Original subtitles

What are you guys doing?

I thought you were taking Hope to the park.

It's too hot.

I can't believe you guys are so lazy.

We're not lazy; we just...

I don't have the energy to argue with you.

She's having fun. We did this kind of stuff

with you, and you loved it.

It's smart parenting.

Like, why would you drag a tent out to the forest

when you can build one with blankets

in your own living room?

Can I come out now?

Not yet, buddy.

Daddy's still fighting the bear.

And why spend all day

standing in lines at the museum when we've got

plenty of old stuff right here in the house?

And this is what ladies

used to wear in the '40s and '50s.

They had no sense of style like we do today.

Or when you wanted to take karate,

but it would've been a hassle to drive

two towns over to where they held the classes.

Okay, grasshopper.

Time for your kung fu lesson.

Whatever that guy in the black pajamas does,

you do the same, all right?

You want to fight, fight me.

You want to fight?

Fight me.

Look, if you want to call that "smart parenting"

to make yourselves feel better, that's fine,

but Hope is not going to grow up that way.

I am taking her to a park

so she can have an actual outdoor experience in nature.

Hot out there, huh?

And muggy.

I wasn't expecting the muggy.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Are you sure you can do this?

Piece of cake. Don't move.

Don't hit my face. Don't move.

Don't hit my face.

I don't know what you guys are doing,

but Hope wants to go on the swing.

Oh, hold on.

I'm dying to know if I can do this.

Don't hit my face.

All right.

Coming at you.

It's okay, sweetie.

Burt, go grab a dustpan, would you?

Just a picture of your dad when he was a baby.

I'm sure we can find another one around here somewhere.

Here, have a seat.

I really was cute as a baby.

Oh, look at you.

So cute and happy and thinking

life's going to turn out great.

Good for you.

Hey, it's... it's folded.

There's more picture.

Who are these people? I have no idea.

Uh, that picture came with the frame.

But how did I get in the picture that comes with the frame?

Okay, we were never going to tell you this,

but, uh, when you were little,

I took you to a baby modeling tryout

and you got the job to be in that picture.

But then I saw a special on TV

about Danny Bonaduce, and it scared me,

so I never took you back.

But you love Danny Bonaduce.

The actor, not the person.

Don't turn around or say anything.

Dad, who are the people in this picture?

That is me and your mother.

Really?

We were never going to tell you this,

but, uh, your mom and I used to be spies.

That's what we used to look like

before we retired and the government

gave us new faces.

That, uh, older boy is a robot-- ran on "C" batteries.

He's not buying it, Burt.

Ah, damn.

I told you we should have thrown that picture away.

But Jimmy looked so adorable,

and we couldn't afford a little sailor suit.

So, who are these people?

Besides, you were supposed to cut the other people

out of the picture, not fold them behind.

Cutting a picture is bad luck. Says who?

I don't know. People. Isn't that a thing?

Why am I in this picture?

No, that's not a thing.

You know what's bad luck?

Folding a picture

instead of cutting it, and then 25 years later,

having to explain to your son that he's adopted.

What?

You have a good point.

I guess folding is worse.

Live and learn.

I'm adopted? Before you get mad,

just give us a chance to explain.

You're not that kind of adopted.

We are your biodegradable parents.

Well, but then who are these people?

They're Bill and Denise Jenkins,

and they adopted you from us.

When you were born, we weren't really prepared

for the impact it was going to have on our leisure time.

It was a nightmare.

You were a nightmare child.

You know that movie The Exorcist?

You cried the whole way through it.

That's the thing about babies, Jimmy.

They don't come with an instruction manual.

Someone really should write a book

about how to care for a baby.

So we did what we thought

was the responsible thing to do

and had an adoption agency find you a better home.

But after a few weeks, we kind of missed having you around.

Plus, with you gone, we lost our little excuse

for not doing our homework.

So we got you back.

Are you maybe a little mad that we kind of...

sort of tried to pretend you never happened?

No, I'm not.

I mean, I get it.

I had the same thought when I first had Hope.

I was just a little bit older,

and I was lucky 'cause I had you guys to help me.

I just can't stop wondering

what it would have been like to not be an only child.

I always wanted a brother.

So I invented one: Johnny.

Want to do some math problems while we wait?

Okay.

Three plus four. Nine.

Right. Six plus eight.

200. Correct.

You're a genius, Jimmy.

Thanks, Johnny.

And all this time, I did have a big brother.

Almost.

I was Chad, and he was Brad.

Brad.

I'm going to go under my bed and tell Johnny about this.

He took that really well.

Should we tell him some of the bigger stuff?

You mean like when I realized I'd never have a daughter,

so I dressed him like a girl for a month?

I miss Jamie.

Or when he ate a whole pack of your cigarettes

and his heart stopped for a while?

Nah, let's not tell him.

There's usually a couple good laughs when he

figures these things out on his own.

Brad? Brad?

Hey, Jimmy.

Oh, you can stop doing that.

I found your almost-brother on the Internet.

Seriously? Mm-hmm.

That's him?

I've seen his picture on bus benches.

Oh, my God.

My almost-brother is famous.

If you're looking for a house

in Natesville, Natesville-adjacent

or just outside Natesville, then come see me.

I'm Brad Jenkins, Real Estate Agent with the Hat.

Not...

the Real Estate Agent with the Bat.

Not the Real Estate Agent with the Rat.

And certainly not

the Real Estate Agent with the Flat.

No, I'm Brad Jenkins,

Real Estate Agent with the Hat.

And I'm going to find you your dream house

because the only difference between realty

and reality is the "I."

So, if you can find a better deal on a home,

I will eat my hat.

That's him?

I've seen his ad at the bus stop.

He looks a lot better

without the blacked-out teeth and the devil horns.

I made an appointment with him for tomorrow.

We're going to pretend that we're selling

Sabrina's grandmother's house. Why?

He was my brother for over three weeks. I want to meet him.

So just tell him who you are

and meet up for a beer one night.

Are you kidding?

He's the Real Estate Agent with the Hat.

I bet someone's coming up to him claiming

to be his long-lost brother like once a week.

I just want to hang out with him,

see what he's like.

The Real Estate Agent with the Hat.

Who would have guessed?

That's what I need: a gimmick.

Burt Chance, Landscaper with...

Two... Watches.

"I'll work double-time for you."

I like it. Which one of these buttons do you push

to get one of those Web sites?

Try one of those on the top with the little "F"s on them.

They seem like they do the tricky stuff.

I was thinking, just for fun,

we should spice up our cover story about who we are.

Like, instead of being a surgical laser salesman,

you could be a NASCAR driver and I could be a Southern belle.

Uh, you know, I haven't... I haven't, uh,

traveled that much, so I don't know

if your accents are any good, and I really

want to make a great first impression.

So, just showing off the fact that you eat

your own eyebrows when you're nervous

is going to make a perfect icebreaker.

Oh, my God, it's really him.

And he's wearing a hat.

You must be Jimmy.

Yes, I am.

And, uh, this is my fiancée...

Bridget. Pleasure to meet you, love.

Hey, give us a holler if you fancy a cup of tea

or a crumpet or perhaps a heap

of fish and chips wrapped in

last Saturday's Evening Post, eh?

Well, okay.

Dynamite house.

Man, if this place had a hat on its roof,

it would sell itself.

I'm just going to take a look around

and let you know what we can...

cap our listing at.

Man, you really work "hat" into everything.

It's what I do.

Hey, what say me, you and your fedorable fiancée

take my chapeau on a tour of your château?

Ha!

"Chapeau" means hat, right?

Yeah.

I love him.

You think, if we left Jimmy

with that other family, he would have been better off?

Maybe he would have his picture on that bench?

Nah, Jimmy looks horrible in hats.

That's true.

But there are lots of good jobs where you don't need a hat.

Can't think of any right now.

Fireman, cowboy, football player.

I'm telling you, all the good jobs have hats.

I just hope it's not our fault

that Jimmy turned out to be so...

Jimmy.

Let's not think about this too hard.

It's a beautiful day.

I don't like where this is going.

Okay, honey.

Water park's closed for the day.

How about we take her down to the pet store,

tell her it's a zoo?

The Chinese restaurant has a lobster tank.

It's only half a block away.

Aquarium it is.

I can't believe how much space you got in here.

Yeah, it's big enough in here to... go long.

Our plan to get Brad in the houseworked perfectly.

Now I needed to squeeze a lifetime

of brotherly memories into two hours.

I'm playing catch with my almost-brother.

I think the house might show better

with the couch over there.

Wow. How much do you bench?

I don't know, about 225, 230.

Might help if you grab the other side.

Of the couch.

Ten feet, four inches.

Tally-ho, wankers!

Found this lift in the garage.

We're good!

Yeah, I guess if it came down to it,

I could beat up every other real estate agent in town.

Probably helps that most of them are middle-aged women.

You're awesome.

This house is awesome!

When this thing sells,

you got to come over to my neighborhood

in Pleasant Valley Estates.

There is a beautiful Tudor Revival for sale on my block.

We could be block brothers.

Well, that sounds quite posh!

Might be a little bit out of our price range, yeah?

It's not that pricey.

Course, you'd have to join the Pleasant Valley Country Club.

There's a, uh, open house this weekend.

My parents are on the new member committee.

Mom and Dad?

I mean, your mom and dad.

That would be great.

I would love to meet them.

Listen, I'll just take a couple

of more pictures here for the Web site,

and I'll be out of your hair.

What are you doing?

Didn't you see what happened here?

I mean, we played catch, he gave me a shoulder ride,

he told me four times that he didn't want to wrestle.

I mean, I finally have a big brother.

And I'm gonna meet my almost-parents.

Okay, but what are you gonna do when he finds out

that you're not a wealthy surgical laser salesman

who is selling a house?

In a few weeks, I'll tell him

we're keeping the house because I got fired,

which he'll believe because I couldn't answer

any of his questions about surgery or lasers.

He's amazing.

He is amazing.

Who?

Oh, my almost-brother.

And I hope you're not mad,

but he invited me to Pleasant Valley Country Club

to meet with my almost-parents.

Pleasant Valley Country Club?

That place is crazy expensive.

Now it all makes sense.

Of course the Real Estate Agent with the Hat

turned out better than Jimmy.

His parents were rich!

What do you mean? Your mom was starting to think

that you're being a failure was our fault.

Oh, my God, you're right.

I could've been as successful as him.

And it's all your fault.

Why didn't I realize that earlier?

Oh, that's probably your fault, too.

No, no.

It has nothing to do with parenting.

They had money.

Okay, but the Jenkins aren't rich.

I mean, he's got a little

plumbing business and she's a school lunch lady.

That's impossible, Jimmy.

Everyone who goes to that country club is rich.

I bet they all own swans.

No, Brad got them their membership.

And he's the one who's rich because his parents gave him

confidence, education and self-esteem!

Well, we don't have any of those things, Jimmy,

so how are we supposed to give them to you?

Excuse me, señor. Coat check?

Oh. Um...

Good to go.

Hey, Jimbo!

Hey!

Where's the fiancée? Oh, uh, sick.

Just terrible sore throat.

The doctor says she might even lose her accent.

That's crazy.

I know.

The body-- she's a mystery, huh?

Yeah.

Well, how about we get you an application, huh?

Uh, we might have to hold off.

There have been some cutbacks at the laser surgery factory.

I mean, who knows, a month from now, I could be

bagging groceries for a living.

We'd still be friends, right?

Playing hard to get, huh?

Well, there's a reason why "Sheila with the Scarf"

isn't the number one home broker in Natesville anymore.

Because I never give up on a sale.

Hey, come on, I want you to meet my parents.

Mom and Dad, I want you to meet my new friend, Jimmy.

Well, hello, Jimmy.

We've heard a lot about you.

And these are the Bergers.

They're thinking of joining, too.

Hello, my good man. Ronald Berger.

I own a rock and roll

equipment manufacturing company.

This is my wife, Wendy.

She's a nurse.

And a lawyer.

And I'm also a private detective.

Okay, well, you guys get to know each other.

We'll go put your applications in the office.

Brad, why don't you go get us a table.

On it, Mommy.

What are you guys doing here?

We had to see these Jenkins for ourselves.

There is no way they raised a kid like Brad without having

some kind of advantages we didn't.

Did you ever think that maybe they just weren't lazy?

Oh, please.

All parents are lazy.

Kids are exhausting.

They're God's punishment for having sex.

They're cheating somehow. We're gonna find out how.

You're gonna blow this for me. I am bonding with

my almost-parents. You ripped me

out of their lives once,

just don't do it again.

Oh, stop doing that.

It's so gross!

It's a nervous habit! I probably picked it up

'cause of something you guys did.

No way. You had that creepy habit

since before you were born.

I got ultrasound pictures of you nibbling on my kidney.

Okay, guys, table's ready.

Okay, Sabrina warned me about a couple things.

Sometimes the water has bubbles.

And there are way more forks than you will ever need.

I met Ronald while I was nursing him

after an accident at the rock and roll manufacturing plant.

We sued the factory, and now he owns it.

And I'm a private detective.

Anyway, that's our boring story.

So, Denise, Bill, you are not wealthy.

What advantages did you have in raising your child?

Excuse me?

I'm sure the gentleman is just wondering

how you managed to raise such a successful son.

I'm guessing that

it was just doing the normal things,

like camping outdoors, actual karate lessons,

going to the park even if it's hot.

Well, yeah. Of course.

But he's a huge, successful

real estate mongrel.

You don't get that from karate lessons.

Jackie Chan couldn't sell me a house.

I can't understand a word he says.

Actually, I developed a love for real estate when my mom took me

to a Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit at the museum.

You took him to real museums?

Good for you.

But weren't there really long lines at the museum?

We've heard museums usually have really long lines.

Well, sometimes.

But I always carried little games and puzzles

in my purse just in case.

Games and puzzles in your purse.

I guess you can do that if it's not stuffed

with cigarettes and licorice.

I shared the licorice with you,

but you cried and said it tasted like cigarettes.

Do you... know each other?

No.

I'm sorry, um, what did you--

Did you say something about...

licorice?

Chad?

Did he just eat his eyebrow?

Oh.

Chad?

Is it you?

It is. It's me.

Thank heavens.

Our Chad's come back!

I'm just so relieved that you turned out to be

a successful businessman

who's going to join our country club.

Me, too.

I did not think those two idiot teenagers

had what it took to raise a successful kid.

They didn't.

They did a horrible job.

I barely got my GED, I knocked up a serial killer,

and now I'm a single dad working as a bagger at a grocery store.

Plus, I still say "pasghetti,"

and I don't know why or how to fix it.

It's true.

We're the worst parents ever.

I knew this day would come.

We've run out of excuses.

No kidding.

When we get home, there's some

"World's Greatest" mugs I'm gonna need to get rid of.

Wait, you're the idiot teenagers?

Sorry, Jimmy.

We feel horrible.

You are who you are because of us.

If we hadn't been so selfish and stolen you back,

you might have ended up like Brad.

I hope this doesn't affect our chances for membership.

I've never tasted meat like this.

I can't believe you people.

You are the worst, laziest parents ever.

And you're no better-- with an illegitimate child

from a serial killer?

And all of you lie about your identities.

You're as bad as the Mexicans!

Excuse me.

I happen to work with quite a few Mexicans.

Oh, there's a shocker.

Judging by your grammar,

I'm guessing you're chummy

with the blacks, as well.

Oh!

I can't believe I let you sit on my shoulders.

Oh, my God.

If you hadn't taken me back,

I would've ended up just like them.

Thank you.

Let's go home.

You know, before we go,

I have been dying to try Bill's fancy macaroni.

Excuse me, sir.

I cannot let you eat

Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.

Why not?

Because I am Alfredo.

I'm not gonna lie, we were pretty lucky

those folks turned out to be massive racists.

Because it made me realize that even though

my parents were kind of lazy, I was better off

having been raised by good people.

It also made us realize that we had to work on

not being so lazy with Hope.

Like going camping outdoors, so we could roast marshmallows

over a campfire instead of

pressing them up against the radiator.

Even if we only made it to the backyard, it was a start.

Or finding a clever way to survive

a 15-minute wait at an actual museum.

Or going to an actual park,

no matter how hot it was outside.

Wow, she is really into that rock.

Maybe she's gonna be a geologist.

Ooh. Or an extreme eater.

That's a thing, right?

I've heard people say it.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com