Original subtitles

Come on, buddy.

It doesn't have to end badly.

Just trying to get you out safe.

Ah...

Are you still trying to catch that fly?

Just kill it.

Flies carry deadly diseases.

Why do you think there's a "no-fly zone"

over the White House?

I can't kill it.

It's the one thing I've got.

Nobody else in high school

lived up to their potential.

Kevin Kinlan, voted "Most likely to succeed"?

In prison for embezzlement.

John Zachary, voted "Most athletic"?

Now he weighs 400 pounds.

He hasn't seen his feet or his penis since the '90s.

I was the guy voted "Least likely to hurt a fly."

I'm not going to blow it

and wind up like the rest of those losers.

Oh, and those awards mean so much.

I was voted "Most sarcastic."

Those geniuses really nailed that one.

I got him!

Virginia, I got him!

Go home.

Hug your wife and kiss your maggots.

Today you live!

No!

Wow.

That is gonna be a slow, slow death.

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Wait, wait, wait! Don't!

- Hey, don't... - Oh...

Who is she?!

Who is who?!

And where did you get that golf club?

- We don't even golf! - I got it

- in case you ever Tiger Woods'd me. - No,

I was sleepwalking, all right?

I used to sleepwalk as a kid

when-when I slept in strange places,

and now it's-it's happening again.

Oh, Jimmy, that's terrible.

We got to figure out how to fix this.

What did your parents do?

Well, they got me a dog collar

and they put all my information on the tag.

Of course they did. The store must have been out of leeches.

No, no, we got all our leeches from a guy my dad knows,

and I'm pretty sure they only work on chicken pox.

Oh.

The door to the microwave broke.

Here.

Oh. I think we need to buy a new microwave.

No, no. It's okay. I think I have

a microwave in all my stuff.

It doesn't work, but the door's still on.

We can just swap it out.

All your stuff? You got rid of all your stuff

when you stopped hoarding.

You told me you stopped hoarding.

I did.

Tell you that.

I can't believe you lied and told me you stopped hoarding.

I haven't gambled once since I quit.

I bet you $1,000 there's a bunch of other stuff

- you're not telling me. - Why is this open?

Seriously. I bet you. Right now.

Step away from the locker!

No, no, it's okay. This is our stuff.

Not anymore. You didn't pay your rent.

We're just airing out the contents

before we put it up for auction.

Hold on there.

A working grandmother

goes without paying for 24 months

and you just take all her stuff?

Romney!

He lost, Burt.

- Obama! - Look,

I don't know what to tell you. If you want your stuff back,

you owe $700. Other than that, it goes to the highest bidder.

Hey! Hey!

Just because you have every right to take our stuff

and I don't have any argument against it

doesn't mean I'm done talking to you, buddy!

Excuse me. If we could just talk about this...

Oh, my God, look.

It's Creepy the Clown.

Years ago, we had a creepy clown doll

that used to freak Jimmy out.

Jimmy.

It was hilarious.

We didn't just torture Jimmy with it.

We also used it to keep him out of danger.

And while some things could shock him for a second,

other things could scar him for life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

We don't have the money for that much therapy.

So we needed to hide the tape in a place

we knew Jimmy would never look.

It was a perfect hiding place

until Maw Maw decided to donate stuff

to the church rummage sale.

And that was the last time

we ever saw that creepy-looking clown.

Ouch! Ouch!

Is this unit up for auction?

They're all up for bid Saturday morning.

We've got to get our sex tape out of that clown's ass.

I bet nobody's ever said that before.

- You ready? - Yeah.

- What do you think? - I think

America's about to elect a terrorist as a vice president

if somebody doesn't start listening to Claire Danes.

Oh,

you mean your sleep apnea mask.

If it prevents you from sleepwalking,

I think it's great.

I think I look like a fighter pilot.

You get to pretend you're sleeping

with Tom Cruise tonight.

- Ooh. Okay. - Maybe get

into a little "risky business."

Is there any way I can prevent you

from ruining my Homeland marathon

by making bad Tom Cruise references all night?

That's a "mission impossible."

Get ready for "the firm."

'Cause I'm about to make it "rain...

...man."

Aw, not again!

Yo!

What are you doing?

The guy at the storage space

said those auctions go up to 500 bucks.

So if we want to get

our sex tape back,

we need to make some quick cash,

and I'm willing to try anything.

Which is something whoever gets that tape is gonna find out.

But you can't sell the van.

Why not? Jimmy and Sabrina have a new car.

I have a car, you have your work truck.

Maw Maw won this scooter in a poker game with Mrs. Peables.

Even after the stroke, she still doesn't have

much of a poker face.

I know we don't need the van, but...

it's like a part of the family.

It has so many special memories.

If there was a Tongue Hall of Fame, Burt, you'd be in it.

And-and if there was a Tongue Nobel Prize,

you'd have a whole shelf full.

Ah, that's it!

I can't listen to this tape anymore.

It's been stuck

in there since I bought the van.

Ah.

Not again.

I can't do it.

We're not selling the van.

You're gonna have to find something else to sell.

Hmm, clarity in the hooves.

Perfectly symmetrical snout holes.

Only the tiny hands of a scared Chinese child

can achieve that craftsmanship.

But I don't see the one you know I want.

I brought you everything I have.

This is all I've got.

I've been to your house, Virginia.

I want your Swiney Todd, the Demon Butcher of Meat Street,

wanted for multiple ham-icides.

The worst-selling character in Pigurine history, and thus...

the rarest.

Fine.

I'll sell it to you.

But just so you know,

I consider this highway hoggery.

H-Hoggery. I got it. I got it.

I just came up with that.

Where you been?

Operation Steal Our Microwave Door successful.

All right, we're gonna start the bidding at five dollars.

Somebody give me five, somebody give me five.

I got five right there. Anybody with six?

- Six! - Six dollars. Can I get seven?

- Seven! - Seven, I got seven. I got seven.

- $20! - $20! Right over there, $20...

Frank, what the hell?

Look, I don't know why you want this locker,

but I'll make you a deal. 21!

You let us win this locker,

we'll give you everything inside except for that

cute little clown doll for Hope.

You can keep the doll,

but I get to keep the sex tape inside.

Oh, I know.

_

What's going on there?

Yeah, my mom's selling some of her Pigurines

to bid on a storage unit that has her sex tape in it.

- $100! - I got $100 right there!

$125!

- $200! - $300!

- $400! - $400 right there!

What? - I know how much Jimmy makes at the grocery store.

- Where'd you get that kind of money? - I won 800 bucks

coming in second place at a demolition derby.

My Pacer is totaled.

Look. If you care about me as a friend at all...

$450! You won't do this.

Okay, fine. I'll make you a deal.

$475! You can keep the tape,

but I would like to rent it on occasion.

$480! Okay, but just once.

$485! Go on.

You have to watch it at our house,

and you have to keep your pants on. $490!

No rewinds, no copies, no pauses.

$495! One pause, eight seconds long.

- Fine! - Deal!

- $500! - $500! $500 going once...

$500 going twice...

- sold, $500! Come on in. - Yes!

What? There's no hole!

Oh, my God!

I just sold my Pigurines and blew $500

on the wrong stuffed clown that doesn't have our sex tape in it.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

I'm sure this happens to people all the time.

I don't know if exercising is gonna be the answer

to my sleepwalking, and plus, I kind of feel ridiculous.

Yeah, well, last night you walked through town

in your boxer shorts and my fuzzy slippers, so...

I think this is worth a shot.

Hey.

Either your parents are having a yard sale

or your house finally threw up.

Yeah, talk about a lot of stuff I don't need.

I already got

the wolf blanket, I got that same bikini poster girl...

Wait a second.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, your mother's having a yard sale

so she can buy back her Pigurines.

I'm selling all the stuff we got

from that storage unit we won

along with some of your crap.

You just can't sell my stuff!

This is 100% authentic bathtub gin

passed down to me by my great aunt, Blind Lizzy,

to her daughter, Blind Betty, and then finally her sons,

Blind Barry and Sightless Sam, who spoke the recipe to me.

Ten bucks a jar,

'cause this is probably the last batch I can make

'cause my eyes aren't what they used to be.

Thank you.

How much for this photo album?

Two dollars.

I don't want the pictures.

Looking at other people's memories makes me sad.

Sorry, we got this stuff from somebody else's storage space.

Huh. That's actually a pretty cute baby right there.

Wow, what a happy family.

He looks so peaceful sleeping in his bassinet.

Hey... it's that one right there.

And there he is learning to ride that bike!

Are you gonna sell me the book or narrate every photo?

This album's not for sale.

There's a family out there

who would love to have these wonderful memories.

You can go buy some of my son's crap over there.

What are you doing?

Virginia, we can't sell this stuff,

It's not ours.

The people in these pictures are gonna want it back.

This is the history of their courtship and their marriage...

and their underwater birth.

Oh, scratch that.

They're just went snorkeling with a baby sea otter.

Well, I need money to get my Pigurines back.

Fine. I'll sell the van.

Well, the shocks still work.

Now all I need is some good-looking friends and a talking dog

and my mystery-solving business is up and running.

I'm gonna miss her.

If you want, I can pick you up

every now and then and take you for a ride.

No. I think that'll just confuse the van.

Jimmy?

I can't believe you sold the van for strangers,

but when I wanted to get the tape back to keep my dignity,

you wouldn't even listen.

I only sold it to help you buy back

your precious Pigurines.

I told you that, but you don't listen to me.

I don't listen to you?

You don't listen to me.

I'm not listening to this.

- Hey. - Hi.

We found a bunch of mail with this address on it

in an old storage unit and we're trying to find out

who it belongs to so we can return all their stuff.

Burt! Virginia! I know who you are.

Christine, get over here!

Hi.

Oh.

It's Burt and Virginia.

How do you know us?

From your sex tape.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

That's exactly how she says it on the tape! - I know!

I know.

Burt, I almost didn't recognize you

with your contemporary hairstyle.

Virginia, have you kept up with contemporary grooming trends?

I'm a little uncomfortable

with how comfortable you two are with us.

Oh, no, it's just that we've seen your tape

like, a thousand times.

Yeah, you said that... like, 2,000 times.

I remember the day we got it.

We were getting ready to move

into my brother-in-law's guest house

and we bought a bunch of things at the church rummage sale,

but we got more than we paid for.

I wasn't really a sex tape kind of guy,

but we'd been fighting and I thought,

hey, this might shake us out of our rut.

I've never seen anything like this.

Why don't we ever role play as a maid and a yard guy

doing it in an old haunted house?

Your tape was heaven-sent.

We watched it almost every night.

Yeah, we even started showing it to our sons, Dominic and Logan.

What?!

I hope, for your kids' sake, they're blind and deaf.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not, it's not like that.

No, Jimmy, um, edited out all the sex parts.

You guys had such an amazing relationship

that we took a triple-X and made it into a "G"

so we could use it as a teaching tool for relationships.

Check it out.

Compassion.

Oh, no, no, Burt.

It flew over back by the door.

Come here, buddy. I'm not gonna hurt you.

It's all about catch and release.

Come... aww...

Come here.

I got him! I got him!

I love how nice you are

to all of God's creatures.

I could never hurt a fly.

Understanding.

You got, like, 12 alarm clocks under the bed.

I don't know.

I just keep buying them just in case.

You don't think I'm, like,

one of those crazy hoarders, do you?

No.

No, you're just being prepared.

I imagine one day, of us is going to have a job

that'll require us to be somewhere on time.

Listening.

I think it's your turn to start

'cause I ripped off your clothes last time.

Oh, speaking of rip-offs,

the Johnsons told me they want to change landscapers today

after I trimmed all their trees.

I spent hours trying to nail the branches back on,

then I just gave up and I peed in the pool.

Oh, it's for the best.

Those people treated you like crap,

they never paid you on time,

and I could always hear the stress in your voice

every time you went over there.

This landscaping thing is only temporary.

Your rock band is about to take off.

Oh, my God.

Burt, do you believe that?

I know.

I thought we were the only ones who still had a VCR.

Me, too!

God, I'm so glad to hear that's what you were thinking.

I feel like we've been so out of sync

the last couple of weeks.

It's like we lost something, but I'm not sure what.

Well, if I had to pick three things out of thin air,

I'd say compassion,

understanding and maybe listening.

No, Burt, you know what it is?

It's listening,

and I'm sorry if I haven't been.

Me, too.

No, no, no.

We are not filming a sequel here, weirdoes.

And we want our sex tape back.

No. You can't. We need it.

I thought we were friends.

We barely know you.

How 'bout we buy it from you?

- No way. - Eight hundred.

Deal. I'll get my checkbook.

Virginia, what are you doing?

I want to get your van back

and sacrifice for you the way you sacrificed for me

to get my Pigurines back.

Could you stop staring at me?

I know your mind's blown meeting "Virginia from the sex tape,"

but you're making me feel self-conscious.

Actually, um, I was just,

I was wondering about that-that mole that you have

on your left butt cheek.

Did you ever get that checked out?

We have to go.

Okay.

That's it! That's it!

I got it!

Whoa. Hey, what's going on?

Mmm,

I had to figure this out.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

I knew there had to be an answer to this mystery

and I just wasn't going to sleep

until I figured it out.

Jimmy, you have been sleepwalking your whole life.

I'm not gonna let that happen again.

So I asked myself,

what do all your sleepwalks have in common?

The red pins are where you've been falling asleep,

and the blue pins are where you've been waking up.

So if you extend this line,

you'll see that you've been walking

towards the same place, okay?

This is your Mecca.

This is your homeland,

the Chance residence.

Yeah, but just now, I woke up

in the dining room.

That's where your stuff is.

Oh, yeah!

That's right!

Why doesn't anybody ever believe me?!

I believe you, I believe you,

but I will say, you were a lot more fun

when your favorite show was Californication.

People like to say, "home is where the heart is,"

but I kind of think home is where your stuff is.

You sure you don't mind

me putting all my old junk in this room?

It's our room.

Plus, I still have my old college bulletin board

and I got lots of my old stuff.

Just look in the closet.

Ahhhhhhh!

Your parents were right.

That's hilarious.

Turns out I wasn't the only one

who had an emotional attachment to their stuff.

Oh.

Don't worry.

We never have to discuss how he drove you.

And some people just can't get enough

of other people's stuff.

Mostly, I was really glad

to have all that sleepwalking behind me...

until I found out it was hereditary.

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com