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1
00:00:01,295 --> 00:00:03,544
You got to love public
school-- free babysitting
2
00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:06,049
and a convenient place to
throw away my car garbage.
3
00:00:06,050 --> 00:00:08,466
You ruined
my son's life!
4
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,382
Ah, Tara Summers--
5
00:00:10,383 --> 00:00:11,882
my daughter's boyfriend's
mother.
6
00:00:11,883 --> 00:00:14,091
If I had one free punch
for anyone in the world,
7
00:00:14,092 --> 00:00:15,882
it would be Bryant Gumbel.
8
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,841
But if I had two,
it would be Tara Summers.
9
00:00:18,842 --> 00:00:21,382
Eyo doesn't want to be an
anesthesiologist anymore.
10
00:00:21,383 --> 00:00:23,007
He wants to be
a cartoon artist.
11
00:00:23,008 --> 00:00:24,632
Mm.
He spends the day
at your house,
12
00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:26,632
and now he wants to
"follow his dreams."
13
00:00:26,633 --> 00:00:28,507
Sounds like
a real bad seed.
14
00:00:28,508 --> 00:00:30,341
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
15
00:00:30,342 --> 00:00:33,132
Mama, can Autumn and I
have a playdate?
16
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,466
Why must all of our children
insist on getting along?
17
00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:37,382
Of course you can, sweetie.
18
00:00:37,383 --> 00:00:38,716
- Yay!
- Yay!
19
00:00:38,717 --> 00:00:41,257
Fine. But it has to
be at my house.
20
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,924
If Autumn spends a day with you,
she'll come back wanting
21
00:00:42,925 --> 00:00:44,674
to be something awful
when she grows up--
22
00:00:44,675 --> 00:00:46,382
like a teacher.
23
00:00:46,383 --> 00:00:47,841
Come on.
24
00:00:47,842 --> 00:00:50,592
Hey, Mom, is cool if I catch a
ride home with my friends today?
25
00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:55,549
Yes. And nice job joining
the popular clique.
26
00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:56,757
Did you know I was
the most popular girl
27
00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,216
in a high school
of 5,000 people?
28
00:00:58,217 --> 00:01:00,424
I did, because you
talk about it constantly.
29
00:01:00,425 --> 00:01:03,591
Well! Somebody
sounds jealous.
30
00:01:03,592 --> 00:01:05,216
Have you seen Oliver?
31
00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:06,757
Yeah, he took the bus
to ballet practice.
32
00:01:06,758 --> 00:01:08,257
Mm.
33
00:01:08,258 --> 00:01:11,341
I've been seen talking to
my mom for a really long time,
34
00:01:11,342 --> 00:01:13,632
so I'm gonna go while
I still have friends.
35
00:01:13,633 --> 00:01:15,549
Mm.
36
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:17,841
Bye, Taylor!
Have fun!
37
00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:20,342
First day without your blankie!
I'm so proud of you!
38
00:01:22,175 --> 00:01:25,007
Is it possible I came to school
for nothing?
39
00:01:25,008 --> 00:01:27,966
I've achieved what every
stay-at-home mom dreams of--
40
00:01:27,967 --> 00:01:29,966
a free afternoon.
41
00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:32,133
I'm going to Target to
sit on the lawn furniture!
42
00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:44,041
{\an8}So that's why I was never picked
first for any team sports.
43
00:01:44,042 --> 00:01:46,167
{\an8}Anyways,
thanks for listening.
44
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:49,666
{\an8}Katie.
45
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,207
{\an8}Shouldn't you be picking up
Oliver from ballet?
46
00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,624
Oh, crap! I forgot.
47
00:01:53,625 --> 00:01:55,124
{\an8}I'm still a little
disoriented
48
00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:56,832
{\an8}from getting woken up
from my Target nap.
49
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:58,832
{\an8}If they don't want you to put
three lawn chairs together
50
00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:00,666
{\an8}to form a bed,
there should be a sign.
51
00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:02,541
{\an8}You got to be careful,
or they will ban you.
52
00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:05,666
{\an8}Way ahead of you.
I rotate Targets.
Hm.
53
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,041
{\an8}I got to go
pick up Oliver.
No, no, no.
54
00:02:07,042 --> 00:02:08,457
{\an8}Before you leave,
55
00:02:08,458 --> 00:02:10,166
{\an8}I'm doing a reading of my
soon-to-be-published book,
56
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:11,582
{\an8}"John Stuart Mill
and the Consequences
57
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:12,916
{\an8}of a Thoroughgoing
Empiricist Outlook"--
58
00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:14,707
I just like saying it--
59
00:02:14,708 --> 00:02:16,625
and I need some help
choosing a passage.
60
00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:19,666
Now, this passage
61
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,707
{\an8}about his marriage
to Harriet Taylor works,
62
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:24,249
{\an8}but feels a little nichey.
Don't you think it's nichey?
63
00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:25,707
{\an8}So nichey.
Yeah.
64
00:02:25,708 --> 00:02:27,416
{\an8}So then, I considered
this passage
65
00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:29,541
{\an8}about when Mill was
the colonial administrator
66
00:02:29,542 --> 00:02:30,874
{\an8}in the British East India
Company,
67
00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:31,957
but then I thought--
you don't put
68
00:02:31,958 --> 00:02:33,874
"Luke, I am your father"
in the trailer.
69
00:02:33,875 --> 00:02:36,291
{\an8}No, you do not.
70
00:02:36,292 --> 00:02:38,625
{\an8}So I was wondering,
what's your favorite passage?
71
00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,916
{\an8}Gosh, honey.
72
00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:45,375
{\an8}There are just so many
that I love.
Aww.
73
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,316
The first one, obviously.
74
00:02:47,317 --> 00:02:48,316
Mm-hmm.
75
00:02:48,317 --> 00:02:53,358
{\an8}And the second one...
is just...
76
00:02:57,900 --> 00:03:00,232
{\an8}You haven't read
my book, have you?
77
00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,982
{\an8}You know if it doesn't
come in magazine form
78
00:03:01,983 --> 00:03:03,066
and have pictures
of celebrities,
79
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,525
I have no chance
of staying awake.
80
00:03:06,108 --> 00:03:08,441
I can't read this right now.
I got to go pick up Oliver.
81
00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:09,857
And they say
tired driving
82
00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,774
is just as bad
as drunk driving.
83
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:12,942
Do you support
drunk driving, Greg?
84
00:03:14,483 --> 00:03:15,816
I didn't think so.
85
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,732
Drive! Go, go, go!
86
00:03:28,733 --> 00:03:29,774
Did you just try
to pull off
87
00:03:29,775 --> 00:03:31,191
one last heist before
retirement,
88
00:03:31,192 --> 00:03:32,566
but the crew member
you trusted the most
89
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,691
turned out to be working for
the feds the entire time?
90
00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,899
What?! No! I just
want to leave-- now!
91
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:37,983
Punch it!
92
00:03:40,025 --> 00:03:42,482
Seriously, Oliver,
what is going on?
93
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,232
Did something happen
in ballet?
94
00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:46,024
No, I just want to go.
95
00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:48,024
If you won't talk...
96
00:03:48,025 --> 00:03:49,817
then I'm gonna ask
your teacher.
97
00:04:05,483 --> 00:04:07,149
Fine. You win.
Let's go home.
98
00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:08,816
Sucker!
99
00:04:08,817 --> 00:04:10,774
Let this be a lesson to you--
trust no one.
100
00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:13,400
Not even your
own mother.
That's a terrible
lesson!
101
00:04:15,025 --> 00:04:16,442
Excuse me, Nina?
102
00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:20,857
Oliver has been acting
a little weird,
103
00:04:20,858 --> 00:04:22,149
and I was wondering
if it's something
104
00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:23,607
that I should
know about.
105
00:04:23,608 --> 00:04:25,567
Actually,
there was... an incident.
106
00:04:26,817 --> 00:04:28,857
Oliver was paired up
with Gina Tuscadero.
107
00:04:28,858 --> 00:04:31,482
The granddaughter
of Pinky Tuscadero,
108
00:04:31,483 --> 00:04:34,649
which would make her
Leather Tuscadero's grand-niece?
109
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:37,107
Pinky and Leather are fictional
characters from "Happy Days."
110
00:04:37,108 --> 00:04:38,649
Gina is a real person.
111
00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:40,191
Well, you're no fun.
112
00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,649
Oliver and Gina
were practicing lifts.
113
00:04:46,525 --> 00:04:49,483
And right in front
of the class...
114
00:04:52,983 --> 00:04:54,732
...he kind of got
a lift in his pants...
115
00:04:55,983 --> 00:04:57,524
...if you know
what I mean.
116
00:04:57,525 --> 00:04:59,607
Oliver chubbed out?
117
00:04:59,608 --> 00:05:02,317
Yes. That's what I mean.
118
00:05:04,358 --> 00:05:08,900
We're not talking about this--
not now, not ever.
119
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,650
A-Are you smiling?
120
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:17,650
No.
121
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,941
Why are you so uptight?
122
00:05:22,942 --> 00:05:25,274
I am your mother.
I used to bathe you.
123
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:27,107
Yeah, well, I got
new stuff since then.
124
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:32,024
Oliver, come on!
Let's talk about this.
125
00:05:32,025 --> 00:05:32,941
There's nothing
to discuss.
126
00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,900
I'm never going
to ballet again.
127
00:05:36,025 --> 00:05:37,399
What's wrong with him?
128
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,441
Remember the deal we made when
we decided to have kids?
129
00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:42,941
You handle the vagina questions
and I handle the penisy ones?
130
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:43,942
Exactly.
131
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,274
We had the best
playdate ever.
132
00:05:49,275 --> 00:05:50,816
Anna-Kat, tell your mom
about it,
133
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,816
and don't leave out
any detail.
134
00:05:52,817 --> 00:05:54,441
Well, we went
to the petting zoo.
135
00:05:54,442 --> 00:05:56,107
That sounds like fun.
136
00:05:56,108 --> 00:05:58,691
It was fun, but then I learned
some pretty disturbing things
137
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,857
about where meat
comes from.
138
00:05:59,858 --> 00:06:01,982
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
139
00:06:01,983 --> 00:06:03,816
And after talking it out
with Mrs. Summers...
140
00:06:03,817 --> 00:06:04,941
That's me.
141
00:06:04,942 --> 00:06:06,942
...I've decided
to become a vegan.
142
00:06:10,775 --> 00:06:12,857
You bitch.
143
00:06:12,858 --> 00:06:15,816
Hm. Have fun with your
daughter's new lifestyle.
144
00:06:15,817 --> 00:06:18,691
P.S.-- I literally told her
how the sausage is made.
145
00:06:18,692 --> 00:06:20,482
Bye.
146
00:06:22,233 --> 00:06:24,358
Huh. Anna-Kat's a vegan.
147
00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,607
The quiet makes
me nervous.
148
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,524
If she is a vegan,
149
00:06:33,525 --> 00:06:36,941
that means I will have to cook
two meals every meal.
150
00:06:36,942 --> 00:06:38,524
It doubles my workload.
151
00:06:38,525 --> 00:06:40,149
And I don't want to shop
at the weird aisle
152
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,107
in the grocery store.
I hate that aisle!
153
00:06:42,108 --> 00:06:44,024
They sell soup in boxes.
It's unnatural.
154
00:06:44,025 --> 00:06:45,566
They do have nice lotions, though.
155
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,899
Just when you think you have
everything under control,
156
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,316
your kids change on you.
157
00:06:48,317 --> 00:06:50,649
I don't change!
You don't see me having growth.
158
00:06:50,650 --> 00:06:52,357
I certainly do not.
159
00:06:52,358 --> 00:06:54,274
I'll handle Anna-Kat.
You talk to Oliver.
160
00:06:54,275 --> 00:06:55,899
Got it.
161
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,732
Wait. What's wrong
with Oliver?
162
00:06:57,733 --> 00:07:01,566
He had a moment in ballet class
where he was...
163
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,441
you at my nana's funeral.
164
00:07:04,442 --> 00:07:06,524
We agreed that
was not my fault.
165
00:07:06,525 --> 00:07:08,857
We were packed in like sardines,
and you look sexy in black.
166
00:07:10,608 --> 00:07:14,441
Anna-Kat, animals are actually
happy to be eaten.
167
00:07:14,442 --> 00:07:15,816
We're doing them
a solid.
168
00:07:15,817 --> 00:07:18,066
Non-vegan food is full
of hormones, Mama.
169
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,649
Do you want me to get
my period when I'm 9?
170
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,732
I'm gonna kill Tara Summers!
171
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,441
I am a vegan,
I will always be a vegan,
172
00:07:25,442 --> 00:07:29,607
and there is nothing
you can do to change my mind.
173
00:07:29,608 --> 00:07:31,107
I'll give you
10 bucks to stop.
174
00:07:31,108 --> 00:07:33,524
Please.
Ohhhh.
175
00:07:33,525 --> 00:07:35,357
Son, you're an Otto.
176
00:07:35,358 --> 00:07:38,357
That means you're genetically
predisposed to humiliation.
177
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,899
Your cousin Freddy
kissed his own mother
178
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:43,274
because he panicked on
a kiss cam at a Knicks game.
179
00:07:43,275 --> 00:07:45,774
Your grandfather Reginald
had a lactose issue,
180
00:07:45,775 --> 00:07:47,691
which ultimately
made his roommate,
181
00:07:47,692 --> 00:07:49,816
Donald Whoopie, millions.
182
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,857
Your great-grandfather
Frederick Otto--
Dad, what's
your point?
183
00:07:51,858 --> 00:07:53,316
My point is,
they didn't let those
184
00:07:53,317 --> 00:07:55,107
embarrassing moments
define them.
185
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,607
Yeah, but it did
define them.
186
00:07:56,608 --> 00:07:57,816
All these years later,
187
00:07:57,817 --> 00:07:59,858
that's all they're
remembered for, right?
188
00:08:05,858 --> 00:08:08,067
I'm gonna need some time
to regroup.
189
00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:12,899
How did it go?
Awful. You?
190
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:15,149
She almost convinced me
that cheese has feelings.
191
00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:17,274
Had to get out of there.
Well, at least only two
192
00:08:17,275 --> 00:08:18,732
of the three
kids are--
Hey, guys.
193
00:08:18,733 --> 00:08:20,191
What do you think?
194
00:08:20,192 --> 00:08:21,774
Never mind.
Three for three.
195
00:08:21,775 --> 00:08:22,774
So you like it?
196
00:08:22,775 --> 00:08:25,232
What has gotten into you?
197
00:08:25,233 --> 00:08:27,066
You are not allowed
to dye your hair
198
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,357
without asking
for permission.
199
00:08:28,358 --> 00:08:30,482
Uh, I'm pretty sure I can,
because I just did.
200
00:08:30,483 --> 00:08:32,482
And it's my hair!
That is not your hair!
201
00:08:32,483 --> 00:08:34,941
As long as you live in this
house, it's my hair.
202
00:08:34,942 --> 00:08:36,691
Everything you have
is mine!
203
00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:38,691
Your liver? I'm letting
you borrow it.
204
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:39,899
You could at least
admit it's cute.
205
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,691
Cute?! It's not cute!
206
00:08:43,817 --> 00:08:46,649
A pig in a skirt--
that's cute!
207
00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:48,649
Ugh! These girls
are killing me!
208
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:50,566
I need to lie down.
209
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,774
Where are you going?
210
00:08:51,775 --> 00:08:52,899
Target.
211
00:08:59,192 --> 00:09:01,024
My girls are growing up
and not bending to my will.
212
00:09:01,025 --> 00:09:03,899
They're forming their
own... opinions.
213
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,857
Ugh. It's your
fault, Katie.
214
00:09:05,858 --> 00:09:07,649
You always ask them
"What's the matter?"
215
00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:08,816
when they're crying.
216
00:09:08,817 --> 00:09:10,357
Personally, Katie,
I don't see what's wrong
217
00:09:10,358 --> 00:09:11,691
with your children
being their own people.
218
00:09:11,692 --> 00:09:13,441
Surprise, surprise.
What?
219
00:09:13,442 --> 00:09:15,066
Taylor is just trying
to be popular,
220
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:17,399
and Anna-Kat is just
showing some independence.
221
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,524
Who invited lesbian Dr. Phil
to breakfast?
222
00:09:20,525 --> 00:09:23,149
Uh, just because I care
about my kids' feelings...
223
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,982
Yeah, so dumb.
224
00:09:24,983 --> 00:09:27,024
You're dealing with
a full-on uprising.
225
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,899
You can't talk things
through with them.
226
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,357
You need to crush them
before your house
227
00:09:30,358 --> 00:09:32,524
becomes like Angela's.
Um, my house
228
00:09:32,525 --> 00:09:34,399
is a safe space where
everyone is allowed
229
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,482
to openly express
their truths.
230
00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:39,649
Kids!
231
00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:43,441
I respect that you enjoy
spraying water in the house,
232
00:09:43,442 --> 00:09:44,857
but I've asked you to stop,
233
00:09:44,858 --> 00:09:47,774
and now I'm feeling
a little unheard.
234
00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:52,191
I can see you're not in a place
to discuss the issue right now,
235
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,982
so we can talk
about it at bedtime.
236
00:09:53,983 --> 00:09:56,316
Which is, as always,
at your discretion.
237
00:09:57,358 --> 00:09:59,483
So yeah,
I'm a good mother.
238
00:10:00,608 --> 00:10:02,275
But your story
didn't prove--
I'm a good mother.
239
00:10:03,317 --> 00:10:04,482
Mm.
240
00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,649
Kids, line up!
241
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:12,066
You are all going to start
behaving right now.
242
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:13,399
Okay, Mom, I'll dye
my hair back.
243
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,399
And I'll eat
meat again.
244
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,941
And I'll stop with
the erections.
245
00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:16,899
Yes!
246
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,482
I'm the best mom ever.
247
00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:21,024
So, which passage?
248
00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:23,399
Oh, God!
I must've fallen asleep.
249
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,982
Come on, Katie. What's your
favorite passage?
250
00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:27,982
I don't need
to pick a passage.
251
00:10:27,983 --> 00:10:30,066
I know everything
about this guy.
252
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,899
You don't even
know his name.
253
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:33,774
You keep calling him
"Rod Stewart Mill."
254
00:10:33,775 --> 00:10:36,107
Mom, my phone's
not working.
255
00:10:36,108 --> 00:10:38,232
Get your keys.
We need to go get a new one.
256
00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:39,774
What is wrong with you?
257
00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:41,107
Why are you just
standing there?!
258
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,941
This is my life,
and I'm being cut off!
259
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,566
I'm missing things!
260
00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:45,774
Well, Taylor,
since you're doing
261
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,232
what you want
with your hair,
262
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,316
I'm doing what I want
with my phone.
263
00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:51,274
You see, it's mine,
because I paid for it,
264
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,399
so I turned
the service off.
265
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,067
You are the worst!
266
00:10:56,275 --> 00:10:57,441
A couple of days
without her cellphone--
267
00:10:57,442 --> 00:10:59,899
that just might do it.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
268
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,567
And just
to be sure...
269
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,732
Where's all my stuff?!
270
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:06,274
If you're old enough
to dye your own hair,
271
00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:08,316
then you're old enough
to get your own stuff!
272
00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,691
You got rid of
all her things?
I did.
273
00:11:10,692 --> 00:11:12,316
Everything? Her bed,
her dresser?
274
00:11:12,317 --> 00:11:13,941
All of it's
in the garage.
How did you--
275
00:11:13,942 --> 00:11:15,941
You know how when a child
is stuck under a car,
276
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,857
a mother's love can give
her superhuman strength?
277
00:11:17,858 --> 00:11:20,899
Turns out, it also kicks in
when a mother's really pissed.
278
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:21,899
Mm.
279
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,482
And you.
280
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,857
You're coming with me to shop
for your very own dinner.
281
00:11:25,858 --> 00:11:27,399
That sounds like fun.
282
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,899
Sorry, Katie. I just can't
get my head around this.
283
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,732
That dresser's 200 pounds.
284
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,941
Rage, Greg.
It makes me strong.
285
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:42,274
Welcome to Hell.
286
00:11:42,275 --> 00:11:45,316
This aisle is filled with all
sorts of vegan nightmares.
287
00:11:45,317 --> 00:11:47,191
Here's some deodorant
that doesn't work,
288
00:11:47,192 --> 00:11:48,732
something called yeast butter,
289
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,982
and-- ooh-- a guy with
his hair in a bun.
290
00:11:50,983 --> 00:11:54,274
He looks homeless, but he's
spending 15 bucks on hemp milk.
291
00:11:54,275 --> 00:11:56,066
Okay.
292
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,399
For dinner,
I was thinking
293
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,441
I'll just fill this thing
with this slimy stuff.
294
00:12:01,442 --> 00:12:04,816
As long as it didn't have
parents, I'll eat it.
295
00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:06,274
Excuse me.
296
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,482
Everything in this aisle
is just so natural.
297
00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:10,691
Ugh. I need a bath
and a turkey leg.
298
00:12:10,692 --> 00:12:14,732
Katie Otto,
in my aisle, buying tofu.
299
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,191
Give it a rest, Tara.
300
00:12:16,192 --> 00:12:18,649
No, it's still fun.
301
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,524
Anna-Kat, did you know that
leather comes from cow skin?
302
00:12:21,525 --> 00:12:23,567
Your mother's purse
used to be an animal.
303
00:12:24,775 --> 00:12:27,816
Oh. No.
Not this purse.
304
00:12:27,817 --> 00:12:29,441
Excuse me.
305
00:12:29,442 --> 00:12:31,649
Would you please get that blue
jar of Veganaise for me?
306
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,482
My pleasure.
307
00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:38,816
No.
It's my pleasure.
308
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,107
Sloppy joes?
309
00:12:48,108 --> 00:12:50,024
Sloppy joes
are my favorite.
310
00:12:50,025 --> 00:12:51,191
They are?
311
00:12:51,192 --> 00:12:52,857
Too bad you don't
eat meat anymore.
312
00:12:52,858 --> 00:12:54,691
Your dinner is this.
313
00:12:54,692 --> 00:12:56,441
It's called brown-loaf.
314
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,607
And it tastes exactly
like it sounds.
Yuck.
315
00:12:59,608 --> 00:13:00,691
Hey, you should picture that
next time
316
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,108
you lift Gina Tuscadero.
317
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,982
Okay, Mom.
Ha ha ha.
318
00:13:05,983 --> 00:13:07,482
I get it.
319
00:13:07,483 --> 00:13:09,732
I can't use your plates
or your silverware.
320
00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,232
But come on. It's sloppy joes.
I'll make a mess.
321
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:14,066
Actually, blondie,
you don't get it.
322
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,774
If you're old enough
to dye your hair,
323
00:13:15,775 --> 00:13:17,983
then you're old enough
to make your own dinner
with your own food.
324
00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:20,607
I'm calling
Child Services!
325
00:13:20,608 --> 00:13:21,649
With what?
326
00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:22,857
Ugh!
327
00:13:22,858 --> 00:13:24,524
Uprising crushed.
328
00:13:24,525 --> 00:13:26,232
Opinions and ideas squelched.
329
00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:29,316
Children-- sad.
Mom-- happy.
330
00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:31,816
Husband-- messy.
331
00:13:31,817 --> 00:13:33,691
How does it taste,
Anna-Kat?
332
00:13:33,692 --> 00:13:36,607
Brown and loafy?
333
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,149
It tastes like dirt.
334
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,066
I love dirt.
335
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,941
I just used
the family computer
336
00:13:41,942 --> 00:13:44,024
to order myself a pizza
and an air mattress.
337
00:13:44,025 --> 00:13:46,232
Should be here
in 30 minutes or less.
338
00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:48,024
How the hell
did you do that?
339
00:13:48,025 --> 00:13:49,524
I have some birthday money
saved up,
340
00:13:49,525 --> 00:13:50,899
and the Internet
is awesome.
341
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:51,900
It is awesome.
342
00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:55,857
The Internet, not that
she outsmarted you.
343
00:13:55,858 --> 00:13:57,482
That's awful.
344
00:13:57,483 --> 00:13:59,066
Brown-loaf awful.
345
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,107
Brown-loaf
is my new favorite.
346
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,858
Wow, Katie, you have
really lost control.
347
00:14:04,733 --> 00:14:05,692
Uggggh.
348
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,066
I cracked down on my kids,
like you suggested,
349
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,524
but it only made them
crappier.
350
00:14:12,525 --> 00:14:14,274
Well, then, you have
to double down.
351
00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:16,441
Give Taylor a one-way
bus ticket to Norwalk.
352
00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:17,649
Let her fend for herself,
353
00:14:17,650 --> 00:14:18,982
live in a box with
her huffer friends,
354
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,899
and she'll come
crawling back.
355
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:22,357
Now, as for Anna-Kat,
I'm thinking,
356
00:14:22,358 --> 00:14:24,691
uh... dog crate
for a few days,
357
00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:26,691
and then throw in
a hamburger.
358
00:14:26,692 --> 00:14:28,274
Saying things like that
is why those people
359
00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:30,482
came and talked to you
at your house.
360
00:14:30,483 --> 00:14:32,066
You know what I think
you should do--
361
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,441
talk to them-- not as a parent,
but as a person.
362
00:14:34,442 --> 00:14:35,982
Oh, my God,
here we go.
363
00:14:35,983 --> 00:14:38,232
Listen, if you shut your kids
down all the time,
364
00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:39,982
they'll start doing things
behind your back.
365
00:14:39,983 --> 00:14:42,107
My parents gave me
a long leash,
366
00:14:42,108 --> 00:14:43,441
so I felt comfortable
talking to them.
367
00:14:43,442 --> 00:14:45,316
And by the time
I was Taylor's age,
368
00:14:45,317 --> 00:14:47,357
I knew I could tell them
I was gay.
369
00:14:47,358 --> 00:14:49,941
Some of my friends
weren't so lucky.
370
00:14:49,942 --> 00:14:51,607
They hid who they were
and led a secret life,
371
00:14:51,608 --> 00:14:54,066
which sucked for them.
372
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:57,024
So, sure, your kids need
to know you as a parent,
373
00:14:57,025 --> 00:15:00,107
but at a certain age, they need
to know you as a person.
374
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,316
Give them your heart
and give them your soul,
375
00:15:02,317 --> 00:15:04,232
and they'll know they can
come to you with anything.
376
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,983
If Katie wasn't here,
you and I would not be friends.
377
00:15:12,108 --> 00:15:14,107
So, I'm going to stop
taking Doris' advice
378
00:15:14,108 --> 00:15:15,441
and try Angela's way.
379
00:15:15,442 --> 00:15:17,441
I'm gonna embrace the fact
that Taylor's changing
380
00:15:17,442 --> 00:15:19,649
and try talking to her--
like a person.
381
00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:21,442
Hey, if that works on her,
maybe you should try it on me.
382
00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:24,982
Noooo!
Noooo!
383
00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:26,941
Are you gonna try talking
to Oliver again?
384
00:15:26,942 --> 00:15:29,274
Yeah. You know, I finally found
a passage for my reading,
385
00:15:29,275 --> 00:15:31,567
and it inspired me to try to
give him some perspective.
386
00:15:32,692 --> 00:15:34,482
So you inspired yourself?
387
00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:36,524
Yeah, well...
388
00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:38,649
I guess I did.
389
00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,607
Perhaps
you should read it.
390
00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:43,107
It may help you
with Taylor, as well.
391
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,608
Uhhhhhhhhhhh...
392
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:48,525
Whoa!
393
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,149
You're doing homework without
being forced or threatened?
394
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,733
Yes. See what you've
reduced me to?
395
00:15:57,108 --> 00:16:00,857
I came here to tell you
that when I was your age,
396
00:16:00,858 --> 00:16:03,316
I desperately wanted
a belly ring.
397
00:16:03,317 --> 00:16:06,024
But instead of asking Grandma
for permission,
398
00:16:06,025 --> 00:16:08,149
I had Jill Tate shove
a safety pin
399
00:16:08,150 --> 00:16:09,566
right through
my belly button.
400
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:10,816
Didn't that hurt?
401
00:16:10,817 --> 00:16:11,900
It would've,
but I was super hi--
402
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,857
I had a super-high pain
tolerance back then.
403
00:16:15,858 --> 00:16:18,107
Uh-huh.
So, anyway,
404
00:16:18,108 --> 00:16:20,607
my piercing got infected,
obviously,
405
00:16:20,608 --> 00:16:22,274
but I couldn't ask
my parents for help.
406
00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:23,316
So what'd you do?
407
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,066
Wore a lot of
baggy shirts.
408
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,982
And eventually, I had to steal
my dog's antibiotics,
409
00:16:27,983 --> 00:16:29,816
which did the trick.
410
00:16:29,817 --> 00:16:32,733
But without his medication,
Duke lost most of his fur.
411
00:16:36,858 --> 00:16:39,107
I'm sorry I dyed my hair
without permission.
412
00:16:39,108 --> 00:16:41,191
Why didn't you come
talk to me first?
413
00:16:41,192 --> 00:16:43,524
Because-- I knew
you would say no.
414
00:16:43,525 --> 00:16:45,107
Sounds like me.
415
00:16:45,108 --> 00:16:46,566
How 'bout this?
416
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:49,816
I won't automatically
say no to things
417
00:16:49,817 --> 00:16:51,732
if you promise to talk
to me first.
418
00:16:51,733 --> 00:16:53,482
Deal.
419
00:16:53,483 --> 00:16:55,566
So I can keep my hair?
Absolutely not.
420
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:57,816
That is not grandfathered
into our new understanding.
421
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:58,941
And even with our new
understanding,
422
00:16:58,942 --> 00:16:59,983
I still would say no.
423
00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:02,774
I don't see what
I've won here.
424
00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:03,900
Very little.
425
00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:09,149
How did it go?
426
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:11,399
I gave him my best stuff, but
he's still not going to ballet.
427
00:17:12,858 --> 00:17:14,982
Ooh. Suddenly, I feel
underdressed.
428
00:17:18,192 --> 00:17:20,191
Basically, I told Oliver he
shouldn't let embarrassment
429
00:17:20,192 --> 00:17:21,524
stop him from doing
something he loves
430
00:17:21,525 --> 00:17:22,982
and he needs to soldier
through it.
431
00:17:22,983 --> 00:17:24,566
And even though it doesn't
seem like it now,
432
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,274
one day, this will all
just be a funny story
he tells at parties.
433
00:17:27,275 --> 00:17:29,441
I've got a much shorter story
about my talk with Taylor.
434
00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:30,482
I crushed it!
435
00:17:35,775 --> 00:17:37,316
Who's doing this?
436
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,649
My reading is in an hour!
I can't find any of my belts!
437
00:17:42,650 --> 00:17:44,316
Leather belts are made
out of animals,
438
00:17:44,317 --> 00:17:46,399
so I gave them all
a proper burial.
439
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,357
I will help you
kill Tara Summers.
440
00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:53,107
Okay. But I want this face
to be the last one she sees.
441
00:17:53,108 --> 00:17:54,857
Honey, you look great.
Don't worry.
442
00:17:54,858 --> 00:17:58,691
Kids,
I made a new recipe--
443
00:17:58,692 --> 00:18:00,025
veggie chicken.
444
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,107
What's it made out of?
445
00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:03,942
Tofu.
446
00:18:05,692 --> 00:18:07,775
And what's the bone
made out of?
447
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,525
Also tofu.
448
00:18:14,525 --> 00:18:16,774
Even though I have to talk
things out more with Taylor,
449
00:18:16,775 --> 00:18:18,357
Anna-Kat is 8.
450
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,816
I don't have to treat her
like a person.
451
00:18:19,817 --> 00:18:22,107
Lying to her works just fine.
452
00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:29,982
Good crowd.
453
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,483
And that's why
I love you.
454
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,191
Good evening.
455
00:18:38,192 --> 00:18:40,774
My name is Gregory Otto,
and I am the author.
456
00:18:40,775 --> 00:18:44,024
I'd like to begin the evening
with a reading from my book
457
00:18:44,025 --> 00:18:46,149
"John Stuart Mill
and the Consequences
458
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:48,108
of a Thoroughgoing
Empiricist Outlook."
459
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:53,316
"London, 1806.
460
00:18:53,317 --> 00:18:56,357
A philosopher is born."
461
00:18:56,358 --> 00:18:58,982
It's too bad the advice Greg
gave Oliver didn't work,
462
00:18:58,983 --> 00:19:00,941
because it was spot-on.
463
00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:02,149
"...John's father,
464
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,566
historian and political theorist
James Mill..."
465
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:07,649
Oh, my God.
It's just like "The Matrix."
466
00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:09,857
Oliver can't be told how to
soldier through embarrassment.
467
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,274
He has to see it for himself.
468
00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:14,107
"...all it knows from
the external world.
469
00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:16,607
Whatever pleasure is derived
from internal processes
470
00:19:16,608 --> 00:19:19,316
can be attribute to
the external stimuli.
471
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:20,566
The--"
472
00:19:33,192 --> 00:19:36,732
"Mill's canonical work
on utilitarianism,
473
00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:40,274
aptly entitled 'Utilitarianism',
474
00:19:40,275 --> 00:19:43,566
argues for a thoroughgoing
empiricist, himself,
475
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:46,024
a trait inherited from Bentham
and all other conclusions..."
476
00:19:46,025 --> 00:19:47,067
Thank you.
477
00:19:49,692 --> 00:19:52,149
I get what you did.
478
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,858
You were publicly embarrassed,
but you didn't quit.
479
00:19:55,275 --> 00:19:56,566
Yep.
480
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:58,900
That's... why I had
your mother do that.
481
00:20:00,192 --> 00:20:01,399
So you're not gonna
quit ballet?
482
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,442
No. I'm just gonna
triple up on tights.
483
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,149
You.
484
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:10,607
What?
485
00:20:10,608 --> 00:20:11,982
We talked about
one of us
486
00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:13,357
embarrassing ourselves
to make a point.
487
00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:15,191
Did you really think
it was going to be me?
488
00:20:15,192 --> 00:20:18,232
I thought maybe, but I live a
whole secret life in my head.
489
00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:20,024
I thought you sounded
great out there.
490
00:20:20,025 --> 00:20:21,857
And when your book
comes out on tape,
491
00:20:21,858 --> 00:20:22,941
I'm gonna read it.
492
00:20:22,942 --> 00:20:24,316
Aww. Thanks, honey.
493
00:20:24,317 --> 00:20:26,692
I mean that now.
Can't imagine I will.
494
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,274
Anna-Kat, are you sure
this is the place?
495
00:20:36,275 --> 00:20:37,857
Honestly,
I don't remember.
496
00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:40,024
You put me on the spot,
and I pointed.
497
00:20:40,025 --> 00:20:42,482
Why don't you just
buy a new belt?
498
00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:44,774
{\an8}I'm not buying a new belt when
there's a perfectly good belt
499
00:20:44,775 --> 00:20:48,024
{\an8}buried somewhere
in this backyard.
500
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:50,066
{\an8}Ugh!
501
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,817
{\an8}Oh, my-- Greg!
502
00:20:54,817 --> 00:20:56,941
{\an8}See, Oliver? Another
classic Otto story.
503
00:20:56,942 --> 00:20:57,733
{\an8}Ooh!
504
00:20:59,817 --> 00:21:02,232
{\an8}That's it.
I'm not having kids.
505
00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:04,274
{\an8}This madness ends with me.
37823
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