Original subtitles

[■■]

[EVANY] SO, TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

AND THE GANG'S TAKING ME TO

KARAOKE. I'M SUPER EXCITED.

[ANDREW] YEAH, WE'RE NOT COMING,

EV.

[EVANY] HE'S JOKING.

UH, Y'ALL SAID YOU'D COME.

[KYLE] YEAH, I KNOW.

WE CHANGED OUR MINDS BECAUSE

KARAOKE IS STUPID.

WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS PUZZLE

INSTEAD.

[EVANY] A PUZZLE?

[KYLE] HEY, EV, WHAT SONG ARE

YOU GONNA DO AT KARAOKE?

[EVANY] I DON'T KNOW, KYLE.

[KYLE] ARE YOU GONNA DO

"KARAOKE'S STUPID - THE SONG"?

[EVANY] THAT'S NOT A SONG.

[KYLE] ...BY ARTIST?

[EVANY] WHAT'S WRONG WITH

KARAOKE?

[CHERYL] NOTHING, IT'S FINE.

[EVANY] RIGHT?

[CHERYL] IT'S YOU. YOU JUST HAVE

A FEW REALLY ANNOYING QUALITIES.

[EVANY] WHA-- I-- LIKE WHAT?

[CHERYL] YOU CALL PEPSI,

"BROWN POP".

[EVANY] IT IS BROWN POP!

[SCOTT] YOU'RE AFRAID OF

EVERYTHING, EV.

[SCOTT] I'M NOT AFRAID OF

EVERYTHING.

LOW FLYING PLANES,

TREE-SIZE TEST PLANTS,

BANGS. YOUR OWN BANGS.

[EVANY] I'M NOT AFRAID OF MY

OWN--

[SCOTT] TOUCH THEM. GO AHEAD.

[EVANY] I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH

[SCOTT] BLEH!

[EVANY] (SCREAM)

[ANDREW] IT'S MOSTLY YOUR

ACCENT.

[EVANY] WHAT? WHAT?

[ANDREW] HERE, THERE IS IT.

RIGHT THERE.

[EVANY] WHAT ACCENT?

[ANDREW] THERE. YOUR ACCENT.

PEOPLE JUST FIND IT KIND OF

GRATING.

[EVANY] I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT.

[SCOTT] "I DON'T HAVE AC-CENT".

[ANDREW] EXACTLY.

[BILL] I THINK YOUR WORST TRAIT

IS THE FACT THAT YOU BURP

AND SAY "EXCUSE ME",

AND BLEND THE TWO THINGS

TOGETHER.

LIKE: (BURPS) "EXCUSE ME".

THAT'S GROSS.

[EVANY] I DON'T HAVE A FAT FACE!

[SCOTT] NOBODY LIKES YOU.

[EVANY] WELL, I GUESS THAT'S MY

BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S IT.

[CHERYL] I'LL GO TO KARAOKE.

[EVANY] YOU WILL?

[CHERYL] YES.

[CHERYL] BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOUR

LIFE MAKES ME REALLY SAD.

[EVANY] I WILL TAKE IT.

[■■]

[CHILDREN] MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC!

MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC!

(EERIE MUSIC)

(CLAPPING)

[BRIAN] THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY

SENSE.

(EERIE MUSIC)

[BRIAN] IT MAKES NO SENSE AT

[■■]

[SCOTT] MY NAME IS "SCOTT",

BUT I'M THINKING ABOUT CHANGING

IT FROM "SCOTT"

TO "SCOTT DOT-DOT-DOT,

DOT-DOT-DOT,

DOT-DOT-DOT,

EXCLAMATION MARK",

SO THAT WHEN I INTRODUCE MYSELF

[■■]

NIGHTMARE. THAT AIRPORT THEY

HAVE THERE IS JUST THE PITS. I

SPENT, LIKE, 90 MINUTES WAITING

FOR MY BAG. THERE WAS A DELAY ON

THE FLIGHT BETWEEN THERE AND

HOUSTON, AND IT WAS JUST LIKE...

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

[DIANE] WHEN I WAS IN HIGH

SCHOOL, UH, I HAD A FRIEND PETE.

AND HE AND I MADE THIS SILLY

LITTLE PACT THAT IF, UH, WE BOTH

TURNED 30 AND WE WEREN'T

MARRIED, WE WOULD MARRY EACH

OTHER.

[JOHN] OKAY.

[DIANE] UM, I TURNED 30 WHILE

YOU WERE IN DENVER.

[PETE] DIANE?

[DIANE] IN HERE, PETE.

[DIANE] YOU SHOUD--

YOU SHOULD MEET HIM.

[PETE] OH, HEY HONEY.

OOH! HOW YOU DOIN'?

[DIANE] I'M GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?

(SMOOCH)

[PETE] HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

[DIANE] IT WAS-- IT WAS GOOD.

UM, PETE, THIS IS JOHN.

[PETE] (SCREAM)

SORRY, JOHN.

FOR A SECOND THERE I THOUGHT

YOUR MUSTACHE WAS AN EYEBROW

AND YOUR MOUTH WAS YOUR EYE.

[PETE] OH, HONEY...

[DIANE] YEAH?

[PETE] I FOUND YOU SOMETHING.

JUST WAIT. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

[DIANE] I CAN'T WAIT.

MAN, DIANE?

[DIANE] YEAH, I DID. IT'S NOT

LIKE YOU ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU.

[JOHN] I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS ON

THE CLOCK AGAINST A CRAZY HOBO!

[DIANE] HE'S NOT A CRAZY HOBO.

HIS LIFE TOOK SOME WEIRD TURNS

AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, BUT I MADE A

PROMISE.

[JOHN] NOBODY KEEPS THE PROMISES

THEY MAKE IN HIGH SCHOOL DIANE!

IF I DID THAT I'D BE LIVING IN

AMSTERDAM RIGHT NOW WITH

BODIE AND JAY-JAY!

BODIE AND JAY-JAY?

[JOHN] YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THEM.

[PETE] ARE THEY BIRDS?

YEAH, BODIE AND JAY-JAY

I KNOW ARE BIRDS.

YOU'D LIKE BODIE, JOHN.

OH YEAH.

YOU GUYS WOULD GET ALONG REAL

WELL.

DIANE, HERE IS IT HONEY.

[DIANE] IS THIS HALF A SHIRT?

[PETE] MMM HMM. TRY IT ON.

YEAH, A GUY WAS RUNNING BY ME

WITH IT ON TODAY,

SO I FOUND IT OFF HIM.

[DIANE/PETE] (CHUCKLE)

[PETE] GIVE THAT A LITTLE TRY.

OH NO.

OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,

I STRAPPED THUMPY ON.

[DIANE] NO PROBLEM.

(DOG PANTING)

[JOHN] HE'S STRAPPED YOUR DOG

THUMPY... TO HIS BACK.

[DIANE] THUMPY IS PETER'S GHOST

ALARM.

[PETE] YEAH, HE'S A GOOD GHOST

ALARM. HE LETS ME KNOW IF GHOSTS

ARE SNEAKING UP ON ME.

[JOHN] YOU MARRIED A CRAZY

PERSON!

[PETE] NO, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

I'VE BEEN CALLED WORSE.

ASK ME "BY WHO".

[JOHN] WHO-- WHO HAS CALLED YOU

WORSE?

[PETE] PRESIDENT ROBERT F.

KENNEDY.

[JOHN] THERE'S NO WAY THIS MAN

KNOWS ANY OF THE KENNEDY'S.

[PETE] OH, I KNOW ALL OF THE

KENNEDY'S.

JOHN.

BOBBY.

O'TOOLE.

BARRY.

SUSAN.

SUSAN F. KENNEDY.

[JOHN] SUSAN F. KENNEDY.

[PETE] SHE WAS A QUEEN.

[RALPH] HEY PETE.

[PETE] OH HEY, RALPH.

[RALPH] DIANE. HOW'RE THINGS?

[PETE] OH, UH, DIANE, IS IT OKAY

IF RALPH AND I WATCH THE GAME

HERE TONIGHT?

[DIANE] UH, SURE. YOU KNOW THAT

TV DOESN'T WORK.

[PETE] THAT'S OKAY. WE'LL FIGURE

SOMETHING OUT.

[RALPH] (GIGGLES)

[DIANE] 'KAY...

[PETE] 'KAY...

(GROANING)

OKAY, THEY LINE UP AT CENTER

ICE AND THE REFEREE DROPS

THE PUCK, AND WE ARE UNDERWAY.

[JOHN] CAN I SEE YOU FOR

2 MINUTES, PLEASE?

[PETE] OH, THERE THEY GO.

THEY'RE PASSING IT THROUGH THE

NEUTRAL ZONE. HE PASSES IT...

[JOHN] DIANE, I LOVE YOU. IF

THIS IS ABOUT MARRIAGE, LET'S

JUST GET MARRIED! IS THIS REALLY

THE LIFE YOU WANT?

[PETE] TAKES A SHOT...

OH, THAT'S A NICE SAVE.

OH, NICE SAVE!

[DIANE] MAYBE IT IS.

[PETE] WHAT A SAVE! (GIGGLES)

[DIANE] MAYBE ALL I'VE EVER

WANTED IS TO WITNESS LIFE

THROUGH THE FILTER OF AN ODDLY,

CHILDLIKE, HOBO, NAMED "PETE".

(DOG BARKING)

[RALPH] OH! GHOSTS!

(DOG BARKING)

[RALPH] GHOSTS!

(DOG BARKING)

[PETE] THERE'S ONE!

[■■]

[JEFF] (SINGING)

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M BY MYSELF,

I THINK OF YOU.

[CHERYL] THIS PLACE IS LAME.

[JEFF] (SINGING)

AND ALL THE FUN TIMES WE HAD.

[EVANY] DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?

[CHERYL] WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

[EVANY] SCOTT SAID IT, LIKE,

RIGHT INTO MY FACE.

[CHERYL] YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD

CHEER YOU UP?

[EVANY] WHAT?

[CHERYL] A DUET OF YOUR

FAVOURITE PUBLIC DOMAIN SONG.

[EVANY] YOU DIDN'T.

[CHERYL] I DID.

(EERIE MUSIC)

[KARAOKE HOST] EVANY AND CHERYL.

YOUR TIME HAS COME.

(EERIE MUSIC)

[CHERYL] WELL, I GUESS OUR

TIME FOR SINGING HAS COME.

(EERIE MUSIC)

(CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM)

[EVANY/CHERYL] O CANADA,

OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND,

TRUE PATRIOT LOVE...

...IN ALL THY SONS COMMAND.

WITH GLOWING HEARTS

WE SEE THEE RISE...

THE TRUE NORTH

STRONG AND FREE...

(CREEPY LAUGHTER)

[ANDREW] (DEMONIC VOICE)

[■■]

(CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM)

[CHERYL] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHERE'S THE OTHER DJ?

[KARAOKE HOST] EVANY AND CHERYL,

EVERYBODY. EVANY AND CHERYL.

[AUDIENCE] (CLAPPING)

[CHERYL] LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[EVANY] OKAY.

[KARAOKE HOST] ALRIGHT, COMING

UP NEXT IS JEFF.

IS, UH, JEFF ANYWHERE?

(SWELLING MUSIC)

[CHILDREN] (CHEERING)

[BRIAN] I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE

[MARK] YES!

(MIMICS PLAYING FLUTE)

YEAH!

[KYLE] WHA-- WHAT WAS THAT?

[MARK] IT'S "AIR FLUTE".

[KYLE] AIR FLUTE?

[MARK] YEAH.

[KYLE] THERE'S NO AIR FLUTE,

MAN. IT'S "AIR GUITAR".

(MIMICS PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR)

[MARK] UH...

ALRIGHT.

[MARK] (FLUTE)

[■■]

■HEY YO,

I'M MAN'S BEST FRIEND■

■AND I'M HERE TO SAY

YOU'RE ALL INVITED TO

A D-O-G PARTAY■

■IT'S A DOG P-A-R-T-Y

DOG P-A-R-T-Y■

■SO BRING YOUR CHIPS

AND BRING YOUR DIP■

[■■]

[MOM] DON'T YOU BREAK ANY HEARTS

AT THAT DANCE SCHOOL OF YOURS.

[SON] MOM!

[BILL] HE'S THE BEST WE'VE EVER

SEEN.

[BRIAN] HE'S THE BEST ANYONE'S

[■■]

>>I'M VERY SORRY MRS. NEWMAN,

BUT YOUR SON HAS BEEN IN A CAR

ACCIDENT.

(CRASH)

(POLICE SIRENS)

>>HE'S PARALYZED...

[MOM] (STIFLED CRY)

>>...FROM THE WAIST UP.

[■■]

[EVANY] DOES YOUR FRIEND DANCE?

[SCOTT] HE USED TO.

[KYLE] CAN YOU DANCE, CRIPPLE?

HE CAN'T EVEN MOVE HIS UPPER

BODY! HA HA!

[KYLE] WHAT YOU GOT REVERSE

PARAPLEGIC?

[■■]

[SCOTT] HERE COMES THE

[■■]

[SCOTT] BORN TO TILT-A-TWIRL!

[■■]

(SIRENS)

>>I'M VERY SORRY, MRS. NEWMAN.

BUT YOUR SON HAS BEEN IN

ANOTHER CAR ACCIDENT.

[MOM] NO!

>>HE'S PARALYZED...

...FROM THE ANKLES UP.

[■■]

[CHILDREN] (CLAPPING)

[BRIAN] WHERE DID IT GO?

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

WAS IT YOU?

DID YOU--

[CHILDREN] (CHEERING)

(CLAPPING)

[BRIAN] HOW DID YOU--

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

DID YOU DO THIS?

[CHILD] (SLO MO LAUGHING)

[BRIAN] (SOBBING)

WHY?

WHY!?

[■■]

[SCOTT] IF YOU HAVE AN INFINITE

NUMBER OF MONKEYS, TYPING AT AN

INFINITE NUMBER OF TYPEWRITERS,

ONE OF THOSE MONKEYS WILL WRITE

THE PERFECT NOVEL. THAT'S A

MATHEMATICAL FACT. BUT IF WE

ACCEPT THAT, THEN WE MUST ALSO

ACCEPT THAT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE

MONKEYS WILL WRITE THE PERFECT

NOVEL, BUT THE LAST LINE WILL BE

"OPRAH AND ALBERT FINNEY RING

CROTCH BELLS, MIDNIGHT IBM,

[■■]

>>YOU PULL UP TO A RED LIGHT

IN YOUR MINI-VAN AND SIGH, THE

WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR

SHOULDERS.

(GROAN)

A MINI-VAN? HOW DID YOU END

UP IN A MINI-VAN?

YOU GLANCE OVER AND SEE A

GUY IN A NEW PORSCHE. HE LOOKS

CONFIDENT, COOL. HE'S WEARING

SUNGLASSES. YOU LOOK DOWN AT

WHAT YOU'RE WEARING: LITTLE

OVERALLS, A WHITE-KNITTED CAP.

HECK, YOU'VE GOT TO SIT ON A

STACK OF PHONE BOOKS JUST TO SEE

OVER THE STEERING WHEEL.

YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE OF YOUR

FACE IN THE MIRROR. YUP. THAT'S

THE FACE OF A BABY.

YOU START TO THINK ABOUT ALL

THE DECISIONS THAT LED TO THIS

MOMENT:

GETTING MARRIED EARLY,

MOVING TO THE SUBURBS,

BUYING THE MINI-VAN,

RUNNING OVER THAT GYPSY'S

DAUGHTER,

GETTING CURSED TO INHABIT

THE BODY OF A BABY FOREVER.

YOU LOOK UP AND SEE THE

PORSCHE DRIVER STARING AT YOU,

TALKING ON HIS PHONE. HE'S

PROBABLY CALLING THE COPS

BECAUSE HE THINKS A BABY TOOK

OFF IN HIS PARENTS' MINI-VAN.

YOU PICTURE THE NEXT FOUR HOURS

OF YOUR LIFE SPENT EXPLAINING TO

THE COPS THAT, YES, YOU'RE THAT

BABY. THE ONE WHO WAS IN ALL THE

NEWSPAPERS. THE ONE WHO WAS

CURSED BY THE GYPSY.

AND AS YOU THINK ABOUT THIS,

THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN, AND YOU

WATCH THE PORSCHE DRIVE AWAY.

[■■]

[CHERYL] THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THE KIDS HAD A GREAT TIME.

DO YOU HAVE A BUSINESS CARD?

[BRIAN] NO, I DON'T.

[CHERYL] (GIGGLE)

THANKS.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

[BRIAN] HELP ME.

[CHERYL] I'M SORRY?

[BRIAN] I JUST...

I'M GONNA GO.

(CLANGING)

[CHERYL] YOU JUST...

LIFT AND PULL.

TAH-DAH!

(LAUGH)

IT'S MAGIC.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

[■■]

"CALM DOWN"?!

OKAY, HOW COULD I CALM DOWN

[CHERYL] OKAY, LOOK, EVANY, IT'S

PROBABLY JUST A PRANK VIDEO.

[EVANY] A PRANK VIDEO?!

WE WERE IN IT!

[CHERYL] YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN DO

ANYTHING WITH DIGITAL EDITING

THESE DAYS, YOU KNOW?

[EVANY] WAS THIS ALL SOME PLOY?

[CHERYL] WHAT?

[EVANY] WHERE YOU PRETEND TO BE

MY FRIEND, AND THEN YOU STAB ME?

[CHERYL] WHAT?

[EVANY] I DON'T KNOW.

[CHERYL] OKAY, EVANY, IF I WAS

GOING TO STAB YOU,

WHICH I'M NOT.

[EVANY] OKAY.

[CHERYL] OKAY? SO COOL IT.

A) WHY WOULD I TELL YOU ABOUT

IT IN A VIDEO THAT BACKED OUR

KARAOKE DUET?

AND B) WHY WOULD I PUT ALL

THAT WEIRD SHIT IN THERE?

I MEAN, BRIAN WAS A BIRD,

AND ANDY WAS A...

CHEF?

[EVANY] I DON'T--

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST, IT'S BEEN

SUCH A WEIRD DAY.

[CHERYL] YEAH.

[EVANY] EVERYONE CALLING ME

"FAT".

[CHERYL] WELL, YOU'RE NOT FAT,

OKAY?

[EVANY] THANK YOU.

[CHERYL] AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,

SO JUST BE HAPPY.

[EVANY] YIPPEE. CAN'T WAIT.

WHOOPEE.

[EVANY] IT'S JUST LIKE NOBODY

DID ANYTHING.

(GASP)

[THE BOYS] SURPRISE!

[EVANY] THANK YOU GUYS, SO MUCH.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

[KYLE] (SLO MO) WE KNOW HOW

MUCH YOU LIKE BIRDS,

SO WE THREW YOU A BIRD THEMED

PARTY.

[BILL] (SLO MO) GET IT?

"BIRD-DAY".

IT'S YOUR BIRD-DAY!

[BRIAN] (SQUAWKING)

[MARK] (SLO MO) IT'S THE BEST.

[EVANY] (SCREAM)

[ANDREW] (SLO MO) YOUR GOOSE IS

COOKED!

[CHERYL] EVANY, I KNOW WHAT

THIS LOOKS LIKE, BUT IT'S JUST A

COINCIDENCE, OKAY?

I'M NOT GOING TO STAB YOU.

[EVANY] I CAN'T TAKE THAT

[■■]

[ANDREW] (SLO MO) HAPPY

BIRTHDAY!

GOOSE!

[CHERLY] (GASPS)

[EVANY] HEY, BIG GUY.

OW!

[CHERYL] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU STABBED ME.

OKAY, YOU CAN'T ASK WHY

NO ONE LIKES YOU, AND THEN STAB

A PERSON.

[EVANY] I'M SORRY.

[MARK] EV'S THE WORST.

[EVANY] I--

[BILL] NOBODY LIKES YOU.

[SCOTT] DOCTOR?

HOW'S BRIAN DOING?

[DOCTOR] YOUR FRIEND SEEMS TO BE

STUCK IN SLOW MOTION.

[BRIAN] (SLO MO) THIS IS AWFUL.

THIS SUCKS!

LOOK!

TAKES FOREVER TO PEE.

[CHERYL] DID YOU GUYS AT LEAST

FINISH THE PUZZLE?

[MARK] ALMOST.

BUT WE COULDN'T FIND THE LAST

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

(FLATLINING)

[EVANY] CHERYL, NO!

WHA-- WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

[BILL] OH MY GOD!

[ALL] (SCREAMING)