Original subtitles

Tom. I would like you

to redesign our

Parks Department logo.

Sounds cool so far.

Re-think our visual brand.

Take these words and

make something amazing.

So, you're saying

you want me

to choose a new font?

Yes, essentially,

I'd like you to

choose a new font.

Jerry. I am making you

my number two guy

on the new font project.

Come on. That's too close.

Let's make him

our number three.

Fair enough.

Jerry, you're number three.

There's only two of us.

He has been

in this department

a long time.

I think maybe you could

learn something from him.

Our research shows

that our park will draw

5,000 visitors a year.

And I want this to

be the most amazing,

awe-inspiring, fun-filled

park ever conceived.

Now, how big

is the park, exactly?

It is point-zero-zero-zero

zero-zero-three square miles.

Recently, the last remaining

telephone booths in Pawnee

were torn down.

And on that patch of concrete,

I am creating Pawnee's

newest tourist attraction,

the Smallest Park in Indiana.

The title is currently held by

Martin Luther King,

Junior, Park in Terryville.

But guess what,

Terryville sucks old car tires

and so does Martin Luther...

No. He does not

suck old car tires.

He was one of

the greatest men in history.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I get competitive.

Has there been

any resistance

from the community?

No. Not at all.

It's so small,

we don't even need

to do an Environmental

Impact Report.

It's inexpensive,

it benefits the town.

It's a total slam dunk.

You two, when you work

on a project together,

are simply amazing.

Great job, team.

Man. All these classes

look amazing.

I can't choose.

They do this thing

called a "shopping period,"

where you can just sample

as many classes as you want.

Really?

Yeah.

Sports and Society.

Physical Science.

A crash course?

Yeah, but it's not

what you think.

Oh, I did not

graduate college because

I did not "attend it."

But I'm trying

to improve myself,

so I'm going to start

by taking just one class.

If you're going to take

a college course, Andrew,

you should

explore a new subject.

Broaden your horizons.

Yeah.

Horizons are dumb.

Never broaden your horizons.

Yep.

Just take something

you're great at

and get an easy A.

No offense, Ron,

but April's way

sounds way easier.

Guitar for beginners.

I value a good education.

So, I don't want to see Andy

waste his time in college.

Of all my coworkers,

he is one of a small number

whom I do not

actively root against.

There I go,

getting all sappy.

Hey.

So, I have about

nine things I need

to talk to you about.

The first is

the ribbon cutting ceremony.

Do you know

who's bringing scissors?

Because I cannot

tell you how many

ceremonies get derailed

when people

don't bring scissors.

Right.

Number two...

Listen. I'm actually

glad you're here.

Oh, yeah?

After this project finishes,

I'm going to focus

on other departments

and cut down my time

with Parks and Rec.

What?

Well, look.

I mean, we tried

hanging out together.

We tried working together.

And it just bums me out.

No, no, no.

See, we're just

working out the kinks.

You don't need

to decrease

your time with me.

In fact, you need

to increase

your time with me.

You need to spend

more time with me.

That make sense?

I think it does.

No. Leslie.

No. Listen to me.

After the

smallest park wraps up,

I am going to ask Chris

to take over all

Parks and Rec business.

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I need to

ascertain the whereabouts

of some oversized

ceremonial scissors.

Those are my

pens and pencils.

Okay. Now, see, I think

that Comic Sans

always screams fun. Right?

But, man, those R's in

Helvetica, they're just,

you know like,

really popping for me.

I've never been more

bored in my entire life.

Who cares about letters?

The only good font

is the Sopranos one,

where the R is a pistol.

Let's think bigger, people.

Come on.

What about

a top-to-bottom makeover

for the entire department?

I'm talking new uniforms,

new signage,

new color scheme.

A whole new, sexy vibe.

I don't know.

This really isn't what

Chris asked us to do.

You know what?

Maybe we should just

stick to the assignment.

Cool, Jerry.

I'd take your advice

if I wanted to be a dead-eyed

government drone

with no ambition.

Yes. Technically,

my new job is my old job.

But I'm not some boring

Jerry Gergich-type guy.

I'm more of a Steve Harvey.

I dream big,

I shake things up,

and I always wear dope suits.

Okay. Can anyone tell me

what this is called?

That's a fret.

Yeah.

And the little thing

you've got right there?

It's called a capo.

It changes the key.

Maybe you should be

in the advanced class?

Yeah, maybe I should.

Dude, dumb it down.

But I couldn't possibly,

because I'm just a beginner.

I barely haven't even

ever seen a gor-tar.

Okay. We will be

working on basic chords

for the first four weeks.

Oh, my God. Four weeks?

I'm already bored.

Of course you are.

You're not

challenging yourself.

I suggest we sample

a few more classes.

Fine.

Very good.

Goodbye, everybody.

Guess what.

I was secretly

an undercover rock star

this whole time.

For what it's worth,

I think you would make

an incredible brunette.

Ron Swanson.

I mean,

he's not even attending

the ribbon cutting ceremony

of a park that

we made together.

I'm sorry, Leslie.

I'm just freaking out.

The only thing

we have left is work.

And now, he doesn't want

to work together anymore?

What does that all mean?

I think you know

what it means.

Yeah.

I should just drag out

that tiny park project

for as long as possible

so Ben and I can

keep working together.

That's almost exactly

the opposite of what I meant.

No, what I'll do is I'll get

the neighborhood all riled up.

And then, maybe

they'll ask for an

Environmental Impact Report.

And then, Ben and I

will work together

for at least another year.

Leslie, for God's sakes.

Good idea, Ann.

No, Ann.

Please, I beg of you.

Will you just shut

your beautiful pie hole?

Just sit there.

Let me stare at you,

while you silently

support me

on this game plan.

Leslie. Leslie!

Ann.

Your quiet support

means the world to me.

As well as your

tacit endorsement

of all my behaviors.

As a mature, reasonable adult,

I understand that this

will be the last project

that Ben and I are

working on together.

So, please join us

for the grand opening

of Pawnee's smallest park

on November 12th, 2070.

Thank you for coming

to this very important

and what I suspect

will be lengthy meeting.

The proposed park

is very small,

but we believe we need

to investigate every detail.

So, if anyone has

any questions for me

or Assistant City Manager

Ben Wyatt, go right ahead.

Hi. I have a question

about this project.

Oh, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's the fire?

Let's get to know

each other first.

Tell me about

your childhood.

Is there going to be

basketball there?

Basketball courts

attract undesirables

to my community.

Well, there's barely room

for an actual basketball,

much less a court.

Because there is

a definite type of person

I associate with basketball,

and I'd rather not have

that type of person nearby.

Don't worry.

You don't need to worry.

Okay, I'll just come

right out and say it.

I'll tell you what type...

You don't have to do that.

...of person I don't like.

No, no, no.

I think we get it.

Yep, we do, Rose.

And you bring up

a very good point.

Intolerance.

Can we be doing more?

I'd like to hear

from each and

every one of you

about a time

when prejudice has

touched your lives.

Hello, everyone.

My name is

Professor Barnes.

The class I'll be

teaching this semester

is Introduction to Lasers.

The word laser stands for

Light Amplification

by Stimulated

Emission of Radiation.

Where are the lasers?

This graphic here

represents the

electromagnetic spectrum,

arranged from

low frequency...

He's not even using

a laser pointer.

He's right.

This class stinks.

Stick with it.

You might learn something.

Excuse me. Professor?

Hi, there. Andy Dwyer.

Curious.

When will you be

bringing out the lasers

for me to play with?

And will we start

with the small lasers

or could we go just

straight to the big lasers,

in terms of playing with them?

We won't be using

actual lasers in this course.

It's about the theory

that makes them possible.

One of the most

significant bummers

of my lifetime.

First up,

a personal favorite.

The Sopranos option.

Now, I guarantee you

anyone that sees this logo

is not going to

forget about it.

This is our current

community center.

This is our new

community center!

That's right.

It looks like

an Apple Store.

Today I'm a

Beverly Hills

plastic surgeon.

And the Parks Department

is a wrinkly old

housewife in her early 30s.

I'm about to work a miracle.

Thank you, ma'am.

What a story. Anyone else?

Anyone. This gentleman

wants to say something.

No, I don't.

Come on, Mel.

You're always

up in arms about something.

No, I'm not. I'm not

always up in arms

about something.

Here we go.

That's the spirit.

Talk to me about

what's bothering you.

Okay. That will do it.

Thanks, everybody.

I once hosted a forum

about a new bike rack

that lasted seven hours.

Now, when I need

these people to complain,

they're done in 45 minutes?

Check it out. You can

get credit for playing

intramural Frisbee Golf.

Okay. You can take

a class on the Civil War.

Why would I

take a class on something

that's already happened?

Look, you guys have

already had your say.

Now, I want to

try something

that I want to try.

And I'm going to

make my choice,

as I always do, at random.

As she was

burned at the stake,

Joan of Arc did not cower.

She did not beg for mercy.

She said in a

strong, clear voice,

"I am not afraid.

I was born to do this."

I want to be

burned at the stake.

Many societal institutions

were established

solely to oppress women.

To this day, some feminists

have even condemned marriage

as a glorified

form of slavery.

Amen.

That class was awesome.

I wholeheartedly agree.

If that woman weren't

so violently

opposed to marriage,

I think I would

propose to her.

Well, then, it's decided.

Andy Dwyer will be

taking Women's Lasers.

Women's Studies.

Sorry. God, I cannot stop

thinking about lasers.

Women's Studies.

Is there such thing

as Women's Lasers?

That would be my

number one pick.

Excuse me.

What the heck is

going on here?

Just preparing for

the grand opening

of this tiny but

very intrusive park.

We were told this would

have very little impact

on the neighborhood.

This flier lists

hundreds of events.

There are fireworks

every night at midnight?

They start at midnight.

Who knows when

they're going to end?

Look, I don't even know

the impact of this park,

because the city skipped an

Environmental Impact Report.

So, we don't know

about traffic problems

or sound or lights or crime.

I mean, it's all a mystery.

Don't you work

for the government?

I do, Joe.

Yeah, that's how I know just

how high this conspiracy goes.

What can we do about it?

I'm glad you asked.

I have some ideas.

These are our

current park rangers.

What are they up to?

No one cares.

They're boring

and I hate them.

But coming this spring

to the Style Network,

Ranger Reality Show.

I'm sorry, Tom, but,

Chris, he just wanted us

to choose a new font.

I mean, really,

you've gone way off track.

Well, guess what, Jerry.

I'm a dreamer. Okay?

I dream big. Deal with it.

Tom.

Weekends are for dreaming.

You are a government worker.

This is a government job.

Plus, isn't

dreaming big exactly

what got you in trouble

with your old company?

Hey. Where are you going, Joe?

Bathroom break?

No. Get back over there.

I'll find you

a bottle or something.

Where did all of

these people come from?

And why did they

turn so quickly

on this project?

Well, you know how it goes.

It only takes one nut job

to get people riled up.

I hate to say this,

but I think we're

going to have to do

that Environmental

Impact Report.

They are

explicitly demanding it.

Hey, everybody? Listen up.

In response to

your complaints,

we are canceling

all of these

disruptive events.

This park is just going

to be a quiet patch of

grass, harming nobody.

Everybody cool?

Yeah.

Great.

Dream Team!

Actually, Chris,

I know you think

that we're a dream team.

Dream Team!

Yeah. But we're not.

You see, Leslie, here,

is a team of one.

And that might be

a very good team.

But she kind of steamrolls

the rest of her team,

me, to do

whatever she wants,

regardless of how the

rest of her team, me, feels.

So, I don't think

we should work

together anymore.

Wow. That was

very hard to hear.

So many negative words.

I just need

to process this.

Okay, the Dream Team is dead.

But you guys

had a great run.

Oh, and the park is open.

Yay.

Ha-ha!

Good job with that.

Hello, ma'am,

who is just as

equal as men.

I would like

one ticket for Women.

He would like to register

for Women's Studies.

Okay. Here's the

registration form.

And we'll need a check

or money order for $940.

Why?

Why didn't you tell me

it was so expensive?

I didn't know.

My parents pay

for my classes.

I'll just have them

pay for yours, too.

No. God, no.

That's embarrassing. I know.

I'm going to beg for

money on the street

like a drug addict.

No.

Yep.

Oh, my God.

Everything in my life

is going wrong right now.

Whose fault is this?

I demand to know.

Actually...

Ben thinks that

I'm a steamroller?

That's unbelievable.

How dare he think

that I'm a steamroller?

Leslie, I'm just

telling you this

because I love you.

I know. He's just going

through a phase right now.

And eventually,

we're going to

both be friends again.

No, what I was

going to say is

that you really are...

Working too hard. I know.

Ann, you keep starting

all these sentences and not...

You're a steamroller!

You are a massive,

enormous, runaway

steamroller, with no brakes

and a cement brick

on the gas pedal.

You made me watch all eight

Harry Potter movies.

I don't even

like Harry Potter.

That's insane.

You love Harry Potter.

You've seen all eight movies.

When we go out to a bar,

you order my drinks for me.

Because you order white wine

and it gives you a headache.

Well, it's my headache.

Leslie, you do

what you want,

you ignore what

other people want,

and you hear only

what you want to hear.

Okay. I know.

I know I do this.

I'm the worst.

No, you're very passionate.

You just push

too hard sometimes.

Well, then, you should

call me a bulldozer

rather than a steamroller.

I'm sorry.

It's going to be okay.

Is it?

Honestly. Is it?

I mean, I guess

I just need

to leave Ben alone.

That's what

he says he wants.

Okay.

Well, this steamroller

is hanging up her...

The roll-y thing on

the front of the machine.

What do you,

what do you call that?

Roller?

Probably. Okay.

Got you a little

pick-me-up, Tommy.

A triple-decker

ham-and-cheese

from the cafeteria.

Always makes me

feel better.

Two pathetic guys,

eating pathetic sandwiches.

Sounds terrific.

I guess I'm Jerry now.

After work,

I'll just go home,

straight to my

boring house,

kiss my wife,

and have

a home-cooked meal

with my three

beautiful daughters.

What a miserable life.

I have been here, well,

30-some years.

And the best way

to cope with this job

is to do everything

the exact same way every day.

Heck, I still use

my original ID card

from my first day

on the job.

Check this out.

Oh, my God.

I've got to go.

Put my sammie in the fridge.

Mouse Rat CD. $30.

Candy bars. $50. $50.

God, people here

are so cheap.

April,

where have you been?

Over two phone calls

came in unimpeded.

We're raising money

for my college education, Ron.

I took a second job,

back at my old job.

Do you want

a shoe shine?

It's $100.

Laugh all you want, Kyle.

I already took the money

out of your wallet.

Oh.

Good news, son.

You have just won

a Ron Swanson scholarship.

I don't think so.

I don't remember

applying for that.

No, Andy.

Ron Swanson scholarship.

Wait. Are you serious?

Stop this.

No.

Stop or you lose the money.

Why not?

I like the kid,

and I have the money.

One thing I promised myself

when I buried

gold in my backyard

was that

I'd never be a hoarder

or a miser about it.

Okay. Is this Health

Department business

or Leslie business?

You need to go

talk to her.

Why? So she can

force me to spend time

with her again? No.

No way. I'm done talking.

Listen, I know she can be

strong-willed and difficult.

Okay? She once made me

eat an entire cheesecake

at a potluck

so she didn't look bad.

But I really think

she's ready to listen.

You ate

an entire cheesecake?

Why didn't you

just throw it away?

Because with everything

she's done for me,

I would eat

10 cheesecakes for her.

Also, PS,

it was delicious and amazing,

like everything she does.

Will you please just

talk to her for my sake?

I don't have

unlimited texting,

and when she can't

talk to you, she texts me.

So, we take the

old logo from the 1970s

and we make

limited-edition hats,

posters, T-shirts, everything.

People love limited editions.

Plus, parents will

get swept up

in the nostalgia

and want to

go to the parks

to recreate the fun

they had growing up.

This is amazing.

It is possibly

the best idea

anyone has had

in this government

in 100 years.

Tom, terrific.

Thanks. But most

of the credit goes to

my number four, Jerry.

He shared some

words of wisdom

with me today.

And while he was

yammering on about whatever,

I happened to see

his old ID card.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hi.

I wasn't sure

you were going to come.

Well, I got very curious

when you only left me

one voicemail message

instead of your usual 20.

I'm trying to be

a little less intense and

a little more considerate.

Here, have a seat.

But only if you want to.

Okay. I want to.

I never listened

to what you wanted

or how you wanted us to be

when things ended between us.

I just decided what I wanted,

and I got upset

when you didn't

want the same thing.

I know that's not fair,

and I'm very sorry.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate that.

If you don't want

to have any more

contact with me,

I finally understand.

I don't want that. Really.

But I just think

it's for the best.

Okay.

Okay.

There is another option.

We could just say, "Screw it,"

and do this thing for real.

What?

I miss you like crazy.

I think about you

all the time.

I want to be with you.

So, let's just say,

"Screw it."

No. We would

have to tell Chris.

Yeah.

It could

turn into a scandal.

Yeah.

It could

hurt your campaign.

Yes.

How would you

imagine we do this?

I don't know.

But I know how I feel

and I want to be with you.

But I'm done

steamrolling people.

This is how I feel.

How do you feel?

First day. You ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, crap.

I forgot my books

and my computer.

Just pay attention to

the lecture. And enjoy.

My first day of college,

my father dropped me

off at the steel mill.

He didn't think

I should go to college.

But I hitched a ride,

enrolled, and learned a lot.

Hope Andy does, too.

We need to start

teaching women football.

Teaching women UFC.

Teaching them to drive trucks

without crashing.

Hey. Maybe I'm only sexy,

and maybe that's all you see.

But at least you can

give me extra money,

tip money and stuff.

I'll flirt with you,

write my name on a napkin.

They're going to

do it in a right kind

of legal way

that empowers prostitution.

We don't rest

until we get that.

That will be progress.

That is extremely incorrect.

I thought...

I thought maybe it was.

When I was...

I'll get them next time.

Back to you, Professor.