Original subtitles

Four years of film school for this shit.

Yep, $200,000 in debt,

and now you get to film another shitty

pilot presentation for another

fucking house-flipping show.

God, what a fucking loser.

Kill me.

Hello?

Hello?

You're too late.

I already sold it.

You scared me.

There's no reason to be scared.

There's always another home right around the corner,

just waiting to be flipped.

I'm Trip Engold, and you must be Wes.

Yes.

Look at you.

Yeah.

You got a really good energy about you.

You seem like a real professional.

Oh, right, yes. I, I, I, I--

I brought my transcript per your request,

and then also my degree in cinematography...

There's no need, I already called

the university and vetted you.

I'm sorry to be such a stickler in the hiring process,

but professionalism is very important to me, Wes.

How do you feel about it?

Uh, about what?

Professionalism.

I-I'm for it...

I think it's the single most important quality

a human being can possess.

I think the lack of it is the reason our society

has gone off the rails, don't you agree?

Yeah, totally...

Of course. Permission to hug?

Okay, coming in anyway!

- Okay... - Okay.

I hope you're ready to get going

because we are going to make magic.

The first scene for the pilot

of the greatest house flipping show ever made,

Flipped and Sold with Trip Engold.

Okay, are you rolling? - I'm rolling.

Okay, that's a problem because I know you're not rolling.

I know this camera, and when it's rolling,

the red light is beeping,

and it's not beeping right now, Wes.

- No, no-- - You're not rolling, Wes!

Look, look, look... - I'm rolling!

Look, the red light is on. Just take a look...

You're lying. You're lying to me!

I swear! Take a look at it, man.

I don't see it.

I don't...

I got you! I got you!

Yeah, I know. Y-- You got me.

Professionalism, Wes.

The single most important quality,

followed closely by a good sense of humor.

Okay.

You're all right, Wes.

I think this is going to be a good day.

You know, you did a really great job

filming that intro back there, Wes.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, 100%, total pro.

Are you going to tell me how I did?

Um, I thought you were great.

- Really? - Yeah...

That means so much coming from you.

I really want to get this right.

So many of these house flipping shows,

they're just janky, you know?

And not just the filmmaking, the flips themselves.

They're downright unethical, you know?

They ignore the fundamental issues of the homes,

the plumbing, the electrical.

And they think what? Because you slap

some 22 cent subway tile on it,

that it's a good flip? I don't think so.

I don't think so...

Yeah, uh, yeah, totally.

You get it, man. You're so great.

So I think now would be

a good time to get some B-roll, you know?

I see this as the second part of the pilot

where some kinda funky music is playing,

and I'm explaining to audiences that we're headed off

to a remote section of the woods,

we're going to see this dilapidated, kinda creepy home,

which, spoiler alert, of course,

is going to be somebody's dream home.

But right now, it's like,

almost looks like a place you get murdered in.

You know?

- Uh... - So, yeah, look around.

Get some stuff. - Okay.

That's just some tools of the trade.

I like to carry a shovel to dig into the foundation,

make sure it's solid.

Right, um,

and the...

the plastic tarp?

You ask a lot of questions.

Well, like you said,

I'm a professional.

Plastic tarp is for some painting we're gonna do.

Also, occasionally find some dead vermin

underneath the house, and plastic's always good

for carrying out bodies.

That makes sense. Yeah, totally.

Um, yeah.

Um, could you remind me again where we're going?

Yeah, it's just about 20 minutes up ahead here.

We're getting there.

Right.

Um, what, what, what's the address?

Why do you need the address?

I'm just, I, curious...

You're a squirmy little bugger.

Look at you, you're shaking over there.

Yeah, I, I, I, I think I--

I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Oh, well, there's not many rest stops out here.

Not much of anything. But, you know.

You can just wait till we get to the house.

I'm, I'm just not, I'm not sure if I could hold it.

Well, it's really close. You're fine.

I-It's number one.

So ma-- maybe you could pull over real quick.

No, there's no shoulder on the road.

I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you.

I-I know, I just-- I really, really got to go.

This came on kind of suddenly.

Yeah, man, I don't know. I just-- I can't...

I don't know, c-- can you pull over, please?

Because I really got to go-- - No, I can't do it,

because it's dangerous...

How do you-- no, please stop, I just really gotta go.

How do you open this thing? Fuck--

Fine. You gotta go, you gotta go.

Whoa!

Not very professional, Wes.

Jesus.

All right.

Do I need a shovel? Sure.

It's a real bummer, Wes.

Not only

is this unprofessional,

it's downright anticlimactic.

I mean, I spent a lotta time on that house.

It's a house of horrors,

the likes of which we haven't seen

since the climax of Home Alone 2...

Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you're going to make it this easy.

It's okay...

This is just a little confusing, is all.

I mean, I'm confused, you know?

It's all happening

a lot faster than it normally does.

I mean, part of me wants

to stretch it out, you know?

Let you run around a little bit.

I could chase you some more.

But also another part of me is like,

this feels kinda sad.

Please, I just...

Yeah, it's sad.

I don't think we can do this all over.

Put it in my calendar tomorrow.

Find somewhere else...

a little more professional.

Oh, my God.

Didn't even come close to using you.

Sorry, PF. Not your night.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm getting rusty.

They're onto me so quickly.

Too many clues in the backseat, maybe?

Wonder if I put the tarp...

Yeah, just the tarp, in the back.

And then save the shovel,

the big reveal, at the house.

Might be a...

You guys! Thank God!

Step away from the car!

Okay! Thank God! Thank God you're here--

Do not move! Hands on your head.

- Yes! - You got him, Maher?

Yeah, but look what happened...

Look! Look!

- Hands on your head. - Yes!

We got a male,

20s, unconscious.

He's not unconscious. He's dead!

It's my sweet Wes, and that man killed him!

Oh, God!

He's in the woods, and he's getting away.

Get down on the ground, right now!

- You don't understand! - On the ground, now!

Okay, all right. Okay, okay.

You guys are great.

You're great, and you're very in command,

and you're doing a great job, but you're missing

one very important thing.

There is a man, a killer,

who killed my friend,

and he is in the woods!

Who are you talking about, sir?

I don't know.

- Okay... - I'm sorry.

I'm just so stupid. I didn't get his name.

Tell us what happened step by step, sir.

Okay.

But it's really scary.

There was a man.

He was a bad man, but he didn't seem like it.

He was a little weird and hyper,

but he seemed harmless.

And he hired me and Wes,

my filmmaking partner, to film this pilot

for this really interesting

new house flipping type show, you know?

And he had a cool take.

It was like

integrity and professionalism...

Sir, please get to the point.

Yes, I'm sorry.

It's so...

Sir, are you okay?

I feel like I'm in a horror movie.

Is this real? Are you even real?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

He put us in the car, and he drove us

out into these woods.

And there was like,

all these weird things started happening.

I looked in the back and there was a shovel

and there was a plastic tarp.

And then I looked at Wes,

and I was like, "This is weird, right?"

And then, Wes is really smart.

And he was like, "Sir, I have to go to the bathroom."

And the guy's like, "No, you can't go to the bathroom."

We're almost to the house."

Wes was like, "I really have to pee."

And he's like, "No."

And so Wes just bolted out of the car

and he ran in that direction.

And I ran in that direction.

And the guy,

he just chased Wes instead,

and he killed him, and...

And I feel guilty

that I'm alive, and he's not.

- But then I got-- - Sir...

Wait, wait, I'm not finished.

Hold on, that's when I got really brave.

And I jumped on his back and I whacked him with

a shovel, like two times, really hard.

And he started wobbling. He was like, getting up...

Okay, okay!

- Stay down! Stay down! - Right.

But he was wobbling away.

And so I said, I just gotta grab Wes

and put him in the car and take him to the police.

And that's when you showed up.

Why didn't you just call us?

Because there's no c--

Hey, get your hands out of your pocket!

Stop yelling at me like I'm the bad guy!

I'm the good one here.

The bad guy is out in the woods

and you are wasting your time here with me.

I promise you I'll stay here.

I'll be a little well-behaved nugget.

Sir, have you used any substances?

No, I haven't used any substances.

Please, one of you,

I'm begging you, you or you,

go in the woods.

He could be out there.

Please.

Go check it out.

Thank you.

- Sir, on the ground. - Thank you.

On the ground. And just wait here.

Yes, okay. I will.

He's wearing a black button-up shirt

and silk black pants.

We'll take care of it, sir.

Make sure you get the right one.

Dispatch, this is Officer Maher.

I'm out on Old Hutch Road.

I need backup.

We have an incident out here.

About 50 yards off the turnout.

Thank you so much.

Listen, officer, I have a question.

It's totally okay if this is a no,

but my knees are really just barking at me.

Is it okay if I just sit like crisscross applesauce?

- Sir, that is... - Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much. - It's fine, sir.

Good at your job and kind, too.

I hope your friend's doing okay out there.

This guy is really dangerous.

I mean, I think he could be an actual serial killer.

The poise, the charisma.

He's just a real professional.

Please be quiet.

Mm-hmm, copy.

Is that backup you're calling in?

Sorry.

None of my business.

Good thing for backup, though, right?

Did you always know you wanted to be a cop?

That's personal. I'm sorry.

I'm just curious about the whole process, you know?

It's such an important job.

You gotta be really good at it.

So do they vet you?

Is it a really long school?

Can anybody become a cop?

You have so many people's lives in your hands.

It's like airline pilots, you know?

You're just like,

okay, he's flying us around.

I hope he's competent.

I know I'm talking a lot. Just two more quick things.

First, I'm so sorry

I was such a crazy person earlier.

I'm together now.

And secondly, thank you.

Thank you for showing up

and being so good at your job.

There's no one out there.

Yeah?

Yeah.

But I did find some blood

and some evidence of a scuffle for sure.

So he's not lie about that.

Wait, you think...

You thought it was lying?

We don't know what happened here, sir.

Sir, all we know is that we found you dragging

a dead body in a sheet of plastic

heading towards your car.

It's his car, not my car!

Yeah, okay, but you're the only person out here

and we have a responsibility

to go with only the evidence we have.

So...

Wes? Wes!

You're alive!

Easy, easy. Back away, sir!

Back away. Sit down!

You okay? You okay?

- You're okay, buddy... - Sir, we need you

to be quiet so that we can ask your friend some questions.

Slow, slowly, slow. Take it slow.

Take it slow...

Okay, sir, we're going to help you.

Easy breaths. Easy breaths.

Okay...

Sir, are you okay?

I don't know. I don't...

Sir, I'm a police officer.

I'm here to help.

I-I can't...

I-I'm sorry. I can't really see you.

Who are you?

I'm a police officer.

I'm here to help.

- You are? - Yeah.

You are? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you.

Where is he? Where is that horrible man?

- Which man? Which man? - Who are you talking about?

The killer. The killer!

He's wearing a black button up shirt

with black pants.

He's so fucking evil.

He's so evil...

He said he was a real estate agent

and he wanted to make a video

for some stupid fucking house show.

And then he chased me into the woods,

and then he tried to kill me with a shovel.

Okay, all right, sir.

Oh, wow.

That's a lot of blood.

Shit, we need to get him to a hospital.

- Please help me... - Wait, you're not finished

questioning him yet, though.

No, get him-- get him to the hospital!

Just take him in... - I got him, I got him.

Here we go. Here we go...

Sir, sir, we need you to back away.

You're okay, okay, come on.

Come on, man, come on.

Sir, follow us to the hospital, okay?

Yes, and then we'll continue the questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Are you serious?

Sir, sir?

What are you doing?

Get back in the car.

Follow us directly to the hospital.

I have to talk to you about something.

Get back in your car.

It's going to be a bit uncomfortable,

but it's very, very important.

I don't know. It's your turn, man.

- W-we don't have time-- - Is he kidding me right now?

We have somebody, we need to get him to the hospital.

- One thing... - Go handle this.

- I'll go check. - Yeah, you!

- Oh, okay. - We got to get there...

Yeah, I know we got to get there.

God damn it! Sir, what are you doing?

You have to follow us to the hospital.

Turn around here so we can turn around--

No, no, no, no!

What I wanted to tell you is that

you're incredibly unprofessional.

Very...

un... pro... fessional.

You guys should not be letting people like me go.

It's so disappointing.

You're supposed to protect us.

I don't know.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just getting old.

Is excellence not a thing anymore?

It's like all we're shooting for

is just a...

B-minus.

Everybody gets a trophy, you know?

Sure, everybody gets a trophy.

You get a trophy,

you get a trophy,

everybody gets a trophy.

Oh, right.