Original subtitles

CLOSING STATEMENTS FROM THE

DEFENSE.

[CHERYL] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF

THE JURY, BEFORE YOU RETIRE TO

DETERMINE MY GUILT, I JUST WANT

TO ASK YOU ONE QUESTION:

DO I LOOK LIKE A RAPIST?

[■■]

[MARK] HEY GUYS, MARK HERE.

WE'RE GEARING UP TO PLAY SOME

CHARADES. WE'RE GONNA DO IT

RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO IT NOW.

WHO'S READY?

[BILL] OH, THEY'RE READY.

[EVANY] UH, SOUNDS LIKE...

[MARK] THIS IS TRADITIONAL

CHARADES. I'M TALKIN' TIMED

ROUNDS, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ACTED

OUT.

[SCOTT] AVATAR.

[EVANY] AVATAR!

[SCOTT] YES! YEAH. YEEEEAH!

[MARK] COUNT THE SYLLABLES, KEEP

THE PACE, BUT KEEP YOUR HEAD.

[BRIAN] UH, CHEST. UH... ME.

[MARK] LET'S GET IT ON!

[BRIAN] UH, BRIAN.

[BRIAN] UH, YOU'RE OUT.

[BRIAN] UH, TROUPE.

TROUPE!

[ANDREW] TIME!

[BRIAN] YES! SCREW YOU, KYLE.

[BILL] CHARADES.

[CHERYL] THE PRODUCERS SAID WE

SHOULD HAVE A MINORITY IN THE

GROUP, SO WE'RE REPLACING YOU.

[BRIAN] WHO'S MY REPLACEMENT?

[CHERYL] GORD.

[BRIAN] THE BOOM MIC GUY?

[EVANY] BRIAN, GORD IS NATIVE.

[GORD] I'M MI'KMAQ.

[BRIAN] OH, CONGRATULATIONS.

GOOD FOR YOU.

[EVANY] BRIAN, YOU'RE THE

WHITEST MEMBER OF THE TROUPE.

[BRIAN] THAT'S NOT TRUE. SCOTT

IS WHITER THAN I AM.

[CHERYL] ACTUALLY, SCOTT IS

CRAZY TANNED FROM THE WAIST

DOWN.

[SCOTT] YEAH, CHECK THIS OUT.

(RIP!)

[KYLE] WHOA HO HO, NICE! BUILT,

MUCHACHO.

[ANDREW] LET'S GO.

[BRIAN] OW! I HATE YOU--

[ANDREW] SHUT UP, WHITEY.

LET'S GO.

[MARK] THAT'S HOW YOU REPLACE A

GROUP MEMBER, THAT'S HOW YOU

RUIN SOMEONE'S DAY.

[BILL] THAT'S HOW YOU GIVE

SOMEONE AN OPPORTUNITY THAT THEY

DON'T THINK IS AN OPPORTUNITY

UNTIL THEY'VE GAINED A BIT OF

PERSPECTIVE. GOOD LUCK, BRIAN.

[MARK] THAT'S CHARADES!

[NARRATOR] MEET THE NEW

PICNICFACE. ANDY, KYLE, EVANY,

MARK, CHERYL, BILL, SCOTT,

AND INTRODUCING...

[■■]

[GORD] I'M OF THE MI'KMAQ

NATION.

[■■]

[SCOTT] WELL HERE'S MY THOUGHT

OR TWO...

YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE!

>>BUT SIR, YOU CAN'T JUST GO

OUT THERE.

[SCOTT] GET OUT OF HERE!

[SCOTT] RECOGNIZE ME NOW? THIS

IS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE BEFORE I

FOUND CELEBRITY VARNISH. BUT

[NARRATOR] SIMPLY APPLY A THICK

COAT OF OUR UNIQUELY FORMULATED

VARNISH TO YOUR HEAD THREE TIMES

DAILY...

AND HELLO HOLLYWOOD,

CALIFORNIA.

YOU'RE NOW A CELEBRITY.

[NARRATOR] THIS WOMAN HAD THREE

AUDITIONS IN HER FIRST WEEK

USING CELEBRITY VARNISH.

[NARRATOR] LOOK AT THIS GUY.

WOW!

JUST LOOK AT HIM.

[■■]

THIS...

TO THIS.

[NARRATOR] SEEMS LIKE THIS ONE

WILL HAPPEN ALL THE TIME WITH

CELEBRITY VARNISH. LOOK AT THEM.

WOW. JUST LOOK AT THEM ALL.

[■■]

[■■]

[OLD LADY] OKAY, WHICH SPEECH

DEFECT AFFLICTED CANADA'S THIRD

GOVERNOR GENERAL, LORD DUFFERIN?

JASON?

[JASON] I DON'T KNOW, MAN. TELL

ME SOMETHING FOR REAL: IS THAT

FERN BEHIND ME MOVING?

[OLD LADY] JASON, THERE'S NO ONE

IN THE FERN, SO...

[JASON] YOU'D TELL ME IF THERE

WAS A FUCKIN DUDE IN THAT FERN,

WOULDN'T YOU?

[OLD LADY] THERE'S NO ONE IN THE

FERN, JASON. WE'RE JUST TRYING

TO HAVE A NICE GAME, AREN'T WE,

MARGARET?

[MARGARET] ER... WHAT IS IT--

COULD SOMEBODY PASS ME MY

WALLET?

[OLD LADY] MARGARET, IT'S RIGHT

THERE.

[JASON] I'M GONNA PUT A GUN IN

THAT FERN AND START FIRING.

[MARGARET] MY WALLET.

[NARRATOR] TRIVIA-BASED BOARD

GAMES. EACH YEAR THOUSANDS OF

FAMILIES ENJOY PLAYING THEM, BUT

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW

TRIVIA-BASED BOARD GAMES ARE

MADE? WHERE DO THEY COME FROM,

AND HOW ARE THEY MADE? TIME TO

TAKE ANOTHER TRIP TO FIND OUT.

READY, TRAVEL CROW?

(CAWING)

LOCAL MALL, HOME OF THE FOOD

COURT, THE "EVERYTHING FOR ON

FIRE" STORE, AND THE GAME STORE.

WE ASKED AN EMPLOYEE WHERE THIS

GAME STORE GETS ITS TRIVIA-BASED

BOARD GAMES.

[JOSH] HEY, MY NAME'S JOSH.

[NARRATOR] THAT'S RIGHT. FROM

NEW YORK CITY.

(CAWING)

[NARRATOR] HERE IN NEW YORK IS

THE COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURES

ALL OF YOUR FAVOURITE

TRIVIA-BASED BOARD GAMES,

INCLUDING, "BRAINSIES".

"FOUR CHIN".

"40-SOMETHING MAN AND HIS HORSE

FRIENDS" TRIVIA.

AND "CORN GA" TRIVIA.

ALL THESE GAMES ARE MADE IN THIS

ONE BUILDING.

>>IT'S A GOOD WORKING

ENVIRONMENT. WOULDN'T YOU SAY

SO, STANLEY?

[STANLEY] MAN, YOU GOTTA HELP

ME, I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE--

[NARRATOR] BUT HOW DO THEY COME

UP WITH THE QUESTIONS THAT GO ON

THE TRIVIA CARD? TO FIND OUT,

LET'S TRAVEL ALL THE WAY TO THE

ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE.

(CAWING)

[NARRATOR] HERE, WE SEE AN

ARISTOCRAT BUSY COLLECTING

TRIVIA. HE'LL FIND THE FACTS AND

RELAY THEM TO HIS MAN-SERVANT,

WHO MAKES NOTES IN HIS TOMES.

RIGHT NOW, THE COLLECTOR IS

NOTICING THAT MEADOWS ARE

MOSTLY GREEN.

THIS WILL BECOME A QUESTION

ON ONE OF YOUR TRIVIA CARDS.

(LAME SPOKEN SOUND EFFECT)

[NARRATOR] THESE ARISTOCRATS CAN

BE FOUND IN ALL CORNERS OF THE

WORLD. FROM FIELDS, TO RECORD

STORES, TO OUTER SPACE.

(LAME SPOKEN SOUND EFFECT)

[NARRATOR] ALL OF THIS SO THAT

YOU CAN PLAY A NICE,

TRIVIA-BASED BOARD GAME AT HOME

WITH YOUR FAMILY.

[OLD LADY] WELL, THAT WAS AN

INTERESTING LESSON, WASN'T IT,

JASON?

[JASON] OH MY GOD, THERE HE IS.

HE'S RIGHT IN THE FERN, HE'S

[■■]

[EVANY] I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME

TONIGHT.

[■■]

(ZOOM!)

(CRASH)

[VOICE] BILLY, HEXICON IS BACK.

WE NEED YOU. YOU'RE ONE OF THE

LAST TRANSFORMERS LEFT.

[EVANY] HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A

TRANSFORMER.

[VOICE] THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S AN

INTERNAL TRANSFORMER. ALL HIS

ORGANS ARE CARS.

[EVANY] WHAT?

(MECHANICAL NOISES)

[EVANY] OH GOD!

(CAR ENGINES)

[EVANY] (CRYING)

[■■]

[NARRATOR] PREVIOUSLY ON

[■■]

[BRIAN] BRIAN, YOU'RE OUT OF THE

[■■]

[BRIAN] SCREW YOU!

[■■]

[■■]

[GORD] I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE NEXT

[■■]

[SCOTT] WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE

ACTUALLY AGREED TO GO OUT WITH

ME. SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

[CHERYL] WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE

ACTUALLY ASKED ME OUT. HE'S SUCH

A BABE.

[GORD] HI, MY NAME IS MIKE, AND

I'LL BE YOUR WAITER THIS

EVENING. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY

SOME OF OUR HOUSE WINE?

[SCOTT] SURE. THAT'D BE GREAT.

[CHERYL] YES, PLEASE.

[GORD] WHAT A NICE COUPLE. THEY

REMIND ME OF MY GRANDPARENTS,

WHO WERE PART OF THE MI'KMAQ

NATION. AT THE TIME OF THE FIRST

CONTACT WITH EUROPEAN EXPLORERS

IN THE 16TH AND 17TH CENTURIES,

THE MI'KMAQ LIVED IN THE REGION

NOW KNOWN AS THE MARITIME

PROVINCES, AND THE GASPE

PENINSULA. LATER, THEY ALSO

SETTLED IN NEW ENGLAND AND

NEWFOUNDLAND.

THE MI'KMAQ CALLED THEMSELVES

L'NU'K, MEANING "THE PEOPLE".

THE TERM MI'KMAQ COMES FROM THE

WORD NIKMAK,

MEANING "MY KIN FRIENDS".

THE MI'KMAQ LANGUAGE IS RICH

AND DESCRIPTIVE. THEIR NAME FOR

THE MONTH OF MAY IS TQOLJEWIKU:

"FROG CROAKING MOON".

[GORD] MORE WINE?

[SCOTT] SURE--

[GORD] THE MI'KMAQ NATION HAS

POPULATION OF ABOUT 40,000, OF

WHOM NEARLY 11,000 SPEAK

THE ALGONQUIN LANGUAGE,

M■KMAW■SIMK.

[SCOTT] EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU'RE

MI'KMAQ, AREN'T YOU?

[CHERYL] I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK

THAT. YOU READ MY MIND.

[GORD] SEEMS YOU WERE BOTH

READING MINE.

[■■]

[BRIAN] HOW COULD THEY KICK ME

OUT OF THE GROUP?

ME! BRIAN!

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

WHAT AM I, IF NOT A SKETCH

COMEDIAN?

I'M NOT GONNA CRY.

I'M GONNA STAY STRONG.

DON'T... YOU... CRY.

(CRYING)

WHY ME? WHY?

(HYSTERICAL CRYING)

WHY? WHY DOES THIS HURT SO

[■■]

[EVANY] ALRIGHTY. SO WHAT IS THE

PLAN TONIGHT?

[EVANY] GREAT. WHAT MOVIE ARE WE

WATCHING?

[CHERYL] ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST

GONNA--

[SCOTT] PIZZA'S HERE.

[CHERYL] ERIC!

[SCOTT] HEY.

[CHERYL] HEY. OH, IT'S SO GOOD

TO SEE YOU.

[SCOTT] GOOD TO SEE YOU.

[CHERYL] DID YOU BRING THE

MOVIE?

[SCOTT] OH, WHAT, THIS MOVIE?

[CHERYL] YES, THIS MOVIE, ERIC.

UM, DO YOU MIND IF WE...

[EVANY] LET'S DO IT. I'M READY.

[CHERYL] OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW

HOW THEY SAY THAT TWO IS

COMPANY.. US...

BUT THREE IS--

[EVANY] MORE COMPANY.

[CHERYL] NO. WE'RE JUST GONNA GO

UPSTAIRS AND WATCH THIS. IT'LL

BE EASIER.

[EVANY] PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME

ALONE.

[CHERYL] YOU'RE BEING WEIRD.

[EVANY] DONT'T GO-- OW!

PLEASE?

[■■]

>>WE GOT YOU ALONE.

>>YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>>C'MON SWEETHEART, LET'S GO

TO SALSA DANCING AT GOMER'S.

[EVANY] I DON'T WANT TO GO SALSA

DANCING AT GOMER'S.

>>OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO

MUCH FUN AT GOMER'S. IT'S

AWESOME. IT'S FUN TIME TONIGHT.

>>YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO... SO...

>>GOMER'S IS A SALSA CLUB.

>>THE SAME RULES APPLY FOR ALL

DANCING.

>>DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

PLEASE DON'T GO.

NO, DON'T GO.

OH NO.

[ANSWERING MACHINE] ZERO

[■■]

■LIVING ALONE

ALL OF THE TIME■

[ANSWERING MACHINE] ZERO

MESSAGES.

[NARRATOR] PREVIOUSLY,

[■■]

[ANDREW] HEY GUYS, WE WERE JUST

TALKING ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH

GORD, BECAUSE... HE'S NOT REALLY

FUNNY. AND IT'S NOT A NATIVE

THING. IT'S JUST, HE'S REALLY

BORING.

[SCOTT] I DON'T KNOW. I KINDA

LIKE GORD. IT'S LIKE I LAUGH AND

I LEARN.

IT'S LIKE A DOUBLE THING.

[ANDREW] SCOTT, DO YOU HAVE TO

TAN HERE?

[EVANY] I DON'T SEE WHY WE NEED

GORD AT ALL. WE ALREADY HAVE A

MINORITY IN THE GROUP.

[ANDREW] WHO?

[EVANY] IT'S ME. I'M JEWISH.

[SCOTT] WELL, DON'T CALL

MEETINGS IN THE AFTERNOON IF YOU

DON'T WANT ME TO SHOW UP IN MY

TAN PANTS.

LIKE ME TO CALL--

[SCOTT] I NEED TO TAN AT A

REGULAR SCHEDULE.

[SCOTT] MONDAY TO FRIDAY,

3 TO 4, TAN PANTS.

[BILL] I'M THE MINORITY.

[ANDREW] WHAT MINORITY ARE YOU,

BILL?

[BILL] OH COME ON, ANDY. IT'S

ME, GAY BILL.

[ANDREW] YOU'RE MARRIED.

[BILL] ANDY. GAY PEOPLE CAN GET

MARRIED.

(BUZZING)

[ANDREW] WE HAVE TWO MINORITIES

HERE, SO THERE YOU GO. JEWISH

EVANY, THERE IT IS, AND GAY

BILL. PERFECT. YEAH. THAT'S

AWESOME.

[CHERYL] HOW DO THESE THINGS GO,

SCOTT?

[SCOTT] ONE IS LATINO,

AND 10 IS VERY LATINO.

[CHERYL] I'M GOING TO GET THAT

GOING FOR YOU.

[■■]

[ANDREW] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ANDREW] WHAT, AM I JEWISH NOW?

AM I JEWISH? AM I A JEW NOW?

OH, AM I DOING THE JEW--

OH, I'M A GAY JEW!

LOOK AT ME, I'M A GAY JEW.

OH! GAY JEW ANDY!

GAY JEW ANDY--

[EVANY] THAT'S REALLY RACIST,

ANDY!

[ANDREW] YOU FORGOT HOMOPHO--

[MARK] OKAY GENTLEMEN...

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT OUR

TRUCKS?

THEY'RE HUGE.

THERE'S ONE.

[MARK] GOTTA HAVE ONE OF THESE

TRUCKS.

NO QUESTION.

[MARK] MAYBE YOU--

MAYBE YOU SAY,

"I DON'T WANT YOUR TRUCK."

[MARK] EXPARDON ME?

YOU SHUT YOUR FUGGUP.

[MARK] YOU DON'T GET IT.

NUT.

[MARK] PEOPLE MIGHT SAY,

"IT'S TOO BIG, THIS TRUCK".

ZIPPER YOUR MOUTH.

YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW DIT--

CRUMB!

[MARK] UWAN--

GARF!

[MARK] THIS TRUCK'S FOR YOU!

(GROAN)

[MARK] KEEP IT TOGETHER,

KEEP IT TOGETHER.

(INCOHERENT)

[MARK] ANY QUESTIONS?

NO.

[NARRATOR] PREVIOUSLY ON,

[■■]

>>MAYBE YOU'RE AFRAID TO TRY TO

LEARN TO BOWL?

>>I'M HAVING MORE FUN JUST

WATCHING.

>>EVERY PERSON HAS THE MAKINGS

OF A GOOD BOWLER.

[BRIAN] TOO WHITE?

THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY

SENSE. TOO WHITE.

HOW COULD SOMEONE BE TOO WHITE?

[MARK] YOU GOT A LOT OF KNOTS

IN HERE. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

[BRIAN] THAT'S PRETTY GOOD,

DUSTY, THANKS.

[MARK] YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GO

BACK AND GIVE YOUR FRIENDS A

PIECE OF YOUR MIND.

[BRIAN] YEAH.

[MARK] LET EM KNOW WHY YOU

DESERVE TO BE IN THAT SKETCH

TROUPE.

[BRIAN] YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[MARK] YEAH, MURDER THEM.

[BRIAN] WHAT?

[MARK] WHAT?

[BRIAN] WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

[MARK] I DON'T KNOW.

[BRIAN] ALL RIGHT.

[MARK] GET BACK THERE, AND SHOW

THEM THAT YOU'RE THE BIGGER MAN.

[BRIAN] I AM THE BIGGEST MAN.

[MARK] YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MAN.

[BRIAN] YEAH!

[MARK] PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

[BRIAN] I WILL.

[MARK] SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'RE

MADE OF.

[BRIAN] YEAH!

[MARK] MURDER THEM!

[BRIAN] NO!

[MARK] PLEASE! PLEASE MURDER

THEM. OH, BLOOD MUST BE SPILLED

ON THIS DAY. IF NOT YOURS, THEN

WHO'S? OH GREAT LORD, OH LORD,

IF IT MUST BE MINE, THEN IT

SHALL.

(INCOHERENT)

CREATOR OF THE FINEST NOVELTY

LINENS, OH WITH YOUR CHAIN

STORES AND YOUR FINE,

ONE-PIECE PAJAM, OH CREATOR

THE QUEEN SIZED BED AND THE

MINIATURE ASS...

OH!

[MARK] AND THEN GORD WOULD BE

RIGHT HERE.

[EVANY] DO WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM

LINES?

[MARK] YEAH... WELL, YEAH.

[BRIAN] HEY!

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU START

TAKING--

OH!

[EVANY] OH MY GOD.

(CRACK)

[BRIAN] (GROANING)

[EVANY] CALL AN AMBULANCE,

CALL AN AMBULANCE.

(SIRENS)

[EVANY] OH MY GOD.

WHY ARE YOU DIALING SO MANY

NUMBERS?

[MARK] I'M TEXTING.

AMBULANCE?!

[MARK] I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO

A WHOLE CONVERSATION.

[EVANY] JUST CALL THE FUCKING

AMBULANCE, MARK!

[MARK/EVANY] (ARGUING)

[BRIAN] (GASP)

[CHERYL] BRIAN. ARE YOU OKAY?

[BRIAN] WHERE AM I?

[CHERYL] YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.

THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'RE GOING TO

BE IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE.

[BRIAN] OH JESUS!

[KYLE] NO, NO, NO. IT'S GOOD.

YOU'LL BE OUR TOKEN WHEEL CHAIR

GUY NOW. YOU FILLED THE MANDATE.

[GORD] I HEARD ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED WITH BRIAN.

ARE YOU OKAY?

[CHERYL] GORD...

BRIAN'S OUR TOKEN MINORITY NOW,

SO...

YOU'RE OUT OF THE GROUP.

[MARK] YEAH, GORD.

GET OFF OUR LAND.

[ANDREW] OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE

BEST CHOICE OF WORDS FOR THAT.

[KYLE] DOES ANYONE SMELL BURNT

FLESH?

[EVANY] KIND OF.

[ALL] EWW.

[SCOTT] OH, HEY GUYS. FELL

ASLEEP IN MY TAN PANTS. DOCTOR

SAID I'VE GOT 10TH DEGREE TANS.

[KYLE] THAT IS GROSS.

[MARK] LET'S CLOSE THAT UP.

[KYLE] YEAH, I NEVER WANT TO

LOOK AT THAT OR BE REMINDED OF

THAT AGAIN.

(EAGLE CAWING)

[ANDREW] GUYS!

LOOK! IT'S AN EAGLE.

WAIT A SECOND, WHERE'S GORD?

OH MY GOD. I THINK GORD TURNED

INTO AN EAGLE.

[CHERYL] COOL.

[BILL] WOW.

[KYLE] THEY CAN JUST DO THAT?

[GORD] I'M RIGHT HERE.

[ANDREW] I GENUINELY THOUGHT YOU

TURNED INTO AN EAGLE.

I'M SORRY GORD.

I AM REALLY SORRY.

I... THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE...