Original subtitles

[EVANY] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[SCOTT] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[■■]

[SCOTT] HEY EVERYONE. THE GLOBE

AND MAIL CAME OUT WITH THEIR

MONTHLY LIST OF THE MOST POPULAR

SKETCH TROUPES IN CANADA, AND WE

ARE NOT ON IT.

[SCOTT] SO WE ARE MAKING AN

EFFORT TO INCREASE OUR

POPULARITY.

[SCOTT] I WAS JUST, THE OTHER

DAY, UM, TALKING TO SOME HIGH

SCHOOL GIRLS WHO HAD NEVER HEARD

OF US. WENT OUT TO DINNER, HAD

SOME DRINKS AND THEY LOVE US

NOW. THEY'RE GONNA WATCH THE

SHOW, AND...

WHAT?

DRINKS?

[SCOTT] YEAH.

[ANDREW] YOU GAVE UNDERAGED

GIRLS ALCOHOLIC DRINKS?

[SCOTT] WELL, THEY WERE WEARING

MAKE-UP. I DON'T KNOW. THEY,

LIKE, THEY WERE COOL WITH IT.

COOL WITH IT. THEY WERE GETTING

FREE ALCOHOL.

[SCOTT] COULD I BE CHARGED FOR

THAT? I THINK THAT'S THE

RESTAURANT WOULD GET CHARGED.

[ANDREW] NO I THINK YOU COULD BE

CHARGED AS WELL.

[SCOTT] SO WE'RE DOING

A P.R. PUSH.

EVERYONE'S GOT IDEAS.

MARK LITTLE HAS TAKEN SOME

INITIATIVE. UH, HE ACTUALLY

TOOK AN AD OUT IN TODAY'S

PAPER. A FULL PAGE AD.

IT'S RIGHT ON THE BACK HERE.

"RENT ROBOCOP".

[ANDREW] RENT ROBOCOP?

HOW'S THAT AN AD FOR...

PICNICFACE?

[MARK] YEAH, I WASN'T

100 PERCENT CLEAR ON WHAT I WAS

ALLOWED TO PROMOTE OR NOT

PROMOTE.

[ANDREW] HOW MUCH DID THAT COST

US?!

[MARK] 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS.

[ANDREW] 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

[MARK] DON'T SNATCH.

[ANDREW] I CAN SNATCH WHAT

I WANT TO SNATCH.

[MARK] OH!

IT'S OKAY. IF THERE'S ONE THING

I LEARNED FROM ROBOCOP,

IT'S WHEN TO FIGHT AND WHEN TO

STAND BY AND LET THEM HANG

THEMSELVES--

[ANDREW] WHERE DID YOU LEARN

THAT IN ROBOCOP?

HE SHOOTS EVERYONE!

[DIRECTOR] JUST A FULL OUT FIGHT

OVER THERE AND GUYS YOU ALL

STAND--

"YOU GUYS, STOP, STOP, STOP!"

[ANDREW] (SLAP)

[MARK] OW!

(COMMOTION)

[ANDREW] WELL GUYS, I GUESS WE

DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO PROMOTE

OURSELVES, SO WE'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO THINK OF MORE CREATIVE

SOLUTIONS.

CELEBRITY. THAT'LL CAUSE A MEDIA

FRENZY, AND THAT'S A DOOLEY

GUARANTEE.

MOST POPULAR GIRL AT HALIFAX

HIGH SCHOOL.

[ANDREW] HOW WILL THAT MAKE US

MORE POPULAR SCOTT?

[SCOTT] SHE'S POPULAR, I'LL BE

POPULAR. DO THE MATH, MAN.

AND SHE'S HOT.

POPULAR.

[CHERYL] I GOT SOMETHING IN THE

WORKS BUT... NO SPOILERS.

[EVANY] TWO WORDS:

PROMOTIONAL ARSON.

[BILL] I'M GOING TO RELEASE

MESSENGER DOVES. IT WILL RAISE

AWARENESS OF PICNICFACE AND BE A

BEAUTIFUL METAPHOR FOR PEACE.

[ANDREW] I'M GOING TO HUNT

BRIAN.

[BRIAN] WHAT?

[ANDREW] LIVE ON THE INTERNET.

[BRIAN] CAN I HAVE A HEAD START?

[ANDREW] NO.

[MARK] IN THE FUTURE, ONLY ONE

ROBOTIC OFFICER WILL BE ABLE TO

SAVE DETROIT FROM CAPITALISM

GONE WRONG IN A--

[■■]

[BRIGITTE] MY MOM JUST, LIKE,

GONE, FAINTS. THE RABBI STOPS

WHAT HE'S DOING, LIKE KNIFE IN

HAND. EVERYONE WAS JUST LIKE SO

EMBARRASSED. IT WAS CRAZY.

(LAUGHING)

[CHERYL] THAT IS SO YOUR MOM.

[JAKE] YOUR MOM HAS THE WORST

LUCK EVER.

SHE'S RIDICULOUS. I LOVE HER.

[BILL] AT LEAST YOU GOT A GOOD

STORY OUT OF IT.

[BRIGITTE] THAT'S TRUE. ALTHOUGH

IF YOU LIKE THAT STORY, YOU

SHOULD HEAR JAKE'S STORY.

[JAKE] WHAT?

WHERE YOU'RE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.

THAT STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH WHAT YOU WERE JUST TALKING

ABOUT.

[CHERYL] OH, COME ON JAKE.

TELL IT.

[BILL] PLEASE?

PLEASE?

[CHERYL] DON'T MAKE HIM BEG.

[JAKE] I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

STORY BRIGITTE IS TALKING ABOUT.

[BRIGITTE] YES, YOU DO.

YES, YOU DO.

YOU'RE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.

IT'S THE DEAD OF WINTER.

HE'S LOOKING FOR THIS

CONVENIENCE STORE, RIGHT?

NOTHING'S OPEN. AND MEETS THIS

GUY, AND HE ASKS THIS GUY WHAT

HIS NAME IS, AND THE GUY SAYS,

"MY NAME IS RICHARD MANN,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME DICK."

SO THEN, HE SAYS...

"THAT MEANS YOUR NAME IS

DICK-MAN."

[CHERYL/BILL] (LAUGHING)

[BILL] WHAT?!

[BILL] (LAUGHING) DICK-MAN!

[JAKE] YEAH. TRUE STORY.

[BILL] DICK-MAN!

(LAUGHING)

[CHERYL] OH, I'VE GOT TO HEAR

THAT STORY.

[JAKE] YOU JUST HEARD IT.

[BILL] YEAH, BUT JAKE, YOU'RE A

WONDERFUL RACONTEUR.

[JAKE] REALLY NO POINT IN ME

TELLING THAT AGAIN.

[CHERYL] COME ON JAKE.

TELL THE STORY.

DON'T BE MODEST.

[BRIGITTE] JUST TELL THE STORY.

JUST TELL IT ONE TIME.

JUST TELL IT.

[BRIGITTE] THEY NEED TO HEAR IT.

IT'S SO GOOD.

[BILL] COME ON, PLEASE?

[JAKE] ALRIGHT.

OKAY.

JUST THIS ONCE.

UM...

SO UH...

I WAS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE...

AND I WAS LOOKING FOR A

CONVENIENCE STORE...

I MET THIS GUY NAMED,

RICHARD MANN...

HE SAID, "CALL ME DICK"...

AND I SAID...

THAT MEANS YOUR NAME IS

"DICK-MAN".

[CHERYL/BILL] (LAUGHING)

[BRIDGETTE] (LAUGHING)

[BILL] DICK-MAN!

(LAUGHING)

YOU...

[CHERYL] (LAUGHING)

(SNORTS)

[BILL] DICK... MANN.

DICK-MAN!

(LAUGHING)

YOU'RE THE BEST!

[CHERYL] JUST GREAT.

[BILL] THANK YOU.

THANK...

THANK YOU.

[CHERYL] OH, TELL IT AGAIN.

[JAKE] SERIOUSLY?

YOU JUST HEARD IT TWO TIMES.

[BILL] TELL IT AGAIN.

[JAKE] (GIGGLES)

I...

I TOTALLY FORGOT.

I'VE GOT AN EARLY MORNING

AND IT IS...

IT IS LATE.

SO UH...

THANK YOU FOR DINNER,

BUT I HAVE TO GO.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(HORROR FILM SOUND EFFECTS)

[CHERYL] TELL IT AGAIN.

[BILL] FROM THE BEGINNING.

[BRIGITTE] THE STORY.

[JAKE] I HAVE OTHER STORIES.

[BRIGITTE] THE STORY...

STORY.

[JAKE] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

(DOOR OPENING)

[COP #1] EVERYBODY DOWN ON

THE GROUND!

[COP #2] EVERYBODY HIT THE DECK!

HIT THE DECK!

DOWN ON THE GROUND!

[COP #1] TELL THE F---ING STORY!

NICE AND SLOW, A---HOLE.

[COP #2] DON'T SKIP ANYTHING.

[COP #1] (COCKS GUN)

[COP #2] GO ON, FROM THE TOP.

[■■]

[CHERYL] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[MARK] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[■■]

(STRUGGLING)

[■■]

[BRIAN] (SCREAM)

[■■]

(GUNSHOT)

[■■]

(CHEERING)

[MARK] YEAH!

[■■]

(CAR HORN)

[■■]

[CHERYL] (GRUNTING)

[■■]

[ANDREW/MARK]

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TRAVELING THROUGH TIIIIIME!

[ANDREW] FIGHTIN' DINOSAURS

IN THE PAST!

[MARK] IN THE FUTURE,

FIGHTING FUTURE DINOSAURS!

[ANDREW/MARK]

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TRAVELING THROUGH TIIIIIME!

[MARK] WOW, ANDY,

WHAT A GREAT DAY.

[ANDREW] OH NO, MARK!

LOOK OUT FOR THAT BULLET!

OH!

[ANDREW] MARK!

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY

GOODBYE.

WAIT A SECOND.

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

[ANDREW/MARK]

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TIME MACHINE TWINS!

TRAVELING THROUGH TIIIIIME!

[MARK] WOW, ANDY,

WHAT A GREAT DAY.

[ANDREW] BYE.

[MARK] WHAT?

OH!

[ANDREW] I DID IT!

[■■]

[SCOTT] I FIND STANDING NEXT TO

GUYS AT URINALS VERY AWKWARD.

IT'S JUST A STRANGE DYNAMIC.

BECAUSE IF YOU TOOK THE URINE

AND THE URINALS AWAY,

WE'D JUST BE TWO GUYS STANDING

THERE FULLY CLOTHED WITH THEIR

PENISES HANGING OUT.

AND THAT WOULD BE EVEN MORE

AWKWARD.

BATHROOM AWAY, AND PUT THE GUYS

DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEADOW

AT DUSK, THEN IT WOULD JUST BE

TWO GUYS STANDING THERE IN THE

MIDDLE OF A MEADOW FULLY

CLOTHED WITH THEIR PENISES

HANGING OUT AND WATCHING THE

SUNSET.

THAT WOULD BE NICER, I THINK.

[■■]

(ADVENTURE MOVIE MUSIC)

[BRIAN] AH!

I DON'T WANNA DIE!

I DON'T WANNA DIE!

I DON'T WANNA DIE!

[■■]

[JOHN] HEY MAN,

CHECK OUT THAT GIRL.

[SCOTT] SHE'S HOT.

[JOHN] YEAH.

[SCOTT] GO TALK TO HER.

[JOHN] WHAT, THAT GIRL?

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[■■]

[JOHN] YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

[JOHN] HEY, I'M JOHN.

[BRIGITTE] HI, I'M BRIGITTE.

[JOHN] F---IN' BORING.

[JOHN] WHERE'S YOUR PALM HORSE?

[BRIGITTE] EXCUSE ME?

[JOHN] WHERE'S YOUR HORSE?

WHERE'S THE HORSE THAT COMES OUT

OF YOUR PALM?!

COME TALK TO ME WHEN YOU MAKE

HORSES!

[FRED] SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE

THERE, KIDDO?

[KID] OH, I WANT THAT ONE.

[FRED] WHICH ONE?

[KID] THAT ONE! THAT ONE!

[FRED] OH, YOU DON'T WANT THAT

ONE THERE, PAL. THAT RIGHT THERE

IS A RED HERRING.

[RED HERRING] (CAWING)

[PET STORE GUY] HEY, WHAT CAN

I SAY? TIMES ARE TIGHT.

(BING)

[FRED] YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE?

[PET STORE GUY] YOU LIKE

KITTENS?

(BING)

[RED HERRING] (CAWING)

[FRED] NOT ONES LIKE THAT,

I DON'T.

[PET STORE GUY] WHAT ABOUT FISH?

(BING)

[RED HERRING] (CAWING)

[KID] AW, THE FISHY'S DEAD!

[FRED] I THINK I'VE SEEN ABOUT

ENOUGH OF THIS.

[PET STORE GUY] WHAT ABOUT

CROWS? DO YOU LIKE CROWS?

CROWS.

CROWS.

CROWS.

>>CROW DREAMS.

CROW DREAMS.

CROW DREAMS.

CROW DREAMS.

[RED HERRING] (CAWING)

>>(CHANTING)

(CLAPPING)

(PULSING)

[SHEILA] SHOOT!

SHOOT!

(PULSING)

(SWISH)

(CHEERING)

(BUZZER)

(CHEERING)

[■■]

[SHEILA] YOU HAD THE CROW DREAM

AGAIN?

[FRED] YOU BET I DID.

(CHEERING)

CROW DREAMS.

(CHEERING)

[BILLY] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

I WILL GET THAT TUMOR CHECKED!

(CHEERING)

[BILLY] YEAH!

[LINDSEY] LUCY!

YOU CAME BACK...

[CROWD] AWWW!

[LINDSEY] AND MOM AND DAD ARE

STILL ALIVE!

(CHEERING)

[MIKE] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

TELL THEM WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

[JUDGE] I FIND THE DEFENDANT

NOT GUILTY!

(CHEERING)

[SHEILA] MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(CHEERING)

[FRED] I JUST GOT THE S.A.T

RESULTS.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO COLLEGE!

(CHEERING)

[FRED] CROW DREAMS FOR ME!

CROW DREAMS FOR EVERYONE!

[■■]

■AFTER THE RAIN

COMES THE SUNSHINE■

■TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN■

■AND THE SKY IS BLUE

AND THE WIND WHISPERS YOUR NAME■

■WISH UPON A STAR

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE■

■HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT

YOU SEE THE LIGHT SHINE THROUGH■

■AFTER THE RAIN

COMES THE SUNSHINE■

■TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN■

■AND THE SKY IS BLUE

AND THE WIND WHISPERS YOUR NAME■

■WISH UPON A STAR

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE■

■HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT

(ADVENTURE MUSIC)

(ADVENTURE MUSIC)

[ANDREW] CLEVER GIRL.

(GUN SHOT)

[■■]

[SCOTT] HEY EVERYONE. THE GLOBE

AND MAIL CAME OUT WITH THEIR

LATEST LIST OF CANADA'S MOST

POPULAR SKETCH TROUPES, AND

WE'RE STILL NOT ON IT.

UM...

[ANDREW] SCOTT?

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

[SCOTT] SHE HAS A NAME, ANDY.

[ANDREW] WELL, WHAT'S HER NAME?

[KYLE] WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN A

SINGLE CALL ABOUT MY CELEBRITY.

[ANDREW] YES, THAT'S BECAUSE

HE'S NOT A CELEBRITY.

NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS.

[KYLE] OKAY, SURE HE IS.

HE WAS IN LOTS OF THINGS:

"THE SHIPPING NEWS",

"K19: THE WIDOWMAKER",

"TRAILER PARK BOYS"--

[ANDREW] YEAH, AS AN EXTRA.

HE'S EATING OUR CEREAL.

[CELEBRITY] YOU'RE OUT OF

SHREDDIES.

[EVANY] I THINK MY THING WENT

PRETTY WELL. IT WAS IN THE

PAPER.

[MARK] "MANHUNT CONTINUES FOR

DEADLY ARSONIST"?

[EVANY] THAT MANHUNT WAS A BIT

PRESUMPTUOUS.

[MARK] "10 SENIORS KILLED"?

[ANDREW] SCOTT, SHE CAN'T BE

HERE.

[SCOTT] WHY?

[ANDREW] BECAUSE WE'RE ALL

ADULTS AND IT IS 1:30PM ON A

TUESDAY, SO SHE SHOULD BE AT

SCHOOL.

[SCOTT] WE'RE TAKING A LONG

LUNCH.

IT'S COOL, MAN.

[EVANY] HOW DID YOUR THING GO,

[■■]

[CHERYL] YEAH, IT DIDN'T WORK.

[EVANY] DIDN'T WORK.

[MARK] SCOTT, YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS

STEALING LIQUOR FROM OUR

CABINET.

[ANDREW] SHE IS LOADED, MAN!

SHE PASSED OUT. SHE IS DRUNK!

SHE'S ON THE FLOOR, MAN!

[CHERYL] I DREW A PENIS ON HER

FACE, GUYS.

[ANDREW] OH MY--

[EVANY] SO I GUESS WE ALL

(SUSPENSE MUSIC)

[■■]

(WAVES)

[■■]

(CLICK)

[EVANY] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[KYLE] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[EVANY] (SPEAKING SPANISH)

[KYLE] PICNICFACE?

[EVANY] SI.

[■■]

[BILL] GREAT NEWS EVERYONE.

PICNICFACE IS NOW THE MOST

POPULAR SKETCH TROUPE IN MEXICO.

OUR SHOW GOT BOUGHT BY THE

HUEVOS NETWORK, AND ALL THEY HAD

TO DO WAS CHANGE THE OPENING AND

ADD SUBTITLES.

[EVANY] SUBTITLES?

WON'T THAT KIND OF RUIN THE

COMEDY?