Original subtitles

[■■]

>>YOU'RE WATCHING "PICNICFACE".

TO SEE THE FULL EPISODE,

ALONG WITH BONUS FEATURES,

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[■■]

[EVANY] HELLO.

[CHERYL] HEY.

[EVANY] SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE,

AS THE ONLY TWO WOMEN IN THE

GROUP, CHERYL AND I GET A

LOT OF WEIRD REQUESTS.

[CHERYL] YEAH, GUYS ARE ALWAYS

EMAILING US SAYING LIKE,

"YOU GUYS SHOULD KISS"

AND STUFF. AND LIKE TOUCH...

FOR MEN.

[EVANY] GROSS.

BUT MEN, TRUTH BE TOLD,

YOU WANT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

CHERYL AND I ARE GOING TO KISS.

[CHERYL] THIS IS SO CRAZY.

[EVANY] WE NEVER DO STUFF LIKE

THIS. I AM SO DRUNK!

[CHERYL] I AM SO DRUNK!

[CHERYL/EVANY] (LAUGHING)

■BONER-DUST!■

■BO-BO-BONER-DUST!■

■BONER-DUST!■

■BO-BO-BONER-DUST■

[CHERYL/EVANY] BONER-DUST.

[EVANY] DO YOU WANT TO GO MAKE

OUT IN MY CAR?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

[ANDREW] MR. FERGUSON.

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?

[SCOTT] IT'S TOUGH. MY FATHER

AND I WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

[ANDREW] I UNDERSTAND. THIS

PROBABLY ISN'T THE BEST TIME,

BUT, UM, I HAVE A FEW FORMS I

NEED YOU TO SIGN. ANDERSON

FUNERAL HOME WILL TAKE CARE OF

THE REST.

SIGNING?

LIABILITY FORM, RELEASING OUR

COMPANY FROM ANY RESPONSIBILITY

SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN BETWEEN

NOW AND THE TIME OF BURIAL.

[SCOTT] WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

LIKE...

[ANDREW] OH, LIKELY NOTHING, BUT

IF... THE BODY WERE TO FALL,

OR BREAK AN ARM,

OR IF THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT

INVOLVING JUICE.

[SCOTT] SORRY, JUICE?

[ANDREW] YES, JUICE.

[SCOTT] I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WAS A JUICE... RE-- RELATED

ACCIDENT. IF YOU, UH-- IF YOU

JUST WANT TO SIGN THAT.

[SCOTT] WHAT KIND OF ACCIDENT

COULD INVOLVE JUICE?

[ANDREW] LIKELY NOTHING.

[SCOTT] IT SAYS "JUICE" IN HERE.

THERE'S A WHOLE CLAUSE.

[ANDREW] DOES IT?

[SCOTT] YEAH.

"ANDERSON FUNERAL HOMES WILL

NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY

JUICE RELATED ACCIDENTS."

[ANDREW] OH, IT DOES. THAT MUST

BE A TYPO. I'LL JUST TAKE CARE

OF THAT FOR YOU. I'M SORRY ABOUT

THAT. I'LL JUST INTIAL THAT.

THERE YOU GO.

AGAIN.

[ANDREW] YEAH!

[ANDREW] YOUR FATHER'S FINE.

THERE'S NO--

[SCOTT] I WANT TO SEE MY FATHER.

[ANDREW] JUICE.

[■■]

[SCOTT] OPEN THE COFFIN.

I WANT TO SEE MY FATHER.

OPEN IT!

OPEN UP THE COFFIN!

I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW!

[ANDREW] ALL RIGHT. HERE IS THE

TOP HALF OF YOUR FATHER. AND

HERE IS THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR

FATHER.

[SCOTT] WHY CAN'T I SEE ALL OF

HIM?

[ANDREW] YOU DID.

[SCOTT] NO I DIDN'T!

[ANDREW] YES, YOU DID.

[■■]

[SCOTT] HE'S FINE.

[ANDREW] (SLURPING)

JUICE?

[ANDREW] (SLURPING)

[SCOTT] WHAT'S GOING ON?!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

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(PHONE RINGING)

[BILL] HELLO?

[CAPT'N MACINTYRE] ALL ABOARD.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MACINTYRE, AND

YOU'VE JUST WON AN ALL EXPENSES

PAID TRIP WITH,

"FIESTA CRUISING VACATIONS".

PRESS 1 TO ACCESS OUR

COMPLETE-- (STATIC)

>>WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>>IT'S AN ICEBERG, SIR.

[CAPT'N MACINTYRE] TURN THE

SHIP! TURN THE GODDAMN SHIP!

(INAUDIBLE)

>>WE'RE TAKING ON WATER.

WE HAVE TO MAKE OUR WAY--

[CAPT'N MACINTYRE] GET EVERYONE

OFF THE SHIP!

>>SIR, I CAN'T LEAVE!

[CAPT'N MACINTYRE] LISTEN TO ME!

[CHERYL] WHO WAS IT, HONEY?

[■■]

[BILL] WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

>>WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

LOG IN NOW AT,

PREMIUMMEMBERSHIP.CA

TO CAST YOUR VOTE.

>>PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP.

(RIP)

[■■]

[BILL] SO WHO DID YOU TAKE TO

THAT MOVIE LAST NIGHT?

[KYLE] YOUR MOM.

[BILL] MY MOM'S DEAD.

OH MY GOD! SHE'S BACK?

[■■]

■REMEMBER ALL THE FUN WE HAD

WITH THIS SKETCH■

■IT STARTED OUT

WITH BILL AND KYLE

DRINKING BEERS ON A BENCH■

■BILL SAID,

"WHO'D YOU TAKE TO THAT MOVIE

LAST NIGHT?"■

■KYLE SAID,

"YOUR MOM"■

■BILL SAID,

"BUT MY MOM'S DEAD"■

■"OH MY GOD, SHE'S BACK.

AND SHE'S DATING MY FRIENDS"■

■AND THEN WE FROZE

ON BILL'S FACE■

■AND THEN I STARTED SINGING

ABOUT THIS SKETCH■

■I SANG ABOUT HOW SOMETIMES

YOUR MOM COMES BACK

AND DATES YOUR FRIENDS■

■AND I SAID,

"BILL AND KYLE

SAT ON THE BENCH, TALKING ABOUT

WHO KYLE WENT TO THE MOVIE WITH■

■AND IT WAS ALL FOR YOU JOHN.

(PIANO)

[CHILD] DADA.

[FATHER] DID YOU HEAR THAT

HONEY? HE SAID MY NAME!

[CHILD] MAMA, I PICKED FLOWERS.

[CHILD] DADDY AND I CAUGHT TWO

FISH.

[CHILD] I LIKE HOW GRASS SMELLS.

[CHILD] I LOVE YOU MOMMY.

[MOTHER] MOMMY LOVES YOU TOO,

SWEETHEART.

[CHILD] I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

[MOTHER] JOHN, I DON'T--

I DON'T THINK THIS IS NORMAL.

(MONSTROUS GROWL)

(SCREAMING)

[FATHER] GET BACK!

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER!

(GUNSHOTS)

[■■]

>>OH HEY, WHAT'S UP JAMIE?

[JAMIE] YO, WHAT'S UP, BUD?

>>JAMIE, THAT SWEATSHIRT'S THE

BEST.

[JAMIE] THIS IS THE KIND OF

SWEATSHIRT THAT I KNOW I CAN

WEAR OUT OF MY HOUSE.

>>YEAH.

[JAMIE] AND IT'S GONNA LOOK GOOD

ON ME, NO MATTER WHAT.

>>OH, THAT THING'S GOT TROLLS

ON IT, JAMIE.

HOCKEY.

>>TROLLS PLAYING HOCKEY.

[JAMIE] YEAH, THEY'RE HOCKEY

TROLLS.

>>YEAH.

[JAMIE] HEY, WE SHOULD GET TO

CLASS, CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE

[■■]

[NARRATOR] SWEATSHIRTS.

EVERY DAY, THOUSANDS OF TEENS

RECEIVE COMPLIMENTS ON THEIR

SWEATSHIRTS. BUT HAVE YOU EVER

WONDERED HOW A SWEATSHIRT GETS

MADE? WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

AND HOW DOES IT GET MADE?

AFTER ALL, YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT.

NOT UNLESS YOU'RE A CALVIN KLEIN

OR A TREVOR CLUB MONACO. TO

FIND OUT, LET'S TAKE A TRIP TO

YOUR LOCAL MALL.

(SODA POURING)

[NARRATOR] THE LOCAL MALL.

HOME OF THE FOOD COURT,

THE PREGNANT LADY TIME LAPSE

PHOTO DISPLAY,

AND THE SWEATSHIRT STORE.

EVERY DAY THE MANAGERS OF THIS

STORE RECEIVE REQUESTS FOR

SWEATSHIRTS FROM TEENS LIKE

THIS.

THIS TEEN IS REQUESTING A

SWEATSHIRT WITH COOL SLEEVES

AND NO GAY STUFF.

THIS REQUEST WILL BE SENT ALL

THE WAY TO ENGLAND.

HERE IN ENGLAND,

WIDOWS MAKE THE THREAD THAT GOES

INTO YOUR SWEATSHIRTS.

HOW DO THEY MAKE THE THREAD?

>>WHAT YOU WANNA KNOW?!

WHAT YOU WANNA KNOW?!

[NARRATOR] ONCE THE THREAD IS

READY, THEY SEND IT TO THE LAB,

WHERE IT IS MIXED WITH MALE

SPERMATOZOA AND INJECTED INTO A

WOMAN. THE WOMAN WILL BECOME

PREGNANT, AND IN NINE MONTHS,

SHE WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A

BEAUTIFUL NEW SWEATSHIRT,

FEATURING COOL SLEEVES

AND NO GAY STUFF.

PRETTY COOL, HUH?

>>YOU SEE THAT TEACHER'S

FACE WHEN WE WALKED INTO CLASS,

JAMIE?

[JAMIE] SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW

ON TIME WE WERE, FLABBERGASTED

THE WHOLE CLASS.

>>BOOM!

[JAMIE] FLIP THEM ALL ON THEIR

HEADS, BECAUSE WE WERE SO

PUNCTUAL.

>>BOOM JAMIE!

[JAMIE] BEST RECORD FOR MOST

TIMES PUNCTUALLY...

ON TIME IN ROW.

>>HA HA.

[JAMIE] AND, IN ADDITION TO

WHICH...

>>BOOM BOOM!

[JAMIE] ...WE SHOULD GET TO OUR

>>YEAH!

[JAMIE] BECAUSE THE CLOCK IS

TICKING.

>>FINISH YOUR SENTENCE.

[JAMIE] AND WE WON'T WANT TO

BREAK THE STREAK WHILE WE'RE

HOT.

[■■]

>>PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP.

(OWL HOOTING)

(GHOSTLY GROANING)

[SCOTT] HELLO?

[GHOST] YOU.

YOU WERE A GREEDY MAN.

AND UNLESS YOU CHANGE YOUR

WAYS, YOU'LL BE DAMNED FOR ALL

ETERNITY. TONIGHT, WHILE YOU

SLEEP, YOU WILL BE VISITED BY 14

GHOSTS.

[SCOTT] 14?

[GHOST] 14 GHOSTS.

ONE AN HOUR.

THE FIRST GHOST IS THE GHOST OF

CHRISTMAS PAST.

THE SECOND GHOST, IS THE GHOST--

[SCOTT] IF ONE COMES AN HOUR,

I ONLY SLEEP, LIKE SIX/SEVEN

HOURS...

DO I NEED TO BE ASLEEP?

[GHOST] THEN YOU WERE SLEEPING!

THE THIRD GHOST IS THE GHOST OF

CHRISTMAS FUTURE. THE FOURTH

GHOST IS THE GHOST OF THE

NUMBER FOUR. THE FIFTH GHOST--

[SCOTT] THE NUMBER FOUR HAS A

GHOST?

[GHOST] THE FIFTH GHOST IS THE

GHOST OF THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS

PAST.

[SCOTT] I'M NOT GOING TO

REMEMBER ALL THIS.

SO JUST MAYBE--

[GHOST] THE SIXTH GHOST!--

[SCOTT] JUST INTRODUCE THEM ONE

AT A TIME--

[GHOST] THE SIXTH GHOST, IS THE

GHOST OF SHOWING UP TOO EARLY.

THE SEVENTH GHOST IS--

(GHOSTLY GROANING)

[GHOST "EARLY"] AM I--

[GHOST] YES, YOU'RE EARLY.

[GHOST "EARLY"] I'M ALWAYS

EARLY.

[GHOST] YES, YOU'RE ALWAYS

EARLY.

[GHOST "EARLY"] AM I THE FIRST--

[GHOST] YES, YOU'RE THE FIRST

GHOST.

[GHOST "EARLY"] YES, I'M ALWAYS

THE FIRST GHOST.

[GHOST] YES, YOU'RE ALWAYS THE

FIRST GHOST.

[GHOST "EARLY"] YOU SHOULD JUST

INTRODUCE ME FIRST.

POINT, NOW, WOULDN'T IT?

[GHOST "EARLY"] BECAUSE I'M THE

GHOST THAT SHOWS UP EARLY.

[GHOST] YES.

EBENEZER SCROOGE!

YOU HAVE BEEN A GREEDY MAN.

[SCOTT] WHOA.

[GHOST] AND UNLESS YOU CHANGE

YOUR--

[SCOTT] WHO IS EBENEZER

SCROOGE?

[GHOST] YOU ARE EBENEZER

SCROOGE!

[SCOTT] I'M JEFF SPARKS.

JEFF SPARKS.

[GHOST] IS THIS DECEMBER 25TH,

1914?

[SCOTT] NO, IT'S, JUNE 20TH,

2011.

[GHOST] WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

[GHOST "EARLY"] YEAH.

[GHOST] ALL RIGHT. WELL, UH...

WE'RE SORRY, JEFF SPARKS FOR ALL

THIS.

LET'S GO.

[GHOST "EARLY"] WE CAN TAKE MY

CAR.

[GHOST] YOU HAVE A CAR?

WHY DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

[■■]

[SCOTT] DID I DO ALL RIGHT,

MR. SCROOGE?

[SCROOGE] WELL DONE,

JEFF SPARKS. YOU PUT THOSE

GHOSTS RIGHT OFF MY TAIL.

AWAY WITH YOU!

TO THE FACTORY.

TO THE FACTORY WITH YOUR SAD,

[■■]

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[SCOTT] HEY EVERYONE. WE GET A

LOT OF FAN MAIL AND FAN ART, BUT

RECENTLY WE RECEIVED SOMETHING

THAT REALLY CROSSED THE LINE.

OUR NAME IS "PICNICFACE", BUT

SENDING US PICNIC BASKETS WITH

FACES IN THEM ISN'T APPROPRIATE.

IT'S DISGUSTING. AND...

IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS

OR WHATEVER IT BELONGS TO,

PLEASE CALL THE POLICE,

CALL A HOSPITAL.

JUST-- WE NEED TO GET IN TOUCH

WITH THIS PERSON AND MAKE

SURE THAT THEY'RE OKAY,

AND THAT THEY GET--

[FAN] WHAT'S UP MAN?!

HA HA!

WHAT'S UP!?

IT'S SCOTT FRIGGIN' VROOMAN,

MAN!

[SCOTT] THIS IS YOUR FACE?!

[FAN] YOU GOT MY FACE, BRO!

WOO! PICNICFACE! PICNICFACE!

WHOA SHIT, MAN, I'M ON TV!

OH MY GOD.

I BET YOU MY BUDDIES ARE

WATCHING THIS, MAN.

[FAN] LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!

OW!

(SCREAMING)

[FAN] SHOUT OUTS TO JOAN.

SHOUT OUTS TO JOHNNY AND TRIM.

[■■]

■TELL ME, WHAT'S THE FUTURE

OF FASHION, CHERYL■

[CHERYL] (GASP) SWEATERS.

■TELL ME, WHAT'S THE FUTURE

OF FASHION, CHERYL■

[CHERYL] (GASP) CROP TOPS.

■TELL ME, WHAT'S THE FUTURE

OF FASHION, CHERYL■

[CHERYL] (GASP) ANKLETS.

■TELL ME, WHAT'S THE FUTURE

OF FASHION, CHERYL■

[CHERYL] (GASP) HEADBANDS.

■SWEATERS, CROP TOPS,

ANKLETS, HEADBANDS■

■SWEATERS, CROP TOPS,

ANKLETS, HEADBANDS■

■SWEATERS, SWEATERS,

SHE SAID SWEATERS■

■SHE SAID SWEATERS■

■JEANS, JEANS, JEANS,

SHE NEVER SAID JEANS■

[■■]

[BRIAN] HEY MAN, ARE YOU DIGGING

THAT HOT DOG OR WHAT?

[KYLE] OH YEAH, LOVE IT.

[BRIAN] YOU GOT RELISH ON THAT

THING?

[KYLE] TOTALLY.

[BRIAN] WHAT ABOUT BBQ SAUCE?

[KYLE] OH YEAH, FOR SURE.

[BRIAN] YEAH, YOU WOULD.

[KYLE] WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[BRIAN] YOU WOULD.

YOU WOULD LIKE BBQ SAUCE.

[KYLE] WHAT DO YOU MEAN "I"

WOULD THOUGH?

[BRIAN] I DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST LIKE IT.

[KYLE] OKAY, I GET THAT "I" LIKE

IT. BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN

EXACTLY?

[BRIAN] I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

[KYLE] NO! TELL ME SPECIFICALLY

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME AND BBQ

SAUCE?!

[BRIAN] I DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST--

[KYLE] JUST TELL ME!

[BRIAN] YOU JUST PUT IT ON LOTS

OF THINGS!

[KYLE] YEAH?

[BRIAN] YEAH! YOU PUT IT ON YOUR

TOAST THIS MORNING.

[KYLE] YEAH?

[BRIAN] AND YOU HAD TO THROW OUT

YOUR WALLET BECAUSE IT WAS

COVERED IN IT.

[KYLE] AND WHAT IS YOUR POINT?

[BRIAN] THE BREAKS ON YOUR CAR

DON'T WORK ANY MORE.

AND THE S.P.C.A HAD TO TAKE

AWAY YOUR DOG

[KYLE] I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEED HELP.

[BRIAN] I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN

DO.

YOU'RE THE ONLY FRIEND I HAVE.

[BRIAN] HEY, I'VE GOT PROBLEMS

OF MY OWN.

[KYLE] OH YEAH, LIKE WHAT?

[BRIAN] LOOK IN MY MOUTH!

[KYLE] I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR MOUTH

NAPOLEON.

[NAPOLEON] YOUR MOUTH IS NEXT

KYLE.

[KYLE] PLEASE DON'T KISS ME.

[NAPOLEON] WE WILL KISS YOU...

SOFTLY... AND SLOWLY.

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[■■]

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[SCOTT] NO, I'M NOT AFRAID OF

HEIGHTS. I JUST, I DON'T CARE

FOR THEM. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED.

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY:

HEIGHTS DO NOTHING FOR ME.

[EVANY] BEAUTIFUL MIXED RACE

BABIES.

[MARK] (BEEP) I'LL BE KICKING

[■■]

>>PREMIUM MEMBER.

THE PLATINUM MEMBER EXPERIENCE.

WOO!

[DIRECTOR] ALL RIGHT, AND CUT.

[DIRECTOR] OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

WE GOT IT.

THAT'S A WRAP FOR TODAY.

THANK YOU.

[■■]

(LAUGHTER)

[MEMORY] PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP.

PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP.

[■■]

[WIFE] (SIGH) COME TO BED.

>>YEAH (SIGH).

SOON AS I LEARN THESE LINES.

[WIFE] THEY WORK YOU TOO HARD.

>>YEAH, THAT'S MY JOB.

DID MICHAEL COME HOME?

[WIFE] NOT YET.

(PHONE RINGING)

[WIFE] HELLO?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IS HE OKAY?

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD!

[WIFE] MICHAEL'S IN THE

HOSPITAL.

>>THE HOSPITAL?!

[WIFE] THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT.

>>OH MY GOD! IS HE ALL RIGHT?

[WIFE] HE'S-- HE'S--

>>PREMIUM MEMBER.

FIND OUT IF MY SON SURVIVED

BY VISITING.

PREMIUMMEMBERSHIP.CA.

PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP FOR THE

PLATINUM MEMBER--

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW IT!

SPOILER ALERT: MY SON IS DEAD!

(GUN COCKING)

[DIRECTOR] HE'S GOT A GUN!

[BILL] FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO

THE PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP GUY BY

SIGNING UP FOR PREMIUM

MEMBERSHIP AT,

WWW.PREMIUMMEMBERSHIP.CA.

PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP.

THE PLATINUM EXPERIENCE.

[■■]

>>RAR!

>>VISIT WWW.WWW.

>>RAR!

>>YOU'RE WATCHING PICNICFACE!

(STATIC)

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