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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,771
( Alan imitating a vacuum )
2
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,451
Alan?
3
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:22,256
Alan, what are you doing?
4
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,759
There are dust bunnies
everywhere.
5
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,296
Oh...
6
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,598
so you're vacuuming
dust bunnies?
7
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:34,168
No, their poop.
8
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:37,071
( imitating vacuum )
9
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,906
Are you sleepwalking?
10
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,941
You're stepping
in it, you're
stepping in it!
11
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,210
Don't step in it!
12
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:45,713
( imitating vacuum )
13
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,215
Alan.
14
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:50,318
Why don't we leave the dust
bunny poop until morning?
15
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,121
( imitating vacuum )
16
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:57,725
Click.
Hey.
17
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,562
Come on, come on.
18
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,264
Let's get you tucked in,
19
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,499
you crazy son of a bitch.
20
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,575
Gort, klaatu barata nikto.
21
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,479
What?
22
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,081
You know.
23
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,586
CHARLIE:
Okay, that's it-- into bed.
24
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:26,254
Nighty-night.
25
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,921
And if you feel the need
26
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,923
to get up and clean
something again,
27
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,559
maybe you can wax my car.
28
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:36,730
Oh! For God's
sake, Rose.
29
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,767
Isn't there enough poop
on the carpet tonight?
30
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:40,868
What are you
doing here?
31
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,270
I'm sorry.
32
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,372
I saw your lights come on,
and I was worried.
33
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,275
Why were you looking at my house
at 3:00 in the morning?
34
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,678
Haven't you heard
of the Neighborhood Watch?
35
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,447
We don't have a
neighborhood watch.
36
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:54,582
Well, not yet.
37
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,850
If we did, I surely
couldn't stroll in here
38
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,252
like I just did.
39
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,556
So, what's going on?
40
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,393
Nothing. Alan
was sleepwalking.
41
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,928
At least I hope that
was sleepwalking.
42
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,697
Oh. Sure.
43
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,166
My parents used to put
a football helmet on me
44
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,367
and strap me in bed.
45
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,968
You were a sleepwalker?
46
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,204
No.
47
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,573
Good night, Rose.
48
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,142
Good night, Charlie.
49
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:25,546
Thank you;
I had a wonderful time.
50
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,655
If crazy ever becomes
an Olympic event,
51
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,425
I got the first two legs
of the relay.
52
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:41,529
Ah!
53
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,032
What?
54
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,401
Nothing.
55
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,539
Man, I'm living in a loony bin.
56
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,344
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
57
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,413
* Men... *
58
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,717
Well, Judith, I don't care
59
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,619
what all the other
divorced parents are doing.
60
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,988
I don't think Jake needs
to keep seeing the psychologist.
61
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:11,492
No, I am not in denial.
62
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,998
Judith, denying you're in denial
is not denial.
63
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,968
Okay, okay... okay, look,
this is how it's going to be.
64
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,704
I will have Jake at the
psychologist's office at 11:00.
65
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,873
You're welcome.
66
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:26,907
Damn it!
67
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,676
What's wrong?
68
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,410
Nothing.
69
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,844
Were you talking
to Mom?
70
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,481
Yes, but I hung up
before I said the bad stuff.
71
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,883
Yeah, she does the same thing
with you.
72
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,119
Hey.
73
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,655
Morning. Uh, why
is the vacuum cleaner out?
74
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,961
Because we were ankle deep
in bunny poop.
75
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,766
Were you drinking last night?
76
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,968
Yes, but that's
not the point.
77
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,671
You were sleepwalking.
78
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,007
Really? I have no memory
of being up.
79
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,442
Good for you,
80
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:03,944
because I have no
memory of being asleep.
81
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,045
I'm sorry;
I haven't done that
82
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,447
since I was a kid.
83
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,816
Yeah, well,
if you're going to regress,
84
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,952
let me know so I can stock up
on rubber sheets.
85
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,555
Okay, that was uncalled for.
86
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,624
Hey, Jake, you want to go
to the bowling alley
87
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,258
and play some
air hockey today?
88
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:21,862
Sure, but you still owe me,
like, $12,000 from last time.
89
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,932
What are you going to
do, break my thumbs?
90
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,700
Wouldn't hurt your game.
91
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,602
Just remember,
92
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,404
we've got
Jake's "session" first.
93
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,172
Oh, man, I thought
you didn't want him
94
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,374
to go back to that quack.
95
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,443
I didn't, but Judith
and I talked,
96
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,345
and we decided
that what I want
97
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,480
makes no difference
whatsoever.
98
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,083
Man, you are
so whipped.
99
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,352
I'm not whipped.
100
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,253
I'm just trying
to keep everybody happy.
101
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,856
Meow. Fit-choo!
102
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,290
I am not meow-fitchooed.
103
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,792
You're right.
104
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:55,329
It's been a long time
since you got any meow.
105
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,301
Are we getting a cat?
106
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,839
You know, this
is a waste of time.
107
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:06,907
Jake's a normal kid.
108
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,542
I know,
but it's not going to hurt
109
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,711
to have someone outside
the family he can talk to.
110
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:11,845
Oh, please.
111
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,847
He's just sitting in there
making stuff up.
112
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,350
What?
113
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,519
Well, not really
making it up.
114
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:21,722
He and I work out
his schtick beforehand.
115
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:27,661
Today he's telling her
he sees dead people.
116
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:32,132
Charlie, I am paying this woman
a lot of money.
117
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:35,068
Bet you feel pretty stupid, huh?
118
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,637
What do you want me to do?
119
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:39,407
Judith is insisting
he comes here once a week.
120
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,542
Okay, look,
nobody likes divorce,
121
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,677
but there are
certain advantages.
122
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,479
One of
the more popular ones
123
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:49,082
is you get to tell your ex-wife
to bite the big one.
124
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,853
Or whatever you got left.
125
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:53,921
Oh, that'll help.
126
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,690
Look, it's just an hour
out of our day.
127
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:57,958
Which could have been spent
on air hockey
128
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,660
and bowling alley martinis.
129
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,063
It's a small price to pay
to avoid aggravating Judith.
130
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,198
Okay, I understand.
131
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,133
Thank you.
132
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,668
You're a big girl.
133
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,973
Are there any out here?
134
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,246
No.
135
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,514
Good.
136
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,483
We'll see you
next Saturday.
137
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,954
Doctor, you should know,
138
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,589
he doesn't really
see dead people.
139
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:29,990
Oh, of course not.
140
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,460
He's just trying to resolve
emotional issues
141
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,061
through visualized fantasy.
142
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,395
Do you have my check?
143
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,098
Hey, Dad, how come we never
144
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,534
got spare ribs when
we were at Mom's house?
145
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,169
Because your mom thinks
they're too fatty.
146
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,072
Fit-choo!
147
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,075
Is that really necessary?
148
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,210
Hey, if the
fit-choo fits...
149
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:52,813
Fit-choo!
150
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,718
Are you happy?
151
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,120
Come on, he doesn't know
what it means.
152
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:01,755
Fine.
153
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,290
Anybody see
the pancakes
154
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:04,324
for the moo-shu
chicken?
155
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,359
No, looks like they forgot them.
156
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,928
Just eat it with a fork.
157
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,830
You don't eat moo-shu
with a fork.
158
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:13,133
You eat moo-shu with a pancake
like a little Chinese taco.
159
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,234
Okay, all right.
160
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,469
You want a taco shell?
161
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,137
No, I don't want a taco shell.
162
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,139
I want a pancake for my moo-shu.
163
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,674
I ordered pancakes.
164
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,543
I paid for pancakes.
165
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,845
Where the hell
are my pancakes?!
166
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,013
Alan, chill.
167
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,180
I will not chill.
168
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,281
I want what I ordered.
169
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,650
For once in my life,
170
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,284
I will get
what was promised me.
171
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,487
Fit-choo!
172
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,727
See? Not a clue.
173
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,630
I am going
to call that restaurant
174
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:43,964
and give them
a piece of my mind.
175
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,534
That's smart--
scream at the people
176
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,101
who handle your food.
177
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:49,102
Is he okay?
178
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,704
Oh, yeah;
maybe a little tired.
179
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,105
Just been working
pretty hard.
180
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,975
You know my second grade
teacher, Miss Spulvaney?
181
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,578
One time she got mad
'cause there was no chalk,
182
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,547
and they found her
in the cafeteria
183
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,281
hiding under a lunch table.
184
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,282
No kidding.
185
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,917
Yup, she went berserk.
186
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,922
That's how we got
Miss McKinnon.
187
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,072
Hi.
188
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:29,810
Rose... how do you keep getting
in the house?
189
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,012
Oh, Charlie,
aren't we past that?
190
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:34,047
I just thought
you'd like to know
191
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,884
that your brother's
sleepwalking again.
192
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,953
And you had to get
in bed with me to tell me that?
193
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,555
No, silly.
194
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,557
I was already in bed with you.
195
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,358
I just heard him
196
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,928
walking around
downstairs.
197
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,542
Alan?
198
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,846
What are you doing?
199
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,280
Making a birthday cake.
200
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,882
You and Mom want some?
201
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,285
You handle this,
honey.
202
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:13,987
I'm going back to bed.
203
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:25,498
Jake, your grandmother's here.
204
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,667
Oh, man.
205
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,869
I mean right
here in the room.
206
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,673
Oh, man, grandma's here.
207
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:35,175
I blame you.
208
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,544
Take a number.
209
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,848
Huh. How could we
be out of eggs?
210
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,950
Dr. Linda Freeman,
child psychologist?
211
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,385
Who here is seeing
a child psychologist?
212
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,221
Uh, Jake.
213
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,324
His mom was concerned
about, you know,
214
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,894
the impact of the
divorce and everything.
215
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:54,561
On who?
216
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,297
On Jake.
217
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,667
I'll be right back.
218
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,568
I'm gonna go get some eggs.
219
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,236
Jake, honey,
220
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,639
I-I just want you to know
221
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:10,010
that seeing a therapist
is no reflection on you.
222
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,880
Okay.
It's a reflection
on your parents.
223
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,382
Particularly your mother.
224
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,752
I think I'm gonna get a cat.
225
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,555
The Queen of
Darkness is here.
226
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,692
Thanks for the head's up.
227
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,426
Where you going?
228
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,728
Oh, we're out of eggs.
229
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,397
And you have no idea why?
230
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:34,367
Well, Charlie, I would assume
somebody ate them.
231
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,238
Okay, let's go with that.
232
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,342
Then I tried
Freudian analysis,
233
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,946
but with them, you know,
it's just sex, sex, sex.
234
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:48,248
My doctor has a cow puppet.
235
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,383
Really?
236
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,619
MD or PhD?
237
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,856
C-O-W.
238
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,293
Hey, Mom,
can I talk to you for a minute?
239
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,829
Oh, be right there.
240
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,998
Now, honey, the cow puppet
doesn't need to know
241
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,134
about the time
you saw grandmommy
242
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,436
dancing
with the Cuban gentleman
243
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,972
in the Neiman Marcus
changing room.
244
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,943
What is it, Charlie?
245
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,778
I need to talk to you
about Alan.
246
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,747
He's been acting
really strange lately.
247
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,315
And I suppose
it's my fault.
248
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:23,616
No, no.
249
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,886
Well, maybe.
250
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,189
The thing is,
he's been sleepwalking,
251
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,524
and I remember him doing it
when he was a kid.
252
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:32,793
Oh, yes.
253
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,694
It was shortly after
your father passed away.
254
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,229
What did you do about it?
255
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,664
Well, nothing, really.
256
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:40,801
It seemed to stop by itself
when he was 13.
257
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,970
Right around the time
258
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:46,406
he started taking
those long showers
259
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,675
and, you know,
260
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:52,679
relieving his anxiety
in a more direct way.
261
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:53,981
Got it.
262
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,184
So, sexual release
cured his sleepwalking.
263
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,451
Seemed to.
264
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,889
Of course there was a brief time
when the two overlapped.
265
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:08,829
I recall an incredibly
awkward bridge game.
266
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,064
Okay, great.
Thank you.
267
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,201
I had seven no trump,
and he just walked in
268
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,870
with this goofy smile
on his face.
269
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,206
This is nice.
270
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,707
Great idea, Charlie.
271
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,142
Well, I figure
you work all week,
272
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,743
you got your kid
on the weekends.
273
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,612
I bet you hardly even
have the time
274
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,314
to take a nice, long,
soapy shower.
275
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,985
Yeah, it has been
a little hectic.
276
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,686
Let me ask you something.
277
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,756
When's the last time
you had sex with a girl?
278
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,859
Or a melon?
279
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,961
Or anything?
280
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,396
None of your business.
281
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,198
That long, huh?
282
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,734
Why do you care?
283
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:48,869
I don't know.
284
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,871
You just have
that twitchy look
285
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,506
of a guy who's got one
stuck in the chamber.
286
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:56,043
I am fine, Charlie.
287
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,078
Yeah, sure, I'd like
to meet somebody,
288
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,647
but in the meantime I'm
living a very full life.
289
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:02,382
I have no complaints.
290
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,517
Okay, this table is really
starting to piss me off.
291
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:05,685
Just let it wobble.
292
00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,020
You want beer
in your lap,
293
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,089
'cause I don't want
beer in my lap.
294
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,092
Hi, Charlie.
295
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,793
Who's your cute friend?
296
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,566
Just get up here,
you jackass.
297
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,136
Hi, Charlie.
298
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,505
Who's your cute friend?
299
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:26,739
Oh, hi, Darlene.
300
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,541
This is my brother Alan.
301
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,043
Come, please, join us.
302
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,514
Hi, Alan.
This is my friend Annette.
Hi.
303
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:35,916
Hello.
304
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,817
Hey, he is cute.
305
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,819
You are.
306
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:44,691
You know, Alan,
Annette is a seat filler
307
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,459
for most
of the major awards shows.
308
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,794
Is that so?
309
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,562
Oh yeah, it's a
big responsibility.
310
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:53,600
'Cause when a celebrity, like,
gets up to go to the bathroom,
311
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,469
they don't want to have
an empty seat on TV.
312
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:57,938
Understandable.
313
00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,806
You know who pees a lot?
314
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,042
Jeff Bridges.
315
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,612
Okay. Whataya say
we get out of here
316
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,880
and go back to our place?
317
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:07,948
Okeydoke.
318
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,816
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold it.
319
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,919
Everybody sit down.
320
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,753
Wow, I feel like I'm at work.
321
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,455
What is going on?
322
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,589
Nothing.
323
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,926
We met a couple of girls
who took a shine to us.
324
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,060
Just like that?
325
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,662
Yes, Alan, just like that.
326
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:26,033
Oh, God, please tell me
you did not pay them.
327
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,300
Hey, I resent that.
328
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:31,171
Not all seat fillers hook.
329
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:36,376
Well, it was very nice
meeting you. I'm leaving.
330
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,346
Be right back.
331
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,914
Keep drinking.
332
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,215
What is wrong with you?
333
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,951
Me? There is nothing
wrong with me.
334
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,086
I'm just, I'm not
interested in being set up
335
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,921
with a woman whose
idea of chitchat
336
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,222
is celebrity
pee-pee secrets.
337
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,524
You want me to set you up
with the other one?
338
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,792
No!
339
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:54,161
Are you sure,
'cause there's no way
340
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,795
you're bagging her
on your own.
341
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:58,531
Why is this so
important to you?
342
00:14:58,598 --> 00:14:59,832
Are you kidding me?
343
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,368
You've been acting nuttier
344
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,670
than rat crap
in a pistachio factory.
345
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,040
And I figured if I could coax
your Johnson out of retirement,
346
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,642
you'd stop
making invisible birthday cakes.
347
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:10,978
What?
348
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,280
I can't say it
more clearly than that, Alan.
349
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,719
Are you happy?
350
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,055
Are you?
Are you happy?
351
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,193
Anyway,
I know you only deal with kids,
352
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,096
but I didn't know
where else to take him.
353
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,233
This is ridiculous.
354
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,834
I don't need to be here.
355
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,736
I gave you a choice--
356
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:40,974
Take the long shower
or talk to the doctor.
357
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,842
Well, if I had to guess--
358
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:45,145
and that's pretty much
all I do here--
359
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,548
I would have to say
360
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:52,119
that based on his inappropriate
outbursts and sleepwalking,
361
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:55,522
Alan is struggling with
a great deal of suppressed rage.
362
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:59,426
Rage? No, I don't...
I don't think so.
363
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:00,660
Oh, come on.
364
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,196
Your wife threw you
out of your own house,
365
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,398
she still runs your
life, you're broke,
366
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,035
and you only get to see
your kid two days a week,
367
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,902
one of which you
have to bring him
368
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,671
to this rug rat exorcist.
369
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,844
No offense.
370
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:22,215
Okay.
371
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:26,186
Now, Alan, how do you feel
about what Charlie just shared?
372
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,088
Well, I-I think
he's completely off base.
373
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,257
I mean, yes, I get
a little frustrated sometimes.
374
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,260
You know, when Judith
doesn't get her own way
375
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,929
she just keeps coming at me,
and... and coming at me,
376
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,432
like a friggin' steamroller,
377
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,934
crushing my... my spirit,
and my self-respect.
378
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,670
That's very good.
379
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:47,574
But on the other hand,
she's a very good mom to Jake.
380
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,141
Tell you what.
381
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,443
Let's pretend
382
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:55,848
that Judith is sitting
in this chair.
383
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,650
What would you tell her
right now?
384
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:58,785
I-I don't know.
385
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:02,089
I feel a little silly
talking to an empty chair.
386
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,956
Fair enough.
Charlie, do you mind?
387
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,024
Do I mind what?
388
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,259
Thank you.
389
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:17,437
Now, Alan, tell Judith
how you really feel.
390
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,974
Well, um...
391
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,743
Judith...
392
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:29,482
I, uh, I know you're working
through some of your own issues,
393
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:33,019
sexual and otherwise,
and, uh, and I support that.
394
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,787
That's telling her, Alan.
395
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,990
Charlie, remember
you're Judith.
396
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,459
Sorry.
397
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,663
( falsetto ):
That's telling me, Alan.
398
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:48,201
Is this going
to take much longer?
399
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,238
'Cause I have to get
to a massage,
400
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,806
then a tennis lesson
that he's paying for.
401
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:54,974
Tennis?
402
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,709
Since when do you play tennis?
403
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,811
I told you,
but you never listen.
404
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:00,747
He never listens.
405
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,049
Thank God his brother
took him in.
406
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,285
Hey, I am warning you.
407
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,520
You're warning me?
408
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:11,090
Okay, Alan, how are
you feeling right now?
409
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,493
Well... a little angry.
410
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,528
Really, 'cause you
don't sound angry.
411
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,063
Well... I am.
412
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,431
I just don't see any reason
413
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,533
to make a-a big spectacle
of myself.
414
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,869
Yeah, you'd rather
blow off a sure thing
415
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,705
who actually makes a living
with her ass.
416
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:30,710
Meaningless, loveless sex
is not the answer, Charlie.
417
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,180
Meow, fit-choo!
418
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:37,016
Okay, I am really
getting tired of that.
419
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,318
Hey, you know
what, Charlie,
420
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,052
I don't much care
for that either.
421
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,722
If you like, we can
schedule another session
422
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,459
to deal with your
fear of vaginas.
423
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,430
Now, Alan,
424
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,565
the reason I asked you
if you were angry
425
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,302
is because I have yet to see
any genuine expression
426
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,171
of what are undoubtedly
some very powerful feelings.
427
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,572
Well, I-I'm sorry,
428
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,274
but that's just
the best I can do.
429
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,843
Okay, well, let's
try something else.
430
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:07,113
This is called a bataka.
431
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,215
It's heavily padded.
432
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,882
It can't hurt anybody.
433
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,853
But you can use it to vent
your deep, angry feelings.
434
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,490
You're wasting your time, Doc.
435
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,292
He's too much of a wimp to...
436
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,094
There you go.
437
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,130
Good.
438
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,465
Good.
439
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,775
Keep going, Alan!
440
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,110
Stop!
441
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,246
Should I stop?
442
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,713
Well, it's up to you.
443
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,315
You paid for
the full hour.
444
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,554
Attaboy.
Attaboy.
445
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:53,092
Thank you, Doctor.
446
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:53,993
That was great.
447
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:54,894
I feel much better.
448
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,062
Oh, good.
449
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,931
Yeah, we're all thrilled
for you.
450
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:04,637
And by the way,
about the... you know.
451
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:08,207
I'm not scared of 'em.
452
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:11,444
I just have a healthy respect.
453
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:13,145
Fine.
454
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,647
I'll see you both next week.
455
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:24,857
How long am I gonna have
to keep coming here?
30975
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