wreck.

Either way, they're coming to see what happens.

You invited all your friends?

Well, when you've waited over 40 years to see

your son become a man, you-you want to share it.

Oh...

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

No, no, I'm just practicing.

I got a lot of studying to do.

There's our taxi.

Well, we're on our way over

to the Silvermans for something called babke.

That's apparently Jewish for "dry cake."

Uh, I haven't had a healthy stool

since your mother changed religions.

Dad?

I can't do it, Jimmy.

I got too much to learn.

I haven't Schlemieled or Schlimazeled and I have

no idea what Hasenpfeffer Incorporated even makes.

I got to find a way out of this.

Uh, hey, maybe I can hide

in the attic till this whole thing blows over.

I'm not gonna let you give up, Dad.

- Did you let me quit T-ball when I wanted to? - Yes.

How about when I dropped out of high school?

I didn't say a word.

Okay, well, what about the time that I wanted to quit the thing

at the hotel at the airport that... what-what...

what was it? The seminar for enhancing your memory?

Yeah, I think that was it.

Look, the point is

I'm a quitter because my dad never taught me

how to follow through.

All right, if you never become a man

I'll never become a man.

Ah, forget it, Jimmy.

♪ Forget the times ♪

♪ You quit before ♪

♪ Now pick yourself ♪

♪ Up off the floor ♪

♪ Today's your day ♪

♪ Feel the burn ♪

♪ It's just your brain ♪

♪ Trying to learn ♪

♪ They're gonna lift you up high on a chair ♪

♪ While we sing and dance the hora ♪

♪ You're gonna know every word ♪

♪ You're gonna know all your prayers ♪

♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪

♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ Read these words as I unscroll it ♪

♪ Don't hold back ♪

♪ Just rock and roll it ♪

♪ Write your speech from the heart ♪

♪ 'Cause a mensch don't stop once he starts ♪

♪ They're gonna lift you up high on a chair ♪

♪ While we sing and dance the hora ♪

♪ You're gonna know every word ♪

♪ You're gonna know all your prayers ♪

♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪

♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪

Hey!

♪ You've got the dreams ♪

♪ Of a man ♪

♪ And it's all part ♪

♪ Of God's plan ♪

♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪

♪ High on a chair ♪

♪ While we sing and dance the hora ♪

♪ You're gonna know every word ♪

♪ You're gonna know all your prayers ♪

♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪

♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪

♪ High on a chair ♪

♪ While we sing and dance the hora ♪

♪ You're gonna know every word ♪

♪ You're gonna know all your prayers ♪

♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪

♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ C-Come on ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Gonna rock, rock, rock the Torah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. ♪

Some old lady told me to give this to you.

That's nice.

Hey, there's a couple hundred bucks in here.

It's Bar Mitzvah money.

It's the first major payday for a Jewish kid.

With sound investment strategy,

some people turn that into a nice little nest egg.

I'm getting a Jet Ski.

Why didn't my parents tell me about this?

They probably wanted you to do it for the right reasons.

You know, I thought I knew my parents.

Maybe I didn't give them enough credit.

What the hell are you guys doing?

We're just welcoming your guests, honey.

You got a card from the Bronsteins.

Oh.

Oh, dog with a "yar-mulkay."

Funny.

Where's the money?

We know you've been stealing.

We're not stealing anything.

It's our money.

Easy, honey, we've come too far.

What do you mean "come too far"?

Give me that money! Burt, stop it!

It's my money. I'm the one getting Bar Mitzvahed.

No, it's not, 'cause you're not really Jewish.

We made this whole thing up.

Oy vay.

What do you mean I'm not Jewish?

Okay.

This may sound a little bit selfish, but

we came up with this great idea to raise money for a cruise.

Would that be a cruise to hell?

Because I think that's where you two are going.

Look, Burt, for years

your father and I have been invited to weddings,

graduations, Bar Mitzvahs.

We've spent thousands of dollars on gifts

for our friends and their horrible children.

Oh, it's the Weinbergs.

Thank you for sharing our special day.

You see them?

Five kids-- they breed like they're Irish.

I mean, we laid out cash

for five Bar Mitzvahs, five graduations and five weddings.

And you never even had one.

This is a payback to us, son.

Please don't blow it for us.

Sounds like they're starting.

Oh, make us proud,

bubeleh.

Have a good Bar Mitzvah.

I can't believe I was trying to get

those schmendriks to like me.

You should go up there and expose

their whole meshugana scheme to everyone.

No.

This is still my Bar Mitzvah.

All these people came to hear me.

And for the first time in my life,

I'm gonna finish what I started.

So, I'd like to thank all of you for coming here

to share this special day with me.

But first,

I have something I have to say to my parents.

I haven't exactly had big events in my life

that were worthy of celebration.

And I know that, uh,

knocking up my high school girlfriend...

...and giving you a great-grandchild

whose mother is a serial killer,

aren't exactly reasons to rent out a hall

and have a chocolate fountain.

So...

I do this for you now.

I love you.

We're even.

And so we begin.

"Baruch atta adonai."

Uh...

moustache with a squiggly line, "H" with a tail.

"E-lo-hei-nu."

El, el, hey, you.

My dad may have struggled, but he didn't give up.

Even when the rabbi corrected every word he said

for over three hours.

L.O.L. It's like a marathon.

You don't have to win, the accomplishment is finishing.

And I've never been more proud of my dad.

That was amazing, Dad.

And to think, you did all that and you're not even Jewish.

I'm sorry.

Did you say he's not Jewish?

Funny story, Rabbi.

♪ My goyim parents told a little fib... ♪

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

You've wasted enough of my time.

Shalom, sir. But, Rabbi...

I said shalom.

Okay, the Jewish thing's officially over.

Everybody back to our house for some honey-glazed ham.

♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah! ♪

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com