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(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

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STU: Dude, what's up with your grandma?

ALEX: She's all good. Yeah, she is.

I just had dinner with her.

You know, I remember the first time

I dreamt about your grandmother.

Honestly, I can't deal with that tonight.

Do you ever look at your grandma

and be like, "Damn, I got a hot grandma"?

Why do you like my grandma so much?

Your grandma is hot.

Dude, you're a sick bastard.

Well, that's the first time I ever seen a Botoxed ass.

There's not a wrinkle in your grandmother's ass.

Why is it always about my grandma?

Well, your grandma's ass is tight, all right? It's tight.

That's why I'll be bangin' your grandma to Color Me Badd.

♪ Ooh... ♪

Why you gotta say that shit? Why you gotta...

Let me ask you a question, though.

What's up with this car, though?

What's up with the Silly Putty and the rice cakes,

and how come I got a chew toy up my ass?

Why do you have a chew toy up your ass?

I don't know. Why don't you...

Tell me, why are we sitting here?

Why am I sitting on crackers right now?

There's crackers all up in this car.

Why you gotta say "crackers" all the time?

I'm not talking about you when I say "cracker." Oh. Oh.

You know she went to Mexico with him?

Did she tell you that?

That Astrid friend of hers did.

See, that's who you should be banging. (CLICKS TONGUE SUGGESTIVELY)

Mmm-hmm.

You think she's sleeping with him?

No!

Oh, come on, man!

You don't take a girl to Mexico

unless you plan on filling that taco with some beef.

Dude, there's no way he's doing all that spending if he's hitting it steady.

Trust me, he's still courting. Wait, wait, wait.

Mexico?

New ride?

You find a good parking spot,

you gotta keep feeding that meter,

(WARBLING) you know what I mean?

Oh, scanner's clear, boys.

Everybody check your guns. Check.

'Cause my grandma did the laundry.

What is the problem?

What, this isn't scary? What?

You gotta be kidding me. What?

You gotta be kidding me.

Try and tell me it's not scary.

Just 'cause yours is black, man.

STU: Why does it always gotta be about color?

(BEEPS)

(SNORING)

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

(RESUMES SNORING)

ERIC: Hey, uh, that a deviated septum?

(GROGGILY) What the... What? Wait.

You can get that fixed, you know.

Is this some kind of sick joke?

You ever hear the one about Little Johnny and his left nut?

That's a sick joke.

(GRUNTING NERVOUSLY)

What do you guys want?

I think you know.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh...

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, God, I just got a whole lot of ass and sack.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(MUTTERS CURIOUSLY)

(CELL PHONE RINGING DISTANTLY)

(RINGING)

Yeah. CARMEN: Alex, honey.

I told you not to leave the front door unlocked.

(WHISPERING) Grandma, now's not really a good time. Now, sweetheart,

don't forget tomorrow. We have to be at the track by noon.

We're all betting on your horse.

(STAMMERING) All right. I love you. Bye.

Wait, wait, it's dark, it's dark.

Wait, like, like.

All right. All right, all right, all right. STU: Let's go.

Oh, God.

STU: So, what do you got here? What, like, 3,800, 4,000 square feet?

Thirty... 3,950. Why?

Nothin'. I'm into real estate.

Open the safe!

What are you doing? Whoa!

STU: What are you doing? Shoosh!

Don't you tell me to shoosh.

I will shoosh you. I will shoosh you.

He will shoosh you. I need my glasses.

Just get your glasses. Okay.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

It's all yours. Just take the... Hey!

FRANCIS: Don't, don't shoot me. Please, don't hurt me.

My daughter. She's here for the weekend. And...

You should be a little bit more careful with who you do business with.

With whom. What?

With whom.

What?

Dude, are you serious?

Prepositions. Dangling.

What, you wanna talk about punctuation now?

At least I'm not appraising his house.

Oh, God, Mr. Preposition.

You know, you really should be careful

with whom you do business with.

(STAMMERING) Okay. Okay.

Don't.

STU: Go get the yay-yo.

Go get it.

STU: Hmm.

(GUN COCKING)

Uh, Stu?

ERIC: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When were you gonna tell us about this guy, huh?

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce! Down. The gun, the gun down. Down.

Look what I found, boys.

STU: Bruce?

See, I told you this shit was scary.

Hey, hey. No need to gag 'em.

Who they gonna call?

ALEX: Hey, fellas?

ERIC: Nothing came up on the scanners?

No, nothin'.

Soiree, my ass. Bitches, let's waytch!

Well, hello, Officer.

Getting a good look at us with that big flashlight?

It is big, isn't it? Hmm.

This party blows. Let's go to Micky's.

Well, do something.

(GROANING)

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Use your teeth. Use your... Ay!

Oh, you're pulling my hair, my hair, my hair.

Oh, ow. No, that's my skin!

That's... Ow!

(EXCLAIMING IN EXCITEMENT)

You were scared, right? You were a little scared? Oh, I was shittin'.

That guy put the gun right to my...

See how brave I was?

You saw how brave I was.

I impressed you, right? Sho' 'nuff.

Oh, my God! What...

So how'd we do?

How'd we do? How much we get, man?

I say we got about 15K each, guys.

Do you know how much soap you can buy

with 15 G's, Eric? Huh?

Lots of soap!

My car wash is starting to feel like a mirage, man.

Dude, lay each brick with purpose and soon you have a castle.

That is from the Zen master.

You know what I'm talking about.

Hmm. I said mad money, money, check money...

You know? That guy looked me dead in the eye.

Because you have gorgeous eyes.

Yes. Yes!

Yes!

STU: You are never gonna be in that neighborhood again.

You will never see that guy again in your life.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, by the way. Alex. Uh-huh.

I have a little gift for you. Oh, is this for me?

It's for you. Oh, isn't that nice?

Hey, look, drop me off at the track, okay?

It's in 5:00 in the morning.

Well, I gotta see a man about a horse.

(HORSES NICKERING)

Hidden Asset. 35-to-1, huh?

Well, hello, gorgeous.

How are you doing today?

Huh?

Listen, I'm not one much for small talk,

so I'm gonna cut right to the chase.

Don't look at me like that.

You gotta be safe these days, Hidden Asset.

All kinds of diseases floating around.

You never know.

And I respect you. That's why I'm being safe.

Here we go.

(WHINNYING NERVOUSLY)

K-Y. Makes it much easier on you.

Nice lubey-dube-dub.

All right, sweetheart.

This is gonna be real quick, and real painless.

Now, take a deep breath and count to three.

Three! (WHINNYING)

(KICKING)

(WHINNIES)

(WHINNIES)

You sexy bitch.

Never get you alone.

Thank you very much.

I want you to check this out.

Badowshky. Oh, that's it.

That's the good stuff, right there.

There's four units. It'd be all good.

And how are you doing today?

I am quite fine. How are you doing today?

Oh, good. Yes, you are.

Actually, I'm thinking about my boy.

Eric? Yeah.

What about him? I'm glad I'm not him.

KRISTEN: You know what I think?

I think Eric is getting what he deserves.

Because you can't expect Tara

to just come running back to him.

Why? Because now all of a sudden he wants to commit?

But, baby. She's sleeping with another man.

She jumped from one man's bed to the other, like that.

(SPEED-DIALING)

(RINGING)

(CELL RINGING)

Come on, pick up.

Star 67? Come on, really? Are you kidding, Eric?

Tara!

What do you want? I'm a little busy.

You wanna get some coffee?

I don't know if that's a good idea.

What do you mean, not a good idea?

Well, we're taking a little break, remember?

It's just coffee. How 'bout tea?

What's going on with you?

What's going on is that you don't take your life seriously

and you refuse to grow up.

What, I don't have a regular job like your little lawyer buddy?

How about a regular job like everyone else on the planet?

Look, when you're ready to start acting like a real adult

and ready to be serious about your life,

then maybe, you know, we could...

Then maybe what?

Then maybe you'll let the love back in the room?

And maybe you'll feel all warm and fuzzy again?

Do you know what? I don't need this. I really don't.

(BEEPS OFF)

(PHONE BEEPING)

What?

Hey. I'm up three hundy, man.

Why don't you come down to the track?

I miss ya, man. A little sunshine,

some action on the ponies.

It'll get your mind off Tara for a little while.

She's not on my mind.

Yeah, right.

CARMEN: Give me a brandy and a light.

Look, I don't wanna hear it, all right?

Is that Eric? Yeah.

Is he still bitchin' about that skinny-ass girlfriend of his?

Eric? Listen, honey, get over here.

You know that I am all the woman you'll ever need.

ERIC: I think I hate her.

ALEX: I think I might have cracked a rib.

Hey, Solly. How's it goin'?

Look Eric, women are evil.

It says so in the Bible.

And of course, I can't bitch,

'cause she's convinced herself I was the damn Antichrist

for the last two years.

Yeah, well. I gotta see a man about a toilet, all right?

ERIC: So, it's our first New Year's together, right?

(FARTS) Uh-huh.

And we're at dinner.

She decides to order the $20 swordfish,

the most expensive thing on the menu

'cause, you know, she doesn't eat meat or chicken.

(FARTING) Right.

And then all she eats is a quarter of the meal.

Literally, three bites.

(FARTING) And then at the end of the meal,

that's when she decides to open up to me, you know?

I think you're amazing.

I'm starting to have real feelings for you.

And the whole time I'm thinking,

"That swordfish is definitely coming home," you know?

(BUGLE PLAYING FIRST CALL)

Oh!

(BELL DINGING)

RACE COMMENTATOR: And they're off.

Give me your phone. No.

Give me your phone. Wash your hands.

Shit.

Alex, will you put your damn pants on?

It's a winning ticket here.

(SPEED-DIALING MANUALLY)

Come on. Come on!

(VIBRATING)

Watch. Watch.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Come on, Eight!

Yeah!

Yeah!

(SHOUTING)

Yeah! Reach out and touch this, bitch!

Yeah!

Hello, baby. Hey, baby.

Momma just hit the big professor and she is hot.

Come here.

Daddy got a hose for Mommy's fire.

Maybe tri-fuck-ta.

Ooh!

Ah!

You are bad.

Ooh!

Hey. Show's over.

All right.

You know, Tara got me this for Christmas.

That's all she got me.

And she got five or six presents. No shit.

You know for Valentine's Day she got me a journal?

She gave you a diary?

Yeah. What am I gonna do with a frickin' diary?

Write stuff in it.

Thanks.

One beer. One Diet Coke.

Can I ask you a question?

When a girl breaks up with a guy,

(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING)

is it true she can remember

the exact moment she lost that feeling?

Yeah. Totally.

How?

How is there an exact moment? There just is.

Women feel everything, from the first kiss to the last teardrop.

(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING)

For me, when I cried the last time,

I knew something changed.

In an instant.

Wow.

(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING) You're so deep.

He now lives with his mother.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What are you laughing at?

He lives with his grandmother.

Oh.

Yeah, but I have my own room.

It's... It's like an apartment, you know?

(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Breasts are magical, man. That's true.

I want you to go in here, I want you to see bush.

Ladies.

Eight feet with the ball. Forget height.

ERIC: All right, all right, all right.

Hey, hold it, fellas. Hold on a minute.

What's the matter with you?

I said, hold on a minute.

Dude. Your jock strap's on a little tight, okay?

What'd you say to me?

I said, dude, your jock strap's a...

Holy shit!

Dude, you just got clocked!

ERIC: Oh, is that all you got?

(CHUCKLING) I got something special for you. Oh, oh, oh, ma'am.

My friend's a little stressed out right now.

I don't care. I don't give a shit. All right.

ERIC: I'm gonna knock you straight. Come on. Oh, are you, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got something

for your little friend here, too.

Well, what did I do? I'm very innocent.

Yeah, bring it on, bring it on. Come on. Are you?

Get the hell out of her. Shut up!

Go on, get out of here, you little pissant.

Hey, what's the matter with you, huh?

All right, so it looks like they're not coming,

so this is for you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Check this out. I'm thinking about getting married.

No!

I gotta do it. You don't have to do it.

I love her. The fuck does that even mean? It's a contract.

The only reason why people married

is because people have always gotten married.

It's a fuckin' stupid idea.

I thought when you get married, it's for the...

If it didn't exist and somebody brought it right now,

someone came up with the idea,

everyone would go, "Are you fuckin' crazy?"

How you even... What?

You have to go file in court, sign some papers,

and then when you break up you gotta hire a frickin' lawyer.

I mean, there's a six-month cool-down period.

Dawg, all I was trying to tell you is that

I was thinking about getting married.

And I'm telling you it's a biological trick.

First of all, she'd never do that to me 'cause we're best friends.

If she was really your best friend,

she would let you fuck other chicks.

(WOMAN CHATTERING OVER PA)

That is so huge.

Did you tell him yet? Oh, no.

I didn't have a chance.

And, you know, I was waiting and waiting

for a good time to do it,

and he just rushed out and I couldn't do it.

But I'm gonna do it.

The reason why you get so caught up in a woman

is 'cause there's crazy chemicals

that your brain puts out

because you wanna mate.

You wanna breed. It's natural.

You've thought about this a lot, I see.

Why do you think it feels better when you come inside?

'Cause that's how you make fuckin' babies, dude.

If it felt just as good to jerk off on a chick's back,

everybody would be jerking off on chicks' backs.

That's... That's beautiful.

Listen, man. Your girl's Latin.

You come in her hair, she's getting pregnant.

Why do you think there's so many Puerto Ricans?

Wow, I don't know. Puerto Rico's that big.

There's millions of Puerto Ricans.

What's up?

Wow!

It's not like he's afraid of marriage.

I don't think so. Right?

Well, honey, when is a man ever ready?

Oh, this is gonna take our relationship to a whole, whole...

(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God,

to a whole new level.

(WHISPERING) What is he doing?

Well, I just hope he's getting good advice from his friends.

Oh, I hope so, too. Uh-huh.

Shit.

When was the last time you had diarrhea? What?

When was the last time you had diarrhea?

Dawg, I'm talking about marriage.

I'm talking about a beautiful thing.

I'm talking about walking down the aisle...

So am I. So am... That's just the first day.

You don't understand, man.

So, like you're sitting on the toilet, right? Uh-huh.

And you're grunting and you're sweating and

all sorts of just unspeakable shit is pouring out of your body.

You're just grunting and... (GRUNTING)

Your stomach's churning and weird shit's going on inside you.

And then finally, the churning stops.

And there's this calmness.

And for a moment you get, like, this little tickle.

And it feels good for, like, a couple of seconds.

That's marriage!

Dawg...

Ask any married guy. Right.

Okay. Okay. How's the wife and kids, man?

She's all right, man. She's cool.

But I got lucky.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Ritchie!

Francis, what's up, man? I got robbed.

What?

Three guys came in my house.

Two white guys

and a black guy.

And the black guy was gay.

God bless you.

Oh, this is my friend, Stu. Hey.

Francis. Hey.

What's up?

So, I can't believe somebody robbed you. That's crazy.

He got robbed, dude. By a gay black dude. They took my money.

They knew where my safe was.

I don't even know any gay black dudes. STU: No, you don't.

They knew everything.

RITCHIE: They must not have known you, man.

Nobody who knows you would ever mess with you.

I know you.

I don't know you.

You have beautiful eyes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been drinking.

I gotta see you later.

Come by the house.

Oh, shit!

Holy shit! (LAUGHING)

All right, this is it. Don't touch the fence, man.

Unless you want a permanent afro.

I'm bald. It'll grow.

This is it. Check it out.

That's the warehouse.

Now, I don't know exactly who they are but, uh,

I'm guessing low-rent gottis.

All right, so we'll come back tonight and case the spot.

No. No, no can do.

My wife would stretch my ass all out.

You are such a hypocrite. Yeah.

You are such a hypocrite.

Yeah, I got kids, bitch. I'm not saying I'm happy.

Hey! Micky the Calc. (CHUCKLING)

Hey, Big Frank.

How are the numbers?

The numbers could've never been better, man.

Another two weeks, you're gonna need a bigger safe.

(LAUGHING) Great.

Hey.

Now, boss, uh, about the thing with the thing

with the new batch.

All right, already. What about the new batch?

Well, there's nothing wrong with it,

it's just I'm thinking maybe we should hold off with the big boys, is all.

Bruno, am I hearing this right?

Carlo here is telling me that I gotta scale things down.

Is that what you think, you little weasel?

We ought to scale things down?

No disrespect.

It's just that the thing with the new batch,

hitting the bigger casinos takes us to another level, right?

And you gotta think about your arteries and all.

Carlo, I am employ you to think, not to worry.

We are going to do things my way.

No more tiptoeing around!

You're the boss. That's right.

You're the boss. I'm the boss!

I'm the boss! You're the boss!

(COUGHING)

Frank?

Hey, Bruno, you wanna go eat?

Yeah, I can eat. All right.

Oh, but I gotta go meet my girl, Frank.

What? I gotta meet my girl.

What's the matter with you? What?

All of a sudden it's, "I gotta go meet my girl" this,

"I gotta go meet my girl" that.

What, she plays a little flute,

and here comes Bruno up out of the basket.

FRANK: Out of the basket. (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HUMORLESSLY)

All right. Let's eat.

(FLOOR CREAKING)

TARA: Yeah, I know.

(TARA GIGGLING)

Yeah, I know you don't practice that kind of law.

I'm just sayin'.

I mean, it just seems to me that

if a stage animal is gonna go berserk,

you know, every lawyer in town's gonna be chasing that ambulance.

(PURRING)

Well, I mean, there's gotta be somebody to sue.

Not because the animal's not liable,

but there's gotta be somebody or some insurance policy.

Well, my shows are getting ready to come on, so, I'd better go.

Okay. Bye.

(RHYTHMIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOMAN MOANING ON TV)

WOMAN ON TV: (MOANING) Oh, that's good.

(MEWLING)

Hi there, kitty.

What you doin'?

Oh, are you hungry?

Hmm?

Hungry? Come on, let's go get you something to eat.

(PORNO MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY)

(WOMAN MOANING ON TV)

(VIBRATING SOUND)

(TARA MOANING)

(VIBRATING)

You are the most anal bastard I have ever met.

Are you really cleaning this engine with a toothbrush?

And Tara's gonna call you

now that you can see yourself in your engine?

Let me ask you something.

What?

When a guy meets a girl,

what's the first thing the guy's friends ask?

"Does she have big tits?"

Exactly.

You know the first question the girl's friends ask?

Do you think I have any concept of what women talk about?

"What does he do?" That's what they ask.

You saw Tara.

Not exactly.

Uh-huh.

I just hate how what you do

is supposed to define who you are, you know?

It's all bullshit.

I once told a girl I was a professional masseuse.

Masseur.

What'd you call me?

Nothin'. Whatever.

So, did she have you working all night?

Oh, yeah.

Did you get any?

Did you get any in the morning?

Oh, yeah, of course, man.

Yeah, she woke up and I just was like,

"Oh, you fell asleep last night.

"I didn't do this." And I just started hitting it.

You're a liar!

You don't even know the story!

You don't even know the story!

Dawg, the last thing you hit was your left hand, man.

(ERIC LAUGHING)

So, what's the big news?

Let me see your lucky casino chip, man.

Badowshky.

This I like. That's a new trick, Stu.

I got a few more of these in the car if you want.

I'm talking about one last hit. All right?

You get your horse.

You get your car wash. You get some therapy.

How so?

Ritchie found a gold mine.

STU: They are making casino chips in a warehouse by the busload.

So there's security.

STU: They got two guards.

All right? I got in and out last night, no problem.

What if they're counterfeit?

Listen to this... They look identical to me.

And the casino thought so, too. Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

The smell of money like this makes my dick hard.

Save it for your horse.

Hey!

So what's up, Eric?

(EXHALES DEEPLY) I don't know, man.

It's a little off-road for us, you know?

You know what?

I'll hold on to that until you can think straight.

Watch this. I want you to watch this carefully.

Yo, Alex.

Alex. So, what's up? I'm in.

All right, all right.

All-white-meat chicken, no mayo, right?

Yeah, there's your Atkins burrito, tough guy.

So, uh, I got the skinny on Tara's new guy.

Is there a wallet? Yeah.

This guy I know says he knows his ex.

Dude, why are you so obsessed with his flow?

Dude, 'cause he's a lawyer. He's got flow. So, what's his deal?

Well, he's got a chronic breath problem.

This kind of weird lactose thing. And he's got a cat.

What kind of guy has a cat?

The only thing, though.

Apparently, they say he's got a really...

A really big dick.

That's TMI.

Dude, that's not cool.

It's not cool that he's got a giant cock?

No. That's not cool.

Can't you let a man have a giant cock?

Is it, like, burrito big?

Like, if this was his dick,

he must have just gotten out of the pool.

(CHUCKLES) Right?

Dude, it's totally the money. Don't let him fuck with you.

No, it's... It's definitely the money.

(MOUTHING)

ALEX: All right, Eric, jeez!

ALEX: Let me get a nutty cup.

STU: Get out of here. ALEX: Give me a nutty cup.

STU: No way. How many you gonna eat?

Shut up!

You ever think that maybe this guy ain't got shit?

What are you talking about?

Like, what if he maxed out all his credit cards out

just so he could get in her pants?

'Cause at the end of the day, what does she got?

Nice stuff.

I mean, granted, it's really, really nice stuff.

Real nice stuff.

She's got, like, she's got some nice stuff, you know?

Nice. Oh, but, he bought her.

She's a stone in your shoe.

You need to make her a stone in your path.

ALEX: Hmm, the Zen master say...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

You can... You can totally knock it if you want to,

you know, but you get what you resist.

Quit trying to make everything perfect again.

And see what happens, dude. You get what you resist. It's true.

It's true. All right, all right.

I'll be sure to get the bumper sticker.

Wow, dude.

MAN ON RADIO: When your lover shuts you out,

give them their space.

Like a deer in an open prairie,

they need their time away from the herd.

The most important thing to remember

is give them their time and space.

(TURNS RADIO OFF)

TARA: (GIGGLES) Okay.

So where are we going to eat?

BRUNO: Uh, I found this new place.

But it's a surprise. So I'll be there in a few. (PHONE BEEPING)

Sounds good to me. (SPEED-DIALING)

(RINGING)

Oh, hold on a second, it's...

(SIGHS) (PHONE BEEPS)

Hello? ERIC: Hey, baby.

(FEEDBACK WHINING)

What the hell was that? Uh, nothing.

Uh, listen.

I'm in neighborhood. I was just thinking I could drop by.

No, no, no! Listen, um, that's my mother on the other line.

Let me call you right back. No, no, no. It's okay.

I'm just around the corner. I'll be there in a few.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Hi, baby. Listen, um,

that was my mom. Sorry about that.

And my apartment is an absolute wreck.

Um, is there any way maybe we could just meet at your place?

BRUNO: This is about what's-his-name, isn't it?

Now, I know you're highly creative, honey,

but don't go dreaming up scenarios in your head.

BRUNO: Oh, let me get this straight.

You want me to turn around, go back to my house and wait for you?

Yep. That's exactly what I want you to do.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, shit.

But I'm... I'm three minutes from your place.

Hey, baby. Hi!

Can I come in?

Actually, you know what? No. I was just gonna run out.

Uh-huh. You want some company?

No, no. I'm just gonna go run some errands.

Hmm. Yeah.

Place looks nice. Pretty tidy.

Yeah. Finally picked up some of your good habits.

Where are my keys?

You sure you don't want company?

Found 'em. Yeah. You know what?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Um, I'm just, you know, gonna go run some errands,

just girl stuff, so.

But maybe we could meet up later.

Huh. Okay.

What, you're seeing what's-his-name today?

No, baby. Some of us actually work during the day.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) But I got you a little something.

Oh! How sweet. Thank you.

Okay.

She wants to come back to me.

I could see it in her eyes.

What you saw in her eyes was fear.

And that is usually followed by a restraining order.

Okay, listen to me. I got this little trick.

Whenever me and Kristen go at it,

I'll stop in mid-fight and I'll grab a hold of her,

and I'll hold her quietly until she's calm,

and I'll be like, "Shh, shh, baby. Shh."

And almost always, that'll stop the fight.

I got it from this old Barry White song.

Hold your baby close until the lovemaking starts.

(PHONE RINGING)

Shut up. Shut up!

Please. Please?

Hey, baby.

Hey. Do you have a second?

You know what? No. I got... I got, like, you know,

I don't even... I don't have a minute right now, 'cause of,

you know, we... We doing what we do.

Okay, just... Just one second, Stu, please. It's really important.

Okay, well, whatever it is, it's gonna have to wait.

'Cause it's the bottom of the ninth and, you know, we...

Uh-oh! Home... (STAMMERING) Ah, home run!

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Yeah. I guess.

Oh, look who's here. Stuart. Please, join us for our robbery.

Shut up, Mr. Freakin' Disco Van. All right?

Honestly, this disco ball is hot. The disco ball is hot?

ALEX: You didn't even know I'd come through with a car with a disco ball.

What kind of shit is this, man? You got a disco ball.

You got Yahweh hanging on the wall.

Does it get funner than this, boys? Huh?

More fun.

Sorry.

ERIC: It's not a word.

All right. Let's do this.

ERIC: All right, Alex. No screw-ups, all right?

Hey.

Every two minutes, one's across the screen,

everything's cool, all right?

Two's, we hit the deck.

Three's, we bail. I got it. I know this shit.

That's all right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stu.

Be very careful. That is an electric fence,

if you do not notice. Hold this.

You guys are very lucky you have a professional like me

taking care of this situation.

I learned all about this shit in junior college.

It's all about the currents.

Ooh, see? Scary.

You wanna make sure you got the positive with the positive,

and the negative with the negative

or you don't know what the hell's gonna happen.

Yeah, my man Pedro told me the whole story about some guy

doing some shit like that. He died!

And that's why I did my homework before I came here,

to make sure that everything went smoothly.

(SCREAMING) Oh, God! Oh, God!

Nah, I'm messing with you guys. It's cool.

Well, that shit ain't funny. All right, all right.

ALEX: Good luck, boys.

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

What are you wearing?

Oh, that's some... Hey, Bruno!

Jeez, Carmine.

Ah, you scared the shit out of me, man.

Come on, I could have blown your brains out.

Now, get back to your post.

Shit.

Baby? I...

I know. I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I will never... I...

I would never put you on hold.

(OWL HOOTING)

(METAL CLANGING)

Yeah.

(COYOTE HOWLING)

(OWL HOOTING)

You want a piece of me? Huh? Come and get it.

(OWL HOOTING)

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

(SOFTLY) This is it.

This is it? Of course it is.

(IMITATING HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING)

Oh, my God.

You need a little carwash money?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) What time is it? Oh, shit.

(CELL BEEPING)

Hold on, hold on.

Shit. Who is it?

It's Tara. Don't answer it.

Don't answer it. Don't... Don't you dare.

And don't you even. Don't. Excuse me.

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you mean, "Yeah"?

I can't talk. I'll call you later.

I'm sorry, it's... What?

What do you mean, you can't talk? I'm trying...

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

That's probably the best thing you've ever done for your relationship, man.

You have officially become my hero. (CHUCKLES)

(BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

We're good.

Your bag, sir. Thank you, sir.

(BEEPING)

She can leave a message. She can leave a message.

All right. Done.

Ah. Feels good, don't it?

Oh, 'cause you're in front of your friends, you're not gonna answer.

Huh, Mr. Big Guy? Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Play games? Play. That's fine.

You know what that is sagging between your legs?

Your nuts. You just became a man. (CHUCKLES)

They've dropped.

(BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Holy shit!

You know what? Now might be a good time to go!

You think?

ERIC: God, did you see that safe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Hey, Bruno, I got 'em.

All right, I'm coming around.

ERIC: Shit!

STU: Split up!

STU: Oh, man. Kristen's gonna freak.

Tara's gonna flip.

Jeez!

Carmine, not too fast. Not too fast. I got a date tonight, all right?

This is gonna be great!

BRUNO: Carmine? Easy!

Just brace yourself!

Jeez!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Hey!

(PUNCHES) (GRUNTS)

Oh, shit!

(RINGING) Come on. Come on. Pick up.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Hey, girls. You were beautiful last night.

Let's see how well you play today, huh? (CHUCKLES)

So, we don't know where Bruno is.

Oh, no, we checked. But, uh, nothing yet.

But he's not with that new girlfriend?

Uh, don't know.

FRANK: And do we know who these, uh, these punks are and who they're working for?

Well, not yet. But we got a cell phone.

A cell phone? What does that matter?

Hi. Hello, baby.

What about my safe?

The safe? It's good. I checked.

Did you take care of the thing with that guy?

What, the thing, with the thing?

I took care of that.

Well, of course he's, you know, doing a little thing with the thing.

Good. (CHUCKLES) Good. Good.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

So, this guy, he's shooting lookout for his buddies and they get away.

But, all they got was 100 grand's worth.

Hey, don't say it like that.

Used to be 100 grand was 100 grand.

Yeah, well.

There is one other thing, boss.

Yeah, take it. Spit it out.

It has to do, uh, concerning with Bruno.

What about Bruno?

Well, last week's numbers?

They were off a few grand.

You know, you got Bruno and you got the new girlfriend, and Bruno,

and you got the new girlfriend,

and Bruno with the new, you know,

with the girlfriend, he's thinking of buying... (CHOKING) Okay. Okay.

All right!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Where is this lookout? Bring him out.

Fellas. Let's go.

Kid.

You better start talking, and talking fast.

Right. Fast, right now.

Not getting nothin' out of me.

I have an idea.

Uh, why don't I start by getting your spleen out of you?

Now you tell me who you're with.

Ooh. Ooh!

Pretty Boy! (SIGHS)

(MOCKING SOFTLY) Pretty Boy!

Good for you! Shit!

Oh, God!

All right!

I was with my friends, Stu and Eric.

Who the hell are Stu and Eric?

Known 'em since Mrs. Pomerantz's eighth-grade biology class.

You're kiddin' me, right?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Hey? That's what you get.

You know what?

You're right.

Miss Pinsky taught biology.

Pomerantz taught social studies.

My bad. I got confused.

(STAMMERS SPEECHLESSLY)

(PHONE RINGING)

Alex, what the hell? What the hell?

FRANK: Who is this?

Who's this?

This is the proprietor of the establishment that you ripped off last night!

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Oh!

ALEX: (MOCKING) Hold me, honey. (MOANS)

It is all fun and games, isn't it?

Until someone gets fitted for a new glass eye!

They got Alex.

Uh, well, uh, before I kill your buddy here,

I would just like to know a few things.

(YELLS)

Ow!

You know what? Okay.

Hey. Hey. Hey. How're you doin'?

(GRUNTS) Ah!

BRUNO: Ah!

That's right!

BRUNO: You guys are screwed.

You are so screwed. Do you have any idea who I am?

Oh, my God. They got Bruno!

Hit him.

STU: Hit him.

Hit him again! (GRUNTS) Ow!

Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh!

That's my shoe!

That's twice! That's twice you hit him! Hit him again! Hit him!

Ooh! Oh! STU: Wait a minute.

Hold on. No. No, you hold on!

Hold on.

Bruno.

Bruno, that skimming bastard.

I ought to let him rot. But his mother would kill me.

You gotta breathe, Frank, please.

We all want you to stick around a little while.

Breathe. I am gonna smack you.

I'm on hold.

Well, you could always put 'em to work.

What do you mean?

Well, they stole the chips from the Palms batch. Right?

Right. So, they cash 'em in. Call it a trial run.

Hello?

I'm still holding.

The Palms, yes. They have serious security there.

Okay!

I want some answers.

For starters, I wanna know who you are and how you found out about my warehouse.

Who we are is inconsequential.

Inconsequential. You listen to me, you college prick!

All right. (GRUNTS) Jesus!

What does that prove?

I can't believe this. I've got a college degree!

Who doesn't?

(GRUNTS)

(WHEEZING)

(COUGHS)

You want me to shoot him? Right here? Right now?

Hold on.

Nobody needs to get shot, all right?

Nobody needs to get shot.

Just calm down!

Nobody comes to rip Frank Santino off

who doesn't go away with something broken.

Frank, Frank, stress.

It's the silent killer. I gotta break somebody's head.

I am gonna break somebody's head!

Please. Take it easy. Please, Franco.

Frank Santino.

That's right, you little bitches!

Frank Santino. You little bitches!

Breathe.

Mr. Santino.

All right. Now you listen to me.

Here's what you're gonna do.

I want you to cash in the 100 grand

that you stole from me!

I'm sorry, what?

I want you to meet me at the, uh, Roadside Diner

the day after tomorrow at noon.

And bring the cash. You got it?

(STAMMERING)

(GRUNTS)

ALEX: Oh, God!

(MOANS)

Don't screw it up.

(CELL RINGING)

I need a moment.

I need a moment. I need a moment. I need a moment.

You think maybe I could use the phone?

Call my girl?

Thanks to you assholes, I missed a date with her.

Now I gotta lie to her about why I didn't show last night.

Then I gotta put up with her grillin' me.

Just tell her you were in a car accident. You got the bruises.

Yeah, I was thinking car accident, too.

STU: Right.

Go for the sympathy. STU: Right.

Maybe then she'll stop riding me about another big night out.

She's one of those.

Of course she's one of those. What do you think?

Why, you got a ball-buster, too?

STU: Uh-huh. That's, uh...

STU: Uh-huh.

...putting it mildly.

STU: Of course I love you! Man.

What guy hasn't had his life ruined by some girl?

Answer me that.

Baby, this is some bull... I...

I can't understand you when you speak that Spanish shit to me!

You guys like the ponies, huh?

Does the word "shallow grave" mean something to you?

Yeah. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah? Yeah? I understand all that.

You understand that? Yeah.

Hey, you got a racing card over there?

Yeah, why?

Yeah, why?

You got a horse there named Hidden Assets racing?

Hidden Assets? Yeah.

What about him?

Yeah. He's racing out of Gate 6 in the 11th.

You got a bookie?

You think I might have a bookie?

(STAMMERS) I just... I had a thing.

You got a thing? I got a thing.

He's got a thing!

Hello?

I gotta leave.

Kristen.

BRUNO: Pussy.

All right.

If you gotta go.

I gotta go.

All right. Hey, don't forget. We gotta move him.

I know. I know. I know.

All right.

What's up with the Pringles?

These? Alex bought 'em.

For what?

Storage.

Right, right.

(BEEPING) One second, man.

(SCOFFS) Guess who? Don't do it.

Don't do it. Just don't do it.

Yeah.

"Yeah"? Is that how you answer your phone?

What do you want?

What do I want?

I... Is that how you talk to me now?

Can I help you with something?

What's the matter? You busy?

I need to see you.

I locked myself out of my apartment.

Um...

So, can you come now?

Okay.

Good.

(CLEARING THROAT) Tell me you're not meeting her.

It sounded urgent, man.

(SCOFFS)

When isn't it urgent?

I'm just gonna go see her for a few minutes, all right?

No big deal.

You watch him while I'm gone.

I'll watch him when you go see Kristen.

(STAMMERING)

Fuck that. Call her back and tell her you'll meet her on your terms, man.

You got the power.

I still got the power. You got the power?

I got an idea for cashing out.

(SPEED-DIALING)

SHECKY: Whoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES) Who's your granddaddy? (MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING) Whoo-hoo!

CARMEN: Yeah! Oh, hold on, hon.

SHECKY: Don't stop... Don't answer.

No!

SHECKY: No. (PANTS)

Oh, this better be good.

I'll be with you in a minute, honey.

Yeah. Hello. Carmen, it's Eric.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Bad timing.

I need your help. Yeah.

Okay, girls, remember.

We play a couple of hands and then we cash out.

(INAUDIBLE)

Stay out of the men's room.

No racing.

What's the matter? Lawyer wasn't available?

No, as a matter of fact, he was not.

But I got in anyway.

Come in.

Take your shirt off.

What is up with you? Wait. Wait!

Don't you think we should talk? Uh, no.

Uh.

(BELL RINGING) RACE COMMENTATOR: And away they go!

Do it. Now?

Yeah, do it.

(BEEPING)

(MOANING)

Move it!

Make your move! Show me them assets. Show me them assets, baby!

Come on! Move it! Yeah!

(MOANING)

Move it!

Go!

Move it, you bastard!

Ah!

RACE COMMENTATOR: ...Holland finishing third,

and they're followed by Stowmeyer, Sweet Baby,

Tinseltown and Lovely Dowdy, and way in the back,

bringing up the rear, is Hidden Asset.

(GASPS IN DISBELIEF)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

You guys want some action on the next race?

Thanks, it's been... It's been a stressful day.

Tell me about it.

Tara? We need to talk.

Yeah, maybe later.

You know what? I gotta get goin'.

Wait!

What are you doing? (SHUSHING)

Yeah. Okay. I really do gotta get going.

Okay. Thanks. That was fun. Fun!

Fun.

(SCOFFS) Barry White.

Honey?

Hey, honey!

Yeah?

Hey, come here. Do me a favor?

Drop that off at the cleaners for me.

Thanks.

Sure.

The mosquito has 47 teeth. Truth or fib?

Fib. No, that's actually true.

A mosquito doesn't have any teeth.

But when it bites you, it has to pierce the skin. It's not like a...

That was quick. Yeah.

Your turn.

Babe, what's up?

What's up? What's up?

I don't have a lot of time. What's up?

You don't have a lot of time, Stuart?

Make some time!

(SOFTLY) Ow!

Hey, these are baby names!

(SOFTLY) Ow! Hey, um,

I'm sorry about that, you know.

Nah, don't worry about it. All right?

I know you guys are in a bit of a bind here.

It's clear you've never done anything like this before.

Yeah. And you know what?

You didn't enjoy hitting me when you could have.

And you know what else?

I got a lot of respect for the two of you

for sticking together and waiting to make this exchange to get your boy out.

That's a big deal.

You know, I ain't got anybody like that in my life.

Real friends.

You know what? Let me give you a piece of advice.

When you guys go in there to make this deal with my uncle,

don't wear the pink dress.

Hey! If he senses the tiniest little bit of fear out of you,

you guys ain't gonna see your buddy again.

I'm not shitting you. Oh, man.

You gotta think about

the most pissed-off your girl ever made you.

No. Think about walking in on her

(PUNCHING HIS HAND)

banging this new guy.

You think about that, and you go in there

and you put on the biggest tough-guy act you can.

Okay. Let me see your tough-guy face.

What?

Your tough-guy face.

All right. Uh...

(EXHALES)

No, like this.

Oh, okay.

Okay, now give me a grunt with it.

Okay.

(GRUNTING)

(INHALING NOISILY)

What, are you trying to scare a bunch of Girl Scouts?

Come on!

Watch and learn.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, that's good.

Now do it. Okay, okay. Um...

(GRUNTING)

That's good. It's a little pussy, but I like it.

(LAUGHS) All right.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) How are you feeling?

I'm so good right now. I'm so good.

Are you sure? Yes.

Tell me it's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

You don't have to... It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

I love you. I love you, too.

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) SHECKY: Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING) Oh! Whoa! Whoo!

Oh! Ah!

(LAUGHING)

Give me a hard eight! (LAUGHS)

A little Viagra, too.

And some K-Y. (LAUGHS)

Come on, baby. Mama needs new shoes.

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

(PHONE RINGING) Oh.

Hello?

Carmen, what's going on? You were supposed to call me an hour ago.

Oh, Eric.

Darling, is that you?

Oh, uh, I can hardly hear you, honey.

How is our little operation coming along?

Oh! Fan-friggin'-tastic. (LAUGHS)

I just hit eight the hard way

and I'm doubling up behind the line.

No, no, no, no! You're gambling?

Oh, listen, Eric, I gotta go.

I'll have a friend bring you the cash in the morning.

Wait, what?

I'll hit ya later, okay, sweetheart? Bye.

No! Carmen?

Okay. Kiss 'em, baby.

(KISSING NOISES)

You wanna get out of here?

No, no, there's a huge difference between courtship and relationship.

Yeah.

When you're courting, she's the only thing you can think about. Right?

Uh-huh. I mean, you jump through any hoop,

you blow off your friends,

you pretend to like stuff that you would never like. Opera, poetry, flowers

and French and shit like that.

Yeah, I know.

But when you start getting it steady,

then all of a sudden something snaps

and you don't want it at all anymore.

She's trying to get all frisky on you,

and you'd rather be watching some college basketball game

between two schools you ain't even heard of before.

Yeah. That's true. So, what school do you guys go to?

School?

Yeah. Listen, we're not interested, you little trollops.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Ooh. The one behind them is checking you out, though.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Hmm?

What do you tell a girl when she asks you what you do?

I mix it up. As long as it sounds professional.

Yeah.

Hmm. She is checking you out.

(WHISPERING) Oh, she's... Here she comes. She's comin'.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

Hello. I'm Angie.

Hello, Angie. I'm Bruno. This is Eric.

Hi.

Uh, Angie, would you like to, uh, sit down?

No. I'm okay.

The diary. You write in it?

The racetrack.

You look different.

Thanks.

So, um, how'd you guys do that day?

Well, my buddy hit a long shot named Hidden Asset.

You bet on that horse?

Yeah, why?

That was our first win.

Are you a gambler?

She's one of my father's horses.

Oh. Daddy has horses.

So, what do you do?

Oh, uh, uh, my man here is a professional, uh...

Masseur.

I'm a professional masseur.

Masseur.

Let me see those hands.

Really?

Really?

Really.

So, uh, did you ever write in that diary?

Not yet.

You will. You just need to be inspired.

BRUNO: Speaking of inspiration,

I'll just leave you guys here.

Okay.

So, Eric.

Well, consider this a hall pass!

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Just give me two minutes to explain.

What the hell is that?

God!

That's part of it.

(GROANS)

Jesus. Shut the door.

(GROANING IN PAIN)

How do you feel right now?

I feel good.

I mean, do you feel any guilt about what just happened?

No.

I feel good.

Remember this feeling.

You're that much closer to being over her.

It's funny.

Guys only begin to feel when it's over.

We were in a fight

and I called him an asshole.

He had this look on his face

like I'd just complimented him.

He thought he was a cool asshole, you know?

Something just changed right there.

That feeling just left me.

I guess you have to be careful who you fall in love with.

"With whom" you fall in love.

TARA: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(TARA MOANING)

TARA: Oh, baby. (MAN GROANING)

Oh. Uh-huh.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING)

(BRUNO SNORING)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Yes?

You Eric Pernalis?

Maybe.

Um...

I'm sorry to disturb you.

It's not what you think. Anyway,

it's just a guy I know. I mean, a friend.

It's okay.

Does this belong to you?

Looks familiar.

Carmen sent this for you.

Will one of you guys say somethin' or turn the radio on

or somethin'? Jeez.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You're gonna have to go in there without me, man.

No, man, we shoot for it.

Not this time.

Wanna tell me what's going on?

She's pregnant.

(SIGHS)

What are you gonna do?

Find a name.

Hey. You got anyone in mind for a godfather?

(CHUCKLES)

STU: Nice, dawg. (ALL CHUCKLING)

Remember.

As if she was banging him right in front of you.

STU: Good luck.

Thanks.

Where's he going?

He's going to the bathroom.

(WHISPERING) It can't be. It can't be.

Maybe he's going to crap his pants. (LAUGHS)

Oh, man!

Shit.

(GRUNTING)

I can do this.

Ah! Oh! The tough guy.

Dude... (GRUNTS)

I'm gonna make you squirm, you little shit.

Hey. Hey, about the other day, okay, it was just that...

What are you doing? Because of you, I got fired.

Consider this severance.

Just take what you want and go, okay?

Tough guy like you, you got me a little curious.

What'd you do, piss yourself?

(SIGHS)

It is you, isn't it?

Don't you say a word. Don't say a word!

Do you know who I am? Come here.

I've been searching far and wide for you.

I'm the guy you ripped off.

I'm the guy you tied up

and left with a bag of coke on his crotch.

Now you remember me?

I'm not really good with faces or names.

That's all right, brother!

That's all right. Listen to me.

Listen to me! I just wanted to walk here and tell you something.

I wanted to come right up to you

and I wanted to thank you. Thank you,

to you and your buddies,

for changing my life.

Praise the Lord.

Now, sit down. You gotta understand.

I was a no-good sinnin' son of a gun!

Can you imagine, all that cocaine, all that cash,

all them guns in a house with my little girl?

Dear Lord. Let us pray.

Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Say it.

Say it. Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

BOTH: Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord! Oh, happy day. ERIC: Oh, happy day.

Stand up.

All right. Listen to me.

If there's anything, anything, you ever need,

you just look me up.

I'm your Brother Francis.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Well, you know, Francis, there is this one thing.

Oh, don't even tell me. They got Tony Bennett. Boss, look at this.

You got a quarter? (SHUSHING)

Sit down, kid.

Okay.

Check him.

What, you piss yourself?

That's disgusting. Right.

Well. I'm gonna give you points for bravery.

So. Did you cash out those chips?

Yes.

Good.

(GROANING)

Ow! What's your problem? I'm not gonna hurt you.

(SHUSHING)

Forgive me, Lord. Ooh.

(INDISTINCT COMMOTION) Hey!

The business is here.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

What's wrong with you here? What, you got a hemorrhoid or somethin'?

Hey. Snap out of it.

Hey. I asked you a question.

Who the hell are you working with?

Hey. Are we here to make a trade or exchange business cards?

Would you listen to this guy?

You know who the hell you're talking to, pal?

I got an idea.

Listen to me.

Your associate, your buddy, he is as good as dead

if I don't get some answers.

And I don't give a shit about the money or that fat nephew of mine.

Found itself into a very strange place.

But it's always a pleasure to do the work of the Lord.

Who the hell are you?

Brother, I am a fisher of men.

Really. Well, why don't you go fish, then?

Somewhere else!

(NECK CRACKING)

Come on, you heard him.

Hey. You know what? That's it.

Do you wanna make this trade or not?

Not before I get some answers!

No? Okay.

Hey, hey, hey!

It's a phone. I'll get it.

It's a phone.

(DIALING)

You a big shot? Mmm?

Big tough guy?

Who are you calling, huh?

What, your backup? You calling the troops?

(PHONE RINGING) Hello?

It's me. No deal.

Kill him.

Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind?

What? What'd he say?

I'm supposed to kill you.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry we couldn't come to another arrangement.

(GRUNTS) You weren't dismissed.

Okay, De Niro, I get the point.

You wanna make a trade.

One hour. Nice, safe place.

Right in front of the police station.

(CHUCKLES)

Kid, you got a real pair, I'll say that. Thanks.

They just dropped recently.

Well, that's beautiful, but we're doing it here.

And we're doing it right now.

All right, let's go.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

You got two minutes. Bring your car around back.

Talk about full circle. (CHUCKLES)

Let's try to make it look real, huh?

Yeah. You leave me in there long enough, I don't have to try nothin'.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

In case I don't see you again.

(GRUNTS)

It was fun. Sorry.

Oh. Don't forget. Tuesday.

All right.

What happens Tuesday?

You drive.

All right. Good luck, man.

All right.

I got your back. Okay.

What, you got him in the trunk?

You didn't think he was gonna ride shotgun now, did ya?

Where's my nephew?

Take a guess.

(CHUCKLES)

You wanna trade cars?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Okay, let me see him.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Bruno.

(GROANING) How the hell did you get him in there?

Come on, I'll show you. Open it up.

(SOFTLY) Baby. Hola. What are you doing?

Now is really not a good time, okay?

I was just starting to get a tad claustrophobic.

Shut up!

All right?

All right. Let's do this.

So, you know what? I'm here,

waiting for you for the picnic. You forgot?

Baby? (SIGHS)

Where's the money?

In the car. Well, go get it.

(GROANING)

Yeah, it's me, it's Alex, it's Eric...

What's up? What's up?

I got you. We good.

Yeah, it's me, Alex, Eric and, uh...

Show me the cash.

What's happening?

We at... No, we at the ball game.

Yeah, they doing their thing. They, you know...

All right.

Give it to me.

All right. Uh, let's get these guys some air, all right?

BEDEE: You little wuss!

What you always getting your friends to do your fighting for you?

Hey, what is this, Dykes Gone Wild or what?

Hey! Hey!

I don't know what business you got with this guy,

but we're in the middle of something here and it's invitation only.

Well, my business is kicking his ass.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So, look... Baby?

CARLO: What's the matter with you?

I'll call you back. All right? I don't wanna hang up on you.

FRANK: That's a big momma.

Take their handcuffs off him.

(GROANING)

I think I wanna go very Latin, very Spanish.

What about Fernando or Anivo or Manuel?

I like Fernando. Fernando's cool.

But could we go with a more traditional name, like LeBron?

No.

No? Then I get the middle name.

And I want "Mutombo."

Hector Mutombo, how 'bout that?

He ain't gonna be a basketball player. I told you that.

Baby, I gotta go. I gotta... I love you.

I gotta go. I gotta go. I...

You look good with a nice, uh, shiner on you.

You like that? Yeah, it's sexy.

Any of you guys hungry?

(LAUGHS) Bruno is back.

First we gotta take care of those guys.

What do you mean, Frank?

Remember, uh, cousin Sambini?

CARLO: Cousin Sambini. (CHUCKLES)

All 142 pieces of him.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, Carlo. Let me use your phone. I gotta call my girl.

Huh? Come on. I gotta call my girl.

Well, make it quick.

Don't stay on there all day.

Got those rollover minutes.

You see that one, the sister? The brazos on her?

Did you see that? (EXHALES)

(PHONE BEEPING)

You son of a bitch!

ERIC: Screw you. You started this whole thing.

You did, you scrawny little shit!

You butch freak!

What's your problem? I'm not gay!

You're not gay?

No, I'm not.

Well, you're still an asshole!

Get off me! (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

God damn it! BEDEE: You jerk!

Ah! (METAL CLANGING)

Oh, whoa, whoa. Hey!

Wait a second!

Somebody wanna translate this for me, please?

(SHOUTING) Uh, guys?

We got about a minute and 15!

Fourteen!

No. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Whoa! There's a bomb in the car!

Bomb is bad!

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING) Dude! Let me out of here, buddy!

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on, man.

I'm working on it! Shut up!

Uh, Eric, I gotta admit something, man.

What?

I masturbated to Tara.

A lot.

That's gross! I'm sorry, dude!

That's gross! I'm sorry!

Alex, I could kiss you right now.

BEDEE: You guys are freaks! Get me out of here!

Miss? Miss?

What is it?

Reach into my pants... Well, screw you!

...and pull out my pocketknife!

My pocketknife. Get it! Get it! Get it! Oh.

ALEX: Stu, come on! Come on, buddy. Come on.

God, I can't die in a Cadillac!

Come on! Hurry!

Ooh. That's nice. Yeah, thanks. Come on. Let's go.

(GRUNTS)

Come on!

ERIC: Merry freakin' Christmas.

Open the damn trunk!

ALEX: Get it open! Get it open, man!

(GRUNTS) Hell, yeah!

Come on.

My legs are so asleep. Hold on, hold on.

Oh, God, with the weird pins and needles thing.

BEDEE: Come on. That doesn't matter.

STU: Get your ass out the car! Give me the keys!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ow.

ERIC: Come on, Stu! Go! Go! Go! BEDEE: Go!

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Okay!

Why don't you guys finish your little love-hate thing now.

Yeah, why'd you send that weirdo after me for?

What weirdo? That preacher guy.

You deserved it. You stole my wallet.

You got me fired!

What? You wanna go again?

You see, I'm trying to have a moment here. It's you!

It's me? It's you!

It's me.

It's me.

(ALEX WHIMPERING)

Oh.

ALEX: The car blew up. Anybody see that?

(SOBBING)

That was really, really close.

Whoo!

Oh, that was close.

(ALEX LAUGHING AND SOBBING)

Oh, Jesus.

Uh...

That's it, man. I'm done.

You all right, beautiful?

I am now.

All right.

That was a nice car, too.

ERIC: All right, diary. I'm inspired.

Well, the last couple of days sure have been eye-opening.

I got myself into some serious shit.

And I nearly got me and my best friends killed in the process.

And for what?

To fall out of love.

So this is your big Tuesday secret?

This is absolutely insane.

And absolutely awesome.

I don't know about this, man. I thought we gave this up.

He just wants a little cut.

You really trust this guy, huh?

I don't know. We had some weird connection.

Okay. That's... (RELUCTANTLY) All right.

Yeah.

(EXCLAIMING IN ANGER)

(SHOUTING ANGRILY)

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

(THUDDING)

ERIC: My buddy Zen master told my buddy, who told me,

"You get what you resist."

(MAN MOANING) Oh!

Oh, right there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you like that, baby, don't ya?

(INSINCERELY) It's my favorite.

That Zen shit,

it's for real.

I'm a believer.

"My buddy Zen master told my buddy, who told me,

"'You get what you resist.'

"That Zen shit's for real. I'm a believer."

What are you readin'?

TARA: (READING) "So now if anyone ever asks me,

"I remember my exact moment that I lost that feeling

"was when I stood under my

"ex's window

"and heard her lying to me...

"...and heard her lying to me,

"over and over in a rhythmic climax.

"And for what?

"To fall out of love."

Thinking about getting married.

What the fuck... Yes.

...are you talking about?

I'm thinking about, I'm gonna do it.

Why? Because.

What... Look at me! Prison! No! Don't do it.

I've gotta do it. You don't have to do it!

I love her.

So, what does that even mean?

What does that mean, you love her? What does that mean?

It means that I have invested a lot of my time into...

So you wanna go into a legal contract with the state?

That's all it is. It's a tribal ritual.

It's been around for thousands of years.

And idiots just do it because everybody before them did it.

And the only reason why guys get married at all

is 'cause the idea of some other dude gorilla-fucking your woman

is just too much for you to handle.

It's insecurity. That's what it is.

It's weak shit.

I'm guilty as charged. Trust me. Don't do it.

You don't need to do it.

But it's a good... Look, it's an institution.

Marriage is an institution...

What? So is the KKK! What does that mean?

Everything's an institution.

It's a legal contract with the state in a relationship.

How the fuck can you say "till death do you part"?

And it's not "till death do you part" anyway.

There's like 65 percent divorce rate.

You've thought about this a lot, I see.

Yeah! Yeah. You lose all your shit, dude.

You gotta pay lawyers. And it's not even half.

It's two-thirds.

'Cause the freakin' lawyer gets a third.

It's all good, though. Listen, I'm not trying to get divorced.

I'm gonna be married forever, man.

What the fuck are you talking about, fantasy boy?

I'm talking about reality right now.

You're talking fuckin' green eggs and ham!

Dawg, all I was trying to tell you

is that I was thinking about getting married.

And I'm telling you, as a guy who's fucked...

I'm fucked. You know why I stay?

Because I can't afford a freakin' lawyer.

And I like my kids.

But you're... I'm saying, you got beautiful kids.

What the fuck does that matter?

I gotta check in with my wife every time I wanna go anywhere.

We're at the strip club right now, partying!

Yeah... No! No, no, no! We're at Sam's house playing cards!

And I gotta step outside in 20 minutes and make fake phone call.

It's all good. You think that's fun?

That is fun. That's the...

You wanna have someone like your mommy

who you gotta check in with?

(WHISTLES)

You should really think about why you got married.

I thought when you got married it's for the...

It's the... Look, I love my kids.

I love my kids. Your kids are great.

It's just been awhile since I seen 'em.

It's been awhile since I seen 'em.

I got lucky. My wife's not that bad.

It could be worse. She's great.

She's great. It's been awhile since I seen her.

You don't have to do it. I can do it, though.

No, you can stay out.

Why don't you come by for a barbecue next week?

Why don't you think about it for a couple of years?

Your girl's Latin.

What's up, dude? I don't know.

How many babies you want, 50?

I just want two. Yeah, whatever.

Boy and a girl. Two? Two will be in the first week.

You know, they're only pregnant for, like, three months.

They're like a Rottweiler. Get the fuck out of here!

They shoot babies out. Ay, ay, ay!

Get the fuck out.

If she heard you talking like this, she'd kick your ass.

I hope you like kids. You're gonna be stepping on little pinatas

all around your fuckin' house. Oh. (LAUGHS)

Come on, man. Having babies.