Original subtitles

[■■]

>>AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD

NEVER LET GUNK BUILD UP ON YOUR

PLATES. THE END.

>>OH, READ US ANOTHER ONE,

GRANDPA.

>>YEAH, A GOOD ONE THIS TIME.

>>WELL, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE

STORY OF "MR. RABBIT'S VERY

CLEAN PLATE"?

>>JUST FEEL LIKE I GOT IT RIGHT

AWAY.

>>YOUR BROTHER LIKED IT.

>>I LIKE BUNNIES DRESSED AS

PEOPLE.

>>YOU WOULD.

WELL, IT HAD A PRETTY SWEET

MORAL.

>>THAT YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CLEAN

YOUR PLATE?

>>YEAH. KEEP YOUR PLATES CLEAN.

>>I GUESS SO.

>>WELL, THIS BOOK'S FULL OF

GREAT TALES LIKE THAT.

"MR. BADGER'S DIRTY LAUNDRY",

"GARY THE BEAR'S MESSY,

MESSY CAVE",

"CYNTHIA MINNOW'S SLOPPY POND".

>>WHAT'S THIS BOOK ABOUT?

>>OH... RIGHT THERE IS A VERY

SPECIAL BOOK. BUT YOU TWO

WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN THAT.

>>WHY? WH-WHAT IS IT?

>>THAT BOOK RIGHT THERE IS THE

"TOME OF ALL STORIES".

EVERY YARN EVER SPUN IS

CONTAINED IN THOSE PAGES.

>>DOES IT HAVE MAGIC?

>>AND ROMANCE?

>>AND A GUN?

>>YES, IT HAS ALL OF THOSE

THINGS. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT.

LET'S START HERE.

"THERE WAS ONCE A PARTY;

A VERY CIVILIZED PARTY."

>>YES!

>>REALLY?

>>"AND THE FOG WAS ROLLING

THICK ON THE CARSTON MANOR. A

GROUP OF FRIENDS HAD GATHERED

FOR A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION, ONE

OF THEM WAS GETTING MARRIED."

(CLAPPING)

>>WHOA. WOW. THANK YOU, FRIENDS

FOR BEING HERE ON MY LAST NIGHT

AS A SINGLE MAN. I'M EXCITED AND

HONOURED TO HAVE YOU JOIN ME FOR

MY STAG PARTY.

(CLAPPING)

(COMMOTION)

>>WHAT HAPPENED?

>>SOMEBODY GET THE LIGHTS?

>>ALL RIGHT.

>>NOBODY MOVE.

STANLEY'S BEEN MURDERED.

THE FIRST THING WE MUST

DETERMINE IS WHAT WEAPON WAS

USED TO COMMIT--

>>IT WAS A KNIFE.

>>AH, A CLUE. A KNIFE, GOOD.

WELL DONE.

>>THANK YOU.

>>BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY,

THE MURDER MUST HAVE BEEN ONE

OF THE PEOPLE IN--

>>OH, IT WAS ME.

>>I'M SORRY?

"IT WAS ME".

>>YOU MURDERED HIM?

>>YEAH, THAT'S WHY I HAD THE

KNIFE.

>>UH, WHY?

>>WHY?

>>YEAH, WHY DID YOU MURDER HIM?

>>DID YOU GET BACK TO ME?

>>YOU MURDERED A GUY--

WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR BACK?

IS THAT A KNIFE STICKING OUT OF

YOUR BACK?

>>AH, YEAH, IT IS!

>>WHO STABBED YOU?

>>YEAH, WHO STABBED ME?

>>WHO STABBED BARRY?

YOU STABBED HIM, BELINDA?

WHY? YOU DON'T KNOW.

WHY WOULD YOU KNOW?

DID ANYONE ELSE GET STABBED

WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT FOR

4 SECONDS?

>>RIGHT HERE.

>>KEVIN?

OKAY, WHO STABBED KEVIN?

>>I STABBED MYSELF.

>>WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED,

YOU IDIOT.

>>LET'S JUST CALM DOWN FOR A

SECOND, OKAY, CLARK, YOU'RE

DOIN' A GREAT JOB.

>>HMM, YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE

DOING WONDERFUL.

>>SHUT UP, MAVIS.

>>ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST FIND

OUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, ALL

RIGHT? SO, CLARK, I'M GOING TO

TAKE THAT KNIFE, OKAY, I'M GOING

TO TAKE IT. SO MAVIS, WOULD YOU

LIKE TO PLAY STANLEY?

>>OH, A LITTLE ROLE-PLAY.

HA-HA.

>>THE LIGHTS WENT OUT, THEN I

TOOK OUT MY KNIFE. AND THEN I

JUST KIND OF...

>>NO, MAVIS, STEP AWAY, DO NOT

WALK TOWARDS THE KNIFE, MAVIS.

NO!

>>KEPT GOING IN... AND THEN

STABBED HIM.

>>NO, MAVIS! WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>>IT'S SOLVED.

>>WHY WOULD YOU-- KEVIN, NO,

KEVIN!

>>I GUESS I'M BEING AN IDIOT.

>>OH, MY GOD! EVERYONE STOP!

YOU'VE BEEN AWFUL QUIET TONIGHT.

YOU HIDING SOMETHING? NO. OF

COURSE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I

SHOULD KNOW ABOUT. YEAH, THERE

IT IS. LITTLE DAGGER. AND WHAT

BETTER NIGHT TO BRING IT OUT

THAN ON A NIGHT WHEN EVERYONE

GETS STABBED. MAVIS IS DEAD,

NOW, KEVIN IS DEAD. COOL. THIS

WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPECIAL

NIGHT FOR STANLEY, NOW HE'S

DEAD. I EVEN RENTED HIM A FUN

TRAINED STAG AS A JOKE.

(DEER GAGGING)

>>WHY IS IT MAKING THAT SOUND?

(DEER GAGGING)

>>WE FED HIM SOME... (MUMBLES)

>>YOU FED HIM WHAT?

>>WE FED HIM SOME... (MUMBLES)

>>YEAH, ADD VOLUME TO THE WORD

YOU'RE SAYING AT THE END, THERE.

>>WE FED HIM SOME DAGGERS.

>>YOU FED HIM SOME DAGGERS.

>>YOU TWO STAY RIGHT THERE,

'CAUSE I'M CALLIN' THE POLICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO

CHECK THIS OUT FIRST. BECAUSE I

HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT

YEAH, OKAY, THAT'S WHAT

I THOUGHT.

WHO STABBED THE STRIPPER?

(DEER GAGGING)

>>WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

>>WAIT, STOP.

>>YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE STABBY

MURDER MYSTERY?

>>NO!

>>BIG SOFTY. ALL RIGHT, FINE,

LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE. THIS

ONE'S ABOUT BURGERS.

>>ONE BURGER AND FRIES, PLEASE.

WOW! THAT'S FAST!

>>YOU THINK THAT'S FAST,

YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT NICK JAYS.

>>NICK JAYS FOOD IS SO FAST,

YOU'LL ACTUALLY MEET YOURSELF

COMING TO ORDER THE FOOD THAT

YOU JUST ORDERED;

IT'S THAT FAST.

>>HI, CAN I? OOH THANKS,

THAT'S FAST!

>>YEAH, I WAS GOING TO GET

SOME--

>>NICK JAYS?

>>YEAH.

>>HERE YOU GO.

>>THANKS.

>>THAT'S FAST.

>>NOW THERE'S TWO OF US IN THE

UNIVERSE.

>>CAN'T HAVE THAT.

>>WHAT?

>>SEE YA.

>>OH GEEZ-- NO-NO-NO!

(GUN SHOT)

>>OH, MY GOD, OH MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

>>HEY!

>>YOU'RE ME.

>>YEAH, I WAS GOING TO GET

SOME--

>>NICK JAYS?

>>YEAH.

>>HERE YOU GO.

>>THANKS!

>>THAT'S FAST. NOW THERE'S TWO

OF US IN THE UNIVERSE.

>>I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

>>YOU GOT TO KILL YOURSELF.

>>WELL, I DON'T WANT TO KILL

MYSELF.

>>YOU HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF.

>>I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF.

>>HEY!

>>YOU'RE ME.

>>YEAH. I WAS JUST GOING TO GET

SOME--

>>NICK JAYS.

>>YEAH.

>>HERE YOU GO.

>>THANKS!

>>THAT'S FAST.

>>NOW THERE'S TWO OF US IN THE

UNIVERSE.

>>ACTUALLY, THERE'S THREE,

THIS GUY WON'T KILL HIMSELF.

>>WHAT? KILL YOURSELF, MAN.

>>I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

>>YOU'VE GOT TO KILL YOURSELF.

TAKE THE GUN, PUT IT IN YOUR

MOUTH!

>>I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT,

OKAY?

>>HEY, YOU'RE ME!

I WAS JUST-- WHAT THE F--- IS

GOING ON?

>>I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF!

>>TAKE THE GUN AND PUT IT IN

YOUR MOUTH.

>>NO!

>>YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE.

>>DUDE, WOULD YOU KILL

YOURSELF?

>>YOU KNOW WHAT? F---ING

KILL YOURSELF!

>>WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

(GUN SHOTS)

>>F--- YOU, F--- YOU, F--- YOU!

[■■]

■NICK JAYS■

■IT'S TEMPORAL PARADOX FAST■

■IT'S SO FAST THAT WHEN YOU

ORDER YOUR FOOD AT NICK JAYS■

■ON THE WAY OUT OF THE

RESTAURANT■

■YOU'LL MEET YOURSELF COMING

TO ORDER THE FOOD■

■YOU JUST ORDERED■

■NICK JAYS■

■DON'T FORGET

TO KILL YOURSELF■

TO KILL YOURSELF■

■DON'T FORGET

TO KILL YOURSELF■

■KILL YOURSELF, KILL YOURSELF,

KILL YOURSELF, KILL YOURSELF■

■KILL YOURSELF■

>>THAT WASN'T A STORY.

>>SURE IT WAS.

>>NO, THAT WAS AN AD FOR

BURGERS.

>>HMM?

>>YEAH. AND I DON'T SEE HOW

THAT WOULD SELL ANYTHING EITHER.

>>THERE YOU GO, IT WAS THE

STORY OF AN UNSUCCESSFUL

ADVERTISEMENT.

PICNICFACE IS THE TOME OF ALL

STORIES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE

[■■]

>>OH, ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE HERE THAT

YOU'LL BOTH ENJOY; IT'S A STORY

ABOUT PANTS.

>>PANTS?

>>PANTS!

>>ARE THEY DANGEROUS PANTS?

>>NO, THEY'RE-- YOU'RE SUCH A--

NO, JU-- PANTS, OKAY? TAKE IT OR

LEAVE IT. GOING ONCE, GOING

TWICE...

>>OKAY, WE'LL TAKE IT,

WE'LL TAKE THE PANTS STORY.

>>ALL RIGHT, SOLD!

YOU'LL GET YOUR PANTS STORY.

THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN AN

APARTMENT.

>>HOW IS IT, LIKE AN ENCHANTED

APARTMENT OR ANYTHING?

>>IT'S JUST A NORMAL APARTMENT,

YES. CAN I BEGIN?

CAN I PLEASE BEGIN?

THERE WAS A BUNCH OF DUDES

HANGING OUT IN AN APARTMENT,

HAVING A VERY CIVIL DISCUSSION

ABOUT PANTS.

>>OH, I GOT ONE. ONE TIME, MY

GIRLFRIEND ASKED ME IF HER PANTS

MADE HER LOOK FAT...

>>WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>>I SAID "NO", BUT WHAT I REALLY

MEANT WAS "SORT OF".

(LAUGHING)

>>NICE!

>>OOH!

(LAUGHING)

>>NICE!

>>OH, YEAH.

>>YES!

>>OH, I REMEMBER HER LOOKING

SORT OF FAT IN THOSE PANTS.

>>THAT WAS A SHAME, BECAUSE

THOSE WERE NICE PANTS.

>>THOSE WERE NICE PANTS.

>>THIS ONE TIME I WAS SEEING

THIS GIRL, RIGHT? AND I TOLD HER

THAT I WAS REALLY INTO HER, BUT

I REALLY WASN'T INTO HER, I JUST

LIED TO HER SO THAT I COULD GET

INTO HER PANTS.

AND THEN AFTER I BORROWED HER

PANTS, I F---IN' DUMPED HER.

>>YES!

>>OH, YEAH!

(LAUGHING)

>>WHAT'S UP?

>>WOW!

>>PRETTY COOL, EH?

ONE OF THESE, YUP.

>>WHERE DID YOU PICK UP THOSE?

>>UH, YOU KNOW, I GUILTED MY

GIRLFRIEND OUT OF THEM.

>>YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

>>THOSE ARE NICE PANTS.

>>I LOVE LADIES' PANTS.

>>PANTS.

>>PANTS.

>>PANTS.

>>PANTS.

>>PANTS.

■I LIKE LADIES PANTS, YES!■

■I LIKE LADIES PANTS■

■I LIKE LADIES PANTS, YES!■

■I LIKE LADIES PANTS■

■DO YOU WANT MY PANTS?■

■OH YES, I DO GIRL!■

■DO YOU WANT MY PANTS?■

■ON MY LOWER BOD■

■DO YOU WANT MY PA-HA-HA-ANTS?■

[■■]

■I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU,

MAN AND LADIES PANTS■

>>THOSE ARE SOME GREAT PANTS.

■DO YOU WANT MY PANTS?■

■I DON'T WANT DUDE PANTS■

■DO YOU WANT MY PA-HA-HA-ANTS?■

■I'M WILLING TO TAKE THEM

BY FORCE■

>>I'M GOING TO RIP THOSE PANTS

OFF YOUR BODY GIRL. I'LL TAKE

THEM FOR MYSELF.

>>OKAY, GET HER OUT OF HERE.

GRAB HER PANTS.

>>NO!

>>GET THOSE PANTS OFF. IF YOU'RE

SITTING WITH A WOMAN AT HOME,

GRAB THOSE PANTS. WE'RE GETTING

ALL THE PANTS INTO MOVEMENT!

[■■]

>>SO THERE YOU GO, YOU GOT YOUR

PANTS STORY. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

OH, YOU KIDS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT STORIES ANYWAYS, WITH YOUR

VIDEO GAMES AND YOUR TV GAMES.

BACK IN MY DAY, TELEVISION WAS

CALLED "BOOKS".

>>WHY? THAT'S CONFUSING.

>>YEAH, WOULDN'T BOOKS HAVE

BEEN CALLED "BOOKS".

>>VERY FUNNY. YOU GUYS WANT ME

TO READ ANOTHER BOOK? 'CAUSE

I'VE GOT A GOT A HARDCOVER BACK

HERE, IT'S CALLED "A SWIFT

BEATING WITH A HARD COVER BOOK".

>>SORRY, GRANDPA.

>>THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

NOW, MAY I PROCEED OR WOULD

YOU TWO RATHER DRIVE YOUR

GRANDFATHER TO AN EARLY GRAVE?

>>KEEP GOING.

>>YOU CAN KEEP GOING I GUESS.

>>I NOTICED YOUR HESITATION AND

I DIDN'T LIKE IT. THIS NEXT

STORY BEGINS WITH A GROUP OF

YOUNG DUDES GATHERED AT A PATIO

BAR AND GRILL.

>>HEY, TO MILLER. THE BEST DAMN

FRIEND A GUY COULD ASK FOR.

>>HEAR, HEAR.

>>CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG,

CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG,

CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG,

CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!

>>YEAH!

>>THAT WAS GREAT.

>>OH, THANKS, I NEEDED THAT.

>>FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT...

>>WHAT?

>>FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,

>>I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

>>YEAH!

>>SALT, SALT, SALT, SALT, SALT,

SALT, SALT, SALT, SALT!

[■■]

>>STOP, WE HAVE TO STOP.

>>OH, WHAT?

>>JUST, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE

EVERY STORY IN THIS BOOK BEGINS

WITH A GROUP OF YOUNG DUDES.

>>AT LEAST HALF OF THEM IS A

GROUP OF YOUNG DUDES.

>>NOT ONE OF THEM STARTS WITH

"ONCE UPON A TIME"?

>>WELL, ONCE UPON A TIME, A

GROUP OF YOUNG DUDES, ETC,

ETC... IT SAYS IN THE

BIBLIOGRAPHY HERE THAT IT WAS

WRITTEN IN LARGE PART BY A GROUP

OF YOUNG DUDES.

>>MORE STORIES ABOUT YOUNG

DUDES WHEN WE RETURN,

[■■]

>>THIS NEXT STORY BEGINS WITH

THREE YOUNG DUDES APPROACHING A

HAUNTED HOUSE.

>>ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>>THE HAUNTED HOUSE WAS

TERRIFYING AND THEY NEEDED TO

HAVE A MEANS TO DECIDE WHO GOES

[■■]

>>HO-HO-HO!

>>I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO

INKY-PINKY-PONKY FOR IT.

>>ALL RIGHT, DO IT UP, MATT.

>>ALL RIGHT.

>>INKY, PINKY, PONKY, DADDY

BOUGHT A DONKEY...

>>WHAT'S UP?

>>DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT BRAD'S

DAD?

>>WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD?

>>I DON'T HAVE ONE.

>>HIS DAD LEFT HIM AND HIS MOM.

>>I'M SUPER-SORRY, MAN.

>>THANKS, THAT MEANS A LOT.

>>YOU KNOW, WHAT? JUST HAVE THE

PIZZA.

>>I DON'T WANT TO WIN THE PIZZA

LIKE THAT.

>>YEAH, FOR SURE. UM...

I'LL CHANGE IT TO "MOMMY".

>>I HAVE A MOMMY.

>>OKAY.

>>NO WORRIES, OKAY.

>>INKY, PINKY, PONKY, MOMMY

BOUGHT A DONKEY...

>>OH, GOD...

>>DONKEY? DID SOMETHING--

>>I DON'T HAVE A DONKEY, THANK

YOU VERY MUCH.

>>MOST PEOPLE DON'T HAVE

DONKEYS.

>>HIS MOM CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY A

DONKEY SINCE HIS DAD LEFT.

>>WE CAN PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME.

>>NO.

>>WE'RE PLAYING THIS GAME.

>>HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR PITY.

OKAY, IF HE'S GOING TO WIN THIS

PIZZA, HE'S GONNA WIN IT FAIRLY.

>>OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE IT

"FORK".

>>OKAY.

>>OKAY, FORK.

>>GOOD.

>>INKY, PINKY, PONKY, MOMMY

BOUGHT A FORK...

>>THANK YOU.

>>FORK DIED.

>>JESUS CHRIST!

>>MY GOD!

>>WHAT? FORKS?

>>WHEN HIS DAD LEFT, HE TOOK

THEIR COLLECTION OF ANTIQUE DEAD

FORKS. MATT, GOD!

>>HE TOOK ALL OF THEM.

>>THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

>>SOMETIMES LIFE DOESN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE.

>>NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

WE'RE IN AN INDUSTRIAL KITCHEN.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO A

HAUNTED MANSION.

>>WELL, WHEN HIS DAD LEFT, HE

TOOK THE GHOSTS FROM THE

MANSION.

>>OH, SHUT UP! OKAY? AND WHY

ARE WE DRESSED LIKE THIS? WHAT--

WE LOOK LIKE 8-YEAR-OLDS. THIS

IS WAY TOO SMALL FOR ME.

>>YOU KNEW THE UNIFORM WHEN YOU

SIGNED UP FOR THE

"HOODIE CAP GANG".

>>AND WHAT'S THIS GIRL DOING

HERE? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOU,

ME AND A DUDE. THREE DUDES

GOING TO A HAUNTED MANSION. AND

WHY DID YOU BRING ONE PIECE OF

PIZZA? I'M HUNGRY!

>>NO, ENOUGH. I CAN'T DO THIS.

>>WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

>>THAT STORY WAS...

BARELY A STORY.

>>IT'S A FINE STORY.

>>OKAY, WHAT'S THE PREMISE?

>>THE PREMISE IS, IS THAT IN

ORDER TO MAKE A DECISION, 3

DUDES HAVE TO EMPLOY A CLASSIC

RHYMING GAME. YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT

ME WITH THESE DEAD EYES AND I

FEEL LIKE I'M TELLIN' A HOT

STORY FROM A HOT TOME RIGHT NOW

AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY GOD DAMN

RESPECT OUT OF YOU TWO LITTLE

TURDS.

>>SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE REALLY

GRABBING AT STRAWS.

>>I AM NOT GRASPING AT STRAWS!

THAT STORY WAS A HIT.

>>EVEN I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF

DUMB.

>>EVEN HE THOUGHT IT WAS KIND

OF DUMB.

>>WELL, WHAT DOES HE KNOW?

HE'S JUST A BIG FAT BOZO.

>>YOU KNOW, GIVEN THE OPTION,

I THINK I'D RATHER GO BACK AND

LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLIER

STORIES.

>>NO! YOU MUST NOT DO THAT,

THAT IS THE ONE RULE OF THE

TOME.

>>BUT IT'S EASY, WE JUST HAVE

TO FLIP THE PAGES.

>>OH, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!

CHILDREN, CHILDREN, DO NOT DO

THAT, CHILDREN, NO!

>>AH, WELL...

>>WHERE ARE WE?

>>WE'RE IN THE STORY.

>>HEY, YOU'RE ME!

>>YEAH, I WAS JUST GOING TO GET

SOME--

>>NICK JAYS.

>>YEAH.

>>HERE YOU GO.

>>THANKS!

>>THAT'S-- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA! BE CAREFUL WITH THAT,

LITTLE GIRL.

>>WHAT? WHY?

>>JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WANT.

>>I WANT THOSE BURGERS.

>>THESE BURGERS?

>>YEAH!

>>I'M SO SORRY.

>>THANKS FOR THE BURGERS.

>>BYE.

>>AND THEN, AFTER I BORROWED

HER PANTS, I F---IN' DUMPED HER.

>>YEAH!

>>OH, YEAH!

>>THAT'S MEAN.

>>WHOA, WHO ARE YOU?

>>WHO AM I?

WHO THE F--- ARE YOU?

(SCREAMING)

>>WHOA, WHOA EVERYBODY, JUST

CALM DOWN. LET'S JUST FIND OUT

WHAT THIS GIRL WANTS.

>>SANDY...

NICE PANTS, BRO.

>>YEAH, THANKS.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>>I WANT YOUR PANTS.

>>NO.

>>NO...

>>COOL.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>>I'M REALLY SORRY. BYE.

>>SEE YA, JERKS.

>>I DON'T RECOGNIZE THIS STORY.

>>ME NEITHER.

>>WHERE ARE WE?

>>I DON'T KNOW.

>>ARE YOU GUYS BACKGROUND?

>>WE'RE KIDS.

>>SWEET, MUFFIN. HEH-HEH!

HEY, NICE PANTS, KID.

>>OH, THANKS, THEY'RE NEW.

>>PRETTY AWESOME.

OH, MAN, I NEEDED THIS.

>>HEY, GIVE ME THAT MUFFIN.

>>NO, I'M EATING IT.

>>PLEASE GIVE HER THAT MUFFIN.

>>THERE'S A BOWL FULL OF 'EM.

>>BUT I WANT THAT ONE.

>>BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, 'CAUSE

I'M EATING IT.

>>GIVE ME YOUR MUFFIN.

>>WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

(GUNSHOT)

(GASPING)

>>YOU SHOT ME.

>>COOL!

>>OH, MY GOD, YOU SHOT HIM.

>>BRIAN? BRIAN!

WHAT DID YOU KIDS DO?

>>HELLO?

>>IS ANYBODY THERE?

>>YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF

OF ALL STORIES. ALL THAT IS LEFT

IS A TALE OF A GRANDFATHER

READING TO HIS GRANDKIDS ABOUT

THE ROOM OF THE YOUNG DUDES.

(EVIL LAUGH)

[■■]

>>DID YOU DO THE PREMIUM

MEMBERSHIP THING?

>>YEAH, I THINK SO.

(GUNSHOT)

>>WHAT WAS THAT?

>>BRIAN? BRIAN!

WHAT DID YOU KIDS DO?

>>MARK, DID YOU SEE THOSE KIDS?

>>NO.

>>THEY JUST-- THEY WERE THERE

AND THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!

>>I DIDN'T SEE 'EM.

>>I THINK THEY SHOT BRIAN.

OH, MY GOD, BRIAN? BRIAN!

>>IS HE OKAY?

>>HE'S DEAD.

>>OH...

>>OH, MY GOD. OKAY.

>>WELL, LET'S SHOOT MY WEEKEND

AT BERNIE'S SKETCH.

>>BRIAN IS DEAD, MARK.

>>YEAH, AND WE'VE ONLY GOT

LIKE, 20 MINUTES LEFT ON THIS

GREEN SCREEN. CREW'S ALL HERE.

LET'S SHOOT THE SKETCH. NOBODY

CALLS 9-1-1 UNTIL WE'VE SHOT THE

SKETCH, THEN WE CAN MAKE ALL THE

CALLS WE WANT. OKAY, 20 MINUTES?

>>OKAY, UH, FINE. UH, WHY DON'T

YOU GUYS JUST SWITCH CHARACTERS?

BRIAN CAN PLAY BERNIE--

>>NO, NO, NO... I WROTE THIS

SKETCH, I'M BERNIE. YOU TWO ARE

THE TEENS.

>>BRIAN IS DEAD. CAN WE AT

LEAST MAYBE SWITCH HIM OUT WITH

ANOTHER PICNICFACE MEMBER WHO'S

ALIVE?

>>NO! BRIAN WANTED TO BE IN

THIS SKETCH, HE'S IN THE SKETCH!

YOU TWO ARE THE TEENS,

[■■]

>>AND SO, ANDY TRIED TO LIFT UP

BRIAN AND BERNIE. BUT-- I DON'T

EVEN KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO

ANYMORE. YOU KIDS ARE GONE,

IT'S JUST ME HERE.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BOOK.

DAMMIT...

>>IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY,

DOCTOR?

>>ACTUALLY, WE GENERALLY DON'T

TREAT DEAD PEOPLE.

>>YEAH, HE'S DEAD. I TOLD YOU,

MARK.

>>FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED YOU

GOT HIM PAST THE FRONT DESK.

I... HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR QUITE

SOME TIME. THAT SMELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S HIM.

>>IT'S DEATH.

>>YEAH, RIDICULOUS.

>>I'M SORRY, WE WOULD HAVE

ADMITTED HIM EARLIER, BUT WE HAD

TO FINISH A SKETCH.

>>WE'RE-- WE'RE NOT...

TALKING ABOUT THAT.

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT.

>>TALK ABOUT WHAT?

>>THE-- I-I... I'M NOT IN

THE...

OH, WE'RE JUST TALKING

ABOUT THAT THIS IS A SHOW. WE

ALL READY DID THE META-THING.

NOW, THIS IS LIKE, COME BACK

OUT...

>>WHAT LEVEL OF META ARE WE AT

RIGHT NOW?

>>THIRD?

>>I DON'T KNOW. 'CAUSE WE DO

THIS SKETCH INSIDE OF A SKETCH

AND YOU'RE PLAYING A DOCTOR, BUT

YOU'RE YOU, YOURSELF. I DON'T

EVEN KNOW ANYMORE AND BRIAN'S...

NOT DEAD?

>>IS HE DEAD?

>>NO, I'M NOT DEAD.

>>HE'S NOT DEAD.

>>WHAT?

>>ALL RIGHT AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY

PRETENDING TO BE REAL. AND I--

ARE YOU REALLY FREAKED OUT BY

IT?

>>I-- YEAH.

>>ARE YOU REALLY FREAKED OUT?

>>YEAH, I AM.

>>OR ARE YOU JUST BEING...

>>I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

>>NO, YOU DIDN'T.

>>WHAT ABOUT THOSE TWO KIDS?

>>WHAT TWO KIDS?

>>THE KIDS THAT SHOT HIM.

>>YEAH, THE KIDS THAT SHOT HIM?

BILL AND EVANY IN WIGS. THAT'S

WHAT UH...

>>WHAT?

>>YEAH, DON'T-- DON'T EVEN.

>>THAT'S A CAMERA, RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S A CAMERA. THAT'S A BOOM

MIC RIGHT THERE.

>>THERE'S A BOOM.

>>THOSE ARE SOME LIGHTS AND

THAT'S UH, CREW RIGHT OVER

THERE, MAN. AND THAT'S--

>>YOU SHOULD BE MORE, BE MORE,

BE MORE CONVINCING. BE MORE

CONVINCING. LIKE YOU'RE REALLY

CONFLICTED.

>>JUST BE REALLY FREAKED OUT.

REALLY FREAKED OUT.

>>BRING IT BACK IT BACK IN.

BRING IT BACK IN, I'M THE

DOCTOR.

>>REALLY FREAK OUT, REALLY

FREAK OUT. YOU'RE EMOTIONAL,

YOU'RE DEAD.

>>MARK, NONE OF THIS IS REAL.