Original subtitles

Whoo!

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Jimmy, show's about to start.

Made your favorite, shark melon.

No, I'm not watching it!

Ooh, it's almost show time.

How in the world did you get that guy

to let you tap into his cable?

I thought he hated you because you barked at him.

I don't bark at him.

I bark back at his annoying barking dog.

And screw that guy.

He didn't let me tap into his cable.

I stole it.

He's always over there barbequing his delicious meat,

never inviting us over.

That smell drives me crazy.

He should put up a smell wall or something.

We could put one up.

You know how expensive a good smell wall is?

Jimmy, your dad's hooking up the TV!

You're going to miss it!

I'm not watching it!

Jimmy, we captured a serial killer.

That's all they're going to show.

That's all anyone cares about.

Do you think if they showed the embarrassing things we do

every single week, anyone would want to watch that?

Got it!

Hello, I'm Nancy Grace filling in for Geraldo Rivera,

who is recovering from some

pretty substantial plastic surgery.

Tonight, Inside Probe travels to Natesville.

Normally a simple place where people work all day,

come for dinner, then enjoy eating snacks on the sofa

and watching shows like this.

But tonight,

we probe inside Natesville to explore

one of its dark secrets.

A small-town murder spree...

but, I mean, the murder thing didn't help.

A family, terrorized!

The killer was right there in our kitchen.

He had eaten one of my wife's special egg dishes.

"Ham-and-eggtapusses."

With a capture and a shocking ending

not to be believed.

I had to do something. She seduced my son.

She would have killed him for sure. I would have lost my baby.

My baby!

It's all tonight, on Inside Probe.

I walking and talking at Howdy's Market

in the heart of Natesville.

A friendly place, where one out of every two customers

shop for groceries while riding on Rascals.

But, April 9, 2008,

there was a very different kind of Rascal at Howdy's.

A Rascal known as a murderer.

Sabrina Collins...

Do you want me to keep going?

She wanted to grow up to be a movie star

or a zoologist.

But she ended up as a checkout girl.

The last thing she thought she'd be checking out though

was a dead body.

The body was in the Dumpster.

Was it all bloody? Was it gross?

Yeah, it was gross.

Oh, my God. Uh, uh, did you touch it?

What was the smell?

It was bad. It smelled bad.

Oh-oh-ohh, man!

When you sign up to be an auxiliary policeman,

You know you're going to work some crowd control.

Host the Annual Pancake Breakfast, maybe work the

Say-No-To-Drugs Puppet for the kids.

Don't smoke crack.

But you never think you're going to get

a big opportunity to shine, but I did.

What do you mean "calm down"?!

When are you sending me some backup?! Andy, the guy's dead!

Game over, man! Game over!

That first murder was pretty big news.

I mean, we don't get a lot of crime around here.

Someone stole the giant donut in front of the Taco Hut

that used to be the donut place.

But other than that, it's usually pretty crime-free.

Virginia Slims Chance,

named by a desperate mother

in a futile attempt to get a free carton of cigarettes.

A girl of simple tastes,

little things made her happy:

a snow man, a gerbil named Martha,

learning to spell "S" words.

But in 2008,

a string of murders made her life very complicated.

I was immediately "inquizical" of this mystery.

I watch a lot of CSI, SVU, NCIS.

If a show's got letters in it, I am so there.

Psst!

Hey!

What?

Have you seen my sunglasses?

I want to take the lenses out

so I look smart in my interview.

Virginia's husband, Burt Chance.

Born Engelburt Jebadiah Chance,

Burt enjoyed pretending to read,

trying on hats, and the outdoors.

One summer, he and his dog, Burt,

tried to run away from home

by floating on a mattress down the river.

I was quite concerned.

I have really good skin,

and my biggest fear is that someone will cut me up

and make a Burt suit.

Pardon me.

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark!

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, you guys just shoot from the waist up, right?

'Cause, I can't find my good pants.

Virginia and Burt's son,

James Bon Jovi Chance.

Born to teenage parents,

he carried on their tradition of partying,

as seen in this picture of him

during his first breast-milk hangover.

He got into goth before it was cool

and continued on long after it was cool.

I mean, if the murders were happening to me,

yeah, I'd be scared.

But they were happening to other people, so...

If Jimmy Chance wasn't worried,

the rest of the town was.

One murder turned into three.

And police started to detect a pattern.

Just go around me!

So we figured out that all the victims

had a mysterious girlfriend that no one could find.

By "we," I mean the investigation team.

That's when I suggest we call this mysterious woman

the Boyfriend Killer.

Hm.

All the guys on the team loved it.

Derek gave me this pin.

He said I could pick any of the ones in his drawer.

It was the last one with an eagle on it.

Nice.

I only wear it on special occasions, TV interviews,

when I go visit my two moms,

or every third Friday when we have our

employee morale-boosting

original song karaoke nights.

♪ Who at Howdy's loves their jobs? ♪

♪ We do, we do. ♪

♪ How long do we all work hard? ♪

♪ All the live-long day. ♪

♪ Instrumental... ♪

Those murders were awesome.

I mean, not for the dudes that got killed,

There were tons of lonely chicks out there,

'cause guys were two scared to be dating the Boyfriend Killer.

But I know karate.

These are some of the ladies I dated.

I didn't have horizontal refreshments with all of them,

But I did get lots of pictures.

I was pulling more tail than

a curious three-year-old in a petting zoo.

Police soon had a woman in custody

confessing to the crimes.

You bet your ass I did it.

I killed all of them.

Barbara June Thompson,

former Miss Natesville.

She became a professional model,

starting out in bathing suits

and ending up in straightjackets.

I also killed Kennedy, Lincoln, and the last dodo bird.

Clearly, Barbara June was insane,

and police had the wrong woman.

Disco.

I killed disco.

It looked like the murderer would continue killing

until all the boyfriends in Natesville were gone,

and she had to start killing "friends with benefits,"

until this call was received by 911.

911, what's your emergency?

This is Virginia Chance.

Virginia, this is your fourth call this month.

For the last time, we don't

handle rotten pumpkin disposal.

No wait, we actually do have an emergency.

We captured the Boyfriend Killer!

Ask her about the pumpkins while you're on the line.

How did the Chance's capture Cold-Blooded Killer?

To answer that question,

prepare yourself for a magic voyage into the wonderful world

of cheap Korean animation.

Jimmy Chance took his van to pick up

some bubble gum ice cream and ended up

getting a double scoop of trouble.

That's when Lucy appeared begging for help.

Thinking he was being a good Samaritan,

Jimmy scooped her up and drove her to safety.

You saved my life and you are cute.

Make sex with me.

This is fantastic.

The van started rockin',

and neighbors knew not to come knockin'.

Jimmy get out here! You're missing it.

This show has cartoons.

What kind of cartoons?

Lucky for the Chances, Lucy had to make ploppies,

and she excused herself to the bathroom.

It was during these ploppies, that the news informed

the Chances that Lucy was a wanted murderer.

Upon Lucy's return from making ploppies,

Virginia grabbed the family TV

and bam! Good night, scumbag.

I got to admit, this isn't what I thought it would be.

See, we had nothing to worry about.

They're making us look like heroes.

A family of heroes.

Ha-ha.

Or, so it would appear from the outside.

Uh-oh.

That's why we decided to probe deeper.

Even when the story says no,

we probe deeper until the story likes it.

I told you, I didn't want to talk about this.

This interview, it's-it's over!

And I was going to do my Gollum imitation

from Lord Of The Rings.

Your loss!

Your loss!

They're going to show it!

You said this would be a flattering portrayal.

Liar, liar, pantsuit on fire!

Oh! Got busted for stealing the cable!

You people are such trash.

What the hell?!

You people think you can just steal our cable?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

What do you mean, you people?

We just want to borrow your cable tonight.

Yeah, you got the wrong idea, Tom.

We don't steal.

Just like you don't cheat on your wife when she visits her sister.

Oh, it's going to be like that, huh?

Take your time.

Enjoy our cable.

The Chance family

had captured more than a murderer.

They captured the town's attention.

I became a-a bit of a local celebrity.

Uh, the sandwich shop changed the name

of the hero sandwich to the Jimmy.

People started stopping me on the street

to ask for my autograph.

Then, a real movie company asked me to be in a movie.

All the real stars had done movies for this company:

Tanya Harding, John Wayne Bobbitt,

Joey Buttafuoco, Screech.

If there's going to be

any stabbing, it will be done by me!

With my body parts!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

That's all you get, perverts.

Jimmy Chance was enjoying his fame,

but eventually he became old news

and his high from being a celebrity came crashing down

harder than a contestant on Dancing with the Stars

who was voted off way too early.

We hadn't seen him spend this much time

locked in his room since he was 13.

At least back then, he came out with a smile on his face.

But, yeah, but this time,

he came out all depressed,

with those weird drawings.

I was at my wit's end and was this close

to buying a self-help book.

But then I realized, hey, we live next door to a shrink.

I'm not a shrink.

I got a psychology magazine in the mail once by mistake.

Burt saw it and started calling me Doc.

He said he would mow my lawn for free if I evaluated his son.

So I went with it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Jasper, it's okay.

It's just the mailman.

So, anyway, according to the Internet,

the kid suffered from "hero depression."

When average people, or in Jimmy's case,

below average, get thrust into the spotlight,

they suddenly feel euphoric.

And then when the spotlight goes away,

so does their sense of self-worth.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark...

He's a dog, Burt!

You're a human!

I take some of the blame.

As a child, I put a lot of pressure on him

to become famous.

When Jimmy Chance was 13, the Chance family decided

to send in an audition tape for the TV show Star Search.

Hello, Mr. McMahon.

I'm James Bon Jovi Chance.

I'm about to sing so beautifully,

I'll make you forget all about your drinking problem.

♪ With a guy like me, with a girl like you ♪

♪ Oh, could you ever see ♪

As amazing as Jimmy Chance was, it was all for naught,

because Star Search had been off the air for ten years

and the Chance family was only watching reruns.

♪ Cheyenne... ♪

Ed, this kid is the star.

So, disregard all those earlier tapes I sent

of me break-dancing pregnant, okay?

So, primed to be a star and finding he no longer was one,

Jimmy Chance wallowed in self-pity.

Until he got some news from prison

that would change his life forever.

You're pregnant?

Say something to your baby.

Hey, baby.

Uh, uh...

At first, Jimmy didn't handle the news

of getting a serial killer pregnant very well.

Especially since he thought the baby was gonna

have to spend her life in prison, too.

You're the one who told him that.

I did. I did tell him that!

Tell them about the letter.

Although we had learned to ignore

most of what the old lady had to say,

turns out, there was a letter written from Lucy to Jimmy

shortly after he found out she was pregnant.

"Jimmy, ever since you came to see me,

"I can't stop thinking about you

"and this life we created growing inside me.

"Even though there are many female prisoners

"with your hairstyle, there's no one here quite like you.

"It would mean the world to me to know our baby

"will someday know it was born to married parents.

"I know I'm not long for this world, but I'd like to spend

"the rest of my life, which is six more months,

as Mrs. Jimmy whatever your last name is."

Anyone in their right mind would have run away from a proposal

from a convicted serial killer.

But then, Inside Probe wouldn't have covered that.

Yes. Yes!

Hello.

You said yes?! You said yes?!

I was flattered!

I told you not to watch this!

Anybody want some chamomile?

Hey.

I cannot believe you agreed to marry her.

Shh!

A killer terrorizes a city,

a simple young man impregnates her,

captures her.

The young couple falls in love.

A wedding is planned.

Things were getting spicy.

Not a fan.

I was against it at first.

But then I told her, "Look, Jimmy's our son.

"Whoever he loves, we have to honor and respect that.

"And besides, she'll be dead in six months,

and he'll be single again."

Believe it or not,

we get a lot of wedding requests at the prison.

Mostly it's gal-on-gal, but every once in a while,

a fella comes in and wants to marry one of our guests.

We try to accommodate.

Howdy's Catering puts in bids for all the prison weddings.

We also do last meals, too.

Lot of leftovers for those.

Sad throwing away all those shrimp.

Anyway, in keeping with the prison theme,

among the items we served

were chocolate bars and a Jewish smoked salmon called lox.

Bars, lox... get it?

They didn't, either.

Jimmy even got his mom

to help with the bride's dress.

The wedding was on.

A desperate groom looking for meaning in his life,

his family who was trying to make the best of the day,

and a wedding procession not to be believed.

Oh, remember Teresa with the mask?

Yeah, Burt, you tend not to forget the person

who tries to bite your ear off.

You just had to see her face.

This is crazy.

Hey, we're here to work, not to be looky-loos.

I do.

And do you, Jimmy, take this woman Lucy

to be your lawfully wedded wife until death...

until Tuesday, September 21, at midnight?

I do.

The couple wed.

They danced the night away.

♪ Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry ♪

♪ In five days from now, he's gonna marry ♪

♪ He's hoping you can make it there if you can ♪

♪ 'Cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man ♪

♪ You say "neat-o," check your libido ♪

♪ And roll to the church in your new tuxedo ♪

♪ The bride walks down just to start the wedding ♪

♪ And there's one more girl you won't be getting ♪

♪ So you start thinking, then you start blinking ♪

♪ A bridesmaid looks and thinks that you're winking ♪

♪ She thinks you're kind of cute so she winks back ♪

♪ And now you're feeling really firm ♪

♪ 'Cause the girl is stacked ♪

The two young lovers cut the cake.

Everything seemed just fine and dandy.

Until this.

Freeze! Everybody freeze!

Or I'll cut this fool's head off!

In hindsight, we realized that

giving a serial stabber-of-male-companions

access to a knife while she stood

next to her new male companion was probably

an avoidable mistake.

Live and learn.

I need a helicopter out of here in an hour,

$600 and two tickets to Mamma Mia,

or my husband's head leaves here in a bag!

Do you want to see Mamma Mia?

No.

One ticket!

Freeze!

Thank you.

What happens next?

You'll find out after the commercial,

when we reveal a bombshell so huge

it will absolutely blow your minds.

Oh, please.

They always say that at the end to get you to watch

the last two minutes of the show.

I know I always say this, but seriously,

this bombshell coming up, it's going to blow your mind.

Nah.

I already know what happens.

Lucy has the baby, she gets fried, and we get Hope.

I'm going to bed.

You sure about that?

Damn it, they're good.

Can't get enough My Name is Earl?

My Name is Earl five days a week.

You married a woman who was executed

and you never thought that was worth sharing with me?

I had to look at your blog to find out that you love

Arcade Fire and hate people who snoop around.

We all have secrets.

Shh!

Welcome back.

Tonight, we showed you the story of the Chance family,

the serial killer who changed their lives,

and the jailhouse wedding that ended

in a brief hostage situation.

But what we haven't shown you

is that Lucy Carlyle gave birth to her child.

A lovely little girl named Princess Beyoncé,

whose name was later changed.

To Hope.

Blah, blah, blah.

We know all this already, Nancy.

I knew I should've gone to bed.

...Carlyle was executed.

This crazy story was finally over.

You were right, Virginia.

They keep you sticking around for the last segment,

then they got nothing!

I'm just glad it's over.

Or was it over?

There was one more

bombshell left.

A bombshell named Lucy Carlyle.

I'm alive!

You thought I was dead, but I'm not.

Bam!

How you like them apples?

That was worth sticking around for.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com