Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Oh, yeah? Well, I checked my phone,

and I realized Lochlyn has been playing

"Words With Buddies," and she's beating my Uncle Dave.

It's no surprise-- her cranium measures in the 85th percentile.

I took out a ruler last night,

and it turns out that my little Jacqueline's face

is perfectly symmetrical.

Well, my Allister started doing the cutest thing-- watch this:

Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!

Come on!

Hold on, he'll do it.

Sabrina and I don't usually socialize

with other parents at the park, mostly because

we've found them annoying.

But today we were on a mission.

It all started a few weeks ago when we decided

to plan Hope's birthday party.

Wait a second, wait a second.

The package for the moon bounce, the invitations,

the goody bags, and the entertainment

is how much, exactly?

Are you kidding me?!

My wedding didn't cost that much.

Forget it.

Listen, if you want to plan an affordable party,

you got to stop calling

those fancy places that can afford Web sites,

and hit the local bulletin boards.

Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.

We used to find your babysitters at the bus station.

How many kids are coming?

Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.

Yeah, she's only three.

I don't blame you.

Finding kid friends before they start school

means you have to talk to the parents.

And all they want to talk about is their kids.

"My son walked at eight months."

"My son knows all his letters."

"My son has a friend.

You never heard us saying all that stuff.

Is that why I didn't have any friends growing up?

Because you guys couldn't stand the other parents?

Don't judge us-- you know you're doing the exact same thing.

Oh, my God. We really are.

At least we had an excuse.

We still believed Burt was gonna be a rock star.

We didn't need to embrace the whole parent lifestyle.

We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.

Hanging out with Foghat.

Driving sports cars into pools.

Yeah, we had big dreams.

But you didn't need any friends. You turned out fine.

Fine? I didn't say you turned out great.

I said you turned out fine.

It's a scale, Jimmy.

If you didn't have any friends, what'd you do?

I had to improvise.

What do you want to do?

I don't know. You can crumple up some paper

and throw it in my mouth.

Yeah: I guess we can do that again.

Hi, you, hi, you...

We got to get Hope some friends.

So here we are.

My Jacqueline can do that, too!

Jacqueline!

Do the Chinese dance!

Hey! If your kid likes to dance,

we're having a birthday party for Hope!

Yeah.

Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.

We did it!

We are so crushing this party.

We got food, entertainment,

even a moon bounce for almost nothing.

We should be party planners for poor people.

We'd make a fortune. I still can't believe people just leave

their broken piñata pieces in the park after their parties.

I know. Hope is gonna love Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-

purple-T-Rex-shortstop.

And since I've been here, with the support

of my counselors and my group...

I haven't touched the junk since.

Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.

We know that masturbation is a tough addiction to beat.

Check out TV's Tim Stack.

Talk about a lesson to get kids to stop masturbating.

Let's turn our attention now to former chart-topping rock star,

Smokey Floyd.

Hey, look at Smokey!

He looks great!

So, Smokey, can you tell us about the moment

you hit rock bottom? Well, dude,

it all started when I promised a fan I'd play a show for him.

I went crazy, and the video went viral on the Internet.

Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock," frickin' Floyd!

Burt, it's you!

I-I'm famous.

I'll bet, like, four billion people just saw that!

You know, I looked at myself in that video, and...

realized that I'd become a monster.

You know, a liver-spotted, turkey-necked monster.

So I went down to Mexico and got some plastic surgeries.

You know, they were so-so with the knife,

but real liberal with the painkillers.

Next thing I knew, I'm hooked

on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.

I'm told I burned my house down.

Let's take a look at Smokey's journey

over the last 30 days.

Oh!

Mm.

Which way to the stage?

♪ You with the sad heart

♪ Don't be discouraged

♪ You will realize

♪ It's hard to take courage

♪ In a world full of people

♪ You can lose sight of your own ♪

♪ And the darkness, ooh, inside you ♪

♪ Can make you feel so small

♪ And I see your true colors

♪ Shining through

♪ I see your true colors

♪ That's why I love you

♪ So don't be afraid

♪ To let them show

♪ Your true colors

♪ True colors...

♪ True colors

♪ They're shining through

♪ Your true colors.

Well, you've obviously come a long way,

and we couldn't be more excited

to hear your final pledge of sobriety.

Well, I-I believe in the adage:

"If you love something, set it free," you know?

Uh, which is why I'm setting free pills and alcohol.

But if they come back to me,

then I'll know they really love me.

Until then, I...

just want to say I'm sorry to all the people I hurt along the way.

I wrote all your names down on this list, and...

I'll be coming to apologize to you one by one.

Burt Chance, you're number 33 on my list:

"Robbed a Lawn Guy of the Smokey Floyd experience."

I'd like to stay with you for a week and make up for it.

Let's rock and roll!

Whoo!

Hey, Barney, thank you again for taking care of the cake.

Well, don't thank me yet.

There was a bit of an e-mail mix-up with the bakery.

I accidentally switched Hope's picture

with the one I use for my online

dating profile.

What? Oh.

Hey, everybody on those sites lies.

I once thought I was going out with a girl

who claimed she had the body of Kate Upton.

She was bald, and one of her legs had two knees.

Smokey, these are the hosts, our son Jimmy

and his wife Sabrina.

Let's get this party started.

Uh, no, thank you.

And, uh, c-could you possibly

not use the cocaine around the other parents?

'Cause we're just... trying to get our daughter some friends.

Well, from my experience, that usually helps you make friends.

But this is actually my lactose-intolerance pill.

I got to crush it up and snort it

so I don't re-trigger my addiction to pills.

So, how are you guys enjoying the rock-and-roll lifestyle?

It sucks. The only stones he has any stories about

are the ones in his kidneys. When you're young,

you see a rock star on TV, you dream about hanging out with him.

And then that dream finally comes true--

you spend your day watching the Weather Channel,

talking about compression socks.

I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation

while you still got it, kid.

Deep vein thrombosis is not as cool as it sounds.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Ooh, look, everybody-- it's Beauty and the Beast!

Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver. Yeah, for 20 bucks

and leftover cake, you don't get copyrighted characters.

Wait a minute, I thought you were hiring professionals,

not Andrew and his ex-wife Donna!

That's ex-ex-wife.

We're back together.

And they are professionals.

Yeah. Just because we've never done this before

and we haven't been paid doesn't mean we're not professionals.

Plus, I have always dreamed of being in show business,

so this act gives me a reason to not dump Andrew's ass again.

We couldn't be happier.

Look, I know he's four years old,

but he likes it and I like it.

Plus, I even use some of the leftovers

to make this nice, soft cheese

that he loves to put on crackers, so...

why stop breast-feeding now?

This party reminds you of some crazy,

wild stories, huh, Smokey?

I told you, I don't want to glorify that lifestyle, bro.

No second scoops, kid. Today it's two,

tomorrow it's three, and then the next thing you know,

you're behind the Roxy offering to suck Nikki Sixx's toes

for a scoop of heroin fudge ripple!

Sorry. That got a little personal.

Pizza Man.

Well... where's the rest of the pizza?

This is it.

We ordered two super jumbo pizzas.

These are super jumbo pizzas.

We've recently redefined our sizes.

We also have super duper jumbo

and super grande jumbo. But for a party this size,

you really should have ordered two "damn, that's too much pizza" pizzas.

All right, well... just take 'em in the kitchen

and cut 'em into a hundred pieces.

Hey, Pizza Man.

Hey, Smokey Floyd.

Oh, my God, that is so inappropriate.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I was just gonna... No,

you get to drink while I have to be sober

trying not to freak out the losers' three year old

is underneath her shirt going to town.

I know, right?

Come on, girl, hook a sister up.

We can get through this together. All right.

Hello.

Where would you like me to set up? Hello.

What is that?

I ordered a bounce house.

No, you ordered a moon bounce.

In what world do you get a bounce house for $17?

I guess I just thought you were an idiot.

There's a corner in the living room.

You got to preserve those precious memories.

Yep.

I tape all my son's parties.

Of course, I mainly do it

so I don't have to talk to any of the other annoying parents.

I ran out of tape half an hour ago.

Scott.

Jimmy.

Hey.

I just met the coolest dad.

You're kidding! I just met the coolest mom.

Man, I can't believe we found two.

This party's turning out to be great!

Okay, you've had your five jumps.

That was worth a ten-minute wait, right?

Oh, boo-hoo!

When I was your age, I was sewing soccer balls

for eight cents a day!

Let's go.

Aah.

That's scary.

We're losing 'em.

Quick, do "Gangnam Style."

I don't know it. Just do it!

Look! Gag-'em Style!

Whoo-hoo! Gag-'em Style!

Gag-'em Style!

Mom, Dad,

look, we've got a problem.

All right, the entertainment you guys booked sucks,

and everyone is gonna leave.

Okay, we can't work this party.

One of those little animals just dropped a dirty diaper

down the back of Andrew's costume,

and now he's in the shower crying,

which, as you can imagine, is a huge turn-on.

Excuse me, darling.

Would a tiny piece of pizza bring you joy?

I'm sorry...

was I being a crab, man?

I'm sorry.

I have to give you your money back.

Your American children are far too fat,

and they're stretching out my springs.

That trampoline is my only form of time income.

Great, now we don't even have the sucky entertainment.

What are we supposed to do now?

You guys got to fix this.

Smokey,

we need to ask you a giant favor.

Would you go out there

and play a song

at my granddaughter's third birthday party?

I'd be honored.

But I haven't played guitar sober

since I was 12.

I can play guitar.

That's fine, dude,

but I can't hit the high notes.

Never could. All the high notes on my album

were sung by a little Filipino boy named Dalawapo.

Oh, well, I can help with the singing.

Me, too, and Andrew and I

have a bunch of instruments,

And I've been known to wow on slide whistle.

I mean, we've never even played together.

I mean, how are we gonna keep time without a drummer?

One, two, three, four.

Hello, children of Natesville and their caretakers.

I'm Smokey Floyd.

Most of my songs are for adults

who are high on stuff,

but a few years back, I wrote a song

for a really stupid girl I was dating.

I think you all might like it.

Maybe learn a few things, too.

It's called "When You're Alone."

♪ When you're in the kitchen

♪ You've got to behave

♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪

♪ The knobs on the stove are hands-off, no doubt ♪

♪ And if you make toast, you don't use ♪

♪ A knife to fish it out

♪ When you're alone

♪ When you're home alone

♪ You got to stay safe when you're home all alone ♪

♪ When you're alone

♪ When you're home alone

♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪

♪ Or choke or burn the house down. ♪

We did it. We're rock stars.

This was awesome.

Must be what it feels like to be high on drugs.

Oh, not even close.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Hope

♪ Happy birthday to you...

Good night, Natesville. Thank you.

Sabrina, that band was amazing.

You guys aren't like the other parents; we should be friends.

You know, we were just saying the same thing.

Steph, Steph, we got an emergency.

Lochlyn was just holding another girl's hand,

and I'm all out of hand sanitizer.

We'll meet you in the car.

Come on, honey, come on.

Okay, come on.

Come on. See you guys around the park?

Yeah.

Oh, no, she's married to that jerk?

Well, we still have Scott.

Hopefully his wife is cool.

Scott, Scott, Scott,

my sister just e-mailed me a video

that is definitely the next dance craze.

I already taught Allister the first three steps.

Go ahead, buddy. Come on, Allister.

Do the dance.

Show daddy.

Hope doesn't need any kid friends, right?

Nope, she's gonna make friends in college.

That was the most amazing thing ever.

I'm so excited.

I can't stop bouncing.

I'm so excited you can't stop bouncing, too.

You know, there's kids parties this town

every weekend that need entertainment.

And you heard that crowd.

They loved us.

We could be huge.

Oh, we could be bigger than huge.

We could be the Winger of kid's music.

Geez...!

Which is why it's hard to do what I got to do.

Breaking up the band.

You can't do that.

I finally discovered my purpose in life

is not to run a food pantry for the homeless.

I was born to be a dancing beaver in a kid's band.

That set was so awesome!

That wasn't a set, bro.

You can't be awesome with one song.

Yeah, well, um, what about Francis Scott Key?

How many songs did she write?

I'm a concert cellist.

I can help write some songs.

And I can help him.

We could lock ourselves in a room

and not come out of there until our thighs ache.

That's the spirit, guys.

Guys, that's not how the music business works, all right?

Plus, we don't even have a manager.

Uh, I-I'll be your manager.

I was the equipment manager

for my high school marching band.

I didn't have what it took to play the triangle,

but the band director said I had chutzpa.

Guys, I'm done.

Smokey's rock and roll days are behind him.

Now I'm just an everyday schnook like you chump stains.

You said you'd put me on your list

because you denied me the Smokey Floyd experience.

Now you're doing it again to all of us.

You're gonna have to put all of us on your list.

Brother, at this rate,

you're never gonna finish crossing off that list.

And we're not the only ones who are gonna be disappointed.

A lot of people will be disappointed.

You know, I've never really been a big believer in karma.

Maybe that's why my life's been such a mess.

If you guys want to do this, I'm in.

We're getting the band back together.

♪ When you're in the kitchen

♪ You've got to behave

♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪

♪ The knobs on the stove are hands-off, no doubt ♪

♪ And if you make toast, you don't use a knife ♪

♪ To fish it out

♪ When you're alone, when you're home alone ♪

♪ You got to stay safe when you're home all alone ♪

♪ When you're alone

♪ When you're home alone

♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪

♪ Or choke or burn the house down ♪

♪ If you fall down and bump...

Before they knew it, the band

was getting offers all over.

They were a huge hit.

Mom and Dad were finally living the rock and roll fantasy

they dreamed of their whole life.

Living on the road, adoring fans, high fives.

They even had T-shirts.

♪ When you're home alone

♪ You got to stay safe when you're home all alone ♪

♪ When you're alone, when you're home alone... ♪

And Mom and dad got something even Foghat never had,

stars in the produce aisle

of their hometown grocery store.

You guys, you guys, you're not gonna believe it.

Someone who saw you at the Natesville East Diaper-palooza

e-mailed his rich uncle from Florida

a video of your performance, and he's flying us in

on his private jet.

Rock and roll!

This gig

is just the beginning.

You know how many billionaires

want to throw money at their kids

to make up for their divorces?

Fifty-two.

Uh, well I don't know the actual number.

Sixty-two.

Sure, let's go with 62.

We could've gone with 52.

I'm just saying, this could be

the most important kindergarten graduation party

of your lives.

We're living our dream, Virginia.

I know.

You can do anything you want in these private jets.

I put a knife inside this water bottle,

and nobody even said anything.

We should get hope a T-shirt

from every Rock and Roll Cafe we visit.

They might even put our name up on the wall.

Only this time, it won't be after the words,

"Do not accept checks from..."

Oh, snap, what was that?

We're flying into a dangerous storm.

The good news is I'm one of the most accomplished pilots

in all of Nigeria.

The bad news is

all controls are in English.

Rock and roll.

Whoo! Baby!

Ooh! Oh, my God.

Bert, I'm so scared.

Me, too. And we were almost famous.

Don't be afraid.

We have found a football field where we can land the plane,

unless they go into overtime.

Then we're going to shoot

for the miniature golf course.

Miniature golf course?

Maybe it's a regular golf course

that just looks tiny from up here.

If we don't make it,

maybe I never said this enough,

but I love all of you.

You guys are like family to me.

And if I took an extra dollar or two out of petty cash,

it's because, well, you guys don't pay me.

I hit a turtle with my car four years ago.

I just hit it and kept driving.

Not a day goes by that I don't see that cute little face.

My pet, Mr. Turtle, has been missing for roughly four years.

It was probably him.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay,

because I slept with your wife Donna.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Damn it!

Why the hell did we do this?

We had everything.

We had the perfect life.

I know, we made it to grandparents.

Now we'll never see Hope grow up to be something great,

like the first female astronaut.

We threw it all away, and for what?

Another rock star gone before his time.

Like Elvis or Buddy Holly or Adam Ant.

Adam Ant? He's still alive. I thought

he died in a helicopter crash with Billy Idol.

Also still alive.

I'm in the Witness Protection Program.

I've been sneaking drinks

these last couple weeks.

I used to be a stripper.

Oh, screw it.

I'm married to a man who's gay.

What? Just because I had

that dream about Bert

where he was a horse and I'm riding him bareback

doesn't mean I'm gay.

My therapist says that could mean any number of things.

Thank God above, we're alive!

We're gonna make it.

Sweet relief.

Smokey, this isn't for us.

What do you mean, dude?

As good as it sounds,

we can't travel the world on a jet with you.

We've realized we have a life in Natesville,

with our granddaughter, that's just too important

to miss out on.

So, thanks for giving us

a rock and roll experience, Smokey.

You can cross us off your list.

Turns out Bert and Virginia

didn't really want the rock and roll lifestyle

as much as they thought they did.

They realized their place was in Natesville,

raising their granddaughter.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com