Original subtitles

Hey, I'm trying to listen to my wife.

Sometimes she quizzes me.

Thanks, y 'all, for watching and writing.

Keep those letters coming.

Except for you, Bruce from Texarkana. You will never see my feet, Bruce. Stop

asking.

So Merry Christmas, and from the bottom of my heart, I am happy to fill in

around here if anyone gets sick or, God forbid, has a death in the family.

Smooth.

Speaking of Christmas, have you talked to your mother?

I'm just trying to figure out our plans and how to make things perfect, but

whatever you want is fine by me.

And the smooth keeps coming.

Of course, your mom got D .C. on Christmas last year, so...

Seems like it's our turn, but I don't want to be difficult.

That's her job.

I'll talk to her. No rush.

I just need to let Santa know if he should be making an appearance here.

Well, the Cowboys are playing on Christmas, so Santa's busy.

If he's going to be here, Santa's going to be here.

It's okay. I'm sure Santa can be in a lot of places at once.

But my granddaughter can't. So pick.

Hey, I was thinking.

Oh, boy.

Hear me out. I know Mr. McAllister always closed the week of Christmas, but

if we stayed open?

You want us to work on Christmas?

It's not crazy. Think of all the Jewish people who might need tires.

How many Jewish people do you think are in Medford, Texas?

I know there'd be a lot more if they could buy tires during Christmas.

No, not a chance. I need some time off.

Hear you loud and clear.

Although, Faggenbacher's gonna be close and we'd be the only game in town.

Are you gonna keep badgering me until I say yes?

Of course not. I'll drop it. Thanks.

It's just we're in so much debt.

Come on, dude.

I'm thinking about you and all those Jewish people with flat tires.

You missed a good sermon this morning. Pastor Jeff is always on fire during the

holidays. Remember that candlelight service when his sleeve actually caught

fire?

I know he almost died, but that was funny.

I need some money.

Aren't you going to say hi to your brother?

Hi. Forty bucks to do it.

I am not giving you forty dollars.

But I have to buy a new bathing suit. You have a perfectly good one.

That's a one -piece.

What's wrong with a one -piece?

Everyone in California wears bikinis.

Well, everyone in California is going to hell. That's why God gave them

earthquakes.

What's all this about California?

I told Sheldon that we would visit him for Christmas.

Oh. And I was hoping that you and Mandy and Cece might join us.

That's real nice, but I don't think we can.

You don't have to be around Sheldon the whole time.

That ain't why.

I mean, it ain't, ain't wild.

Well, I bet Cece would love to go on one of those buses and see where the stars

live. She's two years old.

Well, maybe Barney's on that tour.

I just can't take the time off of work.

I understand.

I knew it was a long shot.

You'll still have a good time. You'll get to meet all of Sheldon's friends.

Well, that's so sweet. You think Sheldon has friends.

In here.

What are you doing?

Taking a bubble bath. What do you think I'm doing?

Well, hurry up. I've got something to tell you.

All right, hold on.

What?

Mary's going to visit Sheldon. We've got Cece all to ourselves.

You interrupted my business for that.

I was just excited.

You're right, honey. It is exciting.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Why don't we ever go away for the holidays?

One of life's little mysteries.

We're retired.

We've got more money than Mary.

Why does she get to go away on vacation when we're stuck sitting at home?

You were just so happy.

And you were just on the toilet. Things change.

Why don't we take the whole family to the beach?

Stay in a fancy hotel. It could be our Christmas gift to everyone.

Let me think about it.

There's Fort Lauderdale.

Oh, we could do Miami.

I'm thinking. Go away.

We really want to be careful about not going overboard with gifts for Cece this

year. We don't want her getting spoiled.

Like Mandy.

Hey!

But yeah.

Actually, we wanted to talk to y 'all about your gift.

Aw, you don't have to get us anything.

That doesn't apply to you.

You said we didn't need to do gifts this year. Yeah, I say it, but you love me

so much you do it anyway. That's how this works.

Tell them, Jim.

Your mother and I are taking you all to Miami for Christmas.

To a resort right on the beach.

That's so nice.

But we always have Christmas here.

Jim? I've been informed that this will be better.

Don't you want to try something different?

Different?

It's like you don't even know me.

Well, you two want to go, right?

Actually, I was going to keep the store open for the holidays.

Yeah, and I need to be available to fill in at the station.

What is wrong with you people? We're trying to take you on a free vacation.

Yeah, free for them, not for me.

Seems like you're the only one that really wants to go, Mom.

That is not true, Jim.

Oh, come on!

Are we being selfish?

Because we'd rather make money than sit on a beach and drink booze out of a

coconut. I don't think so.

Well, I gotta tell you, I'm having second thoughts.

Seriously?

Yeah, I mean, the station's probably not gonna call me in. We should go.

Besides... Think I'd like to see my husband on a beach in a bathing suit and

praying to God not cowboy boots?

I wouldn't wear my boots on the beach.

Maybe by the pool.

Well, just think about how cute Cece would be playing in the sand.

How's that different than playing in a sandbox?

Uh, because I'll be next to her getting a tan.

Come on, you work all week. I work on the weekends.

We never really get any real family time.

You know what?

Let's do it. Oh, yay!

Ooh, I'm going to have to get a bikini wax.

Maybe I should get one.

Oh, sweetheart, you'd cry like a baby.

Come on, Reuben, don't be mad.

I canceled my plans because you convinced me it was a good idea to keep

store open. It is a good idea.

I just won't be here for it.

So I'm supposed to work while you go on vacation?

How about this? How about I just make it up to you and I'll work on the next

holiday?

So what? Wait, Valentine's Day?

No, Valentine's Day ain't gonna work.

Maybe I'll just close the store, join my family in Mexico.

I thought you were Puerto Rican.

I am.

They're vacationing in Mexico.

You can see why that was confusing.

I said I was going to be available to fill in, but my plans changed, and I'm

going to be... Oh, she is.

Oh, no.

Well, how long would you need me?

Oh, boy. You know, I just... I made so many promises. There's so many... Let me

call you back.

Hey, Daddy.

What's up?

Well, I was just thinking about the trip and how excited I am.

Mm -hmm.

You know, speaking of exciting things, the station called, and the weeknight

weather girl got lice from her kid.

Ugh.

Yeah, it's a bad case. I may have to shave her head.

Are you trying to say you're not coming to Miami?

No, no, no, of course not. I was just wondering if maybe we could leave two

later. Well, everything's already booked.

Yeah. I know. I know. And I wouldn't ask, but this is really important to my

career, and this could be your gift to me.

The trip is my gift to you.

No, no. Your trip is the gift for everybody. This could be your special

me.

Do you understand how expensive it'll be to rebook everything on Christmas?

I know. That's why it would be so special.

Hey.

Hey. Um, did you talk to Ruben yet?

Yep. He wasn't happy about it, but I let him know it's Christmas and my family

comes first.

Great.

So, uh, hey, listen. How would you feel about leaving two days later?

Why? So, uh, I can go to work and make us some money?

But I was gonna work and make us some money. Aw, well, now you don't have to.

Merry Christmas.

Mandy, what is going on?

Okay, um, the station called, and they need me to fill in.

You're the one yapping about family time.

Oh, I know, but if I do the weeknight weather, the next step is weekend

which puts me in spitting distance of weeknight anchor, and that's basically

Oprah got started, and don't you want your wife to be Oprah?

What about me? Don't you want me to be the Oprah of tires?

That makes no sense.

Well, there ain't no thing this tire gotta compare to.

All right.

Fine. If you want me to give up on this huge opportunity for two extra days of

family time, then I'll do it.

I'm not doing it.

Michelin Man.

I could be the next Michelin Man.

I can't believe you gave in to her.

This is so like you.

Then it shouldn't be hard to believe.

And how much money did it cost to change those tickets?

Oh, it's Christmas, Audrey. It's not about the money.

So, a lot. A shocking amount.

I can't even remember why we wanted to do this.

We?

There's no we. This is all you.

Don't you raise your voice at me.

I was on the toilet minding my own business.

Excuse me.

When you fight...

It's the children who suffer.

Remember that.

McAllister Auto, we never tire of taking care of your tires.

Your sister is driving me crazy.

Something she never tires of, am I right?

Not in the mood, Georgie. I am at my wit's end.

So am I.

phone. Okay.

Click.

I know you just made the click noise with your mouth.

What is going on?

Can your sister stay with you for Christmas?

What happened to California?

She wants me to spend the whole week in some hellhole called Pasadena.

Sheldon is excited to show us his school.

It's nowhere near a beach.

So can't she?

I wish she could, but I'm going to Miami with the McAllisters.

Really? Because when I asked you if you wanted to come to California, you said

you had to work.

Um... What?

George Marshall Cooper.

I didn't plan it. It was their gift to us.

They're paying for the whole thing.

Oh, well, because they have money, they get to spend Christmas with my

granddaughter. Wait, you're going to the beach?

Take me with you, please.

I'm sorry. It's not my place to invite you.

Well, there you go, Missy. Your brother picked his rich new family over us.

That ain't what's happening.

It's just, ever since Dad died, I've been having such a hard time in the

holidays. Cut that out.

It's so hard to be an orphan.

You are not an orphan! I am still alive!

So it looks like that storm front is going to move off to the west, leaving

with an unseasonably warm Christmas.

So, instead of milk and cookies, maybe leave Santa some sunscreen and a Speedo.

And before I sign off, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday.

If only she were that nice in real life.

Hey, y 'all.

Just missed Amanda.

Let me guess, gonna be sunny and warm?

Outside. In here, it's been a bit chilly.

Oh, stop it!

And cranky.

Uh... Anyways.

I was wondering if I could ask a huge favor about the trip.

I'm not changing it again.

No changes.

It's just my sister's being a real pain in the ass to my mom, and I thought

maybe she could go with us.

You want to bring an angry teenage girl on our family trip?

Sounds like she'll fit right in.

She's only rude to my mom.

She's actually really sweet and responsible.

Well, then.

Maybe she can babysit Cece when we go out to dinner.

Oh, I ain't leaving my daughter alone with her.

We're going to miss our flight.

I told you we should have left earlier.

Should have left two days earlier.

so the traffic is my fault. We'd already be on the beach if it wasn't for your

career. Will someone have to pay off all the debt you put us in?

So is the hotel on the beach? Near the beach? Why are we talking?

Right on the beach.

Sweet. If we get there.

And that debt is because I'm building a future for our family.

What do you think I'm doing?

Can you keep it down? I can't hear the Christmas music.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. You happy?

So what's the drinking age in Florida?

You're not drinking.

Well, I am a lot.

At least that Christmas tradition isn't getting ruined.

All right, that is enough.

We paid a lot of money to take you on a wonderful trip, so we're going to stop

our bitching and have a magical family Christmas we'll remember forever.

Now shut up and be grateful.

I'm grateful?

Thank you, Missy.

You are a doll.

Thanks.

I don't know why my mom hates you.

You said the storm front was heading west.

Aw, you watched.

My hair's gonna frizz.

Maybe we should make a run for the hotel.

It'll pass.

Still better than Christmas for Sheldon.

On the worst day of Christmas

my parents gave to me, A trip to Miami.

We all sat in traffic. The plane ran out of peanuts.

They lost Mom's luggage.

Didn't check in till midnight.

Then it started raining.

Dad ran in flip -flops. He fell and it was funny.

The hotel bar served Missy liquor.

She threw up in the bushes. Georgie caught a cold. Mandy got lice.

But I got to watch you, which was nice.

Back in Medford, Ruben said, screw this.

He closed the store and joined his Puerto Rican family in Mexico.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, y 'all.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.