Original subtitles

[■■]

[CHERYL] HEY GUYS, CHERYL HERE.

UM, WE RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT

SCOTT VROOMAN...

[CHERYL] ...USED TO BE THE HOST

OF A KID'S TV SHOW CALLED

"BOOFY RICE CAKES".

[CHERYL] GOOD TITLING JOB.

[SCOTT] BOOFY RICE CAKES?

OH MAN.

[CHERYL] I THOUGHT MAYBE...

[SCOTT] I'M EMBARRASSED.

SHOULD GET TO SEE IT.

[SCOTT] YEAH. I HAVEN'T SEEN A

CLIP IN, LIKE, 10 YEARS. SURE.

[SCOTT] YEAH. THAT'D BE FUN.

[SCOTT] HEY BOOFY. I'M HAVING A

PRETTY HARD TIME WITH MY MATH

HOMEWORK. ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO

HELP ME?

[BOOFY] SURE THING SCOTT.

HOW ABOUT A SONG?

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

[BOOFY] HOLY F---!

WHAT THE F--- MAN!

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

[BOOFY] PUPPETS F---ING RUINED!

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

[■■]

[SCOTT] (WRENCHING)

[SCOTT] WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!

[CHERYL] IT'S GOT LIKE A MILLION

HITS ON YOUTUBE.

(LAUGHING)

YOU IDIOT.

[SCOTT] THAT WAS NEVER

BROADCAST.

[CHERYL] OH MAN, THERE ARE SO

MANY REMIXES.

[SCOTT] THERE'S REMIXES?

[CHERYL] OH, SO MANY.

[BOOFY] SURE THING SCOTT.

HOW ABOUT A SONG--

[■■]

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

[CHERYL] (LAUGHS)

[SCOTT] THAT WASN'T FUNNY.

THAT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY.

THAT WAS JUST MEAN.

[CHERYL] NO, MILLIONS OF YOUTUBE

VIEWERS DISAGREE WITH YOU.

HOT MILLIONS.

[SCOTT] WHAT WAS THAT HAMSTER?

THAT WASN'T...

[CHERYL] WHAT?

THAT WAS THE BEST PART.

[■■]

■CENTAURS HALF A MAN,

HALF A HORSE, ALL INCREDIBLE■

■CENTAURS,

WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE?■

■WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE ONE?■

■I LIKE TREVOR,

HE'S MYSTERIOUS■

■AND WE BOTH LIKE JAZZ■

■I LIKE DAVE,

HE'S DIVIDED WRONG■

■AND I FEEL BAD FOR HIM■

■HIM■

■FEEL BAD FOR HIM■

[JOHN] OH, WHY WON'T THESE PILLS

WORK? JUST GO TO SLEEP, JOHN.

■WEE WILLY WINKY■

■SLIDE DOWN MY CHIMNEY■

[JOHN] (SINGS) AND PUT ME...

TO... SLEEP.

[JOHN] WEE WILLY WINKY!

[WILLY] AND MY MINSTREL,

THE HARPIST.

[HARPIST] HEY.

[JOHN] HI.

[HARPIST] HI.

SLEEPING, YOU KNOW?

[JOHN] I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO

DRIFT OFF.

[WILLY] BUT IN SLEEP, YOU CAN

BE...

[WILLY] ...A BASEBALL PLAYER.

(CHEERING)

[WILLY] OR SOMEBODY'S ELBOW.

(CHEERING)

[HARPIST] OR KIDNAP A MAN.

[JOHN] WHAT?

[HARPIST] OR YOU COULD KIDNAP A

MAN.

[WILLY] WITH MY MOON-DUST,

I PUT YOU TO SLEEP.

(HARP)

[WILLY] WHAT WAS THAT BACK

THERE?

[WILLY] THE KIDNAP THING?

[HARPIST] I DUNNO.

[WILLY] IT WAS KINDA CREEPY.

[HARPIST] YEAH.

[WILLY] YOU KNOW WE'RE WORKING,

RIGHT?

[HARPIST] YEAH, YEAH.

[WILLY] LET'S GO.

[HARPIST] YEAH, I'LL BE THERE IN

A SEC. I'M JUST GONNA TUCK THIS

GUY IN.

[WILLY] YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD HOW

YOU DO THAT.

[HARPIST] YEAH, YEAH.

[HARPIST] (SINGS) ONE DAY

I'LL HAVE A MAN OF MY OWN.

[WILLY] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD,

LET'S GO NOW, PLEASE.

[HARPIST] YEAH, I'LL BE THERE IN

A SECOND.

[WILLY] NO YOU WON'T.

YOU'LL COME WITH ME.

[HARPIST] NO, I'LL MEET YOU

THERE.

THERE FIRST, I'M GONNA GET THERE

FIRST. LET'S GO NOW.

[HARPIST] FINE, I'LL GO. GOING

NOW.

[WILLY] YEAH, PLEASE, I WOULD

LIKE THAT.

[HARPIST] LET'S GO. I'M WAITING

FOR YOU NOW.

[WILLY] OH, YOU'RE WAITING FOR

ME NOW?

[HARPIST] NOW, NOW.

IT'S GOING NOW, NOW.

[WILLY] YOU THINK IT'S SO...

(FILM PROJECTOR)

[■■]

■BEAR DANCE■

■BEAR, BEAR DANCE■

■BEAR DANCE■

■BEAR, BEAR DANCE■

■IT'S A BEAR DANCE■

■BEAR, BEAR DANCE■

■JUST LIKE A SQUARE DANCE,

BUT MORE LIKE A BEAR DANCE■

■GET DOWN FOR THE BEAR DANCE.

[■■]

[SCOTT] HEY EVERYONE, I KNOW WE

ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH EARLIER AT

ME IN "BOOFY RICE CAKES", AND I

DON'T WANT TO BE A PARTY POOPER,

BUT THOSE KINDS OF LAUGHS COME

AT AN EXPENSE. AND THAT EXPENSE

IS MY FEELINGS. I KNOW IT IS A

MIRACLE THAT I--

■--LE THAT I■

■...AM ON TELEVISION■

■PARTY POOPER■

■RICE CAKES■

■PARTY POOPER■

■RICE CAKES■

■I--I-I--I--I--I--I--I--I--I■

■POO■

■RICE CAKES■

■I...■

■POO...■

■RICE CAKES■

■I...■

■POO...■

■RICE CAKES■

■I...■

■POO...■

■MIRACLES■

■I...■

■POO...■

■MIRACLES■

■I...■

■POO...■

■EVERYONE■

■EVERYONE■

■EVERYONE■

[SCOTT] HOW DID THAT GET

REMIXED?!

[BRIAN] (LAUGHING) THAT WAS

GREAT!

[SCOTT] I DON'T UNDERSTAND--

(VOMITING)

[BRIAN] WHOA! SCOTT!

(LAUGHING)

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

ONLINE.

■...LINE■

■L-L-L-L-L-L-LINE■

■I...■

■POO■

■I--I...■

■WANNABE...■

[SCOTT/CHERYL] (LAUGHING)

BATHROOM, BUT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK

AND I'D LOVE TO HEAR ANOTHER

JOKE.

[SCOTT] ABSOLUTELY.

TONS.

27 OF THEM.

■WEE WILLY WINKY■

[WILLY] HEY.

[SCOTT] HEY, WEE WILLY WINKY,

HARPIST.

[HARPIST] HOW'S IT GOING?

[SCOTT] GOOD. JUST ON A DATE.

SLEEPING.

[SCOTT] GUYS, THIS ISN'T MY

BEDTIME... ANYMORE. I'M 32.

[WILLY] IT'S LATE.

[SCOTT] I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE

IN A YEAR.

[WILLY] BUT I CAN SEE THE MOON.

[SCOTT] LISTEN, MAN, I NEED

THIS.

(HARP)

[CHERYL] WHAT--

(SCREAMING)

[WILLY] WHAT WAS THAT? YOU DON'T

HAVE ANY MOON-DUST.

[HARPIST] IT WAS SALT.

[WILLY] YOU BLEW SALT IN HER

EYES?

[HARPIST] YEAH, YEAH.

[WILLY] I-- I GOT A LOT OF

THINKING TO DO ABOUT YOU, MAN.

[HARPIST] (SINGS) ONE DAY

I'LL HAVE A MAN OF MY OWN...

[WILLY] CAN WE PLEASE JUST

LEAVE?

[HARPIST] YEAH, LET'S GO.

JUST GONNA TAKE THIS SALT.

USE THE SALT FOR?

[HARPIST] I'M GONNA GO SALT THIS

WAITRESS.

[WILLY] NO YOU ARE NOT!

[HARPIST] SHE GAVE ME LIP.

[WILLY] SHE GAVE YOU LIP, SO

YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW SALT IN HER

EYES?

[HARPIST] YEAH. I'LL CHECK 'EM

OUT.

[■■]

■SUSAN, SUSAN■

■SUSAN IS A LADY CENTAUR■

[■■]

[BILL] IT'S NOT EASY BEING A

MAN. THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

DANGLING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

THE RESPONSIBILITY IS

STAGGERING.

BUSY NAKED FIGHTING.

BUSY NAKED DANCING.

BUSY TALKING TO LADY-CAT-BIRDS.

MEN BARELY HAVE TIME TO BALANCE

A CANDY DISH ON THEIR DINK

ANYMORE.

LUCKILY WE'RE NOT ALONE.

WE'VE GOT LADIES TO HELP US.

DISHES, THEY HELP NEGOTIATE WITH

THE NAKED BUTCHER, THEY EVEN

HELP PULL OFF OUR WIGS. SO BE

KIND TO OUR LADIES, MEN. DON'T

HOLD HER BACK. IF SHE WANTS

FIGHT SOMEONE, LET HER AT THEM.

AND ALSO, MAKE SURE SHE HAS

PLENTY OF TIME IN THE

CHANGETORIA, TO TOUCH BUMS WITH

FRIENDS. A HAPPY LADY WILL COME

RUSHING BACK WITH SALAD TONGS,

[SCOTT] IS EVERYBODY HERE?

JOSH? ARE YOU ON SPEAKER?

[JOSH] YEAH.

CHICAGO?

[JOSH] OH, IT'S GREAT IF YOU

LIKE RAIN. HA HA HA...

[SCOTT] OKAY, WELL LET'S GET

STARTED.

(CHEERING)

[SCOTT] ALAN MITCHELL WAS A

CO-WORKER AND A SENIOR NETWORK

ADMINISTRATOR. I THOUGHT THE

BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE WHAT ALAN

MEANT TO US WOULD BE TO USE HIS

OWN WORDS. SO I CONVERTED HIS

COVER LETTER FOR HIS RESUME INTO

THE PAST TENSE AND THE THIRD

PERSON.

[SCOTT] ALAN HAD EXCELLENT

COMMUNICATION AND INTERPERSONAL

SKILLS. HE PROACTIVELY SOUGHT TO

LEVERAGE HIS EXPERIENCE IN

NETWORK ADMINISTRATION WITHIN

THE FIELD OF BANKING AT THE

BRANCH LEVEL. HE WAS PROFICIENT

WITH MICROSOFT EXCEL.

[SCOTT] AND AS WE SEE FROM THIS

GRAPH, ALAN GAVE US SOME

PLEASURE WHEN HE STARTED WITH US

BACK IN 94. THIS INCREASED TO

MUCH PLEASURE OVER TIME, AS WE

KIND OF GOT TO KNOW HIM BETTER,

UH, BUT AS WE SEE HERE IN THE

CURRENT YEAR, THAT DROPS OFF

QUITE SHARPLY UPON HIS DEATH.

[SCOTT] ALAN ENJOYED ACRONYMS AS

MUCH AS THE REST OF US, SO I

MADE AN ACRONYM OUT OF HIS NAME

THAT I THOUGHT WAS APPROPRIATE.

[SCOTT] AVERAGE?

LAZY?

ARROGANT?

NOPE.

[SCOTT] ALAN WAS ONE OF THREE

ALANS IN OUR OFFICE. HE WAS

KNOWN AS ALAN NUMBER 3. AND I

ASKED HIM ONE DAY, "ALAN, YOU

WERE THE FIRST ALAN TO START

WORKING HERE. WHY AREN'T YOU

ALAN NUMBER ONE?" AND HE JUST

SAID, "NUMBER THREE IS FINE.

IT'S FINE."

[SCOTT] ALRIGHT, I THINK THAT'S

IT, SO...

[SPEAKER PHONE] "JOSH" HAS LEFT

[SCOTT] SORRY.

[■■]

[MITCH] HI, I'M MITCH LAPIERRE

OF "LAPIERRE'S WATERBEDS

AND OFFICE SUPPLIES".

LADIES, ARE YOU RECENTLY

DIVORCED, OR SINGLE?

WHAT YOU MAY NEED IS A

WATERBED, OR SOME OFFICE

SUPPLIES.

WHOA... A LITTLE TOO CLOSE...

A LITTLE TOO... WHOA,

BACK UP. BACK UP. BACK UP!

[■■]

[BRIAN/ANDY] WE WANT A GAME.

[BILL] ALRIGHT BOYS.

[■■]

(POOL BALLS)

[■■]

(POOL BALLS)

[MARK] NOT HOW I WOULDA DONE

[■■]

■HEY THERE PUPPY

YOU'RE A CENTAUR, TOO■

■YOU'RE A CENTAUR, TOO■

■HEY PUPPY, THAT'S YOU!■

■HEY PUPPY, THAT'S YOU!■

>>WHAT THE F--- DID YOU DO TO MY

DOG?!

WATER ALL YOUR PLANTS BY HAND?

[OLD MAN] YES.

>>DON'T YOU WISH THERE WAS A

PRODUCT THAT COULD WATER ALL

YOUR PLANTS FOR YOU WITH THE

SINGLE PRESS OF A BUTTON?

[OLD MAN] YES.

>>A PRODUCT SO SMALL IT COULD

FIT IN YOUR POCKET.

[OLD MAN] THAT SOUNDS VERY NICE.

WHAT'S THE PRODUCT?

>>ALL FOR JUST $29.99?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

[OLD MAN] HELLO?

ARE YOU STILL THERE.

[OLD MAN] OH NO.

WAS THIS ALL IN MY MIND?

>>ARE YOU TIRED OF HEARING AD

VOICES IN YOUR HEAD?

[OLD MAN] YES.

>>ARE TIRED OF NOT KNOWING

WHETHER YOU'RE IN AN

INFOMERCIAL?

[OLD MAN] YES, I AM.

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] YES.

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] YES.

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] WHO'S THERE?

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] HELLO?

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] HUH?

>>WHOA, MISSED ME.

>>ARE YOU TIRED?

[OLD MAN] OH...

>>ARE YOU TIRED--TIRED--TIRED--

>>I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

I'M YOUR NEW NEIGHBOUR.

MY NAME'S KARL,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME--

[DEMONIC VOICE] DARK LORD,

JESUS, SATAN, AND EVERYTHING.

I'M IN YOUR MIND AND I'M YOU

NOW.

[■■]

[SCOTT] (VOMITING)

(KEYBOARD)

[CHERYL] ■YOU GOT ME CHARMED

BABY-BOY,

YOU'RE LIKE A PAGAN MYSTIC■

■YOU GOT ME HOT

UNDER THE COLLAR

LIKE A DRAGON'S KISSES■

■WANNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE

ON A MOONLIT NIGHT■

■ON TWO UNTANGLE STEEDS,

YEAH, WE'LL RIDE PEGASUSES■

■I WANNA TAKE YOU HOME

AND CHAIN YOU TO MY RADIATOR■

■WANNA PUT SOME EGGS INSIDE YOU

LIKE AN INCUBATOR■

■WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS STRANGE,

EVEN A BIT DERANGED■

■I'VE GOT A SERIOUS EGG FETISH;

I'LL EXPLAIN THAT LATER■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS-EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--EGGS■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS

IN FRENCH THEY'RE CALLED

OUFFES■

■I LIKE EGGS--EGGS--EGGS--

(FILM PROJECTOR)

(CAR'S ENGINE)

(HARP)

■WEE WILLY WINKY■

[ANDREW] OH NO.

■SLIDE DOWN MY CHIMNEY■

[ANDREW] OH NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[HARPIST] HEY!

[ANDREW] OH JEEZ!

IT'S THE HARPIST.

[HARPIST] HEY.

[ANDREW] WHERE'S WEE WILLY

WINKY?

[HARPIST] I DUNNO.

[ANDREW] WELL, LISTEN, MY WIFE'S

IN THE HOSPITAL, AND SHE'S

HAVING A BABY, SO I'M TRYING TO

GET THERE. THAT'S WHY I'M UP.

[HARPIST] NIGHT TIME IS FOR

SLEEPING.

[ANDREW] I KNOW IT'S FOR

SLEEPING. IT'S JUST THAT, I

REALLY NEED TO GET TO THE

HOSPITAL.

[HARPIST] I CAN SEE THE MOON.

[ANDREW] HARPIST, PLEASE, I AM

DRIVING ON A HIGHWAY RIGHT NOW,

VERY FAST, SO--

[HARPIST] IT LOOKS LIKE GOD'S

FINGERNAIL.

[ANDREW] OKAY, HARPIST, PLEASE,

I REALLY, REALLY CAN'T GO TO

SLEEP RIGHT NOW.

[HARPIST] I'M GONNA PUT YOU OUT.

[ANDREW] NO. NO! DO NOT, DO NOT

PUT ME OUT! PLEASE!

[HARPIST] 'KAY, BYE!

[ANDREW] DO NOT-- OHH...

[WILLY] HEY.

[HARPIST] HEY.

[WILLY] WHAT'S THIS?

[HARPIST] CAR CRASH.

[WILLY] CAR CRASH? DID YOU DO

THIS?

[HARPIST] HE WAS UP LATE.

[WILLY] I KNOW HE WAS UP LATE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN--

[HARPIST] YEAH, YEAH.

[WILLY] THIS IS NOT A

"YEAH, YEAH" SORT OF THING.

[HARPIST] YEAH, I GET IT.

[WILLY] DO YOU GET IT?

[HARPIST] UH HUH. I'M JUST GONNA

GO TUCK THIS GUY IN.

[WILLY] NO! WHY? HE DOESN'T NEED

TO BE TUCKED IN. WHY DID YOU DO

THAT ANYWAY? SO YOU COULD HAVE A

MAN OF YOUR OWN?

[HARPIST] I DUNNO.

[WILLY] I CANNOT BELIEVE I'VE

PUT UP WITH THIS FOR

A 1,000 YEARS.

[HARPIST] I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT

UP WITH YOU FOR A 1,000 YEARS.

[WILLY] OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE DONE! FIND YOUR OWN WAY

BACK TO DREAMLAND.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

BACK TO DREAMLAND. I'M GONNA

CRASH AT MY FRIEND, TREVOR'S.

[WILLY] YOU ARE NOT GOING TO

CRASH AT YOUR FRIEND TREVOR'S.

[HARPIST] OH, I'M CRASHING AT

TREVOR'S.

[WILLY] NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU WILL

NOT. HE IS A BAD GUY.

[HARPIST] TREVOR'S FUN.

[WILLY] TREVOR IS A PERVERT.

[WILLY] CONVICTED.

[HARPIST] YEAH, BUT THEY HAVEN'T

SENTENCED HIM YET.

[WILLY] THEY HAVEN'T SENTENCED

HIM BECAUSE THEY'RE DECIDING HOW

MUCH TIME TO GIVE HIM.

[HARPIST] SO UNTIL THAT DAY HE'S

A FREE MAN.

[WILLY] HE'S A FREE MAN LIVING

IN A HALFWAY HOUSE, HARPIST.

[HARPIST] ME AND TREVOR ARE

GONNA PUT A LOT PEOPLE TO SLEEP

THIS WEEKEND.

[WILLY] IF I LET YOU GO GET THAT

BODY...

WILL YOU COME WITH ME BACK TO

DREAMLAND?

[HARPIST] OKAY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[WILLY] YOU'RE WELCOME.

[HARPIST] THANK YOU.

[WILLY] BE QUICK, PLEASE.

[HARPIST] I'LL BE AS QUICK AS

I CAN. HE'S A MESS.

[HARPIST] OH NO, HE'S IN TWO.