All language subtitles for Raising Hope S03E02 Throw Maw Maw from the House (Part 1)

Shh.

Don't wake her up.

I'm trying to screw as quietly as I can,

but I'm having trouble
getting it in the hole.

Did you hear what I said?

I said I'm trying to get...

Yeah, I heard what you said.

Shut up and screw faster,
so we can get this

over with and go to sleep.

: Did you hear
what you just said?

: I did.
I said it on purpose.

Recently Burt and
I invested in a dead bolt.

Due to the fact Maw Maw has been doing

quite a bit of wandering in
the middle of the night.

♪ Hey, Mambo! Mambo Italiano! ♪

♪ Hey, Mambo! ♪

Maw Maw, get down from there.

You're gonna break your neck!

♪ Go, go, go, you
mixed-up Sicialiano ♪

♪ All you calabraise do the
mambo like a crazy with a... ♪

During the day we can keep an eye on her,

but at night, we have no idea of
knowing if she gets loose.

♪ Mambo Italiano! ♪

♪ Try an enchilada with a fish Baccala ♪

♪ I love-a how
you dance a rhumbah ♪

♪ But take some advise, paisano,
learn how to mambo ♪

♪ If you gonna be a square,
you ain't-a gonna go nowhere ♪

She put makeup on me again while
I was sleeping, didn't she?

♪ Go, go, Joe,
shake it like-a Giovanno ♪

Where do you think she got it?

Who knows?

Come on, Maw Maw.

♪ Italiano! ♪

♪ That's nice-a ♪

♪ Boom! ♪

There you go.

Now, we should be able to sleep in peace.

You didn't check to make
sure she was in there?

Hey.

Damn it, Maw Maw!

♪ Hey Mambo! ♪

Maw Maw, no!

Off!

♪ Hey, Mambo,
Mambo Italiano... ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Here we go, ♪

Nice shirt.

Is that Versace?

Gag-tee dot com.

They do good work, too.

Hey, sweetie?

Y-You're not gonna wear that
out tonight, are you?

Yeah, why not?

It's funny.

And I-I've worn it before.

You know what it means, right?

The hand's pointing down at his...

I-I do know
what it means, yeah.

Listen, it was fine when we were friends.

You know, but now that we're engaged,

it's just the things that you
do, they say something about me.

And though that shirt might say

that your penis is stupid,

it absolutely says my vagina is an idiot.

It's my favorite shirt.

It's the only one I've ever
taken to a dry cleaners.

So, I think I'm gonna wear it?

Okay, fine.

Nice.

Don't let her change who you are, man.

Chicks always try to do that.

I've been video chatting
with this girl online

and lately she's been like,

"Take off your weird baby mask,
I want to see your face."

I'm like, "Take off your
horse-head mask first."

She wanted me to change but
she wasn't willing to change.

Girls are crazy.

Another inch and a half.

Every year, like clockwork.

Dad, you're not growing
an inch and a half every year.

Doorjamb don't lie.

If that were true,

you'd be seven foot,
14 inches tall by now.

I think it might be time
to consider the possibility

that your house is sinking.

That's mine.

Come on, you both watched

three cartoons today about sharing.

Did you learn nothing?

Time to put on your jammies.

Maw Maw and Hope are a lot alike.

It's sweet.

I hope I have a baby
rival when I'm her age.

- Is that a neighbor?
- I don't recognize her.

Should we see what she wants?

I say no.

When is someone you don't know ringing

your doorbell ever a good thing?

What about that time that
overnight delivery guy

accidentally delivered the
neighbor's package here.

We might use that medicine some day.

What happened to that neighbor?

I haven't seen him.

Fine, but if it's bad, you're gonna be

the one to deal with it, not me.

I want to watch Wipeout.

They're doing farmers versus plumbers.

Hello.
Is this the Chance residence?

Why?

Because I'm looking
for the Chance residence.

Why?

I can only tell you that if this
is the Chance residence.

Yeah, it's the Chance residence.

Great.

My name is Joan Wrightsdale
and I'm from Social Services.

I'm here to investigate
a complaint that we had

about the welfare of a child
living in this residence.

You didn't let me finish.

It's the Chance residence...

over there.

Sorry I'm late, Chances.

Up until about an hour ago,
totally thought it was Sunday.

Okay, take care, Chances.

Nine times out of ten,
guy doesn't say a word.

So, a complaint
about the welfare of a child?

I can't even imagine what that would be.

You know what?

This is getting heavy.

I'll go get us some marshmallows.

You know, it's probably nothing.

We just have to follow up on these things.

Sure, of course.

But if it's just one random complaint,

how can you even trust it?

Tell me about it.

For example, I have

a cat... her name is Muffin.

My.

Thank you.

Anyway, I am a great cat owner.

But one time I was at the mall

and Muffin just jumped out of my
arms and she landed on her head.

And someone reported me to the SPCA,

and they said that I
dropped her, but I didn't.

She jumped.

Was she wearing that
outfit when she jumped?

'Cause you could probably make
an argument that she was trying

to commit suicide,
which isn't funny at all.

Can I see that picture?
It's adorable.

Hey... the government's
here to take the baby.

They think we're putting her in danger.

Hurry, toss her over here.

I'll hide her under the car.

What's going on?

Social Services got a complaint

and now they're here to check on Hope.

Complaint? Well, what was it?

I'm guessing it's when you
couldn't find a towel.

Turn around.

I'm sure that wasn't it.

If it's anything, it's that
stupid scooter-stroller

that Dad invented.

See you at the park, slowpoke!

You're crazy.
People love that thing.

They honk their horns and yell,
"Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy!"

I might just become a small town novelty

like Dancin' Dan or that guy
with the bunny ears who walks

around at night carrying
that giant purple cross.

What do they call him?

- Easter Joe.
- Easter Joe!

You don't think someone
complained about you, do you?

You said you got a lot of dirty looks

at the grocery store last week.

Once she stopped throwing a fit,
she was having a blast

and now she loves being pulled
around by shopping carts.

I had to stop her the other day

from hitching a ride with a homeless guy.

Look, guys, you do a really
good job with Hope.

I really don't think there's
anything to worry about.

Well, we can't be too careful.

So, just make everything look okay

until the social worker leaves.

Clean up this room.

Okay, but come on out when you
finish the book of Job.

The Bible will still be
here when you get back.

This may just be an old lady talking,

but your ugly kid looks
an awful lot like an ugly cat.

Okay, Maw Maw, let's go.

You know you're supposed
to be in your room.

Sorry about that.

My son must forgot to lock her door.

She's a little batty, but don't worry.

We never leave her alone with the child.

That's probably a good idea.

- Let me out!
- Settle down!

We have company.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be cool

if I was a
small-town celebrity?

People make fun
of Dancin' Dan and Easter Joe,

but I know for a fact that
Chubby's Burgers gives them

free food if they promise not
to urinate in the parking lot.

I can promise not to do that.

Wha-What is this?

That's trash, toss it.

Ho, ho, ho, nice try.

Come on, it's time
to get rid of this stuff.

I mean, even the social worker
would agree a three-year-old

should not have to be confused by

what are her toys
and what are her daddy's toys.

Well, fine.

You can get rid of a few toys,
but the shirt stays.

Fine, and while we're throwing stuff out,

I am done waking up
next to this every morning.

- Jennifer!
- Maggie!

Here I go.

We are out of marshmallows.

But I did find a piece of taffy.

I'm hypoglycemic.

I have an aunt who has cerebral palsy.

Okay, I'm not sure
what those two things have

to do with each other.

Just someone I know with a disease.

Didn't want you to feel like you
were all alone out there.

Here's our little angel.

That's a little girl.

Where is the little boy?

- Excuse me?
- The complaint is about

a little boy, five years old.

He was seen crowd-surfing
at a Smokey Floyd concert.

That wasn't Hope, that was Jimmy.

That happened 20 years ago.

This is embarrassing.

We're a little behind
because of budget cuts.

You know, last week,
I went to check on a child

who was being kept in a cage

and I found a teenager in a pen.

That better not be
the last piece of taffy.

Maw Maw, no.

Room, room.

Room, room, room.

I'll go nail the window shut.

I'm sorry about that.

But, like I said, we try to keep her away

from the baby as much as possible.

I see that.

We're gonna need to change gears here.

I'm beginning to be a little bit concerned

that you are abusing your grandmother.

Abusing her?

She abuses us.

She gave me a wet willy once

that almost punctured my eardrum.

Her spit has touched my brain.

I couldn't find any nails.

But I broke a bottle on the
ground under the window,

so that should deter her
from jumping out again.

Okay. I'm gonna need
to ask her some questions.

You just had to answer
the door, didn't you?

I could be knee-deep in watching
farmers and plumbers

getting nailed in the face
with big red balls.

Did you hear what you just said?

Not in the mood, Burt.

They shave me when I'm sleeping.

They made me live in
the greenhouse for a week.

They wanted to go through
my poo to look for gold.

She's making us sound crazy.

The lady needs to know

that we love Maw Maw unconventionally.

I think you meant "unconditionally,"

though "unconventionally" kinda works.

You actually stumbled

into saying something kinda clever there.

I did that once before.

Burt, when did I do that?

When your uncle died,

you said we had to go hear his
"last will and tentacle."

Then he actually left
his pet octopus to your cousin.

That's right. That was crazy.

Well, this is all very disturbing.

Look, before you go judging us,

you need to know...

What do I need to know what?

That among other things, she tells me

you threaten to hit her
with a stick in order

to get her to stop playing the piano?

Threaten, not hit.
Threaten to hit.

She says you force her to eat hot sauce.

No, no, no.

I put hot sauce on my arms when it looks

like she's in a biting mood.

If it ends up in her mouth,

that's the price she pays for being nippy.

You wrapped her in plastic
wrap to try to subdue her!

Let me get this straight.

If you wrap somebody in seaweed,

it's a spa treatment,

and you wrap somebody in
Saran wrap, and it's a crime.

Obama!

I have no other choice but to start

a formal investigation.

- What?
- Just fill these out,

Complete the required tasks,

I'll be back in one week
for a second inspection.

If there is not a major
improvement in her treatment,

we will be forced to put
her in a state-run home.

Wherever it says "child,"

could you just put "old person"?

Because I don't feel like going back

to the office for those other forms.

No, you can't do this.

You have no idea what it's like
to deal with her

on a daily basis!

She's crazier
than a face-eating hobo!

Hey! Can you keep it down?

Some of us are trying
to land a plane in there.

I know everyone is nervous,

but hopefully, everyone will be
on the ground

in Minneapolis within the hour.

Please come back and listen to this!

If we didn't
want them to take Maw Maw away,

we had our work cut out for us.

First, we needed to prove we
cared about her health.

This isn't a Tom Jones concert.
It's a doctor's office!

No, no, no, no, no!

That's deep!
That's really deep!

She got me deep!

Maw Maw, you need to see
the doctor for your check-up

or they're gonna take you away.

Good.
I want to go on a vacation.

I think she got a tendon.

My pinky's not working right.

Trust me, you do not want to go
where they are taking you.

Should I get the leash out of the trunk?

No, they said no leashes.

"Number 87: no restraints
of any kind.

"Do not strap the elderly person in bed.

"Do not... " and we assume
this goes without saying...

"put the elderly person
on a leash."

There's a lot of stuff in here.

You know, I heard that old folks homes are

actually really nice nowadays.

Burt, she took care of me my whole life.

I'm not gonna let them take her away.

I owe it to her.

We just got to get her to cooperate.

Maw Maw, if you don't go in
there, they're gonna...

put you in the outhouse

and shock your brains with electricity.

Fine. I'll see the doctor.

But I just know he's gonna
tell me I'm pregnant.

I'm 480 months late.

Once Maw Maw was on board,
things got a little easier.

But not completely easy.

First of all,
I didn't ask you to get naked.

Secondly, this is the waiting room.

Normally we have ways
of keeping her under control,

but the state's kinda got
our hands tied at the moment.

Luckily for us, we knew

a certified elder-care professional,

and she agreed to give us our eight hours

of mandatory old person training.

Topics to avoid:

Topics they enjoy:

Excuse me.
This might be my mother.

Hello?

: Hello...?

Hello?

: Hello?

Hello...?

According to the state,
we couldn't leave Maw Maw alone

during the day, so I had to
take her to work with me.

Maw Maw, Liberace's gay!

And since the lock wasn't allowed,
we had to figure out

a new way to keep track
of Maw Maw at night.

Somehow we needed to convince her
to eat something healthier

than pickles and taffy.

Come on, Maw Maw.

If you don't eat this, they're
gonna take you to a place

where they stick a tube down
your throat and feed you

with a bicycle pump.

It wasn't easy,

But we were doing the best we could.

I got her.

Hey, Easter Joe.

Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy.

He's...

What beautiful petunias, Maw Maw.

Thank you.

Joan! What?!

I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

No, the visitation is today.

That's why I called this morning.

Sorry, we just had such a busy

day of fun senior activities.

Come on in.

Do you like pie?

Maw Maw and I made a banana cream pie

with just a touch of laxatives,

so the trains run on time.

The fox is in the hen house.

Whose socks are on the pet mouse?

They're coming in.

Hey!

Where'd you get that shirt?

In the Dumpster behind the grocery store.

I like it because it says,
"I'm whimsical,"

but acknowledges that me and my penis

aren't always on the same page.

I can't believe you threw it away.

Dancin' Dan gets to wear
that shirt, but I don't?

I mean, how is that fair?

I don't know. Dancin' Dan will
not be sleeping with me tonight,

will you, Dancin' Dan?

I think your first statement
answered you subsequent question,

but if you insist on rubbing it in, no.

So, will we be spending
the evening together

or are you with stupid?

Enjoy the shirt, Dan.

So, in addition to the doctor visits,

we've stocked the fridge
with all kinds of fruits

and vegetables so Maw Maw can
have a balanced diet.

And you see we have all
kinds of healthy juices:

Cran-Apple, Cran-Grape,
Cran-Banana.

If a cranberry has had sex
with it, we've got it.

Very good.

I'm a big Cran fan myself.

There is no longer a lock on her door,

no glass outside her window,

and she's no longer shackled
to the radiator.

You didn't know about that, did you?

Never happened.

The point is, she's free to come and go

as she wishes, as you will see.

And lastly, because she likes
to just sit in her room

and read... that is,
when we aren't taking turns

giving her hugs... one of
the hardest things for us

to figure out was how
to get her to exercise more.

A motion detector on the light...

that's very clever.

Thanks!

Someone else invented the sensor.

We-We just installed it. Yeah.

It's a lot spookier when you go
out to the garage now,

but Maw Maw's worth it.

I've gotta hand it to you.

You've really turned things around.

Well, it wasn't easy, but
we just love her so much,

we can't imagine not
having her here with us.

Plus, I don't want you to shock my brain.

Excuse me?

Okay.

She didn't understand what we meant

when we said the state would
take her away, so...

To get her to cooperate,
we just kinda had to...

imblemish the truth a little.

- Really?
- They told me about you.

They said you were gonna
dip my feet in custard

and feed 'em to wild hogs.

We had to tell her that

so she would put her shoes back
on at Salad Plantation.

You're an evil woman.

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

I care a great deal
about you, Barbara June.

Then why do you want me
to run in a giant hamster wheel

to power your model train set?

No one is going to do anything bad to you.

These people have been lying.
So I'd like you

to go ahead and pack a bag.

And I'm gonna take you somewhere

where you're going to be much happier.

Goody! I'm going
on a trip! Whoo!

You can't do that!

We did what you told us to!

And in doing so,

you replaced physical abuse
with mental abuse.

Mental abuse?
Is that even a thing?

First of all, you're the only one

who ever said we were
physically abusing her,

and we're just doing what we need to do

to get her to do the things
on your stupid list!

You bureaucratic cat-dropper!

I wish I knew more about you

so I could come up with a better insult!

Actually, that one cut right to the bone!

I can't believe they took her.

Tune in next week for more skin...

more action...

and more PG-13 violence.

And tell your friends to watch, too.

A lot of people worked
really hard on this thing.

== sync, corrected by Martzy ==
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