Original subtitles

[NARRATOR] DO YOU DO THIS, THIS

[NARRATOR] TRY THIS.

[ANDREW] THANKS! NOW I DO THIS.

[NARRATOR] CALL 1-000-TRY THIS.

[■■]

[BILL] WE JUST GOT OUR NETWORK

DEMOGRAPHICS. IT SHOWS HOW EACH

OF US TESTED WITH DIFFERENT AGE

GROUPS. EVERYONE DID REALLY WELL

WITH 14 TO 28 YEAR OLDS, EXCEPT

ANDY. YOU REALLY HIT THE 65 PLUS

DEMOGRAPHIC.

[MARK] YOU'RE THE OLD ONE.

THAT'S YOUR THING.

[ANDREW] THAT'S NOT MY THING!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S MY THING?

I'M NOT THE... MY THING IS I'M

THE...

[BILL] RACIST?

[ANDREW] YEAH. NO! I'M NOT THE

RACIST.

[MARK] IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THERE'S JUST A GENERATION GAP

BETWEEN US.

GENERATION GAP. YOU'RE FOUR

YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

[MARK] IT'S STILL A GAP. LIKE,

WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

[ANDREW] MARTIN.

[MARK] MARTIN.

[ANDREW] WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE

NAME?

[MARK] HOT GROOVE.

[ANDREW] HOT GROOVE? YOUR MIDDLE

NAME IS HOT GROOVE?

[MARK] YEAH.

[ANDREW] SCOTT IS LIKE THE SAME

AGE AS ME. IN FACT, I THINK HE'S

THREE MONTHS OLDER THAN ME.

SO...

[MARK] YEAH, BUT SCOTT DOES

THINGS THAT MAKE HIM SEEM

[SCOTT] MOM'S UP, MOM'S UP.

YEAH!

[ANDREW] WHAT IS MOM'S UP? I'VE

NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

[SCOTT] MOM'S UP. YOU GO, MOM'S

UP.

[ANDREW] YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M

GOING TO PROVE TO ALL OF YOU

THAT I'M THE YOUNGEST SKEWING

PERSON HERE.

[MARK] HOW DID YOU DO?

[BILL] UM... PEOPLE THINK I'M

[■■]

>>EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE

GROUND, THIS IS A ROBBERY.

[ANDREW] YOU! DOWN ON THE

GROUND.

(SHOUTING)

[MARK] YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TO GET

ROBBED BY TRUCKERS, DID YOU?

[BRIAN] IT'S THE TRUCKERS!

(SIRENS)

[ANDREW] IT'S THE COPS.

[BRIAN] WHAT ARE WE DOING? WE'RE

NOT ROBBERS. WE'RE TRUCKERS!

[MARK] BAD LUCK.

[ANDREW] BAD LUCK? HOW DID THEY

KNOW WE WERE GONNA BE HERE? WE

WERE RATTED OUT.

[BRIAN] IT WASN'T ME.

[MARK] IT WASN'T ME.

[ANDREW] WELL ONE OF YOU IS A

RAT.

[MARK] LISTEN, WITH REGARD TO

OUR...

[ANDREW] WHOA, WHOA. WITH REGARD

TO?

[MARK] I JUST MEAN IN TERMS OF

HOW WE...

[ANDREW] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. IN

TERMS OF? WHAT IS THIS, WORD

COLLEGE?

[MARK] PLEASE, I...

[ANDREW] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

PLEASE? LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND

OURSELVES A RAT.

[MARK] NO. I'M NOT A RAT. I'M A

TRUCKER.

[ANDREW] WELL, IF YOU'RE A

TRUCKER, WHAT'S THE TRUCKER

PASSWORD?

[MARK] TRUCK?

[BRIAN] CHECKS OUT.

[ANDREW] LUCKY GUESS... WHAT'S

THAT?

[MARK] NOTHING. JUST MY BIG, FAT

TRUCKER GUT.

[ANDREW] THAT'S YOUR BIG, FAT

TRUCKER... THAT'S NOT TRUCKER

GUTS!

[BRIAN] THAT'S JUST TINY BAGS OF

CHIPS!

[ANDREW] TINY BAGS OF LIES.

[ANDREW] WAIT A SECOND... THIS

ISN'T A BLUE COLLAR. IT'S JUST A

WHITE COLLAR, PAINTED BLUE!

[BRIAN] HIS MULLET IS JUST

ATTACHED TO HIS HAT!

[ANDREW] YOU CAN'T... WAIT A

SECOND. HIS SKIN. IT'S SWEET.

YOU'RE NOT A TRUCKER AT ALL.

YOU'RE A BAG OF SUGAR. I'VE BEEN

TALKING TO A BAG OF SUGAR THE

WHOLE TIME. BILL, THIS MUST HAVE

BEEN IN OUR MINDS. BILL? B...

BILL? YOU'RE COLD TO THE TOUCH.

YOU'RE NOT A TRUCKER. YOU'RE A

SPOON. A BAG OF SUGAR AND A

SPOON! AND THIS AIN'T A

CONVENIENCE STORE. IT'S A BOWL

OF CEREAL. I'M NOT A TRUCKER.

I'M A DEER. I'M A DEER IN A BOWL

OF CEREAL.

(DEER NOISES)

>>BABY DEERS, BABY DEERS;

LIFE'S SURREAL BECAUSE OF BABY

DEERS. NO MORE TEARS, WITH THE

BABY DEARS, THROW AWAY YOUR

FEARS WITH THE BABY DEERS.

HONEY, OATS, AND DEERS. HONEY,

OATS, AND DEERS. BABY DEERS,

BABY D- D- DEARS.

[ANNOUNCER] LIFE CEREAL. NOW

[■■]

[VICTOR] HELLO. I'M VICTOR LIFE

CEREAL. FOUNDER AND CEO OF LIFE

CEREALS. IN EACH BOX OF LIFE

CEREAL YOU'LL FIND A BABY DEER.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME KNOW, GREGORY

CHEERIO? CAN YOUR CARTOON BEE

COMPETE WITH WHAT A LIVE BABY

DEER CAN DO?

[GREGORY] I'M GREGORY CHEERIO. I

HEAR YOUR CHALLENGE, VICTOR LIFE

CEREAL, AND YOU'RE ON. FROM NOW

ON, EVERY BOX OF CHEERIOS WILL

COME WITH A SWARM OF LIVE BEES.

EVERY BOX IS GOING TO BE PRE-

SHAKEN IN THE FACTORY TO ENSURE

OPTIMUM BEE RAGE. I SEE YOUR

CHALLENGE, VICTOR LIFE CEREAL,

AND I'M INTO IT... SORRY. CAN I

SEE A SCRIPT FOR A MINUTE?

[KYLE] YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

[ANDREW] HEY, WHAT'S UP, COOL

DUDES? IT'S ME, COOL YOUNG ANDY.

IF YOU'RE 65 AND OVER YOU'D

BETTER TUNE OUT RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. I'M

GONNA DO A COOL PRANK RIGHT NOW

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. I'M GONNA

CHUG MY OWN PISS.

[ANDREW] YO, WHAT'S UP, OLD

FOGIES? WHAT'S GOING ON?

[BILL] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ANDREW] YEAH, MY NAME IS ANDY,

AND THIS IS PISS CHUG.

(GAGGING)

[BILL] WHO'S PISS IS THAT?

[ANDREW] IT'S MY OWN PISS.

[VOICE] CAN WE GET HIM OUT FOR A

SECOND SO WE CAN THROW DOWN ON

THIS?

[BILL] WE'RE BEHIND, ANDY.

[ANDREW] I KNOW WE'RE BEHIND,

BILL.

[ANDREW] JUST, IN THE HALLWAY,

PLEASE.

[KYLE] IF YOU DON'T MIND. IT'S

JUST THAT WE GOT FIVE MINUTES TO

GET THIS...

[BILL] STOP CHUGGING YOUR PISS!

OH FUCK!

(GROANING)

[BILL] CAN WE JUST PULL TIGHTER

AND I CAN DO THE LINES?

[KYLE] NO, NO, IT'S GOOD. IT'S

GOOD. HE'S GONE.

[VOICE] CLOSE THE DOOR AND LOCK

IT DOWN OUT THERE. DON'T LET HIM

BACK IN.

[GREGORY] I'M GREGORY CHEERIO. I

SEE YOUR CHALLENGE VICTOR LIFE

CEREAL.

[VOICE] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

[GREGORY] AND YOU'RE ON.

[BILL] FUCK!

[ANDREW] YOU DRINK THE PISS!

[KYLE] NO ONE'S DRINKING YOUR

GODDAMN PISS!

[■■]

[NARRATOR] PREVIOUSLY ON

PICNICFACE...

[ANDREW] PISS. PISS. CHUG MY OWN

PISS.

[BRIAN] IT'S THE TRUCKERS. IT'S

THE TRUCKERS.

(NOISE)

[GREGORY] PRE-SHAKEN. SHAKEN.

SH- SH- SH- SHAKEN.

RAGE!

[PATRICK] HI. I'M PATRICK

CORNPOPS. RIGHT NOW EVERY BOX OF

CORNPOPS COMES WITH ITS VERY OWN

BOX. YOU WON'T HAVE TO POUR IT

IN YOUR HANDS ANYMORE! IT'S

GREAT. FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND

PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH IT. GIVE ME

YOUR KIDS!

[HAROLD] I'M HAROLD HONEYCOMB.

EVERY BOX OF HONEYCOMBS NOW

COMES WITH A SMALL...

(COUGHING)

[HAROLD] HOLY SHIT. OH MAN.

OKAY. IN EVERY BOX OF HONEYCOMB

CEREAL, YOU'LL FIND A SMALL TO

MEDIUM SIZED HUMAN SKULL. SOME

MIGHT SAY TO ME, HAROLD, WHY PUT

A HUMAN SKULL INSIDE OF A BOX OF

HONEYCOMBS. TO WHICH, I WOULD

REPLY, WHY NOT. TO WHICH THEY

REPLY, BECAUSE IT'S A CEREAL FOR

CHILDREN.

[HAROLD] AND I WOULDN'T HAVE AN

ANSWER TO THAT.

[TOM] HEY, WE'RE THE SHREDDIES

BROTHERS, TOM AND JIM SHREDDIE.

IN EVERY BOX OF SHREDDIES CEREAL

YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING VERY

SPECIAL. BUT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT IT IS, YOU GOT TO PULL UP

(SMACKING)

[■■]

[TOM] AND BUY A BOX OF

[■■]

[TAD] HI, I'M TAD MUSLIX. NOW

EACH BOX OF MUSLIX COMES WITH

[■■]

[ALL] BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY,

IT'S YOUR...

[EVANY] BLOW OUT THE CANDLES,

SWEETIE.

[BRIAN] YEAH, LET'S SEE HOW MANY

BOYFRIENDS YOU HAVE.

[BRIAN] UH OH.

[EVANY] IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE

BOYFRIENDS.

[ANDREW] ACTUALLY, I'M HER

BOYFRIEND.

[DEMONIC VOICE] THE CAKE

DECIDES!

(SCREAMS AND CHOKING)

[BRIAN] HEY...

[KYLE] ZAT WOULD BE WEIRD...

[ANDREW] HEY, WHAT'S UP, DUDES?

I'M GONNA GET FRESH WITH THIS

OLD FOGIE HERE. OKAY. MY NAME IS

ANDY. I'M WHAT'S UP WITH THE

WHAT, AND THIS IS SKATEBOARD

TRICK. CHECK THIS OUT, YOU'RE

NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.

[MARK] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ANDREW] CHECK IT OUT!

(THUD)

(PAINED LAUGHTER)

[ANDREW] OH MY BACK! THAT WAS

RAN-DOM! OH! WHAT'S UP KIDS? DO

THIS AT HOME. YOU DON'T NEED

HELMETS. WHO CARES? HELMETS ARE

FOR OLD PEOPLE. IT'S FOR OLD

PEOPLE, KIDS!

[MARK] WHY DOES YOUR BREATH

[MARK] OH! OH, HEY THERE GIRL.

HEY STOP RIGHT THERE. WHERE ARE

YOU HEADED SO FAST? ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR A NICE COLD POOTIE

PARTY?

[SCOTT] YOU BRING THE POOTIE,

WE'LL BRING... WE WILL THANK YOU

FOR BRINGING THE POOTIE.

[MARK] YEAH. GET THAT FINE

LITTLE TUSH ON UP HERE.

[SCOTT] PUSH THAT TUSH.

[MARK] YEAH, HAVE A LITTLE SEAT

ON MY LAPSICLE. I'LL MAKE LOVE

TO YOU LIKE A CONFUSED BEAR.

AWKWARDLY, AND IN A MANNER THAT

SUGGESTS I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE.

[SCOTT] THAT MAN'S SCARED!

SCARED OF THAT POOTIE.

[MARK] I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I

LIKE MY SCOTCH, GIRL. ON ROCKS.

[SCOTT] SHOW HER YOUR ROCKS.

[MARK] I GOT A POCKET FULL OF

STONES, GIRL.

[SCOTT] YOU LOVE IT.

[MARK] YEAH, I'LL MAKE LOVE TO

YOU ON THESE.

[SCOTT] ROCK AND ROLL.

[MARK] SHOCK A MOCK.

[SCOTT] BRRRAT.

[MARK] I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I

LIKE MY ROCKS: IN SCOTCH.

[SCOTT] BA-DOOM-BOOM.

[MARK] YOU CAN'T FATHOM MY

LENGTH GIRL.

[SCOTT] NO, YOU CAN'T.

[MARK] IT'S LIKE STRINGING TWO

TIN CANS TOGETHER. HELLO? I'M IN

YOU.

[MARK] OH YEAH!

[SCOTT] SWEET POTATO PIE.

[MARK] WHACK-A-BEE.

[SCOTT] PETE ROSE POOTIE PARTY.

[MARK] POOTIE POOTIE PARTY.

[SCOTT] POOTIE PARTY.

[MARK] POOTIE POOTIE PARTY.

[MARK] SHACK!

[SCOTT] BOOM.

[MARK] SHACK!

[SCOTT] BOOM.

[MARK] SHACK SHACK...

[SCOTT] BA-DOOM-BOOM.

>>GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS

ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE

STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE POOTIE

PARTY. POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE

POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE PARTY.

POOTIE POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE

PARTY. POOTIE POOTIE PARTY.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON

THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON

THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON

THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON

THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. GIRLS ON

THE STREET. GIRLS ON THE STREET.

GIRLS ON THE STREET. THERE'S

GIRLS ON THE STREET. POOTIE

PARTY. POOTIE POOTIE PARTY.

POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE POOTIE

PARTY. POOTIE PARTY. POOTIE

[SCOTT] BRRRAT.

[SCOTT] HEY, I'M SCOTT VRONEN,

THE ACTUAL PERSON. LATELY I'VE

OBSERVED A LARGE NUMBER OF

HILARIOUS INTERNET VIDEOS

FEATURING CATS. BASED ON THIS

EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE, I'VE FORMED

A HYPOTHESIS. CATS ARE

INHERENTLY FUNNY. TO TEST THIS

HYPOTHESIS, I'M GOING TO ADD A

CAT TO A SCENE TO SEE IF IT

MAKES THAT SCENE MORE AMUSING.

IN THE SKETCH YOU JUST SAW,

THERE WERE NO CATS. LETS SEE

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ADD ONE.

[MARK] WHERE ARE YOU GOING

THERE, GIRL? OH YEAH. I'LL MAKE

LOVE TO YOU GIRL. I'LL MAKE LOVE

TO YOU LIKE A CONFUSED BEAR.

(LAUGHING)

[SCOTT] WELL, CLEARLY THAT WAS A

SUCCESS. BUT LETS INCREASE THE

CAT VARIABLE BY ONE CAT. SO TWO

[SCOTT] WELL OBVIOUSLY,

COMEDICALLY, THAT DIDN'T WORK.

LET'S SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE: ONE

[SCOTT] CONCLUSION: ONE CAT IS

[■■]

[ANNOUNCER] PREVIOUSLY ON

PICNICFACE...

[PATRICK] PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH

IT.

(NOISES)

[SCOTT] POOTIE PARTY.

[MARK] OH YEAH!

[SCOTT] POOTIE PARTY.

[MARK] OH YEAH!

[JIM] I LOVE MY BROTHER. I LOVE

MY BROTHER.

[■■]

[SCOTT] MCQUARRIE.

DANCE.

IT'S TIME.

TO DANCE.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

(SCREAMS)

[■■]

[■■]

[KYLE] HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

[EVANY] HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?

[KYLE] UH, IT WAS OKAY. IT WAS

GOOD.

[EVANY] ARE YOU OKAY?

[KYLE] YEAH. IT'S JUST, I WAS IN

MY HOTEL AND A SEAGULL CRASHED

INTO THE WINDOW. IT'S WINGS WERE

BROKEN AND ONE OF ITS LEGS WAS

MESSED UP. IT WAS JUST OUT THERE

MAKING THIS HORRIBLE NOISE.

[EVANY] AWFUL.

[KYLE] YEAH, I GRABBED MY PILLOW

FROM MY ROOM AND I SNUFFED IT

OUT.

[EVANY] THE PILLOW?

[KYLE] WEIRD. IT KIND OF FELT

GOOD TO JUST END THE SUFFERING,

YOU KNOW?

[EVANY] I UNDERSTAND THAT. I

MEAN, SOMETIMES IT'S GOT TO BE A

MERCY KILL.

[■■]

[KYLE] WELL, HELLO YOU.

[EVANY] HELLO YOURSELF. WHAT'S

GOTTEN INTO YOU TODAY?

[KYLE] WELL, I DID A LITTLE BIT

OF GOOD TODAY?

[EVANY] WHAT DID YOU DO?

[KYLE] WELL, THERE WAS THIS

SQUIRREL IN THE BACK YARD REALLY

STRUGGLING WITH THIS PARTICULAR

NUT. IT WENT ON FOR THREE

MINUTES. IT COULDN'T EVEN OPEN

IT TO FEED ITSELF, AND THEN I

WENT BACK AND TOOK CARE OF IT.

WITH MY PILLOW.

[EVANY] I DON'T... I THINK MAYBE

WE NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK A MERCY

KILL IS.

[KYLE] I KNOW WHAT IT IS. IT'S

LIKE WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE

NEIGHBOUR'S YARD AND THERE IS A

DOG CHASING ITS TAIL, JUST A

HOPELESS, ETERNAL STRUGGLE. SO

YOU, NATURALLY, GO GET YOUR

PILLOW, AND...

[EVANY] OH MY GOD, DID YOU

MURDER GLORIA'S DOG?

[KYLE] I DIDN'T MURDER ANYTHING,

BUT THE DOG IS DEAD.

[KYLE] I KILLED YOUR PARROT,

LINDS.

[KYLE] SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE SO SAD. YOU'RE SUFFERING

DOES NOT HAVE TO CONTINUE.

[SCOTT] TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

LET'S SWITCH IT UP.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT. TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT...

LEFT. LEFT. LEFT. LEFT. LEFT.

LEFT. LEFT. LEFT. LEFT. LEFT.

LEFT. LEFT. LEFT...

[■■]

(RANDOM NOISES & DIALOGUE)

[KYLE] WE'VE GOT A FIRST TIMER

KICKING OFF THE SHOW TONIGHT, SO

PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME FOR

MRS. SHELLEY DUPONT.

(CHEERING)

[SHELLEY] HEY LADIES.

(CHEERING)

[SHELLEY] AND MEN.

(GROANING)

[SHELLEY] WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A MAN AND A CHAIR. A

CHAIR FOUR LEGS. AND A MAN WILL

SLEEP WITH A PROSTITUTE ON A

BUSINESS TRIP TO DELAWARE. AM I

RIGHT LADIES?

[SHELLEY] HOW ABOUT THIS ONE

LADIES? A WOMAN WALKS INTO A

DOCTOR'S OFFICE, AND THE DOCTOR

SAYS MRS. DUPONT, YOU HAVE

HERPES.

[SHELLEY] WHAT? HERPES, MRS.

DUPONT. SERIOUSLY? YES. OH NO.

OH NO.

[SHELLEY] HAVE YOU HAD ANY

UNPROTECTED SEX LATELY, MRS.

DUPONT? ONLY WITH MY HUSBAND.

SON OF A BITCH! AM I RIGHT,

LADIES?

[SHELLEY] I AM RIGHT.

[SHELLEY] I AM RIGHT.

(CRYING)

[SCOTT] THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD BUT

LET'S PUNCH IT UP A BIT.

(LAUGHING)

[SCOTT] MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

[■■]

LAST TIME. I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

YOUR BADGE.

[MAHONEY] YOU WANT MY BADGE,

CHIEF?

[CHIEF] YES, I WANT YOUR BADGE.

[CHIEF] PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS

DIFFICULT, MAHONEY.

[MAHONEY] OH, I'M NOT. I'M JUST

TRYING TO ASCERTAIN EXACTLY WHAT

IT IS THAT YOU WANT FROM ME. AM

I RIGHT TO ASSUME IT'S MY BADGE.

[CHIEF] THAT'S CORRECT.

[MAHONEY] FINE. TAKE MY BADGE.

[CHIEF] THIS IS A BAG OF M&MS.

[MAHONEY] PERHAPS I

MISUNDERSTOOD THE BADGE YOU

WANTED.

[CHIEF] PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

[MAHONEY] THIS BADGE?

[CHIEF] THAT IS NOT A BADGE.

[MAHONEY] IS IT NOT?

[CHIEF] IT'S A BRICK.

[MAHONEY] JUST LET ME GET THIS

STRAIGHT, OKAY. LET'S SAY THIS

IS YOU. YOU ARE REPRESENTED BY

THIS DOG. AND THIS SLICE OF

PIZZA IS ME AND MY BADGE WILL BE

PLAYED BY THIS SNOWMAN. YOU WANT

ME TO GIVE YOU THE SNOWMAN? I

CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING. I'M

PIZZA.

[CHIEF] DO NOT MAKE ME TAKE IT

WITH FORCE MAHONEY.

[MAHONEY] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I'M

JUST TRYING TO GET THIS

STRAIGHT. I'LL BE REPRESENTED BY

THIS STAFF OF HERMES, AND YOU

WILL BE THIS YOUNG INGENUE WHO

JUST ARRIVED IN THE BIG CITY AND

IS HOPING TO MAKE A SPLASH ON

BROADWAY...

[CHIEF] GIVE ME YOUR BADGE!

[MAHONEY] NO.

[CHIEF] GIVE ME YOUR BADGE!

[MAHONEY] I DON'T HAVE IT.

[CHIEF] WHERE IS IT?

[MAHONEY] I GOT DRUNK AND PINNED

IT TO A BEAR.

[CHIEF] WHAT?

[MAHONEY] HE COULD BE AN ASSET

TO THE FORCE. OFFICER BEAR!

[CHIEF] WHERE IS THIS BEAR NOW?

[MAHONEY] WELL, THE LAST I SAW,

HE BORROWED MY CAR.

(SIRENS)

[MAHONEY] HE COMMANDEERED MY

CAR.

[CHIEF] YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

GIVE ME YOUR FIRE ARM.

[MAHONEY] UHHHH...

(SIRENS)

[MAHONEY] COULD I OFFER YOU SOME

[RON] HEY, I'M RON FRUIT LOOP.

IN EVERY BOX OF FRUIT LOOPS,

YOU'LL FIND ME. RON FRUIT LOOP.

ONLY ONE BOX OF FRUIT LOOPS SOLD

PER DAY OR AS LONG AS IT TAKES

FOR ME TO GET FROM ONE BOX TO

THE OTHER. JUST DIAL THIS TOLL

FREE NUMBER. I'LL FIND MY WAY TO

WHATEVER GROCERY STORE YOU'RE

AT, SLIP MY BODY INTO A BOX OF

CEREAL, WHICH YOU CAN BUY.

[RON] SOUR! I NEED MORE!

[ANDREW] OH, LOOK WHO IT IS! OLD

MAN BUSH, RUINING A TAKE.

[KYLE] CUT THERE. CAN WE CUT

THERE?

[ANDREW] YOU THINK OLD MAN BUSH

DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THE

WHAT? WELL GUESS WHAT GUYS: I

DON'T CARE, OKAY? I DO NOT CARE.

BECAUSE BEING JUVENILE IS

RIDICULOUS. YOU REALLY WANT ME

TO BE JUVENILE? IS THAT WHAT

YOU WANT? HOLD THIS. I'M GOING

TO LIGHT MY FART ON FIRE. THAT'S

RIGHT. BECAUSE THAT'S COOL AND

HIP AND, YOU KNOW, WITH IT.

WHATEVER. OH AWESOME. IPHONES.

OKAY. MY NAME IS ANDY AND THIS

IS BUM FART.

(GRUNTING)

(WEAK FART)

[BRIAN] OH MY GOD. ANDY.

[MARK] DID YOU JUST SHIT

YOURSELF?

[ANDREW] NO. OH, I POOPED MY

PANTS ON NATIONAL TV. GET THAT

OUT OF MY FACE. SOMEONE HELP ME.

[SCOTT] JUST HANG ON. HANG ON

FOR A SECOND. I JUST NEED THIS.

[ANDREW] WHOA!

(THUD)

[BILL] AWW, LOOKIT!

[MARK] THAT'S REALLY CUTE. PUSS,

PUSS, PUSS, PUSS, PUSS...

[■■]