Original subtitles

Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and Measly Middle Ages

Have you ever dreamt of being a prince or princess,

living in a fancy castle, wearing cool crowns,

and drinking only the finest bin juices?

SLURPING Hmm, nice!

Of course, that only happens by magic in fairy stories.

Normally, a lot of work goes into being a royal.

Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today!

I'm famous French hairdresser Sieur Larsenneur.

And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux,

and we are here to collect an Austrian princess.

Say hi to the viewers. H-Hello.

This princess knows she's heading to France to marry Prince Louis,

who is going to be king one day.

What she DOESN'T know is how much the French public

will hate her if she looks Austrian.

What?!

They literally won't let her into the country looking like this.

They'll rip her to shreds!

Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement.

So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French.

Now, I'm thinking we'll call you "Marie Antoinette."

But that is not my name.

My name is Maria Antonia.

Not any more! We're changing it to Marie Antoinette.

It sounds more French.

Future Queen of France, let's dance!

What is going on with this hair?

You've got it scraped back so far, it's pulling out the roots in clumps.

But it's very fashionable in Austria.

Huh! That explains everything...

At the moment, honey, this forehead gives me a sore head.

Oh, MG, you are SO right!

That's why, when I was sent to Austria to paint you,

I painted what I WANTED to see, not what I DID see.

She is so fresh, so fly, so French.

It doesn't look anything like me.

Exactly!

So good. Thank you.

Wow. It's magnificent. I know.

Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again,

but only after we've fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs.

Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place.

It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"

So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile

and all it will take is some light dentistry

using these state of the art metal tools.

Ah! Won't that hurt? You won't feel a thing...

Oh.

..because you'll feel everything! We don't have pain relief.

Open wide! Let's make your dentures all Frenchers.

SHE WHIMPERS

MIMICKING

When we met Maria Antonia she was a real "No, no, no-nia."

But Marie Antoinette is tres chic. She's glamorous.

She can barely move her mouth after agonising dental surgery,

but she is fit for France.

Ah oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!

CHEERING

So, what do you think of your transformation? Are you happy?

MUFFLED WHIMPERING

Oh, she's speechless.

And now, you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince.

Yas, queen!

This is the happi... Argh! Happiest day of my life. Oh!

Let's dance!

Woo!

Yeah, we probably should have worked on her dancing, too.

Definitely.

Please, just stop. You're embarrassing everyone.

Some can spend their whole lives

searching for true love and never find it.

But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to the throne of England,

his true love was arranged by his father's lawyers

as part of a peace treaty when he was two years old.

And they say romance is dead!

But while Arthur has known the name of his true love

since he was a toddler,

this will be their VERY first date.

Enjoy.

I really hope we get on.

We're getting married at the end of next week.

Prince Arthur's first date and soon to be wife

is Spanish Princess Catherine of Aragon.

So great to finally meet you.

I'm Prince Arthur. My father is King Henry VII...

..er, which means I will be

the first official King Arthur of Britain, eventually.

Hi.

So it turns out she can't speak any English at all,

which is, you know, a shame, cos English is my best language.

Gracias, chorizo, Barcelona.

Nachos. Si?

You like food? "Food"?

"Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!" Chicken?

MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

Creo que es un idiota.

Si, el es un idiota.

I think idiot means something completely different in Spanish!

Actually, it's the same thing. Right.

This is an absolute disaster.

I mean, I probably should have seen this coming, right?

Cos we just used to write to each other in Latin, so...

..wait.

Game on!

Te amo. Te amo.

The international language of love, Latin.

What can I get you?

SPEAKS LATIN

I... I'm so sorry, I do not speak Latin.

Idiota!

Do you think you'll see each other again?

Er, yeah. I mean, we're getting married in ten days,

Heads! Sorry, bro. Great touch, though

That's just my little brother, Prince Henry.

Ah. Henry, er... Ocho.

Henry VIII?!

HE CACKLES

No! Fat chance of that.

He can only be called that if he became king,

and that's not going to happen unless I die, so... No.

Once we get married, you'll never have to worry about him ever again.

Bull's-eye! Right, come here!

Gives me all the feels, actually.

Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots and, as you can imagine,

being Queen of Scotland made me quite a catch

in the 16th-century dating world.

I'm also well fit!

Ssss... Ouch. Ha-ha!

My hand in marriage was so sought after

that I was engaged to be married when I was just six months old.

Henry VIII wanted me to marry his son, Prince Edward.

But, tell me, what did he send to help seal the marriage?

I like presents. Who doesn't?

Did he send...

Aw!

Ooh!

Oh.

The answer is...

..C! He sent an army.

He started a war to make sure I married his son.

It's called the Rough Wooing, and it lasted for eight years,

so I married the King of France instead.

Do one, Edward!

You see?

You probably think that princes and princesses have an easy life,

but that's not always been the case,

Mm, mm, mm.

Back in history, they were often married off to other royals

just to make their own family more powerful.

And if THAT sounds bad,

wait until you see what giving birth could be like!

It's poor old Marie Antoinette again. Hmm...

Oh, where is my husband?

Er, I cannot see the King, Your Majesty,

unless he is at the back?

SHE GROANS

Why are they watching? I'm trying to give birth here.

Right this way. Room at the front, Your Majesty.

I love a royal birth!

Don't get me wrong, an execution is fun but it is over so quickly.

Darling, do we really have to have all of these people here watching?

My love, we are here to celebrate the birth of a prince...

..or princess.

WHIMPERING We need an audience!

We need witnesses to prove the Queen ACTUALLY gave birth

and they didn't use somebody else's baby.

Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them swapping it out for a boy,

so the King then has an heir.

Bonjour! DOOR KNOCKS

Oh, the doctor has arrived! It is a bit quiet in here.

I thought you were having a royal birth. More people! What?!

I was only here to sweep the chimney.

Urgh! Get your grubby stick away from me!

Ignore them, my darling. Just imagine they are not there.

What if I didn't have to imagine and they actually weren't there?

THEY GASP She doesn't mean it.

I do. It is coming.

THEY CHEER

How do you feel? A little bit woozy, actually.

He was talking to... Ah!

Can somebody open the window, please?

The Princess de Lamballe

clearly needs some air!

OK. Everyone ready?

Oui.

Where are the... THEY EXCLAIM

Don't panic. I will stick a spike into her foot

to release the blood pressure in her body.

Will that work? It will certainly wake her up.

SHE CRIES

She's back! THEY CHEER

Come on, Your Majesty, push!

SHE GROANS Push!

GROANING CONTINUES Push! Push! Push...

BABY CRIES Push.

It's a girl.

Yay... DISAPPOINTED GROANING

Er, that's OK. It's good, that's good!

Er... OK, so, er... I need some time to meet my daughter, so...

Everyone, out!

The King needs some private time with his new daughter.

This is a very, very personal moment.

That is a "personal moment?!"

I've just had a baby in public!

Unbelievable.

My first wife, Catherine of Aragon, gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,

which was great and everything,

but I wanted a son and heir to my throne - a prince!

Erm, I did actually then have a son but, erm...

..not with the Queen, so he couldn't be an official prince.

Awkward! Er... But now my second wife Anne is pregnant

and I'm certain it's going to be prince time, baby!

Although I wouldn't lose my head if it's a girl.

Someone might, though...

Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant and everybody's thrilled!

You lie about my mum to get a divorce,

you ban me from visiting her,

and you say I'm not a princess any more,

and you expect me to be happy about your wife being pregnant?

Too right, Mary! Can I get a "whoop-whoop"?

Yeah, she's pretty upset.

I should probably go see if she's OK...

..or, I can organise a special joust for the birth of my son.

It's bound to be a boy this time.

Right? Wrong!

King Henry is delighted to announce the birth of the Prince...ess.

The whole point of divorcing the last one

was so that I could get a son,

and now look what's happened!

A beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Oh, not now! Guys, read the room.

Can I just double check that...

She's definitely a girl! ..OK, fine.

BABY SHRIEKING

Urgh!

Father. Hello. Father's fake wife...

Queen Anne, actually.

For now. Let's see what happens next time you don't have a son.

Speaking of the King's sons. Henry Fitzroy in the house!

You don't count.

Ugh! JUST cos the King wasn't married to my mum. Typical.

Sorry, guys.

I can't believe you gave him better rooms than me at Christmas.

It's going to be one of those days. Right. Can we try and smile, yeah?

Wonderful news, Mary. We want you to live with Princess Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH CRIES It will be convenient

because you will be working for her... As a servant.

That's no position for a princess.

But you're not a princess any more, are you?

Your daddy took your title away, didn't you, darling?

Hmm? I certainly feel a bit peckish, actually.

No. Stay where you are.

Dad! You can't let that woman talk... Er, the QUEEN!

..my mother, Catherine of Aragon, is the Queen.

Not any more, she isn't.

SHE GRUNTS

I'm just going to go grab a couple of pork chops...

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh.

I eat when I'm nervous.

And when I'm not nervous.

I'm a hungry boy!

They've taken away my household.

Anne Boleyn has destroyed my life.

I'm not calling her "Queen"

and I'm not calling her daughter "Princess"

and I'm not agreeing with her about anything, ever!

Hey, guys. Just came to say hello to the baby.

What's HE doing here?

Weird. Suddenly all I can think about is pork chops.

A chop off the old block.

Oh, I hate him.

Oh, jinx! Ha-ha!

No, you can't keep calling yourself "princess."

This is my final word.

Please, Daddy!

Oh, go on, then. You can carry on.

What?! What can I say. I'm a big softie.

I'm a princess.

Have we had lunch already?

Better have another one, just to be on the safe side. Yeah?

Lunch. Let's wrap it up.

Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales,

and when my old man, King George III, dies,

I'm going to be made King George IV.

Let's hope that's not too far away.

I'm King George III, his father,

and I'm still alive.

What's the best thing about being a prince?

Well, all that pampering. Spoilt rotten. I blame your mother.

She thought he was so perfect that she put him on display to the public

when he was just a week old.

And people came from all over just to see His Royal Cuteness.

I mean, you just looked like any other baby.

Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so.

She had a life-size waxwork model made of me,

kept it in this little glass display jar.

Actually kind of creepy now that I think about it but, er...

Dad?

Am I going to be King George IV?

HE SNORES No!

Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you?

Many princes and princesses lived a life of luxury.

But others had much more difficult lives.

Some suffered like you wouldn't believe.

One 18th-century African prince was taken from his home,

sold into slavery and forced to travel to America,

where he did back-breaking work on a cotton plantation in Mississippi.

His life did eventually improve a little,

but it took time - a long time.

A long, long, long time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am Prince Abdul Rahman Ibrahima Sori.

Thank you all for coming tonight

to hear the tale of my escape from captivity.

Oh, forget it!

I can't believe me eye.

Could it really be?

Prince Abdul!

Oh, he tell you he was a prince, too?

Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave.

Prince Abdul, it's me - Dr John Coates Cox.

Oh! Your father, King Ibrahima, saved me life

when I was in West Africa.

Dr Cox! Ha-ha!

Oh, I was taken from my family's kingdom,

and I have been enslaved here for 19 years.

I'm so sorry, Abdul.

Hey! In your face, grumpy villager lady!

I'm a prince! It's true, he is a prince.

Well, that's nice.

The authorities here won't care.

He's still enslaved.

Over my dead body. Your Royal Highness,

you will be free within a year.

21 years later,

I was still a slave,

and my potential rescuer, Dr Cox, was dead.

AUDIENCE GASPS But, while my hopes were fading,

others were still fighting my cause.

Thank you for continuing Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall,

but I'm still here.

So, I wrote to your father, the Sultan of Morocco,

and now he's written to the President of America.

The Sultan of Morocco is not my father.

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Anyway, the Sultan was so moved that he wrote directly

to President Adams, who has now approved your journey home.

To Morocco?

Uh-huh. Which is not my home.

I'll admit, there's some details that need ironing out

but, Prince Abdul, don't you see?

You can leave this place. You're free.

STRING MUSIC PLAYS

This is really happening.

Where's my wife?

Darling, get the children. We are all free!

Ooh... MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT

You did get the freedom for my wife and children, right?

Er, this is awkward.

My eight children.

Hmm. I'm a free man now.

I will do it myself.

And that is why I am here today, telling my story

and raising money to buy freedom for the rest of my family.

And I will not rest until I am done.

Can't your dad, the Sultan of Morocco, help?

Not my dad!

Please, pay attention.

Huh! This tour is very long.

Prince Abdul did eventually make it back to Africa,

but he sadly died before reaching his home again.

Some princes and princesses

choose to live their lives differently to most royals,

and march to the beat of their own drum,

like my fellow suffragette Princess Sophia Duleep Singh.

Have you not heard of her? Wow!

She's a huge celeb here in Edwardian England.

She uses her fame to raise awareness for our cause -

votes for women, votes for women!

Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women!

D'ah! Votes for women!

Ah. Votes for women! Votes for women!

Hi, cuz, don't see you at Hampton Court much.

I thought Buckingham Palace was your vibe.

Er, I'm not your cuz, Princess Sophia.

I am your king. Whatever.

Make it quick. I've got rights to fight for and bikes to fix.

OK, look, I know you're not a member of the British royal family,

but you are a princess, and we royals are expected

to behave in certain ways.

Give us a hand oiling this chain.

Certainly not! The daughter of a maharaja

should ride in a coach, not on a...a bike.

Yeah, but I'm the newspaper's face of female cycling.

And how can you campaign for equality riding in a royal carriage?

Look, Princess Sophia,

your behaviour is embarrassing the family.

Any more and I shall have to ask you

to stop living in Hampton Court Palace.

You can't. Your grandmother, Queen Victoria, was my godmother,

and she gave me these rooms to live in before she died.

They're mine.

Cycling, selling suffragette newspapers,

protesting with a troublemaking rabble.

I'm just trying to do my bit.

Oh! You could do your bit by paying some taxes.

I won't pay tax until women have fair representation in Government.

Votes for women! Votes for women!

Right. Votes for women!

Fine! Do what you want, forget you're a royal.

Please, try and make sure to keep your room tidy.

Tidy my room?

No way! We have maids for that.

I am a princess, after all.

Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women!

Alfhild, your mother and I can't always be with you... Oh.

..making sure you don't meet any boys.

Uh... That's why we're putting a couple of deadly snakes

in your room... Ah!

..to keep them away.

SHE YELPS Sleep well. What?

But don't touch them. Oh, snakes, get off!

I'll never get a boyfriend now.

I'm...

You're going to get killed

Or you'll end up dead

Go away!

And those are some serious stakes

Like a princess from an old-school fairy tale,

Alfhild wants to find her prince.

Prince Alf, you got past the snakes and rescued me.

Let's get married. It'll be...

and silver frocks

What? You are getting married?

All you know about him is that he can avoid snakes.

Ah! Fine, you win.

What? I won't marry him. What?! Yes!

I'll dress up as a man and become a pirate!

Happy now? Oh! Er...

Wait, what just happened?

Alfhild, the true story of the princess

whose parents filled her bedroom with snakes

and who ran off to become a pirate.

That's for me

Yeah!

Alfhild, a princess tale like you've never seen before.

Erm, I'm still a bit confused by the whole pirate thing.

Oh, and does anyone have any anti-venom for my bottom?

Oh!

so that you can

in a private place

with a cape to hide your face

And then you're done

if you did a two or one

Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo -

Bonnie Prince Charlie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Greetings, friend. Ah!

Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie, the 18th-century prince

who laid clam to the thrones of England, Scotland

and Ireland?

Yeah! Mm. Who are you? Sorry, I just really need the loo.

HE FARTS

I...am Loo Man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You have travelled through time from the 18th century

to use my first-rate toilet facility!

Oh!

It's...Plop Quiz!

RECORDED FART

What? Answer questions one and two

and I'll let you do a... Poo!

I really, really need the toilet, so can we...?

Say no more. Question number one.

What is your proudest moment?

Well, my grandfather, James II... FART

..was robbed of his English throne during the Glorious Revolution,

just for being a bit Catholic. FART

Er, so my proudest moment would be

when I and my Jacobite troops

crushed the British in battle... FART

bringing me closer to taking my throne back

from the usurper George II. FART

Throne, as in the toilet?

No, the throne as in the throne!

I am the rightful King of Britain and I really need a poo!

FART All right.

Question number two. Mm!

Number two - it gets me every time.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

FART Ooh!

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Er, our rebellion ran out of luck around the time of

the Battle of Culloden... FART

and the English captured 3,500 of my men

and executed 120.

And? FART

I had to escape in a boat while disguised as an Irish maid.

Now, can I please go to the toilet? I'm nearly touching tartan!

You may pass...

liquids and/or solids.

That honks, man!

Come on.

Join me next time, when I'll be stopping another historical celeb

from doing a poo, to ask the questions...

FART ..just for...

Want to say it with me, Bonnie Prince Charlie?

Just for you.

Hi, I'm Prince Edward,

eldest son of Edward III.

Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall,

and absolute lad!

People also called me the Black Prince

on account of my sleek black armour, and because I'm hard as nails.

What's the best thing about being a prince?

Easy.

The weapons.

Like this bad boy.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

This beauty's retired now,

but I've given it a place of honour in the Royal Hall.

Every day, it gets fed a ration of its own food.

Got to keep your strength up, haven't we?

Huh? What's that?

He likes chops!

Such a great sense of humour.

So that was some of history's most pitiful princes and princesses.

And many of them never even got to be King or Queen,

especially the girls.

Until 2013, it was the oldest boy who took the throne,

even if he had older sisters. Imagine!

The most important thing you've got to do

if you want to be in charge is to stay alive,

and that wasn't so easy in the old days.

Just ask the Black Prince Edward, Prince Arthur Tudor,

and Frederick, Prince of Wales.

HE RETCHES

To my brother

That stylish warrior

Fred was below par

We can't rule on

So let's hear it for the roll call

you never had

Drew his last breath

But pooed himself to death

FART Ah, ah, ah

Alphonso?

Yeah, Alphonso.

Dad was Edward I.

I was going to be King of England but I died in 1284.

HE TUTS Come on.

But we were gone

a King Alphonso

to be anointing

Dead disappointing

The sad procession

We've no succession

That much is clear

Er, could we all stop going on about how I pooed myself to death?

There's nothing wrong with pooing yourself to death.

People did it all the time.

Shut up, Alphonso.

DRUM BOOMS