Original subtitles

Jake, time to go.

Get your stuff together.

After you drop him off, you want to see a movie?

Sure, that sounds good.

Cool. Enjoy.

Why don't you just tell me you've got a girl coming over?

I didn't want to rub your nose in it.

Thanks.

She's gorgeous, by the way.

Wonderful.

Why are you putting Jake's stuff all over the house?

Because I want this girl to see

I'm not just another jerk trying to get her into bed.

I'm a loving uncle.

Who's trying to get her into bed.

That's the loving part.

Oh, this is the book I read to him at bedtime.

You don't read to Jake.

That's why you're going to the movies.

Okay, ready to go.

Is your skateboard still outside by the front door?

Oh, sorry. I'll bring it in.

No, no, leave it there.

See, I do this thing where I kind of trip over it,

then I bitch a little bit.

You know, I'm harried, but lovable.

You got everything? What about your schoolbooks?

Oh, right.

So, what time are you expecting Little Red Riding Hood?

Oh, and I'm the Big Bad Wolf.

Very clever, and not a bad game to play later.

A little huffing and puffing and blowing...

That's "The Three Little Pigs."

Same wolf though, right?

I got my schoolbooks.

And your homework?

Oh.

You know, Charlie,

if you took half the energy

you put into manipulating casual sexual encounters

and used it to actually build a relationship,

you'd be a lot happier.

Hard to imagine.

Are you saying you never want to settle down?

You mean get married?

Let me tell you something, bunky.

If you've got someone

to clean your house and do your shopping,

and you're getting some action on a regular basis,

the only reason you need a wife

is if you have some sick compulsion

to give away half your stuff.

What about kids?

I already got one.

And the best part is he leaves

before we get sick of each other, right, dude?

Okay, let's go.

Bye, Uncle Charlie.

See you next week.

Where are your shoes?

Oh, right.

I've been so depressed since the divorce,

I've gained eight pounds,

and not one ounce went to my boobs.

Honey, you're still better off without the rat bastard.

But I miss the rat bastard.

Listen to me, Kathleen.

I thought I missed my husband too,

but it turned out to be just a little prescription mix-up.

Hi, Mom.

There's my big boy.

Don't I get a hug?

Nope. Got to drain the lizard.

Boys.

Hey.

Oh, hi, Alan.

He left his homework in the car.

Oh, thank you.

Hang on. I have some bills you need to pay.

Great.

Hope they're really big ones.

Hi. Alan.

So, you, uh, you must be Judith's support group.

It's funny 'cause, uh,

I'm kind of supporting her, too.

It's not funny ha-ha so much as...

not funny.

Ooh, cookies.

Maybe this'll take the taste of foot out of my mouth.

So, uh, who's the little baker among us?

Mmm... foot.

Can I have a cookie?

Sure, sweetie.

You are so cute.

I know.

You have a girlfriend yet?

No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

So, you're never

going to get married?

No, as long as I got someone

to clean my house,

and some action on a regular basis,

I don't need a wife.

Excuse me?

I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Okay, bye-bye.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

This is my favorite part of the house.

I call it God's room.

Are you religious?

Oh, Tiffany, how can you not be when you look at...

something like that?

In fact, I'm always telling my...

little nephew...

what's important is this.

Not the big house or the fancy car, or...

all the expensive toys I'm always buying him.

Wow, you're amazing.

I don't know many guys

that would make room in their lives

for somebody else's child.

Hey, he's family.

What kind of a man doesn't make room in his life

for his own family?

( door shuts )

Oh, look, it's my brother Alan,

who I also made room in my life for.

Excuse me.

Bro!

All right, you moron...

...what part of "stay out of the house

so I can run around naked with a hot chick"

didn't you understand?

I'm sorry.

I'm just too depressed to sit through a movie.

And you figured ruining my evening

would cheer you up?

( phone ringing )

You know, the movie was just a suggestion.

Go bowling, Go sit on the curb. I don't care.

Oh, leave me alone. Who's that?

Judith, again.

She's really upset with me.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Thank you. Now get out.

Get out? She's upset with me because of you.

Oh. Well, that's different.

But still, get out.

Your sexist, manipulative attitude towards women

just got into Jake's head,

and he spewed it out in front of his mother's

angry women's support group.

Wait a minute.

Is it a women's support group that's angry,

or a support group just for angry women?

What difference does it make?

Well, if they were already angry,

then I'm less culpable.

Okay,

what did Jake say?

Oh, not much; he just

parroted your line

about how women are only good for sex

and cleaning the house.

You didn't really say that?

No, no, no, no.

What I said was

is that there's really no reason to get married

if you've already got somebody to clean and...

You want to go to the movies with me?

Man, Jake's going to love this video game.

Listen to this.

16 levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem.

24 flesh-ripping weapons, plus gratuitous nudity.

Let me see that.

"Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?

Scooter's a zombie.

( phone ringing )

It's Tiffany.

She's still talking to you after last weekend?

What can I tell you?

I'm hard to stay mad at.

Hello? Oh, hey, Tiff.

I've been thinking about you all week.

Yeah, we did get off to a bad start,

and I really blame myself.

No, I'd love to try again.

Um, I'm going to get Jake,

but I'll leave the front door unlocked

in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.

Wait a minute, Alan.

I got to put you on hold a sec, Tiff.

How come Judith's not bringing him over?

I don't know; Judith asked me to do it,

and I just got tired of arguing.

She still busting your chops about what Jake said?

Look, blame it on me.

Tell her I'm sorry.

She won't buy it.

Sure she will.

Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.

Poor Satan.

He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

Hey, Tiff, I'm back.

Whoa.

That's kind of harsh.

Hey, wait a minute... Hello?

Oh, I see.

That's not the "hold" button.

Hey. Is Jake ready?

Not exactly.

Maybe you should come in for a second.

Judith, how many times have I asked you

to have him ready when I...?

Hello.

Sit down, Alan.

We want to talk to you.

"We"?

Yes. Sit down.

Okay.

I guess I can stay for a minute.

Hmm. No cookies.

No cookies.

Um, Alan, Jake is not here.

Why not? Where is he?

He's sleeping over at a friend's.

What are you talking about?

This is my time with him.

Yes, I know, but...

Judith feels she can no longer

allow her son to be exposed

to the toxic influences of your brother.

Whoa. Wait a second.

We have a custody agreement.

Yes, but Judith feels

that the welfare of her son supersedes that.

You can't do this. Yes, she can.

Who are you? They're my friends.

What the hell do your friends have to do with this?

We love and support her.

We won't let you bully her.

Okay, first of all, can the person I talk to

be the person who answers me?

That's fair.

Okay, I don't want to talk to you people.

This is between me and Judith.

You're absolutely right.

Judith, tell him what we agreed.

Okay. You can see Jake on weekends,

but not at Charlie's house.

But that's where I live.

I'm sorry, Alan, but you'll just have to choose

between your son and your brother.

You know what?

Maybe I have a problem

with Jake being in this toxic environment.

And I am not leaving

until you bitter old crones are out of my house,

and I have my kid back.

All right, all right, you can stay,

but I want my kid.

Okay, I'll go.

Morning.

Hey.

Where are the pancakes?

What pancakes?

You always make pancakes on Saturday morning.

I make 'em for Jake.

Jake's not here.

Kind of weird without him, huh?

Yes.

Would it lift your spirits

if you made pancakes for me?

I'm sorry, man.

I told you to blame it all on me.

Charlie, they had moved way past blame.

It was more like a jihad.

Except with no cookies.

Your big mistake was dealing with them as a group.

The trick with women is to split 'em off

from the herd one by one...

otherwise they spook and you risk a stampede.

Kind of like buffalo.

In fact, I'll bet

that's where that song comes from.

* Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight *

* Come out tonight... Do you hear yourself?!

"Buffalo gals"?

Are you insane?!

This is the kind of talk that started this whole mess!

I didn't write the song, Alan.

Morning.

Morning, Berta.

What, no pancakes?

Jake's not here this weekend.

Why not?

Apparently, Jake took something I said out of context

and repeated it in front of his mother,

and she overreacted, as is her nature.

What did you say, numb-nuts?

Well, if your domestic chores are taken care of by one woman,

and you have an active sexual life with other women,

you don't necessarily need yet another woman

with whom to tie the matrimonial knot.

Oh. And which category do I come in under?

Well, I got to say it's the sweet lovin', Berta,

'cause this place is a mess.

( knocking )

Morning, everybody.

I brought real maple syrup for the pancakes.

There's no pancakes, Rose.

Because Jake's not here.

'Cause Charlie's an idiot.

Oh. Why?

I mean,

why is Jake not here,

not why is Charlie an idiot.

Because we know that.

EVELYN: Hello?

Where's my grandson?

Oh, God, make this stop.

Good morning.

Hi, Mom. Good morning.

So, where's Jake?

Ask Charlie.

Yeah, ask him.

Well, Charlie?

See? Just like buffalo.

No, Evelyn, I'm sorry.

I certainly want you to be able to spend time

with your grandson, but I just don't want him around Charlie.

Why? Why do you think?

That's right.

No, his attitude towards women is not a reflection

on you or how you raised him.

( whispers ): Yes, it is.

( knocking )

Look, there's someone at the door.

I've got to go.

No, Evelyn, I don't think this would seem less important

if I was "getting a little."

Judith, can't we talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about, Charlie.

Okay, don't talk. Just listen.

I love Jake,

and I would never intentionally do anything

to influence him in a negative way.

I don't care about your intentions.

Okay.

I'm a jerk, I'm immature,

I'm self-centered, I'm...

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Yes, we've heard about you.

And I'll bet none of it's good.

I'm sorry. What is your name?

Linda.

Linda. Really?

I once had my heart broken by a woman named Linda.

Charlie, we're having a meeting.

And I'll bet it was about me.

Am I right?

Come on. Be honest...

Mandy.

Mandy. I love that song, "Mandy."

Charlie...

Listen, I know I can't come in here

and ask to be forgiven for some of the stupid things

I've said in front of Jake...

but I do have the right to say I'm sorry, don't I?

I suppose.

Thank you. And you are?

Kathleen.

Kathleen, a fine Irish name.

Well, half Irish, on my mother's side.

Are you and your mom close?

I guess.

I envy that, Kathleen.

Me and my mom...

Okay, Charlie, give it a rest.

We're not a bunch of sorority girls

you can charm with your big brown eyes.

And nice smile.

Thank you, Mandy.

Linda, I admit

I-I sometimes

relate to women on a very superficial level,

but I think that's because... deep down,

I-I-I have intimacy issues that probably go back to my mom.

My mother crippled me emotionally.

You, too?

And I am so afraid I'm making

the same mistakes with my daughter.

Well, you know what, uh...

Ruth.

Ruth.

That's the same fear

I have with Jake, Ruth.

I've clearly made mistakes,

but that's because I'm human,

and after all...

what are we trying to do with our children

other than to raise them... as humans?

Oh, stop it, Charlie.

"Our children"? You have no children.

That's true.

Although I don't think it's fair to throw it in my face.

I mean, some of us haven't been blessed

with the little ones the way you have.

That was uncalled for, Judith.

Look, I'm being real up-front with you

about the mistakes I've made with Jake,

how I've influenced him...

but let's talk for a minute about how he's influenced me,

how this... little boy has made me... a better man.

Oh, dear God, you're not going to listen to this crap,

are you? WOMEN: Shh!

No, I will not shh!

He's lying to you.

It's all he does: lie, lie, lie!

You've got to believe me!

It's okay. It's all right, Judith.

We're all here for you.

Okay.

Who's ready for a refill?

Oh, that kid.

What are you going to do, huh?

Charlie, where's the little girl's room?

It's down the hall to the right,

and around here we leave the seat up,

so don't just drop trou and back in.

Oh! You're terrible.

I'm serious. I'm not coming in there with the shoehorn.

You're getting a little pink there, Kathleen.

Turn around. I'll put some more suntan lotion on your back.

Okay.

Hi, Alan.

Hello.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you.

Uh, what's happening?

Oh, a bunch of us came over

to have a little wine in God's room.

Why don't you join us?

Thank you.

What the hell?

CHARLIE & WOMEN: * Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight *

* Come out tonight, come out tonight *

* Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight *

* And dance by the light of the moon. *

( knocking )

Hey, Dad.

Hey, pal.

What's, uh, what's going on?

I want my friends back.

I'm sorry. What?

Hi, Uncle Charlie.

There he is! How you doing, buddy?

We missed you around here.

I slept over at Toby's house.

Cool.

Jake, honey, go put your stuff in your room.

Okay.

He's staying?

Okay, here's the deal.

We go back to the original custody arrangement,

but with one new condition.

What's that?

Charlie agrees to never ever enter my house again.

Done.

Want some wine?

Charlie...

yeah, sure, why not?

How?

I told you, I'm hard to stay mad at.

Anyway...

they're your problem now.

I'm going to hang with Jake till Tiffany gets here.

What?

You got a normal-sized head.

Thanks. I'm pretty happy with it.

Well, I don't get it.

What don't you get?

I heard Mom say the reason

Uncle Charlie gets into so much trouble

is because he thinks with his little head.

It's not that little.

Okay, you tell your mother...

Charlie...

...that women are to be honored and respected.

See, Jake?

That's the big head talking.

But he only has one head.

Do you want to tell him,

or should we let him spin for a while?

I'd rather he spin.

Oh, come on. At least give me a clue.

All right.

What do men have that women don't?

Beards?

Lower.

( lowering voice ): Beards.

You're right. Let him spin.