All language subtitles for American.Housewife.S02E04.The.Lice.Storm.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_Subtítulos01.ENG

Making breakfast
for your kid with OCD

is like the world's least-fun
game of "Operation."

It takes a steady hand or--

It touched.
I can't eat that.

If we were rich, Anna-Kat
would be eccentric.

But we're poor, so she's just
cuckoo pants.

Call me when you
get it right.

Morning, Taylor.

I made you a little
something.

No, way. I'm not eating
Anna-Kat's reject food.

It's disgusting.

Mmm! Yolks and crusties.
May I?

Put that cup down!

Who gave you permission
to drink coffee?

You did last week.

I asked you when
you were removing

all the things Anna-Kat
hates from her trail mix.

Mmm! Carob.
You know better than

to listen to me while
I'm ignoring you.

Besides, coffee stunts
your growth.
Great.

I'm already at
a perfect height

according to the quiz
I took on BuzzFeed.

Well, BuzzFeed says
that I'm a Charlotte,

which is total crap 'cause
everyone knows I'm a Carrie.

You're more like
a Miranda.

That is the meanest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Not happening.

Put it down.

Fine.

Once I start driving next week,
I'll go get my own coffee.

Oh, my God.
She's right.

She's gonna be driving.
How did this happen?

When did our oldest
get to be so old?
I don't understand.

I thought you couldn't wait
for Taylor to start driving.

Well, now that it's here,
I'm having mixed feelings.

Am I allowed to have those,
Greg, or is this Russia?

Do you mean
Communist Russia?

Because modern Russia,
while still oppressive--

Why can't you just
let me say things?

Greg, you realize getting her
license means independence.

And before you know it,
she's gonna be driving off

like that girl in that
Subaru commercial.

You mean the one where
the little girl sits

in the driver's seat and
the dad tells her to be careful?

Then he turns back,

and suddenly
she's a teenager.

That girl was so tiny.

Then the girl grew up
right before his eyes.

Oh.

What's happening?

Ugh. Get off.

Taylor, honey,
I'd like to spend

some special mother/daughter
time with you,

establish a bond that
will last a lifetime.

You can't force
stuff like that.

That's silly.
Anything can be forced.

The fact that you were
all over 9 pounds

and I never had
a C-section is proof.

Gross.
Yes, it was.

I saw the sheets.
Mm-hmm.

You'll never believe who just
moved in next to us.

Here's a hint--
He's one of my idols,

and he just got
out of prison.

I give up...

on the question
and possibly parenting.

Spencer Blitz, the man
who dominated

Wall Street
in the '90s.

Then spent the last
20 years in jail

for insider trading.

I want you to stay clear
of that guy.

You've already talked to him,
haven't you?

Hey.

Are you stealing
my Wall Street Journal?

Good job.

When I was your age,
I stole hundreds of papers.

Sold 'em back to
the vendors for a profit.

Kind of a reverse
paper route.

Then I took that money,
bought an abandoned warehouse,

burned it to the ground
for the insurance money,

and bought
a Maserati.

At school, I made sure
I parked

next the the principal
so he knew who was boss.

Sir, that's the most inspiring
story I've ever heard.

That guy's a perfect example
of what happens

when somebody only cares
about money.

I know, right?

He's the best.

Oliver, there is a letter from
your school marked "urgent."

Oh, yeah, I was supposed
to give that to you.

Yeah, I got that, too.
So did Anna-Kat.

You know I hate it when the
three of you screw up together.

It dilutes her anger.

A kid at the school
got lice,

and they want the parents
to be on the lookout.

We cannot get lice.

We're already known
as the poor family.

Correction-- poor family
with a pet pig.

Hans Gruber, don't sneeze
on Mommy's leg.

Greg, don't ever refer to me
as the pig's mommy again.

Listen up.

We will not be known as
the "poor pig family

that also has lice."

So that's what
these things are.

After discovering that
one of your kids has lice,

the first step is to isolate
patient zero.

This is to contain them.

Having head pets
is the best.

Really? But eggs
touching toast is gross?

That is one wavy line.

Step two, check all remaining
family members.

You're good.

You, too.

All clear.

Mmm.

Did you just moan
during a lice check?

If you're into it, yeah.

Step three is to kill
those little bastards--

the lice, not the kids.

Maybe the kids.

It's like
there's a village.

You'd have to get lice
for a very long time

to have as many
as I do.

I've got a super swarm.

Ugh.

Step four,

shock and awe.

Lice get everywhere
and on everything.

They're the glitter
of the bug world.

I'm going to
Melanie's house.
Wait.

I was hoping that
we could bond.

We'll never get
this time back

or be able to make
these memories again.

Nah, that's okay.

C'mon, we can make
a batch of cookies,

but instead of baking them,
we'll just eat the cookie dough.

You can't eat raw eggs.
You'll get sick.

What is wrong with
your generation?

You won't eat raw eggs
or put plastic in the microwave.

Yeah, we also don't like
to get lice.

Listen, when things get tough
for this family, we don't run.

We stick it out together
under one roof.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Tell that to Dad.

What a total

I love your father.

What do you think
you're doing?

During the State of the Union,
a "designated survivor"

is sent to
an undisclosed location

so they can
lead the country

in the event everyone
is wiped out in an attack.

This is exactly like that,
except with lice.

And a tent.

With Nutter Butters.

How can I convince Taylor
to stay and bond with me

if you're out here
pitching a tent?

Oh, grow up, Greg.

Hey, if lice get in these locks,
they're not getting out.

Remember when--
Yeah, yeah,

Paul Mitchell stopped you
on the street

and told you he had never seen
such texture and definition.

It was texture
and volume.

I only have
a two-week window

to get in all
the bonding time I can,

because, when she gets
her license, she's gone.

And you know how
I know that?

Because that's
what I did.

I got my license,
got a job,

and then quit to follow
Prince and the Evolution.

Don't you mean
Revolution?
No. Evolution.

They were a Prince knock-off
band that owned the Panhandle.

What am I going to do?

Hey, remember the coupon book
she gave you for Mother's Day?

Yes.

With all those
cute activities.

Such a sweet gesture.

It's one of my most treasured
possessions.

Yeah, I saw it smushed up in
the back of the junk drawer.

You bond with Taylor.

I'll do some father/son bonding
out here with Oliver.

Where is he?
He said he'd
be right back.

Hopefully some camping with
his old man will help him

realize there's more to life
than material pursuits.

Wow!

This is your TV nook?

You know, every time I try
to find the main TV room,

I end up in
the bowling alley.

So, you haven't
touched this place

since you got arrested
in the '90s?

Who's TLC?

A rad girl band.

They actually played my birthday
just before I was arrested.

I told "Left Eye" the story of
how I torched that warehouse.

Looking back, I worry
I planted a seed.

Is it true you dated
Daryl Hannah?

Post-"Splash,"
pre-"Wall Street."

Undeniably her
sweet spot.

But my heart belonged
to someone else--

a man, in fact...

by the name of
Benjamin Franklin.

I still get goose bumps
every time I look at that

beautiful bald,
green head.

Wow. We have the same
taste in men.

I'm gonna give you some advice
on how to get rich.

Money needs to
be your first,

your second,
and your third love.

Fourth can be a Russian model
who needs a visa.

Do you have, like, a pen
and paper or something?

Yeah.

That's probably
my parole officer.

Coming!

Hi.
You must be Spencer Blitz.

Of course I am.

I'm Greg Otto
from next door.

I was looking for
my son, Oliver.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad.

Spencer was just telling me
a story about how he manipulated

the Malaysian housing market
for a huge profit.

You got one hell
of a son here.

I look at him, and I see

a younger, less-tan version
of myself.

I hope one day I can
follow in your footsteps.

But not to jail.
Am I right?

Yeah, well, federal
prison's not so bad.

He told me Allenwood
had a golf course.

That's where I spent
the summer.

I winter-prisoned
in Arizona.
Amazing.

But it wasn't worth it,
because he had

to give back
all that money

when he was caught
stealing.

Well, what your dad
says is true.

I'm down to my last several
hundred million.

It's tough to look at
those statements.

Okay, we'd love to
stay and talk,

but Oliver and I
have to get going.

We do?

We're doing some
backyard camping.

Yeah, but--
That sounds nice.

Go with your dad.

You can come
visit me anytime.

You know, I n--
I never had a family.

I was too busy
making money.

And it's hard to live
with regret.

Regret?
Oh, no, sorry,

I had the wrong
inflection.

I never had a family.
I was too busy making money!

Mama?

Will you take the middle out
of my fidget spinner for me?

Didn't you just ask me
to put it back in?

Uh-huh.

I can't find anything
in this junk drawer.

Heads up, honey.

Why do I have to have
my hair in braids?

You have to do it
after you treat for lice.

The coupon book!

Ew.

Stuck to an old
Life Saver.

That I won't eat
until I'm alone.

You keep itching.

Do you have
head pets, too?

No.

Of course not.

Can you hand me
that fork?

Mamas do this sometimes.

Oliver, I know Spencer
has made a lot of money,

but that came at
a huge price.

In life, there are
no shortcuts.

The only way to really make it
is to get a job and work hard.

I actually took a job
this afternoon.
Oh, doing what?

Running errands for Spencer
until he's legally permitted

to step outside a half-mile
radius of his property.

That's him right now.

Is that a beeper?
Isn't it cool?

It's like a cellphone,
only it does nothing.

I've got to roll.
Spencer asked me to get

Crystal Pepsi and something
called mousse.

Where are
you going?
Aah!

I told you,
to Melanie's.
No, you're not.

Because I am redeeming

the Mother's Day coupons
you gave me.

Don't be weird.
I gave those to you

when I was like 10.
I don't see
an expiration date.

Here's one for an ice cream
"zunday"...

spelled with a Z.

I am not hanging out in
a house crawling with bugs.

I have that problem
under control.

Yeah?

Then why do you keep
itching your head?

I'm not itching.

I'm stimulating
the follicles

because of female-pattern
baldness.

It's coming for you, too.

Oh, my God.

The top of my head
is just lice

with some hair
around it.

You can't make me
hang out

in a lice-infested
house.

You're losing her, Katie.

Do something.

Taylor, wait!

Should I?

No.

And yet I'm doing it.

Lice hat!

Now we're infested
together.

Oh, my God!
Have you gone insane?!

I will take my 10 free hugs
inside, please.

What's it like
on the inside?

Taylor totally
ignored me

while I was combing lice
out of her hair.

Now she's holed up in her room
and won't come out.

Huh. Weird.

I guess you could try
giving her bedbugs.

It was a spur-of-the-moment
decision.

Besides, Oliver
has become a runner

for a criminal
on your watch.

Okay, we've both
made mistakes.

Am I crazy for trying
to force Taylor

to spend
mother/daughter time?

No, I get it.

You're just anxious because,
before you know it...

Subaru commercial.
...Subaru commercial.

Okay.

How are you gonna handle
the Oliver situation?

Well, if I forbid him
from seeing Spencer,

it's just gonna make him
want to go over there more,

so I'm gonna have
a chat with Spencer

and set some
ground rules.

What's your move
with Taylor?

I'm gonna go get some advice
from Angela and Doris.

So if it goes wrong,
I can blame them.

It's nice to see
I'm not the only one

you use that
technique on.

Yeah, but don't worry.

You'll always be my favorite
person to blame.

That's sweet.

I don't know what to do.

Taylor grew up overnight

and doesn't want to
spend time with me,

and Anna-Kat
gave me lice.

You have lice?!

Lice braids!

Had lice-- past tense.
Combed 'em all out.

Combing doesn't always
work the first time.

I can't believe
you hugged me.

So what?! I'm supposed to
not go to restaurants

and hug my friends
when I have lice?

Uh, yes.

Doris, say something.

I'm three months
pregnant.

What?
What?

So I also have
a parasite

sucking the nutrients
out of my body.

How did that happen?

I was in bed
guzzling Chardonnay

and watching Michael Phelps
race a shark.

Then I got so worked up
that I jumped Richard

like it was the 17th
of the month!

That's our bone day.

Oh, my God.

How are you feeling?
Pissed!

Pissed that I'm about to
have my fourth child!

I had eight years until my
youngest left for Princeton--

September 10, 2025.

Then I would jet off
to Majorca,

find a little villa
on a cliff,

learn to sculpt,

maybe take a lover--

possibly my sculpting
teacher.

Now this little creature
moved my finish line.

By the time I get
to Majorca,

I'm gonna be so old that
my sculpting teacher

is gonna rebuff
my aggressive advances.

Look, I come
from a place

where everything happens
for a reason.

This may not be
part of your plan,

but it's obviously part
of the universe's plan.

Oh! I see.

So if I poke you hard
with this fork,

is that also part of
the universe's plan?

Is it, Angela?!
Don't be mad at me.

I'm not the one who uses
"rarely having sex"

as a form of
birth control.

Should I have another baby,
get a fresh start?

Are you crazy?!
I'm not having a baby.

I have to figure out a way to
get closer to the one I have.

They're looking at you.

Say something.

Diaphragm.
Exactly.

Whew! I got lucky
on that one.

What else was in
that coupon book?

What am I gonna do,
pillow fight?

I could come up with something
better than that.

Pillow fight!

What the hell
are you doing?

Having the time
of our lives!

I could hit you all day.

I lied.
That's exhausting.

Ugh.

No wonder sorority girls
are in such good shape.

Are we done?
Look, I'm sorry.

I just want
to spend time with you.

That's why I broke out
the old coupon book you gave me.

Why didn't you just use them
when I gave them to you?

I don't actually know.

Anna-Kat: Mama! Will you squeeze
the toothpaste on my toothbrush?

Sure, honey!

Just so you know,
that's why.

What's that supposed
to mean?

You never used
them because

you were always so distracted
by Anna-Kat.

I mean, I get it.

She's had issues--
has issues.

But she's eight now.

She can put on
her own toothpaste

and take the crust off
her toast.

I've seen her do it.

Have you seen her
put the center

back in the fidget
spinner?

Only about
a million times.

Anna-Kat.

Taylor, honey,
I feel terrible.

Tell you what.

I will let you have
one free hit.

Never let your
guard down!

Oh, hey, Greg.

I was expecting Oliver.

I sent him out
for some lobster.

Got nostalgic
for prison food.

I can't believe my tax dollars
paid for that.

You pay taxes?

Greg, I know why
you're here.

You're afraid I'm going
to corrupt your boy.
Yes.

He looks up to you, and
whether I like it or not,

you're a bit of
a role model to him.

Well, that's-- that's
understandable.

I'd feel the same way
about me

if I had just moved in
next to myself.

I will say, your confidence
is quite intoxicating.

I've been drunk on it
since birth.

You don't want me
hanging around him.

If that's what you want,
I'll respect it.
Thank you.

But you should know he's been
a real great asset to me.

He has?

I'm not used to
showing weakness

because, in business,
it could cost you money.

In prison, well, you end up
with a terrible tee time.

I must admit, I've been
a bit lost since I got out.

Things have changed.

Do you know there's no longer
Blockbuster Video?

Yeah. I miss Gerald's
employee picks.

He and I were really
simpatico.

Oliver's getting me
back up to speed.

He's a really great kid,

and that's because
he has great parents.

I feel like you're
manipulating me.

A little.

So, what's it
gonna take?

What do you mean?

How much to make you
change your mind?

$10,000?

You can't pay me
to hang out with my son.

$1 million.

Seriously?
No.

But now that I know
there's a price,

my lawyer will
be in touch.

Ugh. Okay.

Anna-Kat, chalk down.

The days of me doing everything
for you are over.

New rule-- if you can do it,
you're doing it.

For example,

I know you can put toothpaste
on your own toothbrush.

Taylor!

You can also start
your own banana,

stick a straw in a juice box,
and put on your own tights.

Am I clear?

Yes.

Good.

Okay, Mama.

I'll just start doing
everything all by myself.

Nice try, but I know you
can turn on and off

the waterworks
like that.

Oliver!

Listen, I no longer want you
hanging out with Spencer.

He's not the type of person
we want you learning from.

Who said anything
about learning?

Dad, Spencer's
an old man.

He's alone and has nobody
in his life.

I'm happy to hang out with him
and run errands.

Oh, so you're looking out
for him?

Yeah, let me finish.

Once I become his confidante
and best friend,

I could also become
his sole heir.

And that might pay off
sooner rather than later,

based on the amount of
aspartame he consumes.

Oliver, I don't
think that--
Spencer has no family.

But you know who does?

You do, big guy.

And it's a great family.

Now, let's do some
backyard camping.

I feel like you're
manipulating me.

A little.

I feel like I failed her
as a mom.

Just so you know,
if we never had Anna-Kat,

Taylor would be
telling you

you're smothering her
with attention

and ruining her life.

There's no winning
in parenting.

I'm certainly not winning
with Oliver.

Don't feel bad.

It's just Oliver's nature.

I don't like it.
Neither do I.

We need to treat him
like a dog on a leash.

He's gonna try
sniffing around,

but he needs to feel
the tension of us

always yanking him back.

Maybe we should cut
ourselves more slack.
Yeah.

None of our kids are on drugs
or have face tattoos,

and we've never lost track of
a child for more than two hours.

You put it that way,
we're killing it.

So let's put it that way.

Thanks for making me
feel better.

Anytime.

Raw cookie dough
is so good.
Right?

Totally worth playing
diarrhea roulette for this.

Thank you for talking
to Anna-Kat.

Of course.

I guess I was spending so much
time on your little sister

that our time got lost
in the mix.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I really am.

Thanks, Mom.

If I could do it
all over again,

I would've given you more
attention and fewer bugs.

Anna-Kat: Mama!

You're a big girl!

I'm sure, whatever it is, you
can figure it out on your own.

Okay!

I don't know what to do
with you little guys.

I can't keep you alive
without a warm human host.

Welcome home.

I got some maternity clothes
for the new mama.

They're really just shirts
I've grown out of.

I'm sorry for giving
you guys lice.

But it could've
been anybody.

All right.

I'm sorry to you, too.

Ugh.