Original subtitles

[■■]

[EVANY] AND IF WE LOOK AT THE

SHIFT IN PROJECTIONS FROM 02 TO

TODAY, WE'LL NOTICE THAT--

(PHONE RINGING)

[EVANY] I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

WHO'S PHONE IS THAT, SERIOUSLY?

(PHONE RINGING)

[EVANY] OKAY.

(PHONE RINGING)

[EVANY] WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT

GOING TO ANSWER IT,

I'M GOING TO ANSWER IT.

[GIANT PHONE] NO!

(SCREAMING)

[■■]

[CHERYL] HEY GUYS. SO WE THOUGHT

WE'D START OFF THIS WEEK BY

READING A LITTLE FAN MAIL.

[MARK] "DEAR PICNICFACE,

SEASON 2 WAS AMAZING BUT--"

SEASON 2?

[CHERYL] OH YEAH.

THIS IS FAN MAIL FROM THE

[■■]

[ANDREW] "DEAR PICNICFACE,

YOUR SHOW IS 'DA BOMB'.

MARK LITTLE IS LIKE A HILARIOUS

ORB RIDING AN AMAZING SEADOO."

DID YOU WRITE THESE?

[MARK] NO.

[ANDREW] OH HERE'S ONE FOR ME.

"DEAR PICNICFACE,

ANDY HAS BECOME INCREDIBLY FAT

AND BALD. WHY DOES HE DRINK

DURING THE SKETCHES?"

THANK YOU FOR THAT ONE.

[ANDREW] "MARK IS THE BEST".

"ANDY SHOULD BE REPLACED BY

A SECOND MARK."

WHAT IS THAT?

[ANDREW] LOOK AT THIS!

THEY'RE ALL FOR MARK.

THIS IS INSANE.

[ANDREW] "DEAR PICNICFACE,

MARK REALLY SHINES IN

SEASON 3."

"DEAR PICNICFACE,

I'M GOING TO...

...KILL MARK LITTLE."

[MARK] WHO WROTE THIS?

ALFONSO GREEN, HALIFAX?

HE LIVES HERE, IN HALIFAX?

[MARK] "WE ALL MISS MARK SO

MUCH. HE WAS THE BACKBONE OF THE

SKETCH TROUPE."

[MARK] THAT'S IT.

I JUST GET MURDERED IN SEASON 4

AND THAT'S IT?

[BILL] WE GET FOUR SEASONS?

[MARK] CHERYL, WHERE DID YOU GET

THESE?!

[MARK] THE WHAT?

[MARK] THE FUTURE MAILMAN?

[CHERYL] YEAH, HE DELIVERS THE

FUTURE MAIL.

[MARK] OH WHAT?

WHAT, HE DRIVES AROUND IN A

FUTURE MAIL VAN?

[CHERYL] DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL

HIM? I'LL JUST CALL HIM.

[MARK] YEAH, OKAY.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM A

(BUZZING)

[FUTURE MAILMAN] HELLO CHERYL.

[CHERYL] HEY, WHAT'S UP?

[FUTURE MAILMAN] IT'S GOOD

SEEING YOU AGAIN.

[CHERYL] YEAH.

[FUTURE MAILMAN] I'M SORRY IF MY

MAIL HAS CAUSED YOU ANY

DISTRESS. BUT FOR NOW,

THE FUTURE NEEDS ME.

GOODBYE.

[CHERYL] GOODBYE.

(SIGH)

[MARK] INCREDIBLE.

DID YOU TWO HAVE SOME SORT OF

RELATIONSHIP?

THAT GOT WEIRD.

[CHERYL] I DON'T WANT TO TALK

[■■]

[SCOTT] HEY, LOOK AT THAT COUPLE

OVER THERE.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT?

[CHERYL] "OH HONEY, WHAT KIND OF

DRAPES DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD

BUY?"

[SCOTT] "OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M TOO BUSY WITH MY JOB AT

THE STAPLER FACTORY."

[CHERYL] "BUT HONEY, THE DRAPES!

THE DRAPES ARE SO IMPORTANT."

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

"HEY, LOOK AT THAT COUPLE OVER

THERE.

[SCOTT] ARE THEY MOCKING US?"

[CHERYL] "HONEY, JUST IGNORE

THEM."

NO, I'M GOING TO IGNORE THEM.

WE COME OUT HERE TO HAVE A NICE

TIME AND WE END UP BEING...

[SCOTT] "SOMEBODY ELSE'S

ENTERTAINMENT.

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

YOU KNOW WHAT? GET MY GUN.

[CHERYL] "NO, I WON'T WON'T HAVE

YOU GO BACK..."

[EVANY] (CHERYL'S VOICE)

...TO JAIL OVER THIS.

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY?

DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY?

OH YEAH? WELL, LET'S SEE WHO'S

LAUGHING WHEN I SHOOT YOU...

[SCOTT] ..."IN THE KNEES."

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE

KNEES!

[SCOTT] (SINGING)

"GOING TO GET MY GUN."

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS...

[CHERYL] ..."YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND...

...HE'S UNSTABLE.

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

DOE-DEE-DOE-DEE-DOE.

SO LET'S SEE-- WHAT THE F---?!

OH NO!

(BANG)

(PHONE RINGING)

[SCOTT] HELLO?

HEY MAN.

YEAH, WE'RE STILL AT THE COFFEE

SHOP.

[ANDREW] (SCOTT'S VOICE)

WHAT TIME ARE WE SUPPOSED TO

MEET YOU AT?

SH---.

YEAH.

[■■]

[ROGER] HEY, DON?

[DON] YEAH?

[ROGER] I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M

HAPPY YOU'RE MY BEST MAN.

[DON] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[ROGER] WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES,

HAVEN'T WE?

[■■]

[DON] YEAH.

[■■]

[ROGER] WHAT WAS THAT?!

[DON] WHAT WAS WHAT?

[ROGER] I DON'T REMEMBER THAT

LAST PART HAPPENING.

[DON] WHAT LAST PART?

[ROGER] YOU WERE BREAST FEEDING

ME.

OBVIOUSLY JUST REALLY NERVOUS.

[ROGER] YOU PUT MY MOUTH ON YOUR

NIPPLE AND YOU WERE BRE--

YOU WERE BREAST FEEDING ME.

[DON] ROGER, YOU'RE JUST

FREAKING OUT OVER YOUR WEDDING.

OKAY? JUST TAKE A BREATH.

[DON] DO YOU REMEMBER HOW

NERVOUS I WAS BEFORE MY WEDDING?

[ROGER] YEAH.

[■■]

[DON] ROGER?

[ROGER] YEAH, DON?

[DON] I JUST, I WANNA THANK YOU

FOR BEING MY BEST MAN.

[ROGER] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,

MAN. I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT MY BACK

AND I'VE GOT YOURS.

[DON] YEAH.

[ROGER] REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN

WE WERE STUDYING FOR THAT

SCIENCE TEST?

AND WE'D FAIL SO WE GOT A

CHEAT SHEET.

AND WE GOT CAUGHT.

AND THAT'S THE WAY--

[ROGER] (SUCKING)

[ROGER] WHY WERE YOU

BREAST FEEDING ME AGAIN?!

[ROGER] WHY IS YOUR SHIRT

UNDONE?!

[ROGER] WHY IS THERE MILK ON MY

FACE?!

[ROGER] WERE YOU BREAST FEEDING

ME DURING THE FLASHBACK?!

[DON] I'VE BEEN BREAST FEEDING

YOU FOR YEARS.

[ROGER] NO!

[DON] IN FACT, I'M BREAST

FEEDING YOU RIGHT NOW.

[ROGER] (SUCKING)

(SCREAMING)

[■■]

[■■]

[MARK] HI EVERYONE. SO I WENT

OVER TO ALPHONSO'S HOUSE

(THE GUY WHO'S SUPPOSED TO

MURDER ME IN THE FUTURE)

AND I TALKED TO HIM AND IT

TURNS OUT THAT HE'D NEVER EVEN

HEARD OF PICNICFACE.

SO WE HAD THIS GREAT CHAT,

I SHOWED HIM SOME OF OUR VIDEOS.

TURNS OUT I'M HIS FAVOURITE,

AND, YEAH.

SO EVERYTHING IS GOOD.

HE'S-- WE'RE BUDDIES NOW.

[ANDREW] YOU REALIZE YOU CREATED

YOUR OWN STALKER, RIGHT?

[MARK] NO I DIDN'T.

I CREATED A FRIEND.

[BILL] IF YOU'RE GONNA GET

MURDERED, IT'S NICE TO BE

MURDERED FOR LOVE.

[MARK] I'M NOT GONNA GET

MURDERED.

(PHONE BEEPS)

[ANDREW] WHO'S THAT?

[MARK] THAT'S NO ONE.

IT'S MY FRIEND CHEVON.

[ANDREW] CHEVON?

[BILL] WHO'S CHEVON?

[ANDREW] YEAH, CHEVON'S A REAL

NAME.

[MARK] OKAY, IT'S ALPHONSO.

YOU GENIUSES.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, OKAY?

HE'S A STALKER.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

SH---.

[ANDREW] WELL THERE'S LIKE EIGHT

MISSED CALLS THERE.

AND WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT?

[MARK] IT'S A PICTURE OF ME

SLEEPING.

[ANDREW] OKAY.

[ANDREW] HE PUT CLOTHES ON YOU.

[BILL] YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA GET

MURDERED.

[ANDREW] YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA

GET MURDERED.

[MARK] SHUT THE F--- UP, BILL.

[BILL] SORRY!

[BILL] YOU KNOW, I COULD

HYPNOTIZE ALPHONSO INTO

FORGETTING ALL ABOUT YOU IF YOU

WANT.

[MARK] SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW

HYPNOSIS?

HYPNOSIS. I HYPNOTIZED

EVERYONE INTO THINKING I'M 5'6

AND HAVE RED HAIR.

[ANDREW] YOU ARE 5'6 AND HAVE

RED HAIR.

[BILL] I RELEASE YOU.

(SNAP)

[ANDREW] OH MY GOD!

(SNAP)

[ANDREW] OH MY GOD!

OKAY.

ALRIGHT, BILL, FOR A SECOND YOU

WERE A...

[BILL] I WAS A WHAT?

[ANDREW] I CAN'T REMEMBER.

[MARK] (PHONE BEEPS)

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

SOMETHING.

OH NO.

[ANDREW] OH YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA

[■■]

[NARRATOR] HAVE A GREAT PRODUCT

TO SELL?

TIRED OF YOUR INFOMERCIAL

ACTORS DOING AN UNCONVINCING

JOB?

CALL "INFOMERCIAL PLUS"

AND WE'LL SET YOU UP WITH AN

ACTOR WHO IS GENUINELY UNABLE

TO COMPLETE EVEN THE SIMPLEST

TASKS. LIKE, THE MAN WHO CAN'T

CRACK AN EGG.

[MARK] (LAUGHS)

[NARRATOR] THE WOMAN WHO

STRUGGLES WITH BLANKETS.

THE MAN WHO IS UNABLE TO CUT

THIS MUCH FRUIT.

[SCOTT] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

WE'VE GOT BANANAS,

WE'VE GOT ORANGES.

WHY DO YOU NEED TWO DIFFERENT

APPLES?!

[NARRATOR] CALL NOW AND CHOOSE

FROM OUT EXTENSIVE CATALOGUE OF

TRULY INCOMPETENT ACTORS.

LIKE, THE MAN WHO CAN'T START

A LAWN MOWER.

THE GUY WHO CAN'T STOP

BLEEDING.

THE OLD MAN WHO NEVER PUTS A

LID ON HIS BLENDER.

THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T HANDLE ALL

THIS FLOUR.

THE PERSON WHO'S CONSTANTLY

AMAZED.

THE GUY THAT'S DEAD.

THE KID THAT SPILLS ALL

ALLERGY BOY.

THE MAN WITH THE STINKIEST

APARTMENT IN THE WORLD.

THE GUY THAT CAN'T GRASP HOSES.

THE MAN WHO CAN'T GROW GRASS.

THE GIRL WITH CONSTANT FREEZER

BURN.

THE FAMILY THAT HASN'T FOUND

THEIR TV REMOTE IN 16 YEARS.

THE LADY WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF

AIRTIGHT JARS.

THE WOMAN WITH THE FESTERING

SEAT BELT WOUND.

THE MAN WHO LITERALLY CAN'T

FIND ANYTHING, EVER.

THE WOMAN WHO LITERALLY CAN'T

REACH ANYTHING, EVER.

THE MAN WHO'S DOG'S SH--- IS

EVERYWHERE.

THE WOMAN WITH ACTUAL

ALCOHOLISM.

THE MAN WHO HAS NEVER SUNK A

PUTT IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

A SAD WOMAN WITH REAL FAT ALL

OVER HER BODY AND FACE.

[NARRATOR] THESE AREN'T YOUR

AVERAGE INFOMERCIAL ACTORS.

THESE PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY

CHALLENGED.

[MARK] OW.

(BANG)

OW!

I'M SORRY.

[EVANY] (GRUNT)

(THUD)

[SCOTT] WHAT IS THIS?!

[DIRECTOR] CHRIS, CALM DOWN.

[SCOTT] IT'S LIKE A PASTEL

ORANGE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

THIS IS!

[DIRECTOR] IT'S A GRAPEFRUIT,

CHRIS.

[NARRATOR] SO CALL INFOMERCIAL

PLUS TODAY AND ADD SOME PLUS TO

YOUR INFOMERCIAL.

[MARK] JUST THE MAGIC OF EGGS.

F---.

[DIRECTOR] JUST DROP ONE OF

THOSE FRUIT.

JUST ONE.

NOW JUST DROP IT--

[SCOTT] THIS IS TOO HARD!

[DIRECTOR] NO-- WHA-- DON'T!

[SCOTT] F--- YOU.

F--- YOU.

[■■]

[BILL] YOU READY TO PRANK THIS

GUY?

[CHERYL] YEAH.

(KNOCKING)

[KYLE] THE DOOR WAS KNOCKED,

AND YET NOBODY'S HERE.

HOW ODD.

[DEB] WAS THERE NO ONE HERE?

[KYLE] NOBODY.

WHAT IS GOING ON TODAY?

FIRST SUPPER AND NOW THIS.

[DEB] SUPPER?

[KYLE] THE POT ROAST.

IT WAS BONE DRY.

[DEB] I'M SORRY.

[KYLE] SORRY DOESN'T MOISTEN

[■■]

[KYLE] SHOW YOURSELVES,

[■■]

(KNOCKING)

[KYLE] WELL CLEARLY THEY'VE

RETURNED TO APOLOGIZE.

[KYLE] I GET IT NOW--

WAIT A! WHA!

[■■]

[DEB] YOU KNOW, IF YOU IGNORE

THEM THEY'LL STOP.

[KYLE] GIVE ME ROOM TO THINK,

DEB!

SHOW YOURSELVES, PRANKSTERS.

[KYLE] I'LL FIND YOU, TEENS.

[DEB] PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T

USE OUR LAST WISH.

[KYLE] I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

[DEB] THE ONE WE WERE SAVING TO

WISH OUR INVALID SON OUT OF HIS

WHEELCHAIR?

[KYLE] I USED IT TO FIND THE

IDENTITY OF THE PRANKSTERS.

[DEB] WAS IT THOSE TEENS RIGHT

THERE IN THE GARDEN?

[KYLE] YES. THE GENIE ALREADY

POINTED THAT OUT, THANKS DEB.

[DEB] OH, HE'S ALREADY POINTED

THAT OUT?

[GENIE] THEY WERE HIDING BEHIND

A BUSH NEXT TO THE STOOP.

SORT OF HARD TO SEE IF YOU WERE

JUST STANDING THERE.

[DEB] IT'S A GOOD USE OF MAGIC.

[GENIE] I TRIED TO TELL HIM NOT

TO USE THE WISH ON THAT

PARTICULAR REQUEST.

[DEB] OH, LIKE YOU TRIED TO TELL

HIM NOT TO WASTE OUR FIRST TWO

WISHES ON THAT?

[KYLE] COME ON DEB, I WISHED

MYSELF A NICE CAT PAINTING,

AND I NEEDED THE SECOND WISH

TO MAKE THEM SEXY.

[DEB] THIS WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO

YOU THAN OUR CRIPPLED SON?

[KYLE] COME ON DEB! HE GETS HIS

LEGS BACK, HE'S GONNA BE RUNNING

AROUND TOWN, USING AND ABUSING

DRUGS AND PUTTING HIMSELF IN

WOMEN.

[DEB] HOLY SH---.

[KYLE] DEB, THIS IS GREAT!

NOW THAT WE KNOW WHO THEY ARE,

WE CAN PRANK THEM BACK!

[DEB] WHAT?

[KYLE] DEB, COME ON, QUICK!

GO SH--- IN A BAG.

WE'LL FIND OUT WHERE THEY LIVE.

I'LL GET A BOOK OF MATCHES.

SH--- IN A BAG!

[KYLE] COME ON DEB.

WHEN YOU SAID TO

"LOVE AND TO CHERISH",

WHAT YOU REALLY MEANT WAS,

"I WILL SH--- IN A BAG

WHEN THE SITUATION DEMANDS IT!"

[DEB] OKAY, THAT IS NOWHERE IN

OUR VOWS.

[KYLE] JUST PLEASE!

GRAB A BRAN MUFFIN

AND SOME WATER, LET'S DO THIS!

[DEB] I'M NOT... (INAUDIBLE)

[KYLE] THE LAMP!

[CHERYL] WHOA!

[BILL] A MAGIC LAMP!

[CHERYL] GIVE ME THAT.

OH WOW.

(GASPS)

[BILL] WOW!

[GENIE] I AM THE GENIE OF THE

LAMP. SINCE YOU'VE FREED ME I

SHALL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES.

[CHERYL] WE WISH TO HAVE AN

INVISIBLE MAN KNOCK ON THIS

DUMMY'S DOOR FOREVER.

(LAUGHING)

[GENIE] GRANTED!

(KNOCKING)

[KYLE] (SHOUTING)

(KNOCKING)

[KYLE] GREAT SNAKES!

(KNOCKING)

[KYLE] WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU SNEAKY TITTIES!

[BRIAN] DAD, I FINISHED CLEANING

OUT THE GARAGE.

[■■]

[EVANY] ARE THERE ANY FOR ME IN

THERE, CHERYL?

[EVANY] I GO ON A COKE RAMPAGE

IN 2014?

I DON'T EVEN DO COKE.

[CHERYL] IT'S FROM YOURSELF.

[EVANY] OKAY...

IT SAYS, "LET THE GAMES BEGIN."

OH WOW.

THAT'S... IS THIS COKE?

[KYLE] OH MAN, I CAN'T EVEN FEEL

MY FACE RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD COKE.

I KNOW IT'S SPRINGTIME,

BUT I'D SAY THAT FORECAST CALLS

FOR A BLIZZARD TONIGHT.

[KYLE] HIGH CHANCE OF FLURRIES.

[EVANY] I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

[KYLE] A BIT OF A SNOWSTORM.

[EVANY] I DON'T GET IT.

COCAINE.

[EVANY] OH!

[EVANY] HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WITH THAT?

[MARK] I JUST GOT A NOTE FROM

MYSELF IN THE FUTURE SAYING

I NEED THIS FOR A PLOT TWIST

LATER.

[EVANY] WHAT?!

[KYLE] "KYLE DOOLEY,

PLEASE HAVE MY BABY."

[CHERYL] OH!

[KYLE] NICE.

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

[■■]

[BILL] ONE NIGHT, I DREAMED

I WAS WALKING ALONG A BEACH

WITH THE LORD. AS WE WALKED,

I NOTICED FOOTPRINTS IN THE

SAND. SOMETIMES, THERE WERE TWO

SETS OF PRINTS. OTHER TIMES,

ONLY ONE.

FURTHER BACK ON THE BEACH,

I NOTICED A WHOLE CROWD OF

PRINTS, AS IF A HUGE GROUP HAD

WALKED WITH JESUS AND I.

CONFUSED, I SAID,

"LORD, WHO MADE THOSE PRINTS?"

[BILL] (AS JESUS) "WHAT?

NOBODY. HA HA HA HA."

[BILL] THE LORD LAUGHED

AWKWARDLY.

[BILL] "SERIOUSLY, JESUS."

I INSISTED.

"WHO JOINED US ON OUR WALK?"

SHEEPISHLY, THE LORD CAME

CLEAN.

[BILL] (AS JESUS)

"MY CHILD, AS WE WALKED

I BECAME BORED OF YOUR BANAL

RAMBLINGS. CURIOUS TO SEE IF YOU

COULD EVER BE INTERESTING,

I SUMMOND DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF

YOU, FROM ALTERNATE UNIVERSES.

WHY, THERE WAS BIRD-YOU

AND FISH-YOU,

AND YOU WITH ZIPPERS FOR EYES

AND A BUTTON FLY FOR A MOUTH.

AND THEY WERE ALL DEAD BORING.

TO LIVEN THINGS UP,

I CONVINCED GORILLA-YOU

TO SLEEP WITH LADY-YOU.

YOU-YOU FOUND THIS QUITE

DISTURBING. SO I TURNED YOU INTO

A HAT AND I WORE YOU."

[BILL] SHAKEN, I CRIED,

"JESUS, YOU SAID IF I WALKED

WITH YOU, YOU'D NEVER FORSAKE

ME."

[BILL] (AS JESUS)

"FORSAKE YOU, MY SON?"

[BILL] GASPED JESUS.

[BILL] (AS JESUS)

"NO, I SAVED YOU.

WHEN NAZI-YOU TRIED TO TAKE

OVER THE BEACH, AND

ANNEX-GAY-JEWISH-GYPSY-YOU,

I SENT EVERYONE HOME.

AND I WAS ALONE,

AND TRULY BORED.

BUT THEN, I CAUGHT MY

REFLECTION IN A PASSING WAVE

AND I LAUGHED.

I FORGOT, YOU WERE STILL WITH

ME ON MY HEAD AS THE MOST

INTERESTING OF HATS:

A WOVEN, STRAW BERET,

WITH A NECK-FLAP LIKE A CLOTH

MULLET.

OH MY SON, I COULD NEVER

FORSAKE YOU.

[■■]

[ANDREW] NO COFFEE?

OH, HOW AM I GOING TO WAKE UP?

[■■]

[■■]

[■■]

>>PREVIOUSLY ON PICNICFACE...

[ANDREW] YOU REALIZE YOU CREATED

YOUR OWN STALKER, RIGHT?

[BILL] IF YOU'RE GONNA GET

MURDERED, IT'S NICE TO BE

MURDERED FOR LOVE.

[ANDREW] MAYBE I'LL BE THE

POPULAR ONE NOW.

[MARK] AH!

[MARK] OH! BILL?

[■■]

[ALPHONSO] GUESS WHO?

[MARK] UH, ALPHONSO?

[ALPHONSO] BINGO! ALPHONSO!

[MARK] OH... 'KAY.

[ALPHONSO] SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP

TO?

[MARK] WAITING FOR THE BUS.

[ALPHONSO] AWESOME.

I LOVE BUSES.

[MARK] OKAY, GOOD.

ALRIGHT, THERE'S SOMETHING

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT,

AND I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS

THE WRONG WAY.

[ALPHONSO] I'M GOING AS YOU FOR

HALLOWEEN.

[MARK] UH... YEAH.

I SEE YOU ALREADY DID THE HAIR.

[ALPHONSO] OH, YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

[MARK] UGH! DON'T TOUCH MINE.

UM...

YOU ARE STALKING ME.

[ALPHONSO] (LAUGHS)

I'M NOT STALKING YOU.

[ALPHONSO] I'M JUST ANOTHER ONE

OF YOUR WACKY TEENAGED FANS.

[MARK] HOW OLD ARE YOU?

[ALPHONSO] I'M 15.

[MARK] YOU'RE NOT, LIKE, 30?

[ALPHONSO] (LAUGHS)

NO, I'M 15.

GOD, I'LL BE DEAD BY THE TIME

I'M 30.

BECAUSE I WILL HAVE FINISHED

EVERYTHING I'M HERE TO DO.

[MARK] OKAY. UM...

IT'S JUST YOU'VE GOT A VERY BIG

BEARD FOR SOMEONE WHO IS--

[ALPHONSO] MY DAD'S AMERICAN.

[MARK] HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

IF I ASKED YOU TO PLEASE STOP

STALKING ME?

OKAY. HMM...

YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR MOUTH?

WHERE YOU'RE MOUTHING THE WORDS

THAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH. THAT THING RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S A CREEPY THING.

YOU FRIGHTEN ME.

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

[ALPHONSO] SORRY.

SORRY.

[MARK] (SIGHS)

HEY!

I'M SOR-- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I'M SORRY.

THAT HALLOWEEN COSTUME MIGHT

NEED A JACKET.

THINK OF IT AS SORT OF A GOING

AWAY GIFT.

GOING FAR, FAR AWAY.

[ALPHONSO] AWESOME! THANK YOU.

[MARK] ENJOY THE JACKET.

(DOG BARKING)

[COP] WHAT IS IT GIRL?

[ALPHONSO] OH!

OH HI DOGGIE. HI.

[COP] SORRY. SHE DOESN'T USUALLY

GET SO EXCITED UNLESS THERE ARE

DRUGS AROUND.

[ALPHONSO] THAT'S OKAY.

[COP] BAILEY, SIT.

[COP] SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT WHEN

SHE REACTS I HAVE TO CHECK IT

OUT.

[ALPHONSO] SURE.

[COP] OKAY, WHAT IS THIS?

[ALPHONSO] OH, THAT'S NOT MINE.

[COP] COCAINE.

[ALPHONSO] MARK?

[COP] YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

[ALPHONSO] MARK!

[COP] YOU'RE GOING AWAY FOR A

LONG TIME, BUDDY.

[ALPHONSO] MARK LITTLE,

I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!

[MARK] SO IN THE END IT ALL

WORKED OUT.

[ANDREW] MARK, YOU PUT THAT GUY

IN PRISON. DON'T YOU THINK HE'S

GOING TO BE A LITTLE BIT ANGRY?

[MARK] OH, HE'LL BE IN THERE FOR

YEARS.

[BRIAN] SHH!

THE BABY'S SLEEPING.

[BILL] HOW'RE YOU DOING, KYLE?

[KYLE] I'M GREAT.

ACTUALLY HAD THAT GIRL'S BABY.

[KYLE] WELL, IT IS THE FUTURE,

CHERYL.

[BILL] I GUESS IT IS.

[BILL] WHO'S THE FUTURE?

WHO'S THE FUTURE?

YOU ARE.

>>(AS BILL) WHO'S THE FUTURE?

WHO'S THE FUTURE?

PRETTY YOU.

[EVANY] OH NO. UH, MARK?

THE, UH, LETTER WHERE ALPHONSO

SAYS HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU?

IT'S WRITTEN ON CUMBERVILLE

[■■]

[■■]

[DIRECTOR] AND ACTION!

[MARK] PLEASE...

[EVANY] (COUGHING)

[SCOTT] CHRISTOPHER!

YOU CALL ME CHRISTOPHER!

[DIRECTOR] CHRISTOPHER.

CHRISTOPHER--

[SCOTT] DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

(CRACK)

[SCOTT] (SCREAMING)

[EVANY] (COUGHING)

(CRACK)

[MARK] (GRUNTING)

[EVANY] THIS FLOOR SMELLS LIKE

BEEF.

[DIRECTOR] ALRIGHT, LET'S WORK

TOGETHER HERE. OKAY?

ANY FRUIT IN FRONT OF YOU...

[SCOTT] ARE YOU F---ING KIDDING

ME?!

I'M OUT!