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00:00:02,978 --> 00:00:11,374
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:13,717 --> 00:00:15,995
Oh, yeah? Well,
I checked my phone,
3
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:18,126
and I realized Lochlyn has been playing
4
00:00:18,144 --> 00:00:20,527
"Words With Buddies,"
and she's beating my Uncle Dave.
5
00:00:20,670 --> 00:00:24,139
It's no surprise-- her cranium
measures in the 85th percentile.
6
00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:26,041
I took out
a ruler last night,
7
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:27,979
and it turns out that
my little Jacqueline's face
8
00:00:28,011 --> 00:00:29,395
is perfectly symmetrical.
9
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:32,314
Well, my Allister started doing
the cutest thing-- watch this:
10
00:00:32,349 --> 00:00:35,518
Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!
11
00:00:35,552 --> 00:00:36,819
Come on!
12
00:00:36,853 --> 00:00:38,237
Hold on, he'll do it.
13
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:39,939
Sabrina and I
don't usually socialize
14
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,941
with other parents at the park,
mostly because
15
00:00:41,992 --> 00:00:43,075
we've found them annoying.
16
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,893
But today we were on a mission.
17
00:00:44,911 --> 00:00:47,413
It all started a few weeks ago
when we decided
18
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:49,081
to plan Hope's birthday party.
19
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,749
Wait a second, wait a second.
20
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,918
The package for the moon bounce,
the invitations,
21
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,587
the goody bags, and the entertainment
22
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,088
is how much, exactly?
23
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,374
Are you kidding me?!
24
00:00:58,408 --> 00:01:00,543
My wedding didn't cost that much.
25
00:01:00,577 --> 00:01:01,927
Forget it.
26
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,562
Listen, if you want to
plan an affordable party,
27
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,930
you got to stop calling
28
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,582
those fancy places that
can afford Web sites,
29
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,183
and hit the local bulletin boards.
30
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:10,135
Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.
31
00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:12,721
We used to find your
babysitters at the bus station.
32
00:01:13,756 --> 00:01:14,807
How many kids are coming?
33
00:01:14,858 --> 00:01:16,392
Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.
34
00:01:16,426 --> 00:01:17,393
Yeah, she's only three.
35
00:01:17,427 --> 00:01:18,811
I don't blame you.
36
00:01:18,862 --> 00:01:20,112
Finding kid friends
before they start school
37
00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:21,647
means you have to talk to the parents.
38
00:01:21,698 --> 00:01:23,599
And all they want
to talk about is their kids.
39
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,984
"My son walked
at eight months."
40
00:01:25,035 --> 00:01:26,795
"My son knows
all his letters."
41
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,454
"My son has a friend.
42
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,656
You never heard us
saying all that stuff.
43
00:01:30,707 --> 00:01:32,741
Is that why I didn't have
any friends growing up?
44
00:01:32,775 --> 00:01:34,776
Because you guys couldn't stand
the other parents?
45
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:37,296
Don't judge us-- you know you're
doing the exact same thing.
46
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,164
Oh, my God.
We really are.
47
00:01:39,215 --> 00:01:41,050
At least we had an excuse.
48
00:01:41,084 --> 00:01:43,469
We still believed Burt
was gonna be a rock star.
49
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:45,754
We didn't need to embrace
the whole parent lifestyle.
50
00:01:45,788 --> 00:01:47,756
We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.
51
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:49,258
Hanging out with Foghat.
52
00:01:49,292 --> 00:01:51,260
Driving sports cars into pools.
53
00:01:51,294 --> 00:01:53,512
Yeah, we had big dreams.
54
00:01:53,563 --> 00:01:55,481
But you didn't need any friends.
You turned out fine.
55
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,316
Fine?
I didn't say you turned out great.
56
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:58,300
I said you turned out fine.
57
00:01:58,318 --> 00:01:59,518
It's a scale, Jimmy.
58
00:01:59,569 --> 00:02:01,520
If you didn't have any
friends, what'd you do?
59
00:02:01,571 --> 00:02:04,139
I had to improvise.
60
00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:05,941
What do you want to do?
61
00:02:05,975 --> 00:02:09,028
I don't know.
You can crumple up some paper
62
00:02:09,079 --> 00:02:10,863
and throw it in my mouth.
63
00:02:10,914 --> 00:02:14,166
Yeah: I guess
we can do that again.
64
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,367
Hi, you, hi, you...
65
00:02:15,418 --> 00:02:17,186
We got to get Hope some friends.
66
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,338
So here we are.
67
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,323
My Jacqueline can do that, too!
68
00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:22,625
Jacqueline!
69
00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:24,960
Do the Chinese dance!
70
00:02:24,994 --> 00:02:27,513
Hey! If your kid likes to dance,
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00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:30,549
we're having a birthday party for Hope!
72
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,251
Yeah.
73
00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:36,388
Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.
74
00:02:36,439 --> 00:02:37,723
We did it!
75
00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:39,975
We are so crushing this party.
76
00:02:40,009 --> 00:02:41,560
We got food, entertainment,
77
00:02:41,611 --> 00:02:43,896
even a moon bounce for almost nothing.
78
00:02:43,947 --> 00:02:45,898
We should be party
planners for poor people.
79
00:02:45,949 --> 00:02:49,017
We'd make a fortune.
I still can't believe people just leave
80
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,687
their broken piñata pieces in
the park after their parties.
81
00:02:51,721 --> 00:02:54,440
I know. Hope is gonna love
Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-
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00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:56,308
purple-T-Rex-shortstop.
83
00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:00,546
And since I've been here,
with the support
84
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,614
of my counselors and my group...
85
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:05,818
I haven't touched the junk since.
86
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,553
Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.
87
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,822
We know that masturbation
is a tough addiction to beat.
88
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,991
Check out TV's Tim Stack.
89
00:03:12,042 --> 00:03:14,960
Talk about a lesson to get kids
to stop masturbating.
90
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,612
Let's turn our attention now to
former chart-topping rock star,
91
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:18,914
Smokey Floyd.
92
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,219
Hey, look at Smokey!
93
00:03:24,254 --> 00:03:25,337
He looks great!
94
00:03:25,388 --> 00:03:28,640
So, Smokey, can you tell us
about the moment
95
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,926
you hit rock bottom?
Well, dude,
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00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,396
it all started when I promised
a fan I'd play a show for him.
97
00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:37,983
I went crazy, and the video
went viral on the Internet.
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00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:41,487
Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock,"
frickin' Floyd!
99
00:03:45,775 --> 00:03:47,359
Burt, it's you!
100
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:49,878
I-I'm famous.
101
00:03:49,913 --> 00:03:52,347
I'll bet, like, four billion
people just saw that!
102
00:03:52,382 --> 00:03:55,200
You know, I looked at myself
in that video, and...
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00:03:55,251 --> 00:03:57,036
realized that I'd become a monster.
104
00:03:57,087 --> 00:04:00,506
You know, a liver-spotted,
turkey-necked monster.
105
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,542
So I went down to Mexico and
got some plastic surgeries.
106
00:04:03,593 --> 00:04:05,827
You know, they were
so-so with the knife,
107
00:04:05,845 --> 00:04:07,880
but real liberal with the painkillers.
108
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,431
Next thing I knew, I'm hooked
109
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:13,168
on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.
110
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,804
I'm told I burned my house down.
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00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:17,339
Let's take a look
at Smokey's journey
112
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,058
over the last 30 days.
113
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,844
Oh!
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00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,196
Mm.
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00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:26,548
Which way to the stage?
116
00:04:28,718 --> 00:04:32,588
♪ You with the sad heart
117
00:04:32,622 --> 00:04:34,073
♪ Don't be discouraged
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00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:37,376
♪ You will realize
119
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:40,629
♪ It's hard to take courage
120
00:04:40,663 --> 00:04:43,382
♪ In a world full of people
121
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:46,001
♪ You can lose sight of your own ♪
122
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,754
♪ And the darkness, ooh, inside you ♪
123
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,190
♪ Can make you feel so small
124
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:54,560
♪ And I see your true colors
125
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,678
♪ Shining through
126
00:04:56,712 --> 00:05:00,265
♪ I see your true colors
127
00:05:00,316 --> 00:05:02,851
♪ That's why I love you
128
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,571
♪ So don't be afraid
129
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,490
♪ To let them show
130
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:11,743
♪ Your true colors
131
00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:14,246
♪ True colors...
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00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,565
♪ True colors
133
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,034
♪ They're shining through
134
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:22,788
♪ Your true colors.
135
00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,623
Well, you've obviously come a long way,
136
00:05:24,674 --> 00:05:26,258
and we couldn't be more excited
137
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,677
to hear your final pledge of sobriety.
138
00:05:28,711 --> 00:05:30,512
Well, I-I believe
in the adage:
139
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,581
"If you love something,
set it free," you know?
140
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,883
Uh, which is why I'm
setting free pills and alcohol.
141
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,468
But if they come back to me,
142
00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:38,220
then I'll know they really love me.
143
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,938
Until then, I...
144
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,691
just want to say I'm sorry to all
the people I hurt along the way.
145
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:45,970
I wrote all your names down
on this list, and...
146
00:05:46,004 --> 00:05:48,639
I'll be coming to apologize
to you one by one.
147
00:05:54,597 --> 00:05:57,858
Burt Chance, you're
number 33 on my list:
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00:05:57,978 --> 00:06:00,667
"Robbed a Lawn Guy
of the Smokey Floyd experience."
149
00:06:00,787 --> 00:06:03,021
I'd like to stay with you
for a week and make up for it.
150
00:06:04,807 --> 00:06:06,975
Let's rock and roll!
151
00:06:06,993 --> 00:06:08,277
Whoo!
152
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:17,200
Hey, Barney, thank you again
for taking care of the cake.
153
00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:18,211
Well, don't thank me yet.
154
00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:20,498
There was a bit of an e-mail
mix-up with the bakery.
155
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:21,699
I accidentally switched Hope's picture
156
00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:23,501
with the one I use for my online
157
00:06:23,536 --> 00:06:26,337
dating profile.
158
00:06:26,372 --> 00:06:28,089
What?
Oh.
159
00:06:28,124 --> 00:06:29,507
Hey, everybody on those sites lies.
160
00:06:29,542 --> 00:06:31,242
I once thought I was
going out with a girl
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00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,409
who claimed she had
the body of Kate Upton.
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00:06:32,529 --> 00:06:34,963
She was bald, and one of
her legs had two knees.
163
00:06:36,382 --> 00:06:40,101
Smokey, these are the
hosts, our son Jimmy
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00:06:40,136 --> 00:06:41,302
and his wife Sabrina.
165
00:06:41,353 --> 00:06:42,854
Let's get this party started.
166
00:06:42,888 --> 00:06:43,972
Uh, no, thank you.
167
00:06:44,023 --> 00:06:45,273
And, uh, c-could
you possibly
168
00:06:45,307 --> 00:06:47,308
not use the cocaine
around the other parents?
169
00:06:47,359 --> 00:06:50,395
'Cause we're just... trying to
get our daughter some friends.
170
00:06:50,429 --> 00:06:52,897
Well, from my experience, that
usually helps you make friends.
171
00:06:52,931 --> 00:06:54,599
But this is actually
my lactose-intolerance pill.
172
00:06:54,617 --> 00:06:56,534
I got to crush it up and snort it
173
00:06:56,569 --> 00:06:59,204
so I don't re-trigger
my addiction to pills.
174
00:06:59,238 --> 00:07:03,491
So, how are you guys enjoying
the rock-and-roll lifestyle?
175
00:07:03,542 --> 00:07:06,127
It sucks. The only stones
he has any stories about
176
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:08,413
are the ones in his kidneys.
When you're young,
177
00:07:08,447 --> 00:07:11,282
you see a rock star on TV, you
dream about hanging out with him.
178
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,134
And then that dream
finally comes true--
179
00:07:13,169 --> 00:07:15,286
you spend your day
watching the Weather Channel,
180
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,138
talking about compression socks.
181
00:07:19,091 --> 00:07:21,142
I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation
182
00:07:21,177 --> 00:07:23,144
while you still got it, kid.
183
00:07:23,179 --> 00:07:26,431
Deep vein thrombosis
is not as cool as it sounds.
184
00:07:29,468 --> 00:07:31,802
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
185
00:07:31,821 --> 00:07:34,355
Ooh, look, everybody--
it's Beauty and the Beast!
186
00:07:34,406 --> 00:07:37,141
Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver.
Yeah, for 20 bucks
187
00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:40,028
and leftover cake, you don't get
copyrighted characters.
188
00:07:40,079 --> 00:07:42,980
Wait a minute, I thought
you were hiring professionals,
189
00:07:42,998 --> 00:07:45,333
not Andrew
and his ex-wife Donna!
190
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:46,817
That's ex-ex-wife.
191
00:07:46,836 --> 00:07:48,002
We're back together.
192
00:07:48,037 --> 00:07:50,505
And they are professionals.
193
00:07:50,539 --> 00:07:52,423
Yeah. Just because
we've never done this before
194
00:07:52,458 --> 00:07:55,710
and we haven't been paid doesn't
mean we're not professionals.
195
00:07:55,761 --> 00:07:57,881
Plus, I have always dreamed
of being in show business,
196
00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:00,965
so this act gives me a reason
to not dump Andrew's ass again.
197
00:08:00,999 --> 00:08:03,000
We couldn't be happier.
198
00:08:04,303 --> 00:08:06,471
Look, I know he's four years old,
199
00:08:06,505 --> 00:08:08,439
but he likes it and I like it.
200
00:08:08,474 --> 00:08:10,391
Plus, I even use some of the leftovers
201
00:08:10,442 --> 00:08:12,193
to make this nice, soft cheese
202
00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:14,529
that he loves to put on crackers, so...
203
00:08:14,563 --> 00:08:16,180
why stop breast-feeding now?
204
00:08:20,202 --> 00:08:21,903
This party reminds you of some crazy,
205
00:08:21,954 --> 00:08:23,571
wild stories, huh, Smokey?
206
00:08:23,622 --> 00:08:27,375
I told you, I don't want to
glorify that lifestyle, bro.
207
00:08:27,409 --> 00:08:30,194
No second scoops, kid.
Today it's two,
208
00:08:30,212 --> 00:08:32,630
tomorrow it's three, and then
the next thing you know,
209
00:08:32,665 --> 00:08:35,383
you're behind the Roxy offering
to suck Nikki Sixx's toes
210
00:08:35,417 --> 00:08:37,552
for a scoop of heroin fudge ripple!
211
00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:40,722
Sorry. That got
a little personal.
212
00:08:42,808 --> 00:08:44,709
Pizza Man.
213
00:08:44,727 --> 00:08:47,044
Well... where's the
rest of the pizza?
214
00:08:47,062 --> 00:08:48,396
This is it.
215
00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:51,599
We ordered two super jumbo pizzas.
216
00:08:51,650 --> 00:08:53,434
These are super jumbo pizzas.
217
00:08:53,485 --> 00:08:55,520
We've recently redefined our sizes.
218
00:08:55,554 --> 00:08:57,071
We also have super duper jumbo
219
00:08:57,106 --> 00:08:59,440
and super grande jumbo.
But for a party this size,
220
00:08:59,491 --> 00:09:02,694
you really should have ordered two
"damn, that's too much pizza" pizzas.
221
00:09:02,728 --> 00:09:04,913
All right, well... just
take 'em in the kitchen
222
00:09:04,947 --> 00:09:06,698
and cut 'em into a hundred pieces.
223
00:09:09,251 --> 00:09:10,335
Hey, Pizza Man.
224
00:09:10,369 --> 00:09:11,786
Hey, Smokey Floyd.
225
00:09:22,464 --> 00:09:24,915
Oh, my God, that is so inappropriate.
226
00:09:24,934 --> 00:09:27,251
Oh, no, no, no. I-I was just gonna...
No,
227
00:09:27,269 --> 00:09:29,554
you get to drink while
I have to be sober
228
00:09:29,588 --> 00:09:31,422
trying not to freak out
the losers' three year old
229
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,141
is underneath her shirt going to town.
230
00:09:33,192 --> 00:09:34,976
I know, right?
231
00:09:35,027 --> 00:09:36,811
Come on, girl, hook a sister up.
232
00:09:36,862 --> 00:09:38,613
We can get through this together.
All right.
233
00:09:39,982 --> 00:09:41,283
Hello.
234
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:45,069
Where would you like me to set up?
Hello.
235
00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:47,080
What is that?
236
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,573
I ordered a bounce house.
237
00:09:48,607 --> 00:09:51,542
No, you ordered a moon bounce.
238
00:09:51,577 --> 00:09:54,746
In what world do you get
a bounce house for $17?
239
00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:57,098
I guess I just thought
you were an idiot.
240
00:09:57,132 --> 00:09:58,949
There's a corner in the living room.
241
00:10:04,506 --> 00:10:06,290
You got to preserve
those precious memories.
242
00:10:06,308 --> 00:10:08,009
Yep.
243
00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:10,094
I tape all my son's parties.
244
00:10:10,128 --> 00:10:11,646
Of course, I mainly do it
245
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,182
so I don't have to talk to any
of the other annoying parents.
246
00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:16,818
I ran out of tape half an hour ago.
247
00:10:16,852 --> 00:10:18,319
Scott.
248
00:10:19,355 --> 00:10:21,138
Jimmy.
249
00:10:21,156 --> 00:10:22,139
Hey.
250
00:10:22,157 --> 00:10:23,775
I just met the coolest dad.
251
00:10:23,809 --> 00:10:25,777
You're kidding!
I just met the coolest mom.
252
00:10:25,811 --> 00:10:27,945
Man, I can't believe we found two.
253
00:10:27,979 --> 00:10:29,781
This party's turning out to be great!
254
00:10:29,815 --> 00:10:31,816
Okay, you've had your five jumps.
255
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:33,618
That was worth a
ten-minute wait, right?
256
00:10:33,652 --> 00:10:35,152
Oh, boo-hoo!
257
00:10:35,170 --> 00:10:37,076
When I was your age,
I was sewing soccer balls
258
00:10:37,196 --> 00:10:38,840
for eight cents a day!
259
00:10:42,044 --> 00:10:43,544
Let's go.
260
00:10:45,997 --> 00:10:47,181
Aah.
261
00:10:47,216 --> 00:10:48,683
That's scary.
262
00:10:48,717 --> 00:10:51,841
We're losing 'em.
263
00:10:51,961 --> 00:10:53,504
Quick, do "Gangnam Style."
264
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,339
I don't know it.
Just do it!
265
00:10:56,842 --> 00:10:58,359
Look! Gag-'em Style!
266
00:10:58,394 --> 00:10:59,560
Whoo-hoo!
Gag-'em Style!
267
00:10:59,611 --> 00:11:01,813
Gag-'em Style!
268
00:11:04,199 --> 00:11:05,450
Mom, Dad,
269
00:11:05,484 --> 00:11:06,951
look, we've got a problem.
270
00:11:06,985 --> 00:11:09,019
All right, the entertainment
you guys booked sucks,
271
00:11:09,038 --> 00:11:10,371
and everyone is gonna leave.
272
00:11:10,406 --> 00:11:12,707
Okay, we can't work this party.
273
00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:14,625
One of those little animals
just dropped a dirty diaper
274
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:16,026
down the back of Andrew's costume,
275
00:11:16,045 --> 00:11:17,462
and now he's in the shower crying,
276
00:11:17,496 --> 00:11:20,248
which, as you can imagine,
is a huge turn-on.
277
00:11:20,299 --> 00:11:22,199
Excuse me, darling.
278
00:11:22,217 --> 00:11:25,202
Would a tiny piece of pizza
bring you joy?
279
00:11:25,220 --> 00:11:26,838
I'm sorry...
280
00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:30,207
was I being a crab, man?
281
00:11:31,209 --> 00:11:32,209
I'm sorry.
282
00:11:32,227 --> 00:11:33,544
I have to give you your money back.
283
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,513
Your American children are far too fat,
284
00:11:35,547 --> 00:11:37,098
and they're stretching out my springs.
285
00:11:37,149 --> 00:11:39,400
That trampoline is my only form of
time income.
286
00:11:39,435 --> 00:11:42,219
Great, now we don't even have
the sucky entertainment.
287
00:11:42,237 --> 00:11:43,604
What are we supposed to do now?
288
00:11:43,655 --> 00:11:44,906
You guys got to fix this.
289
00:11:47,409 --> 00:11:48,743
Smokey,
290
00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:53,281
we need to ask you a giant favor.
291
00:11:53,315 --> 00:11:54,398
Would you go out there
292
00:11:54,416 --> 00:11:56,167
and play a song
293
00:11:56,201 --> 00:11:58,186
at my granddaughter's third
birthday party?
294
00:12:00,005 --> 00:12:01,756
I'd be honored.
295
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:04,074
But I haven't played guitar sober
296
00:12:04,093 --> 00:12:05,209
since I was 12.
297
00:12:05,243 --> 00:12:06,243
I can play guitar.
298
00:12:06,261 --> 00:12:07,962
That's fine, dude,
299
00:12:08,013 --> 00:12:09,514
but I can't hit the high notes.
300
00:12:09,548 --> 00:12:11,766
Never could.
All the high notes on my album
301
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,084
were sung by a little
Filipino boy named Dalawapo.
302
00:12:14,103 --> 00:12:17,087
Oh, well, I can help with the singing.
303
00:12:17,106 --> 00:12:18,473
Me, too, and Andrew and I
304
00:12:18,524 --> 00:12:21,559
have a bunch of instruments,
305
00:12:21,593 --> 00:12:23,427
And I've been known to wow
on slide whistle.
306
00:12:23,445 --> 00:12:25,062
I mean, we've never
even played together.
307
00:12:25,096 --> 00:12:27,281
I mean, how are we gonna
keep time without a drummer?
308
00:12:27,316 --> 00:12:29,484
One, two, three, four.
309
00:12:30,470 --> 00:12:32,818
Hello, children of Natesville
and their caretakers.
310
00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,155
I'm Smokey Floyd.
311
00:12:34,206 --> 00:12:36,073
Most of my songs are for adults
312
00:12:36,107 --> 00:12:37,441
who are high on stuff,
313
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:39,443
but a few years back, I wrote a song
314
00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:41,746
for a really stupid girl I was dating.
315
00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:42,797
I think you all might like it.
316
00:12:42,831 --> 00:12:44,632
Maybe learn a few things, too.
317
00:12:44,666 --> 00:12:45,633
It's called "When You're Alone."
318
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:47,418
♪ When you're in the kitchen
319
00:12:47,452 --> 00:12:49,504
♪ You've got to behave
320
00:12:49,555 --> 00:12:53,474
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
321
00:12:53,509 --> 00:12:56,811
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
322
00:12:56,845 --> 00:12:59,630
♪ And if you make toast, you don't use ♪
323
00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:01,599
♪ A knife to fish it out
324
00:13:01,633 --> 00:13:03,467
♪ When you're alone
325
00:13:03,485 --> 00:13:05,469
♪ When you're home alone
326
00:13:05,487 --> 00:13:09,273
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
327
00:13:09,307 --> 00:13:10,641
♪ When you're alone
328
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:13,143
♪ When you're home alone
329
00:13:13,162 --> 00:13:16,614
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
330
00:13:16,648 --> 00:13:19,450
♪ Or choke
or burn the house down. ♪
331
00:13:20,502 --> 00:13:22,653
We did it. We're rock stars.
332
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:23,955
This was awesome.
333
00:13:23,989 --> 00:13:26,040
Must be what it feels like
to be high on drugs.
334
00:13:26,091 --> 00:13:27,157
Oh, not even close.
335
00:13:31,697 --> 00:13:35,266
♪ Happy birthday, dear Hope
336
00:13:35,284 --> 00:13:39,404
♪ Happy birthday to you...
337
00:13:42,124 --> 00:13:44,808
Good night, Natesville.
Thank you.
338
00:13:44,928 --> 00:13:47,329
Sabrina, that band was amazing.
339
00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:50,216
You guys aren't like the other
parents; we should be friends.
340
00:13:50,267 --> 00:13:52,027
You know, we were just saying
the same thing.
341
00:13:52,052 --> 00:13:54,336
Steph, Steph, we got an emergency.
342
00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:56,138
Lochlyn was just holding
another girl's hand,
343
00:13:56,172 --> 00:13:58,057
and I'm all out of hand sanitizer.
344
00:13:58,108 --> 00:13:59,308
We'll meet you in the car.
345
00:13:59,342 --> 00:14:00,393
Come on, honey, come on.
346
00:14:00,444 --> 00:14:01,527
Okay, come on.
347
00:14:01,562 --> 00:14:03,345
Come on.
See you guys around the park?
348
00:14:04,698 --> 00:14:06,032
Yeah.
349
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:08,150
Oh, no, she's married to that jerk?
350
00:14:08,184 --> 00:14:09,735
Well, we still have Scott.
351
00:14:09,786 --> 00:14:11,320
Hopefully his wife is cool.
352
00:14:11,354 --> 00:14:12,955
Scott, Scott, Scott,
353
00:14:12,990 --> 00:14:14,624
my sister just
e-mailed me a video
354
00:14:14,658 --> 00:14:16,626
that is definitely the next dance craze.
355
00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:18,540
I already taught Allister
the first three steps.
356
00:14:18,545 --> 00:14:19,912
Go ahead, buddy.
Come on, Allister.
357
00:14:19,963 --> 00:14:22,248
Do the dance.
358
00:14:22,299 --> 00:14:23,516
Show daddy.
359
00:14:23,550 --> 00:14:25,418
Hope doesn't need any
kid friends, right?
360
00:14:25,452 --> 00:14:27,053
Nope, she's gonna make friends
in college.
361
00:14:27,087 --> 00:14:30,228
That was the most amazing thing ever.
362
00:14:30,348 --> 00:14:31,257
I'm so excited.
363
00:14:31,308 --> 00:14:32,758
I can't stop bouncing.
364
00:14:32,809 --> 00:14:35,761
I'm so excited
you can't stop bouncing, too.
365
00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:38,213
You know, there's kids parties this town
366
00:14:38,232 --> 00:14:39,599
every weekend that need entertainment.
367
00:14:39,650 --> 00:14:40,883
And you heard that crowd.
368
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,401
They loved us.
369
00:14:42,436 --> 00:14:43,552
We could be huge.
370
00:14:43,570 --> 00:14:45,354
Oh, we could be bigger than huge.
371
00:14:45,388 --> 00:14:47,723
We could be the Winger of kid's music.
372
00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:49,575
Geez...!
373
00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:51,610
Which is why it's hard to do
what I got to do.
374
00:14:51,856 --> 00:14:53,076
Breaking up the band.
375
00:14:53,497 --> 00:14:55,469
You can't do that.
376
00:14:55,589 --> 00:14:57,533
I finally discovered my purpose in life
377
00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:59,952
is not to run a food pantry
for the homeless.
378
00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:03,238
I was born to be a dancing
beaver in a kid's band.
379
00:15:03,257 --> 00:15:04,957
That set was so awesome!
380
00:15:05,008 --> 00:15:06,408
That wasn't a set, bro.
381
00:15:06,426 --> 00:15:08,094
You can't be awesome with one song.
382
00:15:08,128 --> 00:15:11,344
Yeah, well, um,
what about Francis Scott Key?
383
00:15:11,464 --> 00:15:12,798
How many songs did she write?
384
00:15:12,849 --> 00:15:14,267
I'm a concert cellist.
385
00:15:14,301 --> 00:15:15,718
I can help write some songs.
386
00:15:15,752 --> 00:15:17,186
And I can help him.
387
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,805
We could lock ourselves in a room
388
00:15:19,856 --> 00:15:23,425
and not come out of there
until our thighs ache.
389
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:27,229
That's the spirit, guys.
390
00:15:27,263 --> 00:15:29,740
Guys, that's not how the music
business works, all right?
391
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:31,593
Plus, we don't even have a manager.
392
00:15:31,611 --> 00:15:33,446
Uh, I-I'll be your manager.
393
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,897
I was the equipment manager
394
00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,398
for my high school marching band.
395
00:15:36,432 --> 00:15:38,267
I didn't have what it took
to play the triangle,
396
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,985
but the band director said
I had chutzpa.
397
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:42,422
Guys, I'm done.
398
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,907
Smokey's rock and roll days
are behind him.
399
00:15:44,941 --> 00:15:48,661
Now I'm just an everyday schnook
like you chump stains.
400
00:15:48,712 --> 00:15:50,379
You said you'd put me on your list
401
00:15:50,413 --> 00:15:53,165
because you denied me
the Smokey Floyd experience.
402
00:15:53,216 --> 00:15:55,875
Now you're doing it again to all of us.
403
00:15:55,995 --> 00:15:58,521
You're gonna have to put
all of us on your list.
404
00:15:58,555 --> 00:16:00,389
Brother, at this rate,
405
00:16:00,423 --> 00:16:02,658
you're never gonna finish
crossing off that list.
406
00:16:02,692 --> 00:16:05,494
And we're not the only ones
who are gonna be disappointed.
407
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:08,197
A lot of people will be disappointed.
408
00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,773
You know, I've never really been
a big believer in karma.
409
00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:20,493
Maybe that's why my life's been
such a mess.
410
00:16:20,527 --> 00:16:23,696
If you guys want to do this, I'm in.
411
00:16:25,379 --> 00:16:27,616
We're getting the band back together.
412
00:16:30,670 --> 00:16:32,654
♪ When you're in the kitchen
413
00:16:32,672 --> 00:16:34,323
♪ You've got to behave
414
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:38,377
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
415
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:41,964
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
416
00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:44,550
♪ And if you make toast,
you don't use a knife ♪
417
00:16:44,601 --> 00:16:47,069
♪ To fish it out
418
00:16:47,103 --> 00:16:49,605
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone ♪
419
00:16:49,623 --> 00:16:53,775
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
420
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,995
♪ When you're alone
421
00:16:56,046 --> 00:16:57,830
♪ When you're home alone
422
00:16:57,881 --> 00:17:01,116
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
423
00:17:01,134 --> 00:17:04,003
♪ Or choke or burn the house down ♪
424
00:17:04,054 --> 00:17:05,504
♪ If you fall down and bump...
425
00:17:05,932 --> 00:17:07,933
Before they knew it, the band
426
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:09,218
was getting offers all over.
427
00:17:09,269 --> 00:17:10,936
They were a huge hit.
428
00:17:10,971 --> 00:17:14,139
Mom and Dad were finally living
the rock and roll fantasy
429
00:17:14,173 --> 00:17:15,724
they dreamed of their whole life.
430
00:17:15,775 --> 00:17:19,645
Living on the road,
adoring fans, high fives.
431
00:17:19,679 --> 00:17:21,063
They even had T-shirts.
432
00:17:21,114 --> 00:17:23,699
♪ When you're home alone
433
00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:28,737
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
434
00:17:28,788 --> 00:17:30,623
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone... ♪
435
00:17:30,657 --> 00:17:33,075
And Mom and dad got something
even Foghat never had,
436
00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:35,494
stars in the produce aisle
437
00:17:35,528 --> 00:17:37,997
of their hometown grocery store.
438
00:17:38,031 --> 00:17:40,165
You guys, you guys,
you're not gonna believe it.
439
00:17:40,199 --> 00:17:42,301
Someone who saw you at the
Natesville East Diaper-palooza
440
00:17:42,335 --> 00:17:43,702
e-mailed his rich uncle
from Florida
441
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,888
a video of your performance,
and he's flying us in
442
00:17:45,922 --> 00:17:47,339
on his private jet.
443
00:17:47,373 --> 00:17:48,340
Rock and roll!
444
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:51,197
This gig
445
00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:52,244
is just the beginning.
446
00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:53,453
You know how many billionaires
447
00:17:53,487 --> 00:17:54,787
want to throw money at their kids
448
00:17:54,822 --> 00:17:56,122
to make up for their divorces?
449
00:17:56,156 --> 00:17:57,323
Fifty-two.
450
00:17:57,374 --> 00:17:58,541
Uh, well I don't know the actual number.
451
00:17:58,575 --> 00:17:59,876
Sixty-two.
452
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,043
Sure, let's go with 62.
453
00:18:01,078 --> 00:18:02,444
We could've gone with 52.
454
00:18:02,463 --> 00:18:03,713
I'm just saying, this could be
455
00:18:03,747 --> 00:18:05,281
the most important
kindergarten graduation party
456
00:18:05,299 --> 00:18:06,833
of your lives.
457
00:18:08,752 --> 00:18:10,086
We're living our dream, Virginia.
458
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,504
I know.
459
00:18:11,555 --> 00:18:13,956
You can do anything you want
in these private jets.
460
00:18:13,974 --> 00:18:15,725
I put a knife inside this water bottle,
461
00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:17,343
and nobody even said anything.
462
00:18:17,394 --> 00:18:18,528
We should get hope a T-shirt
463
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:19,812
from every Rock and Roll Cafe we visit.
464
00:18:19,847 --> 00:18:22,131
They might even put our
name up on the wall.
465
00:18:22,149 --> 00:18:23,900
Only this time,
it won't be after the words,
466
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:25,485
"Do not accept checks from..."
467
00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:29,405
Oh, snap, what was that?
468
00:18:29,439 --> 00:18:32,191
We're flying into a dangerous storm.
469
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:34,827
The good news is I'm one
of the most accomplished pilots
470
00:18:34,862 --> 00:18:36,145
in all of Nigeria.
471
00:18:37,030 --> 00:18:38,281
The bad news is
472
00:18:38,315 --> 00:18:40,032
all controls are in English.
473
00:18:43,287 --> 00:18:45,254
Rock and roll.
474
00:18:48,425 --> 00:18:50,259
Whoo! Baby!
475
00:18:57,089 --> 00:18:58,339
Ooh! Oh, my God.
476
00:18:58,373 --> 00:18:59,707
Bert, I'm so scared.
477
00:18:59,741 --> 00:19:02,042
Me, too.
And we were almost famous.
478
00:19:02,076 --> 00:19:04,178
Don't be afraid.
479
00:19:04,212 --> 00:19:06,931
We have found a football field
where we can land the plane,
480
00:19:06,965 --> 00:19:08,916
unless they go into overtime.
481
00:19:10,102 --> 00:19:11,251
Then we're going to shoot
482
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:12,470
for the miniature golf course.
483
00:19:12,521 --> 00:19:13,804
Miniature golf course?
484
00:19:13,855 --> 00:19:15,189
Maybe it's a regular golf course
485
00:19:15,223 --> 00:19:16,974
that just looks tiny from up here.
486
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,643
If we don't make it,
487
00:19:19,694 --> 00:19:22,062
maybe I never said this enough,
488
00:19:22,096 --> 00:19:23,230
but I love all of you.
489
00:19:23,264 --> 00:19:25,065
You guys are like family to me.
490
00:19:25,099 --> 00:19:27,618
And if I took an extra dollar
or two out of petty cash,
491
00:19:27,652 --> 00:19:29,603
it's because, well,
you guys don't pay me.
492
00:19:29,621 --> 00:19:32,540
I hit a turtle with my car
four years ago.
493
00:19:32,574 --> 00:19:34,658
I just hit it and kept driving.
494
00:19:34,709 --> 00:19:38,612
Not a day goes by that I don't
see that cute little face.
495
00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:41,415
My pet, Mr. Turtle, has been
missing for roughly four years.
496
00:19:41,449 --> 00:19:42,616
It was probably him.
497
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:44,001
I'm sorry.
498
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,219
Oh, that's okay,
499
00:19:45,253 --> 00:19:46,420
because I slept with your wife Donna.
500
00:19:48,390 --> 00:19:49,890
Me, too.
501
00:19:49,925 --> 00:19:50,624
Me, too.
502
00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:51,675
Damn it!
503
00:19:51,726 --> 00:19:53,260
Why the hell did we do this?
504
00:19:53,294 --> 00:19:54,678
We had everything.
505
00:19:54,729 --> 00:19:56,296
We had the perfect life.
506
00:19:56,314 --> 00:19:58,682
I know, we made it to grandparents.
507
00:19:58,733 --> 00:20:01,936
Now we'll never see Hope grow up
to be something great,
508
00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:05,072
like the first female astronaut.
509
00:20:05,106 --> 00:20:07,474
We threw it all away, and for what?
510
00:20:07,492 --> 00:20:09,360
Another rock star gone before his time.
511
00:20:09,411 --> 00:20:12,279
Like Elvis or Buddy Holly or Adam Ant.
512
00:20:12,313 --> 00:20:14,281
Adam Ant? He's still alive.
I thought
513
00:20:14,315 --> 00:20:16,183
he died in a helicopter crash
with Billy Idol.
514
00:20:16,217 --> 00:20:17,768
Also still alive.
515
00:20:19,437 --> 00:20:21,572
I'm in the Witness Protection Program.
516
00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:23,657
I've been sneaking drinks
517
00:20:23,692 --> 00:20:26,277
these last couple weeks.
518
00:20:26,328 --> 00:20:27,862
I used to be a stripper.
519
00:20:27,896 --> 00:20:29,246
Oh, screw it.
520
00:20:29,281 --> 00:20:30,748
I'm married to a man who's gay.
521
00:20:30,782 --> 00:20:32,566
What?
Just because I had
522
00:20:32,584 --> 00:20:34,234
that dream about Bert
523
00:20:34,252 --> 00:20:36,287
where he was a horse
and I'm riding him bareback
524
00:20:36,338 --> 00:20:37,905
doesn't mean I'm gay.
525
00:20:37,923 --> 00:20:40,741
My therapist says that could
mean any number of things.
526
00:20:46,464 --> 00:20:48,799
Thank God above, we're alive!
527
00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:50,417
We're gonna make it.
528
00:20:50,435 --> 00:20:51,552
Sweet relief.
529
00:20:58,092 --> 00:21:01,261
Smokey, this isn't for us.
530
00:21:01,279 --> 00:21:02,813
What do you mean, dude?
531
00:21:02,864 --> 00:21:04,481
As good as it sounds,
532
00:21:04,532 --> 00:21:06,600
we can't travel the
world on a jet with you.
533
00:21:06,618 --> 00:21:09,111
We've realized we have a life
in Natesville,
534
00:21:09,231 --> 00:21:11,238
with our granddaughter,
that's just too important
535
00:21:11,272 --> 00:21:12,573
to miss out on.
536
00:21:13,329 --> 00:21:14,379
So, thanks for giving us
537
00:21:14,430 --> 00:21:16,098
a rock and roll experience, Smokey.
538
00:21:16,132 --> 00:21:18,333
You can cross us off your list.
539
00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:23,805
Turns out Bert and Virginia
540
00:21:23,839 --> 00:21:25,340
didn't really want
the rock and roll lifestyle
541
00:21:25,358 --> 00:21:27,776
as much as they thought they did.
542
00:21:27,810 --> 00:21:29,344
They realized their place was
in Natesville,
543
00:21:29,362 --> 00:21:31,129
raising their granddaughter.
544
00:21:31,784 --> 00:21:42,086
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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