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1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,437
Hey, Judith.
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,738
Oh, there's
the rock star.
3
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:05,773
Ready for
a fun weekend?
4
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,241
Leave me alone.
5
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,211
Musicians.
6
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:13,147
Alan, that child
is driving me insane.
7
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,683
Like father,
like son, huh?
8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,319
Really, that bad?
9
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,155
He's been sullen and
uncooperative for days.
10
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,057
I think he needs
to see someone.
11
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,126
What-what, you mean
like a, like a shrink?
12
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,261
No, Alan, I mean
like a blacksmith.
13
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,598
This is clearly
a reaction to our divorce.
14
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,267
He's not processing
his emotions in a healthy way
15
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:36,237
and I think therapy
could help unblock him.
16
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:37,638
Where did you get that?
17
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,173
From my therapist.
18
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,876
Who's working
wonders with you.
19
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,178
Excuse me?
20
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,647
Who's working
wonders with you.
21
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,818
( "Smoke on the Water"
guitar riff plays )
22
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,220
All he does is sit
in his room
23
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,187
and play that damn thing.
24
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,455
He's isolating, Alan.
25
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,357
That doesn't mean
he needs a therapist.
26
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,192
He's just a normal
11-year-old kid
27
00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,593
who happens to be
a little grumpy.
28
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,529
And I'm a normal
35-year-old mother
29
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,897
who happens to be
running out of patience.
30
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,466
And by patience
I mean Prozac.
31
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:06,767
Wait a minute.
32
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,069
You can't still
be 35 because...
33
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,575
Hey, he's getting
pretty good at that.
34
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,345
Yeah, well,
get used to it.
35
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:23,451
( playing continues )
36
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:30,558
( playing continues )
37
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:37,431
( kissing in sync
with guitar riffs )
38
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:42,203
Charlie...
39
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,305
what are you
doing?
40
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,241
"Smoke on the Water."
41
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:53,214
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men... *
42
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:56,484
* Ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh... *
43
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,620
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
44
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:02,190
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh *
45
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:05,226
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
46
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:08,462
* Men, men, men,
men, manly men, men, men *
47
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,431
* Men. *
48
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,840
( "Smoke on the Water"
guitar riff continues )
49
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,279
Okay...
50
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,215
it's not cute anymore.
51
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,784
Make him stop.
52
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,587
You're the one who bought him
the guitar, Charlie.
53
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,957
The bed is vibrating
so much up there
54
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,959
I'm no longer necessary.
55
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,495
Well, I'm sorry
my son's interrupting
56
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,297
your afternoon
debauchery,
57
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,933
but I think he's upset
about something.
58
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:46,800
What's
he upset about?
59
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:47,935
I don't know.
60
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,437
I was just giving him
a little space
61
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,571
before I talked to him.
62
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,440
You want me
to talk to him?
63
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,577
Sure, and I'll finish
for you upstairs.
64
00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,947
This is a father's job.
65
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:07,087
Tell him I just need,
like, 20 minutes.
66
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:10,724
( playing continues )
67
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,372
Can I come in?
68
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:32,946
Hey, it really sounds like
you've got your mojo working.
69
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:41,054
But-But let's, let's try
to turn it down now, okay?
70
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,990
What'd you do that for?
71
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,458
Uh, because I love you
72
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,860
and I don't want that to change.
73
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:53,701
So, um, how was
your week?
74
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,703
Okay.
75
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,671
Anything, uh,
I need to know?
76
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,106
Anything
bothering you?
77
00:03:59,172 --> 00:03:59,807
No.
78
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,409
You sure?
79
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,277
'Cause it seems like
something's bothering you.
80
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,645
Okay, you want to know
what's bothering me?
81
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:05,879
Yeah, yeah.
82
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:10,017
People keep on asking me
what's bothering me.
83
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,253
Okay, I won't ask.
84
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:14,855
Good.
85
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,058
You know, when I
was your age...
86
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,360
Aw, man.
87
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,095
Okay, forget that.
88
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,631
Um, problems
at school?
89
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,932
No.
90
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:25,599
Problems with Mom?
91
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,767
No.
92
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,869
Because I understand
that there's some things
93
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,871
a guy doesn't want to
talk with his mom about.
94
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,039
Like what?
95
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,808
Well, you know, uh,
girl problems, or, uh,
96
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,478
somebody's picking on you,
or, uh,
97
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,347
you're the only guy
in gym class
98
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,382
without hair
on his testicles.
99
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,061
She sobered up
on you, huh?
100
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,101
No, I'm just being
a good host...
101
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,536
Yeah, a little bit.
102
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:04,805
Man.
103
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,807
You figure out what
his problem is?
104
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:10,043
No, but we determined mine
was late onset puberty.
105
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,615
You were a Mexican
Hairless, weren't you?
106
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,053
Did you check to see
if he's constipated?
107
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,556
Berta, his mother and I
are going through a divorce
108
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:24,858
and there's a lot of emotions
he hasn't processed.
109
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,394
Maybe so,
but there's also a lot
110
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,429
of string cheese
he hasn't processed.
111
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,233
You know, Judith
thinks he needs
112
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,602
to see a therapist.
113
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,770
Why, 'cause it's working
so good for her?
114
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,507
Hey, Charlie,
that's uncalled for.
115
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,943
Come on, the kid's
problem is he's 11.
116
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,778
He can't drive,
he can't drink,
117
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,448
and his mother picks
out all his clothes.
118
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,216
Be thankful he's
not in the garage
119
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,984
biting the heads
off of chickens.
120
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,753
But this isn't like him.
121
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,622
Trust your first
instinct.
122
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,290
Just give him
a little space
123
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,360
and probably by this
time tomorrow...
124
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:03,931
( guitar riff plays )
125
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:06,667
...I will have killed him.
126
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:20,881
( playing continues )
127
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,252
Not bad.
128
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:26,820
But why don't you try fretting
129
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,489
the E and
the A string together?
130
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,691
I like my way.
131
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,992
Cool.
132
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,599
Hey, what did you do that for?
133
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,168
Look, I'm really happy
you've taken up an instrument,
134
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,637
and I'll be even happier
when you learn an actual song.
135
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:49,009
But right now, let's just take
a little pause for the cause.
136
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,411
What do you want?
137
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:52,913
Nothing,
I just thought
138
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:53,981
we could hang out.
139
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,654
Couple of musicians
taking five.
140
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,959
Just chillin'.
141
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,095
Nothing's bothering me.
142
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,429
That's cool.
143
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,965
I'm not trying to
harsh your mellow.
144
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,203
It's just, I know
that there are
certain things
145
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,506
a guy doesn't want
to talk to his
parents about.
146
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,507
Like what?
147
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,541
Oh, I don't know.
148
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,110
Peer pressure.
Bullies.
149
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:26,413
Skipping class
to drive to Tijuana
150
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,816
with the school nurse.
151
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,021
I'm telling you,
152
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,825
my youngest once ate
a whole can of Play-Doh.
153
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,594
Stopped her up for two weeks.
154
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,329
Berta, please.
155
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,097
Finally pooped out an ashtray.
156
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,766
Berta.
157
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,235
That's the day I quit smoking.
158
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,942
Any luck?
159
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:58,546
The little snothead
kicked me out of his room.
160
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,848
Welcome to the club.
161
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,716
Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle.
162
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,718
Oh, and I'm the uncool dad?
163
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:05,886
Don't get defensive.
164
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,354
You did the best you could.
165
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,490
Hey, hey, that kid has
nothing to complain about.
166
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,759
He's never been spanked,
167
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,226
he's never
even been yelled at,
168
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,062
and even while my marriage
was collapsing
169
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,097
he always came first.
170
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,799
Well, I'm glad
you're not defensive.
171
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,868
He has a great life.
172
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:21,735
He gets everything he wants.
173
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,537
I deny him nothing.
174
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,807
Oh, my God, what have
I done to my son?
175
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,275
Alan, I was kidding.
176
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,677
You're a terrific father.
177
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:30,377
You think so?
178
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,478
Yes, I do.
179
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,746
You know what? You're right.
180
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,114
I'm always too quick
to blame myself.
181
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,148
Yes, you are.
182
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:35,983
It's his mother's fault.
183
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,050
That-a-boy.
184
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:41,822
Would you like me
185
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,523
to make you
a snack, Jake?
186
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,158
I'm not hungry.
187
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,460
You sure? We've got some
pizza left from dinner.
188
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,495
Alan, ease up.
189
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:49,830
He said he's
not hungry.
190
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,899
You'll eat when
you want to, right?
191
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:55,068
Would you please not talk?
I'm trying to watch.
192
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,107
Shh.
193
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,009
This show is stupid.
194
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,711
You're right.
195
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,013
Here, you pick something.
196
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,315
Thanks.
197
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,118
Cool uncle.
198
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,089
Stupid. Stupid.
199
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:20,360
Boring. Stupid.
200
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,462
Seen it.
201
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:27,134
Stupid.
Stupid.
202
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,069
Stupid.
203
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,639
Really stupid.
204
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,641
Stupid.
205
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:36,376
Dumb. Stupid.
206
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:39,747
All right.
207
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,618
Pick a stupid show
and live with it.
208
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,954
Forget it.
I'll just go to my room.
209
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:47,821
Jake, wait.
210
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,490
Nice going, cool uncle.
211
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,692
Oh, now it's
my fault?
212
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:52,960
Let me tell
you something.
213
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,295
Between you and your
wacko wife
214
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,365
I'm an oasis of
normality around here.
215
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,901
Charlie?
216
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,604
Are you ever going
to come back upstairs?
217
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,778
I'm still an oasis.
218
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,949
( plays guitar riff )
219
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,324
Morning.
220
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,392
Morning.
221
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,493
Did your guest leave?
222
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,061
No, she's sleeping in.
223
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,198
Please do not
let me forget again.
224
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:34,334
Perhaps you should put
a Post-It note on your penis.
225
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,139
But then I'd have to take down
the sign for the yard sale.
226
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,377
Hey, buddy, I made
silver dollar pancakes.
227
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,346
I'm not hungry.
228
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,514
They're your favorite.
229
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:48,849
I said no.
230
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,183
You know what
I was thinking?
231
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,119
Maybe later we could
have a jam session.
232
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,954
You on guitar,
me on piano.
233
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,189
I'd rather watch cartoons.
234
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,758
Hey,
235
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,459
what is your problem?
236
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,928
Charlie,
calm down.
237
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,930
No, I'm sorry,
but when I was his age
238
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,932
I had to walk five blocks
in the rain
239
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,133
to have a jam session.
240
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,068
Well, yelling at him
isn't going to help.
241
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,003
I was thinking that
maybe the three of us
242
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,739
could go out and do
something fun today.
243
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,006
You want fun?
244
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,108
Let's take him
to the Rose Bowl swap meet
245
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,744
and see what we
can get for him.
246
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,311
( knocking )
247
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,147
Or we could be patient,
248
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,015
and maybe
he'll eventually tell us
249
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,751
what's bothering him.
250
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,086
Where's my grandson?
251
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,823
Or we could scare
it out of him.
252
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,525
Granted, I don't know
what it's like
253
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,261
to be an 11-year-old boy,
254
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,197
but I do know one thing,
sweetheart.
255
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:41,434
You have no idea
what real unhappiness is.
256
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:47,207
Real unhappiness
is being totally ignored
257
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,277
by the very people
you gave birth to.
258
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,014
Real unhappiness
259
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,817
is when you're recovering
from liposuction
260
00:11:56,884 --> 00:12:00,153
and your only grandson
261
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,023
doesn't even send you
a get-well card.
262
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,192
And FYI,
I only had that surgery
263
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,694
so you wouldn't have
a grandmommy
264
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,763
with matronly upper arms.
265
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,734
Well, if he didn't
need a shrink before,
266
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,436
he needs one now.
267
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:23,811
I'm telling you,
you're spoiling the kid.
268
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,147
I didn't have a shrink
when I was Jake's age,
269
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,316
and my childhood
was twice as screwed up as his.
270
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:33,753
I mean, you're a
little cuckoo, Judith...
271
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,123
but compared to our mother,
272
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,891
you're like a fart
in a hurricane.
273
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:47,100
Mom never took you
to see Dr. Demerest?
274
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,172
You got to see a shrink?
275
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,207
Oh, just a couple of times.
276
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:58,645
For the, uh, night terrors,
agoraphobia and bed-wetting.
277
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,347
Did it work?
278
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,049
Hey, I can pee outside
in the dark.
279
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,783
You be the judge.
280
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,620
You know, Charlie,
if you think I'm cuckoo
281
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,091
simply because I want to help
my child express his feelings,
282
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,927
well, then I think
you have a big problem.
283
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,167
( whistling like a cuckoo )
284
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,106
So, Jake...
285
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:29,476
how you liking
that beanbag chair, huh?
286
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:30,643
Are you comfy?
287
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,045
It's okay.
288
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,581
'Cause we could sit
on the little chairs.
289
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,518
You know, sometimes I like
to sit in a little chairs.
290
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,921
It makes me feel like a giant.
291
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,792
( imitating giant ):
Hello, Jake.
292
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:50,597
Well, I can barely see you
from up here.
293
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,267
( chortling )
294
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:59,606
Do you sometimes feel like
a small, insignificant person
295
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,009
in a world full of giants?
296
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,144
Not really.
297
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:07,480
Well, maybe it's just me.
298
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,049
So, anyhow,
I was hoping
299
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,351
we could talk
for a little bit,
300
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:12,485
draw some pictures,
301
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,521
maybe play some games.
302
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,325
Do you like puppets?
303
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,193
Not really.
304
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:28,001
Neither do I.
305
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:36,376
But sometimes they help
when I'm in a bad "mooood."
306
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:42,049
I hope she gets him
to talk about the divorce.
307
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,350
It's a traumatic thing
308
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,185
to see his father
kicked out of his house.
309
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,087
It wasn't exactly healthy
for him
310
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,856
to see the life
being sucked out of his mother.
311
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,992
Excuse me,
but that was going on for years,
312
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,061
and he was still
a happy little boy.
313
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:59,432
"He stuck in his thumb
and pulled out a..." blank.
314
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,071
Plum, right?
315
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,973
You know, Charlie,
it'd be nice
316
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,941
if you took
a little responsibility
317
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:09,109
for Jake's problems.
318
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,610
She's right, Charlie.
319
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,744
Me? What did I do?
320
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:13,113
You taught him
how to gamble.
321
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,115
You brought strange women
into the house.
322
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,950
You taught him
how to curse in Italian.
323
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,418
Your drinking
sets a bad example.
324
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:21,121
Hey, hey, let's get
one thing straight.
325
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,556
I taught him
how to curse in Spanish.
326
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:28,495
Okay, well, Jake and I
had a wonderful talk,
327
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:32,399
and now I'd like to speak
with the grown-ups.
328
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,070
Aren't you coming in, Charlie?
329
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,739
No, I'm still trying
to find the toothbrush
330
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:40,974
in the tree here.
331
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,943
Oh, is this Uncle Charlie?
332
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,345
Well,
I definitely want
333
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,580
to talk with Uncle Charlie.
334
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,951
( sotto voce ):
Thanks a lot!
335
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:58,992
Well, please,
make yourselves comfortable.
336
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:16,176
Okay. Well, Jake and I had
337
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,577
a very nice little talk.
338
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,113
I invited him
to share his feelings with me
339
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,249
in a confidential,
non-threatening context,
340
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:26,086
and after hearing
everything he had to say,
341
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:29,189
I must tell you very frankly...
342
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:31,924
Ah, who am I kidding?
343
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,326
I got nothin'.
344
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,137
That's it? $150 an hour
for "I got nothin'"?
345
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,806
It's $175, but that's
not really the point,
346
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,108
now, is it?
347
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,177
What did he tell you?
348
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,145
Well, he claims
nothing's bothering him,
349
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,646
he claims there's nothing wrong,
350
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,216
but when I probed
just a little bit,
351
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,351
he told me
to "besa mi culo."
352
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:09,062
See? Spanish.
353
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,331
I hope you're proud of yourself,
Charlie.
354
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,466
Hey, he's not
a sulky little jerkwad
355
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,902
'cause he learned
a second language.
356
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,870
See what my son's
been living with?
357
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,106
Only because
she threw me out.
358
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,707
What? I have
a right to be happy.
359
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,710
Speaking of which, did I
leave that girl at the house?
360
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,145
Oh, shut up, Charlie.
361
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,479
Don't tell me to shut up.
362
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,381
I don't even know
what he's doing here.
363
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,982
I'm trying to keep your kid
364
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,051
from turning into a neurotic
basket case like my brother.
365
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,120
Maybe then he
won't marry
366
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,421
the first
woman he meets
367
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,189
who's more screwed up
than he is.
368
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,958
You were a lousy
brother who left me
to fend for myself...
369
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,327
Hold on, people.
370
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:49,436
Even cows know words can hurt.
371
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,145
Jake, you know
that even though
372
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,712
your mother and I
bicker sometimes,
373
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,081
we will always love
you no matter what.
374
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:03,216
I know.
375
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,051
And honey,
you also need to know
376
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,219
that our splitting up
377
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,620
had absolutely nothing
to do with you.
378
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:08,788
I know.
379
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,824
It's just that Mommy
has a right to be happy.
380
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:13,126
Yeah, yeah, he knows.
381
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,728
And, uh, whatever's
bothering you,
382
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:19,432
you know I had nothing
to do with it, right?
383
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,800
Yeah.
384
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,236
See?
385
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:25,104
Can I go to bed now?
386
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,140
Now? Jake,
it's only 7:00.
387
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,575
I'm tired.
388
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:29,609
All right, honey.
389
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,411
I'll come tuck you in
before I leave.
390
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,047
Okay, that's a bad sign.
391
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,949
Yeah, it's a symptom
of clinical depression.
392
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,286
You would know.
393
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,055
Please. If my kids
had gone to bed at 7:00,
394
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:47,160
I'd have dipped myself in gravy
and danced naked on the rooftop.
395
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,332
She does make a hell of a gravy.
396
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,807
( playing bluesy, jazzy riff )
397
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,176
Morning, Uncle Charlie.
398
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,744
Morning.
399
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,746
( playing stops )
400
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,882
Morning, Dad,
morning, Berta.
401
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,218
Morning.
Morning?
402
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,985
So, Dad, what are
we going to do today?
403
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,154
I, uh, I don't know.
404
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,656
Uh, what would you like to do?
405
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:17,724
I don't know.
406
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,091
Something fun.
407
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,660
Maybe we could jam,
Uncle Charlie.
408
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:23,230
Great.
409
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,365
Hey, Dad, can I eat my cereal
down by the TV?
410
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:29,536
Sure.
Thanks.
411
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:32,171
What happened to him?
412
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,173
If I didn't know better,
413
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,876
I'd swear
he got laid last night.
414
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,181
Well, I hope you don't mind
but I talked to him
415
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,883
before he went to sleep
last night.
416
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,184
What did you say?
417
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:49,188
I said, uh, "Drink this bottle
of prune juice."
418
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,994
You feed him nothing
but pizza and pancakes.
419
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:58,365
It's a wonder his eyeballs
are still in their sockets.
420
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,877
( playing
"Smoke on the Water" riff )
421
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:27,394
( adds bluesy, jazzy riff )
422
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,167
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
423
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,304
Oh, man, not again.
424
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,378
Jake Harper... unplugged.
29155
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